Chapter 26
Ana's POV
This week has been such a roller coaster. I still don't really believe it all went down this way sometimes. On Monday I was resigned to live without him, knowing that even though I couldn't have him I still had a piece of him that would connect me to him for life. Tuesday was a challenge to say the least. Seeing him again was both wonderful and heartbreaking at the same time, then of course the fiasco with Elena was just the icing on a very big cake. Wednesday was the worst day of my life. Pregnant and arrested was bad enough but to have the man you love with all your heart leave you there was unbearable. Thursday morning was unreal. No way in hell did I believe that I would have spent that entire day in that same man's arms and still have him there after all my shit that I dumped in his lap. Friday was a beautiful high. Christian's reaction to seeing Blip on the sonogram was priceless. Michael decided to stay in Portland to handle some business so me a Christian spent the entire evening lost in each other. It was the most restful night's sleep of the last 5 months.
Today, I am back to being apprehensive. It is Saturday and time to go see Dr. Flynn. Tomorrow will be Grey Sunday dinner, which I am also terrified of. I have cooked breakfast and Taylor is outside waiting to take me to my doom. I know Christian already knows the majority of what we will discuss but trying to get to "the root of all evil" as they say is a useless endeavor to me. Who gives a shit why I am the way I am? It won't change anything now anyway. Christian says that he is worried that if I don't discuss the triggers for my behavior then after the baby is born what will stop me from turning right back into the same bottle I came out of. I guess he has a right to be worried. I can't see the future or assure him with absolute certainty that nothing will ever come back to bite me in the ass. Well, let's get this show on the road then.
Christian's POV
Yesterday was absolutely the best day of my life. Seeing my child for the first time was fucking amazing. The little one actually gave me a "thumbs up" too. I wonder if it can sense that I need all the reassurance I can get. I'm still not positive that I can do the whole "father" thing but I know in all my black tainted soul that for them I will do anything. Taylor and Carrick are both excellent fathers so at least I have people around that I can turn to if things start falling apart.
Ana has been exceptionally distant and jumpy this morning. I know she is worried about Flynn but I really believe that she needs this. She needs to understand why she keeps repeating the same destructive behaviors. Especially with a baby on the way, I personally know what it is like to be born to a mother with an addiction. I know an Alcoholic and a Crack Whore are very different but addiction is addiction. It consumes your life and I can see Ana closing herself off from me and running back to her addiction when the going gets tough. She has done it before. I have done it before. Ella did it until it killed her. The whole situation terrifies me.
We have a lot to discuss today. Since there are two of us I had Flynn give us a double session. Instead of 1 hour we will be hashing out all our issues for a full two. This should be fun. We are in the SUV heading to Flynn's office and Ana won't come near me. It is starting already. She is withdrawing into herself. She just stares out the window into space. I'm at a loss. Do I try to hug and comfort her? Do I leave her to her thoughts? Fuck it, I slide across the back seat and put my arm around her. She doesn't move her eyes from the window or speak to me. She just sighs and leans back in her seat. The tension is radiating off her in waves. Fuck, maybe I am pushing too hard too fast. I hope this turns out better that this feels.
Flynn's POV
Shit, I could have only this one patient and still be busy until the end of time sifting through all his bullshit. This is why I am yet again in the office on a fucking weekend instead of with my own wife and kids. The only thing keeping me from losing my own damn mind is the fact that he is rarely boring. Now throwing her into the mix will definitely be interesting. Besides he has agreed to come in very early so I should be back home by noon. He and all his money can go to hell if he thinks I'm going to be stuck in his mind any longer than I have to this weekend. Even I deserve a fucking break now and then. Besides if I'm not home in the allotted time my wife will cut off my balls and feed them to me in a fine stew. Not something I am looking forward to. Aahh, they are here.
"Good morning Christian, Ana. Please come in." I lead them into my office and motion towards the seats for them, taking my seat behind my desk.
"Hey John." Christian says taking his seat on the couch instead of one of the single chairs that he usually sits in.
"Good Morning, Dr. Flynn." Ana takes a seat in the single chair across from Christian and I notice the crushed look on his face. She has been rubbing her hand across her belly since she walked in the door. It must be some sort of comfort measure for her. Already my interest is piqued. I knew they wouldn't be boring.
"Ana, please you can call me John or just Flynn if you prefer. It is lovely to see you outside of those stuffy functions. You and the baby look well." She nods and looks down and stops rubbing as if she has just realized she was doing it at all.
"Ok, what would you two like to discuss on this fine morning? I am under the impression that the two of you have had quite a few days." I shift my gaze between both of them searching for who will take the lead. As usual it is Christian.
"Well, John. There are a lot of issues with our reconciliation that we would like to discuss but also some issues Ana…" He is cut off by Ana raising her hand to stop him.
"Um, if I may interject for a moment? Yes, we do need to discuss issues regarding trust, control, sex and this little one here but as for discussions about my past, I would prefer if those were private sessions." She looks only at me and I see now why she decided to sit alone. She knew that statement would hurt him and true to that thought he looks as if she just smacked him in the face.
"Of course that is acceptable to me. Christian, I can tell be your face that you didn't know those were Ana's feelings. Is that why you sat alone instead of next to Christian, Ana?" I look at her to respond first as Christian still doesn't look like he has gotten over the shock that has now visibly turned to anger.
"I really didn't sit away from him consciously. But looking at it now I guess I knew that not wanting him here would hurt him and I instinctively distance myself from unpleasant situations." This girl is smart. She already knows why she does certain things. I guess Christian was wrong about her needing me to figure out the "why" I believe I will be more help by trying to help her learn difference responses to her issues.
"Christian, how do you feel about Ana's request?" I see him lean forward and silently count before starting to speak. It is a trick I taught him to try and control his temper.
"Well, obviously I am not the happiest about it but if that is what she needs and she will continue to see you then I guess I have no choice, AGAIN." He sneers through gritted teeth.
"What do you mean by "again"?" I ask.
"Well, I had no choice in helping her pick her Doctor, her home, her car, the baby's nursery. Shit, I had no choice in whether or not I even knew I was having a child. I fucking found out by accident! Now it seems I have no choice in whether I am able to help her with her past either. She is cutting me out AGAIN!" I think he has finished but he just takes a deep breath and continues ranting. "Fuck, I asked her to live with me but A-FUCKING-GAIN she said absolutely not and because of that there wasn't even a discussion about it. Ana just does whatever the fuck Ana wants to do with no consideration of how that affects ME!" Now it is Ana's turn to look like he has smacked her in the face.
"NO CONSIDERATION! NO Consideration! Do you truly believe I left you for ME? I let you go for YOU! YOU thought that loving me was turning you into some sort of monster! I knew you could be happy in your old lifestyle! I knew you didn't want this baby! That you felt like if I got pregnant it was to trap you. You said so yourself. I told you I made those other choices without you because I really believed that even if you ever found out about the baby that you wouldn't stay. For that I am deeply sorry but don't you EVER think that I did all of this for ME! As for moving in with you, there was never any discussion to have. You asked me to live with you. You asked me to give up the only home that I have ever felt safe in to move into the apartment that you had them in, the place you had HER in! The same place that you kicked me out of. The same place where I made love to you for the first time and then turned my back on the one person that I ever loved. I can't even think about your apartment without making myself sick. Maybe if you had suggested living with me instead there could have been a discussion." She shifts in her seat so as not to look at him, anger pouring out of every one of her pores.
"Ok, this is a start. Christian you feel left out and Ana you feel as if you have to defend yourself to him. Christian, I really believe that Ana is not purposely trying to cut you out this time by requesting private sessions. I believe, and Ana you can stop me if I'm wrong. But I believe that if you are here for those sessions then she will try to be strong and feel and say what she thinks you think she should feel and say instead of trying to figure out her own views on the subject. Do I have that about right?" Ana nods and Christian looks like he is considering this as possible.
"Can I ask one question? It is the only question I will ever ask regarding your past Ana if that is what you want but it has to do with trust so I believe it directly affects our situation now." He asks her directly ignoring me but she looks at me instead.
"Christian, ask your question but if it makes her uncomfortable she is under no obligation to answer ok?" Ana nods at me and I nod at him to continue.
"Why men, Ana? Why are you so much more forgiving and trusting of men than women? You have a male OB, you have mostly male friends. Yet men are the ones that abused you as a teenager. I just don't understand it. It makes me uncomfortable." He finishes and looks like he is going to cry. I turn my focus to Ana.
"Is that something you are willing to discuss with him Ana?" She nods and begins to tell him her explaination. She is so much like Christian it is uncanny. She has completely disconnected. Her voice is even and cold. She shows no emotions or tears in her eyes.
"That is simple. Women are manipulative lying fuckers that should not be trusted. They will turn their backs on you in a heartbeat. They will fuck your boyfriends without even batting an eye just to turn around and smile in your face the next minute. They will blame you for everything that has ever gone wrong in your life like you asked to be born in the first place. Men might only want one thing from you but at least they are fucking honest about it. And once they know it is never going to happen most back off without a problem and get over it." Like I said, smart girl. I'm sure she understands that this may not be the most appropriate response to what had happened to her and then she says exactly what I was thinking.
"I know that is not what "normal" people would think is an appropriate attitude but it is what it is. This is the way that I taught myself to handle things. It is what worked the best other than the alcohol to keep the demons at bay. I would just really like to talk about me and Christian now. I'll start. The other day we were having sex and he spanked me hard. I liked it and that terrifies me. I am sure Christian has let you in on the fact that I have a similar aversion to touch as he does and I never wanted to associate him with a harsh touch like that. And to have enjoyed it so much blows my mind." She is very good at this. She just managed to take a problem from her past and bring up a problem she has now without actually talking about the past problem with Christian in the room. Wonderful.
"Ok, let's talk about that. Do you believe that wanting him to spank you is going to lead to more violent things with him? Or do you believe that you will now associate him with harshness and it will distort your feelings for him?" She looks confused for a minute.
"Well, both I think. I think I am worried that he won't be able to keep it just spanking because of his like of violence and I am afraid that I will not find his touch loving anymore and I never want to associate Christian with bad memories." Boy these two are complicated!
"Well, Christian how do you feel about what Ana is worried about? What were you thinking when you decided to spank her?" God, why didn't I become a nice Pediatrician instead?
"I really wasn't thinking at that moment. I needed something, she needed something and that's just how it played out. I was actually shocked that she didn't run after. She was always so against the rough stuff before. A nice soft little swat was all I ever got before. I won't lie though I would love to tie her up and fuck her hard until she screams into next week but the really hard canes and whips and clamps she has nothing to worry about. No matter how frenzied I get I could never imagine using them on her. She has all the control as I believe she proved not long after that when she tied me up and slipped her finger into my ass. The last person who tried anal play with me was Elena and she didn't get that far. I almost killed her for even trying but with Ana I loved it and that is what scares the shit out of me. No pun intended. I never thought I would ever trust anyone enough to let them tie me up again. But Ana I trust mind, body and soul. She is my everything." And there it is they actually both have emotion in their eyes. For Ana it is the first emotion I have seen from her in this entire session. I almost spit my coffee all over my desk because of it but it is definitely there. I think I will leave the "ass" thing for the next session though. Right now I don't know whether to laugh, cry or choke because of it.
"It is obvious that this has become very emotional for you both so I think it is best that we leave it there for today. I want you to both make appointments for individual sessions and an appointment for a joint session as well. I am going to give both of you homework as well. Ana, if any decisions come up in the near future please try to include Christian in making them. Christian if you feel Ana is pulling away from you again then do not wait until you get here to bring it up. Talk to her. Let her know how you are feeling. Ok, I'll see you next week and preferably not the weekend." I smirk and walk them to the door. These two are going to be the death of me. We haven't ever scratched the surface yet.
A/N – Sorry for going MIA this past week but it couldn't be avoided. I know I could have put a lot more into this session with Flynn but I really wanted to get something out to you guys before it got too late. I am terribly sorry for not responding to any reviews for the last chapter like I usually do but hopefully I will be able to start responding again this week. I should be wrapping up this story by chapter 30 or so. I never meant it to be this long in the first place and I really want to have it done before I go on summer vacation. That and the fact that you guys know me. I don't do hearts and flowers, love and romance so after the baby is born I really have nothing left and there is no point in dragging it out. I want you guys to remember it for the angst and drama that it was originally and what you liked it for in the first place. Do not worry though. I will fit in Grace/Elena, the birth and whether or not they live together or get married before I end it.