AN: Abuse triggers. Also get your chair cushions ready because this is a long one.
It happened when she and Castor were four. Leda still had to wear dresses and bonnets, but Castor's baby dresses were tossed aside for breeches and shirts. Leda asked for breeches and shirts too, but her mother told her to stop being ridiculous.
"You're a girl," Mother said. "Girls wear pretty dresses and ribbons."
This did not satisfy Leda. What made boys and girls different, anyway? She went to her dollhouse and undressed the boy and girl dolls. Save for longer eyelashes and hair, the bodies of the boys and girls were exactly the same. Grown-ups choose if their children are boys or girls. Clearly, her parents had made a mistake. Leda felt that she was supposed to be a boy, not a girl. She didn't know why exactly, except that it felt right. She would talk to her mother and they would set this right. Maybe they could even change her name to something more boyish.
Leda marched downstairs and entered the fanciest room in the whole house: the parlor room. Leda's feet whispered on the lily-white carpet, but Mother heard. Mother, who sat on the green velvet couch Leda was never allowed to eat on, looked up from the small book she was reading. Mother's milk white skin practically glowed in the peacock blue silk gown she wore, and her wide golden headband glittered above her sea of black curls.
"Mother, I think you made a mistake," Leda told Mother.
"Oh?" Mother said.
"I'm a boy, Mother, not a girl. Since I'm a boy, I should wear boy clothes."
Mother put her book down next to the wood cow sculpture on the tea table in front her, folded her hands at her waist, and stared at Leda. "No mistake was made, Leda. You are a girl, you will wear girl clothes, and I will hear no more of this nonsense."
"But Mother—"
"You will stop speaking of this subject this instant or I will spank you with the carpet beater and when your father comes home he will spank you with it again."
Leda covered her bottom with her hands. The carpet beater was a paddle woven out of birch wood that Mrs. Evergreen, the housekeeper, used to beat the dirt out of the blankets, quilts, and rugs. Leda had only been spanked once with it when she broke one of mother's new teacups she wasn't supposed to touch.
"Yes, Mother. May I be excused?"
Mother excused her and Leda ran up to her bedroom. She kneeled by the three-story dollhouse and picked up one of the naked cloth-body dolls. It was one of the girl dolls with long brown hair. Instead of picking up one of the dresses, Leda chose to dress the doll in pants and a shirt instead.
I can pretend, Leda thought to herself. Mother won't mind if it's pretend.
The next day, Mother discovered the doll. After she forced Leda to dress it properly, she spanked Leda several times with the carpet beater.
"No more of this," Mother hissed.
Leda, red-faced and crying, only nodded.
LLL
Mrs. Evergreen was a small, bony young woman with the strength of a team of draft horses. She always hid her hair in a white cap, wore no fewer than three petit coats under her grey starched work dress, and kept two perfectly folded handkerchiefs in her pockets. Mother and Father liked the bone-white, serious woman for her silence and efficiency. Leda was wary of her, for the housekeeper only whispered "Excuse me, miss" to her like a passing ghost. She also noticed that Mrs. Evergreen got to leave the house to go shopping at the Merchant Square, and Leda had never been to the Merchant Square before.
Leda waited at the bottom step of the wall-hugging spiral staircase by the front door, where she could hear Mother and Mrs. Evergreen discuss in the parlor what the house needed and how much money was needed to pay for the items. Leda stood up ramrod straight with her hands folded in front of her blue-and-green striped skirts, hoping she looked as mature as a seven-year-old could be.
Finally Mrs. Evergreen stepped out of the parlor and headed towards the front door. Leda walked in front of her.
"Mrs. Evergreen, may I go to the Merchant Square too?" Leda asked in her sweetest voice.
Mrs. Evergreen stopped in her tracks and bent her black eyebrows.
"Did you need me to pick something up for you, miss?" she asked Leda in her usual hushed voice.
"No, thank you. I just want to see what the Merchant Square is like."
Mrs. Evergreen blinked several times.
"Let us ask Lady Stoneshir, miss."
Leda's stomach sank as she followed the housekeeper back to the parlor. They curtseyed before a puzzled-looking Mother sitting on the couch.
"Excuse us, Lady Stoneshir, but Miss Leda has asked if she could accompany me to the Merchant Square," Mrs. Evergreen said.
Mother grimaced. "Why ever would you want to visit that place, Leda?"
"I've never been to it before, Mother," Leda answered, trying hard not to whine.
"There is nothing there to see, that is why I've never taken you there. You'll be bored and waste Mrs. Evergreen's time."
"No I won't, Mother. I won't be any trouble at all. I'll be quiet and good."
Mother scrutinized Leda with her bright blue eyes before turning to the housekeeper. "What do you think of this, Mrs. Evergreen?"
"I think she will behave and find it to be a good experience, my lady."
Leda pressed her arms against her sides to stop herself from throwing them around Mrs. Evergreen.
Mother sighed. "It appears that I am outnumbered. Leda, you may go, but do not give Mrs. Evergreen one ounce of trouble."
"I won't, thank you Mother!" Leda said and curtseyed low before her.
Mrs. Evergreen gently touched Leda's shoulder. "Come along, Miss Leda. You must grab your hat and then we can go."
It took all of the girl's will to not run up the stairs for her hat, because she knew that Mother could still change her mind. She met Mrs. Evergreen at the front door. The housekeeper straightened the bow under Leda's chin before they left the stuffy old house and into the warm sunshine of a late spring day. To Leda's dismay there was a black carriage attached to a well-groomed horse that hung its gray head low to try and nibble at some weed growing between the cobblestones. The driver helped both Leda and Mrs. Evergreen up into the carriage. Leda pressed her forehead against the window and watched the stately mansions with ornate spikes along their sloped rooftops pass by. She spotted Castor's home with the yellow roses in full bloom.
Leda turned to Mrs. Evergreen, whose eyes were closed.
"Thank you for taking me, Mrs. Evergreen," Leda said.
Without opening her eyes, she answered, "You're welcome, miss. You must be at my side and within reach at all times, miss."
"Yes, Mrs. Evergreen."
They rode in silence as they cut through the green lawns of the Cathedral Square. Dawn's Light Cathedral practically glowed in the sunlight, and the Light swelled in Leda's heart. Today was going to be a good day.
They were let out in front of Zhang's Fine Goods in the Merchant Square. The square was framed by soot-stained brick stores that were separated by skinny alleyways that led to a shadowy labyrinth of flats and houses. Leda clung to Mrs. Evergreen's hand as she stared at the center of the square where men and women stood up on barrels or boxes to sell their goods to the noisy crowd that shouted back at them. Walking on her tiptoes, Leda could see a mage who kept her fish fresh by magically encasing them in blocks of ice, and a pot-bellied man who held up a basket of cucumbers, and—
"Mind the step, Miss Leda," said Mrs. Evergreen.
Leda looked down so she could climb the wooden steps into the store. The shop seemed to have everything in the world tucked on polished wood shelves that lined the wall or stuffed in sweet-smelling barrels: rolls of cloth, bottles of spices, clumps of rock candy, jars of pickled herring; everything was a blur of color and scent until they approached the counter that held the bronze till. Leda squeezed Mrs. Evergreen's hand as she laid eyes on a strange old man dressed in a stinking tan leather coat with grey fur trimming and matching breeches tucked into muddied boots. Broken red veins spread from the rolling hills of his russet brown cheeks to the edges of his scraggly white beard.
Next to the wild-looking man was an even wilder-looking grey dog the size of a small pony. It looked up at Leda with its big brown eyes tucked under thick eyebrows, and wagged its long, skinny tail. Leda stared at it back, her fingers itching to touch the strange dog. I have to be good or I can't come back, she repeated silently to herself as she dug her hands in her pockets.
The man took notice and nodded towards Leda. "You can pet him. He loves kids."
She looked up at the wild man, surprised by his butter-soft voice. The dog wagged his tail, but he didn't leave his spot. Leda looked up at Mrs. Evergreen.
"May I pet the dog?" Leda asked her.
Mrs. Evergreen's eyes opened wide at the sight of the dog, but when she looked down at Leda's pleading face, her expression softened. She nodded.
Leda held her hand out to the dog and giggled as he stuck his palm-sized nose in her hand to sniff it. When he looked up at her again, she ran her fingers through his long and wiry silver-grey hair.
"He's nice, Mrs. Evergreen!" Leda squealed, then turned to the man. "What kind of dog is he?"
"Wolfhound."
"Is he part wolf? Is that why he's so big?"
The man chuckled. "Heavens, no. Elbow was bred to hunt wolves."
"You named him Elbow?"
"Yes, I did. I wanted something different for a dog's name."
She giggled then said, "My name's Leda, what's yours?"
"Hullo, Leda. I'm—"
They were interrupted when the shopkeeper emerged from the backroom with a full burlap sack on his brawny shoulder.
"There you are, Arthur," he said as he handed Arthur the bag.
"Thank you very much, Mr. Zhang," he answered as he slung the bag on his shoulder. He nodded to Leda. "It was nice to meet you, Leda. C'mon, Elbow."
The dog pushed himself up and followed his owner out of the store. Mr. Zhang turned to Mrs. Evergreen and Leda, the down-turned edges of his large brown eyes crinkling.
"Good afternoon, Mrs. Evergreen," he said.
"Good afternoon, Mr. Zhang. This is Miss Leda, Lord Stoneshir's daughter. Leda, this is Mr. Zhang."
Leda nervously curtseyed before him, and he bowed before her. He turned out to be a man just as nice as Arthur, since he gave Leda a large piece of rock candy to suck on while Mrs. Evergreen shopped. Once he had fetched all that Mrs. Evergreen needed, he loaded it in the waiting carriage outside. He wished them both a good day and returned to his shop. Instead of getting into the carriage, Mrs. Evergreen and Leda strolled down the road to look at the elaborate window displays.
"Are you having a good time, Miss Leda?" Mrs. Evergreen asked as they looked at a soap display where bars of soap rested on in the mouths of bejeweled clams.
"Yes!" Leda squealed. "I'd like to come here again with you very much!"
Leda caught the faint smile on Mrs. Evergreen's lips.
"I'm glad to hear that, because you have been a very good girl and I would like to bring you back again, if you wish."
This time Leda hugged Mrs. Evergreen tightly around her middle.
Several days after the trip to the Merchant Square, Leda was playing with her dolls when her mother entered the room.
"Your father wishes to speak with you in his study," Mother said in a cool voice before disappearing back into the hall.
Leda's heart drummed in her chest. She had not even heard Father come in! Leda dropped her dolls and left for the study at once. Her feet lighted down the staircase and to the room opposite of the parlor. Father sat at his desk with his tea and biscuits, half of his sculpted face illuminated by naked candlelight. Leda curtseyed before him, and noticed that he had not taken a book from one of the bookcases that lined the walls of the study.
"Good evening, Father," she said quietly, biting the edge of her tongue from asking any questions.
He looked down at her, his hands folded in his lap. Leda suddenly understood what people meant that no one could mistake her for being anyone else's daughter but Lord Stoneshir's. He was tall and angular, olive-skinned with oak-brown hair, and amber eyes as scathing as an eagle's eye. Leda could almost see how she would look once she was grown up, only softer and rounder and more womanly.
"Good evening, Leda. I understand that you went to the Merchant Square."
"Yes, Father."
"Did you see Lord Godfrey?"
She pondered for a moment and answered, "No, Father."
"Castor or his mother?"
"No, Father."
"Certainly, you must have seen King Greymane."
"No, Father."
"Do you know why you haven't seen any of our class down at the Merchant Square?"
"No, Father."
"It is not our place to go arguing and bartering in that filthy, smelly hole with the lower class."
"But it's—"
He held up a hand and Leda bit her lips closed.
"I am not going to forbid you from going to the Merchant Square with Mrs. Evergreen. However, every time you do go, you will be punished. You will have no supper tonight, and only a piece of toast in the morning. Understood?"
"Yes, Father."
"You may go."
"Thank you, Father," Leda said as she curtseyed and left the room.
She played with her dolls throughout supper and went to bed early. She stuck a fist in her mouth as her stomach growled at her, but she bit in her knuckles until it stopped. If she were younger, she would have stopped even thinking of the Merchant Square after a night with no food. Not this time. This time she dreamed of going to the Merchant Square again with Mrs. Evergreen, even during the rare occasions when Father was home.
Mother had tried to explain what Father did when he was gone from the house for weeks at a time. He was a lord, and owned a lot of land, and he had to check up on the people who lived on his land so they would pay him properly for using it. He had to sit with the other lords that he didn't like very much because they drank alcohol and smoked during the meetings. He only had kind words for King Archibald and his son, Prince Genn.
Leda buried her head under her pillow and forced herself to go to sleep.
Leda went once a week to the Merchant Square with Mrs. Evergreen, and she came home to no supper and a slice of bread in the morning. As the weeks wore on, the punishments grew more severe. Mother took the carpet beater to her. Father gradually took her suppers away until she had no supper for the whole week. One night Father belted her for each time she had gone to the Square. Leda went again the week after the belting and when she returned home, she went straight to Father's study for her punishment.
"Good evening, Father," Leda said dully.
"Leda," he said, closing the book in his hand with a snap. "I see that you went to the Mechant Square again."
"Yes, Father."
"I see. You will go and tell Mrs. Evergreen that she has lost her employment here."
The bottom fell out of Leda's stomach and her legs wobbled. "What?"
"You will go and tell Mrs. Evergreen that she has lost her employment here."
"B-But why?"
"You have been disobedient."
"That isn't Mrs. Evergreen's fault! And you said—you said that you weren't going to forbid me to go, so how was I disobedient?"
Father gripped the arms of his plush leather chair and let out a long, shuddering sigh. He loosened his grip on the chair. "I have made it quite clear that I do not approve of you going to the Merchant Square. An obedient child, even when not forbidden, would not have gone because it is against her father's wishes. You have disobeyed me over and over, Leda, and I will not have anymore of it. Tell Mrs. Evergreen that she is no longer employed here."
Leda fell to Father's knees and cried, "Please, Father, don't fire her because I was b-bad and stupid! Please, Father, I promise I will always obey you and I won't ever be bad again. Please, please, please Father!"
Father watched her sob on his knees. She could see in his golden eyes that he was contemplating his next move, and she prayed to the Light and to the Sun and to all the Universe that he wouldn't fire Mrs. Evergreen because she had been stupid and selfish.
"I won't fire Mrs. Evergreen," he said quietly. "However, keep in mind that if you disobey me again, I will throw her out on the streets, and both her and her husband's names will be so tarnished that they will never work in Gilneas again."
"Th-Thank you, Father," Leda hiccupped, a warm sensation filling her heart.
"Stop crying and stand up."
She wiped her eyes dry with her hands as she stood up before him. He looked down upon her for a moment before nodding his head.
"You may go," he said.
"Thank you, and good night, Father," she whispered.
She curtseyed before him as low as she was able, and slipped out of his study and into her room as quietly and quickly as a hare fleeing from a hawk.
LLL
"Light be with you, sister."
"Light be with you, brother."
"Is all well with you?"
"No, no it's not. I don't know what to do, I don't know who to tell—"
"You can tell me."
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"You'll tell someone and it has to be a secret."
"With the Light as my witness, I swear to not to tell another soul about your secret."
"Okay. Okay. I think that I've been…born in the wrong body."
"I don't believe I quite follow."
"I don't think I was supposed to be born a girl, but a boy."
"Why do you believe that?"
"I don't know how else to explain it. When I put on my dress and bonnet, it doesn't look right on me. I like my dolls, but all I do all day is stitch and drink tea and visit Mother's friends. I want to run and jump and go hunting like my cousin Castor does. My Mother says she didn't make a mistake in choosing me as a girl, but I know she did! I just know she did and she doesn't want to say she made a mistake. What do you think?"
"Well, your Mother didn't make a mistake. We are born as boys and girls."
"How can you tell the difference if we look the same, then?"
"It's…it's something you learn when you are grown up, but trust me when I say that you are a girl, Leda. My little sister had similar thoughts when she was younger. She would drive our parents mad with her wildness, but once she had grown up she had accepted the joys of womanhood."
"Like what?"
"Like having children—"
"I don't want children."
"That's because you're still a child! Trust me, you will change your mind when you're older, and will realize that you are a woman. You are still young and confused about many things, but they will be clear when you are older. Do you understand?"
"Um…yes, thank you."
"Was there anything else you needed to tell me?"
"No, brother."
"Light be with you, sister."
Ten-year-old Leda left the confessional both and went to meet Mother and Mrs. Evergreen at the front pews of Light's Dawn Church with a face as grim as a gargoyle's.
LLL
Pour the milk first, then the tea. Add the sugar and stir. Do not speak unless spoken to first. Sit up straight. Read your prayers. Trust in the Light. Clean the razor so it will not rust. Practice your grammar in both Gilnean and Common. Brush your hair until it glows. Keep your fingernails and face clean. Make sure your dress is fitting properly. Do not spend so much time at the mirror or people will think you are vain. Wait until the cut scabs over so it won't stain your blouse. Trust in the Light. Be agreeable. Be polite. Be nice. Trust in the light. Curtsey. Smile. Breathe. Trust. Curtsey Smile Breathe Trust. Curtsey smile breathe trust.
LLL
All of fifteen-year-old Leda's training, self-sacrifice, and self-constraint had led her up to this moment in time at Lord Stoneshir's garden party on a sticky summer day in the back courtyard of his country home in the Headlands. Many members of the different nobles houses were there, most notably the young bachelor, Lord Darius Crowley. Earlier he had been laughing and chatting with the other nobleman by the punch table, but now he stood quietly at the man-made pond at the center of the lush courtyard. Father offered his arm, Leda took it, and Father walked her to the lord.
"Lord Crowley," said Father. "May I introduce to you my daughter, Miss Leda Stoneshir?"
"Lord Crowley," Leda murmured as she curtseyed before him in her white spring gown.
Lord Crowley bowed his red head to them both, his cheeks still pink from laughter. "It is a pleasure to meet you, Miss Stoneshir. Shall we have a walk around the pond?"
Leda smiled gently, though she felt a growing need to throw up. "That would be lovely."
"I leave her to you, Lord Crowley," Father said before turning away and walking briskly back to the party.
Leda could feel Father and Mother's eyes on her, and her stomach ached worse. I can't panic or I'll ruin everything,she thought to herself as she took Lord Crowley's arm.
"Your home has an excellent garden, Miss Stoneshir," he said cheerfully as they walked.
"Thank you, my lord," she answered stiffly, feeling as if she was about to choke. The flora was all a blur to her. "I hope you are enjoying the party."
"Very much so. You?"
"I am, my lord."
They were silent for some time when Leda realized that they had walked around half of the pond, and her mind scrambled for something to continue the conversation with.
"The weather is pleasant," she mumbled.
"Yes, it is. I should have worn a lighter coat, it is a bit warmer than expected."
They had fallen silent again in their walk. Leda could see where they had started and feared reaching it. Either everything will go to plan and they'll walk around the pond again or he would bring her back to Father.
"Those swans looks lovely on the pond, don't they?" he said, jarring her thoughts.
Leda looked to the pond and watched white swans gliding along the surface of the pond.
"Yes, my lord."
He stopped and turned to face the water.
"On second thought, they're rather ugly birds, aren't they?"
"They are, my lord."
He raised an eyebrow at her. "Instead of parroting my thoughts back at me, why don't you tell me what you truly think of the swans?"
Leda looked upon the swans that swam about without any thought of the couple gawking at them. She struggled to find the correct answer that would win Lord Crowley's affection, but her mind drew a complete blank. Tell the truth, said a tiny voice from deep within her soul.
"I don't have any thoughts about them, my lord," she said.
"Do you have any thoughts at all?" he said with a chuckle.
Leda stiffened as if she had been stabbed in the gut. Her blood boiled so fiercely that the tears that welled in her eyes felt cold. Lord Crowley's smile fell and he stepped closer to her.
"I'm sorry, I did not mean to be cruel," he said as he patted her hand. "I was trying to be funny, to lighten the mood."
"Hah."
She looked away from him, her hand twitching on his arm. All feeling had sunken from her head to her heart to her feet and finally into the earth.
"We should perhaps return to your father."
"Yes, my lord," she said with numb lips.
Leda knew that she would not become Lady Crowley. Even if by some miracle they were married, she would not be able to bear to be married to an inconsiderate man ten years older than her who would leave her for months at a time to rear his children. No, she did not want to be married and with child by the time she was sixteen with any man, but neither did she want to live with her parents anymore.
In that moment of hurt and shame, Leda realized that her life needed to change and that she needed to leave her family home—but on her own terms.
AN: Two things both serious and silly. First, the serious. Though Leda is, as you can see, a transgender man, I've chosen to still use female pronouns since she is currently presenting herself as female at this point in her life (both the past and the present). Also on the flip side you have Sarin, who is a fully transitioned transgender woman. Throughout the series you will also meet other transgender characters, as well as characters of various sexualities. However, I'm a cishet woman who's far from infallible, and if something bothers you please say something, whether it be in the reviews or PM. You can ask the other reviewers here that I respond fairly quickly and that I'm not going to bite your head off if I'm critiqued.
That being said, though it is still early but I think I'm going to stick with it, I was going to write Isha's story after Leda's, but considering the heavy material I'm working with Leda's story and having listened to two Wicked songs out of context and on repeat (No Good Deed and Defying Gravity), I decided that I need…
I need…
Gnomes.
Oh, and I named Arthur's dog after one of my dad's old dogs who was a big mutt of a dog named Elbow who was more co-owned by my dad and his friends than strictly my dad.
Thanks for reading!
And one more thing- I GOT INTO GRAD SCHOOL OMG! :D