Edward was pinting when Esme came bursting into his mancave.

"Oh what a lovely picture, darling," she praised. "What does it mean?"

"This," said Edward, pointing at a muscular He-man with a sword, "is me. And this," pointing to a heap of raw meat on the ground, "is Jacob. And this," pointing at a head on a stake, "is Tom. And this is Bella!" Bella was dressed in a silver bikini and looking adoringly at Edward.

"It's beautiful!" said Esme. "You should take up painting professionally!"

"Yeah, I should," said Edward.

Meanwhile MacGyver was building a jet plane from pet food tins and chewing gum.

"I don't trust the man!" said Harry. "I think he's done crack or something."

"Don't talk about MacGyver like that!" said Adam. "He's the best and only of his kind."

"Yeah, well, he seems to know what he's doing," said Dimitri. "Let's go man the stations, or what the fuck it was he said we should do."

"I need to check in on my sister," said Mariel. "She's not very responsible in looking after herself."

They all headed to Mariel's cabin, but Moira was not there. On the kitchen table there was a note saying:

"Keep the lights yöllä. Vihollinen know our website: Birds can land at the airport. Look for the crocodile kylvyssä in the bathtub, several miles of acreage ahead. Continued I have no mercy. Try automatic translation new browser, Uncle Johnny in the mashed potatoes, please fill out the car before returning fuel."

"The f*** does it mean?" Harry asked, scratching his head like a polyfrog.

"Who wrote it?" Mariel asked.

"It's some sort of code," said Dimitri. "We better take it to Ruth, she's the expert on translation."

They got to the Tardis, but Ruth and the Doctor was having a fight, and were throwing things at each other. The Doctor grabbed a wooden spoon and flung a glob of jam at Ruth, wich hit her in the face. She reached for a carpet beater and chased the Doctor while trashing everything she could hit.

"He's pushed her buttons again," said Dimitri. "Kinda knew this would happen."

"We'll come back some other day," said Mariel, and dragged the two boys away.

So they went home to chill in front of the TV and watch a fun and mindnumbing action flick, but no rest for the wicked. In front of the castle MacGyver was throwing a fit, and he had a gun made from rusty nails and baking soda with which he was threatening Jacob and Ron. He forced them into the plane, and took off while giving them all the one-finger salute and blasting the Empire Anthem on the stereo.

"Crap! You were right, Harry!" said Mariel.

"I can't believe it!" said Bree. "He must be working for my biologically old man! We have gotta save Jacob!"

Everyone borrowed the Cullens' orphanage bus and headed to the Tardis. But the doctor had accidentally knocked himself out cold when he slipped in the sticky jam.

"We can't waste any time waiting for him to wake up," said Dad. "MacGyver will have those boys brainwashed and loony if we do. Who else can possibly drive this thing."

"I could try," said Dimitri.

"ACCIO DUMBLEDORE", shouted Harry, and Dumbledore landed on a kitchen chair.

"MacMullet has taken Ron prisoner!" said Harry. "And the doctor is unconsciencious. You need to drive the Tardis and get him!"

"Here goes nothing," said Dumbledore and pulled the lever. They spun of like a whirlpool of gravitational rotation, and landed some other place.

They were in a dark, creepy castle that was not Hogwarts. And it was not Azkaban, because there were less prisoners. In fact there were really few people about. Actually, they were the only ones there.

The gang now consisted of Dumbledore, Nikki, Dad, Harry, Dimitri, Ruth, Mariel, Hermione, Lucas, Bree and the unconscious Doctor (who they left in the Tardis with a frozen chicken on his brain to cure any possible concussion).

"This reminds me of when I was in Hulgeria," said Bree. "We were storming an inpenetratable fort, and when we camo inside, it was all empty. Or so we thought. But that story is to scary to tell when there are children around."

"I'm older than you!" said Mariel. (Bree is actually 16 too, but she looks 14 because that's when she vampired.)

"Mentally you're 12!" said Bree, "While I've seen enough pain and suffering for several life times. My age can not be measured in years."

"Oh shut it, Bree Cheese!" Mariel hissed. "We don't even know that you're not just a liar, like your BF!"

Bree shrieked in angry and jumped at Mariel. They got into a cat fight, and Bree was stronger because she was a vampire, but Mariel could use her wand so she had the upper hand. She put a body-lock on Bree, who couldn't move anything but her eyes.

"Was that really necessary?" Dimitri asked, as he picked Bree up and carried her along.

"Ask her!" said Nikki angrily. "She's always picking on me for no raisin. She can be glad I didn't transfigure her!"

"Be quiet, will you?" Lucas said sternly. "Strange creepy castles are not for fighting!"

All of the suddenly a door opened in front of them, and a familiar face was revealed.

"Oh no!" gasped Neville. "Professor Snape!"