"My Mother's." She choked out, not wanting to admit it, and angry at herself for ever letting it get this far.
"So this morning, when you said you were close to a breakthrough..." She couldn't bring herself to look him in the eye. She could hear it in his voice, anger and uncertainty. She didn't blame him for it either. She knew what she was doing every time she opened that case file, every time she took a day to work on it instead of actual case work.
She heaved her shoulders up and down. "I always think I am. Then something else happens, some new report shows up, and I'm not. But yes, I was talking about this." The truth fell slipped from her lips with ease, not that it did any good now, and all of a sudden her reasons for lying seemed ridiculous.
He took one more look at the papers strewn about, shook his head, and pushed Carrie's cart forward. "I need to take Alexis home. You should play with your daughter or something. She misses you."
His voice was so cold, colder than she had ever heard it. But the truth behind the tone is what brought hot tears to her eyes, what helped her clearly see the consequences of her actions. "Rick, wait!" She called out as he turned to leave.
"I'll call you in a day or two. I can't do this right now." Fight. He couldn't fight with her right now, not in front of the kids. They never fought in front of the kids. She heard the door slam as he left, leaving her and Carrie alone in her apartment, her mother's stupid case file spread out on the table. She didn't want to look now, even though she could feel it pulling her. No, now that she had let it practically ruin everything she had worked for, she didn't want to look at it.
She went over to the stroller, where Carrie was still watching the door, and unhooked the toddler so she could get down and do her thing. "Where Daddy go?"
Kate's heart fell at the young girl's words. She realized what she had been so worried about had come true, that she had done something wrong, and now Carrie and Rick's relationship could fall apart. Would she even be allowed back into Alexis' life? "Daddy went back to his house, baby. You and I are going to stay here."
Carrie studied her mother's face. "Mommy, what's wrong?"
Kate sighed at her question, wishing that her daughter wasn't quite so perceptive. "Nothing. Mommy is just a dummy." It seemed like the simplest way to explain it.
The toddler let out a forced laugh as a toothy grin stretched across her face. "Mommy a dummy girl!"
Despite the guilt in Kate's gut, she had to smile at her daughter's antics. 'Dummy' had become her new favorite word, one she used to describe just about anything. Ever since the day Alexis had used it to describe the boy who had been picking on her, Carrie had used it just because she could, not fully grasping its meaning. Kate nodded her head, and ran her fingers through her daughter's curls. "That's right. I'm a dummy girl." She pressed a kiss to Carrie's head. "Just don't get used to calling me that, it's not very nice." Unless it's warranted, like today. Then Carrie could call her a dummy all she wanted to.
"Mommy, read bean book?"
That is what Rick had said, that he thought they left her book here. "Let's find it and then we can read it."
She found it in Carrie's room, propped up on the changing table so she wouldn't forget to take it with her when they went back to Rick's. "I found it, sweetheart. Come here." Kate settled in the rocking chair in Carrie's room.
Carrie came running in at the sound of her mother's voice. Kate went to lift her off the ground and into her lap, but the girl pushed her hands away. "No mommy. I do it all by self." Kate chuckled, holding her hands above her head like a suspect and letting her clumsy yet independent daughter climb up into her lap all by herself. When she had succeeded, Carrie held her hands up in triumph, a brilliant grin stretched across her face. "I did it all by self!"
"You did! Good job!" Kate hugged the toddler and pressed a kiss to her cheek. She held the book out in front of them and began to read.
The thought had occurred to her that this particular book would be difficult to read under the circumstances. It was a book about love, not just to Carrie but to her as well, and now she was afraid she would never get it back. Kate did okay with the book, and was able to hide her feelings, until she got to the part about her.
But my Mommy, oh my Mommy, she's the best of the best,
With her in my life, I'm truly blessed.
Mommy is beautiful, smart, patient, and gentle,
Kind, silly, tough, and sentimental.
If I know one thing, of this I am sure,
I can't wait to grow up, and be just like her.
Once those words had helped her to see her worth, now they just taunted her on the page. They showed her everything she used to be and revealed how much she had fallen. Kate inhaled sharply, keeping the tears at bay, and finished the book, closing it and setting it down on the table next to her. Carrie looked up at her, her brown eyes studying Kate's face. "Read again Mama?"
"I think I want to read something else. Can you go pick out a different book?" Kate didn't know whether to be upset or relieved when Carrie did as requested without fighting. And Kate wondered if maybe her perceptive toddler could also see how much she had fallen.
Kate didn't hear from Rick all day, not even after Carrie was asleep. He deserved some space to figure out his thoughts, and right now she needed it too. But the need to reach out to someone was overwhelming, and she found herself reaching for her phone.
The number hadn't changed since she was a kid, and she let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding when her Dad answered, sounding like he was still half asleep.
"Dad! I'm sorry, it's late…"
"Is everything alright?"
"No," she choked out, "no, I screwed up, Dad."
His end was silent for a few seconds, and he didn't say anything. Then she heard rustling and the creaking of his bed. "I'll be right there."
Her mother's case file still spread out on her coffee table caught her eye. He didn't need to see that. "No, don't come now, I'm okay for now." She heard his movements stop. "I don't know, I just needed some reassurance maybe, and wanted to know if Carrie and I could meet you for lunch tomorrow."
"Yes. Of course." He paused. "Are you sure you're alright for now?"
"Yeah, for now." She sat down on the couch as she talked to him.
"Okay. Then I'll see you both tomorrow at one. Is Remy's okay?" She heard the creaking of his bed as he climbed back in, and her heartbeat slowed down as she realized he wouldn't be coming tonight.
"Yeah, Dad, Remy's is fine."
"Great. I'm sure that whatever happened, it will all work out."
"Thanks, Dad." She hoped he was right.
"Of course. I love you, Katie."
"Love you too." The line went dead as he hung up, and she placed the phone on one of the end tables, her head back and her eyes closed. She wanted her brain to stop showing her forms and pictures of the case in front of her. Even with her eyes closed, or in another room she couldn't escape it. The file was always with her, begging her to come back to it. She stood up and paced around the table, looking down at all the papers and pictures. Part of her wanted to walk away. She had learned today how much this had messed things up. She felt the anger burning in the pit of her stomach as she moved closer to the table. She had to stop herself. She switched directions and tried not to look. Poring over each line wouldn't do her any good anymore, it wouldn't bring her happiness back. She had already ruined it. But would avoiding the case do her any good, or had she already lost everything? Was she damned no matter which way she chose?
As she sat down again in front of the files, she felt her guilt resting heavily in her gut. But if she was damned either way, she might as well be productive.
She was frazzled when she got to Remy's the next day. She had been up all night looking at case details and had slept on the couch. As a result, she woke up too late to shower and with a headache that even a cup of coffee couldn't make go away. She had cleaned up the case files, woken up Carrie, and cooked breakfast. Next came the struggle to just get the toddler ready. She didn't have the time to get ready herself. Hence why she was dressed in NYPD sweatpants and a long sleeved black shirt, her hair pulled into a messy bun and minimal makeup.
As she sat across from her father and put Carrie in the high chair, he looked her up and down. "You look exhausted."
She chuckled. "Thanks, Dad. You really know how to make a girl feel better." She ordered a double bacon cheeseburger and a peanut butter and banana shake for herself, and some macaroni and a strawberry shake for Carrie. Once the waiter had disappeared, Kate rested her head in her arms on the table.
"So, what happened?" Her Dad's voice was laced with concern.
She didn't lift her head to answer. "I think Mom's case might have just cost me my relationship."
"I think you need to explain."
Kate sighed, lifting her head to meet her father's eyes. "I'm stupid. I pulled the case file out a little before Christmas just to see what they had. And ever since we returned from the cabin, I've been working on it."
"That's why you wanted to be a police officer, I get that."
Kate shook her head. "But that's not it! I let this case consume me. It's the last thing I think about when I go to sleep, and once I wake up it's all I think about. I see the autopsy report in my head as I fall asleep, the crime scene photos fill my dreams, and all day I theorize. But that's not the worst of it." Her father stayed silent, a raise of his eyebrow an indication for her to continue. "I let it take over work. I stopped paying attention to what I was supposed to be listening to, and instead worked on the case. Until I realized that could get someone killed. So instead I brought it to my apartment and I worked on it there. On my lunch breaks, after my shift was over, and even on my days off. I would tell Rick I had work, and I would go off to my own apartment and work on this case."
His eyes widened as he realized what happened. "Oh, Katie."
"I tried not to!" She shouted, her voice echoing in the mostly empty restaurant. "But when I don't work it the nightmares get worse. And I theorize more, and I have this overwhelming urge to go back and look at the file, to check out my hunch. And then I just get to thinking that if I continue to ignore that hunch, Mom's killer will continue to go free, and he might kill more people. And I feel like I owe it to Mom and the general public to catch this guy. Plus, what if he is caught one day and it turns out I've had the clues all along that could have brought him to justice way earlier? What does that say about me? And all these thoughts, they just keep racing around and around, and my head starts to hurt because it feels like they're shouting at me, and all I have to do is read one section of the autopsy report. So I look at that one page, and then another and another and I just don't know how to stop it! Even after Rick discovered me yesterday, I still worked all night on it."
"It sounds like an addiction."
She rolled her eyes, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "It's not an addiction. Why would you say that?"
"Because I know what that feels like." His voice lowered so he wouldn't bring attention to himself. "That overwhelming need to have a drink over my dinner, or to spend time at the bar instead of time with you. I've been there, Katie." She felt her guilt sink lower in the pit of her stomach as she listened to him describe his alcoholism. And she saw the parallels. She spent more time working her mother's case than she did playing with her daughter. Carrie didn't deserve to grow up like that, with an absent mother buried in old paperwork. "It doesn't have to be harmful to be an addiction."
She sighed, resting her arms on the table in front of her. "Okay, so I might have a problem. What do I do about it?"
"Well, did you ever go and see someone about the whole experience?"
"Someone like a therapist?" She asked, crinkling her nose at the thought.
"Someone exactly like a therapist." He replied, taking a bite out of his burger.
Kate dug into her food before answering, putting a few of her fries in front of Carrie. "I mean, I thought about it when I found out I was pregnant. But I had to get my life sorted out first. Then I had to get through school, and then I had to get a job, and now I have to plan a wedding," she paused as she realized she might not get that chance anymore. "Anyway, the point is, I just don't know if I have time."
Jim sighed, shaking his head. "You always were stubborn." Kate let out a nervous chuckle at his observation. Stubborn like her mother, he had told her growing up. "Katie, you need to take care of your health. That includes your mental health. You need help with this." He folded his hands in his lap and sat back in his seat, his eyes fixated on his plate. "And then you need to put this case somewhere you will never be able to look at it."
"I don't want to do that!" Her reaction was sharp, and it managed to even shock her.
He didn't react, just looked up at her and gave her that look that always managed to make her listen to him when she was younger, his eyes intense and his jaw set. "Trust me, I know that feeling. But if you can get to it, you'll keep working it. You need to put it away."
"Don't you want it solved? Don't you want justice?" She felt guilty for asking him that, because of course he did. But he didn't understand the repercussions. "If I put that case away, no one will look at it! It will sit on a shelf and collect dust like it has for the last three years already! Mom deserves better than that!"
"I know that!" His response was loud and angry, and the rest of the room had gone silent. Even Carrie, who had been babbling as she ate, stopped making noise to watch Jim.
Jim took a deep breath to compose himself before meeting Kate's eye again. "I know that your mother deserves better. Yes, I want justice, and I know that you, of all people, could solve the case if you set your mind to it. But at what cost?" He pointed to Carrie, who was looking between the two of them with interest. "What if it takes you years? How much time will you have missed with her? How would that affect your relationship?" She knew where this was going. He didn't want her to end up like him, the distant parent who wasn't there for his daughter when she needed him. "Yes, Johanna deserves better. But so does Carrie."
"Okay, so I'll see a therapist. Do you have any suggestions?"
He shrugged. "I'll talk to mine and see who he recommends."
"What do I do about Rick?" She asked after a few moments.
"Give him some space today, maybe talk to him in person tomorrow. Don't call it off yet and don't think the worst until you both have discussed it."
"He won't talk to me in front of the kids. Alexis has school, but I still have Carrie." She remembered his words, the hurt behind them. I can't do this right now. He wouldn't open up with either of the girls around.
Jim grinned then, his blue eyes shining. "Well, I just happen to have a day off…"
Kate scoffed at him, but grinned at the look he was shooting toward Carrie, one of anticipation. "Seriously, Dad? You'll just use any excuse you can come up with to steal her." She deepened her voice and puffed out her chest. "Don't worry, Katie, I'll take Bean so you can fight with your fiancé."
She always found it funny that he said her eye rolls were just like her mother, because his were spectacular as well, as he demonstrated now. "If you go in expecting a fight, you'll fight. Don't do that to yourself."
"I'll try." She placed her hand over his. "Thanks."
He shot her a reassuring smile. "Anytime."
When she got home, she gathered all the pieces of her mother's case file and locked them in a briefcase that she bought when she wanted to be a lawyer. She then put the key under Carrie's mattress, so that she couldn't get to it while the girl was sleeping. They went about their day as normally as possible. Carrie sang songs, read books, and watched a movie.
After the girl fell asleep, Kate still hadn't heard from Rick. She paced around the table for the second time in twenty-four hours. This time though, the table was clear. She should call him and set up a time, right? He could always refuse, which might just kill her a little inside. So maybe she should just show up. Except that would be ambushing him, and wouldn't help the situation. What if he was screening his calls though, what did she do then?
She stopped pacing the floor and reached for the phone, dialing his number and listening to it ring. Once. Twice. Three times. "Castle residence."
His voice calmed her racing heart, and she let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. "Hey, Rick."
A/N: I made people angry, and I'm sorry! In my defense, she does tell Castle on the show that she spent the first three years of her career looking into leads, and that it took her a year of therapy to realize that it would destroy her life. I don't think having a kid changes that, but I think that it will help her fix it faster. And I'm sorry if she seems like a petulant child in this chapter, but she is younger here, and we young people think we have it all figured out. She needed a wake up call... I promise it will all be okay!
Also, I go back to school on Tuesday, which means regular schedule, and regular updates! I'm thinking it will be Thursday nights, but I'll keep you all posted! Thanks for all the reviews, I love seeing how you reacted even though I made people unhappy. I hope I'll make you happier in the coming chapters. :)