Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Winter Song
Chapter 25: Warning
I suggest we
Learn to love our
Selves before it's
Made illegal
When will we learn?
When will we change?
Just in time to see it all come down
Those left standing
Will make millions
Writing books on the way
It should have been
She woke in the morning
She knew that her life had passed her by
And she called out a warning (warning)
"Don't ever let life pass you by!"
"Warning" by Incubus (Morning View)
Xander woke up with a kiss on his lips. Angel was leaning over him, kissing him to life like Snow White's prince. Sleepily, Xander smiled and returned it.
"Good morning," Angel said with a small smile.
"Hi," Xander said.
"You have school," Angel noted, pointing at the clock ticking on the wall.
"Oh, crap," Xander moaned. Stumbling out of the warm cocoon of blankets, he headed to the bathroom. It hit him then that he'd actually stayed the night at Angel's house, in Angel's bed. Xander grinned nervously at the mirror. Reflected in it he saw a young boy – no, a young man, tousled hair and wide eyes, flushed cheeks, red lips. His eyes were shining and Xander splashed some water on his hair and face to get it to look okay.
"Do you need a ride?" Angel asked from the kitchen. He offered Xander a mug of coffee, but Xander declined (caffeine did strange things to his system).
"That'd be nice, yeah," Xander admitted.
It felt sort of like a real couple, Xander thought, the way they got ready for their day together, walked outside and got in the car. Angel was giving him warm smiles that seemed to say the same thing. They held hands on the drive, the radio silent. There didn't need to be any words, just the feeling of the warming sunlight, just the sensation of their joined hands over the thrum of the car.
"Are you going to be okay?" Angel asked as they pulled in a block from the school. "With your parents, I mean?" He lifted Xander's hand to his lips and gave it that special kiss that he always gave him. Xander smiled sadly.
"Yeah, I should be fine. I mean, the hills aren't alive with the sound of music or anything, but…"
"Xander…" Angel murmured. He looked away, seemed to think about saying something, decided against it. "Just…know that my door is always open to you, okay? Or Spike's, or Buffy's or Willow's. You don't have to go back tonight, if you don't want to," he said finally.
Xander squeezed Angel's hand gently, and got out of the car. "I'll see you around," he said, not really answering what Angel said. Angel nodded, his eyes sad with too much understanding of the dissolution of families. Family, Xander thought sadly. He shut the car door behind him.
As the car pulled away, Xander milled aimlessly around the lawn as the students began to arrive in their buses. Most of them gazed at the car and at Xander with questioning eyes but Xander was too caught up in his thoughts to really see them. It had been like family, a family of their own making this morning. There was a hazy reality in his mind that that could be him and Angel, five years from now perhaps, getting up together.
Xander blushed at how involved the kiss had gotten last night. How far would it have gone if they hadn't been interrupted? Would he have let Angel…And then Drusilla's harsh words would ring in his ears. Whore, she'd said. Was that it? Was he willing to give up everything he'd been taught about the sanctity of marriage just to give in to the desire to sleep with Angel?
Of course, he and Angel didn't stand much of a chance of being married in the traditional sense, but still, Xander had been taught and had since developed his own opinions about sex since childhood. Sex was serious, not some lusty thing to be shared and then forgotten. It was like his thoughts about Larry and Angel, the night before. He could have given into the pleasure of Larry's kiss last night; that would have been his choice.
But ultimately, what would that have led to? Sex was something to be shared between two people who are in love with each other and committed to monogamy. Look at what casual sex had done to Angel, Spike, and Drusilla. Obviously most cases weren't as extreme as Angel's, but sex had become in society something to be mocked at, shown in cheap porn flicks and one night stands that left both people cold and empty the next morning, left with nothing but a night of passion with a stranger and loneliness the next day (or possibly a STD or a baby (surprise!)).
Sex hadn't just been designed for procreation. Sex was something that God had given to humans to let them have a union, where two people became, even briefly, one entity, connected in the most intimate of unions. It was meant to lower barriers and for hearts to be shared, to have two people racing toward the pleasure of not just the sex but the emotional thrill of the trust that it should take to be ready for sex.
Xander was in love with Angel with all his heart, he knew that. But did that mean that he was ready to…hell, were they ready to? Angel had said before that he was still working through some things. He'd been burned before. The thought of sex with Angel filled him with both thrill and dread, anticipation and nervousness. Maybe, in some obscure sense, he was glad that they'd been interrupted last night, because he wasn't ready, not quite yet.
God, grant me the understanding to know myself, Xander thought to himself with a wry smile as his heart and his body had their own argument about sex. Xander turned and resolutely headed up the steps towards the school as the bell rang.
***
Why do you look so familiar?
I could swear that I
Have seen your face before
I think I like that you seem sincere
I think I'd like to know you a little bit more
"Where've you been?!" Willow demanded as soon as he stepped into the lobby, Buffy behind her. Willow looked like she'd been awake half the night, and jumped up on caffeine (this was never a good combination with Willow). Tara was holding Willow's hand, exasperatedly trying to calm her down.
"What do you mean?" Xander asked as blithely as he could manage.
"Oh, come on, Xander, don't act like you don't know it's already all over town," Buffy said impatiently. "You had a huge fight with your parents and then you ran away from home for a night; the whole school is buzzing."
"And your parents called mine last night and wanted to know if you were at my house!" Willow said angrily. "I was freaking out; I didn't know where you were or who you were with or—"
"And then they called my mom," Buffy broke in. "No one had a clue where you were!"
"I…spent the night at a friend's," Xander hedged. "It was a bad fight."
"Right, the only 'friend' we know who drives a black convertible," Cordelia said as she walked in from behind them. Xander noticed that she had walked in order to not draw attention to the fact that she no longer had a flashy red convertible. She didn't say a word about it, so neither did he. In fact, she was acting as if yesterday had never happened. He gave her that.
I think there's something more
Life's worth living for
"You were with Angel last night?" Buffy demanded. "What…happened?"
"We didn't do anything, if that's what you're asking," Xander said, his cheeks flaming.
"Well, we all heard that you told your dad that you hated him," Cordelia said as they started walking. "Not that I blame you, mind."
"Do my neighbors just bug my house?" Xander demanded angrily.
"In Sunnydale? Who can tell how far the gossip hounds will go? It's not like they have anything else to do," Tara remarked with more anger in her gentle voice than you usually heard.
Who knows what could happen?
Do what you do, just keep on laughing
One thing's true:
There's always a brand new day
I'm gonna live today like it's my last day
"Well, yes, we had a fight. They…my mom knows," Xander whispered, wincing at the memory of Jessica sitting at that table, her zombie-like movements, the alcohol in front of her, the way her eyes seemed to burn into his with emotions her face simply could not express.
"Oh, God, Xander," Willow breathed. She pulled him into a tight hug. "Are you alright?"
"Not really," Xander said lightly. "She didn't tell my dad, he was just pissed because I've been sneaking out. They nailed my window shut and took all my posters and everything."
"My mom did that once in LA," Buffy said with a wince. "When she and dad were fighting all the time, I used to just leave to get away from it all. When she nailed it shut, I got so mad at her…I feel really guilty about it now, of course; she had so much going on that she didn't need me worrying her to add to it."
Buffy's words sent a splinter of guilt through Xander's heart, but he fought it down. Really, what choice did he have? He was practically a prisoner in his own house; there was nothing else for him to do but sneak out. He felt a burning wave of resentment toward his father, and it left a bad taste in his mouth.
How do you always have an opinion?
And how do you always find the best way to compromise?
We don't need to have a reason
We don't need anything
We're just wasting time
"It's really hard, stuck with your parents," Tara said hesitantly. "I mean, they're your parents, so you love them. But you want so badly to not…care…" she trailed off, looking away. Xander saw Willow squeeze her hand in sympathy, and he winced. Tara's words really hit the nail with the hammer.
I think there's something more
Life's worth living for
"How long until you're eighteen?" he asked her.
"Two weeks," Tara said, giving him a commiserating smile.
"I thought eighteen was going to be so much different than seventeen," Cordelia said reflectively. "But, really, you don't feel any older or more adultish. You're just you, only now able to buy cigarettes and porn." They all stared at her. "Well, I didn't buy either of those things, you pervs," she said peevishly.
Who knows what could happen?
Do what you do, just keep on laughing
One thing's true:
There's always a brand new day
I'm gonna live today like it's my last day
"I just think that maybe it's hitting us all now," Willow said, staring around at the lobby. "I mean, I'm so used to this place, love it or hate it. I've always looked so forward to getting out of it that I've never really given much thought to how much it impacted my entire teenage life."
"I know what you mean," Buffy said. "Things that were so important last year are just…whatever, now, you know what I mean? It's like we've been inside this giant bubble and the teachers are about to just drop us out with a diploma and a card that says 'Good luck.'"
"I think that we just aren't teenagers anymore," Cordelia said. "I mean, in age, sure, but in high school you're immortal. You don't care about anything but grades and flirting and homework. Now all of a sudden we're the ones that are going, 'Oh, how am I going to pay for college?' and 'Do I want kids?'"
"It's sort of like death," Tara said pensively. "Each stage of our life is like death when it's over. Our childhoods are already dead and now we're working on getting through adolescence."
"Well, we have each other, at least," Buffy said with a melancholy smile. "We're gonna stick together after high school."
"Oh, God, stuck with you losers until I'm wrinkly," Cordelia said with a faux shudder.
"At least it's us and not Harmony," Willow said with a smirk.
"What a twit," Xander commented acerbically.
"What?!" Buffy asked, turning to stare at him incredulously. They all gave her a blank stare and she flushed all the way to the roots of her hair. "I thought he said something else."
"Oh!" Willow gasped, and then they were all laughing, thoughts of adulthood and death far away as the teenagers careened down the hall, one last sunny day left in the spring of youth.
Who knows what could happen?
Do what you do, just keep on laughing
One thing's true:
There's always a brand new day
So you go and make it happen
Do your best, just keep on laughing
I'm telling you:
There's always a brand new day
I'm gonna live today like it's my last day
***
I never said nothing
I never said nothing
I don't know where you heard it
Don't know who's spreadin' it 'round
All I know is I'm clean as a whistle, baby
I didn't utter a sound
The day was a hot one, but Xander didn't think the heat was the reason he was blushing. Virtually all of Sunnydale High School was staring at him, whispering and pointing. It was embarrassing and actually frustrating as he tried to concentrate on his classes. Everywhere, the stories were buzzing: Perfect Xander Harris had a huge fight with his parents. Perfect Xander Harris went out all night.
The common thought was drugs or booze. Just as Buffy had told him, there was the small rumor that Xander was gay, but that was largely laughed off. A secret girlfriend that mommy and daddy would disapprove of was a far more common conclusion. There were some that were more accurate than others in saying that Xander was bucking his father's control over every inch of his life, but since that was the most normal of the suggestions it was largely ignored in favor of drug addiction.
The previous day's battle was now viewed as an intervention gone wrong. Xander snorted with semi-hysterical laughter at the thought. Xander Harris, crack addict. Teachers were staring just as badly as the students were, particularly some of the older one's. Xander's creative writing teacher clucked disapprovingly at Xander's attempts at poetry and glared at him for half the class, ostentatiously rubbing the large golden cross he wore around his neck.
By the time the bell rang Xander was sweating and he had to run to the bathroom to splash cold water on his face.
I don't know what they told you
Don't even care what about
All I know is I'm clean as a whistle, baby
I didn't let the cat out
During English, the teacher droned on about the psychological impacts of Macbeth while Xander doodled aimlessly on a piece of paper. His own exam wouldn't include anything about Macbeth because his father had emphatically insisted that Xander not be exposed to "the use of the devil's children as a form of entertainment."
Of course, that had led Xander to borrow a copy of Macbeth from Willow and read all about it. He'd never been particularly afraid of the Witches from Macbeth; all of his and Willow's metaphysical conversations about Wicca and Christianity and all the various similarities and differences had armed him with the knowledge that actual Wicca was a rather gentle craft, and most witches bristled at the annoyingly repetitive references to Satan whenever anyone talked about witchcraft.
But he was really just circling around the bandwagons, so to speak, to avoid thinking about the end of the day, which was creeping closer and closer. Next period was lunch, which left three classes till the bell rang. And then what?
A very insightful question, Mr. Harris, he told himself in his mind. What was there that he could possibly say to his parents to make last night alright? He'd actually told his father to his face that he hated him before leaving to spend the night away from home. His parents had called his friends and asked where he was, and…what was he going to say?
What had his mother said? Had she told his father the truth? What would his father say to that? Would his parents look at him like he was sick, infected, diseased? Would they blame Willow or Satan or both? They'd tell him that no one is born homosexual and to even suggest such a thing would be an affront to God; they'd talk all about how gay teachers were trying to 'recruit our youth' and how gay politicians and activists were trying to spread their 'homosexual agenda' through the government; they'd say that AIDS was sent from God to smite the sinners, and that they should learn from their punishment to repent.
It was nothing he hadn't heard before, but he'd never heard it directed at him.
When the bell rang he was startled out of his mind and looked down, seeing that he'd sketched an angel. Sighing, he shut his notebook.
So don't look at me sideways
Don't even look me straight-on
And don't look at my hands in my pockets, baby
I ain't done anything wrong
On the way out to lunch, Larry found him and grabbed his hand.
"Hey," he said quietly.
"Hi," Xander said cautiously.
"Can I talk to you for a second?" Larry asked, glancing around. People were staring.
"Okay," Xander said. "But I've gotta go to lunch—"
"Yeah, I know," Larry said, running his hand through his hair. He looked nervous. They walked up to the cafeteria and Larry turned toward him when there weren't many people in earshot. "Look, man, I just wanted to apologize again about last night."
"Nothing happened," Xander assured him again.
"Well, I just feel bad. And now everyone's going around spreadin' rumors and shit about you and someone said that you saw me last night, so…I mean, were you outed?" Larry asked in concern.
"No, just the usual Sunnydale rumor mill," Xander said irritably. "You know this town; you can't change the flowers in your garden without everyone having a powwow about the thing. Everybody thinks I'm a crackhead."
"Seriously?"
"Sadly, yes," Xander said with a grin.
"Okay," Larry said, returning the smile. "Did you get there okay last night?"
"Yeah. I'm just not sure what to say to my parents," Xander admitted.
"My advice? Don't tell them the truth," Larry said, his eyes serious.
"What do you mean?" Xander asked nervously.
"Look, nothing against your parents but…just going from the way mine reacted. I know you want to be all truthful and everything, but…it just might be easier for you to have some distance, you know, not have to live with them all the time. Living on your own looks nice but it actually kinda sucks the first month," Larry said bitterly.
"Thanks," Xander said warmly. He gently took Larry's big football hand and gave it a squeeze. Larry squeezed back and gave him a smile before he pulled back, his face going macho again.
"See you around, Harris," Larry said, his voice gruff, before he loped off.
Xander watched him go.
I never said nothing
No, not to anyone
***
Oddly enough, the Apocalypse didn't strike until lunchtime.
Xander headed out to the quad, where Buffy was sitting leaned against Spike, who was getting ready to open his guitar case. A crowd of students was gathering around them (of course, when Armageddon comes everyone is grouped in one place). Willow and Tara were sitting on a bench, holding hands. Tara was reading a book of poetry and occasionally sharing something with Willow, who was flipping through a final exams test booklet.
Cordelia was eating her lunch with Harmony and the Cordettes, and she looked like she was ready to drive her fork into Harmony's thigh. Xander gave her a commiserating smile and she mimed death while Harmony wasn't looking. At least the guitar wasn't making Harmony think about singing, Xander thought; once he'd heard her in theatre arts class do a rendition of "Part of Your World" from The Little Mermaid and he'd thought for a serious moment that blood was leaking from his eardrums.
The sun was bright in the sky, the clouds white and fluffy, devoid of yesterday's rain. The grass seemed to zing with extra green, the trees swaying in a gentle breeze. The day was primed to be perfect, the air smelling like springtime and birth and the flowers the school's horticultural club planted. Maybe it was that air of pleasant anticipation as Spike tuned up the guitar and his friends waved at him that made everyone here the horrendous crash from the front yard.
I'm in the business of misery
Let's take it from the top
She's got a body like an hourglass
That's ticking like a clock
It's just a matter of time before we all run out
When I thought he was mine
She caught him by the pout
I waited eight long months
She finally set him free
I told him I can't lie; he was the only one for me
Two weeks and we caught on fire
She's got it out for me
Everyone jerked up and moved en masse toward the front. Xander would wonder later at how badly timed it all was; that Spike would be there to draw the crowd, that Sunnydale High had a communal lunch time so everyone was there including the teachers, how perfect the weather was as his world ended.
There on the green lawn as an old, beat-up blue car that looked like it'd been bought at a police auction (which it probably had been, Xander realized, when he saw the Angel Investigations logo badly stenciled onto the side). "Shit," Spike whispered as Drusilla drunkenly staggered out of the driver's side door.
She was high on more than pills; she swung a bottle of Jack Daniels away from her and it hit the 'Sunnydale High' sign that she'd crashed into and shattered. The crash wasn't too bad; the car was probably dead but she looked fine, other than the stagger in her steps and the way her hands clawed at the air.
"What on Earth is going on?!" Snyder's rat-voice demanded as he stormed out of his office. Drusilla turned with a drunken flourish as she saw her audience.
"Spike!" she cried, her voice overloud in the hushed yard. The students weren't making a sound, just standing like a wall of humanity, staring at one of their own who'd gone rabid. "There you are, you little bitch! Went to your apartment but you weren't there!"
"Dru," Spike began placatingly, holding his hands out, but she just smashed into him and knocked him over. Looking down at him, she giggled and spat something out of her mouth. Xander learned later that she'd swallowed some pills she'd scored off of God only knows where. Her eyes were wide and her pupils dilated, and they flashed yellow in the sunlight. She looked evil.
"Hey!" Buffy cried, surging forward. "What the hell is your problem?" She helped Spike up to his feet.
"Oh, so that's how it is," Drusilla laughed. "Angel dumps you for him—" She pointed an accusing finger at Xander, who felt like all his blood had been drained out of him and started swaying like he might pass out. "—and so you run off to the next of my guys that'll fuck your worthless ass."
Spike went crimson with rage. "Shut your hole, Drusilla!" he snarled. "Just clear off!"
"What, ruining your romantic afternoon?" she screamed, enraged. She was actually crying, Xander realized, and she looked like she'd clawed at her own face. "I'm the sick one, remember! And now…now no one…I'm all alone!" She wept, trembling. The teachers were staring as much as the students, and no one moved to help her. She was outsider, she was other, she was frightening.
"You!" she screeched suddenly. "This is all your fault!" She lunged at Xander with murder in her eyes, as Spike grabbed her and desperately tried to pull her back. Willow and Tara fought to the front of the crowd as they separated from Xander like he had a disease, all staring, everyone staring.
"Drusilla!" Spike begged, his voice breaking, going hoarse. "Don't do this!"
"Do what?" she demanded, slamming her fist into Spike's groin. Spike stumbled. "Tell everyone that their favorite preacher boy is fucking my Angel?! That that stupid little bastard is a worthless faggot and he can't even tell mummy and daddy? Boo hoo, you little whore!" she screamed, the venom in her voice sounding like acid as she sobbed, her mascara running in black streaks as it fell down her face.
Second chances? They don't ever matter
People never change
Once a whore, you're nothing more
I'm sorry, that'll never change
And about forgiveness
We're both supposed to act ashamed
I'm sorry honey but I'm past that
Now look this way
Well, there's a million other girls who do it just like you
Looking as innocent as possible to get to who
They want and what they like
It's easy if you do it right
The crowd gasped as one, and everything seemed to flow in slow motion. Things began to click in people's heads, Xander saw numbly. Everyone was staring, realization dawning. Everyone knew, and they were all staring. Buffy was a slow blur as she cold-cocked Drusilla in the jaw and the other girl went down cold; Cordelia looked horrified and was trying to make it to Xander but was blocked by the other girls; Willow and Tara had been shoved out of sight by the crowd that seemed to be converging on Xander, all screaming the same thing.
Xander turned and ran, but he'd never outrun the truth that had finally come out and could never, ever be shoved away again.
Songs used in this chapter:
Warning by Incubus (Morning View)
Who Knows by Avril Lavigne (Under My Skin)
Never Said by Liz Phair (Exile in Guyville)
Misery Business by Paramore (Riot!)