A/N: Hello. Thanks for reading!
Date.
A simple invitation which to anyone would have meant a night in the city, taking way too long to order an entree, sharing an appetizer, and then walking off the food before stopping somewhere else for drinks – if the conversation was good, of course.
Nevertheless, for Shimako, the quiet, "Have dinner with me next Friday?" asked by Noriko, might as well had been a "will you marry me?" instead, because although Shimako had been on dates before – all of which blind and somewhat forced because of her being Rosa Gigantea – it was the first time she had formally been asked out.
Ever.
To add to her anxiety she still needed to talk to her onee-sama about the way she felt toward Noriko – and the thought of passing down the rosary to the younger girl. Since the rosary had once belonged to Sei, Shimako thought it more than fitting to speak with the blonde before handing something that had been a piece of her to somebody else.
Sei needed to know.
And since Sei needed to know, a few days before that date, Shimako found herself sitting across her onee-sama at the older girl's apartment. Cup of tea in hand, Shimako looked at Sei for a long time, the older girl allowing her petite soeur to take her time in that silent exploration of the blonde's face. It had been a while since they were found alone in a room with no one else around, and much like in high school, they very much felt comfortable with each other's stillness.
It wasn't terrible to admit that their relationship was successful because it was taciturn – the connection between the two girls went beyond simple words. Yes, there were times, of course, that a long conversation was needed, that an endless night of words had been requested by both parties, that a raft of sentences had been either spilled or written by one of the two friends; however, it was in the tranquility of a gaze, the quietness of a hug, the strength of a hand held that their relationship became what it had become.
"You look happy, Onee-sama," Shimako started, placing the teacup and saucer on the coffee table so she could devote all of her attention to Sei.
"You keep saying that…"
"Because I can't stop seeing it," Shimako said with the certainty of someone who had been as lost as the girl sitting across from her. And to see those two pools of gray, clear as a sunny day, had even brought Shimako to tears the first time she saw her onee-sama after coming back from Hokkaido.
Quietly, Shimako thought again of the day Sei had driven to the Shoguji temple to see her for the first time after the year the younger girl had spent in the Cloister. When Shimako's tears rolled down her face as she looked at Sei standing in front of her, she praised Maria-sama, first for allowing her to see that smile on Sei's face – the brightly honest one she rarely saw – and secondly, for the ability to be held tightly by her dear onee-sama once again.
To be sitting across the woman at that instant, looking into her eyes and still seeing light, to Shimako, it meant more than anything in the world.
"I think whatever you're seeing is Youko's doing," Sei responded. Then Shimako added a quiet and playful, "I know."
"Oh! So you know, huh?"
"It's not like you're hiding it."
"You make a good point..."
Then it was Shimako's turn to smile brightly. How incredible it was to have been able to hear those words coming from her onee-sama's mouth, and the thought that much like Noriko was her light, Youko was Sei's.
They were darkness, both of them. They were very much the same person; quiet, unyielding, and before they met one another, they were willing to suffer alone, though after their paths crossed, after Sei allowed Shimako to see her in her brokenness and confusion, after Shimako had allowed Sei to wrap the blonde's rosary around the younger girl's wrist, sharing that heavy burden, they always had one another to rely on.
"I'm so glad," Shimako added.
"Shimako…" Sei said seriously, catching the younger girl off guard.
"…"
"Tell me what worries you…"
"Onee-sama?"
"Has it…" Sei pointed at Shimako's wrist before continuing, "become a burden to you after all these years?"
"Onee-sama! Why do you say that?"
"You've been fiddling with it ever since you sat down."
"Have I really?"
"Yup."
Shimako took a deep breath, Sei still staring at her petite soeur as if telling Shimako she would wait as long as it took.
"When…" Shimako finally started, "did you know about Youko?"
"That I loved her?" Sei asked candidly.
"H-hai…"
"You know… It took a long time…" Sei began, folding one of her legs under he rear. "I hated the strength in her, I hated that she was able to take care of a room full of adults like it was the Yamayurikai. I hated that she was a meddler in the most gallant of ways. I hated her because we were fundamentally different, and because we tried oh so hard to be terribly good and annoyingly bad."
"…"
"I'm serious… But, somehow she loved me – even the weakness in me, she loved. Even when I couldn't reciprocate her feelings she never demanded anything back like many would. And she loved me quietly; even when I was consumed by Shiori, she loved me." Sei chuckled before continuing, "Looking back everything is so clear, everything makes so much sense… Looking back I was an asshole. I was terrible, selfish, spoiled. I demanded a love that was out of reach, I cried for someone who couldn't accept my love, while Youko stood on the sidelines warning me endlessly that I was going to get hurt. I pushed Youko away. I treated her terribly because all I wanted to see was Shiori. When all was said and done, Youko was still there, she never left. She rescued and comforted me; like a wounded puppy she took care of me, making sure I'd survive and when she knew I was okay, she set me free, though by that time I already loved her. And I didn't fall for her while she was dressing up my wounds, I fell for her when she wasn't looking, when she was worried about Sachiko, when she was distracted looking out the window. I fell for her when I first saw her for whom she was, Mizuno Youko, not Rosa Chinensis en bouton, just Mizuno Youko. I felt my heart pulling me toward her on a Friday morning, when her eyes were still bloodshot and she was half-asleep, trying hard to keep her head up after an all-nighter. I fell in love with her strength – the thing I hated the most in the beginning. I feel in love with her ability to lead, with her interfering in everybody's lives with the best of intentions…When I was able to see her, I fell in love with all of her. All of it."
"Sei!" Shimako said the girl's name so naturally it was as if she had never called her by any other name. Then Shimako buried her face in her onee-sama's chest, arms wrapped around the blonde, "I am so glad you finally told her."
"I waited too long. I should have told her even before you showed up in our lives."
"But… then things would have been different between us," Shimako trailed off, her arms still around Sei's waist, her fingers squeezing the rosary on her wrist.
Sei kissed Shimako's head, then carefully held on to both her shoulders so she could look at her petite soeur's face once more, "But..." she started, "things aren't different, you're still my little sister, I still love you more than you can imagine, and because I love you, I also know you, and that being said, I know you're not here to speak of what-ifs. Tell me, little one… the rosary, why has it become such a burden?"
"Onee-sama," Shimako said, "The rosary has never been a burden. Ever since you wrapped it around my wrist, it has been a reminder that I am loved, that I am cared for, that you and the other girls are my home… And because I cherish this rosary so much, I'd like to share it."
"So you came here to ask me for permission…" The sentence coming out more as a statement than a question, and receiving a clear "Yes," as answer.
Shimako watched Sei smile, she watched her onee-sama look straight at her, her eyes locked in the center of the younger girl's face, and Shimako simply looked back with the serenity which had always been expected from the White Rose.
Then Sei finally spoke, "If it was anyone else, I'd tell you to wait, because it's too early to make such an important decision – especially since we're not at Lillian anymore and to me, trusting your rosary with someone you practically just met comes with high risks. Nonetheless, since we're talking about Riko-chin…" and at that Shimako made an o with her mouth as if surprised that Sei knew, though the blonde lifted her hand to say she wasn't done, and Shimako obliged with quietness, so Sei could finish her thought, "…then you have my blessing."
Then instead of asking the question she was going to before Sei stopped her, Shimako asked, "Are you sure?"
"Are you sure?" Sei shot back.
"I love her," was Shimako's quiet answer.
At that, Sei smiled again. She knew the dangers of a first love, she knew of the terrifying feeling of losing ground, of falling in that endless abyss that love could be, and though she wanted to protect Shimako from all of the hurt that the end could bring about, she couldn't force herself to tell her petite soeur to go slow, because slow was not love, because cautiously was not how falling should be.
Still, Sei asked Shimako to explain to Noriko what the rosary meant to her before handing it to the brunette, because, "If you don't tell her that she has your heart in her hands, then she might be reckless with it – Not that I don't trust Riko-chin, it's just that I'd hate to see you suffer, little one."
###
Shimako arrived at K-station twenty minutes ahead of schedule; still, she wasn't able to beat Noriko, who stood with her back against a pillar, one foot up on the wall, her legs forming the number four as she stood. The brunette looked up at the ceiling, making Shimako wish she were able to read her thoughts.
One of Noriko's hands grabbed on to a small paper bag by its delicate handles and Shimako knew exactly what the contents of that bag were.
Rosa Gigantea halted her steps and watched the brunette across from her; the skinny black jeans, the dark-blue and white plaid shirt –buttoned up all the way to the top– the baby-blue, high-top chucks.
Noriko was pretty in a way Shimako thought wonderful.
Noriko was the type of pretty Shimako couldn't avoid, the type of pretty her eyes couldn't stop finding. In a train station full of people walking fast up and down the isles, Noriko was the stillness Shimako wanted to see, the incredible, quiet light she alone was able to find.
And Noriko's jet-black hair shone under the bright lights, the always perfectly aligned bangs were then swept to the side the younger girl's head was leaning on, making Shimako wonder what Noriko would look like if she allowed that hair to grow pass her eyebrows – would she look like Sachiko? I bet she would, Shimako thought, a smile tugging at her lips.
After a long while watching the brunette from a corner, Shimako made her way toward Noriko. And it only took two or three steps for the brunette to spot Rosa Gigantea walking her way. Immediately after seeing Shimako, Noriko straightened up, smiling brightly, and it was all it took for the air to be stolen from Rosa Gigantea's lungs.
Like the leaves of a Sakura tree in spring, Shimako's heart swayed and all but disconnected from her chest, flowing toward Noriko, and that feeling of losing wasn't anguishing; on the contrary, it was all Shimako wanted – to be able to offer Noriko all of her – and that freedom was selfless, much like Rosa Gigantea thought when she pictured love.
Stopping right in front of Noriko, Shimako offered a quiet, "Gokigenyou," to which she was answered with an unexpected and breathless, "My God!"
"Riko?"
"Y-you look incredible," was Noriko's reasoning for the unusual greeting, then when she finally recovered, she offered Shimako a shy, "Gokigenyou, these are for you," she quickly handed the baggy to Shimako.
"They're…"
"The one's you said you liked, right?"
Shimako had mentioned briefly her fascination with candy from that specific store the first time she had met Noriko at the Rose Mansion. It was hard for her to fathom Noriko was paying attention to anything Shimako said that afternoon, since to Shimako, the brunette was more worried about Touko and Kanako than with anything else.
"Thank you…" Shimako said shyly, her cheeks painted in the nicest shade of pink.
"Of course!" Noriko answered, then continued, "Wanna try them?"
At Shimako's nod, Noriko took Rosa Gigantea by the hand and walked her to a bench, "I got you a three pack…" she chuckled, "I had no idea what your favorite flavor was…"
"Then try them with me," Shimako said, sitting down and reaching for the plastic container that house the three mochi balls, "number one is sweet bean paste," she took a bite and gave Noriko the other half. Her lips covered in powdered sugar, she covered her mouth with one of her hands, and she chewed on the treat until she was able to speak, "I like sweet bean paste, especially the way they treated it before they wrapped the mochi around it," she finished, watching Noriko pop her half in her mouth and chew it slowly.
"It's good!" was Noriko's shy verdict.
Then Shimako retrieved the second mochi from the container, "this one is really good, too" she said, taking a bite off the strawberry one and watching Noriko as she examined the half-bitten ball she was given, "Clever," she said, "they off-set the sweetness of the mochi with the tart of a strawberry, huh?"
"It has to be one of my favorites… but this one, though…" she pulled the last one from the container, "this one ought to be my all-time favorite," she lifted the mochi up and looked at it for a long time before bringing it to her mouth.
Then Noriko ate her half of the treat, the green thing coating her mouth with the sweetness of the mochi and the freshness of the matcha's filling. And that bite immediately took Noriko back to Furano.
She thought herself crazy for being able to smell the lavender, and for a split second she really doubted her sanity for feeling the shaking and hearing the rattling of the old train that took her to her hotel after she left the lavender fields.
She thought of that afternoon, when, starving, all she had in her backpack was the candy she had purchased at the welcome center before her mind was blown away by none but the girl who at that second sat by her at K-station.
When Noriko had chosen that fateful bag of candy in Furano, the colorful wrappers had thrown her for a loop once she realized that the entire bag of candy was green tea mochi.
Eyes closed, Noriko kept on chewing the dense dessert, the smell of lavender still in her nostrils, until Shimako broke the silence with, "A green tea mochi ball made me leave Hokkaido."
Which made Noriko choke.
"I'll get you water," Shimako said, running toward a vending machine.
Did I say something wrong? Shimako wondered as she swiped her card and pressed the E7 button; then when the water bottle fell into the little chamber and she fished it from the machine, she looked at Noriko sitting at that bench; coughing fit under control, the brunette wiped the powdered sugar from her mouth with the tip of her fingers.
Maybe she doesn't care. Shimako reached for the rosary on her wrist, Onee-sama, are you really okay with me doing this? Do you really trust Noriko with my heart?
"Here," Shimako twisted the lid open and handed the bottle to Noriko, who took a pretty big gulp and then cleared her throat before thanking Shimako.
"You're welcome," Shimako replied and watched Noriko stand up. Taking a step closer to Rosa Gigantea, the brunette reached for Shimako's hand, lacing their fingers together.
"I was in Furano when I decided to leave the cloister."
"Shimako…"
Shimako shook her head quickly as if saying she wanted to keep going, "Every now and then I travelled down there from Hokkaido to help with the diocese's cleaning," she started, then explained that on days they were done early, she'd walk to Kami-Furano to see the flowers. "I remember the very first time I saw the rows of lavender… I was taken aback," she had thought it to be a sign, a true testament she was doing the right thing by joining the Convent. Week after week she'd return for more. And as she watched the transformation of scenery which came about with the change of seasons, she finally understood the significance of Ecclesiastes 3: there was indeed a time for everything – to plant and to uproot, to tear down and to build… to search and to give up.
"The more I returned to that same hill, the more I saw the seasons changing the fields – the flowers budding, and blooming, and dying – the more I questioned. And I wondered endlessly if I was allowing my seasons to change, if I was letting life take its proper course by being in Hokkaido."
Shimako looked at Noriko and saw two chocolate pools staring at her, one of the brunette's hands in her pockets, the water bottle long forgotten atop of the bench they stood in front of.
"More and more I felt as if God had a paintbrush, and while he was trying to paint this wonderful picture, I kept on hitting his hand and messing up his work," Shimako chuckled, her eyes never leaving Noriko's until she reached for the younger girl's free pocket, pulling Noriko closer to her, and while she looked down at the blue chucks, Shimako said softly, "your shoe's untied," then she bent down and tied it, the rosary's crucifix dangling as she looped, swooped, and pulled the shoelaces, her heart swaying as well, "there," she finished, standing back up.
Then she continued, "I started to ask for signs… For the longest time I waited for something, anything else beside the flowers to show me that I didn't belong in Hokkaido." She proceeded to explain that try as she might, she saw nothing, "I was expecting a grandiose gesture, letters across the clear sky, a hail storm… I was expecting the bells not to ring at midday." Only when Shimako understood that the sign she was waiting for didn't have to be complex in order to convey God's message, was when she finally saw it, "I saw it through the eyes of a little girl who hiked up the hill I was standing at, just to offered me a piece of candy."
Shimako explained that at first she turned it down, she couldn't take the treat from the little girl, "But then she said it was a gift from Maria-sama," Rosa Gigantea couldn't stop her lips from smiling, "She said that she needed to share it with a friend, because since it had come from Maria-sama, it would be a waste if she ate the entire thing by herself." Shimako then proceeded to explain that she took the candy, unwrapped it and broke it in half, giving a piece to the little girl and eating the other half, "It was green tea mochi… It tasted exactly the same as the one we just had… Father used to buy them for me when I was younger and always told me to share them with my friends, because it was happiness in green ball form."
"So you think the mochi was a sign."
"The little girl with Maria-sama's mochi, yes."
"…"
Then Shimako reached around Noriko, grabbing the water bottle and taking a drink, "Green tea mochi brought me to you."
###
The girls walked shoulder-to-shoulder on the sidewalk, headed to a bar, "So Because of Sei-sama, Youko-sama convinced Sachan to ask you to become her petite soeur knowing you'd decline?" Noriko asked.
"Onee-sama just needed a little push, that's all," Shimako defended her Grand Soeur.
"Little push, huh?" Noriko chuckled.
It was easy for Shimako to protect Sei because the girl knew very well the reasons behind Sei's lackadaisical behavior. Though Shimako's simplistic explanation had left Noriko an ocean away from the truth, so she continued, "We were both in the dark when I accepted Sei's rosary," Shimako moved her gaze from Noriko to the street, the cars coming and going as the lights flashed green, yellow, red "In many ways, we were in the dark; not only because we knew little about each other, but because our demons were comfortable with the lights off." It was hard to admit that while they were still lost in their labyrinth, it was comforting to have found Sei to be lost with. And though Sei held her hand tightly at first, Shimako was the one who never let go. "And because of that, this rosary…" Shimako lifted her right hand up, the small beads peaking from the long sleeve of her jacket, "…means the world to me."
"I see…" Noriko said softly, still admiring the brightness of the beads.
The two girls stood side by side at a sidewalk waiting for traffic to stop so they could cross the road, when Shimako broke the silence again, "Noriko…" she spoke the name softly, annunciating each syllable with the utmost care, and fighting with her heart which beat in her throat at that second.
At the silent eyebrow raise Noriko gave her in response, Shimako proceeded while they crossed the road, " You're… light," the simple words left Shimako's lips in a shy whisper, but the strong resolve was never lost, nor was it contested by Noriko.
Then Shimako took a couple steps in front of Noriko, turning around she stopped, forcing the brunette to halt her steps to avoid a crash.
"…"
"Riko..." Shimako started, "If we were Lillian students, history would have repeated itself. I would have offered you this rosary in a heartbeat – no questions asked. Much like Sei trusted me without knowing anything about my background, I'd trust you. Then with time you'd see I had the most wonderful friends anyone could have asked for, and though incredibly intelligent and nice, they were also remarkably overprotective, but that's because they love unconditionally. Then you would learn that I had grown up in Tokyo, that I had attended Lillian since kindergarten; that weirdly enough I am an accredited master of Japanese dance… That… I had never fallen in love with anyone before you came around."
"…"
"And you might ask me why I am saying all of these things after we've already kissed, and we've..." Shimako trailed off, her cheeks flushing as she thought of the nights she spent at Sumireko's and the Nijous', when Noriko's smooth legs grazed hers ever so gently before their kiss deepened, and their bodies pressed against one another's, and their fingers fumbled with shirts, and pants, and panties, and bras… "Since we didn't meet in high school, I've missed the opportunity to make you my petite soeur then, though, right now there's nothing keeping me from offering you my rosary… as a way to tell you I can't stop thinking about you, that every time I see something funny I want to share it with you, that I catch myself daydreaming of your smile. And that even though I don't know many things about you, I want to. With all of my heart, I want to know everything about you."
"…"
Shimako unhooked the rosary from around her wrist, holding it open in front of Noriko, "This is my heart, and it belongs to you."