A/N: I own Eilis, JKR owns the rest.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
"C-can I help you?" She asked nervously.
The man looked up and Eilis's eyes widened, her hand slipping off the doorknob, pushing the door open further.
Eilis stared.
"Patrick?" She whispered.
Her brother was sitting in front of her. Her brother. The one she'd accepted as dead. But here he was, alive, and looking remarkably well-kept for someone who had been missing and presumed dead for five months.
For a second they just stared at each other, but then Patrick scrambled to his feet and crossed the distance between them, reaching out a hand to touch her face. His eyes roved over her features, drinking in the sight of her. Eilis drew back instinctively, completely caught off-guard. No, it couldn't be him. This had to be someone's idea of a sick joke. But who would be so cruel?
"It isn't—it couldn't be—" She breathed, taking another step back. "Stop—" She scrambled to think of something, "—what form does your Patronus take?"
"An eagle. Hello, Eilis." Patrick smiled wanly.
Eilis flung herself forward into her brother's arms, holding on to him as tightly as she could. He smelled like Patrick had always smelled. She burst into tears.
After a few minutes Eilis got herself under control and drew back, looking up at her brother. "H-how—what—where—?" She hiccupped. "Merlin, Patrick, where have you been?"
Patrick grimaced. "There's so much, it's hard to explain—I barely know, myself. Can I—er—come in?"
"Oh!" Eilis exclaimed, stepping back and leading Patrick as he walked into their home, limping slightly. "Of course, I'm sorry, it's just—oh, dear Lord, I can't believe this, I can't believe you're here," she chattered nervously, heading into the kitchen and putting on the kettle. "We thought—I thought—Patrick, I thought you were dead!" At this she rounded on her brother. "Where were you? How could you make me worry like that? I needed you, Patrick, and you weren't here." She glared at him, the initial shock and gratitude giving way to anger.
Patrick shook his head. "It's a confusing tale, Eilis, and I hardly understand parts of it myself. The—well, the long and the short of it is that I've spent the better part of four months living in a tiny muggle village in Yorkshire."
"Just biding your time, were you?" She asked in a biting tone.
Patrick turned slightly red. "No…I—er, well, I…forgotIwasawizard."
"Sorry?" Eilis asked skeptically.
Patrick sighed. "I dunno, Eil! I was Obliviated and I—forgot that I could do magic," he said, embarrassed.
Eilis raised her eyebrows. "You forgot you were a wizard?"
"Yes." He looked sheepish.
"Seriously, Patrick? Here I am, worrying myself sick because you've disappeared without a clue from whatever Auror mission-thing—" Eilis stopped short. "Patrick! We've got to go to the Ministry! You have to tell Moody and Fearghus O'Donnell that you're alive, that you're alright!"
Patrick's eyes widened. "Aw, Merlin, Eil, you're right. Come with me?" He looked around the otherwise empty kitchen. "Where're Mum and Dad?" He asked, peering around expectantly.
Eilis blanched. He didn't know. Oh sweet Jesus, she had to tell him. She gulped.
"Eilis? Where are they?" Patrick asked again.
"I—" How did she tell him something like this? What words did she put together, and how, in order for it to hurt as little as possible? There was no guideline to follow, no how-to on delivering the news that your family was gone.
"Eilis?" Patrick looked at her impatiently.
"They're dead," she said softly.
Patrick's brows rose, shock in his eyes. "Sorry?" He said in disbelief.
"They're dead, Patrick," Eilis repeated, rubbing her eyes.
He shook his head. "What? That can't be—they can't be—come on, Eil, where are they really? Don't lie to me!" His voice was harsh.
She sighed miserably. "I'm not lying, Patrick. I wish I was, but I'm not. Mum and Dad are dead. They were killed by Death Eaters a month and a half ago."
Patrick was still shaking his head, horrified. He sat heavily down in a chair at their kitchen table. "I don't believe it," he said, his voice hollow.
Eilis sat next to him and gripped his hand. "I know."
"Why?" He asked urgently. "Why?"
Eilis swallowed. "Because of me."
"What?"
She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment and opened them again, trying to find her voice. "A…lot has happened, Patrick, since you went missing. Last November I was cornered by three Slytherins, Bellatrix Black and the Lestrange brothers—" She paused and looked at her brother, who nodded that he knew who she was talking about.
"They told me that You-Know-Who wanted me to do something for him—brew this really foul, evil potion…I don't know, it needs to be made by a pureblood, and I guess all his Death Eaters are too dim to brew it…anyway they said that You-Know-Who was holding you captive and would hurt you, or—kill you, if I didn't do what he said. I…said no." She bit her lip and looked at Patrick, whose expression was a mystery.
"Don't get me wrong, Patrick, if I thought for a second I could've helped you—but—I reasoned that you wouldn't have wanted me to give him such a powerful tool. I—I did what I thought you would have done." Patrick nodded, and she continued.
"They didn't like that. Bella Black cast the Cruciatus Curse on me, and then they left me alone for awhile. Then in January during a Quidditch match they Imperiused one of the Beaters on my team to attack me with his bat—"
Patrick was turning white as she spoke on, "and I was hurt pretty bad but I'm fine now, anyway I finally told Dumbledore what was going on, only he wasn't sure what exactly to do about it because with You-Know-Who and how powerful the Blacks and the Lestranges are it was a pretty delicate situation. But he warned them and made sure I was safer at Hogwarts and everything. We never expected…."
Eilis swallowed, trying to get rid of the lump that had formed in her throat. "Then at the end of January Bella started acting really smug about something, and…then I found out that Mum and Dad had been killed by Death Eaters. And it's all because of me. And oh, Patrick, I'm so, so sorry and I understand if you don't want to ever see me or speak to me again," she whispered, concentrating on the grain in the wooden tabletop, feeling too cowardly to meet her brother's eyes.
Patrick was silent, breathing heavily for what seemed like an eternity. She hazarded a glance at him and couldn't read his expression.
Finally he stood and Eilis opened her mouth to ask him what he was doing but he just came over beside her chair and yanked her arm, forcing her to stand up, and crushed her in a bear hug. "I thought you were supposed to be the smart one, Eil," he said. "You wouldn't expect me to disown the only one I've got left, would you? You didn't do anything wrong. I hope you haven't been blaming yourself, because Voldemort's people—they go to any lengths to get what they want. They take, and they take, and they take, and they don't care who gets hurt and whose lives they ruin." He released her and patted her lightly on the head, sighing wearily. "Come on, we've got to head into the Ministry."
He had an odd, tight expression as Eilis took the kettle off the heat since they were leaving the house, and was silent as the two of them each took a pinch of Floo powder and Flood to the Ministry of Magic.
Their meeting with Fearghus O'Donnell went more smoothly than Eilis had expected. The tall, commanding Head Auror and Alastor Moody took Patrick into a room as soon as they arrived—probably to determine that it was actually him, Eilis figured—and then reconvened a half hour later in Fearghus's office where Eilis sat waiting.
She listened while Patrick told his story—as much of it as he could remember. The beginning of his tale rang true with what Edgar Bones had recounted several months earlier. Upon his separation from Edgar Bones and Zadie Lyons, Patrick had been dueling with a Death Eater, badly hurt in the leg by some king of severing curse. He was outdueled and the Death Eater began torturing him for information, which he did not give, though he was nearly unconscious.
"I can't remember anything past that point—"
"Then how do you know you didn't give him any information?" Moody growled.
"I just know," Patrick said, looking squarely at Moody. "Anyway I was only in training, it's not as if I had any valuable information in the first place—"
"That doesn't make it alright that you let him break you!"
"I told you, I didn't tell him anything," Patrick said hotly. He turned to Fearghus and continued his story. "After that, the first thing I remember is waking up in strange bed in a strange house in Pickering. A muggle couple, John and Willa, had found me while walking through the North York Moors, and they brought me home with them and nursed me back to health. Muggle healing is a lot less efficient than ours," he said regretfully, frowning down at his right leg, "but they did a pretty good job. And I'd lost my memory, see, so I couldn't even tell them who I was or how I'd gotten there—but they let me stay as long as I needed and after a few weeks I began working in their tavern to pay for my board.
"And that's what I was doing until a few days ago, when a friend from school living in Upper Flagley came through town and stopped in for a pint and asked me what in Merlin's name I was doing there. And after he spoke to me for awhile, it all began to come back, and I said goodbye to John and Willa and came home straightaway."
He finished and the room was silent for a moment until Fearghus spoke.
"Thank you, Cartwright," said the dark-haired man. "I'm sure I speak for all of us here when I say how glad I am that you are returned to us, and in one piece. I know you must be anxious to spend time with your sister and reunite with your relatives, but I must insist that you spend a few nights here so that we might conduct some tests and try to determine what else, if anything, was done to you."
Patrick's face fell, and Eilis opened her mouth to protest. "Please, Sir," she said, "He's only just come back, and—and there's so much to catch up on, and I'm on Easter holiday until Sunday, couldn't he just stay home with me until I go back to school?"
Fearghus frowned, looking at the two siblings.
"Please, Fearghus." Patrick said. "We've just lost our parents. I need to be home right now."
"Very well," the powerful man conceded. "But you must report here immediately upon your sister's return to Hogwarts. I daresay you will be anxious to return to your work?"
"Very much so," Patrick replied.
Fearghus O'Donnell nodded at the two of them, and saw them out of his office. Eilis couldn't help but feel relieved after the meeting with the intimidating man, and was thankful once she and Patrick reached the Atrium of the Ministry. However, that thankful feeling disappeared when a voice called out to her.
"Eilis? Is that you, dear?" Eilis swiveled around to see Remus's mother standing behind her.
"Mrs. Lupin! How are you? This is my brother, Patrick," she said, introducing them. Patrick stepped forward to shake Mrs. Lupin's hand.
"Oh, it's nice to meet you. I'm just fine, thank you, dear, in a bit of a rush though—I'm here clearing something up…we had a bit of a mishap involving a muggle and a bottle of Skele-Gro. But I'm sure you heard all about it from Remus." Mrs. Lupin smiled kindly at her.
"Oh—no, actually, Remus hasn't said anything to me," Eilis replied, biting her lip. "But I'll look forward to hearing about it when we're back at Hogwarts."
"Well, you can hear it before then, can't you? At James's party?" Mrs. Lupin was looking at her expectantly, so Eilis put on a smile and nodded.
"Of course. We really must be going too—but it was lovely to see you, Mrs. Lupin, please tell Remus I said hello."
Remus's mother agreed and bid them goodbye, bustling off towards the lifts. Eilis tried to ignore the sinking feeling in her stomach. James's party—of course. Thursday was James's birthday—March 27th. The Potters must be hosting a party for him. She tried not to feel bitterly disappointed at not having been invited—it was her own fault, anyway—but couldn't help it.
"Alright, Eil?" Patrick was standing in front of her, one eyebrow raised.
"Yes—it's nothing. Let's go home."
Eilis wasn't sure if it was her relief at Patrick's safety, or just her gratitude at finally having someone to speak with (a stark difference from things at school of late) that made the next few days so good. Yes, it was hard for the two of them (especially Patrick, for whom the pain was so raw) to grow accostemed to their parents' absence, but being together made it bearable.
As soon as they returned from the Ministry, Eilis sent off her owl Francisco to Perenelle to inform her of Patrick's return, and she and Persephone arrived that night. By midweek they had owled all of their relatives in Enniskillen, and for the rest of the holidays their home was cheerfully filled with the various family members Eilis had last seen only a month and a half earlier, at the funeral.
The one exception to the warmth Eilis felt surrounding her was on Thursday night, when she sat in front of the fire in the sitting room imagining what must be happening at James's party. She'd sent Francisco off with a note earlier in the afternoon, wishing James a happy birthday. It was a small gesture, but she hoped he'd appreciate it, considering how the two had not been on particularly good terms for the last month.
At dinner on Easter Sunday, the topic turned what would happen next for the Cartwright siblings.
"Eil'll be going back to Hogwarts tomorrow," Patrick was telling their Aunt Aisling.
"Well, we haven't decided anything yet," Eilis cut in.
"Sorry?" Patrick looked at her in confusion.
"I just thought—since you only just came home—maybe I should stay here. With you. For awhile, at least." EIlis tried to make the suggestion sound reasonable, but Patrick was frowning.
"Nonsense," her Grandad said from his place at the head of the table, interrupting. "Eilis, you are going back to school tomorrow morning. Patrick is more than capable of living here on his own, and I won't allow you to compromise your education."
"But—" Eilis tried to speak again, but Patrick talked over her.
"Grandad's right, Eil. You've got to go back. I won't have time to watch out for you, I'll be in and out of the Ministry nonstop for the next few weeks trying to fix things. You're going back to Hogwarts. All of your friends are there, you'll only be bored out of your mind sitting here while I'm at the Auror office. Don't you want things to finally be a bit normal?"
Eilis opened her mouth to argue, but her Nan gave her a stern look. "Fine," she said. "Fine. I'll go." How could she tell them that Hogwarts was the last place she could bear to be right now, that staying at home with Patrick—even if he was incredibly busy—was preferable to having to face her friends? Could she even still call them that?
"Honestly, Eilis, I don't see why you would want to stick around here with this wanker," Conor said, shoving Patrick's shoulder.
"Conor! Language!" Aisling reprimanded her son.
"Sorry, Mum," said Conor, grinning.
"What I think Conor meant to say, Aunt Ash, was he's looking forward to clearing up after dinner so the rest of us can spend some quality family time together," Patrick said cheekily, fielding a slap from Conor aimed for his head.
The rest of the dinner passed pleasantly enough, even though Eilis was not happy with her family making life decisions for her. But she recognized that they were only looking out for her, and that it was her last night with Patrick and the rest of them, so she quickly swallowed her resentment.
Breakfast the next morning was a flurry of hugs and goodbyes, as Eilis and Patrick left for King's Cross, and the rest of the family lined up by the fireplace to Floo to their respective homes. The trip to the train station went quickly, and all too soon they crossed through the barrier and were standing on the crowded platform.
"Well," Patrick said.
"Mmmm," said Eilis.
"Back to school."
"Unfortunately."
"Aw, come on, Eil, aren't you glad to be back with your friends? Look—there's Lily over there—Oi! Lily Evans!" Eilis cringed but looked where Patrick was pointing, to where Lily was standing, her arm linked with James. Her head turned and she caught sight of Patrick and Eilis. Her eyes grew round and she whispered something to James, squeezing his hand before coming over.
"Patrick, hello!" She was looking at Patrick as if he were a ghost. Eilis felt a little guilty at that, supposing she probably should have owled Lily when she'd found out Patrick was alive. Lily had been so comforting all those months he was missing, never making Eilis speak too much about it but always making sure she knew that Lily was there.
"It's—I—oh, you don't know how good it is to see you!" She gave Patrick such a fierce hug that he stumbled back a step in order to keep from being bowled over.
"Thanks, Lils," Patrick said, grinning. "It's good to see you too." Lily then turned to Eilis and couldn't help but keep beaming at the knowledge that Patrick was alive and right there. She reached her arm out before checking herself, her smile faltering slightly.
"Hey, Eilis," she said, trying to keep the tone light. "How were your holidays?"
"They were—ah—illuminating. Yours?"
"Good, it was so nice to spend some time with my parents…" Lily stopped speaking and her eyes grew round as Eilis bit her lip and Patrick looked away, clenching his jaw. Lily blushed furiously. "Oh no—I'm sorry—I didn't meant to—"
"It's fine, Lily," Eilis said, trying to force a smile. "Really. No worries."
"I—alright," Lily said, her face still a brilliant scarlet color to match her hair as she grasped for a new topic. "Ehm—" She looked around and spotted the others and looked a bit relieved. "Look, I've got to go find Marlene and her family, I've got to return a book to her dad. I'll see you on the train, Eilis. And Patrick—" She smiled up at the elder Cartwright once more. "I'm so glad you're safe. Truly." Patrick nodded, wearing a strange expression, and Lily smiled once more at the pair of them and dashed back to find James.
"Need to find anymore of your friends, then?" Patrick asked Eilis.
"Oh—no," she said quickly. "I'll find them on the train."
Patrick turned to his little sister, looking at her thoughtfully, like he was sizing her up. "Look, Eil…is everything alright with you and your mates? Am I just imagining that things were damn odd with you and Lily just now? She spoke to you like you were barely friends."
"It's nothing," Eilis said. "Don't worry about it, we'll work it out." Or not.
"Alright," Patrick said, unconvinced, and they heard the train whistle. "Look, Eil, I know things have been hard but just try and have a good time at school, okay? Don't worry about me, Moody's got me doing deskwork until summer, at least." A look of annoyance crossed his features, though Eilis couldn't help but feel intense relief at that small fact.
"I'm going to miss you," she said, throwing her arms around her older brother—her only immediate family left. "Be careful."
"You, too, Eil. I love you, little sis. Knock 'em dead."
"I'll try," Eilis mumbled, stepping away as the train whistle sounded again. The platform was thinning—she could see Mary and Marlene boarding the Hogwarts Express to her left, and Sturgis Podmore with some of his Hufflepuff friends further down the platform. And to her right—a boy with dark hair and grey eyes looking on curiously as she embraced her brother. Sirius turned away when she caught him staring, and Eilis was left with nothing to do but say a final goodbye to Patrick and hurry off to board the train, sitting in the corner of a compartment of fourth-year Ravenclaws.
Having become very adept at dodging the people she did not want to bump into and remain virtually unnoticed by her classmates, Eilis successfully avoided encountering any of her former crowd once the train reached Hogwarts. She skived off the feast in the Great Hall and instead made a trip alone to the kitchens, anxious to sit and eat alone in a corner, surrounded by the hustle and bustle of the house elves. So she was surprised and disappointed to find her spot in the corner already occupied—by Sirius Black. He nodded his head towards the stool beside the one he was already sitting on, and Eilis, seeing no alternative, sat. Sirius handed her a tray of pasties and she took one, biting into it nervously to avoid having to speak.
"I knew you'd be here," Sirius said.
Eilis swallowed her bite of pasty. "Did you?"
"I know you better than you want me to, Eilis," he said, looking into her eyes.
"I suppose that's a fair assessment," she replied, and the ghost of a grin danced across Sirius's face.
"We need to talk," he said seriously.
"That phrase always seems to precede the worst conversations," Eilis commented.
Sirius shrugged. "Well, it's true. And you know it perfectly well."
Eilis didn't say anything, instead taking another bite of her pasty, so Sirius sighed and spoke again. "Was that you brother? On the platform?"
"Yes," Eilis said, nodding. "It was Patrick. He came home in the middle of last week. I'm just—I'm so happy he's alive," she said, letting out a deep breath and breaking into a smile—the first true smile Sirius had seen on her since February. "I thought—" she shook her head. "It doesn't matter. He's fine."
"I'm happy for you," Sirius said, gazing at her. "Really." There was a pause where neither of them spoke. "So—does this mean you'll come back to us?"
Eilis sighed wearily. "I don't know," she said. "I don't—I don't know what to do anymore, about anything. Everything is so messed up and I just…I'm just too tired to fix it." She looked up at Sirius. "I'm sorry, that wasn't an answer. But I honestly just don't have a very firm grasp on my life right now, Sirius."
"Not to be a prat, or anything, but…I mean, we've all noticed that fact, Eil. It's sort of been the case for awhile." He offered her a sympathetic look and Eilis just shrugged. "If you'd just let me—" Sirius spoke again but broke off frustradedly. He ran a hand through his hair. "You know, something in the eulogy you gave at your parents' funeral really stuck out to me, Eilis."
"Oh?" Eilis was surprised by the change of topic. "What?"
Sirius smiled slightly. "Something about how being content is one thing, but only a real fool passing up the chance to be wildly happy." He was gazing at her again in that way that completely unhinged her.
But his words struck her like a lightning bolt. How was it that she hadn't even realized the truth of them until they'd been turned around on her? For hadn't that been what was happening all along? She'd been such a fool all year, denying herself the option of seeing how things went with Sirius because she had been afraid to leave the relative safety of Caradoc. And that had certainly backfired on her.
"I—" She tried to speak and stopped, shaking her head, trying to sort out what she wanted to say. She looked at him sheepishly. "I owe you an enormous apology, Sirius. Because you're absolutely right." She let out a bitter laugh. "That's the saddest part of it all, isn't it? I know that you're right, that what you're saying makes perfect sense to me right now, but later I'm going to think about it more and decide not to listen to you, because I'm too thick and too scared and too fucked up to do anything right, these days."
"So just…don't," Sirius pleaded. "Don't rethink it. Please, Eilis. Everyone misses you so much. I miss you. Can't we just…start over?"
Eilis bit her lip and tried to keep from crying, shaking her head slightly. "I'm only going to ruin everything. I'm only going to get you all hurt."
"But that's a risk we're willing to take, Eilis! Please, you can't do everything yourself." His wide, deep grey eyes were locked on hers, beseeching her.
Eilis set her mouth stubbornly. "No. Please, Sirius, stop asking and just forget about me, alright? You're only making it more difficult."
"Argh!" Sirius stood up angrily and kicked over the stool he had been sitting on, alarming the house elves around them, who scurried to put everything to sorts again. "You think it's that easy to just forget someone?" He glared at Eilis. "Sweet Merlin, why won't you just see reason? You're the most obstinate girl I've ever met! Just—argh! I can't do this anymore!" And with that he turned around and stormed out of the kitchens, leaving Eilis there to ruminate over what a brainless idiot she was and why she couldn't just make things easy for herself. It might have been alright if she had more reasons, so that she felt justified in her refusal to break out from the isolation she'd forced herself into. But she wasn't so sure anymore about anything, much less the wisdom behind her choices, and so she was left to sit, full of doubt and self-loathing.
A/N: Edited 2/3/11.