Disclaimer: All the characters you recognize from the Stephanie Plum books belong to Janet Evanovich. The Inferna Angelus' on the other hand are solely mine as is the tiny terror tiger that rules them.
Chapter 26 – Going Hunting
After the meeting, the IAs retreated to their apartments to catch some much needed sleep. Tonight they would go after T's assassin.
When T woke up, it was dark in the bedroom and Agony and Rev were gone. She hadn't slept well; nightmares had come and gone. Squinting toward the bedside table, the alarm clock showed ten p.m. on the dot. The apartment was empty as were Furor's and Rage's. Tired, she rolled over onto her side, pulled her knees up and snuggled deeper under the covers. Her head hurt and she felt slightly nauseated.
"Ranger, your motives are honorable but T won't allow it," she heard Furor's calm voice two floors down. Her Team plus Ranger, Tank and Lester were assembled in one of the briefing rooms on five.
"To use her words, 'I don't give a flying fuck' whether she allows it or not; we will accompany you. Period."
T smiled at his reference to her. She had to admit; sometimes pulling the tiger's tail was just pure entertainment. He was just so fucking controlling that every single cell in her body bristled in defiance. T wondered whether asserting his dominance ever became exhausting.
"Ranger, man, don't do that. That will just end in a fight." Furor was desperate.
"Listen Ranger," Rage tried to mediate. "The reason she doesn't want anyone of you with us is that so far you aren't used to our way of working; namely our way of communicating. Instead of fully concentrating on getting her man, part of her mind would keep an eye on you making sure you are ok. We can't risk that."
"No, you listen Rage." Ranger's voice was quiet and menacing. "I'm still not sure it was a good idea to spill the beans about Rodríguez; but she made the decision and now we'll take the fallout how it comes. Rodríguez is my friend and she is the glue that kept him together. As long as he isn't able to take care of her himself, I will take care of her. Whether she likes it or not, she has become my responsibility. It's a question of honor. The rest of the guys want to go with her out of friendship and a deep felt respect. We don't let our own go into dangerous situations without sufficient backup and you four aren't sufficient."
Rev rolled his eyes. "She has become your responsibility, huh? That will go over really well with her, I tell ya. She's gonna pull that fucking stick outta ya ass and beat ya to a bloody pulp with it. That's what she will do."
T stretched under the warm cover and sighed. It's OK, guys. He's not going to back down on this. I guess they have strong feelings about coming with us, we may as well let them. Briefing on four in an hour, she pushed downstairs to her team.
When T stepped out of the stairwell an hour later, her team plus Ranger, Tank, Lester, Ram, Vince, Scar and Sad were waiting for her.
Jeez, guys, why didn't you invite the whole mission team? she shook her head. The Rangemen twitched at her voice in their heads, only Sad managed to flash her an award winning grin.
"I heard you listened in earlier so you know why we are here," Ranger answered dryly.
All I know is that you are an overbearing pain in the ass, Ranger. Does the domineering macho bullshit act ever get old for you? T countered with a dangerous flashing in her eyes.
Ranger looked at her with his blank face. At your service, BOSS. Before he could help himself his lips quirked up in an almost smile; she was cute when she was angry.
"OK gentlemen, this is the game plan." They had relocated to the briefing room on four and Terror stood in front of a map of Trenton that Ranger had projected onto the wall. "When he shot, he was on the roof of this building here." T showed the exact point 350 yards over from their location. "I can scan him clearly up to this point." She pointed at Stark Street. "We will start from there and let you know when we are in our target zone."
"How come you can't locate him from here? Stark St. isn't that far away. Is it because of the mass of people in a city? Though that doesn't make sense if you could listen in to DuPuits two miles away within DC," Sad asked out of curiosity rather than provocation.
"No, it's because I'm bushed from the events of the past few days plus Ice's interrogation earlier. My mind's performance and my well-being directly correlate. I'm not firing on all cylinders at the moment and it will take a few days to get me back there."
"Even more reason to have us with you." Ranger's face was stern.
"Beautiful, what's Ice's interrogation have to do with it?"
"Remember what I said, Les. I can push not just thoughts but also memories." T looked at him pointedly.
Lester shook his head. He along with the other men weren't following the message T was trying to communicate.
"Memories – don't you understand?" Furor looked at the assembled Rangemen. "She remembers Each. And. Every. Detail. and pushes it into the target's mind," He accentuated his words point across to the men.
Slowly you could see comprehension dawn in the men's eyes.
"You mean you underwent the torture again in your mind and then pushed that into Ice's head?" Lester asked quietly with a look of infinite concern.
T nodded.
"To which extend?" He could barely voice the question. This whole mind-reading thing was freaking him out.
T smiled; but it was a sad smile and her eyes were troubled. "I need to feel exactly how and what I want to push."
They had all seen Ice screaming and twisting on the floor. The idea of the pain T must have been in while questioning Ice formed a lump in Lester's throat. "But you didn't show anything," he could barely whisper his response, afraid his voice would crack.
Terror shrugged and averted her eyes. She couldn't stand to look at the concern on Lester's face. It made her uncomfortable yet at the same time loved and she wasn't sure how to deal with that right now. "I'd like to get ready so we can leave," she signed after a moment and stood.
Fifteen minutes later the Rangemen were fully decked out with Kevlar vests, their standard weapons, assault rifles, throat mics and night goggles. Every mission team member had gathered on the fourth floor to show their support. T had braided her hair in one big pigtail and was in all black; black cargoes, black long-sleeved shirt, black bandana. She had her all black Kevlar vest strapped on tight. Her hip belt held her customized Glocks and extra magazines. On her left thigh was another holster that held two daggers and three throwing stars and one more dagger was in each of her boots. She looked all S.W.A.T. and extra hot. The sight had the Rangemen surging with hormones; women and weapons were a heady mix for them. Agony and Rev brought a huge trunk and a carrying case from the armory and placed them on a nearby desk. The trunk had seven compartments. Each one was labeled with one of the IAs' names and held an assault rifle plus spare magazines and ammunition along with several other gadgets. Agony gave T her rifle which she checked and re-checked meticulously.
Ram was beside himself with joy and arousal. "Is the riffle also customized?" he asked T while he marveled at the artwork in her hands.
"Yes, every one of my weapons is customized because of my small hands and shoulders," she signed before securing the rifle's extra magazines on the left front of her Kevlar vest.
"This is so … wow!" T smiled at Ram. "Tell ya what, when we get back you can check each and every single one out if you want." The vehement nodding from several of the guys made her laugh silently. Boys and their toys. When she opened the carrying case, the surrounding men gasped. Inside was what looked like a disjointed small sniper rifle. T assembled the weapon with speed and precision in front of them. The men stood with lowered jaws and wide eyes when they realized that once assembled, instead of a muzzle she mounted a high-tech crossbow plus night scope and laser sight on the multiple rails.
"What the fuck…" T was having a field day with Ram's total wonder. Chuckling she handed it over to him and he immediately started to examine and sight the weapon.
"What ammunition do you use? Arrows? Darts? Why?" the questions came tumbling out of him. Jeez, he was such a weapons man.
"Carbon arrows or customized tranquilizer darts; depends." She signed while clipping the darts in special easy-access fasteners on the right front of her vest. "The arrows get fixed under the crossbow." She took the weapon back and showed him where the fixing for the darts was mounted. A few seconds later, three carbon darts were safely secured below the bow part of the riffle. "And why? Because it's noiseless and once you have collected the arrow or dart there's no evidence." T explained and repeated the procedure of checking and re-checking. She was finally finished and turned around to see the Rangemen openly drooling at her. T rolled her eyes and shot the men a cheeky smile.
Half an hour later they stopped in an abandoned industrial area. The street lamps were long broken spending no light on the eerie scene. The adjacent buildings looked desolate; their windows were broken and the doors were boarded up.
"OK, he's half a mile from here on the left side. It must be a building with at least three stories. He's cleaning his weapons and is very alert. We can either wait here some more for him to calm down and hopefully retreat to bed or we can move forward." T leveled with the Rangemen.
"What would you do without us here?" Ranger looked at her questioningly.
"Move forward," came the simple reply from her.
"Then that's what we do."
Alright, then I'd say 'welcome to my world, gentlemen'. You wanted to be here, now you have to deal with it, T thought. Tank, Lester and Scar winced at her voice in their heads. T sighed internally. The next few weeks would be hell. The IA had years to grow together and to perfect their communication. Now she had about three weeks to get the Rangemen into a sufficient operating-mode.
Always sticking to the shadows, they slowly made their way down the street; the night goggles giving them excellent visibility.
Down! Now! they suddenly heard T's voice. Fuck, Tank, get your ass down. You're visible.
Within seconds they crouched and pressed themselves against a three foot wall surrounding a former factory site.
What's going on? Rage asked.
He's nervous; suddenly sprang to the window and nearly saw us. He has a night scope. Tank, goddamn, what did your momma feed you? We have to shrink you. T smiled at his death glare. What? Oh, don't you look at me like that. If I want to give you a kiss, I'll need a ladder and it's not like I can keep one handy in my cargo pockets.
That made Tank grin which looked a tad scary with the goggles on his nose.
"Can we move forward, yet?" Ranger asked impatiently. Banter and work didn't mesh well with him.
No, we can't. We wait till he sits again and is immersed in his work. And Stop. Talking. THINK what you want to say or say nothing at all … I heard that, Ranger … That, too! T rolled her eyes; he was such a control freak.
Beautiful, do you hear me? Lester thought intensely.
"We can all hear you, dork," Tank grumbled.
"Fucker!"
Stop bickering and STOP TALKING OUT LOUD! Yes, Les, I heard you as can everybody else so you shouldn't say anything too lewd. T put a smile to her thought. She had to diffuse this building tension between the team before it manifested and got out of control.
Is he still standing at the window? Lester asked.
No, he's back to cleaning his weapon.
Then why are we still crouching here like monkeys? Tank's ass isn't the nicest on earth to have in your face. T had to smile. Les was hardly ever given enough credit for his intelligence. People saw him as the fun-loving playboy with an award winning smile; but there was so much more to him.
Because you aren't ready to move forward. Listen guys, I know this is hard for you. Even with the best preparation it will take your minds some time to wrap themselves around the concept of reading and pushing thoughts. That's nothing that happens overnight and nothing you can influence. Right now, I feel the stress level of each one of you and I'm trying to diffuse some of this stress before we advance any further. It makes no sense to overwhelm you and have your minds shut down 'cause that's what will happen if I push you too much.
Thanks, I have to admit this is disturbing, came from Ram. He was strained but he dealt a bit better with it than Lester.
The only one half-way relaxed was Sad. What's the advantage? I mean besides being one amazing, freaking hot, once-in-a-lifetime operative? he thought grinning.
Depends on the point of view, T answered.
My view of course; is there another? Sad verified.
I'm one hell of a poker player, T grinned.
That made Agony and Rev snort in unison.
She's one hell of whatever player. I mean, puhlease, she knows what you think at any given time. She knows every move you have in mind. Never play against her, always have her on your team; just a recommendation based on personal experience … OUCH! You are not allowed to hit me as my boss. That's harassment.
Harassment my ass. Wait till we are home and I show you what harassment is, T scowled at him and stuck her tongue out. OK, enough fun. Let's move again. T pushed and they continued their way down the street.
When they were at the entrance to the building's parking lot, T divided the team. Ranger, Tank, Les and Ram were to secure the delivery bays. Vince, Scar and Sad were to take the side entrance and T, Furor, Rage, Agony and Rev would take the front entrance.
He's on the third floor, the room at the left corner, sitting at a table, facing the second window from the left that looks out at this parking lot. The door is right behind his back. Around the corner there's another window. That means he'll be able to see you at the delivery bays. Keep yourselves close to the wall and be prepared for my 'down' command, she looked at Ranger who nodded. Vince, be cautious at the side entrance. I'm sure there'll be an alarm device. He's way too nervous to go without having one on each possible entrance. That applies for you, too, Ranger. Both men nodded. Remember to think whatever you want to say. I've connected us and everyone will hear you. All clear? Good, he's still at the table and very jumpy; listening for any sounds. On my count: three, two, one, move.
Crouching, they quickly made their way to their positions.
There's a simple alarm system with a contact breaker. No problem, they heard Vince.
Same here, Rage answered.
Heavy locks at the bays – nothing else, came from Ranger.
We go in. Check the rooms for explosive devices or other surprises as you go. See you upstairs in a few, T thought and nodded to Agony to bypass the alarm.
Five minutes later her assassin was overpowered and secured. He was in his late thirties. An average build, average looking man with average eye color. Nothing drew attention to him; he was perfectly fitted for vanishing in the crowd without anybody noticing him.
I will disengage your minds now. No need for you to be part of what comes next. T pushed to her team. The beast in her was prowling in its cage; stalking along the bars. It was waiting; waiting for when she would finally let it loose. Agony, be my voice.
"Who are you working for?"
The man showed no reaction until the first wave of pain hit him. For three minutes the building was filled with his screams before T stopped and let him lay motionless on the linoleum floor. Forcing her locked muscles to relax, she eyed him speculatively.
"Who are you working for?"
Again there was no reaction; not even an acknowledgment that he had heard her. T closed her eyes. She had wished he would just break; but of course he had other plans. Stupid, dumb fucker. Digging deep to find the strength to go on, she let her next memory free. Like water in a tank she felt it flooding her mind. Suddenly she was there again, in the room they called sala de jogos, the playroom. She was chained to a rack and seu Mestre, her master, let the hand that was holding the knife slowly caress her body – her breasts, her stomach, her sex. The man's body on the floor started to twitch in unison with his yells as he felt a knife carve two parallel lines into his stomach; close together. Frantically, he ripped his shirt up to see the damage; but there was nothing to be seen. His eyes widened in horror. His pupils were enlarged to their maximum and he looked at T with terror right before an ear-splitting scream left his throat. His arms tightly pressed against his stomach as he fell backwards to the floor. The knife that had just carved the two lines was now slowly cutting the top dermal layer off him; leaving a strip of raw flesh behind. Before he could stop it, he threw up. Gasping and choking he laid on his side and pulled his knees up in a useless attempt to protect himself. T felt the beast roar and rattle at its confines but she kept it locked away.
"Who are you working for?"
"I don't know any names," he chocked. "Everything was arranged via telephone. What the fuck are you doing to me?"
"Liar."
A short but cruel pain from a dagger pushed into his back and lung pierced his mind. Once fully inserted, it was turned around and pulled out again, producing a blinding pain and the feeling of suffocating as the lung collapsed.
T hadn't realized that she had started to prowl around her victim on the floor. She was unaware of anything happening around her; knowing she could trust Agony and Rev to keep her safe. Her mind was locked with the mind belonging to the man who tried to kill her. His end was long determined; for T it was either her or him. On his way to hell though, she wanted to get as many information as possible out of him.
The man laid on the linoleum and gasped for air.
"Who are you working for?"
"I told you, I have no name."
T stopped walking, locked her muscles in place and gave free reign to the cruelty in her mind. When the screams stopped, she started to move again. Her system fought against the assault. Her sight was foggy, getting black at the edges; her nausea was on a peak; her head felt like it was ripping open and her legs were jell-o; but she didn't let anyone see that.
"Please, stop," the man sobbed. He was breaking, finally. "His name is DuPuits. He doesn't know that I know him. He belongs to a secret grouping who kills on governmental mandate. They have contracted me several times in the past."
"Do you know the names of the others in that grouping?"
"No, I know about DuPuits and then there must be someone in the DEA and perhaps CIA 'cause the information I got in the past could only come from an internal source. DuPuits fears his boss. That man must be insane and the mastermind behind it all. Please, don't hurt me anymore."
"What are the contract's conditions?"
"Two million now, two after the job is finished. DuPuits told me you have a branding of angel wings with devil horns and a pitchfork on your right shoulder. It is to be cut out and sent via overnight express to a P.O. Box on Cayman Island together with a picture of the shoulder with your face visible."
"Address?"
"In the manila envelope in my suitcase." Ranger went over to the suitcase.
STOP! T pushed to everybody making Ranger halt mid-step. It's a trap. There's an explosive.
"You little scumbag. Did you really think we would fall for that?"
She pushed the feeling of cigars being put out on her neck into his mind. The unknown assassin grabbed himself and screeched in pain.
"The address. NOW!"
After Ram had written down the address and T knew this time it was the truth, she leveled an ice-cold glare at the man on the floor. He was sweating profusely, the stress pheromones coursing through his body had his pupils still dilated to their max, his breathing was fast and shallow. Lazily she walked over and crouched down in front of him. With eyes that were void of any emotion she signed,
"I'll make you an offer now. If you accept, you'll live another day. If you don't accept or try to fuck with me, you'll die. It's your choice. Three millions for you and you forget about your assignment. You will go back to whatever hole you came from and I will never see you again. What is it?"
"The offer. Thank you." The man let his shoulder sag and looked down on the floor in relief.
He's lying, she pushed to the others. Without any further incentive she went behind him, grabbed his neck in a choke-hold and with a well-directed yank snapped his neck. Taking quick, deep breaths in and out successionally, T worked against her body's desire to shut down. Slowly she felt the man's bodily system crash; the organs, the heart, the brain. These last moments of a life, when the body instinctively fought against death, were so overwhelmingly strong that there was always the danger that her own system followed suit and she'd die, too. Her body could no longer distinguish between reality and fabricated sensations during this process. Through the stupor in her mind she felt Rev take her into his arms, encasing her in a very tight hug. The feeling of bodily bounds helped her to stay in the present. Then the well-known smell of ammonia flooded her brain and she felt herself getting stronger; felt the stupor lifting from her.
Are you OK now, Angel? Rev looked at her tensely; but when she nodded, she felt him relax. She turned around and was met with the blank faces of Ranger and his men. She couldn't really deal with them now. Her body and mind were too weak.
"What the fuck just happened?" Vince asked in a distressed tone.
Looking at him annoyed, T signed "I killed him because he lied. He would have taken the money and started a new attempt; ultimately cashing in DuPuit's money, too."
Vince moved until he stood right in front of her and gently cupped her face with both hands. "T, I don't give a flying fuck that he's dead. If you hadn't killed him, I would have done it. What the fuck just happened to you? Are you OK?"
T wanted to step out of his grip; but he held her steady and bore his eyes into hers; they were filled with pain and confusion.
Let me go Vince, she pleaded feeling the panic start to spread. She couldn't bear his hands on her; but Vince held tight waiting for an answer.
"Let her go, man. Now." Furor's hand landed hard on Vince shoulder and with a vice grip pulled him backwards away from T. "Ranger, control your men," he ordered with an icy authoritative voice. Furor took in the scene around him. T clung to Rev with Agony and Rage giving them cover; both in full protective mode. From experience he knew they would stay that way until T felt better; they would all stay that way until she was better. On the other side Ranger and his men stood disturbed and bewildered by what they had just witnessed. "I know you have questions," Furor finally said, "but not now, OK? There are other things more important."
After they'd disposed of the body, Lester suggested going to Shorty's for a drink to wind down.
"Sorry Les, I know it is well meant; but I want to go back to Rangeman and up to our apartment." T signed. She was snuggled into Agony's arms and looked ashen.
"Please Beautiful. You shouldn't be alone right now. You haven't said a single word since it happened. I'm worried about you. We're all worried," he motioned to his fellow comrades.
"Lester, stop it. You are just making it worse," Agony growled.
"What the fuck!" Les was right in his face. "Tonight was one of the fucking scariest of my life. If you think everything is fine, great. For me, nothing is fine. This psychic shit is creepy and scares the shit outta me. Not to mention, I'm worried about T. Aren't you?"
T felt every muscle in Agony ready itself for an attack. Stop, it's fine Agony. I need to tell them so they understand. T moved until her back leaned against his front and pulled his arms tight around her. She needed the feeling of safety that came with him and Rev. "Listen," Rev automatically started to translate. "When somebody dies, I'm with him every fucking second of his demise. Not just faintly, like someone at the side of a playing field; but right in the middle. I feel every single one of his thoughts. I feel the sheer terror, the pain, the black despair. I hear their silent prayers and pleas and I feel the moment they give up. I feel the organs shutting down one by one finally ending with the brain. I feel every single step of their death and then, when it's over, I feel nothing at all. Where seconds prior a mind was present in my perception, there's now a black hole and it feels like a part of me is gone, too. Like their death had sucked out a part of my vital force. In addition, the sensations during the person's death are so real, so overwhelming; first the fight against it, then the gradual shut-down of the bodily systems; that I have to fight to keep my own body from shutting down. Every time I'm locked with a dying mind, there's the palpable risk of me dying, too. In the face of this, I hope you can understand why I want to be alone now. Agony and Rev will be with me. They won't leave my side. I'll be fine."
The Rangemen looked pained; but let her go. Whatever expectations they had going with T and her team tonight, even in their worst dreams they couldn't have imagined what really happened and what it meant for her. Slowly they started to realize the consequences of her so-called gift.
Terror laid sandwiched between Agony and Rev in their bed; Furor and Rage were outside on the sleep sofa. After they came back, she had taken a long hot shower and then forced a few bites of pizza down so the guys would give her peace. Now they were all fast asleep in their apartment so she had no chance to get away from them. She knew they did it deliberately; that all-sleeping-in-one-apartment. They worried about her; wanted to avoid that she would sneak out on them. That was what differentiated them from other teams; they were family, each one looking out for the others, caring deeply for them. Sighing she turned and immediately was pulled back by Agony. Even in his sleep he held her close to his body but it didn't suffocate her; never had. His dreams were troubled; full of worry about her. She wished she could free him from his worry; but that was the way it was and always would be. She had scared him one time too many and now he had to pay the price by constantly worrying about her. Snuggling back into him, she closed her eyes against the tears. She'd made so many faults in her life; had disappointed him, them all, so often. They never said anything, she didn't even feel disappointment in them; but she knew it was there, it had to be there. Nevertheless they stuck by her; through all the ups and downs. Like tonight - they would have started a fight with the Rangemen, risked the mission, without hesitation, just to protect her and engulf her in their familial safety. This needed to stop. She needed to make some changes. She needed to become more independent from them. It was what they all wished for her. They had promised her again and again that it wouldn't change a thing between them. They promised she wouldn't lose them; but that didn't change anything about the terror she felt at the thought of cutting the cord from them. They were her first real family. Losing Grief had nearly ended her own life. T knew she would soon lose Pain; but the thought of also losing the rest of them evoked a paralyzing panic in her.
When she was still wide awake an hour later, she cautiously scrambled out of the bed, pulled on a pair of sweats and Rev's hoodie, grabbed her cell phone and made her way out of the apartment. How did they plan to stop me if they sleep like logs? she shook her head as she entered the stairwell. Hector, who was on monitor duty with Woody, followed her on the cams as she waved at him before making her way up to the roof. It was four o'clock in the morning when T stepped onto the roof and scanned her surroundings. Sensing that there were no assassin lurking around anywhere close, T sat down with her back against one of the chimneys and closed her eyes breathing in the fresh night air. Trenton smelled awful she decided with a wrinkled nose. Finally she fired up her smartphone and opened a new text; she knew exactly what she wanted to write.
To: Bobby
From: Esme
Date: May 17 2012, 04:13
Subject: Mark Twain and my demons
There's a quote from Mark Twain that Grief loved more than anything else. It was one of the first things he taught me in English.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.
It took me eight years to get to this point; but tonight I realized that I'm ready. The thought to change things, to risk losing what gives me safety, scares the shit outta me; but I will bravely face my demons. It's time that I stop being a victim of my past.
Wherever you are Bobby, I hope you are OK. Be safe, take care of yourself and come home when you are ready. You are deeply missed.
Esme
Healy, Alaska, 01:13 in the morning, Bobby's POV
Aurora Borealis. I laid wrapped up in my thermo sleeping bag outside in a deck chair and was watching the green magic of the northern lights. It was cold, just 36°F, but that helped me to stay sane. While my mind was racing a mile a minute, my body felt numb. The only feelings getting through the numbness were physical pain and the coldness; they made me feel somewhat alive. When I left Great Falls sixty hours ago, I felt like I was just short of going over the edge. I had felt it coming for some time now. Feeling the signs of a nervous breakdown and ignoring them; but then it was too late. Suddenly my carefully built protective walls collapsed and I needed to get away from everything – as fast and as far away as I could. I felt like I was suffocating. That was how I found myself at Newark Liberty International Airport, wondering where to go. When my eyes fell on an advertisement for the Denali National Park in Alaska, I decided that would be far enough away. I had packed my complete cache of outdoor equipment when I left Rangeman, so all I had to do was to buy a ticket. Two hours later I was in the air. It was the right decision. My lungs couldn't believe their luck when I arrived here. They got their first taste of pure air in who knows how many years. I looked back at the sky. Aurora Borealis. Magic. When was the last time I took any kind of vacation? Jeez. That must have been half a year before Rubén left for that fucking mission. The thought of him shot a piercing pain right through my chest. Don't think about him, Brown. Don't do that to yourself. For once you need to take care of yourself before you can decide what to do about him. I laid back and resumed my mindless observation of the sky when I heard the faint sound of my Blackberry announcing an incoming email. Sighing I wrangled myself out of the sleeping bag and made my way back into my room; I needed to warm up anyway.
An hour later I was still reading the email over and over again. She'd signed it: Esme. Not Terror, no, Esme. She had written this email as a friend and was sharing pieces of herself with me. She offered something from her past and that she was making a scary decision. She was making herself vulnerable. After everything I'd done, after I'd abandoned her, there was no criticism, no accusation, no pressure to come back. I couldn't stand the constant pressure anymore; but she somehow seemed to understand that. I understood this email exactly as what it was meant to be. Esme set me free. She gave me the freedom to breathe and hoped that one day I would come back.
'… Wherever you are Bobby, I hope you are OK. Be safe, take care of yourself and come home when you are ready. You are deeply missed.'
I dragged in a deep breath and blinked away the tears that threatened to escape my eyes. Home. Did I have a place I could call home?
Be safe, sweetheart. I miss you, too.