As the sky grew even darker than before, the three young guests walked out of the apartment to the street. Each sported different expressions. Under the faint streetlights the three of them stood together.
"Haaah, today was really awful." Tobe sighed, "You think Gahama-chan will be okay?"
"I don't think so." Hayato pondered, "However, I think it's best for her to sort her feelings out alone. It isn't something for any of us to decide."
Tobe snorted and then punched Hayato's chest, which made him wince. The blond soccer ace glared at his friend and teammate with ire.
"You've changed too. You're kind of annoying, you know that?" Tobe laughed, "But I'm fine with that."
"Tobe, you..."
"Sometimes it's really hard to understand what you want; this kind of Hayato-kun isn't bad at all. I love it," Tobe said confidently as he poked Hayato's chest.
Hayato sighed and pushed Tobe's hand away. Tobe laughed again in response to that, "What are you going to do, escort the President home? Or will you take the train with me?"
"I'll walk her home."
"Hayato-kun, you don't need to-" Yukino balked, but Hayato cut her off.
"If you don't get home safely I'll feel responsible too." Hayato smiled. Even though his entire body was emitting a disgustingly wicked, condescending aura, he smiled. "Especially with your sense of direction, Yukino-chan."
Yukino could not hold in her anger, her eyes grew cold as she retorted with an equally humiliating smile. "My sense of direction is more than good enough, thank you for being so considerate, Hayato-kun."
"Nevermind, you should go with him, President." Tobe waved his hand dismissively, "It's bad for girls to walk alone around this hour."
Yukino honestly wanted to argue, however, in the first place, she had already been helped by Hayato to find her way back once today. There was no point in rejecting him now, especially since Yukino was new to this neighborhood. She had yet to remember all the twist and turns of the roads. And Tobe wasn't wrong either, Yukino was so accustomed to going home on time that she felt a bit worried traveling through an unknown neighborhood alone, even with the low crime rates of Japan.
"See you tomorrow then." Tobe ran away through the cold, frozen wind.
What was that vibe? Have they always been that close? It's not like Hayato is a stranger to calling girls by their first names, but it felt a little weird over there. Tobe thought as he ran, It doesn't look like they're dating though. More like, squabbling divorced couple?
He might have to ask Hayato later. However, Tobe would be lying to say his feelings were composed. So it would be pointless trying to understand people's relationship when his own situation wasn't remotely close to ideal.
He needed alone time to think.
"...that person really has no self awareness." Yukino commented after holding it in in for the past hour or so, "He was the one making Ebina-san uncomfortable the most."
Cognitive dissonance was really terrifying concept that sometimes even Yukinoshita Yukino fell into. The human brain's capability to store two conflicting pieces of information together and use them according to that individuals feelings as well as convenience, it was frightening.
"I feel like I'm obligated to defend my friend even if you are right. But you're absolutely right." Hayato smiled bitterly, "If nothing else, there's no one among us whose feelings are more pure and honest than him."
"That's..." Yukino was trying to find a suitable word to describe that. Idiotic? No, not really. Dense? Perhaps, but that didn't fit either. So what could be used to describe Tobe's positive qualities?
"Earnestly naive?" Hayato decided to complete her statement firsthand. Much to her surprise, it wasn't praise. "Tobe lives in a very traditional and restrictive family so his idea of love is a bit... off."
"...is it really alright for you to talk about him that way?" Yukino asked incredulously. It was strange to hear Hayama Hayato of all people talk so poorly about his own friends.
"In all honesty, I wanted to support him back there in Kyoto." Hayato said, "But I couldn't because I just wanted us to hang together in peace. Even so, things have changed, the die is cast, and this cannot be left to drag on longer than necessary."
Hayama Hayato, to call him selfish would be an understatement. However, it was strange for him to show it in full, as if...
Yukino rubbed her eyes at that moment because she swore she saw a glimpse of the old Hachiman in him. The grouchy, quiet, and rude Hachiman that always spoke out loud what he thought.
No, she was wrong.
It was much, much worse.
Hikigaya Hachiman was weak; he didn't quite have the strength and influence needed to get his point across peoples' boundless sea of prejudices, so Hachiman would always strike where it was the weakest by making use of his cunning and rotten intelligence. Hayama Hayato had no such weakness or restrictions. He had all the charisma needed to make and destroy relationships at his whim. However, at the end of the day, the only thing that had held him back was fear of the unknown. Even back when they were both weak and powerless, it was fear of the unknown that held him back.
Yukino saw no fear in Hayato's eyes. Not anymore.
With a steely, cold gaze in his blue eyes, Hayama Hayato had decided that things would change from now on. And he would push aside all those who dared to stand in his way.
As Hayato stepped forward to guide her Yukino could feel the metaphorical trail of destruction he left in his wake. His anger. His frustration. His desperation. Everything was carnally displayed with how he brought and presented himself. The way he walked, the way he gazed, the way he smiled at her...
What kind of emotional monster had just awakened right in front of her?
She... was afraid to find out.
However, Yukino strengthened her resolve and followed his footsteps without stumbling.
If she couldn't stand that kind of pressure, then it would be impossible for Yukino to return to the path she paved for herself. To change the corrupted and twisted world around her, that had always been her goal all along.
"You decided to support him in the end?" Yukino asked bluntly, "Isn't it rather late?"
"Things will get worse if he didn't make initiative." Hayato said, "The sooner the truth revealed, the better. That means more time for everyone to sort their feelings."
"While I am in the opinion that this twisted world need to change, pushing changes toward people who were unwilling to change, that's a recipe for disaster. The changes, after all, has to come from within."
Yukinoshita used to argue against this very argument, because this argument originally came from none other than Hikigaya Hachiman. Hikigaya Hachiman was miserable loser who was unwilling to change, or rather, he was unwilling to accept the changes that people forced on him.
And now, he changed, on his own volition. Sure, having a girlfriend might have to do something with it. But even so, no one forced him to do it.
Yukino acknowledged that, after all these times passed, perhaps Hikigaya was right. Changes has to come naturally from within. And after all these months passed since they have argument, Yukino acknowledged that he won that one.
Yukino was wrong, thinking that pushing people to change was the right thing to do.
"Do you believe that's possible?"
"The proof is right in front of me." Yukino, for some reason, smiled. It wasn't quite mischievous like that of Yukinoshita Haruno's, but still mysteriously enchanting.
For a moment, Hayato was mesmerized, and then turned away his reddened face when he realized she was talking about HIM.
After all, in the past few months, Hayato had changed too. He's no longer as amicable and friendly to everyone, but he's much more outspoken about his own opinion and bias. Those changes might be caused by the fact that Hachiman and Hina managed to nurture an impossible relationship, but at the end of the day, it was Hayato's own subconscious that made him change.
"You're right... I'm sorry for being so selfish." Hayato sighed, "I should talk with Tobe again, but not today, Tobe... he would recover from it quickly, so he will be fine, whether he was determined to go through or changed his mind and decided to keep quiet. As for Yui, it would be harder for her to act like nothing happened. However, I believe she can surpass this hurdle."
The feelings of Yuigahama Yui, it was much stronger and deeper than that of Tobe Kakeru. It's not just a matter of principle, but it's also a matter of rationale and investment.
In the first place, what Tobe had for Ebina was just a simple crush. Even Tobe himself acknowledge that.
The same cannot be said for Yui.
He looked to her with pleading eye, and then bowed slightly. "Until then, please take care of Yui."
Yukino did not say anything in response, but her look was full of conviction, and Hayato felt at ease to see her expression like that.
俺が いる - 嘘の山で
I Exist - On the Mountain of Lies
Disclaimer:
Original Story by Watari Wataru
Chapter 26: Under the snow, blossoming spring sing the tune of death and rebirth #9
"Is it common for you and your brother to use tracksuits as pajamas?" Hina asked as she turned off the main lights and then switched on the desk lamp.
Komachi laid herself on top of the comfy futon. She sported a set of light green tracksuit with dark green patches on top. Looking at her like this she looked extremely comfortable.
"Yes, everyone in our family did. Sometimes we all spend wearing tracksuit all day. Outside hot and moist summer, full cotton tracksuit is perfect for any weather."
"Eeeh, I would like to try that too." Hina said, pouting. However, she only have one set of tracksuit, that is, her school sports uniform. And wearing it on the bed might be a bit wasteful. She decided she will acquire one soon enough.
"Well you can do that once you marry Onii-chan." Komachi jokingly stuck her tongue out, "Just joking, kya~!"
However, she grimaced to see Hina's unchanging, content expression. Almost as if she seriously considering it.
"Err, Hina-san, that was a joke." Komachi repeated with doubtful tone.
"Eh, but I am seriously thinking about it." Hina said lightly, much to the younger girl's horror.
"E... err, you do?"
"Of course, even I and Hachiman have talked about it." Hina said, her sight locked on the photo she took with Hachiman with her phone and printed out afterwards. "I'm fine if he decided to be house husband."
"Please don't let him indulge his laziness." Komachi waved her hand dismissively, "At home he actually did chores and enthusiastically learn to cook something other than porridge or curry, it almost scared me. But there's big difference between his rotten fantasy and bitter reality and I'm worried about both of you."
"...You really are brother and sister." Hina cheerfully laughed, "Even your reply also similar."
Komachi was surprised, "Huh? Really?"
"I don't think Hachiman wanted to be a burden to anyone, he did say that reality won't be as good as a dream." Hina spoke in proud tone as she told the little sister, "Hachiman... can be a bit lazy and spineless at times, but once he made his resolve, then he will do it. I mean, if he really did his chore and learn to cook better, that only means he wanted to put some effort in it, right?"
It might just be Hina's wishful thinking, but she had the feeling that...
Hachiman wanted this relationship to work out, somehow.
"... You really love Onii-chan, huh." Komachi was speechless to see Hina spoke so highly of her brother.
No one ever do that so openly.
"I can't say if it's really love, or just my greed and selfishness speaking." Hina said as she hid her slightly reddened face, "But for the moment, I'm happy just being with him."
"Nah, I think it is love." Komachi said, "I'm not sure what kind of love, but I'm glad you're with him, Hina-san."
"Thank you, Komachi-chan."
Outside the guest room, Hachiman sat alone in the living room, with the only source of visibility being the light from his PEP game console.
He was frankly restless and unable to sleep.
No, it wasn't because Hina teased him and told him that the futon he's going to use was used by Miura Yumiko, and the other one was used by Yui. Either way, it's not like Hachiman can help it. So he decided that not swapping the futon might be the better option!
No, it wasn't that that caused him to stay wide awake even though it was this close to midnight.
Now that he took care of his worries regarding his girlfriend, the vivid image from what happened today came rushing back, his mind, previously in slumber,were now working at full speed.
And then, when Hina invited him to stay overnight, he chickened out and called Komachi. Even though he could perfectly rationalize it, part of him still felt guilty over the whole thing.
He admit though, his guilt of leaving his little sister alone at home would be tremendously higher. The best of bad options, he could say.
The meeting... turns out to be better than expected. It seems that he was right that Komachi would immediately fit well with his girlfriend, perhaps too well and he dreaded for the future where they will join hands to take a dump on his dignity.
But to be honest, things weren't that bad.
If anything, he was content. And that makes him all the more worried. Hachiman was so accustomed with things getting worse for him that he was worried if, or rather, when the other shoe will drop.
As much as he wanted to deny it rationally, Hachiman had feelings too. He didn't want this relationship to end just like that.
At first, he decided to date Hina to find it out her objective.
But now, Hina's objective, it wasn't quite concrete yet, but not even remotely vague either.
Hina wanted someone who can be with her, someone who she can share her secret with, more than just friend. Someone she can have fun with, no matter the time and place. Hina wanted a boyfriend, a lover.
It was something that Tobe Kakeru will never be able to provide. It has to be someone outside her circle, but at the same time, it has to be someone she know she can trust.
But that's just that, her objective.
What about her feelings?
What did he feel about her?
True, after spending just over two months with her, he had grown fond of her. But...
Was it really love? Or just false sense of attachment? Or God forbid… was that merely a sense of mutual dependence?
He... was frankly afraid. Is it really alright for him to ponder, no, is it really alright for him to wish that would be the case. He didn't know which one was the real truth. But he was determined to find out.
With that in mind, he decided that starting tomorrow; he will bring back his focus to the people around him. Especially service club and student council. Being with Hina made him suffers a tunnel vision, and that's why he felt like losing himself.
The longer he's awake, his brain which rest in slumber began to accelerate.
He's been acting like an ass, well, more an ass than he was usually. Because he was worried about Hina, he was being extremely irritable, to the point that Hayama Hayato managed to get it with just a glance. Then he began to talk about romance, in fact, gossiping about the relationship between Secretary and Treasurer. Something he wouldn't have done before.
Then, because he wanted to privately call Hina, he purposely lost in a game of rock paper scissor.
Then he rebuff Orimoto with such force that he actually felt a little guilty now.
Embarrassing.
"Wait, wait, wait. What the hell was that again?" He muttered to himself.
He blinked, there was something amiss with the meeting.
He had vague feel that Orimoto has been... unusually close to him lately, between sending him messages, not even hiding their past relationship in front of new people, and in general, seemingly like to talk with him whenever she got the chance.
...did Orimoto just...
Did she just hit on him?
Hachiman's face became pale as he decided to walk to the bathroom and washed his face to erase the disgusting and probably impossible thought. Orimoto the enigma, hitting on the class clown loner, seemingly impossible.
But as he rubbed the fog that obscured the mirror, he saw an unfamiliar face.
Gone the beady eyed, pale faced, constantly slouching self that he always been since eons uncounted. It was replaced by someone so uncanny it hurts, sure, he could recognize that handsome face everywhere. But the details, it was different. The skin have a shade of healthy color to them, the eyes radiated vigor and actually looks alive, and the bangs were kept neat to one side, gone the distinct facial expression and unkempt appearance that people always mock him with.
"Who are you?" He asked the reflection of the mirror, even though deep down he's well aware that it was HIS reflection.
It sounds narcissistic to others, but to him, it feels like seeing a stranger.
Was this the reason why Orimoto began to hit on him?
But Hachiman wasn't always a careless slob, he wasn't one until that accident changed his outlook on teenage life, so physical appearance has nothing to do with it. But what exactly changed about him?
His attitude? His personality remains the same, rotten and critical as always. So what about the current that Orimoto find attractive?
With a deep sigh, he let the thought go. It's not as if the current him find her attractive either. He admit that, in comparison to the girls he have contact with in the class, club, and student council... Orimoto wasn't really that pretty.
"How could you judge people so shallowly?" He asked himself angrily.
And yet, it was as if his past self came back to haunt him, he heard a voice.
"What part of your attraction to Orimoto WASN'T shallow?"
Hachiman looked aside him to see no one was there. It was crystal clear, echoed within his mind, it was his own voice. The voice in his mind, the rebellious voice that scream against the rotting and unjust world.
Someone like Orimoto, who have no brain to mouth filter, someone completely deaf and blind to the social undertones around her, someone like her who was blessed with natural beauty yet made no effort to change or improve herself, someone like her who set no boundary between herself and all the men around her...
What part of Orimoto Kaori isn't shallow again?
Even if she began interested with him, it couldn't be some deep philosophical true love bullshit. Orimoto simply look at this unknown person who call himself Hikigaya Hachiman and decided she took an interest, even knowing that he already have a girlfriend.
It was merely shallow attraction and nothing more.
That's right.
As Hachiman see changes in himself, he also noticed the changes in the people around him.
Now that he wasn't blinded and confused by his feelings, he could see everything rationally once again.
Today's memories, at school and the meeting, played once again like a film reel, everything was clear and intact, and he began to compose himself once again, all the response and countermeasures that he need to do. Everything is well within his grasp.
Yukino.
Yui.
Orimoto.
The Student Council.
Even Hayato.
Hachiman finally see the light once again. He found his true self once more and grinned.
"Welcome back, Me." He said.
...
"Morning."
It was Wednesday, 16th of December when Hikigaya Siblings finished to get home early, get some breakfast and groom themselves, before quickly walked out to go to school.
Today's morning was chiller than usual, the snow piled up quickly enough that Hachiman could not use his bike, but slow enough that the school, offices and trains were not put on hold.
"Man this weather is annoying. It'd be better if the school was closed completely." Hachiman grumbled as he and Komachi walked side by side. It's such a long time since he walked to school, and he almost forgot how bothersome it was.
It's not like Soubu was particularly distant from his home, rather, it's because other schools were so close that he could almost feel envious.
"Onii-chan you just ran eight kilometer this morning, what's the problem with walking a little bit more?" Komachi snarled, "Or was it because you're with Sai-chan?"
"No, that beside the point." Hachiman quickly denied it.
Though to be honest, it was fun to run alongside the person that he could honestly call a friend. If only his and Saika's home weren't on the opposite side from Soubu, they might've walked to school together every day.
Komachi elbowed him jokingly, "While at it, why don't you walk with Hina-san, nee?"
"Don't even joke about that." He hissed.
"Well then let's split up here." Komachi waved her hand as she ran straight to the southern direction while Hachiman took a right turn.
Come to think of it, he never took a hard look at this road. However, he faintly remembered what happened here.
It was where he suffered an accident, on his very first day of school.
Standing there was the pink-bleached girl, her gaze locked on the crossroad where that tragedy happened.
Their eyes meet.
"Morning, Hikki." She greeted him, unlike usual, her voice seem to be restrained and wavered.
Not knowing how to react, he simple said. "Morning."
She was quiet before shortly approached him, "You don't go with a bike today?"
"Well, it'll be a hassle with this kind of snow." He replied, "Even walking is bothersome, I'm surprised the train still operating."
"Hahaha, I know right?" She wryly smiled, "You don't usually pass through here right?"
"Yeah, Komachi's school is over that intersection, to the south." He pointed behind him, "We usually go together on my bike."
"I see, I must be lucky then. My house is around here so I always take this road." Yui rolled her eyes aside, "Shall we go together?"
"Sure."
Hachiman couldn't understand why she behaved like that; it was as if she was guilty of something. However, she was different from yesterday. It was clear that something happened between the end of the meeting and this morning.
Besides, Yui looked like she cried, not much, but the signs was there.
However, he decided he won't ask out of the blue. Instead he will try to observe it and only talk when it's necessary.
After all, even he didn't want to see her in pain even if he sometimes hurt her through his cold cruelty in the past.
And he still owe her a treat.
He might feel a bit guilty to Hina, but it's not like he was cheating or anything.
"Something good happened recently?" Yui asked suddenly, "You look like you have fun."
"Probably." He cryptically said, eyeing her reaction. However, she doesn't seems at all surprised and instead grinned.
"A lot of things happened since the election ended, it's a bit hectic at times." She told him.
"Ah."
Between the inauguration of the new president and the whole Service Club being absorbed to the new student council, there were plenty of things to deal with in the backlog, especially with perfectionist president like that of Yukinohita Yukino, even minor flaws that persist less out of incompetence and more because the old Student Council was short of hands, was to be quickly rectified.
Even a technically jobless General Affairs manager like Hachiman had a pile of work handed to him because the position previously unoccupied.
"That's true." Hachiman nodded.
"You know, I'm more concerned with Yukinon than anything else." Yui sighed, "She behaved really strange yesterday."
"Mmh." Hachiman agreed, "Normally, she wouldn't let such a thing slide. She's letting Tamanawa controlling the pace of the meeting to suit his own twisted delusion."
"You noticed." Yui chuckled.
"I did." Hachiman scratched his head, "It's just hard to bring it up yesterday."
"Yeah, you did act weirdly too." Yui looked away in pain, and Hachiman noticed that as well, Yui quickly returned to her usual self and smiled. "But I'm glad you didn't change at all."
That was when Hachiman stopped walking.
Yui just lied through her teeth, pretending that Hachiman didn't change at all.
If it was Hachiman in the past, he would just let that one slide. That Hachiman too, would prefer things doesn't change at all. He's the arrogant asshole that would claim that relationship can always be reset to nonexistence.
This Hachiman wouldn't.
"...Yuigahama, is everything alright?"
"I lied." Yui also stopped walking for a moment and looked at the sky, "I lied, Hikki. Everyone is changing and I find it's hard to keep up."
She looked at him with a sad smile.
"...You changed too." Hachiman sighed, "Everyone is changing, at the same time."
"I know that." Yui closed her eyes, and rubbed them "It's just that... I'm wondering, if the three of us keep changing, could we stay together like this? Just thinking about it made me wanted to cry."
Hachiman only looked at her with hint of sadness on his eyes, they were no longer dead, or lacked sense of emotion. That was just how much he had changed since he dated Hina.
"Humans always finds excuse to stay together." Hachiman told her, "But at the end of the day, we're all selfish creatures. I couldn't even imagine it, I'm trying not to imagine it. But then, I'd be just fooling myself if I say I don't care."
The reason why he accepted Yukino and Yui's solution, the reason why they sacrificed Service Club for the sake of Student Council, was because he wanted to be with them.
No more lies, even if the full scope of truth remain hidden.
"I'm here because I want to. And that's why, Yuigahama too, just need to do what you want to do."
Yui sniffed a little bit, but her tears won't come out. She refused to let it out. She was both sad, and happy to hear that from Hachiman of all people. Happy because she could still be with him, sad because she will never have him for herself.
Yui realized that as much.
But she couldn't bear to bring the truth out, yet.
Hachiman had shown as much honesty as he could, even if he didn't say anything about his relationship with Hina, it's alright with Yui.
Everyone has secret. And secret will leak out. It's just a matter of time.
But for now, Yui is trying to live herself in this dreamy fairy tale.
"You know, we really need to meet like this more often." Yui laughed, "Maybe someday, both of us and Yukinon can go to school together."
Hachiman just calmly smiled in response.
That has to be the most honest and pure smile she ever seen out of him since their first meeting, two years ago.
"Yeah, and next time we'll see pigs flying."
Yui threw a snowball on his face in response.
"A number of porcupines huddled together for warmth on a cold day in winter; but, as they began to prick one another with their quills, they were obliged to disperse. However the cold drove them together again, when just the same thing happened. In the same way the need of society drives the human porcupines together, only to be mutually repelled by the many prickly and disagreeable qualities of their nature."
- Arthur Schopenhauer