Finding the Way back – Chapter 26
BellaPOV
(approx Mid April)
Since Edward was still in town, we decided to sit down with Esme, Carlisle and Dad to discuss our wedding plans and everything that followed. I hated talking about money, but it needed to be done. Amazingly, the conversation went very well. We decided to marry at the end of August, which was just a few short months away. Dad was touched when Edward and I told him that we wanted to be married in the same church that he and mom were married in. I swore I saw a tear in his eye. We also wrote out an initial guest list, which turned out to be close to two hundred people. Just the thought of all those people watching us started to freak me out, but Dad and Esme assured me that we could cut at least fifty people if not more.
That afternoon, Esme called her friend at the bridal salon and was able to get an appointment for us. Edward said he wanted to talk to Carlisle about school, so the two of them stayed behind, with Dad coming with us to keep an eye on McKenna. Truthfully, I wanted him to be there since Mom couldn't be.
"Bells, can't I just take McKenna home with me?" Dad asked on the drive over. I could tell he was a little uncomfortable at the thought of shopping for a dress.
"I'd really like you there, Dad."
"I'm no good with this sort of thing."
"I know. I'm not asking for you to name designers, but every girl wants their mother with her when she picks out her wedding dress, and since mom is gone, I want you there."
We arrived at the bridal salon a few minutes later. Dad was completely overwhelmed and out of his element, but he managed to keep a smile on his face as I walked through the rows of dresses. They ranged from very simple to over the top. I knew I wanted something simple, maybe with a little sparkle and a short train.
"Mommy! Look at this one!" McKenna called from a few rows over. "You should have this one."
I found her standing in front of a mannequin that was dressed in a gown that looked like it was make of feathers and toilet paper. It was awful.
"It is pretty, 'Kenna, but I don't think it would look good on me," I said.
I joined Esme and was taken to a dressing room. Over the course of the next hour, I tried on several dresses. Dad was surprisingly opinionated about everything. There were a few dresses I liked, but none that jumped out at me. However, the last dress I tried on changed everything. It was a simple sleeveless A-lined dress with a short train and beading. The moment it was zipped and I looked at myself in the mirror, I knew it was the one. I walked out from the dressing room to show Esme, Dad, and McKenna.
"I think this is the one," I said excitedly.
"Mommy, you look so pretty!" McKenna said bouncing in her chair.
"What do you think, Dad?" I asked.
"You look...just beautiful," he replied. He shook his head a few times and tried to hide the face that his eyes were a bit wet. "Just beautiful."
"What about my scars? Are they noticeable?"
"Not at all," Dad said.
"We can always keep your hair down to hide the ones on your shoulders if you're worried about them, but they're not noticeable at all," Esme replied.
"So is this the one?" the bridal attendant asked.
"Yeah. This is the one."
Edward had come home a few times since our therapy session. I thought for sure it would be weird between us, but it wasn't. If anything, our relationship seemed stronger. Every time we got closer – more touches, more kisses – he was gently coaxing me to go farther, and I trusted him not to hurt me. The first time I let Edward touch me, I felt myself slipping back into that other girl. The one who let the past consume me and ruin my life. It scared me because it was like my body was on autopilot, reverting to my old patterns - the way I kissed him, touched him. When I realized what I was doing, I was disgusted with myself. It was Edward who stopped me and simply pulled me into his arms and held me, kissing my hair and offering comfort. He was the one who put on the breaks, who knew I wasn't ready, and because he knew me this well and loved me enough to stop, it only made him more precious to me. It was like he knew how I was feeling even without words. He was a miracle and I wanted, more than anything, to give myself to him, to be able to move beyond the past and just love him.
He was so patient. We tried again, more than once, and each time it was a little easier than the last. Edward helped me by talking to me, murmuring words of love and letting me know how he was going to touch me. I started to feel more comfortable and was able to go further, letting him try new things, touch me in new places, and get bolder with his kisses. He was perfect and the love in my heart swelled for this beautiful man. I started to long for his kisses and crave his gentle touches.
I could sense his disappointment when we would stop, but he never pushed me.
"Edward, I know how badly you want this…don't stop."
"You're not ready," he'd whispered. "We've talked about this and I'm satisfied with the progress we've made. I have no intention of rushing you, Bella. It will happen, and when it does, it will mean everything."
"But that's just it…I do want it. I want you. I'm just scared." I hesitated and gazed up into his green eyes. They were full of love and understanding. "I think I'm more scared of what you're thinking or if I'll disappoint you than anything else."
He pushed a stray lock of hair off of my face, his fingertips soft and gentle against my skin. "Hush. You could never disappoint me. You're so special, love. So beautiful. Yes, I want you," he whispered and then brushed my mouth with his, "so much. But not until the time is right. You don't have to be scared. I'll never hurt you and when we do make love, nothing will matter but the two of us. Okay?"
"You're so good to me," I said softly, nuzzling his jaw with my chin as I sighed into him. His arms tightened around me and he pulled me into his body. "I love you."
Today we had the house to ourselves. Dad and McKenna had gone to La Push for the day and I'd made up my mind that this was it. I was going to make love to my Edward. I wanted him in ways I never wanted any of the others. I desired him. I wanted his hands and mouth on my body and to finally feel him inside me. So much.
When he arrived, I took his hand and led him up to my bedroom. His eyes were questioning at first but he didn't ask what my intentions were. I closed the door behind us and walked up to him, reaching out. I laid my hands on the solid muscles of his chest and slid them up to his shoulders, kneading the strong muscles. His arms closed around me and pulled me close while he buried his face in the curtain of hair at the side of my neck and started running kisses up and down it. His touch was magical - so soft yet more intense than I'd ever felt before. My body straining against his, I felt his hardness press into my stomach as our mouths finally came together and my body reacted. My heart was racing and my skin was infusing with a heated flush…my sex opening in want.
"Bella," he groaned as he pulled his mouth away from the gentle kiss. "Are you sure?"
"Uh huh." I nodded and reached for his mouth again. I could sense how hungry he was, but he tried to be gentle, so careful of what I needed, but this time I wanted him to lose himself as much as I wanted to let myself drown. "Edward, take me."
He gasped. "Fuck, Bella. Oh, Jesus, I love you."
"I know. It's time," I breathed heavily.
His hands slid down over my butt, pressing my body closer to his as his mouth devoured mine. Again and again, we kissed, his hot tongue plundering my mouth and mine answering back. Somehow we ended up on the bed, and his kisses slowed, his hands inching underneath the hem of my t-shirt and ghosting over the satin and lace of my bra. He pushed the offending material away and looked upon my naked flesh. He was breathing heavily and his hair was a wild mess from my fingers raking through it while we were kissing.
His hand cupped the swelling flesh of my breast and his thumb brushed over the pink nipple sending electricity shooting through me. I moaned softly and arched into him, carefully watching his expression. He bent his head and gently took the hard little nub into his mouth and suckled softly.
"Bella, if I do anything that hurts you or you want me to stop, you have to tell me," he whispered as he pulled away. His hot breath rushed over my skin and he dragged his mouth over my flesh. "God…I've dreamed about this for so long."
"I won't want you to stop, Edward. I'm ready for you. I want you, too." I wound the fingers of my left hand in his hair again, urging his head back to mine for another series of kisses as my right hand found the buttons to his blue linen shirt. Soon my hand was inside, sliding through the light chest hair, caressing and kneading his flesh. Edward's hand slid down to the waist of my jeans and undid the button and zipper, sliding his hand into the front of my panties and gently parting the hot flesh he found there.
My hands clutched at his shoulders, pulling him closer as he touched me. It felt so good. He was so gentle and I could feel the love seeping out of him and into me. It made it different than anything I'd ever experienced. "Edward," I said breathless as my body quickened beneath is skilled fingers.
"Does it feel good, Bella? I want to give you everything."
"Oh God…it feels...uh…uh…amazing. I want to be closer," I whispered against his mouth. I was timid, shy but I wanted to touch him. I needed to touch him.
Edward smiled gently and bent to kiss my mouth as his hands pushed the denim down my hips, the tight material taking my silk bikini panties with it. The air was cold on my bare skin and I wanted him to cover me.
He pushed my blouse off and I shrugged out of my bra. I was completely naked to his gaze and he stopped and stared. "Jesus, Bella. You're beautiful. I'm…I'm...speechless."
I held up my arms to him as he ripped his t-shirt over his head in one smooth movement and then his hands moved to the fastening on his jeans. He was kicking off his shoes at the same time as I watched with rapt fascination as more and more of his body was revealed to my view.
I could tell from touching him how perfect he'd be, but still I wasn't prepared for the effect that naked Edward would have on me. My mouth fell open and my breath rushed out of me. I hoped he could see how much I desired him in my face. It was nothing like I'd ever felt. He was beautiful and he was mine. I reached for him and he came to me. It felt like everything was moving in slow motion. His touches, his kisses…all heaven on earth.
His kisses slowed, and he lifted his mouth from mine, but still moved his lips over mine as he spoke. Brushing against mine, I was hungry for more of his delicious lips and my chin lifted toward him. "Edward…" I moaned into his mouth.
"Bella, are you sure? This is the moment to change your mind if you want to." He brushed my hair back and looked into my eyes. "I want you…so much, but it has to be right. I want it to be perfect. And just us. No one will ever touch you like this again. Only me. Forever. Tell me that's what you want."
My hands slid into his silky hair, fingers threading through the glorious strands as I pulled his head back to mine. "Only you. Forever."
His mouth found mine again in hungry fervor, our hands roaming over each other. My hand moved between us and closed around him, causing him to groan. "Jesus…I've waited so long to feel you touch me like this. Bella, I love you, beautiful."
"I love you."
His tongue slipped into my mouth and we kissed again and again, writhing together on the bed until finally his body was settled into the cradle of my body and all of my limbs were wrapped around him, urging him on. When he finally entered me, I felt more love than I ever imagined possible.
We moved together, touching, our bodies mirroring each others, our hips rocking together perfectly. He wasn't going fast, yet it still felt frantic, urgent. Every thrust filled with desperation and something else that I couldn't put into words.
I felt myself start to fall apart and he felt the reaction of my body to his.
"Oh yes, Bella. That's it. Give in to it, sweetheart. Let me have it all."
My body quivered and clenched around his, and his thrusts increased in speed and pressure until he moaned softly, both of his hands on the sides of my face as he kissed my again. My arms tightened around him as his body stilled against mine and I kissed the side of his face, tears filling my eyes.
"We did it, beautiful," he whispered, "and it was beautiful. I'll never forget this moment when you finally became mine. You're all I'll ever want. I love you so much."
"I love you too," I whispered against him. He held me close to him, my head over his heart. The rapid beating, paired with his gentle caresses against my skin, lulled me to a deep, peaceful sleep.
A few weeks had passed and it was McKenna's recital. Edward and the others had come home yesterday. At the sight of Edward, McKenna ran straight over to him and jumped into his arms. He, Jasper, and Emmett took her to the park after her last rehearsal to burn off her excitement. About ten minutes into dinner, McKenna passed out at the table. I wasn't sure if it was because she was overly excited about the recital or the fact that Edward was home. I think it was a little bit of both.
"Mommy, wake up! I get to dance today!" McKenna said as she jumped up on my bed. "Wake up!"
"I'm awake, baby."
"Are we still painting my nails? You promised."
"Yes, sweetie, after breakfast we will, okay?"
"Okay! Can I put my outfit on now?"
"Later. We don't want it ruined, right?"
"Right."
That night, we all sat and watched as McKenna and her group did their routine. She was adorable in her pink and white outfit. Her smile seemed to light up the dance hall and her excitement and happiness was contagious. After she was done, I found her backstage talking with some of her friends.
"...and my Mommy is getting married! I get a pretty dress and my hair done and everything," she said.
"Wow. Is she gonna marry your daddy?" a little girl asked.
"I think so."
"McKenna," I said.
"Mom!" she said as she turned around. I wrapped my arms around her and kissed the top of her head. "Did you see me? Was I good? Did you like it?"
"Of course I saw you. You were wonderful. Come on, everyone's waiting for you so we can go to dinner."
"I want tacos!" she replied as she skipped out the door in front of me.
A few weeks later was my bridal shower. Usually Edward would come down on Friday nights for the weekend, but since it was getting so close to graduation, he stayed behind with Jasper and Emmett to study for finals. Rosalie and Alice had arrived yesterday to help get everything ready at the Cullen house.
The day of the party, I was running a good hour late. McKenna had a full-blown temper tantrum when she realized that the gifts at the party would not be for her. Then, the new girl at the bakery called in, so I had to go in to finish a few things, which I was not happy about. By the time we got there, the house was filled with people and McKenna was still in a foul mood. Esme introduced me to everyone I didn't already know, most of whom were close friends family of the Cullens.
After eating and playing silly games, people started leaving, which I was thankful for. The house was so full with people that it was too much for me. Rosalie and I were in the living room talking about a few details for Edward's graduation party, when I heard McKenna.
"...you are a mean girl, Alice! A mean girl!"
"What the hell is she saying now?" Rose asked as we stood and walked to the front door.
There we found McKenna with her little hands on her hips facing Alice and another woman, whose name I couldn't remember.
"What's going on here?" I asked.
"Mommy, Alice said some naughty words! She needs a time out," McKenna said.
"What an outspoken little child you have," the woman said.
"That's what happens when you have a mother who passes her off to others," Alice said. "No proper upbringing at all."
"God, Alice, can you stop being a...brat for just one day?" Rosalie sneered. I had to giggle at the fact that she had to stop herself from swearing.
"My Mommy is a good mommy! She's nice and she loves me," McKenna said.
"Alice, what did you say?" I asked.
"I was merely saying to Tanya here that I was impressed how you managed to latch onto Edward the way that you have. You not only have him fooled, but the rest of my family as well."
"Mommy, she said to that lady that she should go and find Daddy and take him away," McKenna said.
"Who exactly are you?" I asked.
"Tanya Maxwell. I attend school with Alice, Rose and Edward. I have a few classes with him, and I must say, he's barely mentioned you."
"And what's with your bastard calling Edward 'daddy'?" Alice asked. I had found McKenna and Edward sitting on the porch talking a few days ago. She had asked if he was going to be her daddy now that we were getting married. Edward had told her that if she wanted to call him daddy, he would love that but that she didn't have to. McKenna wrapped her arms around his neck, kissed his cheek, and said 'I love you, Daddy.' The two of them have been pretty much inseparable since.
"Come on, McKenna, lets go see if there's any cake left," Rosalie said.
"You're a mean girl, Alice. A mean girl with ugly shoes!"
"That's not nice, McKenna," I said.
Once McKenna was out of sight, I turned to Alice. "Alice, I've seriously have had enough of you. If you weren't Edward's family, I would tell you to stay the hell away from us. You've been nothing but mean since the day I returned. I'm glad Jasper has found someone else and flaunts her in front of you because he is too good for you. I hope he gets married and has a family, and I hope that you're left alone with an apartment full of cats always wondering what could have been. Meanwhile, Edward and I will be happy together raising our daughter and any other children we may have. Everyone in his family, with the exception of you, will share in that joy. But you'll be all alone and it will be no one's fault but your own, and I will not spend one second feeling sorry for you."
I didn't give her a chance to respond as I turned and walked away. I heard her say something behind me, but didn't acknowledge it. I meant every word that I said...and I felt a little lighter for saying it.