Thank you to all who read/review/favourite/alert
domino lavendel, freakanatomy – Thank you!
hugbuddy13 – I agree, keep hope alive that Spencer will be alive on their 20th wedding anniversary
hphglover – Trust me is no easier to write than it is to read. The painful part is that everyone has been touched by cancer in one way or another, myself included. Thank you
WillowOn3 – Yeah my imagination is one scary place to be sometimes lol. Yeah Ashley is all about the elaborate demonstrations of love! I felt a need to break from the drama. Thanks Hun
mutt009 – Thank you, the flashback was a break but the reality of their situation is still there, just waiting
Usual disclaimer – SoN not mine
Sorta Fairytale
Chapter Twenty-Six – Daddy Time
Spencer sighed as Judy walked out of her hospital room and slumped back against the pillows propping her up in bed. She was now a month into her second round of chemo therapy and it sucked just as much the second time round as it had the first. The worst part was that she still hadn't been released from hospital following her little collapsing episode at her parents.
To say that Spencer was eager to get her butt out of hospital was an understatement, but Dr. Gratis was concerned that given her extremely weakened state she was best to be in hospital where she could be monitored around the clock.
Spencer had asked every day whether she could go home and was constantly being told that as soon as she was stronger they would send her home. She got the feeling that they were just trying to placate her and that no one really thought she would ever be well enough to leave the hospital again.
She fought hard to keep positive, to hold onto hope, but each day in that hospital bed just made it harder and harder to not fall into despair. She hid it well. When her wife and children or the rest of the family were visiting Spencer was smiling and cheerful. As soon as she was alone she crumbled.
Holding onto the façade of being fine was beyond exhausting, but she didn't want to burden her family any more than she already had. Spencer down played how sick she was feeling. Every day she acted as though everything was going to be alright, when inside she was screaming.
"Good morning Spencer," Dr. Gratis said with a kind smile as she walked into the hospital room. Spencer smiled briefly but said nothing.
"How are you feeling today after the treatment?" She asked while picking up the blonde's chart to read the notes the nurses had left.
Spencer shrugged, "same as I usually feel after having all those chemicals pumped into my body. I don't see my answer to that question ever changing."
The doctor sighed and took a seat on the chair beside the bed, "Spencer I know this is awful for you, to be stuck in hospital and going through this. If there was another way to fight this disease then I would take it."
Spencer nodded, "I know, I'm sorry I'm just feeling pretty fed up today."
"It's ok Spencer, really it is. None of this is easy and there is no right or wrong way to handle it. I'd say given everything you are actually handling this all rather admirably. I see people everyday battling with this illness and it never gets any easier, but seeing you and the strength you've shown, Spencer it is truly inspiring," Dr. Gratis said gently.
"I just get so angry some times, so damn angry. This illness is robbing me of time with my family, hell even if it doesn't end up killing me it has still stolen months of my life. I am less of a mother since I've become sick because I just can't be there for my children like I used to be. And Ashley, God I am hardly a wife to her anymore. I can't even hold her in my arms through the night anymore because I'm stuck in hospital. I am failing my family," Spencer cried brokenly, feeling beyond wretched.
Dr. Gratis sighed heavily and took the younger woman's hand in hers, "Spencer I am not going to pretend to know what is going through your head right now, but what I do know is that your family love you so much. Your wife loves you unconditionally, in sickness and in health is in the vows and your wife demonstrates that more than anyone else I have ever met."
Spencer smiled thinly at the older woman and leaned back against the pillows of her bed. Dr. Gratis patted her hand and got to her feet, "Ok Spencer I'm going to leave you to rest now, please have them page me if you need anything at all." Spencer nodded and pulled her blankets up to her neck as she rolled onto her side. The doctor smiled sadly at the back of the younger woman's head and left the room silently.
Spencer closed her eyes and let her exhaustion take her away from the depressing thoughts that were threatening to take her over. Sleep blissfully claimed her quickly.
The next morning Spencer was sitting in the chair by her window looking out over the dreary looking hospital parking lot when her three favourite people wandered into her room. "Mommy!" Lucas called as he ran over to give her a big hug.
Spencer pulled him up onto her lap, with some difficulty, and held him tightly against her, "Hello my little man! Wow am I glad to see you guys!"
Spencer lowered Lucas to the floor and pulled Hannah in for a loving hug. The younger blonde buried her face into her mother's neck and held her close. "Hey Baby girl, how are you?"
Hannah pulled back so she could smile up at her Mommy, "I'm good Mommy, I went horse riding this morning and they let me ride Harley. He's a chestnut and sooo pretty! He was such a good boy and I even trotted over some small jumps Mommy, it was so fun!"
"Wow baby girl, that's great! I'm so happy for you. When are you going riding again?" Spencer asked with a grin for her daughter.
"In a week, Momma said once a week is enough for now. Pip, the instructor, said I can ride Harley again next time if I want to!" Hannah gushed enthusiastically.
"Well I think Momma's right and that's great you can ride Harley again next time. You'll have to get Momma to take so photos so Mommy can see them!" Spencer beamed at her little girl.
The younger blonde nodded excitedly and ran over to sit on her brunette mother's lap so her little brother could tell their Mommy a story about her golden puppy. Lucas crawled up onto her lap and snuggled lovingly into her arms as he regaled her with a tale of Oliver and the garden hose…the hose lost for the record.
Spencer chuckled tiredly at her son's enthused story telling and ran her fingers through his messy curls. It amazed her how no matter what they did Lucas' curls would never lie neatly. Ashley told her it was because he was going to be a rock star, Spencer more thought it was because his hair was as stubborn as he was.
The family sat around for a little longer, just enjoying being together when there was a knock on the door and Arthur wandered in. "Grandpa!" Lucas and Hannah called excitedly, running to give him a big hug.
"Hi Kids, you being good for your Moms?" He asked with a twinkle in his blue eyes. They nodded enthusiastically and beamed when he handed each of them a chocolate bar.
While Hannah and Lucas were occupied with their treat Arthur went over and greeted his daughter and daughter in law. Arthur placed a gentle kiss on his daughter head and gave Ashley's shoulder a soft squeeze.
Ashley and the kids left soon to give Spencer some time with her father. Spencer was smothered with kisses and hugs before her wife and kids walked out. Arthur helped Spencer up from her chair by the window and back into bed. She was tired and fading fast.
Once she was back in the bed Arthur lovingly tucked the blankets in around her thin body, much like he used to when she was a little girl. Arthur sat on the edge of the bed and took his daughters hand. He smiled lovingly down at his youngest child and said softly, "How are you feeling Sweetie?"
Spencer smiled wearily and murmured, "I'm shit Dad. I feel like utter shit and the energy it takes to pretend that I'm alright around my children and wife is exhausting."
"Of all people, you don't have to hide from Ashley she loves you and just wants to be there for you," Arthur said softly still clutching her hand.
"But she wants me to be optimistic and keep hope alive, but Dad I am running out of hope. I can't see myself getting through this. I thought if I fought and did everything tight. If I loved my family and they loved me then it would all be ok, but I don't believe that any more. I am really starting to believe that I am going to die Daddy," Spencer choked out before bursting into wracking sobs.
Arthur gathered his daughter up in his arms and held her close. He rocked her gently, just like he used to do when she was a little girl. He fought back his own tears, she needed him to be strong. She needed his optimism and strength. It was not his time to break down, that would come later once he was at home with his wife.
"Spencer I know this is scary and it is so easy to just give up and lose hope, but you my girl have so much to hold on for. You have a beautiful family who love and need you so any time you think about giving up and not fighting anymore I want you to think of what it will do to them to lose you. Not to mention what it will do to everyone else who loves you," Arthur kissed her forehead gently and held her against his chest as she cried even harder.
His baby girl had been so strong through all this and now it was finally getting to be too much for her. He just prayed that she could find reserves of hope and strength inside because it was pretty certain that this family would not recover from losing Spencer. He knew that losing another child was not something he and his wife could survive.
Spencer sobbed brokenly into her father's chest, pouring all her fears and pain into the man who had always been there for her. Nothing had ever disturbed the relationship between father and daughter and this cancer sure as hell wasn't going to. Arthur had been the parent to always make her feel safe and loved, especially when she first came out. Arthur had protected his daughter and never made her feel anything but loved.
Spencer cried until she drifted off to sleep. Arthur lowered his exhausted, fragile daughter to her pillows and adjusted her blankets around her. He gently stroked her face that even in sleep was twisted with anguish and pain.
Looking down into her beautiful face Arthur knew there was nothing he wouldn't give if it meant he could take away all her pain and give her back her life. He would gladly lay down his own life if it meant his daughter would get to spend a long and happy one with her wife and children. It just all seemed so very unfair.
Spencer clung tightly to her father's hand in her sleep and snuggled closer to him, drawing an affectionate smile from the broken man perched on the side of her hospital bed. He glanced at the walls around her bed and chuckled softly at the multicoloured artwork his grandson had put together for Spencer. The walls were also postered in pictures of the children, Ashley and Oliver.
On Spencer's bed side table were three framed photos. The first was one taken of the Carlin clan the day they moved into their house in L.A. Paula and Arthur stood at the back with their arms around each other. In front of their parents Spencer stood in between her brothers who both had an arm around her. Everyone but Glen was grinning at the camera, he of course was pulling a ridiculous face at his little sister.
The second picture was taken of Spencer and Ashley at their wedding. The shot had been snapped by Chelsea right as they had shared their first kiss as a married couple. Their eyes were closed and they were holding tight to each other. Both women were smiling into the kiss and had tears of happiness on their faces.
The last picture brought fresh tears to Arthur's eyes. It was a photo of Spencer, Ashley and the kids. It had been taken a few months before Spencer had been diagnosed. They were all sitting down on the beach. Ashley was sitting behind Spencer, her arms wrapped protectively around her waist while Spencer leaned back against her chest. Hannah was leaning against Spencer's thigh as her mother ran her fingers through her blonde hair and Lucas was snuggled up to Spencer's other side while he stared adoringly up at her.
Arthur picked up the frame and smiled down at the picture of the happy family. He had taken that photo himself and given it to Spencer for mother's day. He smiled sadly and placed the photo back in its place on the bedside table. He prayed for the day his daughter and family would get more happy moments like the one in the picture.
So this story is drawing to a close. I have written the ending and will be posting fairly regularly so you guys get the ending soon. I think there are 5 chapters to go.