Chapter 25 – Jasper POV
Nobody knew exactly what was wrong with Bella. She'd fallen ill so suddenly and with so many symptoms it was almost impossible to diagnose her. She's just been led on that small white bed off the main wing of the Diseases branch on the hospital. Sometimes she opens her eyes but when she does all I see it pain and they shut in seconds.
Why didn't I pick up on this in her body? Why didn't I realise she was ill before it got so serious? Charlie keeps coming whenever he can and Carla, but there's not much point. She's never awake enough to talk. She's steadily deteriorating, twitching on the bed and writhing in pain whenever she wakes, sleeping like she's dead the rest of the time.
I'm going to lose her.
My Bella, my sweet sweet Bella, is going to leave me all alone. Because she's human. Because she's fragile. I should have changed her already. But I've been waiting, waiting for her to ask. Because I don't want to force her into it – who would choose this fate? Forever is boring, but she's stopped my forever seeming so boring and now I'm going to lose her. And I only just found her. I've considered changing her now, in the nights where I'm sitting alone, holding onto her hot and sweating hand. But I can't because I'd be taking away her free choice. Only if it seems she's only got seconds left, will I put my venom in her and run from this hospital with her.
This stupid hospital. They've connected her up to a drip but that's pretty much all they've done – they can't fix her. I rang Carlisle and he didn't know what to do either.
I went over to the bed, where she was lying sleeping but not peacefully. She looked peaceful a week ago, now she looks scared. Is it close to the end then? Will it all be over soon? I have doubts that my venom will even work – what's inside her is killing her from the inside out and if her heart stops beating it's all over.
I ran my hand down her face, as hot as a werewolf now with the fever. In an hour or so though, she'd be as cold as me. She kept switching between the extremes, her body totally unable to establish a normal balance. If I could cry, I would be now. If I could die in her place, I would. Anything for her to live. Everyone else, they could die too. Anyone but Bella. A tramp on the street, a doctor in this hospital, even Esme if push came to shove. But not Bella.
Bella, my lighthouse. Bella, who called me princess. Bella, with her brown trusting warm eyes. Bella, the most beautiful girl that ever was. Venom pricked at the corner of my eyes, stinging. I stuck my hand in my pocket and withdrew the small black velvet box I'd got weeks before. I'd been debating what to do every single night as I watched her sleeping, while she was still healthy. If I asked her to marry me would she say no? Would she think she was too young? Would she think it was too serious?
I wanted to ask her so much.
But it was too late, far too late.
If she never got better, how could I live with not knowing what she would have said? Did she love me enough to want to marry me? To swear herself to me forever? I loved her enough to give her forever, and I also loved her enough not to fierce that upon her if it wasn't what she wished. I'd never felt so much for anyone before, not Maria, not Alice. I'd learnt what true love was, and in this cruel world, it seemed like I'd only know it briefly. Like lightening. A flash, lighting up my world. Then darkness when she leaves.
With shaking hands, I took the thin silver band from the box and slid it onto her finger. I'd bought it in her ring size but now it was too big – her whole body was wasting away. I looked down at the silver ring with the simple diamond, knowing it was perfect for Bella. She didn't like flashy things and this was as simple an engagement ring as you could get. That was where I wanted that ring to stay forever more. But could it? If she got better, would she let it? Would she get better?
I sighed and took the ring back, moving to sit on the bed to play the devastating waiting games once more. Her life was hanging in the balance and this was a game I didn't want to play. How I wished I'd changed her before. How I wished I'd been brave enough to ask.
"Bella, please. Wake up. Please. My lighthouse. You can call me princess." My voice was a shallow, rasping whisper. She didn't move.