February 2016
Soft music played and the air smelled of lavender, as Scully walked into Smith Funeral Home at 1:00 on Monday afternoon, to meet with Xavier Smith. Her heart was pounding as she stepped inside and up to the reception desk. The overwhelming desire to be anywhere else was strong, making her wish more than anything that she could just run away from all of this and never return.
"Hello. Can I help you?" asked a kind, smiling blonde woman seated behind the desk.
"Yes, um … my name is Dana Scully, and my mother-" she stopped, tears filling her eyes and her throat feeling clogged. "She …"
"Scully, you said?" the woman asked softly and Scully nodded, wiping at her eyes. "Okay. I see you have an appointment with Xavier, I'll go get him. You can have a seat here if you would like." She handed Scully a box of tissues, stood, and ushered her to the settee.
Scully sat down and took a tissue from the box, wiping at her eyes. Her mother was gone, and her heart was hurting. Her brothers would be in the country in time for her mother's service, but for now she was on her own. The thought of finalizing her mother's burial was like a knife in her gut.
Unable to sit still, she got up, put her tissue in her pocket and paced the room, not really paying attention to what was around her. On her second turn around, she glanced up to find Mulder standing in front of her. She stopped and stared at him, not able to say anything. He wordlessly reached for her left hand and squeezed as she heard someone calling her name.
They both turned, Mulder keeping a firm grasp on her hand. His hand in hers was currently the only thing keeping her upright, as she saw the man who would be helping her with her mother's final arrangements. He squeezed her hand, and she took a deep shaky breath.
"Miss Scully?" the man asked as he approached them, his hand outstretched.
"Yes," she said just above a whisper. Clearing her throat, she tried again, as she reached for his hand. "Yes, I'm Dana Scully." Her voice was a little stronger, and Mulder squeezed her hand again.
"I'm Xavier Smith," he said, shaking her hand and smiling kindly, glancing at Mulder.
"This is my partner, Fox Mulder," she said turning her eyes to Mulder. He nodded at Xavier, not willing to release Scully's hand in order to shake his. Xavier smiled and nodded in understanding.
"Let's step into my office. Would either of you like anything? A water? Coffee? Tea?" he asked kindly as they began to follow him to the office. They both shook their heads, and he smiled. Scully let out a breath and Mulder squeezed her hand again.
Arriving at his office, he offered them each a chair as he sat behind the desk. Mulder ushered Scully into her seat and then sat beside her, never letting go of her hand. Part of her wanted to show that she could do this without him holding onto her, and the other part knew if he let go, she would surely crumble. She chose to stay upright, thus keeping a tight hold to him.
"I was very sorry to hear of your mother's passing," Xavier said with a sigh. "She was a very kind woman." Scully nodded and tried to smile but was unable to do so.
"You met her?" Mulder asked, his voice quiet but curious. "How?" Scully glanced at him and realized she had missed something. Xavier smiled again and opened a folder in front of him. He looked at Scully and clasped his hands together.
"You're mother came in here in December," he explained. "She and a friend of hers wished to finalize their plans for the future. She said they had been to a funeral of a close friend and it left her feeling the need to take care of things. She didn't want to leave any loose ends and cause anyone any undue emotional stress." Scully nodded, tears filling her eyes. Xavier pushed a tissue box toward her, and she took one.
"Sounds like her," Mulder said quietly, and Scully nodded again.
"Her friend … Janet … she was sick, for a long time … and um, I can see mom's logic to want to finalize things," Scully said through her tears. Mulder squeezed her hand and nodded.
"She had everything set. Upon her passing, we received the information and are taking care of everything. She opted for cremation and has chosen the urn for her ashes," Xavier said calmly and yet Scully gripped Mulder's hand tighter. She had dealt with death, but this … this was different. "She paid for everything, it's all here in the paperwork, along with some things she dropped off a couple of weeks ago." He handed the folder to Scully, requiring her to release Mulder's hand to take the large folder from his outstretched hand.
She held the tissue tight in her hand as she opened it and saw all the paperwork her mother had signed. She ran her fingers over her signature, tears falling again. Moving the papers aside she found envelopes. Many different envelopes addressed to different people, held together by paper clip and by family group, in her mother's handwriting. Bill, Tara, Matthew, and John. Charlie, Renee, Brandon, Michael, and Sara. Dana, Fox, and William.
Scully closed the folder and buried her face in her hands. She cried hard, her tears unable to stop. Mulder's hand on her neck grounded her and once again kept her from crumbling too far. His fingers lightly rubbed across her skin and helped to slow her tears, lending her his strength. She took a few deep breaths and then moved her hands from her face.
A new tissue was handed to her which she used to wipe her eyes and blow her nose. Another followed and after a few minutes had passed, she felt able to raise her head again as Mulder moved his hand. No one had spoken, but she knew that this office had seen its share of tears. She was not the first person death had broken.
"As you can see," Xavier said kindly again. "We have everything arranged and have already begun the preparations. It should be a couple of days and then we will call you to come back and pick up the urn." Scully nodded, unable to speak at the moment. She held tight to the folder, the last letters her mother had written held safely inside.
When Xavier stood, they followed suit and shook hands. Mulder stepped back and let Scully walk out ahead of him, his hand lightly landing on her lower back as she threw out the tissues on their way out the door. Sniffling and trying to stop her tears, she kept walking out into the main lobby, ready to get out of this building and go someplace where she could cry. Her head was beginning to ache from all the crying she had done and also from what she was holding back.
"I am very sorry we had to meet under these circumstances, but please know we will care for everything and if you have any questions, please give me a call," Xavier said as he shook their hands once again. He handed Scully his card, and she nodded. Smiling kindly at them, he walked back to his office.
Scully closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Opening her eyes, she looked at Mulder and saw the sadness she felt reflected in his eyes. She knew how her mother's death affected him, yet he was not letting it show because he was too busy being strong for her. Stepping forward, she held on to the folder firmly and wrapped her arms around his waist. When her cheek found its resting place against his chest, she listened to the beat of his heart, finding contentment and security in its rhythm as it reverberated in her ears.
The familiarity of being held by him, the sound of his heart, the combined scent of cologne and his own scent made her ache. Even apart, not knowing where exactly they stood with each other, he was here, holding her and sharing her grief. Closing her eyes, she let herself be held and loved by this man who would forever hold her heart.
"Do you want to get some lunch?" he murmured in her ear, his hands rubbing slowly on her back.
"I don't think I could eat," she whispered back, sniffling and then pulling back, opening her eyes to look up at him. He stared in her eyes and nodded, his arms still loosely around her.
"How about coffee? Maybe just a piece of pie?" he asked with a small smile. She attempted a smile, but it did not quite work. She closed her eyes and nodded before opening them again. Stepping back from her, he glanced down at her hand and then back up at her eyes, telling her what he wanted, but letting her decide. She reached for his hand and laced her fingers with his, smiling a real smile this time. Squeezing her hand, he walked out with her to the parking lot, her hand in his.
"So, I'll follow you there?" she asked as they arrived at her car, letting go of his hand. He shook his head and put his hands in his coat pockets, his head down. "Mulder?"
He sighed and looked up at her. "I took an Uber over here. Just in case you wanted to grab a bite or a coffee, I could … we could go together." He shrugged his shoulders, and she scrunched her chin as she realized what he was saying. He took an Uber so he could stay with her and be there for her as long as she would allow.
Stepping forward, she wrapped her arms around him again as a thank you for being there, doing what he had done, and for what he would continue to do to ease her sadness. Taking the keys from her pocket as she stepped back, she handed them to him and patted his chest, silently thanking him before she walked to the passenger side.
They drove to a diner they had been to many times in the past. It had a patio in the back that was not crowded, with the chill still hanging in the air, so they opted to sit out there to allow for more privacy. Scully welcomed the lack of people over the comfort of warmth. She had a coat, and she knew they would not be there too long.
A waitress came over and gave them some menus. Mulder asked for a coffee and with a glance at Scully, a peppermint tea. She smiled softly at him, always amazed at how well he knew her. The waitress walked away, leaving them to sit in silence for a few minutes as they looked at their menus. Now that she was sitting and looking at choices, she realized she was hungry.
"You wanna split something?" he asked, looking over at her. "Maybe split a sandwich and a bowl of soup each? I'm not super hungry, but perhaps just a little something to hit bottom?" She nodded and he smiled.
The waitress brought them their drinks and he ordered a pastrami sandwich, a bowl of creamy chicken noodle soup, and then glanced at Scully. She asked for French onion and the waitress nodded, collected their menus and walked away.
Opening the peppermint tea bag, she placed it in her mug and poured in the hot water from the small metal teapot. She watched Mulder add cream to his coffee and she looked at him, causing him to shrug.
"I tried it the other day, and it was pretty good. Still like it just black, but this way is good too," he said by way of explanation. She nodded and lifted the tea bag in her mug to allow it to sit.
Sighing, she looked around at all the people in and out of the diner, going on with their lives, not feeling the pain and emptiness she felt. Looking at Mulder again, she felt a sadness in her and when he looked at her, she shook her head.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, and he kept his eyes on her waiting for her to continue. "We've both lost our fathers, and now our mothers. You've been so wonderful- at the hospital, letting me work even though you knew I shouldn't, today …" She shook her head and reached for his hand. "I … you asked so little of me when your mother passed, and I could have done more."
"Scully, no. I asked a lot of you. More than I should have. I couldn't … wouldn't be able to do an autopsy on your mother, no matter what you said to me, and I asked you to do that for me. Scully-"
"I had to, Mulder. I didn't want to, but I understood why I needed to, and I would do it again. As much as it hurt, I would do it again for you."
"Then we are more than even," he said, holding her hand tightly, his eyes serious and unyielding. "You didn't ask me for anything, Scully. You don't need to ask. I'm here." She shook her head, and her eyes filled with tears as she stared at him. He let go of her hand, leaned forward, and wiped her eyes with his thumbs, holding her face in his hands.
They stared at one another, and she remembered the night she came to him to tell him about his mother. The way he fell into her arms, his tears falling hot onto her shoulder as she held him close. Helping him to his feet, his room, and to his bed. His eyes on hers, begging her to stay with him.
Laying there together, how his eyes looked at her lips and then he was kissing her, hard, fast, and determined. His hand went up her shirt and to her breast before she could speak, his mouth fused to hers. The look in his eyes when she pushed him back and stopped his hand from holding her breast. She ran her fingers across his lips, telling him without words that she understood. His forehead falling to hers before his tears began again, she knew the decision was the right one. If they had continued, their first time together would have been wrapped in sadness instead of a positive step made toward a hopeful future.
The waitress arriving with their food, broke the moment they seemed to be stuck in, and he took his hands from her face before sitting back in his chair. Scully took a drink of her tea as the food was set on the table. Mulder asked for an extra plate and the waitress left to get one. He glanced at Scully, and she gave him a small smile as she set her mug down.
The waitress brought the plate, and Mulder put Scully's half of the sandwich on it and handed it to her. She took it, her stomach growling loudly. He caught her eye, and they both laughed softly before digging into the food in front of them. Either it was exceptionally good or she was hungrier than she thought, because in no time both the soup bowls were empty and the sandwich was gone.
The waitress came to clear the table and asked if they would like dessert. They both declined and the check was set on the table. Mulder picked it up. took out some cash, and handed all of it to the waitress before she walked away.
Scully drank the rest of her second cup of tea and began to feel nervous. She did not want to go back to her lonely apartment, to sit all alone, but knew she could not ask him to stay. It was too much, too far for a … friend to go.
Because that was what they were right now. Friends, not lovers, and not a couple. Asking a friend to share this loss and be there when she needed someone to hold her as she cried in the middle of the night was too much to expect. She could not ask that of him.
"So, can I take you home? You have any good movies to watch at your place? Or is it just documentaries and Steel Magnolias?" he asked with a slight smile as he stood up. She stood too and sighed, ready to tell him it was not necessary, but a slight shake of his head quieted her.
They got back in the car, and she gave him directions to her apartment. If he was nervous or unsure about going to her place for the first time, he did not let it show. He turned the radio on, the volume low, reducing the need to speak. Her head resting against the headrest, she watched the city go by as they drove.
He pulled into her parking space a few minutes later. She picked up the folder and Mulder handed her the car keys. She locked the car as they walked to the lobby door, then down the hall to her door. As she unlocked it, she glanced at him. He gave her a small smile, and she nodded.
Opening the door, she walked in and put her keys in the bowl on the small table by the door. She stood in the entryway and let Mulder walk in and have a look around. Her coat was hung up and her shoes left by the door. She stepped into the kitchen, set down the folder and watched him look at everything. Her heart was pounding, tears threatening to spill out for more than one reason.
"It's nice," he said quietly. "Not like your previous apartment, and I don't mean that in a bad way." He turned to her and she nodded, showing him she understood what he meant. It was different than her other place.
"I'm ... I'm not here much," she said softly, shrugging her shoulders. He nodded back and then turned around again, before looking back at her as he pointed at the cat pillow on the couch.
"What's this?" he picked up the pillow and looked at it with a smile. "A cat alien? A … ca-lien. No a cat-lien, that's better." She smiled, tears now pooling in her eyes as he said exactly what she knew he would.
"Wait, it says Lisa. Is that the name of the designer? Or is it like those things we've seen at Ikea? The Roger chairs and such?" he asked, as he looked at it closer, then back at her. "Scully?" He dropped the pillow down on the couch and walked over to her.
She wiped her eyes and shook her head. "I'm okay. I … just … I'm okay. Uh … there are some movies in the cabinet over there, or we could find something on Netflix. I'm going to take a shower," she said in a rush, needing to get away before she erupted in tears.
She closed the bathroom door and turned on the shower, her tears already falling. Undressed, she stepped into the shower and let her tears combine with the warm water, rinsing away and down the drain. She cried for her mother, and emptiness she felt inside at her loss. She also cried for the love she felt for Mulder and his care for her, and how easy it would be to ask him to stay, to invite him to her bed and let him love her. To let his kiss and touch take away the pain for a little while.
But that was all it would be, a little while, and neither of them deserved that right now. She knew she needed to stop those thoughts if she was going to be alone with him.
She washed as she continued to cry, trying to get a hold of herself before she had to go back into the living room. Finally feeling she was able to leave the shower, she turned off the water and stepped out. Grabbing her towel she dried off and then wrapped it around her body. She walked into her room and put on a pair of flannel pajama bottoms, an old hoodie, and some fuzzy socks. She towel-dried her hair and went back into the bathroom to hang it up.
Walking into the living room, she found Mulder on one end of the couch, Netflix set on the home screen, and two mugs of tea on the coffee table. He looked at her as she walked past him to sit down. There was a blanket on the end of couch that he must have put there for her.
"I made the sleepy tea for you," he said, pointing to the blue mug and she nodded. "I know it's still early, but …"
"Thank you, Mulder," she said softly, picking up the mug and taking a drink. "Pick whatever movie you'd like, I don't have a preference." She leaned back and took another drink, her eyes closed.
She heard something starting, but kept her eyes closed and drank all of her tea. Setting the mug on the table, she grabbed the blanket and moved the cat alien pillow close to him, but not touching. She lay on her left side, facing the television, but still not watching or knowing what it was he chose. She covered up and sighed when her head hit the pillow. When his fingers began to stroke her hair, she would have wept if she had any tears left. No words were spoken, but his fingers softly released the remaining emotional tension of the day from her body.
When she opened her eyes, it was dark, save for one lone light. She groaned as she sat up and found not Mulder beside her, but a note by his mug-
5:30
I didn't want to wake you, I know you must be exhausted. Called an Uber and I'm leaving in about five minutes. I took your key off the key ring. I'll lock the door and slide it under and back inside when I'm done. Call or text when you wake up, if you want. You know I'll be up.
She looked at the clock on the wall and saw it was now 10:15. God, she had been asleep for almost six hours, and still felt exhausted. Tonight was the first night since her mom died, that she had slept longer than two or three hours without waking up in a panic. It was the combination of the tea, the man who made it, and the care behind it.
Standing up, she walked to the entryway and saw her key on the floor just as he said it would be. She picked it up and put it in the bowl, drank a glass of water in the kitchen, and went to look for her phone. Finding it on her dresser, along with the clothes she had taken off earlier, she knew Mulder had cleaned up after her.
She picked up her phone and sent him a text:
Thank you for today.
She set the phone down on her nightstand and pulled back the covers, ready to go back to sleep. She took off her socks and laid down in bed, covered up, and closed her eyes. Her phone vibrated and she reached for it, finding a text from Mulder.
No thanks are necessary. Good night, Scully.
She smiled, put her phone back down, closed her eyes and fell asleep.
Five days later, Scully stared at herself in the mirror. The black dress she had picked out for the afternoon service was simple but elegant, something she knew her mother would have approved of. She slid on her heels and glanced at her mother's letter that sat on her dresser.
It took a day of staring at it, before she finally opened it, both wanting to read it and also keep it unknown like a treasure, forever. She read it, however, and cried as she did and every time since then when she reread it. She would not need to read it today, she had it nearly memorized.
My darling Dana,
I know you have many questions and my answers to what I believe you would ask will be inadequate. But I will try to answer the big one, at least.
I know that finding out I changed my living will was a surprise to you. I know we discussed in the past what I would want, but after hearing of the strain of Janet's family, I knew I couldn't do that to mine. I didn't want there to be confusion, disagreements, or a stress put on any of you.
I made the decision for ME, Dana. I wanted to leave this earth of my own accord.
I could've discussed it with you, but I knew it would've caused us both to worry, or argue. I didn't want that. Not anymore. My decision was mine alone, and I know you can respect that.
Dana, I know we discussed the blame and worry you put on yourself regarding William. Worry for how, who, and where he is. I know how it sits with you at all times. A mother never stops being a mother.
I told you that you made the right decision, and I will forever carry that in my heart. He is safe because of your decision. We both need to believe that is true.
I love you, my darling daughter. My feisty tomboy who regardless of her tough outer exterior, has always felt things deeply. Who picks up the torch for those whose light has gone out and carries them with her. Who sees beauty and wonder in science when others may turn away. Who saw a man who shouted at the heavens, chased monsters in the dark, believed in the exact opposite of everything she held dear, and knew he was the other half of her heart. Two opposite poles of a magnet, unable to be separated for too long.
The magnets are being pulled further and further right now, but the day will come when everyone and everything needs to be out of the way for them to snap back together. Because when it happens, nothing will stand in their way.
I hope I'm there to see it, but life is uncertain and we're not guaranteed anything. That doesn't make it any less spectacular or special.
Until then, Dana, have faith.
I love you.
Mom
A knock at the door startled her. She took a deep breath, trying not to cry again as she glanced at her mother's letter. Walking to answer the door, she wiped her eyes, as she picked up the other letters she would be giving out to her family today. Opening the door, she found Mulder on the other side. He smiled softly at her as she stood back to allow him space to enter.
He stood with his hands in his coat pockets, not walking further into the apartment. She put the letters in the purse she was bringing, picked up her phone and keys, and turned to put on her coat. Mulder already held it in his hands, holding it open to help her put it on. She slid her arms in and he lifted her hair and straightened her collar, brushing her cheek as he did. She grasped his wrist and held his gaze for a couple of seconds. They both nodded and walked out the door.
It was a quiet ride to the lake. In the backseat, in a box, was the urn Mulder asked to pick up. He called the day after their lunch and said he would like to be the one to do it, and through her tears, Scully agreed thankfully, making arrangements with the funeral home for him to do so.
Arriving at the lake, Mulder turned off the car and looked over at her. She looked back at him and he searched her face. She closed her eyes as his hand came up again to brush her cheek.
"You ready?" he whispered, and she shook her head, knowing she would never be ready. Opening her eyes, she looked into his which were locked on hers. His thumb stroked once more, and he nodded at her.
She stepped out and closed the door. She felt the cool of the day more acutely as she stood there, with the reality of what was going to happen weighing on her. Looking to her left, she saw Bill, Tara and their kids pulling up and getting out. Another car and there was Charlie, Renee, and their kids. Her heart ached at the sight of them, that it took their mother dying to bring them all together.
Charlie locked eyes with her and suddenly she was hurrying toward him, her baby brother she missed so much. He met her halfway, both of them wrapping their arms around each other and crying. Words were said, but none were understood. She pulled back and held his face in her hands. Grey hair was at his temples and yet he still looked so much like the little boy she held so long ago, when he was sad or hurt. Pulling him close again, she whispered his name and shook her head, the past, for the moment, forgotten.
He stepped back and then Bill was beside her. Hesitantly, he reached for her and though this hug was different, she clung to him. Her big brother she wished was more approving of her personal life choices. He let go of her and stepped back, his face stoic, and then harder as he glanced past her. She turned and saw Mulder standing behind them a bit, the urn in his hands. Looking back at Bill, she tried to convey her thoughts without words. His jaw set as he gave her a curt nod before she turned and walked toward Mulder.
"Should I give this to Bill?" he asked her, gesturing to the urn. She shook her head and hooked her arm through his, beginning their trek down to the log her mother specified would be the area of the lake where her ashes were to be scattered.
The rocks were tough to navigate in her heels, but with Mulder's assistance, she made it. There was a small boat anchored out aways, and a dinghy tethered to a large rock. Louise's brother, Jack, had volunteered to be the one to take out her mother's ashes and scatter them as the others watched from shore.
As they stood and waited for everyone, Scully held tight to Mulder's arm. Tara walked up and hugged both of them, tears running down her face.
"I'm so sorry, Dana. Maggie was a wonderful woman and I loved her dearly," she said, taking shuddering breaths. Scully pulled her to her again and they shared their grief.
Louise, Jack, Annie and Marcus came walking up together. Each of them hugged Scully, Louise in tears, unable to speak. Both her friends were now gone, in less than two months. Scully held her close, sad for everyone left behind to grieve and figure out how to move on.
The priest from her mother's church arrived and came to each of them, expressing his condolences, and clasping their hands. He asked for the urn to be placed where everyone could see and Mulder went to oblige his request. He came to stand beside Scully once his task was complete. His hands were in his pockets and she threaded her arm through his, keeping a tight grip on him.
As the priest began to speak of her mother, Scully's thoughts wandered. She thought of the letter her mother wrote and her words about William. She thought of her last words, directed to Mulder, about William. Why did she say that? She felt the quarter on a chain in her jacket pocket and she rubbed her thumb across it. So many mysteries left unsolved.
The priest asked if anyone wanted to speak and Scully shook her head, her throat clogged with tears. Bill stepped forward and though she saw his mouth moving, Scully did not hear a word he said. Charlie also declined and Louise was crying so hard, she would not be able to speak.
Jack quietly walked to the moored dinghy, and began to ready it. Mulder took his right hand from his pocket and squeezed Scully's hand before stepping forward to collect the urn. As soon as he walked away, she began to cry, knowing this was it. Before she felt that she might fall, Louise and Annie were beside her, flanking her on either side.
Louise put her arm around Scully's waist, and she did the same. Annie gripped her left hand and they all collectively took a breath. Mulder stood close to the water as Jack got in the dinghy and started the engine. As soon as he motioned to him, Mulder handed him the urn, but not before patting it and saying something no one could hear.
They all watched Jack head toward the other boat and then climb aboard, tie off the dinghy on the opposite side of their view, and reach for the urn. Mulder stepped back toward Scully and froze when he saw the women around her. Annie immediately moved so he could take her spot, and he nodded his thanks. Louise did not move, but kept a tight grasp on Scully's waist. Reaching for Mulder, Scully got the arm of his coat and pulled him to her. He locked his fingers with hers, and she squeezed tightly.
Jack stood at the back of the boat and waved to them, a signal that he was ready. Someone must have waved back because he lowered his hand and began to pour the ashes, the wind pulling them high before they fell to the water. Scully moved her arm from Louise and wrapped her arms around Mulder's waist, burying her face in his chest, sobs shaking her body. It was over, her mother was gone.
He held her and let her cry. She heard nothing of anyone else's grief, her own too overwhelming. She did not hear the dinghy return, nor the words softly spoken by Jack to Mulder. Her world consisted only of her heavily weighted thoughts, the feel of Mulder's coat against her face, his arms around her, and the silence he afforded her to cry as she needed.
When she felt ready, she turned her head and looked out at the water, her arms still around his waist. He hummed and rocked her slightly, still saying nothing. Finally feeling able, she loosened her grip on him and stepped back a little. He held onto her upper arms and looked in her eyes. She nodded and turned her head, finding out that everyone had left.
"How about we take a minute or two on the log?" he asked quietly and she nodded, her fingers finding the quarter in her pocket again. Holding it in her palm now, he helped her over to the log and got her seated before going to collect the urn and set it by her feet. Sitting down next to her, he sighed as he looked out at the water.
"It's beautiful here," he said. "I understand why she chose this spot."
"Seems she was ahead of us on many levels," she agreed quietly, the quarter feeling heavy in her hand. "It was almost as if she knew it was going to happen, as hard as that is for me to believe. It just seems to … fit somehow." He said nothing and maybe it was his silence added with the weight of the quarter, that gave her the strength to say what was pressing on her heart.
"I know now why Mom asked for Charlie, even though he was out of her life. She wanted to know before he left that he'd be okay. She gave birth to him. She made him. He's her responsibility. And that's why she said what she said to us. She wanted to make sure that we'd be responsible, to know that William was okay. Even though we can't see him. I know that as parents, we made a difficult sacrifice to keep him safe. That it was for his own good to put him up for adoption. But I can't help but think of him, Fox. I can't help it," Mulder shook his head slightly and she continued. "I believe that you will find all of your answers. You will find the answers to the biggest mysteries, and I will be there when you do." He looked at her and nothing would stop her words now, she had to tell him.
"But my mysteries ... I'll never have answered. I won't know if he thinks of me, too, or if he's ever been afraid and wished that I was there. Does he doubt himself because we left him? What … questions does he have of me? The same that I have with this quarter?" Looking down at it in her hands, she shook her head, the tears choking her again. "And I want to believe ... I need to believe, that we didn't treat him like trash."
He stared at her and then put his arm around her, but she hesitated for a second, not wholly sure she deserved to be comforted and held. Did they treat William like trash? Put him out of sight for his safety, or was it for theirs? His arm around her tightened and she sighed, her head on his shoulder.
"Scully, I feel that anything I say will seem inadequate and perhaps placating," he said quietly, and she could feel him shaking his head. "But no, you … God, Scully … you did not treat him like trash. The decision you made was made in love and the desire to protect, not to push a problem from you, or relieve a burden on you. It wasn't a choice. He was being hunted and would continue to be so long as he was with you."
"How do we know he's not being pursued now, Mulder? How do we know he hasn't been and he's …" she was unable to finish the sentence, her thoughts racing with the most horrible images.
His arm tightened again and his head shook faster. "We can't, but it doesn't mean we should allow those thoughts to take precedence. I know that's easier said than done, but we can't. We have to believe and hope that every precaution that was taken in the past, has and is, keeping him safe." She took a long steadying breath and nodded against him.
"It is easier said than done. Mulder …" she trailed off and he rubbed his hand up and down her arm.
"I know, Scully," he agreed quietly, and they sat in silence for a few minutes, so much grief and worry hanging between them. Things were still unsaid, apologies for the past, thoughts not shared, but for now it was enough.
Sitting up, she looked at him and saw tears on his cheeks. She reached over and wiped at one while he wiped the other. He caught her wrist and held her hand to his face, his eyes closed, as he took a breath. Opening his eyes, she smiled softly at him, and he nodded.
Standing to his feet, he offered his hands to her and helped her stand up. He picked up the now empty urn and waited for her to take his arm, to help navigate her way over the rocky terrain once again. The symbolism was not lost on her, but now was not the time to explore it.
Driving away from the lake she closed her eyes. She felt exhausted and they still had the small reception to get through at her mother's house. Annie had insisted on making a few dishes and bringing them over to her mother's house, the place they all felt was best to celebrate the life of Margaret Scully.
Pulling up to the house, she took a deep breath and got out of the car, noting that everyone else was already there. They must have been sitting on that log for longer than she imagined. Mulder got out and took the urn from the backseat, and they walked to the front door together. Just before she opened it, she squeezed his hand and looked at him. He nodded and she opened the door, dropping his hand.
The next couple of hours passed by in an underwater type blur. Conversations went on around her, but she felt disassociated from most of them. Seeing Bill's kids all grown up, and Charlie's on their way, made her ache for William more. She caught Mulder's eye as she walked away from Tara and Renee. He smiled at her and she attempted one back, but failed.
She looked over at Bill and his scowl detoured her plan to speak to him. Instead she went in the kitchen and found Charlie, staring at a picture on the fridge and sobbing. As she stepped closer she saw it was one of their mother and Louise, apparently taken at the lake last year.
Scully walked up to him and put her hand on his back. He turned to her and cried harder, falling into her arms. She listened to his broken sobs and understood his pain. The deep pain that came from places previously unknown. The unresolved issues he and her mother had were now burdens he would face on his own, and she knew the weight they would hold.
"Such an idiot, Dana. So … so stupid," he said before succumbing to tears once again. She held him and let him cry, hoping to alleviate some of his pain.
After a few minutes he calmed down enough to let go of her and step back, shaking his head. "I'm so sorry, about everything. Something so small and unimportant, a fight that spiraled further than it should have, kept us all apart. And Mom …" he shook his head again, clearing his throat. She did not tell him it was okay or that it would be, she knew those words were empty. Instead, she hugged him again and hoped it expressed what her words could not.
They walked into the living room together and Renee came over to him, smiling kindly at them. Scully stood as they went to join their children and again she caught Bill's eye. Sighing, she walked over to him, wanting to get this and the day over with so she could be alone.
"Mom left the house to you," Bill said, his voice hard.
"She did. And she left you, and everyone else, money and things she knew you would want and enjoy," Scully replied. "You don't live here, Bill, you or Charlie. It makes more sense to leave it to me when I am here." He scoffed, but did not argue. "Are we good?" He stared at her, but said nothing. Finally he nodded and she walked away and into the bathroom, needing a break from everything.
Finally, everyone began to gather up their things to leave. Goodbyes were said, hugs were given, and Scully handed them all their letters as they gathered at the door. Tara cried again as she held the letter close to her heart. Charlie was unable to speak as he looked at his letter and then at Scully. She nodded and squeezed his arm.
Louise, Marcus, Annie, and Jack were the last to leave, making sure the kitchen was clean and things were straightened up before they did. They each hugged Scully goodbye. Annie reassured her again since she took him that first day, that Pip was much loved at her house, and he was doing well with them all, eating treats and laying by the warm fire. Scully smiled and hugged her again, thanking her for taking him in and loving him.
Louise pulled Mulder in for a hug saying, "It's what Maggie would have done," making them all laugh softly through their tears. The door shut behind them, and finally it was just Mulder and her there alone.
She looked at him and sighed, exhaustion coursing through her. "I'm so tired," she said quietly and he nodded, exhaling out a laugh.
"You and me both, Scully," he said, running a hand down his face.
"Mulder, I … I think I want to stay here tonight," she said, surprising both of them. "I know it's a spontaneous decision, but I feel it's right, and I … yeah, I want to stay."
"Do you want me to stay? I don't mi-"
"No. No, that's okay," she said hurriedly. "I think I'll be okay, and you're tired. You should … should head home, get some rest."
He stared at her, uncertainty written across his face. "Scully, I really don't mind staying," he said again and she nodded.
"And I thank you for that, but I feel like I need to do this. I'm okay, Mulder," she said and he nodded slowly, heading for the door. "Oh, your letter. I … it's at my place. I wanted to give it to you tonight …" she said apologetically as she looked at him and he gave her a smile.
"Mine? I didn't know … Scully, it's okay. I can get it later," he said taking his coat off the coat rack and putting it on, watching her the whole time.
"I'm okay," she said again, trying to smile.
"Okay. Well, if you need anything …"
"I will. I'll call you."
"Night then, Scully," he said opening the door and heading to his car. She watched him drive away, his lights disappearing down the road, before shutting the door, locking it, and closing her eyes.
Finally she was alone and able to have that cry she felt was at the surface all day. She walked into the living room and froze, as memories of the past and present began rushing in and making their presence known.
Her father's laughter at some joke he had told a hundred times, Melissa looking her way as she rolled her eyes, and her mother shaking her head, but her eyes shining, as she too joined in the laughter.
The memory of the quiet when his jovial laughter left them all so abruptly. The sadness that seemed to settle in the house for a while, the happy memories not enough to keep it at bay.
Bringing Mulder over for dinner to meet her mother, happiness and laughter once more being welcomed in. Coming to her mother's when fear coursed through her veins, knowing this was one place she was safe when she was sure Mulder had betrayed her. Dinners, birthdays, and Christmas mornings that were funnier and sillier, due in large part to Mulder.
Just a few weeks ago, Christmas was celebrated here with friends and loved ones. Jokes, laughter, and music was heard and today … today they said goodbye to her mother, and once more the house was silent. The silence so deafeningly loud, it was hurting her ears, and making her heart ache.
Suddenly, she was unable to breathe, as she stumbled forward and bumped into a chair. Gone. Her mother was gone and would not be walking in the room any second with her warm smile. She would not be calling to check on Scully, asking questions, and offering advice. Her mother was gone and Scully was alone in her empty house, the silence pressing in around her.
Stumbling through the living room, she reached the kitchen and found her phone. Through her tears, she dialed Mulder's number, knowing he would come, whatever the reason. The phone barely finished one ring when he answered.
"Scully?" he asked, his voice louder than normal as she was sobbing incoherently into the phone. "Scully?"
"Mul … I … don't … Mul …" she panted out, gasping for air as she stumbled back to the living room.
"Scully? Scully? Open the door. Honey, open the door," he pleaded, his voice softer, as she heard a knocking at the front door.
Her tears impeding her vision, she fumbled to unlock the door, still feeling as if she would never catch her breath. When the locks were undone, she opened the door, and there he stood, his arms ready to catch her as she fell forward, unable to stand on her own any longer.
"It's gonna be okay, Scully," she heard him whisper to her as he pulled her close and stepped inside the house, closing the door behind him. "I'm here." And with those simple words, she felt her lungs expand, and breath return to her body.
She was going to be okay.
He was there.