Summary: Caroline first visits the Mikaelson clan on April Fools' Day. What could possibly go wrong? P.S. Do not read if you don't like conversation about masturbation.
"So, you promise you're on board? Because if not tell me now then I can –"
"I assure you, Kol. Contrary to popular belief, I do have a sense of humour."
"Okay, I'll see you tomorrow."
"Bye."
xxx
"Klaus, what's with the pout? It's going to be okay!"
"Caroline, you do not know my family. They'll have something cooked up. They always do. I'm usually the one doing the cooking."
"You've never cooked anything in your life."
Klaus scowled, and ran a stressed hand over his face. Caroline grabbed his knee, squeezed it and offered an encouraging smile.
"We've been together for three years, Klaus. They're going to know I'm not just using you for your money," she said, reassuringly. "Or the really good sex."
He smiled, but it didn't quite reach his eyes.
"My love, there is a reason I've kept you from them for so long. They're mean, and vindictive, and protective. They'll be planning something, I just know it."
Klaus pulled into a driveway, and Caroline's mouth fell open at the sheer beauty of the place. Rolling hills, sweeping lawns, a gorgeous old manor.
"You grew up here?" she asked, disbelievingly.
"I did," he sighed. "It's not nearly as glamorous as it seems."
Caroline scoffed, and Klaus' heart rate picked up again, as he pulled his car up next to a violently pink mini-cooper, which signalled his sister was already here.
Of course she would be.
Rebekah wouldn't pass up an opportunity to terrorise Klaus.
He also noticed three other cars accompanying Rebekah's, a black jaguar, a dark grey BMW, and a white 4WD. It seemed that Caroline wasn't just going to meet his mother, like he'd been led to believe.
Nope.
She was going to be meeting the entire clan.
Mother, brothers, sisters, sisters-in-law, roudy nephews and all.
His knuckles tightened on the steering wheel, and he had to fight every instinct in his body not to turn tail and run back to the States, which was blessedly Mikaelson-free.
Caroline, of course, noticed his discomfort. She smiled gently, and leaned over to kiss his cheek.
"They're not going to scare me away," she said, tenderly. "No matter how awful your family is, I love you. I don't have to love them."
He smiled weakly back at her, still not quite convinced she would still love him after this week. Hell, he'd be surprised and proud if she made it through dinner. The only saving grace of this trip would be that at least his mother would be trying to mediate the intensity of her children.
Klaus got tentatively out of the car, feeling somewhat like he was about to walk up Calvary and not into his childhood home.
Caroline got out and smiled brightly, so happy to just not be travelling anymore. The trip from New York to London wasn't a fun one, and the drive between London and the Mikaelson Manor was just a little bit too long to be comfortable.
Klaus darted round to Caroline, and grabbed her hand tightly, like she might run away at any second.
They'd only taken three steps to the front door when there was a shriek, as a flash blonde literally pushed Caroline away from Klaus, and engulfed him into her arms.
"Niklaus, never ever stay away this long, ever again. Or, so help me, I will castrate you!"
The girl continued talking a mile a minute about things Caroline didn't catch, or didn't understand. She stood slightly awkwardly off to the side, watching the siblings reunite.
The blonde, who Caroline assumed was Rebekah, turned towards Caroline after another few moments, a disdainful look on her face.
"So, you're Nik's newest bimbo. Why are you with him? Is he paying you?"
"Rebekah," Klaus groaned, the relaxed expression on his face, suddenly turning irritated. "This is Caroline."
"Well, she's obviously only with you for your money! Look at her! Cheap and trashy!"
Caroline was taken aback, she hadn't really expected Klaus' worries to actually have grounds.
She was about to answer, when she screeched and jumped nearly a foot in the air, as an unfamiliar hand rested itself on her butt, and then slunk around to rest on her waist.
"Cheap and trashy? Bekah, you do our guest here a disservice calling her such things. Tasty and edible is how I would describe her."
"Kol, get your hands off Caroline," Klaus growled.
"What? She's a very beautiful little thing. Can I have a taste? Please?"
"Kol, please behave," called a stately voice, from the doorway. "And Rebekah, be nice."
Both pouted, but did as they were told, much to Klaus' relief. Caroline was already looking shaken. Klaus strode over to his mother and wrapped his arms around her.
"Hello, mother," he smiled.
"Hello, my son. And I take it this is Miss Forbes?"
Caroline gave Mrs Mikaelson her most charming smile, a smile that made Klaus' knees buckle a little, and stuck out her hand.
"Caroline, please, Mrs Mikaelson. Thank you for inviting me to stay! Your property is beautiful."
"Yes it is," Esther said, down her nose, ignoring Caroline's out stretched hand. "Now, Kol, Rebekah, for being rude, please take Klaus and his friend's luggage to their room."
"But that's what we have servants for!" Rebekah cried, sulkily.
"Yes, but they are all indisposed. Now, do as your told."
The two siblings pouted, and Klaus sighed in relief that the first introductions were out of the way, but he was still dreading the other encounters that were still to come.
And then there was dinner.
He grabbed Caroline's hand, and led her into the main foyer. It wasn't lost on him that his normally warm mother had been standoffish with Caroline, and referred to her as his 'friend', but he hoped her frostiness wouldn't take long to melt.
Klaus walked with Caroline in the direction of his old room, but stopped when his mother called from behind them.
"Niklaus, your room is being remodelled. You will be in the guest third guest room."
"What? Mother, you knew I was coming home? Why remodel it?"
"They were meant to be gone two weeks ago, but you know what contractors are like."
"And why the third guest room?" Klaus asked, his face scrunching up as though the third guest room was something akin to sleeping in the gutter.
"Well, as you know, Finn and Sage are here, so the twins are in the second guest room, and Henrik has a friend staying over, so he's in the first."
Klaus gritted his teeth, a sure fire sign to Caroline that he was about to explode. She squeezed his hand, and gave him a look, and he calmed down a little.
"Fine, mother."
He changed course, and led Caroline up a flight of stairs to the what must have been the third guest bedroom.
Klaus closed the door behind him, and rested his head on the wood of the door, glad for a moment of peace, before the rest of the clan clicked to his arrival.
"Seriously?!" Caroline exclaimed.
Klaus whipped around, expecting to see Kol in his porn star pose on the bed.
What he saw was much more uncomfortable.
Two beds.
Two single beds.
Two single beds on opposite walls of the room.
He let out a groan.
"Why are they being like this?" he growled again. "I told you, Caroline, I told you meeting my family would be a terrible idea."
"It's okay, Nik. Come on, there's still Elijah, Finn and Henrik to meet? They'll be good, right?"
"Yes, unless they're involved with whatever plan has been cooked up."
"Again with the conspiracies? Klaus, I don't think there's a plan."
"Oh, there's a plan, all right. Rebekah didn't kick up nearly enough of a fuss about taking our bags to the room. Or 'peasant work' as she likes to call it."
"You're being ridiculous, Klaus."
"I'm really not, just you wait."
xxx
A few hours later, everyone was sitting around the long mahogany table, actual servers were serving the food, and there was a lively – read violent – debate raging around the siblings about some trivial thing that was supposed to be dead and buried nearly two decades ago.
It had been sparked by Kol reminding the table of the time Klaus and Elijah had both fancied the same girl. Which had led to snarky comments about Rebekah's first boyfriend, Alex. To a loud discussion about Rebekah's second boyfriend, Enzo. Which had finally somehow regressed to loud insults about the time they had been on holiday in Barcelona and how it was Rebekah and Klaus' fault, not Kol and Elijah's… Though Caroline couldn't quite decipher what the 'it' was…
Rebekah was flinging insults at Kol who was grinning like a loon at Klaus. Klaus was locked in a battle of wills with Elijah, who was being talked down by Henrik, who was sitting next to a very exasperated looking Finn. Sage, Finn's wife, was trying to calm her excited five-year-olds, who were practicing the naughty words being flung around by their aunt and uncles. Sitting awkwardly watching the ensuing insanity, were Caroline, Henrik's friend Lucien, and Elijah's husband, Tristian. Sitting at the head of the table, patiently sipping her soup was Esther. She made no move to stop the battle, until she finished the last drop of her soup, when she stood up, a terrifying power emanating from her.
"Enough!" she commanded.
Immediately the table fell silent, in a very cartoon kind of way.
"You have all proven to me you are incapable of being treated as adults. So, unless addressed by me, you will not speak. The exceptions are Sage and –" Caroline was so sure she was going to be the second name – "Tristian."
Caroline nearly dropped her spoon.
"We will reassess when I am half way through my main."
With that, Esther sat gracefully back down, and looked expectantly at all the still half full soup bowls.
As they finished soup in silence and entrée was served, Caroline looked over at Klaus, who looked like an almost hilarious combination of furious, apologetic, and guilty. She almost snorted.
"So, Caroline," Esther said, as she finished up her entrée. "Tell me a little about yourself?"
Caroline dumbly looked around her, to see if she was the one being addressed. When she realised she was, she anxiously cleared her throat and began to speak.
"Well, I'm from Mystic Falls, Virginia," she began.
"Yes, yes," Esther said, tersely. "You were a star pupil, Miss Mystic Falls, head cheerleader, went to a good college, paid your own way through, and are now an event planner. I know your bio, Caroline. I want you to tell me why you think your common blood is good enough for my son."
"Mother," Klaus snarled.
"You do not have speaking rights, Niklaus. Caroline, kindly answer your question."
She looked helplessly around the table, as if she'd find someone to fight in her corner. But all the non-siblings were looking sympathetically at their food, and all the siblings were looking at her, very seriously, as though they, too, were very interested in her answer.
And then there was Klaus who was looking murderously at his mother.
"I'm not sure what sort of standards you want me to achieve, Mrs Mikaelson," Caroline said, trying to sound confident. "But I love your son, and if he thinks I'm good enough for him, then that should be good enough for you."
Esther raised her eyebrows, but her expression did not waver in the slightest, she just went back to her food.
After a few more minutes of eating in silence, the Mikaelson matriarch turned her attention to her third son.
"So, Niklaus," she began. "I just wondered whether you had got around to asking your little friend here the hard questions yet?"
Klaus looked almost as if his head were about to explode, "Mother, I swear to…"
"I only ask because I love you, my son. I just need you to check before you spend your money on a diamond, that you've made sure she has never self-raped her sin cave?"
Both Caroline and Klaus' mouths fell open, in absolute horror.
"Sin cave?" Caroline shrieked.
Had their eyes not been locked on Esther, whose expression was still as stony and unreadable as when they'd first entered the house, they would have realised that every other person sitting around the table was nearly drawing blood biting the insides of their cheeks, in efforts to try not to laugh.
"Mother," Klaus said, completely flabbergasted at what she had just said.
"Niklaus, we know your track record with women isn't stellar. And you have to know the hard truths before you make the hard decisions. Her fingers are for diamond rings, not for ringing the devil's doorbell."
As Esther finished he sentence, there was a snort from the other end of the table, as Henrik inhaled his half his water down the wrong hole. And suddenly, the rest of the family burst out laughing. Even Elijah and Finn, were chuckling along with the rest of them.
"April Fools!" they chorused, all still howling with laughter.
"Goodness, Mother," Kol gasped, clapping a still mildly choking Henrik on the back. "I honestly thought you'd be the one to slip up! Not Henrik! Spot on."
"What?" Klaus barked, fuming.
"Oh my dear, Caroline," Esther said, a wide, kind smile breaking over her face. "I am so sorry to put you through all that."
The woman rose from her seat at the end of the table, and walked over to the still shocked Caroline, pulling her in for a tight, warm hug.
"Honestly, Nik," Henrik giggled. "You chose to bring your girlfriend to meet us on April Fool's Day? Have you learned nothing from being in our family?"
"Yes, Niklaus," Esther said, retaking your seat. "I don't usually participate in your siblings' antics. But let this be a lesson to you. Do not make me wait five years between visits again. Or my revenge will be much sweeter than it was this evening."
"So, I take it my room isn't being renovated then?" Klaus asked, dryly.
"Not at all, in fact, I've already had your things moved from the guest room to your room."
"Brilliant," he spat sarcastically, as he sat back sulkily in his chair. "Bloody brilliant."
Caroline was still looking completely disorientated about what had happened, and Klaus looked at her helplessly, as the solemn mood that had been blanketed over the table since the middle of the soup fell away, and everyone began talking and laughing again.
"Welcome to the family, love," Klaus said, weakly.
HI guys. This is a drabble I wrote for Tumblr on April Fools' Day, and I forgot to post it here... It was inspired by the Christian Mother's Against Masturbation Facebook page. If you're against it, that's fine, and I totally understand. I have a actually friend who is very against it. But, I find the page funny because it kind of goes a little bit too far in it's whole hate of the thing. Hope you liked. Poor Carebear, being picked on by the Mikaelsons, but it would definitely make a funny story to tell later on in the relationship, wouldn't you say? Bye now!