Chapter Twenty-Six

The length of your recovery is determined by the extent of your injuries.

And it's not always successful. No matter how hard we work at it, some wounds might never fully heal.

You might have to adjust to a whole new way of living.

Things may have changed too rapidly to ever go back to what they were.

You might not even recognize yourself. It's like you haven't recovered anything at all.

You're a whole new person, with a whole new life.

- Meredith Grey; Grey's Anatomy

"Come on Julia! Hurry!" Kayleigh calls out to me quietly. I finish throwing the rest of my things in my backpack and hurry to join Kayleigh in the doorway of our room. We take our jackets off the hooks on the door, and put on our scarves and mittens, doing our best to try not to make any sound. It's nighttime and way past lights out. Kayleigh and I should be in bed, but we have other things in mind. The two of us are on our way to find Dr. Montgomery. Kayleigh has a cough, and this weird bruise on her back, that hurts whenever you touch it. When Kayleigh showed me the bruise earlier, I told her about Dr. Montgomery and how she can make everything better. Kayleigh suggested we go to the hospital I was at where I got shot and find here. So, that's where we are headed. The only thing is, I don't exactly know where we are. We aren't in the city, and the last time I drove away from the city was when I went to live with Jeff and Elizabeth and we had to take a ferryboat. I remember, that Peter and I didn't take a ferryboat to get here. I all knew is that the hospital was a really long ways away and that it was going to take all night for me and Kayleigh to walk there. Earlier, Kayleigh mumbled something about being in Long Island, but I have no idea where that is. I all know, is I think the hospital that Dr. Montgomery works at is in Manhattan because we used to live in a neighborhood outside of there before my mom got taken away. Once our winter stuff is on, we tiptoe out into the hallway and check to make sure the coast is clear. Then we run. We fly down the stairs, sneak past the check in table and to the main doors. We try to with all our might to push open the doors to the building, but the won't move. "They're locked, damnit!" Kayleigh shouts angrily and begins to kick the door. "This is so unfair!" Kayleigh slides down against the door and begins to cry. "I wanted Dr. Montgomery to make me better. You said she would make me better. You promised!" She yells at me. "She makes everybody better. She'll make you better," I promise. "If we can't find her, then my dad will make you better. He has superhero powers." "I want my mommy and daddy," Kayleigh cries into her knees. "I'm scared. I'm so scared." "It's okay," I hug Kayleigh trying to make her feel better. "If you talk to my daddy, he will make you better." "You really think so?" Kayleigh sniffles. I nod as my stomach feels empty. I decide to leave out the part where every since time I needed my superhero daddy, he never came and saved me. I just really hope this time he'll come and save Kayleigh. I really really really need him to. If I does, I'll forgive him for all the times that he never came to save me. If my daddy saves Kayleigh and fixes her to make things better, that means he won't be broken anymore. I really need him to not be broken anymore.

I don't think I'll ever be fully recovered from everything I've been though. But right now though, I'm pretty close. I mean, in the last little while, the people who have meat the most to me have shown up in my life. They've shown me, that I don't have to go though the recovery process alone. Derek, Addison, Aunt Amelia and Mark want me to get better just as much as I want too. Hopefully now that we've been though the rough patches and that everything is out in the open—for the most part anyways, we can move forward. The only way we can more forward is to let go of the past. We need to let go of what has happened over the last little while. The thing is though, letting go is harder then it's made out to be. In order to let go, you need to forgive. That's hard for me to do. How am I supposed to forgive everyone who has ever hurt me? How am I supposed to accomplish that? The task seems impossible. I feel as if I will never be able to complete it. But everything takes time. Letting go of something that's hurting you doesn't just happen in a blink of an eye. It's a process; it's kind of like the recovery process in away. Right now to me, the recovery process seems like a never-ending rollercoaster. I'm tired of the ups and downs. For once, I just want things to stay the same. I happy were I am right now. I'm happy being with Derek and Addison. For the first time in a long time I am finally happy. I finally got Aunt Amelia back. I am blessed. I am loved and that's the way I've always wanted things to be. That's the way I want it to stay. I don't want things to go back to the way they were when I got to Seattle the first time. I don't want to go back to being the person I used to be. I like the person I am now. Somehow, though I haven't recovered, I am different. I like being somebody different. I like being happy. It's weird for me to feel this way, because before I hated life. I hated everything about it. Now when I look around, I see things differently. It's not that I'm fully healed from everything that I've been though, I don't think I'll ever be. But, I'm slowly starting to get better. Now, the only thing I have left to do, the only thing I've ever wanted to do, is forget my past. Let's just say, that isn't going to be anytime soon.

Wind screeches through the cracks of the jet way, echoing the falling splashes of rain thumping above me. I move through the tunnel, following the rest of the passengers whom are coming off the airplane and eventually make it out into the actual airport. I look around for baggage claim signs, trying to figure out where I have to go next to get out of this maze. I yawn, widening my tired bloodshot sleepless eyes in an attempt to keep them open. Sleep hasn't been able to come easily for me over the last month. My nightmares have gotten much worst. It used to be that after I had a nightmare I'd awake but then be able to fall back to sleep myself. It's different now. My nightmares have basically turned into night terrors that suffocate me with evil. In my night terrors, I feel as if someone else is controlling me. It's as if they're writing a story of my life and I'm forced to follow their every command. Inside my night terrors, I feel so much more alive. Everything seems so much more real. Then, I find myself constantly falling, falling, falling into darkness and that's all I remember. I awake confused, frightened and often in a place that isn't my bed. My first night terror, which took place the first night at Aunt Amelia's, was the worst. I don't remember what happened. I just remember waking up in the bathtub of Aunt Amelia's apartment in a cold sweat with an empty, dead, hollow feeling inside. That feeling hasn't left me since. Since that night, sleeping hasn't been the number one priority on my list. I hoped now that I was back in Seattle; my night terrors would turn back into nightmares again. I really hoped they would because Addison and Derek don't have any clue as to what's been going on. Sure, they called Aunt Amelia constantly to make sure I was all right. Even though I wasn't, I reinsured them time after time I was. At the time, when I made the decision not to tell them, I had wanted them to spend our time apart trying to fix their marriage and not having to worry about me. That's partly the reason as to why I stopped sleeping. I figured if Aunt Amelia saw that my night terrors were getting worst, she would tell my parents.

I gulp down dry saliva nervously and take a step forward into the terminal and begin following the other passengers towards the baggage claim, the place where Derek and Addison said they would meet me.

Every single emotion has run through my head since I've stepped on the airplane earlier today. To be honest, I didn't think I would have looked forward to coming back to Seattle as much as I have been for the last week and even more since the phone call I shared with Derek and Addison last night. They had both agreed to take the day off work and promised they both be here to pick me up. Then, it was planned that we were going to go stop in the hospital, pick up Mark and the four of were going to go out for lunch. Derek and Addison also said they had a surprise for me waiting back at the trailer and I have been curious even since to what it may be.

Sure saying goodbye to Aunt Amelia was hard, but I've realized there are a million ways I can keep in touch with her and plus, since Derek and Addison are my parents, I have to go wherever they go. Sometimes, I just wish they'd both be my parents for real and sign some stupid paper saying it. There's still a little part of me that's scared they might leave.

Minutes later, my feet step excitedly onto the escalator, cranking my neck, my eyes on the lookout for my father and stepmother. I step off the escalator and into the baggage claim area, unsuccessfully being able to locate either of them. I let out an upsetting sigh, hoping that they were just running late and walk over to the baggage claim to collect my luggage.

While I was in Maine, Aunt Amelia had taken me on numerous shopping trips saying I was in desperate need of a wardrobe update. Despite my insists not to go, Aunt Amelia basically styled and bought me a whole new wardrobe and because of the piles of clothes I now owned, she also bought me new luggage. I had spent a large majority of the plane ride wondering how my things were going to fit in our tiny trailer on top of Derek and Addison's stuff. To finish everything off, Aunt Amelia bought me a brand new blackberry curve, demanding I keep her updated on Derek and Addison's marriage situation and of course my life. When I had left New York, Derek had promised me he and Addison would work things out. I really did hope things were better between the two of them now then they were when I left.

While I wait for the baggage carousel to start, I turn my phone on to five unread text messages. Four are from Aunt Amelia, wanting to know if I had gotten to Seattle safely. I quickly replied back to her and then checked my last message from Derek. According to the text message, both him and Addison got called into the hospital. One of his patients flew in suddenly from out of state and Addison has back-to-back surgery. Apparently Mark also is just finishing up a last minute surgery and since Meredith was on my father's service, she would be picking me up and taking me to the hospital to wait for them.

I growl, rather pissed off at this, grab my two bags harshly off the luggage carousel. I look around the baggage claim area one last time, looking for Meredith this time. She's not anywhere to be seen, so I make my way to the airport's exit to wait for her. Taking my phone back out of my pocket, I flop myself down onto my luggage and start kicking the back of my suite case with my heels as I continue to wait impatiently for her. Finally after twenty minutes of staring at the automatic doors in front of me, Meredith rushes through them.

"There you are!" Meredith greets me trying to catch her breath. "I'm taking it you got Derek's message right?"

I roll my eyes, annoyed. I mean, why else would I be sitting on top of my suite case waiting for her if I didn't. "You're late," I point out rather rudely. Let's face it; I never liked Meredith that much to begin with. Really, I'm more irritated with Derek and Addison then anything else. I'm beginning to think they never took the day off.

"Parking here is crazy," Meredith mumbles, trying to make up an excuse for her lateness. "I only found out last minute I had to pick you up. I was planning on scrubbing in on a craniotomy and not being on babysitting duty. Plus there's no way I'm paying for parking. I don't make enough as it is," Meredith complains as I push myself up off my suitcase. "Ready to go?"

I manage to roll my eyes again, reaching for my bags. "I've been ready for the last twenty minutes."

"Can't you just let it go?" Meredith eyes me aggravatingly and heads for the exit. "Besides, it's not like I chose to pick you up." She announces, beginning to walk faster.

I struggle with my suitcases trying to keep up to her. "I get your mad. But do you really have to go taking everything out on me? It's not my fault Derek and Addison would rather put work ahead of picking me up at the airport and seriously, are you still mad at me because I called you a bitch?"

"You called me more than a bitch," Meredith reminds me, as we continue to hurry across the parking lot.

"I had every right too," I defend myself. "I saw you topless on top of him. My father's married did you forget?"

"It takes two to play the game," Meredith mutters, after letting out a sigh of relief, as we finally approach her Jeep Cherokee, which she has parked at the opposite end of the parking lot.

Meredith unlocks the jeeps doors, while I throw my bags into the back and climb into the front seat beside her. I buckle my seatbelt and we begin the drive to Seattle Grace Hospital. When Janet and I had taken a cab from the airport, the last time I had taken a plane here, I didn't really pay attention to the length of the ride. I remember the ride to the hospital being long, but I wasn't sure how long. I just hope this time the drive doesn't take forever, especially with the way our conversation was going. I figured the only way to make this go faster, was to at least find some level of peace with the woman.

"Your right," I agree with her surprisingly. "You knew Derek was married. You could have said no. Why didn't you say no?" I question Meredith, unsure. I mean she could have stopped herself. She's right it takes two to play the game, but it only takes one person to stop the game from happening.

For a while, Meredith doesn't respond. She keeps her eyes on the road and then suddenly out of nowhere, she glances over at me. We stare at each other for a few seconds and it isn't until Meredith's eyes are back on the road again that I realize what the look means.

"Oh my god," I shout out quietly. "You're in love with him aren't you? You're in love with my father!" I shake my head, not wanting to believe it. Yet it had to be the only possible explanation for the affair.

"If it makes you feel any better, I didn't know he was married the first time we slept together. I didn't know Derek was going to end up being my attending. I didn't even know his name. He was just a guy at the bar and I was just a girl at the bar. I thought it was going to be a one-time thing. And then he was there and things let to another and-" Meredith tries to explain, attempting to make me feel better.

I cover my hands to my ears. Meredith's attempts weren't actually working. "I did not need to know that and it doesn't make me feel better." I snap at her. "Derek was married. He could have said no. Why didn't he say no?" I revise my question from earlier, trying to wrap my head around my father's perspective of things. My eyes widen as I realize that maybe the feelings between the two of them were neutral.

"If you didn't stop him and he didn't stop you, then he must have be, or must be…please don't tell me he's in love with you too. He can't be. I need him not to be. He's with Addison. I need him to love Addison." I croak, feeling tears from into my eyes. My stomach starts to feel upset as vomit forms with in it. My hands reach quickly towards my mouth, trying to keep the liquid inside.

Somehow, my wish for a long awaited family was slowly crashing down right before my eyes. This couldn't be happening. Things couldn't be worst then they were right now. I mean, unless you count me showing up at the hospital and finding Derek and Addison divorced.

"Do you need me to pull over?" Meredith cautions, slowing the car down. I manage to shake my head, knowing that if I were to say anything else, tears would start falling out of my eyes. The last thing I wanted was for this car ride to take any longer then it really needed to be.

"It doesn't matter," Meredith tells me as she glances over in my direction again. "Derek turned me down for Addison. Addison is his family. You're his family."

I look back too Meredith with more tears in my eyes. "I really really need this family." I whisper to her. I'm hoping maybe if she understands then she'll back off. "I finally have a family. I have a dad and a step-mom whom I might let be my mom someday. I want to like you. I would like you, if you stopped being in love with my father. I just really need this to work. It's not you. It's just that, it's always been Addison. I've always needed Addison. I'm afraid that if she were not with Derek anymore, then she wouldn't want me either. You can't keep sleeping with my dad because its hurting Addison and I need her. I just need her to be with my dad so she can be my mom."

"I'm sorry," Meredith apologizes. "I'll try my best to stay away. You can have your family. You can have Addison. I feel like she'd be a good mother." Meredith glances a sad smile at me.

I smile back rather shocked that she backed down so easily. "Me too." I acknowledge. "I feel like she would too."

Meredith turns her eyes back to the road while I rest my head against the window, watching the trees, which seem to be slowly passing by. I'm just really hoping Meredith says what she means.

Meredith finally pulls into the Seattle Grace parking lot. I wipe away some unnoticed tears and unbuckle my seat belt as Meredith turns off the jeep's engine. I run ahead of Meredith towards the hospital, not to worried about my bags, knowing I'll probably be getting them later anyway and besides, I'm anxious to see Addison and also to find Derek to confront him about this whole being in love with Meredith thing. It didn't occur to me until now that their feelings for each other may be neutral. It's true, I never really bothered to ask Derek the whole story about the situation between him and Meredith, but then again he never really mentioned it either. The only person who brought it up occasionally was Addison who had used the story to her defense in fights, when Derek would get on her case about Mark. I knew bit about the story from Frances but that was basically it. I remember, she had to me that Derek and slept with Meredith to get back at Addison for sleeping with Mark. I guess, that that's always what I had the assumption of. Even though, I'm pretty sure I already knew what Derek's answer was going to be, I didn't want to believe it and until I heard it from him, I refused to believe the truth.

I hurry through the electronic sliding doors and into a sterile, cooler environment. I shiver and tightly wrap my knitted cardigan around me while I wait impatiently for the elevator to arrive. The longer I wait, the more impatient I seem to get and the longer the elevator seems to take. I kick the elevator doors, frustrated and head in the direction the staircase is. I climb up the five storys of stairs and push open the heavy door, leading myself into the surgical ward.

My nose catches a big whiff of atanestheptic cleaner, along with the bloody, perfume, sweaty smell I so dearly missed. It's been almost two months since I've been here, and I've got to say, I've kind of missed the hecticness of the surgical ward. I notice the nurses whom happen to be over crowding the nurses station glance me rather noticeable death glares. I fiddle with my hair and look around me, trying to attempt to figure out why they were staring. I feel a finger poke into my side unexpectedly. The poke startles me as I sharply turn around to figure out whom the person is. Mark. Go figure.

"What'd you do this time?" I begin to interrogate him right off the bat, figuring the nurses were staring because of something he did. "Mark?"

"It's nice to see you too, Mini D," Mark jokes, half-heartedly.

"Really Mark," I torment, placing my hands on my hips. "What did you do?"

"The nurses are on strike," Mark answers me, unwillingly.

"On strike for what?" I command.

"It's grownup stuff, Mini D."

"Oh come on Mark," I whine, not wanting to deal with this nonsense on top of the Derek and Meredith stuff. "It's me you're talking to."

"That's the point." Mark replies, shuffling his feet. "It's you as in Derek's daughter. He thinks I'm telling you too much stuff that's unnecessary for you to know."

"He said that?" I raise my eyebrows unable to believe my father would have said something like that. Was he seriously trying to take on the protective role? "Well look around, my father isn't here is he. You can't leave the story at grownup stuff. I'm not stupid. In fact, I probably know more about grownup stuff than you. Spill the beans."

"You're lucky I can't say no to you, Mini D." Mark grins. "The nurses formed a group called Nurses United Against Mark Sloan—a.k.a me. There is…er how do I put it….unresolved sexual tension between them and uh…me. I've been trying to uh…er….get over Addison and uh well I ended up sleeping with a lot of nurses and now they all refuse to be on my service and basically hate me."

I burst out into a fit of giggles. Leave it to Mark. "You really screwed yourself over this time, didn't you Mark?" I say between gasps of air.

Mark, whom I'm guessing isn't really impressed at himself either, shakes his head and looks down to his feet. He's clearly upset.

"I missed you and your man-whore-ness," I admit after he doesn't respond. I lean towards him giving Mark another quick hug. I find it strange this Nurses Against Mark Sloan thing was bugging him. Normally Mark doesn't give a crap about these things. Not being able to perform surgery must suck, so I can't help but feel bad for him. Then again, I still find it hilarious. I can't help that either.

"I'm glad your back, Mini D. It's been boring around here with the nurses strike and Derek and Addison acting like a boring old married couple. Nothing's fun around here anymore." Mark sincerely tells me breaking the hug.

"It can't be that bad," I symphonize. "The drama around here can be entertaining at times, and you have Callie don't you?"

Mark nods, "Yes, there's Callie and the drama isn't always that amusing, especially if it's about you." The guilt in Mark's eyes changes to confusion as he takes a step back, studying my appearance. "There's something different about you Mini D," He acknowledges. "And I can't quiet figure out what it is." Mark's feet trace in a circle around me, his eyes go down to my small, newly developed breasts. Of course he had to notice them and not my very noticeable wardrobe update or my hair that has been newly styled, back to its original color—bringing my curls back to life. "Are those breasts Mini D?" He jokes as my face turns bright red.

"Mark!" I shriek in embarrassment. My arms quickly cross over one another attempting to hide them from view. "Like seriously? Ew. Like really really ew. I can't believe you just said that."

"What?" Mark shrugs. "I'm just stating the obvious. If you're really that embarrassed about how small your breasts are, I could give you an implant." Mark teases me.

"So not funny. I'm Derek's daughter…did you forget?" I remind Mark as to what he told me earlier.

"How could I Mini D?" Mark smirks at me. "And weren't you the one to say you knew more grownup stuff than me?"

I groan. "Do you know where Derek is?" I figure it's time to go find my father and confront him about Meredith. As much as I would love to stay and chat with Mark, he has definitely taken his man-whore-ness a bit to far this time. Right now, finding my father, is much more important than standing around talking about my boobs.

"He's up in the pediatrics wing, waiting for his consult to get in. Anxious to see him?" Mark eyebrows me.

"Oh yeah totally," I say sarcastically. I turn my back and start skipping towards the elevator. "I mean, just wait until I tell him you've been checking out my boobs." I call back to Mark, tossing my head around and sending him a quick wink. I think it's his turn to be embarrassed now.

"Mini D…I didn't mean it like—" Mark hollers out to me, trying to justify himself.

I let out a laugh, loud enough for him to hear it, look back out my shoulder, smiling at him one last time—to let Mark know I wasn't actually being serious or upset about the whole thing before I step into the elevator. The doors close, and the surgical ward quickly becomes out of view. Mark and I tease each other and joke about things all the time. It's come to a point where I never take half the things he says seriously anymore. It's not like I'm actually going tell Derek on him. I just wanted to see his face. That's all. It was defiantly worth it.

I step off the elevator and in the pediatrics ward, which was still exactly the same as the last time I was here—when I stayed during my burn. When Janet let me stay with Derek and Addison, she made them promise to take me to see a therapist. That didn't exactly happen and then well, we ended up going to New York. It feels weird to be back on this floor, especially when it's completely different from the surgical ward.

The overly bearing nurses and doctors smile at me while I charge through the halls searching for my father. It doesn't take me long to find him, hunched over a patients file at the wings nurses station. As I stomp loudly up to him, Derek's back stays turned, too absorbed in whatever patients file he's reading, so I reach out a tap him on the shoulder.

Derek closes the binder, places it on the nurses station and turns his body around to face me. "Mini D!" He smiles seeing me standing there. Derek reaches his arms out for a hug. A hug? Seriously? It's true I've missed both him and Addison. But I think this month apart has brought us all further away from each other. I don't think I'm at that stage yet to be freely giving my father hugs. I mean I'm not even ready to call Derek 'Dad' yet, well at least to his face anyways.

I give him a disgusted look.

"What's wrong?" Derek asks, taking a few steps backwards noticing the look on my face. "Is this about Addison and I not being able to pick you up at the airport? I apologize Mini D. I really do. We both feel incredibly awful. It's kind of a little late for lunch, but I was thinking, depending on what time my consult shows up, afterwards the three of us could go for supper and then—"

"I wanted you and Addison to come pick me up. You promised you'd come pick me up," I interrupt him, upsettingly. "I understand that you're a doctor and sometimes you have to miss out on things, but you could have came to get me. Your patient still isn't here yet. You had time. Instead I had to sit though an agonizing car ride with Meredith Grey, whom told me things about your relationship I didn't want to hear!"

"Like what?" Derek wonders, concerned.

I take a breath and decide to come right out and confront him since it was kind of too late to back out now. "Like you being in love with Meredith Grey!" I bellow as the peds wing becomes completely quiet. All eyes are on Derek and I.

Derek and I are now completely quiet too. I didn't mean for what I said to come out as loud as it did. It kind of slipped out. I have a habit of saying words before I think sometimes. Derek opens his mouth to say something, closes it and then stares blankly at me, unsure as to what to say.

"Why don't we go talk about this in office?" Derek offers, calmly and professionally.

"I don't think I want to talk to you right now," I snarl, turning my head away so Derek doesn't see the hurt in my eyes. "I don't think I want to talk to you ever." I add in, just to make our argument a bit more dramatic.

Everyone around us slowly begins to go back to their previous work and their level of chatter raises to what it was before. Derek and I just stay staring at each other, my feet glued to the spot I am standing in. Don't get me wrong, I am right now very tempted to run away, but for some reason I can't bring myself to do so.

"Julia," Derek starts, his voice breaking the awkward silence we share. "I understand your upset about this. You have to understand Meredith and I happened before Addison showed up here. Meredith and I happened before you showed up here."

"To save you from the pain of explaining everything to me, I already know what went down, Derek," I cut him off. "But you were married. You and Meredith happened while you were married and while I've been here as well. I saw her on top of you," I remind him again, in case he's forgotten.

Derek gives me a his famous sympathetic look.

"Dr. Shepherd your consult is here," Meredith's appears out of nowhere ruining mine and Derek's moment. She's back in her light blue scrubs and not the clothes she was in earlier when she picked me up from the airport. She smiles up at Derek, giving him this dreamy serious look, which makes me want to vomit. I clear my throat, making it visible to them that I'm still here.

"Oh right," Derek turns back to me. I find it kind of funny how easily he forgets about me. "We'll talk about this later Mini D," He firmly informs me.

I roll my eyes. "Whatever. You two go have your love affair. I'm going to find my stepmother."

Meredith looks awful offended towards what I just said and I can help but smirk. Somehow Meredith always chooses the worst moments to show up.

"Mini D," Derek warns, giving me this your going to get it look and follows Meredith into a hospital room on their left.

I glance into the room as I walk past on the way to the elevators. The hospital bed contains a blonde haired blue-eyed teenage girl with awful familiar facial features while her family sits in the chairs, which are scattered around the room. A young boy, whom I assume is her brother is too absorbed in his Nintendo DS game to notice my father, has entered the room. An overly tanned blonde hair brown eyed women stands up along with a tanned black haired man wearing a suit to greet Derek and Meredith. The girl, unplugs her headphones from her ears, says something to Derek and then distractedly looks out the glass window into the hospitals hallway, our eyes meeting. The girl's eyes break into a sparkle as she smiles and waves at me. I heart literally skips a beat. It's Kayleigh.