Chapter 26

Haley woke up with a start and didn't know where she was. She didn't recognize the bed she was in or the furniture in the room as her own. For a minute, she was completely disoriented. All she knew was that she hadn't slept well last night. She was stuck in the oddest dreams that didn't seem to end even when she'd woken up. They felt so real and…painful.

When the sleepy haze finally cleared from Haley's mind, the previous night's events came flooding back to her. She remembered kissing Nathan and feeling that connection they had, only for it to be ripped away when that stupid Renee woman had shown up. Haley remembered feeling a mixture of irritation and sadness when Nathan had gone out with her anyway.

She'd then gone over to Brooke's, needing a friend to confide in. Lindsey and Peyton were also there. Haley remembered getting into an argument with Peyton and telling her to back off, which had felt good. She was sick of the blonde interfering in Nathan's life. Haley had then proceeded to tell Brooke and Lindsey about Nathan's so-called non-date. It made her sick just thinking about it.

At the mention of feeling sick, Brooke, Lindsey, and even Peyton had started to ask Haley about her recent symptoms. What Haley had thought was the average flu turned out to be so much more. The pregnancy test had proved that. Haley felt so stupid for not even noticing what was happening to her own body. The nausea and inability to hold down a meal should've tipped her off to her condition.

Now that she knew for sure that she was pregnant, it was all Haley could think about. Her whole world was forever changed. A part of her was absolutely terrified. Aside from her career, everything else in Haley's life was so unstable. She and Nathan were not even close to resolving their issues. If anything, their relationship seemed to have taken a turn for the worst last night. Peyton and Deb were practically conspiring against her. And it's not like Haley had truly found her place again here in Tree Hill. She still had this feeling of being an outsider. What kind of mother would she be if she brought a child into that kind of hostile and unpredictable environment?

But then there was the other part of her. The part that saw past the fear and insecurity and couldn't help but feel that this baby was nothing short of a miracle. Haley believed in everything happening for a reason. If she was pregnant, then it's what was meant to be. She would never, ever forget what she'd been through in the past. That would stay with her for as long as she lived. But maybe this time things could be different. She would make sure that they were. Haley wasn't about to make the same mistake twice.

Haley got out of Brooke's bed and walked toward the kitchen where she could hear her friend shuffling things around. Haley was utterly exhausted after everything that had happened yesterday, and she hadn't felt comfortable facing Nathan yet. It was too much to take in all at once. Thankfully, Brooke had let her stay at her apartment for the night. Haley needed the extra time to let everything sink in and figure out what she should do next.

"Morning, sleepyhead," Brooke greeted. "I just finished making some breakfast. What do you want?"

Haley eyed the pancakes and scrambled eggs and felt her stomach growl. "Everything. I'm starving, actually."

Brooke laughed and made her a plate. "Well, you are eating for two now."

"Yeah," she replied with a small smile and took a seat at the kitchen table. Brooke placed the plate in front of her. "This looks delicious."

"Thanks. Breakfast foods are like the one thing I'm good at making—aside from salad."

"Unfortunately, I'll probably be seeing this again later."

"Don't worry about that. You have to eat. The baby needs nutrients."

Haley inhaled the scent of the pancakes and took a bite. Her eyes closed at the wonderful taste.

"There you go." Brooke poured her a glass of milk and sat down across from her.

"Thanks." She looked up from her breakfast and added, "And thank you for letting me stay here last night."

"No problem. I'm here whenever you need me, Tutor Girl. Or should I say Tutor Mom," she joked.

Haley swallowed another bite and remained quiet.

Brooke smiled sheepishly. "Sorry, did I freak you out? I'm sure you're still trying to get over the shock of it."

"No, you didn't freak me out. I am still shocked like you said, but it's not that either."

"Then what is it?"

"Well, I didn't sleep well last night—"

"I noticed with you tossing and turning most of the night," Brooke joked. She didn't have a guest room, so she and Haley had shared her king size bed for the night. It kind of reminded Haley of the sleepovers they used to have in high school.

"I had a lot of time to think about things," Haley continued. "I've decided that it's time to tell Nathan the truth about everything."

Brooke's eyes widened. "You do?"

"Yes. I keep wondering if maybe he wouldn't have gone out on that date if he knew where I was coming from."

"Haley, Nathan made a decision to go out with that bimbo. That is not your fault. Don't make excuses for him and place this on yourself."

"Believe me, I'm not. Nathan could've canceled, but he didn't. That tore me up inside, and I can't just let that go. All I'm saying, though, is that I think Nathan knowing what happened will change his perspective," Haley explained. "And I think I owe him the truth at this point. He's been left in the dark long enough. We'll never be able to move forward unless we're completely honest with each other."

"Are you going to tell him that you're pregnant?"

"Yes, I am," Haley replied with a nod. "I'm not going to lie; I'm terrified of what his reaction will be. I'm afraid he's going to think that I trapped him or that my being here is all for the baby. Things are so uncertain between us right now. But he deserves to know. I don't want to keep anymore secrets."

"You'll be fine, Tutor Girl," Brooke encouraged and gave her hand a squeeze. "If you tell the truth and just say what's in your heart, Nathan will understand." Haley shot Brooke a nervous look. "Well, if he doesn't understand right away, then he'll understand eventually. I'm sure it'll be a lot to take in."

Haley's stomach was getting queasy just thinking about her talk with Nathan. She honestly didn't know what kind of reaction to expect from him. Would he be sad? Angry? Hurt? Possibly happy? It could be all of the above. Most of all, Haley just wanted him to listen and see the real her. There would be no more hiding the past.

"Did he call you at all?"

"I don't know. I haven't had my phone on, and I'm not going to check it. Whatever he has to say, I'd rather hear it from him than a voicemail."

"Well, eat up, Tutor Girl," Brooke ordered. "You're going to need every ounce of strength you can get."

"That's for damn sure."

Haley took a moment to center herself before she entered the house. She'd spent the rest of the morning at Brooke's, trying to work up her courage to come home. This was going to be one of the hardest things she'd have to do since returning to Tree Hill. Haley didn't know how everything would turn out, which made it all the more nerve-wracking.

She opened the door and stepped inside. Nathan was sitting down on the couch before he quickly stood up. What first caught Haley's attention was how tired he looked. He must've gotten about as much sleep as she had. If you stared at his body, however, you wouldn't be able to tell. His face appeared worn, but the rest of him seemed tense and on edge.

"You didn't come home last night," he said. Haley could detect an undertone of worry in his voice. "I tried calling you."

"I was at Brooke's."

"Did you get my messages?"

"No. I didn't turn my phone on. I didn't really want to," she stated, meeting his gaze. "I wanted some time to myself."

Nathan glanced down at the ground before looking back up. "Haley, I'm really sorry. I know that I screwed up last night."

"Which part are you apologizing for? Is it the fact that you had a non-date planned and tried to hide it from me, or that you still went on the non-date after I found out? Or, you know, maybe you feel guilty for almost having sex with me right before," Haley added. "I'm a little confused."

"I'm sorry for all of it."

"Yeah, well, that's not good enough for me." Haley threw her purse on the loveseat and sat down. "I want to know why."

Nathan sat down on the other couch across from her. "Why what?"

"I want to know why you kept the date your mom and Peyton set up if you really didn't want to go on it."

"I told you. I went to be polite. She's new in town, and I was only supposed to show her around. It wasn't a date. Just because my mom and Peyton saw it as a date doesn't mean that I did."

"I think that's bullshit."

"What?"

"I think it's bullshit," Haley repeated, not backing down. "You could've stood up to Peyton and your mom if you really wanted to, but you didn't. No one forces Nathan Scott to do anything he doesn't want to. You don't know Renee, and you sure as hell don't owe her anything. I think the reason you went was to get back at me."

"No, it's not."

"Oh, yeah it is. Why else would you feel the need to hide it from me and then get all dressed up if it was no big deal? I think you knew what you were doing and felt guilty about it, so you thought that if you didn't tell me, then it wouldn't be as bad," she stated. "I mean, why else would you still go out with her even after I found out? You knew how much it hurt me to see you leave with her. You had to know."

"I still went because I had to set things straight with her before I could come home and talk to you. I asked Renee what exactly my mom and Peyton had told her about me," he explained. "Then I told her that I was still married, despite the crap Peyton and my mom had fed her, and that it couldn't be a date. I said I was helping her to be nice, not because I was interested in anything more."

"But you knew that by leaving the house with her it would hurt me."

"Haley—"

"I want the truth, Nathan," Haley demanded. "Because when you left, you didn't tell me what you were doing. I really thought that you were going out with her, which felt even worse considering just minutes prior your were practically using me for sex."

"I wasn't using you for sex," Nathan argued heatedly.

"But that's what it felt like."

"You mean like when you slept with me and then went running back to Andy? You don't think I felt like a little side fling before you ran off to have your happily ever after with him?"

"I knew what I'd done was wrong to both you and him. And I may have been confused at the time, but you weren't a fling to me. I wouldn't have slept with you if I didn't still love you."

"And I still love you. I would never use you for sex. Nothing has ever just been sex with us, Haley."

"If you love me so much, then why don't you start acting like it?" Haley challenged, her voice getting louder with every word. "I finally felt like we were making some headway this week and getting close again, and the next thing I know you're going out with another woman. If you truly loved me, then you wouldn't do that to me."

"God dammit, Haley, I have done nothing but try to prove myself to you ever since you came back!" Nathan shouted. "In case you've forgotten, you're the one who originally wanted the divorce. I did everything I could to get you to change your mind. It was you who was being stubborn and didn't want to hear it.

"I loved you. I put everything I had into getting you back. It was my heart that was on the line, and you didn't want it. So I signed the God damn papers and decided to let you go like you wanted me to. But then, surprise, you change your mind and decide that you do still want to be married. So now, all of a sudden, I'm just supposed to forget the fact that you rejected me and were willing to marry another man?

"Because I'm still not over it. I think about it every day, and it just eats away at me. I'm constantly wondering if this is for real. If Tree Hill is really where you want to be. If I'm the person you truly want to be with. I keep waiting and wondering if you're going to change your mind again. Because I know without a doubt in my mind that you were the only person that I ever wanted to be with. You were always the only one for me. So I'm sorry if I'm not moving fast enough for you, Haley. I guess I just can't quite keep up!"

Haley was speechless as she stared at Nathan. He was breathing heavily, and there was fire in his eyes. But what struck her most was the pain and vulnerability in his voice. It broke her heart to hear just how deep the scars of their past ran.

"You're right," Haley said after a minute.

"What?" He seemed surprised at her reply.

"You're right. I haven't given you many reasons to trust in me—or us," she murmured. Sure, Haley had returned to Tree Hill. But it didn't erase all of the other times she'd changed her mind and decided to leave Nathan behind. He didn't know where she was coming from or why she did what she did. All he saw was a wife who didn't want him, which was the complete opposite of the truth.

Now was the time to tell him everything. He needed to know how she really felt.

"Do you remember the day after I got drunk at Tric? You took me out, and we went to the Market Street Dock."

"Yeah, I remember," he replied.

"You told me how sorry you were for driving me away. I didn't know what you were feeling when I said I wanted to go on the tour or why you gave me that ultimatum. I didn't even really want you to bring it up that day at the docks," she explained.

"I don't understand." He was confused about where this conversation was going.

"My point is that as painful as it was to hear, I still needed to hear it. It helped me to understand why you did what you did." Haley paused to collect her thoughts and build up the courage to continue. "It's time that I told you what really happened after I left Tree Hill. And it involves my accident."

Nathan gestured for her to go on. He was hanging on to her every word.

Haley could feel her eyes watering before she even began. "All of my life I'd been in the background. I was known as the youngest James sister or Lucas's best friend. Then I became known as your wife. And while I loved all of those roles, I never had anything that was just mine.

"Music changed that. It felt good to play my songs and see people loving them and singing along. I loved that people were finally noticing me for my own talent. I felt independent in a way that I'd never really felt before. So when I got the chance to go on tour, I knew couldn't pass it up. Since you were the one who encouraged me to pursue my music, I thought that you'd have been thrilled for me.

"But you weren't. I had no idea that you felt like you were losing me. I didn't see it that way at all. I felt like I was finally finding myself and thought that you were there with me every step of the way. So when you gave me that ultimatum, I was shocked and hurt. I didn't understand why you wanted me to pass up such an amazing opportunity. I thought I'd had your support.

"Then I thought that maybe you'd grown jealous and were trying to hold me back. Your father had always drilled into your head that you were a basketball star. I wondered if maybe you wanted to be the only one who got attention. The thought made me furious, and I became stubborn. So I did what I wanted, and I went on tour anyway.

"You probably didn't think so at the time, but walking out that door was the hardest thing I ever had to do. It nearly killed me. I loved you so much, and I didn't want to turn my back on our marriage. But then I'd tell myself that you turned your back on me first. You're the one who made me choose. I didn't think you had that side to you and wasn't sure if I could stay with someone who didn't want to see me succeed."

"It was never about the attention or success, Hales," Nathan interrupted. "I just didn't want to lose you."

"I know that now. But back then I didn't, so I left. I thought my love for music would be enough to fill the hole in my heart at losing you. I quickly learned that it couldn't. I loved the tour and playing my songs for thousands of cheering fans every night. But once I got off the stage, the high was gone. I'd feel so depressed and empty inside. I felt like I was actually losing myself instead of finding it.

"It made me so stressed. I'd work myself up so much sometimes that I'd make myself physically sick. It only got worse. I couldn't eat and started losing weight. My manager and friends on tour were getting concerned. When we were in New York for a show, I hit my breaking point.

"We were playing in this club, and Jared, another musician, did this cover of an eighties song called 'Missing You.' Everyone starts singing along; the crowd is loving it. Then they turn the house lights on. And I could see every face out there. And I…fell apart—onstage in front of three thousand people. I lost it. I couldn't sing. I couldn't hear the music. Nothing.

"Because that was the moment that I knew that none of it could ever be enough without you. All of the celebrity and all of the applause and all of the pretty melodies couldn't fill your void in my heart. That was the moment I decided to leave." Haley met Nathan's gaze. "I was going to come home, Nathan."

Nathan looked floored. "You were?"

"The record company wanted to sign me and produce an album, but I didn't want any of it. All I could think about was getting home to you. I couldn't stand one more day of it. So I went back to my hotel that night to pack my bags and…" she trailed off as a tear finally escaped.

"That's when the accident happened," he realized.

"Yeah. I was crossing the street when this taxi came barreling around the corner. I guess the driver tried to break, but it was too late. Nothing could've stopped him from hitting me. All I remember seeing are these blinding headlights," she explained. "I didn't find out until later that he was drunk."

Nathan reached out and took her hand. "Haley," he said softly. She could see that it was just as difficult for him to hear her story as it was for her to tell it.

"The next time I woke up was in the hospital. I had bruises everywhere, and my leg and a few ribs were broken. I hit my head pretty hard, and I guess I was unconscious for a couple of days. It was awful."

"I'm so sorry, Haley." He squeezed her hand.

"There's more, Nathan. Something that I've never told anyone else—aside from Quinn and Brooke recently," Haley stated through her tears. She was trying so hard to keep it together.

"What is it?" He seemed anxious.

"I was pregnant." She watched as his face contorted in a mixture of shock and horror. "I had no idea until the doctors told me. But by then it was too late. They'd told me I lost it in the accident."

"Y-you were pregnant?" Nathan choked out, still trying to process it. "How far along were you?"

"Six weeks."

He rubbed his face with his hand. "God."

"The tour was so chaotic. We were always on the move. I knew that I'd been feeling sick, but I thought it was because of the stress and being away from you and everyone else. I had no idea that I was carrying our child."

The irony of her not knowing about her pregnancy then was not lost on Haley now. Instinctively, she put her hand on her stomach. She would be damned if she let history repeat itself.

"That's why you didn't come home." It wasn't a question, but a statement of fact.

"I was so ashamed, Nathan. You have no idea. I felt like it was all my fault. If I had never gone on tour, then I never would've been in that accident. And if I'd never had that accident, then we would've been together, and our baby would've been fine," Haley cried. "After what I'd done, I couldn't come home. I didn't deserve to come home, and I didn't deserve you."

Nathan pulled his hand away from hers. "It wasn't your fault, Haley. I would never think that. But what bothers me is the fact that you thought I didn't have a right to know." He sounded angry and looked as if he was blinking back his own tears. "That was my child, too, Haley. You should've told me."

"I couldn't face you, Nathan."

"You should've trusted me enough to tell me, Haley!" he exclaimed.

"Trusting you was never the issue. That's what I'm trying to get through to you. It was never about you. I couldn't trust in myself. Not in the condition I was in—both mentally and physically. I was already depressed about our separation before I found that out," she explained. "I was out of my mind with grief once I heard about the baby. I didn't want to put you through that, too. I lost our baby, and I thought that it was my burden to bear. I realize now that I was wrong, but I wanted to protect you. And it seemed like the only thing you needed protection from at the time was me."

"I guess not much has changed then, has it?" Nathan retorted. "Because not only did you punish yourself, but you punished me in the process. God, Haley!"

Haley flinched at his words. She was petrified to tell him the rest. Nathan was already furious. She didn't want him to find out about her current pregnancy when he was in this kind of a mood. But if Haley had learned anything from their past, it was that hiding the truth always caused more problems.

"Nathan, I know that you're angry. You have every right to be. It's a lot to take in. But there's something else that I have to tell you, and I need you to just calm down. Please," she urged and tried to wipe the rest of her tears away.

"There's more? Great. Just great. Next you're going to tell me that Dan fathered another child, and you just miraculously met my new half-sibling in New York," he remarked sarcastically.

"Nathan, please, this is really serious. I'm nervous as it is to tell you, and you're not helping."

"Fine." He sat back and folded his arms. "Go ahead. Lay it on me."

Haley bit her lip at the challenging look on his face. It was like he was daring her to top what she'd just told him. "I'm…" She took a deep breath. It was taking every ounce of strength to keep her voice from shaking like the rest of her body. "I'm pregnant."

Nathan's eyebrows rose as his eyes widened. It took him a minute or so to speak. "Huh? I don't understand. You told me you were pregnant and lost the baby."

"I know. That did happen, but it's not what I'm saying. I'm talking about the present. I'm pregnant—right now."

He glanced down at the hand that was still on her stomach. "'Right now' as in…"

"As in now," Haley repeated.

"That's not possible."

"Yes, it is."

"We haven't had sex. I mean, we did but we—are you sure?"

"Yes. I have all of the symptoms, and I took a pregnancy test. It came out positive."

"Can't you sometimes get a false positive?"

"Yes, but it's not that. I know I'm pregnant. "

"How do you know?"

"Because I'm nauseous all of the time, I can't eat, I'm tired, and I all of a sudden have this weird craving for ice cream and peanut butter," Haley listed off.

Nathan ran an agitated hand through his hair. "How the hell could this happen? Aren't you on birth control?"

"No."

"Why the hell not?"

"Because contrary to what you were thinking, I wasn't sleeping with Andy," she bit back.

"So you knew that there was a chance of this happening when we were together?"

"There is a chance of it happening any time you have sex."

"But you knew you weren't on birth control, Haley. What did you think was going to happen?"

"The only thing I could think about at the time was being with my husband. It's been a while since I've had to worry about things like this, and it's not like I planned it." She added, "And it takes two, guy-without-a-condom. If you were so worried, then why didn't you stop us that night and make sure?"

"Because it didn't cross my mind either!" Nathan exclaimed, putting his head in his hands. "God, this is the last thing we need."

"Thanks, Nathan. That's such a nice thing to say. I feel so much better."

"What do you want me to say, Haley? You tell me all of this stuff about the accident and losing the other baby, and then you spring the fact that you're pregnant again on top of it. How am I supposed to handle this?"

"I told you, because I didn't want to keep anymore secrets from you. And I'd hoped your first reaction would be something other than feeling burdened. Because even though our lives are pretty much a mess and it is probably the worst possible time for this to have happened, that's not how I felt when I found out about this baby."

"And just how long have you known, Haley?"

"I only found out last night. What?" she demanded when he scoffed.

"You had to have known."

"No, I really didn't know, Nathan. I've been a little distracted lately with everything that's been going on. I thought that the stress was what was wearing me down and making me sick." He still didn't look like he believed her. "What reason would I have for lying?"

"I don't know. You tell me."

"If you're thinking that I see this baby as an excuse for us to get back together, then you're wrong. I'm not trying to trap you. I'm not that desperate, Nathan," she retorted, offended that he would ever think that. "I would never use my own child as some kind of pawn. And if you think that I could ever do that, then our problems are even bigger than I thought."

Nathan shook his head and sighed. "I can't…I can't be here right now. I have to go. I have to think about all of this."

"No, you stay. I'll go," Haley said and stood up.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to my room to lie down. I'm feeling sick again." Nathan didn't stop her or say anything, and Haley was glad. She just wanted to be alone. She could feel a whole new wave of tears coming on. Telling Nathan the truth had taken a lot of out of her, and Haley didn't want him to see her crying again.

She entered her room and locked the door behind her. Afterward, Haley collapsed onto her bed. She curled up in a ball and closed her eyes, trying to imagine a time in her life when everything made sense and she was truly happy.

The image didn't last long as the sound of the front door slamming shut resonated throughout the tiny house, bringing her back to reality.