Don't own South Park, Bewitched or Keeping up with the Kardashians...
Enjoy y'all...
Tweek's POV: It has been a really crazy few months, ever since that Pepsi commercial aired Mr Garrison has become quite the local celebrity... Not that he wasn't before of course but now he can at least claim that he has been on TV... Well he's been on TV a few times but never to this extent...
Me and Craig were just casually going about our lives, which is very difficult when you live in a tiny little nowhere town like South Park... Ever since we went back in time I feel as though our relationship is everyone else's business. Which sucks to no end... Not that I mind people knowing it's just now we always have Cartman poking around in our business...
I was sat on my bed brushing my hair, it was 7:15AM exactly.. I hate having to get up for school but even when your a Witch I suppose you need an education... Ever since we all started middle school things have really changed.. Garrison of course wanted the job of teaching 7th grade... If he claims to hate us all so much I really don't get why he persistently wants to be involved in our lives.. I mean it is really so crazy and fucked up it is inconceivable... As for the 6th grade graduation dance I'm not even gonna go there... Needless to say Cartman and Butters made a complete ass of theirselves.. They both spiked the apple juice hoping to get everyone drunk... Unfortunately however Butters forgot almost 2 litres of vodka was in the apple juice bowl and all I can say is Eric Cartman didn't come to school for a few weeks after the sound telling off Butters gave him...
On the subject of Butters; see I don't even know where to begin... Think Tara Reid but she's getting paid for it... Every Saturday and Sunday without fail you'd be able to see the Stotch boy stood on the highway leading out of town.. Selling his flesh to keep money flowing into Cartman's pocket... Not to mention the 25 other girls under Cartman's employ...
It quickly became known as 'The Hooker Highway', just another little thing that puts the reputation of our town in the gutter... Butters was now also a drug addict... Cartman made no effort to hide the fact he got Butters super addicted to cocaine... Now the underweight blonde had to work for Cartman to feed his addiction... It was sad really, not that Linda and Chris Stotch would do anything; I mean they would be the ultimate outcasts if they took their son to rehab... I mean the general pattern in South Park is you fuck up, fall on hard times and maybe make a re-appearance a few years later... I mean that's the way it's always been.. And without a doubt that's the way it always will be...
For an update on me and Craig nothing had really happened, we just had sex like it was going out of fashion... We went on some pretty crazy trips.. I mean for someone who doesn't want me to use witchcraft he sure likes using it for his own ends.. Only last week we were in 1972 conversing with Edie Sedgwick... It's true what they say she would have needed at least 6 hours to get such an elaborately made up face... Craig just had a real thing about going to exotic countries or making the occasional sojourn back through the centuries...
To put it mildly he said he wanted to go back to the 14th century and see some of the crazy customs... Needless to say the only customs we saw were acts of complete religious devoutism... Well devout religious acts and countless women being treated like garbage... Thank god for suffragism is all I can say...
Speaking of the noirette, I haven't seen him in a while... Well not since last week... Unfortunately Mrs Tucker caught me with her son's dick in my mouth so yeah... Preeetyy awkward to say the least.. I mean shit yeah everyone in town knows but it's still embarrasing! I DONT WANT AN ONLINE VIDEO LIKE PARIS HILTON MAN! TOO MUCH PRESSURE!
He was still ordering a lot of weed off Kenny McCormick; In all fairness drug dealing and womanising are the only two talents the charming blonde possessed...
But now Kenny had competition.. Cartman was now selling cocaine and heroin mixed together as a speedball for more than 50% less than the usual street price...
All I could say was those many out of town girls and Butters were completely hooked... Only last week in class Butters freaked out and ran from the room he said he needed his 'milk'... Of course we all thought he was on about you know.. That other kind of milk.. Sadly however he was on about the most disgusting thing to hit the streets ever...
I mean you could practically see the deteoriation right before your eyes.. It wasn't long before Butters started coming into school in the same clothes he wore on the Hooker's Highway...
Cartman of course was pleased with his work, not only was he shelling out a dangerous cocktail of drugs, he was also exploiting the flesh of the youth for a great profit...
I mean seriously that guy just has no reservations what so ever... His mother, Lianne has done nothing to try and stop his warpath...
Soon more and more girls started flocking to South Park.. Desperate to hear the word of the Socialist Angelism Alliance.. Truth was though that church was a load of crap... Cartman would just vent noxious fumes into the trailer in his yard, and as soon as the girls had had enough of his beatings and rapes they would agree to work for him...
I mean on some level Cartman's church was a church... After you were brainwashed into selling your flesh for him... I mean only last week I saw Butters being thrown from a moving car.. Countless dollar bills flying around his cracked broken body... I'm so glad my parents actually care about me enough to get me out of that sort of situation...
I suddenly was distracted from my thoughts by a text... "Hey pornstar! :) Mom's still kinda pissed but you should come see me beautiful, C.' Was all it read...
'Fuck you Tucker it was your idea.' I texted back... Damn he's annoying sometimes! Erghh! God it really pisses me off how he makes me feel sometimes 'Haha you were the one on bended knee honey! Gave Kim K a run for her money..' He texted back...
'Uh huh honey ;) xx haha come c me after skwl Craig i'll show you a thing or two.' I texted back, I'm kinda awkward at the whole flirting thing but it sounded alright to me...
He didn't text back after that... It was obvious he was getting ready to walk to school... Suddenly I heard a crash outside my room...
Tavian; great just what I need right now... "Hey cuz! Just thought id drop in! What's his name here?" He greeted...
"No C.R.A.I.G isn't here.." I said, spelling Craig's name out... Tavian and Aunt Betty don't like Craig that much and will find any chance to spite him...
"Tweek I need a favour... If my mom calls here just say I'm not here... I need to hide out... I kinda made a huge fool of myself in Jersey City and yeahh.." Tavian droned...
"Dude you can hide out somewhere else! I gotta go to school!" I replied... I didn't much fancy having to be my mischevious cousin's babysitter for the day...
"Look please cuz! Just for today! Just let me hide out here for a while... I swear to god i'll be gone by 6:30.." He begged.. Well I suppose blood is thicker than water and alll...
"Okay fine! Just don't break anything or curse anyone!" I ordered... I went down the stairs and out through the door...
It was a very long boring walk to school.. I saw Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman.. They suggest I join them so I thought sure why the hell not...
We weren't walking for 5 minutes when suddenly Cartman was accosted by Butters.. Holy shit he looks like a cross between Joan Van Ark and Gollum right now...
"Eric! I can make you feel good! I need the milk honey! I'm good for two fiddy!" Butters anxiously mumbled... "Get the fuck away from me you crack hoe!" Cartman ordered...
"Get back on the highway and make me some god damn money.. Or perhaps I could call up your Dad?" Cartman threatened...
"OHH HAMBURGERS! I'm sorry Eric! Please don't call my dad!" Butters begged... He now had a whole load of hideous tracklines going up both his arms... How the hell he can walk around with no shame I will never know... I mean if I was addicted to heroin and on the game I wouldn't want anyone to know about it...
I mean those two things are so taboo it is unreal... Maybe in about 20 to 30 years it will be completely normal... Hell I'm suprised how half of South Park isn't doing it...
Give Cartman about 5 years and I can guarantee you most of the 16 year old girls in this town will be hooked on it...
Butters suddenly ran off, he made no effort to even bother to come to school now, he was far too hooked on the elusive yet fatal numbness of the poppy...
I mean every day he was stood out on that highway, Surely within a while he will be in the obituaries.. Hooking is dangerous enough anywhere let alone in South Park...
Most of the weirdos are out during the daytime but when your out on that highway in the pitch darkness survival is pure luck...
I don't even know where Cartman can get heroin from... I mean we're up in the Colorado Rockies... And Cartman aint exactly the travelling type.. I mean the three biggest hubs in the US for heroin distribution are Detroit, Dallas and San Antonio.. And I doubt Cartman ever has the time to take a road trip out of state...
As I got into school Craig looked real suprised I walked there with those guys... "Soo those guys leading you astray again I see?" He asked plainly...
"God I was just walking to school man! Don't I deserve like a hug or something?" I replied without much thought.. Damn I sounded real jerky...
"Haha you deserve way more than a hug... But seeing as how Garrison is still our teacher I think I'll pass for the time being.." Craig giggled...
As we walked into class, as for every previous year Garrison was completely wasted.. The abscence of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West was one that truly suprised everyone in the class.. Garrison could never be seen without the rapper and reality star...
"Damn bitches! I gave them everything! I did a commercial for Pepsi! I dont even like Pepsi! Long live Sprite!" Garrison ranted...
"I mean holy shit children... All I ever done for that Kim Kardashian was treat her nice and spend my god damn paycheck on the beer!" Garrison continued...
"Sooo Mr Garrison.. Maybe you need a bit of light relief? I'll give you Butters for $100 straight up cash.." Cartman ranted...
"Haha no way Eric... I ain't taking that sort of risk... Not again at least... I spent 10 years in god damn jail! Practically missed an entire decade..." Garrison laughed...
He seemed real casual about the fact he got sent to prison for interfering with a minor...
"There aint no risk Herb... $100 and that dumb hoe can satisfy all your fantasies.." Cartman replied, desperate to make a bit of extra cash.. It was no secret Cartman wanted a PS4.. Yeah he had an Xbox One but this is Cartman we're talking about...
"I'll have to pass Eric... Besides I can get my own hooker!" Garrison huffed...
"Anyway children! Today we're going to be learning about why without a doubt; Kim Kardashian is a bitch.." Garrison seethed, only last week he was kissing her ass and now she is sin incarnate... "Mr Garrison last week you were her best friend.." Clyde pointed out...
"Yeah well last week I was buying all the god damn beer! I mean seriously that bitch is ritch! When is anyone gonna buy me some god damn vodka!" Garrison complained...
Suddenly speak of the devil who should enter the class but Kim Kardashian.. Seems she had dyed her hair back to it's natural black colour... She also had her baby on her hip.. She was completely wasted...
"Mr Gaaarisooon! Oh my god! Honey I'm so sorry me and Kanye haven't called in a while!" Kim droned... Her eyes were veiled by the look of drunken chaos...
"Well I'm sorry Kim but I'm a man of my word.. Children throw whatever you can at this dumb bitch... You get extra points if you kill the baby.." Garrison huffed...
We just all looked at Garrison as though he was completely mad... "God damn it! Do I gotta do everything myself?" Garrison ranted... Suddenly he lunged Jerry Springer style at Kim, punching her so hard in the face 2 of her teeth fell out... The baby fell over her crumpled mother...
"You crazy asshole! I'm telling my Mom! I got you a Pepsi Commercial and this is how you repay me? NO ONE FUCKS WITH KIM K!" Kim ranted...
Suddenly she wiped the blood from her mouth, picked up her child and walked from the room... "Yeah that's right you Albanian whore! Get the fuck out of my class!" Garrison bellowed.. Suddenly Kanye West came barging in.. "You hit my bitch man? I'm the only nigga who gon hit that bitch!" West shouted... "DON'T YOU FRONT UP TO ME! YOU DIRTY NIGGER!" Garrison barked... Then suddenly the two of them broke out in a vicious fight... In the end Kanye West won, beating Mr Garrison to a pulp...
"Dumb fuckin' redneck! Ain't nobody gon hit mah bitch!" West ranted, spitting on Garrison as he left the room...
All this crazy shit just happened and it's only 10:30... I just looked at Craig and the look he threw back at me completely summed up the situation.. It was a look that said WTF, OMG and FUBAR all at the same time...
At lunch I sat with Craig, Clyde, Token and Jimmy... The topics of conversation were rather dull and boring so I decided to tune out...
Within a while Garrison was summoned to the Park County police station... Apparently Kim had flown out her lawyer from Los Angeles and wanted to sue Garrison...
Only last week they were the best of friends and now they were bitter enemies... The trial is due for next week and it's gonna be televised... But I'm sure you already knew that.. I mean I doubt any of the Kardashians take a shit without filming it and putting it on E! or Instagram...
"I ain't done nothing god damnit! She's lying! Armenian people don't have front teeth anyway!" Garrison ranted, as he was being dragged away...
Just another day of craziness in South Park... At least Herbert Garrison finally got what was coming to him... If they put him away I will literally cry diamonds...
After school I decided to go round to Craig's house... His folks just got the welfare payment so needless to say they would be at the bar till closing time...
"Damn I just wanna fuck you man.." Craig muttered as soon as we got in the house.. Shit I aint no one to complain I'm horny as shit as well... But me I love the whole playing hard to get thing, I mean come on you need to have at least one vice...
"Cook me some dinner and I'll think about it..." I giggled... I loved playing him up like that, it was amusing to say the least...
"Haha suck my dick then I'll cook you the Thanksgiving Special honey.." Craig laughed... Seems like I'd better get to work as I am fricken starving...
We went upstairs and as soon as the door was shut and bolted, my clothes were violently removed from my body... Damn he knows what I like...
And then I was confronted with that huge dick of his... How the hell I haven't died from internal bleeding I will never know...
I put it in my mouth and needless to say Ol Tucker was real happy bout that notion... "Ohh yeah Tweekers... Fuck yeaah!" He moaned...
I didn't even have it in my mouth for 5 minutes when he demanded i pull it out and jerk him off... I wanna be a good boyfriend so yeah aint nothing too wrong with that...
Well if you count getting jizz in your face as 'nothing too wrong'... Eww great my face smells like salmon now; thanks alot Craig...
"How about you snap those fingers? I need a bit more satisfaction!" Craig giggled... So I snapped my fingers together and just like that he had an erection again...
I seriously need to make a note to talk to a Viagra company.. If people liked and respected Witches I could make a whole lot of moola...
"You fucking want it dont you? You dirty little bitch.." Craig muttered, looking at me with a dark predatory look in his eyes.. Ooft god it drives me wild!
"I sure do.. How about you suck my dick for a while? Or do you fancy being an Alpaca for the rest of the day?" I joked, giggling as I finished my sentence...
Craig took my sarcasm with a pinch of salt and just like that my dick was in his mouth... MMmn god damn that feels nice.. I can just feel the pressures of the day just melting away...
Before I could recite my ABC's I reached my climax... Craig spat out said cum on the carpet.. Ahh so that's what all those murky stains are... Gotta remember to wear socks when I stay around here...
I spread my legs, waiting for him to make my absoloution happen... And then just like that I was being skewered... "Ooh yeah! Fuck me! Fuck me!" I heard myself yelling...
"Yeah you like being punished don't ya Blondie?" Craig asked... It was a rhetorical question because Yeahh I sure loved being plowed...
I went on for quite a while.. Every time Craig came I'd just snap my fingers and we'd be at it again... When the sky started to get dark I was only starting to realise how sore I was getting... "Craig can we stop after this? I am seriously in pain right now haha.." I giggled... Not a very funny situation but yeah...
"Soon as I cum sure yeah!" Craig wheezed, haha damn doesn't half make me feel like a sex symbol knowing I do that to him...
Everyone else thinks I'm weird and crazy looking but to Craig I know I can eclipse Angelina Jolie in terms of sexiness...
"Well hurry up Tucker, I'm hungry and I wanna go on Facebook!" I demanded... Sadly though it seemed Craig could last just as long on his own...
He applied some more lube and I had to put up with another 10 or 15 minutes of rough plowing...
When he came I swear to God I thanked Jesus.. Not because I didn't like it but because when you've got someone as well endowed as that inside you; well that's self explanatory basically...
We just lay there for the rest of the night, flirting with each other and discussing our dreams... It seemed like at that moment we were both the most important people in the universe.. We had nothing to worry about because we had each other.. And that was all that mattered..
When I first saw him I was afarid to talk to him When I first talked to him I was afraid to like him When I first liked him I was afarid to love him Now that I love him I'm afraid to lose him
It was at this time that I remembered some choice words of wisdom my mom told me.. Love is not a word to say , Love is not a game to play , Love doesn't start in April and finish in May, Love is yesterday, tomorrow and today.
I'd never really understood the significance of those words until this exact precise moment.. I mean yeah this isn't the most romantic situation.. Lying in a pool of semen with a red raw ass but still I wouldn't have it any other way...
I'd never ever wanna feel this way with anyone else... I mean I would go frickin crazy if someone tried to take Craig away from me.. I'm talking like Cartman crazy, it's true I honestly would... I love that guy so much it's unreal...
"Can this be forever?" I found myself asking... "Tweekers so long as I'm with you I don't even know what forever is.." Craig replied.. I couldn't help but feel real gushy and emotional at that statement... I seriously thought I was gonna break down crying like my Mom when she watches home movies...
Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.. And I know for a fact that I love Craig Tucker so deeply it's almost an obsession... I could compare it to how Butters feels about his drugs... Craig Tucker is my heroin and I go cold turkey if we're apart for more than 5 minutes...
Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up. And I had definitely grown in this whole process...
I'd learned that I was so deeply in love that I would be destroyed if I ever lost it... I mean my Aunt and Cousin must think I'm mad going so gushy over a mortal...
But I don't care because I know for a fact us two are genuinely meant to be together... Fate crosses a lot of people and we were two of those people...
I run blindly through the madhouse ... And I cannot even pray ... For I have no God.. Even if I did have God he wouldn't really agree with me practising witchcraft...
I have lost the faculty of enjoying their madness, and I am too idle to wait for something more intense...
All i knew deep in my heart of hearts was that I belonged to Craig, and he belonged to me... That was the way it always had been.. And the way I always hoped it will be...
A:N/ Butters on smack? Kardashian v Garrison? (Shame I was so enjoying their frolicking)... What else could possibly happen? Are God and Intergalactic Space Aliens gonna get involved? Maybe?
Find out next time my darlings
Lots of love,
Sally xoxoxo