Chap. 26 August 30th.

APOV.

The book goes to one of the drawers and I turn on my computer to check my schedule, I need to cancel the meetings with the authors. There is a reminder, a session with Dr. Greene this afternoon. Should I cancel that? No, maybe she can help me with the nightmares, some tips to avoid them.

My phone buzzes, it's a message from Kate.

-Airplane with Elliot ;) Back in 3 days. x

Elliot is going to Barbados with her. Mm, she is honeymooning too, I hope she talks to him, or maybe she already did and that's why… Who knows, all this is so un-Kate. Told you, Katherine Kavanagh, never say never.

-Enjoy, don't forget you are working too. x

There is an e-mail from SIP, from Elizabeth, they are inviting me to have lunch with them and it's almost noon. I write a quick reply accepting and then cancel my meetings with the authors. To share some time with those women is an opportunity I won't lose, I like them.

What now? Ah, of course…

-Hi. I need to go out, lunch at SIP. Please tell Taylor. Missing you x

After the message, almost immediately, my phone starts ringing. I roll my eyes, who could possibly be?

-Hi, Christian.

+Is it mandatory?

-Yes. Could you send me Taylor's phone number, please?

Silence.

+I'll send him.

-Are you alright?

Silence again.

+I'm just worried. I'd go with you but I need to make sure everything is under control before we leave.

Hmm, under control. I prefer the Company under control and not me.

-When?

+Tomorrow, early in the morning.

Looking at the star chart in front of me, I realize I miss my butterfly. I feel like the flower he said I'm, craving the joy of sharing my sweet nectar with him. There are carnivorous flowers, you know? Yes, I dream about them eating a certain annoying cricket. You just saw him three hours ago. Still, I miss him.

-Are you alone right now?

+Yes, why?

-I need something from you, I'm going up.

Standing up, I stuff my notes on the manuscripts inside my too-big-but-super-useful bag and get out of the office sending a kiss to his constellation. I need to check the astronomy calendar, Neptune is at its closest approach to Earth in September and that blue giant is mind blowing.

On the 20th, I go directly to where Andrea is. I can't believe I'm now "friend" of some of the cold blondes, they turned out to be nice. It's not their fault, I'm sure on the job parameters the first and most important point is –don't be friendly to the visits and smile robotically.

"Hi, Andrea."

"Hi, Ana. What can I do for you?"

As usual, the polite assistant, even though we are now using our first names. I remember when Leila took off her sweatshirt in the car and we saw the scars on her arms. Andrea hugged Leila and that gesture made me see her in a new light, her beautiful face was contorted with emotional pain and rage.

"Thanks for accompanying Leila until her departure."

"It was the least I could do, Ana. Please, don't thank me."

I smile at her, she didn't do it as a job assignment. "He's waiting for me."

Before giving me a green light, Andrea sighs. "I know, go ahead." Does she have a crush on her boss?

His super door is partially opened, how strange. Distracted by Andrea's sign of sadness, I step in closing the door behind me while scanning the office. He's not here, maybe in his bathroom. Strong arms grab me by my waist making me jump scared. I recognize his hands immediately.

"Christian, you scared me!" He's being playful, un-CEO mode just for me.

Sliding my hair to one side, he presses his mouth against my neck. "What do you need, baby?" His teeth grazing my skin and that word, cause me to shiver. He's so physical now, I remember the first time I took his hand and he almost had a coronary.

"Some love."

"Just some?" I can feel his smile against my skin.

"Mhm, just some since there are people waiting for me."

He turns me around and kisses me softly, teasing my lower lip, nibbling on it. "What a shame, you're wearing a skirt."

"Do you prefer skirts?"

"Mhm, you have great legs." Yes, I do, that must be the only part of my body that I really like. Then, inspiration hits me.

"Christian, I'll come back, save it for later. I'll bring something with me to change this office a little." Ha, he looks preoccupied. "Don't worry, it won't be discordant and you will be able to maintain your intimidating strategy."

He chuckles amused, but I don't think that's amusing for the ones he had intimidated here. "Okay, I have a free hour after 5:30. That's Miss Steele's time, remember?"

Miss Steele's time! Back then that meant a very different thing. Back then is like 9 days ago. Come on, since I met this man one day is equivalent to ten days, minimum.

"I'm afraid just Anastasia will visit later."

He doesn't take it badly and smiles. "Anastasia will be very welcomed."

There is a knock at the door and Christian adopts the CEO mode. So handsome!

"YES?" That makes me jump. Yep, CEO mode.

Taylor enters with a woman, a very tall and muscular woman dressed in a dark somber pantsuit. Oh my God, she looks like Brienne of Tarth. And like the character she has a warm look, if you focus on her brown eyes, of course, the rest of her is way too serious.

"Miss Steele, please meet Miss Prescott, your CPO." I extend my hand immediately, her handshake is firm and warm. I like her, this's a whole new experience after all, I hope she doesn't see this like babysitting some millionaire's girlfriend. "Miss Prescott has been debriefed about the situation."

Shit, THE situation, Taylor always scares me, he makes me feel as if I were in great danger, which I know I could be, but please… "Nice to meet you, Miss Prescott. Taylor, I have to go to SIP right now, then I have an appointment with my doctor, and after that I have… em… a work meeting here at GEH. Could you please debrief me too? Tonight?" Yes, I'm sure this woman knows more about THE situation than me, inconceivable.

Taylor consults with his boss briefly, no need for words, and Christian nods. I can predict interference in such debrief, all I need to know is in Christian's head. "Very well, Miss Steele, Prescott will go with you."

I plant a soft kiss on Christian's cheek and leave followed by my lady-knight. When I was nine I fantasized about being a lady-knight with my own squire sharpening my sword, I'd killed so many dragons. Poor dragons, fortunately they didn't exist or they would have been in danger of extinction. I don't think fantasizing about killing something is positive, even if it's a mythical animal, but I was wild when I was nine, at least inside my head. I lost that at some point of my puberty, now is coming back as a sweet memory.

Inside the elevator, I start my interrogatory. "Miss Prescott…"

"Just Prescott."

"Oh, okay, Prescott, how much time have you been doing this?"

"Ten years." Very polite, poised, and serious. Modern Lady Brienne is all you'd expect from a professional CPO, an honorable warrior. I lost that dream at some point in my life, but Prescott pursued hers to the end. She has my respect for that.

"Can I ask why did you decide to become a CPO?"

She looks confused, I bet wondering where I'm going with this interrogatory.

"I'm a writer Prescott, it's just curiosity, I'd like to model a character after you."

Squaring her shoulders she shows me her CPO mode, she likes the idea of being inspirational.

"I was good at martial arts and kickboxing. Everything else flowed from there." She studies me and I'm sure the window to my soul is totally open for someone with her training. "Miss Steele…"

"Ana."

"What?"

"That's my name, Ana. You like to be called Prescott, I like to be called Ana."

She smirks. "Ana, as much as I like your writer's curiosity, you need to let me focus on my job. Please, once we step out of this elevator, I'd appreciate don't be distracted."

"You have my word, I mean, no more words."

When we get to my car she blocks me. "I'll drive, Ana. Please, give me your keys."

"Okay." I'm amazed, maybe I should be pissed but even though she is kind of trampling over me, she doesn't make me feel like that thanks to her politeness. "Where should I sit? In the back or…?"

"I'd prefer in the back seat of the car."

I obey, trying to not be a problem that could distract her senses. This car is not that big, but I'm not that big either, so I find a comfortable position and take my notes out to study them. Elizabeth mentioned lunch, but you never know.

…

In the communal kitchen at SIP I'm relaxed, everything looks clean and organized. These five women are so funny and clever, I'd like to work here with them in the future, they seem to be a good team.

"How did you find out about Hyde and me last Friday?" They have tried to avoid what brought us together, but that's not my style. It must have been really hard for them to work with Jack Hyde every single day, it looks like a nightmare to me. I prepare a big sandwich quickly while waiting for their answer.

Elizabeth smiles and accepts my question. "Glen called me. She worked here two years ago, we are friends." So, that's why she had Elizabeth on the phone. I guess I'm lucky after all.

"Who came up with the plan?"

"Actually, that was our second plan. We were evaluating to kidnap him, only our cowardice saved us from cutting his dick off."

"Oh wow, that's radical, I like it!"

"Fortunately, Hanna's uncle works for a company that installs and operates hidden cameras and microphones for network. Jack drugged and raped a couple of interns, Ana, that's why we decided to do something about it. To work here was getting unbearable, he's aggressive."

"I know. They didn't denounce him?"

"One did. It seems to be he kept pictures and videos from them, proving the opposite."

"Ugh. What about here? Why was he still working here?"

"We didn't have enough evidence, he said it was a complot against him and threatened to sue the Company. But now he's gone, let's change the subject." Things don't end just like that, some people are revengeful, and some men get obsessed with the women they abused, like Paul. He always knew where to find me and that's what scares me the most. What for? Why? He had Leila…

I stand up. "Excuse me, I'll go out for a second."

Claire points to my sandwich with curiosity. "What are you going to do with that?"

"My CPO hasn't had lunch yet, she is sat outside and must be hungry."

"A CPO? Why?" Mm, so Claire is the curious one in the team, Elizabeth the oldest, the one who express the group's sentiment.

"Because of the boyfriend. You know… Mr. Grey. She needs security." Hanna stands up and brings the newspaper from Saturday. The picture is there on the table. Oh no! The scared owl.

"Wow, you have to tell us the secret to get a man like that."

The secret? I can't tell them about the nightmares that made us run into each other. Actually, it's not just the nightmares what we have in common, it's the fact that we were harmed to that point where the painful memories remain inside our skulls, defining in some way what we do, what we want from life.

Sometimes we are like two hurt animals licking each other's wounds. Those are the most intimate moments. An outsider would say we are just lying in the bed, but we are there rebuilding ourselves, in silence, caressing each other's souls.

Outside the kitchen, Prescott stares at the sandwich surprised. "Ana, you shouldn't have."

"Come on Prescott, if you don't eat you will lose your speed of action, I can't allow that. It's for my own safety." I know I sound like my beloved control freak, but he's right, it's important to eat. She smiles accepting the sandwich and the bottled water, I smile knowing that Christian is succeeding in his fight against my 'bad eating habits'.

Once back inside, Elizabeth walks toward me. "Would you like to meet the person you will work with now?"

"Of course, I bring my notes just in case. I was about to ask you."

"Then come with me."

I hug my new friends Hanna, Claire, Karen, and Laura. Along with Elizabeth, they are a strong team, Hyde's victims that have become his worst nightmare. We still have a lot to do, Carl said he's facing from nine months to three years in jail for sexual assault and harassment, but we need to go and testify before a judge.

…

Mr. Roach is sat behind his desk, working at something on his computer, ignoring me. It's unnerving, it's Deja Vu. An old man who coughs a lot, I guess he smokes like a chimney and needs a cigarette right now to lift his mood. I've heard of him, he's been a jury member for the Pacific Northwest Writers Association.

My phone buzzes and there is a message from Christian.

-Is everything alright?

+Yes, I'm waiting for Mr. Roach, meeting. Miss you, tigerfly.

Why not? If he says I'm a tigress… And that animal suits him, a tigerfly, so strong and vulnerable at the same time.

-You are the tigress. I have some scars to show.

Ha, what scars?

+Wimp!

-Anastasia, we've been here.

Right, his sub-jokes intolerance. Let's send him one.

+You'll need more than a couple of books. Actually I read another one, still no opportunities for you. Don't you have a Company to keep under control…?

-ANASTASIA!

I almost drop my cell phone. Jeez, what is his problem, he started with the joke.

+Are you yelling at me?

-YES.

+Then I'll reconsider my gift for your office.

After a while, my phone buzzes again.

- :(

Oh dear, a sad face. I'm so weak.

+Just because I love you so much.

Let's see what happens.

- :)

Yes, we are almost there, he just needs…

"Could you please stop playing with your cell phone?"

He is standing right in front of me, looking pissed. Now you notice me, cranky old man.

"Mr. Roach, I'm not playing, I'm working. My time is as valuable as yours." There you are, I won't make the same mistake. He's really tall, I should bring my Lady Brienne to teach him a lesson or two.

Suddenly he starts shouting at me.

"Missy, just because your boyfriend has money you don't have the right to come in here and behave like a spoiled princess. Who do you think you are?"

What? How dare he? And how does he know? Small company = small town. I concentrate on my breathing, I don't want to overreact. I stand up but the man is tall. Mess with someone your own size. Of course, his size…

Grabbing the chair arms for balance, I climb on it. I feel powerful, now I'm taller than him. I start shouting too, glaring at the cranky giant that I reduced to Grumpy.

"My name is Anastasia Steele, not missy. I demand to be treated with the same respect I've treated you. You can't shout at me like that just because you are older and have issues with cell phones."

I lower my voice. "Now, Mr. Roach, decide if we will shout at each other or if we will talk. As you can see, I shout too and I shout loud. Your call."

Utterly surprised, he stares at me. Oh yes, you raised your head up, not nice ah.

After a few seconds, he offers me his hand more calmed. "Let's talk. You have character, I like that."

Crazy, cranky, old man. I accept his hand and step down from the chair, miraculously without stumbling.

He goes back to his desk looking at me intently, he is weighing me.

I square my shoulders, this's a decisive moment. I'm glad Mr. Benford told me to not let them bully me. "Mr. Roach. I admit being involved in a relationship with the CEO of GEH, but I'm here due to my hard work. I know this's unusual since I just graduated and GEH gave me such a big responsibility, so I'm willing to work with you with the humbleness of a student, and the determination of a counterpart. No more, no less."

"I don't have time for students, I'm just interested in publishing those books."

"Well, the truth is GEH offered this agreement to SIP pursuing my training, so my presence here is nonnegotiable. It's in the contract both companies have signed." I stand up. "I'll ask Elizabeth when is the new commissioning editor being hired, I hope soon or GEH will move on. Thanks for your time." Or your no-time-at-all.

"Not so fast! My turn." He stands up and I evaluate climbing on the chair again, but then he sits next to me and I sit too.

"You are here because of your boyfriend, don't fool yourself, but I'm glad you're aware you know nothing."

"I didn't say…"

"My turn." Do I need another domineering man in my life? NO.

"Do you have experience in publishing?"

"Em… no."

"Exactly, so we establish you know nothing."

"I have a degree and my GPA…"

"Not interested. But you have character and, what did you say? Mm, determination. I'm old, I need to pass my experience, I was looking for a boy but that little performance on the chair was good, maybe you are the one. This's a tough environment, I won't waste my time with some weak princess."

I'm surprised but try to feign indifference. "Ask Jack Hyde about my weakness."

His face is contorted with disdain. "That sleazeball! But he was good in this world…"

I can't control myself, I stand up. "That's the most cynical comment I've heard this year. You were all accomplices if you knew what he was doing."

"He was just bothering the girls." He stands up and walks toward the window lighting a cigarette and exhaling the smoke outside.

"He was a rapist, and even if he wasn't, the harassment was unbearable for your coworkers, some of them even quit."

"That's their problem, as far as I know they solved it." The ultimate cynical. "Look… eh… what was your name again?" Asshole, he knows my name.

"Steele."

"Right. Look, I'm sick and don't have much time, I could make an exception and pass my experience to you, but I won't put up with any insolence. Since your boyfriend will end up buying SIP for his princess, I guess you are the right candidate."

I just sit and sink into the chair. I know this man could be a good tutor, but he is an arrogant cynic, maybe to see the lady-in-black closer will make him more tractable. This's the second time in a week I have to face the issue of death, it unsettles me, makes me nervous. And what was that about Christian buying SIP? Mental note: what the hell, Christian? After the gift. Before. After. Before. Sad face. Okay, after.

"What do you mean? Is he buying SIP?"

"If your communication channels don't work that's not my problem, but he'll buy it." He's right and I hate it. He's finishing the cigarette, that was fast, he didn't even savor it…

"I have one condition, you will treat me with respect." I straighten my back again.

"Yes, yes. Let's move on. Do you write?"

"Yes."

"Why?" He sits back on his desk and I feel nauseated by the smell in the room. I guess I'd have to get used to it.

"What do you mean? I like writing."

"Before that, how did you start?"

"Well, I used to write comments on fiction stories posted on the internet, you know, there is some interaction between the writer and the reader, and I realized that I wanted some of the authors to change their stories, I imagined them different inside my head. One day I wrote a short story according to what I wanted and now I can't stop."

"Great, so you started giving a hard time to the writers."

"What? No, I was trying to help."

"Yeah, right, whatever. That's good because that's what you will learn to do here, really help the writers, sometimes becoming a Muse, sometimes their worst nightmare. We operate at two levels, first: generating ideas to propose them to an author, second: working on improving book proposals already written. For that, you need to understand the market and SIP's place in it."

"I know, I completed a training course three months ago for commissioning editors and managing editors."

"That means you are not in diapers, you are on potty training." I have to laugh, this man is insufferable.

"Right. I bring my notes on the manuscripts."

"You have ten minutes."

Shit, ten minutes?

"Twenty."

"Fifteen, starting now."

Deep inside me I have to admit that I like his style, getting straight to the point and not giving me any privileges given my relationship with Christian, which now is vox populi.

…

Dr. Greene's office transmits peace. Mr. Grumpy transmits stress and anxiety, God, what a difficult man and what an opportunity to learn from him.

I explain quickly to Dr. Greene that I don't think I'll need her help in the future since my 'problem' is not a problem anymore.

"Anastasia, I understand your point of view, you came here because of a situation that you think is now solved, but I advise we continue with our sessions for a couple of months."

"Why?"

"You suffered sexual assault for a period of four months, and it was difficult for you to retell your story. Many sexual assault survivors experience long-term or even permanent sexual aversion, which you recognized, but also psychological distress expressed as sleeping disorders, eating disorders, substance abuse, dissociation." Dissociation? It definitively got worse after Paul.

"I have nightmares."

"Like flashbacks?"

"Yes."

"That's not irreversible."

"No?"

"We should work on that, flashbacks cause constant re-victimization. That means you will relate new experiences to the assault, your reactions will be out of context, sometimes overreacting, others being extremely insecure and scared."

"I understand, I agree."

"But let's go back to your sexual aversion, I'm not sure that's totally closed. Do you find sexual relations with him satisfying every time?"

"Yes and no."

"Elaborate, please Anastasia."

"I feel satisfied but I'm not sure about him, which always worries me. I know nothing about sex, and he's kind of an expert." I snort, yes he is.

"Have you two talked about why he used the word 'frigid'?"

"Em… well…"

"What?"

"It's not the same guy." Oh dear, how embarrassing.

"How come?" She stops writing and raise her head to look at me.

"I had this friend and… mm… we were spending a lot of time together. It just happened, I think I love him, we are deeply connected."

"You think you love him?"

"Yes, it's like a tsunami of emotions, I always want to be with him, to feel his skin, to hear his voice. When we are together it's exquisite, it's home. The rest of the time I need him, I miss him every second, that part worries me a little."

Smiling sweetly she resumes the writing. "Don't worry, that's normal, in the first phase you experience what is called passionate love, more or less what you are describing. Is this the first time you have felt this tsunami?"

I nod, I've never felt this for anybody, I liked some boys in high school but it's not the same.

"So, you believe he's not satisfied. Have you talked to him about that?"

"No. But I've been researching."

"Researching?" She slowly raises her eyebrows, surprised.

"I found these books about BDSM. He used to do that before." Fidgeting in the seat, I pick at my nails. "Before me."

Dr. Greene places the notepad and the pen on the small table that is between us. "BDSM?"

"Yes."

"Has he asked you to do that?"

"No, he asked me to stop reading. He said he doesn't want to do that with me, he likes what we are doing so far."

"Which is?"

Am I supposed to talk about this with this woman? Doctors inquisition is the worst one. "I don't know, traditional? We also did some role play, not related to BDSM."

"And that's what you describe as satisfying, but you are not sure about him."

"Exactly."

"Does he look satisfied at the end?"

"Mm… yes, I'm not sure. He told me so… a couple of times."

After a few seconds studying my face, she finally talks with resolution.

"Anastasia, I don't think those books are a good idea."

"Why?"

"It's like wanting to get to the other side of the river crossing a broken bridge."

"What?"

"You recovered your libido but you need to reconcile that with your reconstruction as a sexual being. That takes a little longer, that's why you are experiencing insecurities. Do you take the initiative at some point during intercourse? Do you propose some specific foreplay? Do you tell him what you want?"

Do I? "No."

"Work on that. Ask yourself. Ask him. Tell him what you prefer to do. Explore your senses and situate what you want at the same level of what he wants. Both taking the initiative at different moments."

She studies my face. "Am I clear?"

I lower my head, feeling like if I did something wrong. "Yes."

"Don't feel bad, Anastasia. Look, it's important you build a healthy sexuality, which means communication at every level. First you need to know what you want, then you need to work on communication. BDSM implies a strong conviction about your preferences. You won't have that conviction if you don't know who you are first. You are not reading because you feel attracted to BDSM or because you have internal doubts. You are reading because you feel this necessity to satisfy him. Doesn't it ring any bells?"

Of course it does. All of them complaining about not being satisfied… except for Christian. I feel a couple of tears running down my cheeks.

"Explore having sex at the same level with your lover before exploring a sexuality that implies assuming an internal differentiation, control, power, denial. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying -give your back to BDSM-, but this is not the moment. Let's wait a year, use this year to actively discover who you are as a sexual being, step by step. Don't be alone in the process, you need his participation."

…

Lady Brienne is driving, she is preoccupied, glancing at me in the rear-view mirror every two minutes, but I'm okay after the mental beating Dr. Greene had given me. I already know what I need after that, ironic.

I have half an hour so I get prepared in the bathroom next to my office, cleaning, combing and considering what the good doctor said. Everything makes sense. So far, is being a good day, long since it started so early, I'm tired.

At 5:30 I'm knocking at his door. Andrea is looking at me serious, in a pensive way. I guess she has dreamed about her boss noticing her, noticing her dedication, her devotion, her impeccable presence. I need to talk with her.

…

…

CPOV.

Anastasia is here but she doesn't bring anything, I guess no gift after all. It doesn't matter, this time is for her, at least half an hour. I sit with her in my lap, wrapped in her warmness, her scent. I'd like to have her here after every meeting.

"Another book, Anastasia?" I ask, humbled and anxious at once. I'm worried since this morning. Why is she thinking in that? I haven't done anything that could suggest I want her in my playroom. Maybe I said or did something that misled her. I don't want her subdued by my demons; on the contrary, she is the one with the whip in hand, putting them to sleep.

She widens her eyes surprised, I notice uncertainty. "Last one Christian, I promise. Let's focus on my gift."

"What gift? You bring nothing."

"Are you sure?" I look again, her hands are empty and she's smiling. Something unexpected, for sure, I better get ready.

"I'd like to have you sat in the corner the whole day, Anastasia, as a wax figure, but I guess it's not that."

"Creepy!"

Chuckling I nuzzle her hair. "Then what is it?"

"A new memory." She speaks quietly in my ear. "Us. Here."

"What do you mean?" I know what she means but I want to see her blushing while explaining.

"You know."

"No, I don't know, Anastasia." There it's, so easy, beautiful pink surrounding beautiful blue.

"I want… you know… in your desk."

"My desk?"

"Yes." Interesting. "Just we will know, Christian. I want you to remember us, here, every time you feel tired or angry or anxious."

And she does it again, raising what was ordinary in my life, just pleasant diverting pastime, to extraordinary: sweet memories that will allow me to escape from the prison of my aloneness. The best gift, this sense of feeling cherished, irreplaceable.

"Look at me." She surprises me, why is she laughing?

Her soft hands caress my hair, it feels so good. "Christian, I'm going to say something and I don't want you to answer. I'm not saying that I'll be fine if you don't answer, no, just don't say anything."

She stares at my eyes, unnerving as usual, what is she seeing?

"I love you, Christian, with all my heart."

"Oh, Anastasia." I close my eyes, the now familiar sensation surges and fills my chest once more. It's like homesickness and a homecoming rolled into one.

She hugs me. "Don't say anything, Christian, just feel it."

Clasping her face in both my hands I kiss her, feeling it as she requested. And there it's, a new urge, a new impulse I can't control. I want her to know, I want her to feel the same.

"I love you too, Anastasia."