At first, when Matt had scolded Nick for his foul attitude and forcefully suggested he take two days off, Jen had felt an overpowering wave of guilt. She had broken up with him and it had upset him so much that he was yelling at their sergeant. It was affecting his work.
When Nick had taken Matt up on the offer, she felt even worse.
But within twenty minutes of sitting at her desk without Nick beside her, they'd gotten a new case, a porn producer murdered on his own website. She and Allie were made lead on the case, and Jen buried herself in the work. And it felt fantastic. Jen felt like she had when she'd first started on Homicide all those years before. Devoted and dedicated to her cases, not distracted by anything outside work, getting to be challenged in a way that let her really make a difference and use all her skills.
Yes, going home to an empty house, knowing Nick wasn't going to be coming through the door and hold her in his arms as they fell asleep still hurt. They'd been apart for just over a week and it hadn't quite sunk in yet. But her personal life being in tatters was well worth it if she could go to work without worrying anymore, without constantly looking over her shoulder for who was watching, without being terrified she was going to lose her job.
And when Nick returned after his time off, he slid right back into work as though nothing had happened. He was calm and helpful and brilliant like he'd always been. Everything was going to be just fine.
The moment he'd offered to stay late and keep working the case with Duncan so she could go to Waverly's Women in Blue dinner was the moment Jen knew. They could do this. They could work together and it would all be alright. And that's all that mattered.
Jen went up to Commander Waverly's office to update her on the case. It hadn't been her intention to discuss personal matters, but she couldn't help herself. Bernice Waverly was a shining example of strength and success for Jennifer and had been since she'd first started in Homicide. Being a woman in that world was no easy feat, but knowing Waverly had been through it all and made through the worst of it and come out the other side rising above the rest was such an inspiration. And now, when Jen had sacrificed the best thing in her entire life for the opportunity to keep doing the work that gave her life purpose, she needed to hear that it was the right decision. Obviously she wasn't about to pour her heart out to Waverly or give her any indication that she'd been shagging a fellow detective for the better part of a year, but she could still ask if it was all worth it.
Waverly's words rang through Jen's mind the rest of the night, echoing through her head as she got dressed and did her makeup.
"My career...I allowed my career to cost me my marriage. And I lost my son in the most terrible way. But I love my job, Jennifer. And I have Rhys. That's lovely. Look, the truth is, no one has an easy life. And only you can decide what is important for you."
What was important for Jen? Surely it was the job. It had to be. She'd realized that while staying with her mother, that she'd worked her whole life to matter, to do something that meant something to the world. Being a Homicide detective was precisely that.
And Waverly had said it herself. "Jennifer, there is no reason you couldn't be sitting in this chair one day. If that's what you wanted."
That was exactly what she wanted. Wasn't it? Wasn't that the whole point? Rising through the ranks, ending up Commander? Jen actually hadn't thought about it before. She never really thought of herself as one to sit behind a desk and coordinate investigations or deal with the media and politicians and whatnot. True, she did like sitting at her own desk for hours researching phone records and bank statements and doing background checks, but that was more the interest in detail work and seeing the forest through the trees, not enjoying actually sitting at her desk. But perhaps she did want to make sergeant sometime soon. Nick had been on Homicide for ten years and he hadn't tried to be promoted. But Jen wasn't like Nick. That was part of the problem.
She shook herself, finishing her mascara and swiping on a bit of lipstick. She was already late to the Women in Blue dinner.
Waverly arrived late as well. She delivered a beautiful speech about sacrifice, the way women in the police force did it one way or another all the time, the sacrifices that meant everything. It was as though Waverly had read Jen's mind in the office earlier and wrote a speech about it to tell two hundred people. Jen knew the sacrifice she'd made. Sacrificing the only real chance she'd probably ever have for personal joy and love and a happily ever after just so she could secure her place on the job, to hang on to the ambition that had gotten her to where she was and would continue to propel her in the future. That was a worthy sacrifice, surely.
Nick had sacrificed his own evening to continue to work the case so Jen could go to the event. She smiled just thinking about it. He was a good man. The best. There was never a better partner to have on the force or in life. And if she could have him as her partner on cases like this where she could trust him to have her back and support or challenge her theories, that was all she really needed.
As the choir sang their beautiful song, Jen discretely pulled out her cell phone. She opened her text messages and sent one to Nick. Thanks for taking care of the case tonight. Let me know how it goes.
Within a minute, her phone lit up again with his response. No worries. Duncan and I made the arrest. Business manager confessed. It was all about the money. It always is.
The casual and easy words made her smile. She knew she could tell him now. She had to. Nick, I'm sorry it didn't work out for us. I just have to focus on my life and my career. When I started in Homicide, I was still trying to put my life together after what happened between us the first time. And then we got back together, and I feel like I haven't had time on my own on the job. Not really. And I just need time to be on my own.
His response came through quickly. Jen, you know how I feel about you. I've never felt any different. I don't think I ever will. But I'm not going to sit around and wait for you to give me the time of day.
She frowned, feeling her heart constrict in his chest. Yes, she did know how he felt about her. I don't expect you to wait around.
Right. I'll see you at work.
And with that, Nick threw his phone across the desk. He couldn't bear to look at it. If she responded, he didn't want to know. Not yet. When her message came in, his stomach had flipped with the surge of hope that she'd come to her senses, that she'd missed him as much as he'd missed her. But instead of giving him another chance, giving them another chance, she'd just confirmed her decision to end it all.
He hated her for it. No, actually, he couldn't hate her for it. Try as he might during those two days he spent at home redoubling his efforts on fixing up his house and installing lighting fixtures in his dining room, he hadn't been able to force himself to hate her. He just couldn't do it. She had shattered his heart, despite all his best efforts to love her as she deserved. And still he ached to have her back.
And that was when he realized that loving her as he did wasn't actually good. Clearly it was no good for him, since he was miserable. But if he loved her so much and tried so hard to give her everything she needed, maybe he had no real clue what she actually needed. Could it be that he knew so little of her that he didn't really know how to love her properly? He thought he'd done a good job. He thought they had been happy. But maybe he was wrong. Maybe he never really knew her at all.