Chapter 26

Janine looked at me, "I have never known Abe to allow anyone to speak to him like that. I'm amazed he gave up so quickly."

I laughed slightly, "Oh, he didn't quit. I left Russia the next night, but he attempted tracking me down. I eventually lost him in Rome."

She looked genuinely impressed, but then Abe Mazur was a hard person to evade.

"Do you think that that Strigoi may have been Dimitri?" Lissa suddenly asked. She hadn't thought about the question so I had had no time to prepare myself and I flinched violently, as if she had slapped me.

I looked at my plate, struggling to hold back my tears and keep my breathing even. She must have felt my blast of wild emotion since she held my hand and stroked it in comfort.

"Yes, I had thought that initially. But later on discovered it wasn't him at all."

I gave her a weak smile and stood. Lissa looked at me in confusion.

"I'm meant to be guarding you Liss not having lunch. If the Queen were to see me now, I'd be dropped as a candidate so fast both our heads would spin."

She sighed in annoyance but didn't argue.

Since we had finished eating and I couldn't risk sitting around any longer, we left the cafe.

"Rose, I need to be in a meeting with the Queen in twenty, thank you for the lunch. I would like to continue our discussion, but not now." She told me in a very business-like manner. I nodded in agreement, "I can't really risk sitting with you while in the public eye, so maybe come over tonight to Lissa's." She agreed and hurried away.

I kind of found it amusing that I was inviting people over to Lissa home without their involvement, but as long as Liss didn't complain I would continue to do it. We walked in silence for a long time, both of us deep in thought. I knew what Lissa was thinking without even being in her head, she had been given a deeper insight to my past and I knew it was bothering her more than she wanted to admit.

"Liss what is it?"

She looked at me and smiled slightly, "I guess I'm still not entirely used to the idea of you being so..." She struggled for the right word, "Ruthless?" I filled in for her. She grimaced but nodded.

"I know you had always been impulsive and the first to fight with your fists, but everything you've told me so far just reinforces the fact that you have changed a huge amount. You aren't really impulsive anymore, and the damage you dished out to those guardians seemed almost unnecessary."

I shook my head, "No Liss, it wasn't, I could easily have killed them."

"That's my point right there!" She exclaimed in exasperation, "You talk about that so lightly. You just told me that beating them senseless, breaking that guys arm and ribs was merciful! The Rose I knew would never have talked like that! She would've been horrified at the thought of doing that at all."

I couldn't help but feel a twinge of annoyance at her, "How many times do I have to tell you that I've changed for you to understand? I spent the last five years fighting for my life, fighting for survival. Of course it is going to change me, are you honestly that naive that you think I wouldn't come out of that unscathed? That I would be the same old impulsive and immature Rose?" I could feel my temper getting the better of me and I fought to rein it in before this turned into a full scale fight. I felt Lissa do something similar.

"I know that Rose, I really do but it is still so hard for me to accept."

I raised an eyebrow at that, "What's so hard about it? I've changed. It's not a huge deal, if anything it's a good thing, the old Rose wouldn't have been able to guard you with as much efficiency. And besides, hadn't you told me that my past didn't bother you?"

A surprised look crossed her face and then she looked slightly ashamed.

"I know I said that, and in a way it doesn't bother me, but I'm struggling to imagine the Rose I knew doing all those things...." She trailed off and didn't finish.

"Well, that's because I'm not that Rose. We've been through this, I have changed and when are you going to accept that? I would like to see anyone go through what I went through with Justin and come out unscathed."

"Why is it so hard for you Rose to comprehend where I'm coming from? I haven't seen or heard from you in five years, so how would I have known how drastically you had changed? The bond is only one-way. I can't know what you're thinking, what you're experiencing so how would I have known what you went through? Maybe if you... I don't know... talked to me instead of keeping it to yourself I could understand better..."

I didn't respond for a while, surprised at myself for not having thought about it in that way. "I... Liss, I'm sorry... but the reason I didn't want to come back after Justin was because... was because I was afraid. I knew then how much I had changed just from those few months, and I was afraid that once you heard what I had done to those men you would reject me... it was easier for me to just not go back, not run the risk of you fearing me for the monster I had become." I had never had so much trouble with composing a sentence before. Liss didn't respond and I suddenly felt an immense wave of emotion from her, an accumulation of grief, sympathy, sadness, slight anger, regret and most powerful compassion. I almost felt dizzy from the influx of emotion.

"Oh, Rose I'm sorry too. I've been selfish, only thinking of myself and how I felt, this time apart has changed me too, and I can't say I like it." I couldn't really say anything to that so we lapsed into silence.

We didn't speak after that and a lot of unspoken words hung in the silence between us. As uncomfortable I was I couldn't leave her, it was my job to protect her from the 'Strigoi' attacks.

'Why did I even come back? Or at least, why did I stay? I had known she wouldn't be able to completely accept me, not with everything I've done. She doesn't even know the half of it and she is already struggling. You may have known, but you couldn't help that tiny bit of hope, an annoyingly sensible small voice in my head answered. And it was the truth, as much as my doubts had plagued me I had still had that small portion of hope that she would accept and forgive me burning inside. As much as I tried to smoother it, it had burned on, which was why this fight with Lissa hurt so much.

We returned to Lissa's home and I immediately locked myself in my room. She didn't need a guardian in her house and if I couldn't leave the house without her, I would get as much privacy as possible in the circumstances by locking myself in my room.

I stayed in there for the entire evening, not even coming out to eat. I wasn't hungry nor in the mood for any company. I briefly heard my mother come and go after Liss kindly explained what had happened. I fell asleep after tossing about my bed awhile: my dreams were normal, meaningless shapes and colours until I found myself in a strange room. I recognised it as the lounge of Justin's house he had kept me prisoner in; I had seen it briefly when I made my escape. I looked around casually and noted the antique sword hanging over the Victorian styled fireplace. A fire was flickering but I felt no heat from it. There was only a single rocking chair placed in front of the fire.

I was surprised to see a figure in it; said figure stood up just then, his back to me.

"Rose, you have disappointed me. I trained you, feed you and yet you have failed."

The voice belonged to a man, but it was broken and sounded cold and like death. He turned and fear struck through me. Justin smiled coldly, his face was in partial shadow but his eyes gleamed red.

"You may have killed me and so many more Strigoi, but not the one who matters."

The room was suddenly filled with the ghosts of dead Strigoi and men I had killed. Every face I recognised and remembered how I had killed them, they hovered and faced me.

"Come now Rose, you aren't afraid of some harmless ghosts are you?" Justin taunted me from the shadows and the ghosts crept forward, hands outstretched reaching for me. "Ah, but here's something you should know. We can hurt you."

Suddenly they started grabbing at me and I screamed, trying to fight them off but my strength was failing faster than normal. They tore at my hair and clothes, scratched at my face and limbs. I screamed again and they faded away.

I now found myself alone in the room, standing in front of a full length mirror. Naked. I gasped in horror as I saw my reflection. My face was pale and Strigoi-like, minus the red eyes; instead my eyes were a hollow and lifeless black. The scars Lissa had healed were back, but now they were disfiguring and eating at my flesh. I sobbed and looked up and saw movement behind my reflection. Turning I cried out again as this time I saw Dimitri, with his pale face and gleaming red eyes. He looked down at me in disgust, "Roza, you have missed your chance and now... I don't want you." With that he plunged my stake into my abdomen and I screamed in pain.