Maggie knew she needed to do this. She did, she just didn't want to relive the pain that was Kate and Natalie. Alex had finished cleaning up from dinner and settled into the chair closest to the fireplace. She had poured herself and Maggie glasses of whiskey. She handed Maggie a glass and the bottle. Maggie just smiled at her girlfriend. She was the first person who would know what she needed. Often times before Maggie knew it was what she needed. She took a sip from her glass and faced the window that was on the wall opposite of the fireplace. She knew she wouldn't be able to look at Alex while telling most of this tale. She set her glass and the bottle down and began telling the story of her painful past.
"I knew from the time I was 12 that I was different. I liked girls, not the boys all the other girls my age were starting to get interested in. I told my Grams when I was 12. I didn't tell anyone else until I was 14 that's when I told my best friend Kate. She was completely ok with it. Having her accept that without any hesitation or questions gave me a new sense of confidence. I started approaching some of the girls that I thought were pretty or had even the slightest hint of being like me. I told you about Claire and how she was the first girl I had sex with. There had been a few moments of doubt for me that maybe I wasn't gay that I just hadn't met the right guy. As awkward as having sex for the first time was it gave me the confirmation I needed. Without a shadow of a doubt I was gay. I decided a few days later that I would finally tell my parents. I thought they would have handled it better than they did. I didn't expect to be accepted with open arms and complete understanding but the last thing I expected was to get kicked out of the house and disowned by them."
Alex still couldn't wrap her mind around Maggie's parents being heartless enough to kick their own daughter out for being honest with them about who she is. Alex took a small sip from her glass and watched Maggie intently.
"I had gone to Claire's after school to get a pep talk of sorts I guess. She's real good with those. After about an hour she convinced me that telling them was the next step I needed to take. I would feel better after. I made my way home and found my mom in her usual spot, in the family room watching one of her talk shows. I asked her if dad was home yet and she said he was. I found him out in the barn working on the tractor. I asked him to stop what he was doing and come inside. I had something important I needed to tell him and mom. He said he would be in as soon as he got some part I can't remember the name of back on and he would be inside in 20 minutes."
Maggie had stopped talking and started pacing. Alex knew this was tough for her. Knew that she hadn't given this part of her life much thought, if any, in a very long time. She wanted nothing more than to wrap her arms around her and tell her it was ok. It was all in the past and she wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. But she had promised that she would let her tell this story at her own pace.
Maggie stopped pacing, took a large sip of whiskey and started speaking again. "I took that time to tell my sister who was 11 at the time. Steph knew the entire time. She was always so observant. She told me that she still loved me and just wanted me to be happy. She told me that she hoped mom and dad would be just as accepting. I heard the back door and knew dad was back inside. Steph took my hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. We walked downstairs together. Dad was washing up in the kitchen and I almost chickened out. But I couldn't hold that secret in any longer. Once my dad sat down I just blurted it out."
"Both of my parents sat there silent, for what felt like an eternity. In all actuality it was probably a solid 30 seconds. When they got over their shock my mom was the first person to speak. And what came out of her mouth is forever ingrained in my memory."
"Margaret Eleanor Sawyer, what kind of stunt are you trying to pull now? This is not funny."
"Mom, it's not a stunt. I am gay. I've known since I was twelve. I figured it was time you and dad knew."
"My mom sat there silent for a moment. I was hoping that she was processing it all. Figuring out how she was going to handle telling all her friends that her daughter was gay. Or at the very least avoiding telling them I was gay. I could have handled that or her telling me to keep it a secret until I was in college. At the time I probably wouldn't have liked the idea too much but it would have been better than the words that came out of her mouth next."
Alex watched Maggie drain what was left of the whiskey in her glass and set it on the window sill. Alex knew what was coming next but it didn't make it any easier. It just made her heart break that much more for Maggie.
"I never expected the words that came out of her mouth. I also never expected my father to sit there silently and not say anything." Maggie had said with a slight catch in her voice. She took a breath and refilled her glass. All she wanted right now was to crawl into Alex's lap and let her hug the pain away. But she knew she couldn't she would never get this story out.
"Margaret this is something that your father and I cannot tolerate. The fights and the pranks you pull at school are tiresome to deal with we can do just that. You are simply mixed up somehow about being gay. You don't really like girls in that way. Until you come to your senses you are not permitted to stay under this roof. I will allow you to stay tonight so you can pack your things. But after breakfast tomorrow you will not be allowed to stay in this house. As long as you are keeping up this façade of liking other girls."
Alex felt her heart rip in half. She drained what was left of her glass and walked over to Maggie. She only looked at her. She didn't say anything. Couldn't say anything. Not just because of the promise she had made but because nothing would comfort Maggie in this moment. Alex would have to wait until Maggie had finished this tale to comfort her and help heal this old wounds.
She held her empty glass in front of Maggie and silently asked for a refill. Maggie obliged. Alex made her way back to the chair she had just vacated and settled in for the rest of this story that she didn't think either of them would ever be ready for.
"I had looked at my dad hoping that for once he would take matters into his own hands and stand up to mom. Stand up for me. But he just sat there and let everything unfold. My mom was always the dominant one in the relationship. I had just hoped that this time he would put his 2 cents in. He couldn't look at her, couldn't look at me. Still my mom kicking me out of the house was worse than my dad doing nothing. I had always had a better relationship with my mom. Even though I am more like my dad. Having her kick me out for being truthful with her about liking girls crushed my soul."
It took every ounce of self-control that Alex possessed to keep her from running to Maggie and scooping the woman she loved into her arms. Alex hadn't known her when she was 14 but she knew that she hadn't deserved that. She just took another sip of her whiskey and listened to Maggie finish this story.
"I knew she was serious so there was no need to ask any questions. I knew that I would be heading straight to Grams the next morning. I don't know if I told you but Grams was my dad's mother. I never knew my mother's parent's. They both died when I was too young to remember who they were. The second worst part was trying to explain to Steph why I wasn't allowed to stay in the house anymore. She was 11 and didn't fully understand. The next morning when I had finished packing my last bag Steph came into my room. She looked like I had died. And I guess in some ways I did. Her big sister was no longer going to be easily accessible. If last night was any indication of my future, I wouldn't be seeing my sister anytime soon."
Sweet innocent Steph. When they got back to National City Maggie needed to have a serious conversation with her sister. They never talked about that night. They always treated it as the elephant in the room. Knowing it was there but choosing not to acknowledge it's presence. Now that they were both adults and Alex was helping Maggie heal these old wounds she needed to help heal some of the mutual wounds she shared with her sister. She went to take a shot of whiskey but noticed her glass was empty. She refilled it, took a couple sips and continued.
"She was so scared. I had never seen her so scared. I gave her the best hug I could give her and told her that she would see me again. We would figure something out. Without Mom and Dad knowing. I had called Grams the night before to tell her what had happened. She told me she would pick me up in front of my parent's house at 8AM. Before I exited the house I looked back at my parents and told them it didn't have to be this way they could change their mind. 'As long as you participate in such vulgar acts it has to be this way. I can't have you influencing my daughter with your acts of vulgarity.' I refused to look at my mom after that. I started to walk out the door but decided I needed to say something to my dad before I was no longer allowed near him. I told him he could choose me. He didn't have to follow her orders. He was free to choose. For once in his life I wanted him to make a decision for himself instead of letting my mom dictate it for him. He could only look down at his feet. I called him a coward and walked toward the door. I knew Steph had been listening to the whole exchange at the top of the stairs she had come down crying begging my mom to let me stay. I went to give her a hug but my mother yanked her away before I could. I gave my mom the deadliest stare I could muster. I told Steph it would be ok and that I loved her. I had managed to hold all the tears back until I was safely in Grams car."
Reliving that all over again had her shedding a few more tears. She took a moment to look at Alex. She recognized the look in her eyes and the look on her face. She was sticking to her word of not interrupting, but Maggie knew Alex wanted to hold her, comfort her and tell her she was sorry. That she didn't deserve that. Maggie looked back out the window and took a rather large gulp of whiskey. Letting the burning sensation bring her back to her past.
"So I lived with Grams until she died. Grams knew that she wasn't going to be around much longer. She was 90 years old. When I turned sixteen Grams gave me the best gift I could have gotten. She got me emancipated from my parents and had re-written her will. I didn't learn of the will until she passed away. She had a feeling she wasn't going to be around much longer so she wanted to make sure I would be able to take care of myself until I went off to college. She died 4 months later."
Alex and Maggie had talked about her grandmother a bit over the 8 months they had been dating but they never got anywhere close to when she had died. Alex always assumed it had happened after she went off to college. Realizing that Maggie had lost someone so important to her before she was legally an adult had the tears flowing freely from Alex's eyes and the urge to get up and hold her tight stronger. But still she did as she promised. She sat and listened because that is what Maggie needed.
"My mom being the horrible person she was, kept me from attending Grams funeral. I just sat outside the church crying. Claire had come to sit with me. Let me cry on her shoulder. When the church started to empty she took me back to her house and called my best friend Kate. They threw together a make-shift memorial service for me. It was one of the nicest things anyone had done for me since I came out publicly. After a few hours of watching movies and talking with my friends I made my way to the cemetery where they buried her. Had a short conversation with her and went back to her house only to find that my parents where there. They, well my mom, was trying to tell me that I was no longer allowed to live in this house. I didn't feel like fighting her so I asked her if I could at least pack up some essential items. She agreed and while I was packing my bag I heard my father talking to my mother. 'Alice she probably doesn't have anywhere else to go. What is the harm in letting her stay here? At least until the reading of the will.' I'm not sure what my mom said or if she said anything at all. The next thing I heard was the front door slamming and my dad was walking into my bedroom."
"Maggie you can stay here until the reading of the will. Depending on what is in my mother's will you may need to find another place to live. But knowing my mom she probably left you the house. She told me that she had helped you get emancipated in case she didn't make it to your eighteenth birthday but she never said anything about her will."
"He didn't give me time to respond before he walked out of my bedroom. A few days later my grandmothers lawyer called and told me she had left me most of her estate. She had left Steph enough money for college but I got the rest. I was stunned but was also relieved. I didn't have to worry about finding a new home. Or having to work while school was in session. So I went about my life kissing any girl that would let me and even sleeping with a few of them but nothing ever stuck. Which I wasn't' upset about. I didn't want to form any romantic attachments to anyone from Blue Springs. Steph and I had worked out a way to communicate with each other until she reached her freshman year of high school. Our parents wouldn't be able to keep us from seeing each other then. I hadn't realized how much I had missed her."
And that was true having her sister back in her life had made her realize just how lonely she had been living at that house all alone. Her little sister had grown up so much since the last time she saw her Maggie remembered being so proud of the young woman she was becoming. Now she wondered how Steph would have turned out if Maggie had been allowed to live in the house. To be a proper big sister. But she couldn't reminisce for too long she needed to get to the most horrible part to this tale from her past. The part that would take everything she had to tell and more whiskey. She drained what was left of her glass in one gulp. She refilled her glass and noticing Alex had only a little bit of the amber liquid left. So she filled her glass as well. All without looking at her. Because if she looked at her now she would break and this story would never come out.
"Once I graduated Claire, Kate and I left for Metropolis. Claire and I had been accepted to Metropolis University. Kate was going to one of the many culinary schools. College was where I finally found myself. Dating was much easier, which boosted my confidence levels a bit. I had also made some new friends and started opening up to people again. After everything my parent's and a few supposed friends in high school had done to me I had some trust issues. Then I met Natalie. She was the first person I fell in love with. We dated through college and through my time in the academy. I was the most open with her as I had ever been with anyone we had no secrets or so I thought."
Maggie closed her eyes and stayed silent for a few moments letting all the memories that she had buried deep inside her subconscious fly to the surface. In that moment of silence Maggie realized something. Something that she had known all along. But it had taken reliving these parts of her past to realize this wasn't painful anymore. That fear, not pain had kept her from telling Alex sooner. Almost losing Alex had been more painful than what Natalie had done. Because Alex loved her and cared about her. Maggie smiled to herself. She would be able to get through the rest of this story. It would still be painful but Alex, the women she loved would help her through. Would be there at the end of it all to comfort her.
Alex saw the pained expression on Maggie's face. Saw her eyes squeeze shut like she was trying to shut out something. Alex suspected all those painful memories she had suppressed all those years were rushing forward. Despite the promise she had made Alex couldn't stand seeing her girl hurting like this. She was just about to get up and walk to her when she saw Maggie open her eyes and smile. She knew the detective had figured out something that would allow her to survive the retelling of this painful tale. She sat back in her chair and took another sip of her whiskey and waited for Maggie to start up again.
Taking a deep breath, she looked at Alex and saw nothing but love in her features. Maggie walked over to the other chair and turned it to face her. She needed to see Alex and the love she had for her in order to finish. "I had just started my second year with MPD and was starting my SWAT team training. It meant that I had inconsistent hours. Natalie and I had moved in together after I graduated from the academy. I had just finished a grueling morning of training and went home to shower and grab something to eat before heading out on afternoon rounds. I saw Natalie's car in her parking space. I didn't expect her to be home she was supposed to be at the office. When I opened the door to our apartment I saw clothes on the floor. The clothes that Natalie had put on that morning but also some clothes that weren't hers. It took me a second to recognize the sweater that was on the floor. I had given it to her for Christmas after all. I was in denial about the last part. I knew from the sight before me that my girlfriend of 6 years was cheating on me. I was willing the other woman to not be my best friend since childhood. I was hoping the same sweater I had given Kate for Christmas was not the same sweater that was on the floor of my living room." Maggie felt the tears coming and she didn't try to stop them. She looked at Alex and she had a few tears staining her cheeks as well.
"I slowly walked toward the bedroom and heard Kate's voice. In that moment I was more angry than hurt. The door wasn't all the way shut so I slammed it the rest of the way open. Startling them both. They both looked at me, shocked that I was there. Natalie of course asked what I was doing home. I asked her how long this had been going on. Natalie told Kate to leave. But I wasn't going to let her. Clearly they had both decided to cheat on me so they both needed to explain themselves. Which they did, the affair had started when I was at the academy. They were both such great liars, or I guess great actors. I never had any clue. Which made it that much worse. I was upset and angry I told them that I never expected either one of them to do something like this to me. Especially Kate we had been friends since we were four. She had been the second person I told that I was gay. She had been so excepting. Her cheating on me hurt so much more than what Natalie had done. What hurt the most about Natalie cheating was the length of time it had gone on and me being completely oblivious. I was planning on asking her to marry me."
Alex held Maggi's gaze. Squeezed her hand tighter. She could see Maggie relaxing more with each word coming out of her mouth. Alex was so pround of Maggie. Not that she imagined her future without Maggie in it but if for some reason they parted ways she was glad she was able to be a part of this healing process for her.
Maggie couldn't deciper the look Alex had on her face now. Too many emotions were playing across it. So she continued, "I told both of them to get out. Which they did. For the rest of the day I moved around on autopilot. It wasn't until I got home that night that everything hit me. I broke down completely. Once I had shed every tear possible I got up and started packing all my things. I knew I couldn't stay in that apartment, knowing everything that had happened in each of those rooms. I called Natalie and she came to the apartment. She brought Kate with her which wasn't surprising but I had hoped wouldn't happen. I told her she could have the apartment and everything left in it. I handed her the key and wished them the best of luck. I never once got an apology. I hadn't expected to get one from Natalie. But knowing everything that Kate and I had been through in our 20 years of being friends I had hoped she would. To this day we haven't spoken to each other."
The tears came freely. With those final words the last piece of the wall came down. The weight she had been carrying all those years was gone. She felt like a new person. She also realized that she was angry at Kate. Who cares about Natalie. She was just some girl she thought she was in love with. But Kate was her best friend. But also it wasn't worth her time anymore. She needed to let this go completely.
Alex didn't know what to say. Her heart broke for Maggie she had never deserved any of the pain that her parent's, Natalie and Kate had caused her. Maggie had started crying again and Alex couldn't take it anymore. She needed to comfort her. "Maggie?"
The detective brought her head out of her hands and looked at her girlfriend. Saw the pain in her eyes and knew why it was there. Alex couldn't stand the thought of someone hurting her even if it was from her past. "Alex, I…"
Alex cut her off, "Maggie, come here." She opened her arms and Maggie practically ran into them. Alex wrapped her arms tight around the woman she loved most in this world and let her cry. They stayed that way for what felt like hours. Maggie had stopped crying and just sat there with her head on her chest. Most likely listening to Alex's heartbeat and her breathing. Alex had noticed some time ago, that was the thing that would always calm her down. Whenever Maggie had dealt with a particularly taxing case at the NCPD and eventually the troubles that came with being a DEO agent. At the end of the day whether it was at her place or Maggie's she had always ended up snuggling with Alex, head on her chest listening. Alex would always feel the tension leave Maggie's body and would watch her slowly fall asleep. Tonight would have to be different. As much as she wanted to let Maggie fall asleep in her arms right now it wasn't possible. Sitting in that position for however long it had been had her still injured ribs protesting in some pretty sharp pains. Alex brushed some hair from Maggie's face and tilted her face upward and planted a kiss on her lips. "Maggie why don't we go to bed and finish talking in the morning?"
"I think that would be a good idea." She let Alex lead her to the bedroom but instead of Alex getting on her usual side of the bed she got on Maggie's.
Noticing the confusion on Maggie's face Alex responded before she could ask, "You need to snuggle tonight and sitting in the chair holding you combined with our hike today has left my still injured ribs a bit sore. So you'll just have to snuggle in on my right side tonight."
Maggie could only smile. Alex always knew what she needed. Climbing into bed with the weight of her past finally lifted off her shoulders and a woman that she knew without a shadow of a doubt loved her and would never hurt her. She laid her head on Alex's chest and felt that familiar embrace. She slowly drifted off to sleep listening to her favorite sound.