Chapter Twenty Six
Monday 24th November
23:14
Dad and Morag's House
Okay, I've been a bit of a bad girl. School is still in session but the only week I could get off work was this week so I've abducted Ruby and brought her to the city with me. Call me a bad parent or sister or whatever I'm meant to be but I didn't want to leave her to her own devices, especially as she's got such a big thing for this Xavier boy. I don't want her getting carried away even more than she is already. She put up a bit of a fight over leaving him when she has limited time with him anyway, but she came pretty willingly in the end. Her loyalty to Dad is strong and we haven't seen him in a while. I miss him a lot and I know Rubes does too. So, I think it will be nice to spend some time here and be with him again.
We had a fun drive here with a lot of singing and laughing and Dad was on top form. He's forgetful, of course, but he didn't seem to lose himself tonight as much as he has on other occasions. The four of us had a nice dinner together and a catch up. Ruby and I are sharing a room, which is fine. Except it's late and she keeps poking me and telling me to turn the light out! How rude!
Tuesday 25th November
13:01
Dad and Morag's House
It's a glorious day of sunshine and I for one am very much enjoying chilling out with my family. It's nice. There's no pressure here. At home at the moment, all I'm feeling is pressure from all sides. I guess I needed to come away and calm down for a bit.
I'm pretty much over Roman, I think. I hope. But it's still not that easy to see him every day looking so handsome and unobtainable. It'll be good to be here and have a break from life in Summer Bay.
And as for Angelo, well, I don't know if anything will happen there or not. I don't even know if I want it to. The sex was pretty hot but I'm not sure we should risk our friendship or our working relationship. He's sweet and good looking and I know he's liked me for a long time. Maybe it would be perfect and maybe it would be a disaster. I'm really not sure. But at the moment, it's just awkward and it's another thing I've felt the need to get away from.
Wednesday 26th November
21:47
Dad and Morag's House
I had a busier day today. Dad wasn't in such a good way. I wanted to help but in a brief moment of clarity, he asked that I take Ruby out for the day. He doesn't want his girls seeing him this way. It's hard to take, especially as it's my nature to get involved and try to fix a problem. But I know I can't fix this. And the only way I can truly help him is to do what he asks.
As it turned out, Ruby and I had a nice day. We indulged in a big, fat, unhealthy lunch and did some sightseeing. It was amusing and I love the way that Ruby gets so excited about things, even buildings she's seen a hundred times.
It was also nice that for the first time since we got here, she wasn't surgically attached to her phone! She's been texting Xavier constantly. She says she doesn't want to risk and 'out of sight, out of mind' situation but today, she sent him a message to say that she wouldn't be contactable for much of the day. Call me selfish but I just love getting to spend proper time with her.
We chatted loads, about everything and nothing and it was amazing. She told me all about Xavier and how much she likes him. It's cute. We talked about her concerns over Melody and that Annie is still pretty shaken up over the storm drain incident. I've mostly tried to block it out, myself.
She asked about Roman and I said I was feeling much better about the whole thing. Then she wanted to know if there might be someone new on the horizon. I reluctantly admitted to something happening with Angelo. She seemed surprisingly supportive. He hasn't exactly been the most popular guy in Summer Bay in recent weeks but Ruby said, now he's been proved innocent of hurting Belle, that she likes him and she's known for a while that he was into me. She was totally supportive of that 'date' we went on months ago and she told me to go for it if I think he'll treat me like the Princess I am. That was funny. I love the way she views me with rose tinted spectacles. I just hope I never let her down. That thought is terrifying.
Thursday 27th November
19:00
Dad and Morag's House
We all had a chill out day together. Dad was much improved from yesterday, which is good. Morag said he does have a lot of bad days but that when he's doing well, he really does do great. I just hope he can sustain it and last in this world, as himself, for as long as possible. I love him so much.
And I feel like I have wasted too much time not getting along with him. It's so hard not to dwell on all the fights instead of the good times we have had together. I remember waiting for him to come home, I remember longing for him to pay any kind of attention to me. I remember the look of utter disappointment on his face when he found out I was pregnant and I remember the grief I felt that he didn't seek justice on behalf of his little girl. I remember the jealousy that rose up in me when I saw just how affectionate and loving he was towards Ruby when he could barely look me in the eye, and I remember the way it increased when I came to the realisation that he and Mum were never going to let me be the mother I wanted to be.
I remember too much of the shit, sadness and suffering. I want to cling to the joy but it's just not that easy. And it all feels like a waste of time. We could have had such a wonderful relationship if only we'd given ourselves the chance. And we can express love now but something inside of me is screaming that it's already too late.
Saturday 29th November
00:32
Dad and Morag's House
I don't have too long to write because it's late and Ruby is bugging me about going to sleep. But I do like to write even a little bit in here each and every day. And yes, I know technically it's Saturday so I haven't written on Friday but it doesn't really count. I haven't been to sleep yet!
Dad, Morag, Ruby and I went out for a gorgeous three course meal tonight, as it's mine and Ruby's last night here. I don't really want to go home tomorrow. It's been so nice just to spend time with my family and not have to think about work and men and the mess I always seem to make of my life. I've felt happier this week than I have felt in a lot time – and that's well before Roman and I split up.
The more I think about it, the more I don't think I was ever truly happy with him. He was a nice guy and I cared a lot about him but what I loved best was the idea of him. Roman was a good looking, well established man. He had a good job and a former SAS career to respect. He's stepped up to the plate and begun taking care of his teenage daughter in a way that I have never been able to and he stood for good ethics and a healthy approach to life. And he was nice to me. He was nice way back when I arrived and I'd alienated everyone else. And he did treat me moderately well as his girlfriend.
But I think I was always painfully aware that he never felt that passionately about me. I don't think it's right to compare lovers necessarily but I think what was so good about Angelo the other night was that he really cared. Roman was okay but the earth didn't move because he didn't feel it in his heart. He never saw a future with me and I never really saw one with him. But it was easy to kid myself that we were Summer Bay's golden couple. We weren't and we were never going to be. I feel better just for accepting that tonight. I feel healthier and far more able to move on.
Sunday 30th November
00:19
Home
Ruby and I stayed in the city for most of the day and then we drove back to Summer Bay. We stopped off at the Diner to eat dinner. Roman was working but he just didn't affect me the same way he was affecting me last week. I guess this is what you'd call closure. I feel better for it anyway. And Ruby noticed. I was touched that she cared.
When we got home, we talked loads more and ended up drawing an 'ideal partner wish list'. Here is mine:
1. Someone who is beautiful – inside and outside. On a purely physical level, I'd want to be with someone with a particular aspect of their face of body that is really striking and captivating, like their eyes or lips or smile.
2. Someone who has interests out of their relationship with me, they will exist independently but still invite me into their world.
3. Someone who makes me laugh.
4. Someone who, when I see them, makes me feel like the world had stopped turning, just because they're there.
5. Someone with opinions, that I can debate with and discuss the world. Someone who can challenge me.
6. Someone who will sit and listen to me, who I can share my problems – big or small – with, who'll understand and care about me.
7. Someone who loves me.
I guess number seven is really the most important thing. I may have commitment phobia and I may not see things in the long term, but in my heart of hearts, I know that all I really want is someone who loves me, someone who can heal my hurts with just a smile, someone who knows me – the good stuff and the bad stuff – and tells me they love me anyway. I wonder if such a person out there exists?
Sunday 30th November
12:39
The Beach
Ruby skipped off pretty early this morning. She's arranged to 'hang out' with Xavier all day and while she hasn't quite allowed herself to call it a date yet, she was far too excited for it not to be. They haven't talk about anything serious yet but I know she's kissed him and I know she is in lust. I just hope that he genuinely likes her and isn't taking her for a ride. I don't want her to get hurt.
As for me, I am indulging in one more chill out day before I tackle work tomorrow. I came out at ten and worked up a sweat in the gym, headed home to shower and change and now I am happily relaxing on the beach, enjoying the sunshine and the especially strong taste of salt in the air. It's refreshing. I'm not much of a sailing kind of girl but I do love the beach and I do appreciate just sitting and listening to the waves lapping at the shore. It's beautiful and peaceful and I find it very calming.
I also like the beach for people watching. You get the odd hottie walking around in shorts and not much else, and I find it interesting to watch people interact. I like to imagine what their lives are like, who they are and what they dream of being.
Right now, there is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen sitting not so far away from me. Obviously I'm not interested in her in that way – I'm all about the boys – but she is striking. I think I've seen her somewhere before. She's just sitting, like me, gazing at the sea. She's slim and toned with long dark hair and, from what I can see, the most soulful eyes. She's beautiful. And I can't help but feel fascinated by her hands. I wonder who she is and why she looks so serious. She looks serene on the outside but as if she has a million thoughts racing around her head. I think she's beautiful. Perfect. Captivating.
Next time… Charlie and Angelo establish a friends with benefits system, Xavier gets into trouble for dealing drugs and the development site costs Jack his life…