26 – Mirror
Hinamizawa, 23rd December 1983
The road to go back from there to the Manor was short, but it turned out to be not a pleasant trip, for Mion. Her sister, having imagined what she was thinking, guessed that it was something she had to arrange alone with her, so she asked their friends to go away, claiming Don't worry, I'm on it, and they obeyed, even if a bit reluctant. So, the Sonozaki twins entered their home again, and they went directly to Mion's bedroom. Shion was following her silently like a shadow, as to guard her, but at the moment she could only observe her. Once closed the door, the pony-tailed girl looked at the dark space around her, and she turned on a little lamp on her desk. It was getting late, and the Sun seemed cold and far as never before.
Slowly, Mion sat on the old chair she had used so many times in past, and she didn't say a word, closed in her thoughts. She was staring at the window, from which she could see the snow fallen in the previous days. Despite of Christmas time, that sight lowered her mood further on. Why is it here? Who has sent it here? She thought about all the movies and mangas where snow usually brings romanticism, calmness and serenity, well accepted by the various protagonists and characters. But this time it seemed an intruder, in that sad moment. Something painfully disrespectful to her sorrow. It was there, as if it was inviting her to play with it, another time. She had enjoyed with it very often, when she was a little girl, but it was likely the worst moment for it, and so all that panorama looked alike a hoax. Moreover... in that moment she didn't want to have fun for sure, but how many kids were happy for that white carpet, on the contrary of her? How many of them were playing outside with it, making snowmen, or throwing snowballs? Were they playing joyfully, and regardless of her feelings, too? She closed her eyes. No, it's not true... Why everyone should be sad because of me? I can't force them not to be happy, it would be cruel. I'm lucky enough to have Shion next to me, in the end... Maybe she's even too much, I... I don't deserve her help.
Mion was visibly depressed, and Shion tried to call her name, to make her feel her presence. Therefore, the sad girl raised her watery eyes, and she asked simply: "Shion, will I ever be able to make something good, in my life?"
"You have already done a lot of wonderful actions, Onee. Why are you asking for it, now?"
"You're right, but I was referring to something different... I was thinking about how I behave with the others." She lowered her look, again, and then she added: "I don't know why I've acted so, I don't know why I have been so rude. It has been stronger than me, and I can't forgive myself for this, now. They will think I am a monster, and maybe what I've done will force them to go away. Being hated by the ruler of the village doesn't make your life easy, here."
"But you don't hate them, I guess, so there is not such a problem."
"There is, instead. It's sufficient that I've looked to do it, and now I don't know what they will think about me. They won't want to see me again, and it's only my fault. Batcha once had told me to leave the new fresh air enter the village, when she was still alive, but if I start to drive the newcomers out of it..."
"It's not true, and you know it!" exclaimed Shion, but her sister didn't reply. She was absent-mindedly observing a point of the wall, now, where there was the mirror she usually used to look at herself. From there, she could see that her sweater had somewhat hitched on an edge of the chair, and so the rear of the collar had been pulled, and it had slightly lowered. She hadn't noticed it in the beginning, her mood didn't allow it to her after all, but, in this way, she could glimpse a dark spot on the bottom of her neck, or at least it seemed so to her. She barred her eyes, to avoid that sight, and she immediately straightened her sweater. That little stain was a detail of the tattoo she carried on her back, of the mark which reminded her everyday who she was, in reality. She didn't want to think about it, now, she didn't want to admit yet she was evil like a Demon.
She looked at her sister, then. Shion was still looking at her, worried. She would never have left her alone before relieving her. The old Manor was not a comfortable place for troubled people, especially when the nocturnal darkness went down on its roof; Shion would have gone on cheering her up, and Mion was aware of it. So, the pony-tailed girl decided to speak. Hers was only a weak whisper, but in that silent room it would have been enough:
"Shion, do you remember when we spent our afternoons here, or at Kasai's home, talking about Kei-chan? When I was telling he was an interesting guy, talking about our school life... and fearing I was only a tomboy, for him. I thought that he was more interested more in having a girly partner, rather than one like me. And that idea was making me even more noisy and teasing, which had made things even worse, from my point of view. Now, while we were going back home, earlier, I've noticed a thing... Why am I behaving so only with Kei-chan? With the others I am not a great harasser, I like to do some joke with them, too, but..."
"Oh, I think Kei-chan is simply your favorite target. I don't see anything strange in this. Moreover, he's a male, he has never got really angry because of this. On the contrary, he has appreciated it, as sign of friendship."
"I know, and that's the point. I like to behave so with Kei-chan, but I wouldn't dare to do the same with Satoshi-kun, for example."
"And you'd better go on like this." Shion answered annoyed "If you try to hurt his fragile heart, I'll kick your ass from here to their home, to force you to apologize with him!"
Mion smiled melancholically, happy to see her sister trying to help her to raise her mood. However, she went on: "I know it... But I wonder why I haven't done so either before, when you didn't know him, and he was nobody special for you. When Satoko was a sad and lone girl, and I've created the Club, I had noticed that Satoshi-kun was depressed too. He needed a friend, exactly like Kei-chan. But, in that case, I had acted in a completely different way. No jokes, no tomboyish behavior... I looked... I looked a kind girl, simply. I remember I had often talked with him in a low voice, as not to hurt him. I feared that even speaking with my usual voice might cause harm to him. You know, he's only a few months younger than me, but I was really like an older sister, for him. And I know he thanked me for that."
"It's not strange. Satoshi-kun needs a different approach, and that was the right way to behave with him. Especially during that hard period, he couldn't afford to be manhandled also at school, and you had realized it, so you have changed your attitude in relationship to this. It's only because you have taken care of both of them, but it's not anything strange."
"Until some day ago I agreed with you. But now I have some doubt about this."
"Hmm?"
"I'm talking about what had happened at the prefecture, and after it. When I saw that boy fighting against Nabiha-san alone, and winning thanks to the rage he carries inside himself, I immediately thought it had been something marvelous, not so dissimilar from a miracle. But when he ran away, looking to regret what he had done... my impression was that he had used a bad way to reach a good aim. And I didn't like it. The following day, at school, I wanted to make him more involved in our activities, to show him the right way, that's why I had grabbed and floored him to the ground. Unfortunately, this was not enough, and not only for him, but also for me."
"What do you mean?"
"I started to think he was unrecoverable. That he would have never changed, that he would have never appreciated a friendly attitude. Don't ask me why, but I didn't want him to be next to our group. I feared that his attitude would have ruined the club." She lowered her eyes, uncomfortably "Even when I tried to joke, something inside me was distrusting him, and it was pushing me to be more... more aggressive towards him. It was pushing me to hate him. Without either noticing it, I started to copy his same behavior, no, I started to become even worse. I can't have fun and mock him as if he were Kei-chan... I'm feeling as if I'm in competition against him, as if I want to defeat him using his same weapons."
"And so were you trying to challenge him, today, when you started behaving that rudely? And what would have happened if he had accepted? Did you think to win?"
Mion reflected about it. She seemed to had neither thought about the result, and in fact she told: "I don't know, really. Mine has been an instinctive reaction, I guess. Just like a lion which protects his territory, and it doesn't matter if the enemy is another lion, a pigeon or a large group of poachers. It's driven by its instinct, which tells it what it has to do, and the probable final result of that fight becomes the least important thing."
"And you were making it because, from your point of view, he was trying to impose his view of the world and to delete yours, am I right? You were feeling like attacked by him."
"Attacked... Yes, it's the right word. I felt, and I still feel, the need to defend myself, even if I don't like this sensation. And I'd have liked to shout, and to fight as a real warrior... But I am able neither to get really angry. I can only look alike being so."
Shion looked at her sister for a while, then she looked above herself and she answered: "Well, I don't think it's a bad thing, what you've just said. Staying calm in every situation is a great gift."
Mion understood her sister's note, and she knew its real meaning. Her sister was extremely protective towards the ones she cared, like Mion herself, Satoko, Satoshi... but, even if to a slightly lesser extent, also the other members of the club, and many others. And if any external factor menaced one of them, she was ready to fight for them at once, getting quickly angry and aggressive if something seriously wrong happened. Shion used to lost her temper easily, she was aware of it, and she regretted that side of her nature, that's why she might talk about it knowledgeably.
However, she was wrong, and Mion tried to explain the reason: "I'm not speaking about being calm... You know, when the situation is critical I lose my control, too, simply it's not due to anger, but to something else. It's even worse than that."
"So, what should be the real cause of it?"
"Well... There have been cases where I didn't know what to do. And this had made me desperate. I remember..." she stopped, uneasily. In her mind had appeared the scene of her sister caught by the Yamainu, when they were in that cave, and at that time only Rika was able to save her. Mion hadn't been able to find another solution, and she couldn't do anything but crying, and hugging Satoko with her heart full of terror and anguish. That moment was so similar to the one at the prefecture... The plan she had arranged with the others' help had been defeated, and only an intervention by someone else had saved them. She suddenly felt stupid and useless, for one moment.
Mion looked at Shion, again, before adding: "Yes, there have been days when I feared to be the one wrong... But I couldn't accept that Gi-chan was right. It wouldn't be fair, it would be sorrowful for him, too. And this sensation made me similar to him, or at least to how I see him... I've copied him. Sometimes I ask myself if I really have my own character, or if I am only a mirror who copies the other. Kind with the kind Satoshi-kun, joyful with the joyful Kei-chan... rude with the... rude Gi-chan, I know it's not polite to describe him so, but this explains everything very well, in my opinion."
She added nothing else, but her thoughts were running fast, now. Yes, this must be true... With the other inhabitants I am polite because they are polite with me, they recognize my role... And with Shion I like to quarrel, but because she likes to do it. And when... when I forced Shion to rip her nails... I was so cold and insensible, towards her... I was absorbing Batcha's character, in that moment, and mine had been as superscripted, I had been so weak, I was only able to force her to rip my nails too. And to get what? It had been helpless. She looked at the mirror she had observed earlier, her mind full of doubts. Who am I, really? Have I really my own nature, or I just go by how the others behave with me? Is this... an effect of that protein, maybe, a result of the ATPC inside my blood... inside my soul? So, is this a curse, rather than a bless? This story will drive me to desperation...
She didn't realize she had said these last words aloud. She grasped it only when she saw Shion becoming suddenly sad, and she immediately got the cause of it. She had described the ATPC as a curse, but that same protein had saved Satoshi, and Shion now felt guilty of being happy thanks to her sister's disgraces.
"I'm sorry, I didn't intend to insult you, or causing you such a sorrow."
"It's all fine, Onee." she answered, smiling "I'm not unaware of your state of concern. It's absolutely normal."
Mion's mind restarted to be lost in her thoughts. I wonder if she's as similar to me as we think. She has not spent a pleasant period in St. Lucia's academy, but she has learnt to defend herself. She has built her own character, unlike me. Maybe is it due to the fact she doesn't carry the ATPC? I wouldn't know what to answer... In the past she didn't speak a lot with the other people from Hinamizawa, she hasn't met them so many times, dressed as Shion. So she is free to take care only of someone, namely the ones who really matter to her. She would help the whole Hinamizawa only because this would mean helping me, perhaps, but finally she can choose what to do... I couldn't do such a thing, I couldn't take such a choice. Neither if I wanted to, my role imposes me to act for everyone's sake, even if I can't claim I dislike it, after all.
"Onee? Where are you? Is your mind traveling all around the universe?"
Mion hadn't noticed that her sister was trying to talk with her. "Shion, I'm sorry... But you could avoid to tease me, at least in these hard moments."
"Ah, to tell the truth I should be the one sorry, I couldn't help it." she laughed "However, I think you're wrong. Satoshi-kun is a quiet boy, but it's not the sitting duck you were describing. And Kei-chan is a challenging and strong one, but who has weaknesses too, and who can't do everything alone. And so Gi-chan, if I've understood him well enough he answers only if provoked, and only against people he doesn't esteem. You... you tend to catch only one side of their nature, in the beginning, and you focus only on that, when you have to decide how to behave with them. And then you regret the first steps of your relationship between you and them. Do you remember when you were regretting to have looked alike a tomboy to Kei-chan, and when you wanted to restart everything from the beginning, to show him your girly side? It's just the same. Do you want to be afraid to be considered a bad girl? If it isn't so, don't be afraid to change your mind, nobody will complain about it if you do it well."
"You're making it a bit too easy, now" answered Mion "I think it will be harder than how you're describing it." And then she smiled, to brace up. I shouldn't worry that much about what the ATPC is doing inside me, I could never discover it anyway, unless Irie-sensei finds out the truth about it. She looked at the mirror, again. This time, she wasn't alone. Shion had went next to her, and now two figures were reflected, instead of one. That sight reminded her she wasn't alone, indeed.
"However..." Mion added, "There's something else which concerns me."
"And what is it, now, Onee? Please show your inner feelings to your beloved sister, at once, without any sort of fear! What is it, then? Hair with split ends? Rings under your eyes? Some worrying lateness of your menstrual cycle?"
"I'm still serious, Shion, so please don't kid me!" the pony-tailed girl had closed her eyes annoyed, so the other twin decided to obey. Then Mion explained: "I remember, when Kei-chan had arrived to Hinamizawa and he had joined us, that a lot of people were interested in him. Immediately, after he had met them for the first time. Even Batcha, and Mom too... they had been aware of him since the very first day of his life here. That's why they weren't happy not to have received a visit from him, when he had arrived. They were a bit disappointed, but they kept a eye on him, even due to what I was telling them about him."
"They surely liked him..."
"And I know why. Young new villagers are great news, around here. There are not many boys around his age, here, and unluckily most of them go to Okinomiya's school, instead that to ours, so I wouldn't be surprised if they moved there, or somewhere else, once they've grown up. Without a decent number of young residents the village would disappear by a bunch of years, we all know it, so all of them were very happy to see him there, Kei-chan represented the future of Hinamizawa, once his family had decided to stay, and so they did have a future, as a matter of fact. But they were exaggerating, that was my opinion. And the fact he's a good mixer had increased this attitude. I remember... I remember I was getting envious."
"Really?" asked Shion, and Mion nodded.
"Yes. I didn't like how they were so pleased to talk with him, or even only to stay next to him. He was like a God, for them, but he neither belonged to one of the Three Great Families, so their praises sounded unnatural, to me. Maybe was it just because he was a boy, and I was a girl? I know that Batcha wanted a male heir, and that she had been disappointed when we had been born, but it wasn't fair anyway. Had I to become a boy, now? I even remember that I had wished for it in a loud voice, once, but it was a sort of joke in the end, I can't do anything with it for sure."
"And so? What had happened?"
"I had spent some night thinking at it... and I had realized that there was only a way to solve it. Grandma wanted to see the man who was destined to rule the family, one day, and Kei-chan had to belong to one of the Great Families, in order to reestablish this natural order."
"So... had you fallen in love with him because of these feelings? Had it been... a choice you had made on your own, and nothing else?"
"Yes and no. It hadn't been love at first sight, that's right. But that first artificial spark had been the real beginning of it. While knowing him better, and trying to win his heart, I started to love him seriously. You know, he do is a great and very interesting boy, and he carries a considerable charm, all the Angel Mort's waitresses care a lot about him, you surely have noticed it too. Perhaps it has been the wrong way to start an important relationship, but what could I do, then? Maybe that day at the prefecture has only given me a hand. It has shown what that story really was – only a simple calf love, and nothing more."
"You are too severe with yourself, now. Your feelings were sincere, and you mustn't blame yourself. And who has said it's all over, between you, now? Are you going to surrender after only the first crisis?"
"That's not the point, Shion... There's something else."
With a simple glance, Shion asked her sister what was the matter, and Mion answered: "Last Sunday, at the prefecture, I had seen him not surrendering to the Evil, and show his inner nature. Full of rage, but also full of strength and belief in his own abilities. He knew what he was doing, even when the situation looked compromised and irreversible. He didn't surrend, on the contrary of what I did."
"And so..." Shion opened her eyes wide.
"So, after everything had ended, I was a bit angry with Gi-chan, but I was also envying him, just like I envied Kei-chan in the past, even if for a different reason. And I'm still envying him." she took a pause, looking confused, then she added: "But I don't want to do the same mistake. Gi-chan and I have nothing in common, a love story between us would never work, and moreover he has to go back to Italy next summer. Furthermore, Rena is spending a lot of time with him and his family in last period, she has arrived before me even if I wanted to challenge her. So I'd better to choose another path, another way to silence this envy, hopefully a better one. What would you do if you were me, Shion?"
…
The little crèche above the fireplace really suited the silence present in the living room. The penumbra generated by the turned off lights, moreover, stressed the melancholy of that environment, and invited Giancarlo not to talk, and to look around wordless. Finally, he didn't want to speak, and in the room there was nobody to talk with. After a dinner consumed inside an unreal atmosphere, Alice and he had talked about what had happened, and her sister, in particular, had feared that he wanted to go back home that same evening. Her brother preferred not to answer to her question, he wanted to take a few time to think about it. After that dialogue, she had to go away, Rena had called for her at her home, claiming it was something important, and she asked her to come alone, so she had left him there, absorbed into his reflections.
At home, he thought, he had never had a great number of friends, among his classmates and the boys of his own age. He was used to talk with older people, and he considered relationships with the younger ones not important, not necessary. Why had he been thinking that in Hinamizawa it would have been different? The adults of the village had a good feeling with him, he had helped them to solve quite a high number of problems concerning economical or technical issues, but, on the other hand, he had already quarreled with Rika some week before, and now he had done the same with Mion. What would have happened at school, after winter break? He concluded that he'd better to stay in a corner, until the end of the period of his residence there. But would it have been a reasonable idea? Shouldn't he rather go back to home at once, instead? But this would have meant recognizing to be a weak, and he couldn't allow himself to be so...
He looked at the phone. It was nearly 9 PM, there was a high chance that someone from Italy had been going to call, like what sometimes happened, to know what was going on there. First the matter with Rika, then the one with Nabiha, now this... They're thinking I am nothing but a scrappy, I fear. He'd have liked not to talk with anyone, but he would have been forced to, if the phone had rung. I can't really be a good leader... I can only cover up for the others. I can't avoid the Evil to reach me, I can only be able to keep it far from the others. I... I will be always an unhappy man, in the end, but I must be strong, I must be ready to face what Life has reserved to me.
Suddenly, he turned his head with a start, because of a sound. Nevertheless, it was not the phone, but the door bell. It couldn't be Alice, she had left home only some minute before, and she would have never rang, she would have entered directly. So, become curious, he reached the door, after having turned on the lights, and before opening it he looked through the peephole, to see who was it.
He gasped, shocked for an instant. M-mion? His first reaction was to go far from the door, and not to answer, pretending that the house was empty. If she had been there Alice would have never liked to talk with her, after what had occurred at the Manor. But he quickly changed his mind, he had to be mature. She's here to apologize? She looks dejected, but... I don't want to talk with her, now. He touched the door with his right hand, and he waited for some second. No further sound. Mion didn't ring the bell a second time, she was standing motionless in front of the door, keeping her glance low. She's going to renounce to see me, if I don't answer, then? Is she going back home, now? However, while still deep into these fears he started unlocking the door, and opening it. It's still my duty to see what she wants to say. It's the right thing to do, they have taught me so.
Mion entered slowly, without either greeting. She reached the center of the room, and she waited for him to close the door again. Then she asked if he was alone, and the other nodded, explaining where Alice was.
"I see..." she just commented, looking at the crèche Giancarlo was staring at earlier. Then she added: "It wouldn't be a nice Christmas Time, for you, in your actual situation doesn't change quickly, am I right?"
The other boy didn't know what to answer. Is she still mocking me? Or there is a more serious reason for her to come here? And why she has asked if I was alone? He tried to look at her eyes, to get her intentions, but she was turning her back to him, and her low glance didn't allow him to do it. So he started to walk towards her, to find out her last aim.
"Please don't move." she replied, noticing it "I'm here for only a reason, and then you'll be free to chase me away, if you want to." She turned back towards him, and she quickly knelt, staying nearly laid on the floor, and keeping her head low.
"I'm sorry" she shouted, desperately crying as a baby "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry..." she went on so for more than a minute, before adding something else. Then she slowly raised her head, looking at him, then she rubbed her eyes with a hand, to wipe away her tears, and she explained: "You know, Shion had suggested me to apologize as soon as possible, and I agree with her, I don't want to cause sorrow to you, or to Ali-chan, I'm going to talk with her too." She rubbed her eyes again. Despite of her will, they were still dropping bitter tears, and she wasn't able to stop them. And her words were full of regret, too: "You'll see it, I'm going to be a good girl, from now on... I want to make up for what I have done to you, why don't you come with us to Okinomiya's leisure center with us, tomorrow? It's going to be a nice day, I promise..."
Giancarlo was not that happy to see her asking for his forgiveness. He was very embarrassed by that scene, and, realizing his friend state of mind, he tried to make her feel more at ease: "Mii-chan, I'm happy you wanted to make peace, it's all OK now, it's just like nothing has happened, and there's nothing you should apologize for..."
"Don't you want to come with us? Have you already some engagement? Maybe because it's Christmas eve, and you have to meet some relative or friend somewhere..." she asked, visibly worried.
"N-no, besides the Keresanas we have not intimates in Japan, if you insist we'll be glad to join you, but you mustn't humiliate yourself in this way."
"It doesn't matter. I don't want you to hate me, I don't want you to hate anybody, here. It's being a wonderful day, tomorrow. I'm going to be a good girl..."
The boy helped her to stand up again, and he invited her to drink a cup of hot chocolate, but he was still worried. Her voice was still full of sorrow, and while going from the living room to the kitchen he could hear her repeating those words. I'm going to be a good girl, I'm going to be a good girl, I'm going to be a good girl... That was what she was saying, in an endless and disturbing cycle.