Chapter 26 – Love Instead
Hi. Sorry for taking so long. Major writer's block. I actually wrote 3 different versions of this chapter none of it seemed right until now. Hopefully you'll agree.
Livbuk1900 – I think in the last chapter Quinn fought pretty hard (by giving Rachel the decision-choice) but Rachel was a bit unsure and crippled by old wounds (which is fair enough). Thanks for reading =)
Lochie17 – Thanks so much, glad you like the story. I'm even more grateful that you're rereading bits of it.
Piecesofyourheart – Thanks for the compliment. I promise that this is a real update, no need to pinch yourself! P.S I love that you know where the avatar is from, you're now one of my fav ppl! "High-five."
EAnIL – Haha, I promise I don't do it on purpose. Where do you live? Maybe it's time zone factor. Hope this catches you before you are trying to sleep =)
S8105 – Thanks for the cupcake and sprinkles! Sorry for the long wait. And thank you for making me go all "aw shucks" from your review. I do enjoy character development as well. This chapter ties up a lot of the aftermath and loose ends, I hope you enjoy it and still trust in me =)
Urdappletomypie – So grateful to receive your longest review ever! Thanks.
ILiveOnMars – XD I don't think I've gotten as many proposals as when I started this fic. Thanks for the offer! But, it seems a few chapters back, I have already been married off to S8105 =) Hope you like this chapter.
Phoebex13 – I'd like to continue writing. It just depends on my workload and what pairing strikes my imaginative fancies. The wild adventures of Lewis and Santana, huh? Could definitely work =) Thanks I couldn't agree with you more; no offence to the writers but I have to admit I don't understand season3/4 Brittany. Weddings and Fababies are in the next chapter but I hope you'll like this chapter just as much.
Now, onto the reading!
/
In reality, it takes only seconds for the events of the past week to catch up to them. Rachel feels herself tremble under the wave of knowledge and leftover excitement over choices made. She doesn't know how she ended up on the balcony of the pianist's apartment. And, if you asked, she couldn't even recall the words that were so desperate to escape her lips that night; to convince, confess and adore.
However, when she's able to close her eyes and finally rest, none of it really matters. For the first time, loneliness and compromise isn't the only thing to come to mind. One day, Quinn might remind Rachel of her makeshift heroics as she stood and agreed to second chances but by then, there'll be so many other stories to tell. Tales of matching silver rings, joint hardships and the sought after happy ending.
Briefly they look out to the world of music, glamour and busy people, anxiously awaiting their return. It's easy to make out the gleam of the high-powered camera lenses if they try. All at once, they realize that nothing is as easy as midnight grocery runs and quiet dinner dates. Not anymore.
And, it should scare them. It should make them question and reconsider. But maybe this time they don't have to, because when Quinn reaches out to intertwine their fingers, the girls decide that they're done thinking.
Rachel has always wondered about fame and the associated large windows on penthouse suites. Was it simply a luxurious paid view of the skyline? Or perhaps the example of a deep longing to rejoin a world to which you no longer fit in. The problem with elevation is that you forget. You barely recall what it's like to walk in the hustle and rush of everyday life, where no one knows you and better yet, they might not care to. But, out of all things that Rachel thinks that she's given up, Quinn is the one part of her memories that is determined to stay. Ensconced in the pianist arms, it feels familiar; it feels so much like home.
So, after the sun sets, it'll signal the end of the day and perhaps the end of something more important: the last chapters of their lives that they're willing to live apart. For in the dim light, Rachel doesn't want to leave and Quinn has space in her king sized bed, and a guest room – if the singer feels so inclined.
Briefly, the blonde wonders if she'll have to ask, offer or plead, not that it mattered; she was willing to do all three.
Rachel tilts her head up and softly presses a kiss to Quinn's lips. It's quick and the shy expression that follows is utterly endearing. Her hair might hide the reddening of her cheeks but there's nothing to mask the spark and excitement in her eyes. Suddenly, Quinn finds her pulse quickening. It occurs to her that she might be a little lost and out of her depth but she'll certainly enjoy being found.
In the end, it could've been the soft moonlight slipping in during their exchanges. Or it could have been the faint lighting of the phones, stacked on the coffee table and set on silent, but even so, it really did feel like they could shut the world out, even if it was only for one night. That possibly, a romance shared with the public could work.
Maybe Rachel and Quinn didn't have to live by the rules of the game.
Maybe, they could survive and love brilliantly in the spotlight.
And maybe, just maybe they could be the ones to make it easier, but certainly never easy…
/
Somehow they'll make to Quinn's bedroom without breaking contact. The blonde's hands reverently slide down from Rachel's hair to her neck, shoulder and waist, lowering her to the bed. They'll fall into each other with a slight dip. And, when the girls finally break apart there's mischief in Rachel's eyes as she tugs playfully on the hem of the pianist's shirt. Quinn chuckles softly.
In the ease of everything, they swear that this is the happiest they've ever been. What seemed like a right or entitlement of love in their younger years is revealed to be far more precious and fragile now. Rachel feels herself drift and shiver with the slightest contact. And, Quinn can't recall the last time she was ever so in awe of anything.
Quietly, the singer's voice comes out in a whisper.
"Quinn, this is going to get messy. It's going to be hard. All of your secrets and mistakes are about to be broadcast…"
There's a pause, as the frightening notion sinks in. Rachel has a worried grip on the collar of Quinn's shirt. And, as her face remains buried in the pianist's neck, a slow inhale reminds her of the scent that never seemed to wash away. That simple combination of lilac and subtly scented soap brings feelings of security and courage, imbedded not only in her pillowcase and bed sheets but also within recesses of her mind. So, Rachel speaks earnestly. It is slightly muffled, but Quinn finds she understands.
"I'd love to promise you, everything…"
But I can't. The rest of the sentence is left unsaid.
Quinn rests her chin on the Rachel's head, breathing deeply. She doesn't roll her eyes at the proposed dramatics or wave the concerns away. Instead, she listens. She hears the problems, if only so they can be closer to putting them away. But in the moment, her heart skips a beat and she's moved by the honesty in Rachel's tone. And to anyone who'd care enough to notice, it's obvious that the singer's words have an effect as the blonde temporarily loses her graceful posture and confident etiquette.
Quinn Fabray has always been strong and independent, whether it was because of a misguided sensibility or lack of trust of others. She didn't need someone to sweep her off her feet. But, Rachel Barbra Berry is …special, exceptional even. With nothing but openness and pure conviction in her affections and compliments, she manages to do so and it feels effortless. It's so hard to remain unaffected.
And Quinn? Quinn can't quite force her feet to stay steady on the ground.
So if luck and circumstances permit, the girls hold onto the hope that they might still be meant for fairytales.
They wake up the next morning with Quinn's arms wrapped around the singer. Rachel's fingers are loosely woven through the pianist's un-brushed hair and they quickly throw away all the lessons that they've learnt about living apart, because, they're not needed anymore.
/
In the coming months, the girls discover how to swim against the current because acceptance doesn't come easily. There are times when Lewis, Santana and Brittany have to step in and help. And during those moments, Rachel and Quinn will wonder if it'll come at all, because somehow the world is torn. In an age filled with pessimism and the end of Cinderella stories, people are wary about all things new. They think that love is hard enough as it is, and that a love between two young women, under the glare of Hollywood lights, might just be asking for a little too much…
Still, Rachel and Quinn are the two that withstand the onslaught. Unlike so many others, they acknowledge that this is the life they've chosen. Rachel loves singing and her voice leaves an impact on every adoring ear. Whilst, Quinn has always been writer. It helps her reflect and draft their story because someday, when they're old, maybe a lingering soundtrack can be the thing to remind everyone and each other that they were here. Maybe people will talk about the two girls from Lima, Ohio who managed to hold onto each other.
They'll promise at the start not to lie, not to run and not to lose sight of the things that matter. During the days that seem to be made just to break them, Rachel and Quinn will stop and breathe. They'll look around and see the lives they've built together and it'll almost seem simple as they choose love instead.
There are two parts to their story.
In the public, Rachel plays the hero, guardian and the strong one. With her experiences and knowledge, it's a reversal of their high school roles as Quinn follows her lead. The singer is patient as she shows the pianist how to respond to the cameras and ever present microphones. And like Quinn's guiding touches when she had taught Rachel pieces on the piano, the singer has a warm encouraging smile. As Rachel makes kind attempts to reduce Quinn's automatic and sarcastic rebuttals, there's nothing but an honest invitation to join her world.
And behind closed doors, during sneaked cinema excursions and in the privacy of their homes, the girls return to the roles that seemed so ingrained. They're simply two people in love, charmed, doting and hopeful. Often they'll end up in Quinn's bedroom in her new New York apartment. And even though they've never said so out loud the space is entirely theirs without grand declarations of shared drawers and secondary key sets.
Rachel finds that, on the difficult days and tired evenings, Quinn always has a warm pot of tea ready by the stove. There's no push to talk. Wordlessly, the girls will continue their own tasks. Rachel would put her scarf and coat away and Quinn would head over to the piano in the center of the living room. Slowly, a tune plays in the background: sometimes it's an old familiar one and other times it's new. Either way, Rachel feels her eyes flutter closed. In those seconds, the weight lifts and she feels closer to her usual self. The sound of a romantic bridge or a charismatic spin on a common chorus manages to draw a soft smile to her face.
These are the snippets of their lives that the world never finds out about. It is their best-kept secret when others wonder about what makes them so special.
So, with tightly held hands, caring smiles and an unshakeable devotion, they find pockets of time where they're alone and the defenses fall away. Despite the struggles faced, each glance is warmer and each touch is fonder. They're laughing as they get to be themselves, shedding the public skin and learning something new about each other.
/
The first time is an excuse, a method of escape from prying eyes and far too curious questions. After the initial barrage of interviews, the force of the opinions surprises the girls and they find that they just need a break. In a practiced motion, Rachel guides Quinn past the backdoor and bribes the security guards. She takes Quinn to an old dance studio in a neglected part of town. The rusted gates are barely a defense against anything except for the wayward piece of litter. In the beginning, Quinn finds herself wondering about the need for tetanus shots, but towards the end she'll understand Rachel's proud and warm expressions.
The most striking aspect is the inside. With laminated wooden floors and a high ballroom type ceiling, it's a direct contradiction of its outward appearance. Layers of peeling paint add the its character as various nicks and scuffs on the walls tell stories about its history and previous tenants. Images of young girls and boys come to mind, gleeful and in a rush to find art in their movements. There's a slight whipping sound as the outside wind manages to ruffle the ripped curtains, creating haphazard patterns on the bland walls. Quinn thinks that during the in between moments, the shadows almost looked like slow dancing marionettes and she can't help the slight sense of amazement.
It isn't until then that she notices Rachel. The brunette has shed her coat, in the beginnings of a leg stretch along the ballet bars. Dressed in an only an oversized sweater and simple black tights, the singer seems lost in her mind. Her hair is tied together in a loose bun as thin wisps fall beside her cheek, framing her face. Quinn finds herself unable to move, enamored by the image. She almost falls forward, feeling a need to touch what her eyes failed to do justice. A million photos still wouldn't be enough. But before she does, Rachel looks up, smiling gently as she walks to the blonde. She brushes her fingers down Quinn's arm, unaware of the tingles left in the wake of her touch. She'll hold the pianist's hands and leading them to the edge of the stage at the end of the room.
It's soft and leisurely, an exercise in slow exploration as Rachel leans in to kiss Quinn. There are no reporters and publicists, it's entirely quiet and if feels so familiar. The girls think that they can hear their hearts beating and a familiar giddiness that threatens to overwhelm. Whilst they were never going to be like everyone else, they realize that they could have this: moments where the illusion of their own world gives them a chance to love and feel free.
Taking one last hungry press of their lips, Rachel steps back. She whispers that she wants to show Quinn something. In the end, there's no soundtrack but between the wind, the creaking floorboards and the tune in her mind, Rachel's body can feel the steps and movements. She finally understands Brittany passion for dance. At the start, it is slow. Rachel's arm is raised to the side in a perfect arch and she transitions into a balanced turn. The act causes a rebellious strand of hair to splay across her jawline but she's so lost into the moment, she barely cares. She glides across the floor, breaking into a jump. In the air, her legs part into straight lines and her arms are extended. It almost looks as if her hand is always reaching for something that wasn't there.
Quinn swallows thickly, trying to relieve the dryness in her mouth. There's no chill in the room and yet she can't stop trembling. It's gradual, but she starts to see the music in Rachel's motions. In less than a second, she confirms that the singer has always been her inspiration. And although, she feels naked without an instrument, Quinn can hear the music that should be playing in the background, and with her voice, maybe she could hum it…
Silently she'll slip off the stage, walking around the singer, careful not to intrude. Somehow, their talents merge effortlessly together. Quinn's light alto falls in line, complimenting and interpreting Rachel's every movement and flex of her thin muscles. Quinn will compose on the spot, translating her feelings into something tangible. During the process she finds a freedom absent from sessions of pen to paper, as each note is instinctual and the first to come to mind. Her voice builds when it needs to and easily carries the softer tones.
Between the strong purposeful arches and the fragile soft turns, Quinn actually stops breathing. She thinks that she finally understands when she sees it: the grief and frustration that bleeds out of the singer. Each pirouette communicates a broken need to be left in peace, to be able to love without threat. The soft morning light bathes Rachel, highlighting the tension in her toned body and the tortured expressions in her face. There's no crafted response, no doublespeak to hide behind. And, Quinn finds that she just wants to be a part of it. She just wants to be there for Rachel, with Rachel. There's an emotion in the singer's dedicated movements that brings moisture to her eyes.
If she was being honest, Quinn has always thought that Rachel was beautiful. And then, there were unique moments where the combination of timing, lighting and the surroundings depicted the singer as a something more than the word beautiful could ever justifiably cover. And in those instances, Quinn realizes that she'll never be able to walk away from this, she'll never quite move on from Rachel Berry.
She's roused out of her thoughts by the singer's voice. By now Rachel had finished, electing to simply walk around. She wears a strange combination of affection and respect as she touches the surfaces of the walls.
"You know I never could let go of this place."
Quinn meets Rachel's gaze, curiously tilting her head.
"Why?"
"This was my last performance before I became…"
Unable to find the words, Rachel pauses, her eyebrows furrow in thought. Eventually, she manages to utter.
"…Before everyone knew me."
There's a conflicted expression, as her eyes turn glassy. Sometimes, she'll wonder what it would be like if she didn't come to New York and if she stayed with Quinn. In her weak moments and after scathing comments by the media, Rachel sometimes thinks about what it would feel like to throw in the towel and by then it's far too easy for her memories to pull her back. She's taken back to times where happiness was scarce and isolation seemed like the only thing that existed.
However, this time Quinn is her tether. The pianist brings Rachel into an embrace and somehow through soft touches and searing kisses, their nerves begin to fade. It's suddenly easier to speak, easier to breathe and Rachel is able to explain.
"The weeks leading up to Julliard's graduation I was so anxious. I couldn't really do anything. I mean, I had been to countless auditions for off-Broadway and record productions. And I got nothing. I was either too strong, to small or too inexperienced for the part."
All too quickly, the comments of the directors, choreographers and panelists come to mind.
"So I told Brittany that I was tired of it all; after losing you and having to forge a new life in New York alone. It seemed too hard. I mean, if I was talented enough, pretty enough and if I was really meant for this, it shouldn't make me feel so…I don't know, hopeless…"
Quinn doesn't know how to answer and she can't control the sadness that seeps into her eyes. Instead, she simply tightens her grip around Rachel, hoping that her presence now could still soothe old scars. And it's in that imperfect gesture of understanding that Rachel feels heard.
The subtle changes in the pianist gaze communicate similar thoughts and Rachel thinks that she recognizes the emotions. They had been two trains on parallel tracks. In her college years, Quinn couldn't understand why something she had strived so hard for, an education she thought she wanted could bring so little joy. And Rachel, she found herself lost and looking for reasons to fail.
The experiences that should have been shared together forced the girls to grow up in ways that were unexpected. After missing so much, sometimes they question if they can keep up. They're certainly ready to fight for it. Rachel cups Quinn's jaw, holding the pianist's gaze. In such unguarded sessions, there's a softness in the blonde's features that seems especially reserved for her. And under such adoring attention, Quinn clears her throat gently. She could be the prettiest girl in the world, but she can't fathom when only one person's opinion began to matter.
"So what happened?"
Rachel smiles at the attempt to move the conversation along. Almost as if caught in a haze, she turns around in Quinn's arms to place a slow kiss to the corner of the blonde's mouth.
Then, there's a pause. The blonde's eyes are shut and her lips are slightly parted. There's a blush making itself known along her cheekbones and it takes a second for her to capture the feeling. Rachel simply continues to draw circles on the inside of the delicate pale wrists and when Quinn returns, she is happy to answer. In the process, they understand with perfect clarity what adolescent butterfly feelings had become.
"Brittany did."
The response comes out in a slow exhale. Rachel shakes her head to herself, reliving the memory. She doesn't know why she needs to tell Quinn any of this, but whatever this was, and whatever they have… it really is everything.
It hurts. It's hard and it's the only real thing that makes them happy. So they'll stay, they'll give it all they have and maybe they'll discover that even when they were bruised and battered, they were never quite broken. Rachel wants to share every major moment in her life and Quinn is content to listen. Love finds a niche in the words they say and the touches they make.
"Funnily enough, Brittany could be patient through me being a zombie, me yelling at her to go away and me coming home at late hours. But…when I said I wanted to give up, I think that was that first time that I've ever seen her angry."
Part of her is still surprised. Rachel still finds it sad that the three pillars of McKinley's popularity, the unholy trinity were perhaps the most misunderstood. For all the complaints and slushies, those others in the glee club had always had the opportunity to be themselves. They had been proud in their opinions, fashion and talents. Yet the girls that ruled, that played the harsh roles of protector, leader and past villains felt that they couldn't share that they might be more than a cheerleading uniform.
However during senior year when high school rules became blurry and lines got mismatched, Rachel was given a glimpse. When Quinn began to call her by her first name and that quiet affection found its way into hazel eyes, the singer was given a chance to realize it all. Rachel wears a thoughtful look as she continues.
"That night, Brittany dragged me out of our apartment without letting me change out of pajamas and drove me here. Did you know that she was teaching a bunch of inner city kids how to dance ballet?"
For a moment Rachel looks away, almost a little exasperated.
"I didn't... But, she showed me. She told me to dance with them in their small production and that if I couldn't find the fun afterwards, she'd let me go. She'd help me pack and drive me back to Lima."
Quinn doesn't say a thing, raising her eyebrows. However, it's not in surprise as a kind look appears on her face.
Brittany S. Pierce had always had an affinity towards children, not because of any large lapse in intelligence or decision making capacity. Instead, the dancer had always just found comfort and familiarity in childlike methods of thinking, where the first conclusion made isn't always the scariest. Brittany believed that people were never as trusting or as open as when they're young and that it is such a hopeless tragedy when those qualities disappear with age. So, she loved to immerse herself in their innocent thoughts and ideas, and maybe also managing to share some of her own.
Still, Quinn recognizes the changes in her tall friend and she figures that Santana does as well. For as much as Brittany helped Rachel, the singer was perhaps the bigger teacher. In having to take care of Rachel and be the one to have the clear mind, Brittany had matured. She learned the responsibilities that Quinn and Santana had protected her from and somehow became better and more comfortable at translating her intelligence into something graspable.
Rachel's voice comes out softly.
"But, I remembered, you know. Somehow joining them in their plié and pirouettes, I felt like me again. I remembered what I wanted and, what you gave us up for…"
Quinn breathes in sharply. Her heart quickens and she tries to keep the tears from her eyes. Not needing to question the sudden change, Rachel squeezes the pianist's hands and looks into hazel eyes. There's nothing but appreciation and affection in her actions. It had taken her a while but she had eventually understood Quinn's choices that night. She might not have agreed with them but she could see the reasoning. Sometimes, during long nights in distant cities, the realization that it had all been for her and her aspirations, had been the thought that kept the fractured pieces of her heart together. And with that, Rachel had fallen a little deeper.
"Broadway. It was still the dream."
A pain lodges itself in Quinn's throat and she tries to be strong. Instead, her mind travels back to a discussion had with Leroy Berry.
Do you think that she'll ever forgive me?
Quinn recalls the importance in that answer. Leroy had been hesitant to cast decisions and give false hope. But he knew his daughter well and he thought that Rachel's feelings for the pianist would weather through the heartbreak and temporary confusion. He thought that his daughter would want to see Quinn again and finish their lives with emotions that got them here.
Rachel pulls Quinn to the wall beside them. Her hand travels to the back of the pianist neck, making calm circles. There's a natural tendency for their heads to move closer and be in shared space. When there's less than centimeters between them, sensations are enhanced and pulses run so much faster. Rachel is a little shy; their lips almost brush as she speaks.
"Brittany did this thing where she told the kids to scribble their goals, the one thing that they wanted most onto the wall behind you. She said that it would be their magic wall, that once they wrote it down, with hard work it could come true."
The singer steps back, never leaving contact with the pianist. She tilts her head and smiles in an unspoken invitation. As Rachel's presence untangles itself from her senses, Quinn takes a moment to orientate herself before turning around. The many distinct scrawl-like carvings surprise her. In the wake of the many dreams filling the length of the wall, the blonde is honored and a little blown away. Her fingers follow some statements wondering how far each person had gotten; to win record deal, to buy mom a house, to make something that matters. She thinks that she understands why Rachel finds a sanctuary in this place as the singer's voice makes it to Quinn's ear.
"Brittany made me do it as well. She said it be good for me, like how cutting your hair was good for you."
A shiver floods Quinn's body at the proximity, it's a challenge to keep her thoughts pure but the implication of the words makes it through. When she's brave enough to look up, Rachel has left her side and stands at the end of the wall, staring intently at the corner. Quinn has never been so afraid to trust her sight before. She has 20-20 vision but the words depicted still seem hazy, muddled by the warm tear that slips down her cheek.
Quinn Fabray's Forever.
The one phrase is neatly etched, distinct in a background of childish handwriting. Quinn can't help but bow her head as a wave of warmth hits her. One, two, three: she takes short, concise breaths just enough to keep her stable and composed. She honestly tries, because she never imagined that she could be this person. After her past and her choices, she didn't think she could still be the girl who could be caught off-guard by romantic gestures and someone that loves her.
"Rachel…"
The name slips from her lips. With hazel eyes still widened in surprise, Quinn hopes that her feelings bleed through her expressions because around the singer eloquence seems to take a leave of absence. But Rachel doesn't mind, she simply smiles and walks back to the blonde.
"I thought she expected me to write Broadway or something, but when I wrote this, Brittany just smiled as if she knew it all along."
Taking Quinn's hands in hers, she leans close. Their eyes lock and if it's possible they make the decision to love over everything else; to keep each other safe and always choose each other. Rachel's words are sweet, quiet and sincere.
"I want this. And as difficult as all this is, I want your forever Quinn because, you've always held mine. It's too early for marriage and there's still so much to get through, but you're the only person I want to even consider when the time comes."
Quinn takes a trembling breath as her hand finds its place to Rachel's neck, caressing in the direction of the singer's jaw. With raised hairs and fluttering pulses both of their eyes shut tight at the feeling and in that second, everything registers. They can hear the background cars and birds outside of the studio, they can feel the warmth and electricity travelling between their skin and they can imagine the future…
Unmistakably, the answer is yes.
Quinn wants to make Rachel's rough days better. She doesn't want the singer to feel like a gypsy between nights on tour because now the pianist can be the one waiting in the bus, in the hotel rooms and in their apartment in New York. Quinn wants to entertain with sarcastic comments and the small dates that they can get away with. During those moments, they'll bribe the local establishment, buy a carton of vegan-friendly ice cream and dance the night away. They'll be unafraid.
And, Rachel wants to sing all of Quinn's songs. She wants to talk to the blonde about philosophy and nothing at all until their voices are hoarse and they're still not sick of each other. On nights of bad weather, Rachel wants to wrap her arms around Quinn. They'll never say it out loud but it's what the pianist needs. A secret only they know, because despite her independent persona, Quinn hates lightning and thunder, and she needs a little help during the storms.
In the end, it is their brand of forever and they are done waiting…
/
The second time they break away from the world is after a particularly bad interview. Despite the warning and practice provided by Santana, the reality of it all was a constant reminder that their relationship was unconventional and carried far more responsibility than simply to each other.
Some people claimed that they were pioneers, role models for those in a similar situation. That somehow, the strength of their attachment could pave the way for a brave new world. And with plenty of parents, media outlets and psychologists dissecting their actions and dialogues, the girls were told whether the world thought them as sincere or not. They were told to expect difficulties and challenges, as their odds of survival are tallied up for everyone to see.
The one thing that they weren't warned of was the topic of Beth. Maybe they had been too naïve, thinking that because months had passed without incident that the media wouldn't exploit that part of their lives. They were wrong…
It's on a live national broadcast, when the pointed questions are asked and the blood drains from Quinn's face. Regret and guilt comes in waves as the pianist silently removes the portable microphone from her shirt and runs out of the studio. There's a silence as nobody knows how to respond and it's possible that even the presenter realizes the lines crossed because the she finishes the interview early. She catches Rachel's furious gaze as she lets the singer chase after Quinn.
In the city that never sleeps, finding one person seems like an impossible task. Rachel, in her worry and concern can barely think straight. However, when Santana takes her aside to remind her that she was Quinn's exception, Rachel thinks she understands. She makes arrangements and sees a few people, as her mind and body goes on autopilot until she's standing in the doorway roof access from their apartment. Quinn sits in a wooden chair brought up from the kitchen, a safe distance from the ledge and overlooking the sunset. There's an orange glow accentuating her features.
"I'm sorry."
The two simple words, don't feel like enough as Rachel wrings her fingers. There's a spare chair next to the blonde, but the singer is rooted to her spot, feeling undeserving. Watching the back of Quinn's shoulders rise and drop in a sigh, it's hard to resist the urge to be on her knees begging for forgiveness.
"Are we ever going to stop?"
Quinn's husky voice asks, an obvious sign that she's been crying. It almost cripples Rachel when the blonde stands and turns around, because the longing and pain in those hazel eyes is devastating. The rest of the pianist's expression is blank and despondent. Both girls try not to flinch at the distance between them. It felt unnatural, but neither can bring themselves to make the first step towards each other. So, instead Rachel responds with a confused question.
"Stop what?"
There's a pause. Quinn feels cold and looks away before responding.
"Being sorry."
There is no bitterness in her tone, just an apathetic curiosity. Rachel's back straightens. She doesn't have an answer because sometimes she asks herself the same question.
"I hope so..."
Quinn's eyes flicker slightly at the honesty in the singer's voice and it's the first sign that things will be all right. Despite her crossed arms and guarded expression, she's hasn't walked away. She had taken a second chair to the roof and she had waited with the very knowledge that Rachel would come. It reminds her that the time they've spent together isn't in waste: that the happiness was there and now they just had to be willing to put in a little more work. Quinn recalls Rachel's scrunched nose as she tried to introduce street vendor food into the singer's diet. It wasn't successful by any means with long spiels about bacteria and cleanliness but she had enjoyed it all the same. She thinks she fell a little more in love with the Rachel that afternoon.
"I didn't do this behind your back or to hurt you."
Rachel finally manages to say. There it was, the real reason why the studio had suddenly felt suffocating. Quinn recalls the flash of panic and unfounded sense of betrayal when the interviewer had flashed that picture of Rachel and a much older Beth on the background screens. They seemed so happy; Beth was in the singer's arms in what seemed like a mid spin. Quinn didn't even have to look up to know that there would be guilt all over Rachel's face. Maybe it was her mistake when she had just shut down and left. But then again, did it matter that she was trying to do the right thing? For whatever would've come out of her mouth certainly wouldn't have been kind. And in her indecision and screwed up emotions, the one thing that still seemed to make sense was that she didn't want to hurt Rachel, not accidentally or on purpose.
Standing on the roof now, the pianist finds her skin itchy and uncomfortable, she tried not to think about Beth over the years. She promised herself that she could leave it alone, let her daughter live a happy oblivious life with Shelby, untainted by her old transgressions. The woman for all her shortcomings as Rachel's biological mother seemed so eager and devoted to making Beth's childhood different. But then, there were rare instances where Quinn would feel like something was missing and she'd remember what Beth had felt like in her arms. Those rushes of feeling would be so intense and abrupt that it would almost feel like an attack. Seeing Rachel in front of her now, Quinn doesn't know if she's simply envious of the opportunities that Rachel has had, knowing and getting along with Beth or if she's just angry for being kept in the dark. However, in the current scene, the singer looks so contrite and on the verge of falling apart. She cares so much about the pianist and Quinn swallows. Before they both notice, they've made their way across the distance and the blonde has Rachel wrapped tightly in her arms. Their eyes are shut, lending strength and whispered assurances as they silently promise not to let go.
Eventually, Rachel pulls back to say.
"She's my adoptive sister."
Quinn's jaw clench as she tries to keep her front. She doesn't want to think about it anymore. She just wants to be happy. However, Rachel sees through it all and she could stop. They could retire to their apartment with a warm blanket and a romantic comedy. Today's events would be overlooked. But, Rachel needs Quinn to understand why she did it. In the end, that might the only thing that matters. So with an imploring tone and a pleading grip on Quinn's hand, Rachel tries to explain.
"She's Shelby's daughter. And…she's yours."
The way the singer whispers that last word is undoubtedly heartbreaking. Rachel presses their foreheads together and tries to keep the tears from her voice.
"…I couldn't not know her…"
When Rachel had first started out in New York, she had been fractured and depressed. Shelby, who lived in the city at the time reached out. And between those conversations with a woman that could have, in another world, been her mother, Rachel found some understanding. Shelby was shocked when she had first heard about Quinn and Rachel. She couldn't see it but as their coffee meetings continued and Rachel's smile seemed to exist solely to talk about the blonde, she does. And honestly, Shelby had no idea what she was doing when she asked Rachel if she wanted to meet Beth.
The singer was unsure at the beginning, but tears streamed down her cheeks when she had first met the girl who had grown to be a replica of what Quinn would have looked at age of three. Somehow, it helped. Rachel got to know her sister and that tenuous connection to the girl that she loved was enough to help keep her head above the water. Throughout the years, it was more or less a success. Rachel spoiled Beth and Beth looked up to Rachel. They argued over certain things like any other sibling. And through the young girl's resemblance, Rachel felt as if like she hadn't quite lost Quinn yet…
The pianist's eyes soften. They wanted a part of each other in their lives, even when they thought that they wouldn't end up together. Somehow by chance events and changed trajectories, the notion of each other became almost essential to their concepts of living, loving and surviving. The only difference is that the girls are ready to admit it now.
Quinn kisses each of Rachel's knuckles reverently. And she gets it. She's the same. Without Rachel's voice on the radio and face on television screens, Quinn imagines that she'd be a lot more wrecked, disconnected in a way that no amount of alcohol and time spent around a piano could solve.
There's just a lingering question on her mind.
"Tell me something, is she happy? Does she have everything that Puck and I wanted for her?"
Rachel's face crumples in relief. There's a quiet desperation in the blonde's voice that makes her answer carefully and thoughtfully.
"Yes, I think she does."
With that simple statement, Quinn feels at peace in a way she could never manage before. She feels freer in her emotions as she looks up to the sky. She's grateful that some things turned out right, that she had done the best thing for Beth. And she's so thankful for Rachel. Quinn still has a million walls and ways to run away from her emotions. But Rachel is a persistent catalyst for the pianist's transformations, pushing her into someone different, better and someone that would actually stay.
And Quinn has every confidence that she would, you know… stay. She'll be with Rachel even when all her automatic defenses scream to run away. Looking into each other's eyes, the girls are certain that it must be love. So even if they are a little strained in the current setting, there's nothing but fondness and a desire to progress and make everything better. The pianist would write every serenade and Rachel would sing any lullaby. Quinn's not sure when they got to feeling like this, but she'll trust Rachel through every misunderstanding, fight and tragedy. She'll let Rachel save her till they're old, and even then; she'll still be Rachel's misfit lover to fix.
Rachel bites her lip, adorably. She opens her mouth and stops, hesitant. The question ends up coming out in a hurried rush.
"Do you want to meet her?"
Quinn tenses and for a second, Rachel is worried, unsure of her decision. The blonde becomes trapped in her panicked thoughts and expectations. But perhaps there's a sliver of hope in hazel eyes that only Rachel can see, because she continues.
"Shelby was supposed to visit me anyway. After the interview, I called her and she brought Beth along."
For a moment, there's just the sound of fast breathing. Rachel reaches out to brush a wayward leaf from Quinn's hair; she's perpetually stunned by how pretty the blonde really is, that she needs a second to formulate her responses. She'll furrow her brows as she realizes that she wants everything for the girl in front of her. However for all her successes and supposed resources, Rachel is terrified by the idea that she could be part of the problem. And sometimes, she really doesn't know how to stand beside Quinn, because the singer knows that she's selfish. She'd rather focus on righting every other wrong than consider that she might not be the best person for the pianist.
But now, Quinn looks at Rachel in a way that is different from High School, as if their relationship was the dream that was already here. She holds the singer's hand like the ground would come apart if they let go, promising that she'll go with Rachel anywhere. So in the current setting, they'll forget the situation and Rachel can't bring herself to feel guilty.
She tilts Quinn's head down, meeting her gaze. There's a caring smile as she lovingly tells the pianist.
"Beth wants to meet you. She asked to see you."
And Quinn remembers to take deep breaths. She can't control the sob that erupts from her throat and she's never been so afraid. Would Beth think badly of her? Would Beth understand? Could Beth ever love her?
It would be so easy to let her mind drift away: become pulled apart by the mistakes and uncertainties. Like a drug, she could let herself be distracted by oblivion. Quinn lets out a snicker. Sometimes, she hated growing up; she hated dealing with her past. Between a broken household and mixed-up priorities, there wasn't much to say. She didn't know what she could give Beth. However, Rachel was the one thing that Quinn did right and maybe the singer could find something in her to be proud of. So, Quinn will nod and watch as a look of encouragement crosses Rachel's features. Before the singer reaches the door, Quinn reaches out to grab Rachel's slender wrist. Her voice is weak, soft and uncharacteristically vulnerable.
"Rachel, will you…Can you stay here with me, with us? It's just, this is my first time seeing her since…"
Rachel nods, smiling brilliantly. Closing her eyes, Quinn lets the singer's enthusiasm wash over her. The brunette takes a last long caring glance at her girlfriend and is fiercely loyal in her response.
"I'll be here, Quinn. I will."
Quinn doesn't believe a lot of people when they tell her that things will be all right. She didn't, when her teachers at Bellevue said that things would get better. She didn't, when Mr Schue went on and on about how special they all were. And she didn't when the nurse who came in to take Beth away told her that it only hurts for a little while.
But, Quinn believes Rachel…
/
"Hi."
A delicate voice calls from the door. It's shy, quiet and hopeful.
Quinn stops, not sure how to turn around. Gradually, she hears the sounds of familiar high heels approach and a warm hand rests reassuringly on her lower back before slipping around to her stomach. The pianist has her eyes closed, leans back into the touch. Rachel hugs Quinn from behind, waiting for the tension to dissipate from taut muscles. She promises herself that she can be strong enough for the both of them. There's no pressure to hurry but Quinn feels calmer as she moves meets the young voice.
There's a nine-year-old girl. She's has long blonde hair that seems to curl a little at the ends. A tentative nod is given. It belies the sense of curiosity and confidence that brought her here. She doesn't have a cheerios uniform or Brittany and Santana as backup, but Beth's without fear as she stares at Quinn.
"Hello Beth."
It's a whisper, as the pianist tries to come up with something more to say. She'll let moisture cloud her eyesight and before everything blurs completely, Quinn thinks that she sees Beth smile. It's like looking into a mirror but not quite. Beth is taller than Quinn was at that age, courtesy of Puck the pianist supposes. The young girl stands straighter, her features quietly defiant and assured of her place in the world. She won't be swayed by the opinions of others. Quinn lets out a small laugh, badass would be the term that Puck and Santana would use. Yet beyond all of that, Beth wears an argyle sweater and holds a music book from an old Broadway classic, Les Miserables.
The pianist breaks into an honest grin, not sure whether or not to ask Rachel about it. It's strange but she's not put off by the eccentric fashion addition, thinking that it appears alarmingly sweet on the young girl. Her hand tightens in Rachel's, and for a second, nothing feels out of place. Quinn thinks that whilst she might not have been at Beth's first day of school or helped teach her how to ride a bike, undoubtedly the beautiful girl has a part of her. Maybe it was just genetics, pale skin and striking cheekbones, but Quinn was able to contribute to something perfect. And now, she's given the chance to know whom she created. Rachel's presence managed tie the fractured part of her life together.
"Is it true that you named me after a … song?"
Beth asks, with a familiar-looking head tilt. Quinn nods slowly, remembering the event, how the boys of New Direction sat on stools and sang a song, knowing that it meant everything.
"Yeah it was Puck's, your father's idea. We thought it would suit."
Despite her appearance and still a child, Beth tries to appear nonchalant and what she believed a mature response would look like. She tries not to show how desperate she is for the information and how much she wanted to get to know Quinn. She had, ever since Rachel first talked about the girl that had her heart.
"Cool."
"Do you like it?"
Quinn asks softly. It's unnerving but she finds herself able to read Beth's stoic mask, it was so much like her own. Convincing the first few times, but vulnerability managed to slip out in between moments of indecision. Quinn maintains their distance, not wanting to make the girl nervous. For the most part though, Beth doesn't seem to notice as she thinks on the question. She had never thought about it, the name had always just been there. Shelby had told her that it was a gift from her biological parents. Beth didn't understand back then, but listening to Quinn now, she thinks that she might. She recognizes that so much thought was placed on that one thing; it had been an attempt of Puck and Quinn's at caring, at a connection.
So, she's thoughtful in her response. It begins objectively but the young girl finds her truths naturally coming out.
"Beth is a shortened from of Elisabeth or Bethany. In Hebrew, did you know that Beth means home? You and Puck, even if you don't want to see me again, I want to thank you. I want you to know that by giving me away, you gave me a home…I do like the name. Thank you. "
Rachel reaches over to rub Beth's shoulders encouragingly. She's so proud of her sister, knowing that the girl was perhaps far more levelheaded than most at her age. Rachel thinks that Quinn will be so happy to know that Beth is already in advanced placement classes. She can't wait for Quinn to see the shelves of academic, gymnastic and band awards in Beth's room. There's so much that Quinn can still have and all Rachel wants to do is help, to be a source of support, loving and lasting. This was the long haul.
Beth watches how Quinn and Rachel interact, a little in awe. She's seen the Disney movies and read the fairytale storybooks, gossiping with her friends about what love would be like. But, in the present, she realizes that it isn't a big production. Instead, it's a quiet emotion that underlies every small action and attempt at closeness. Quinn has Rachel in mind, first and foremost. But sometimes, something unexpected happens and naturally, Rachel slips to second: like now. And unlike in temporary relationships or a passing crush, it's not a problem because Rachel doesn't mind. They'll hold onto the same values and faith in each other.
Beth clears her throat.
"Rachel told me that you were pretty, that you had perfect hazel eyes like me."
Quinn eyes sparkle with mirth as she turns to glance at the singer. Rachel feels the redness settling in her cheeks. Quinn shakes her head kissing Rachel's temple, before returning her attention to Beth.
"She did?"
Beth grins, nodding happily. She tries not to laugh at how Rachel resembles a tomato. She tries not to giggle at Quinn's joking wink. For a moment, they just enjoy banding together. But afterwards, the seriousness returns and they both note the truth in their statements. Beth takes a step forward, closely analyzing Quinn's appearance.
"Yeah, she's right. Yours is greener but we have the same yellowish flecks. It's nice. Your hair's like mine too, though I will never cut it short. It'll be too much like a boy."
Beth has a scrunched nose at the idea. She loved her golden locks and couldn't imagine anything else. Quinn laughs softly. She doesn't know how to tell Beth that she'll never be mistaken for that, already just a little too pretty. In the simplicity of the conversation, they forget that this is their first meeting. It feels like something that they've been doing all along.
Beth feels a rush of comfort. She furrows her brows, wondering about the events that lead to this.
"So you love Rachel huh?"
Quinn inhales sharply, and even Rachel seems to be surprised, directing a stern gaze at the young girl. The pianist watches, amused by Rachel's protective gesture. Quinn releases her breath and finally answers.
"Yeah. What do you think about it?"
Beth shrugs, answering as if it wasn't a big deal.
"I love Rachel too."
There's a silence. Smiling at the response, Quinn and Rachel wait. In seconds, Beth's face scrunches up comically as she's in a hurry correct.
"Probably not in the same way, though."
The young girl takes another moment to reflect before speaking.
"I think that you make Rachel happy. Rachel is my big sister. And you're … Quinn, my biological mom. I think that it is good that you make each other happy."
Rachel lets out a long 'awww' before opening her arms to bring Beth into a tight and suffocating hug. Beth, for her part seems to notice the playful mocking behind the gesture and enthusiastically begins her escape. Rachel ends up chasing the young girl across the roof, letting out squeals and frustrated foot stomps during the almost wins. Throughout the night, their laughter is contagious and Quinn shakes her head at their antics. As a child, she never imagined her future like this. She never imagined Rachel. But, she's learning to.
Quinn will let herself be dragged into the circus as the singer demands help from an athletic person in between exaggerated breathlessness. It's a barely disguised inclusion tactic but as Beth's smile seems to light up, it is appreciated.
Towards the end of the day, Quinn is in the kitchen making hot chocolate when she looks up and becomes captivated. Rachel and Beth are sitting at her piano, playing a string of duets and engaged an affectionate competition of sorts. Beth has an arm across her stomach in a full-bodied laugh as Rachel raises her arms in surrender and starts a tickle war instead. It's a perfect picture of domesticity.
"I think Beth got that from you, you know."
Shelby's speaks from the open doorway. She walks to the stool near the island and gestures in question to the empty seat. Quinn nods in invitation, unsure in the woman's presence. They hadn't spoken since that night in the hospital as they shared a moment of motherhood looking out to Beth through large glass windows. Quinn takes a moment to properly look at the woman. Shelby seemed older, tired from the years. Her sharpness had long since been sanded down as she followed the direction of Quinn's previous gaze. A soft smile descends and she's really not the same person. She's not the vocal coach of Carmel High or the regretful mother desperate to mend what was broken with a lost daughter. Shelby's just happy and for once, Quinn doesn't have to wonder what that feels like. They let themselves get carried away by the two most important people in their lives.
Not quite willing to interrupt Rachel and Beth, Shelby continues to explain.
"I was never any good at the piano. I mean, I knew how to play, but singing was more my passion."
Quinn nods in understanding. She marvels in the determination in Beth's frame when the young girl's fingers flitted across the keys. There were a few mistakes in her technique, but perhaps this was something Quinn could help with. Maybe it was their connection. Quietly, Quinn voice shakes with emotion.
"Thank you."
"For what?"
Shelby asks. Quinn tears her attention away from Beth and Rachel, holding the older woman's gaze. She needs to say this.
"For keeping your promise and being a good mother. For being Beth's mom."
Shelby's eyes soften and for a second Quinn sees where Rachel gets that look from.
"Is it something that you'd consider again?"
Shelby asks and Quinn pauses, caught off guard. She thinks about the future and what she and Rachel still had to face. After having Beth, despite how perfect the young girl had turned out to be, Quinn hadn't let herself think about having any more children. The reminder was too painful. However, they had grown up and gotten past their mistakes. And watching how Rachel interacted so warmly and fluently with Beth, a flawless combination of Quinn's exterior and the singer's vocabulary tendencies, warmth settles in the pianist's chest. A hopeful smile graces her features. And, Quinn thinks that with time and Rachel, she might…
/
The third time is after a Hollywood party, honoring Rachel's 27th birthday. There are record executives, talent agents and so many other celebrities. With the exits blanketed by flashing lights from large cameras the whole world hovers outside of the function hall.
Rachel wears a long strapless silk dress; the lighter tones a contrast on tanned skin. Quinn remembers having the air taken from her lungs. She remembers how Brittany kindly took the flute of champagne from her trembling hands and Santana's insistent shove forward as Rachel slowly descended the spiral staircase. In a room full of important people, Rachel and Quinn's attention stay only with each other. Hazel and warm brown eyes meet. The pianist would tilt her head and smile in a way that tells the singer that she's nothing short of beautiful and that Quinn's so captivated she doesn't quite know how to move yet. The singer would look away with reddening cheeks and bashful reaction. She'll never get used to Quinn's compliments, she never wants to.
Only then, will the image register. Quinn wore a one-shouldered grey-blue dress, accentuating her taller stature and thin waist. Light-makeup brings out the intensity in her eyes and highlights the simplicity of her refined features. Rachel has never really had time to appreciate paintings but she thinks that Quinn is DaVinci's dream and Michelangelo's inspiration: pretty, elegant and unparalleled.
Throughout the evening, Rachel will want to say all these things but she won't get the chance. At every turn, someone asking for her attention, statement or presence will stop her. It seems like an impossible path to Quinn. And, Rachel tries to be polite. She'll try to get through the lines of friends, fans and company bigwigs because despite Santana's consternation, she has never quite developed to ability to ignore people and walk away. She couldn't stand the crestfallen expression and hurt glances. However tonight, it's the first time that she feels as if a gun is being put to her head.
During brief moments of freedom, Rachel might look up and she'll catch Quinn's gaze. They'll smile softly and they'll be across the room from each other. But, in that second? It won't feel like it. If she tries, Rachel thinks that she can feel the pianist's fingers drawing promises on her palms and Quinn thinks that she can feel Rachel's lingering kiss on her cheek. Somehow, it's enough even when it shouldn't be.
By the end, Rachel will be alone. As the guests have left and the caterers begin clearing the floor, Rachel will collapse into a chair at an empty table. She'll be destroyed by the fact that she hadn't talked to Quinn at all that evening. She'll feel remorseful as the pianist seemed to still want to try and make her way to Rachel throughout the crowd and throughout the evening. Hazel eyes would lose a bit of spark every time Quinn failed.
So, Rachel isn't in the mood to care when a shadow stands in front of her. She waves her hand tiredly and dismissively the interruption, content to wallow.
"Look, I'm really not in the mood. I just need some time alone."
"Ok. Are you sure? Probably, a good thing I haven't lit this yet then..."
Frozen, Rachel refuses to look up, so afraid that the pianist's voice would just be a manifestation of her depressed state of mind.
A bewildered Quinn frowns to herself as she looks at the box in her hand: twenty-seven cupcakes in a celebration and a confession. She had been surprised when she had returned to an empty room, still unaccustomed to the hours kept by the busy and the famous. But seeing how Rachel head remained downcast, Quinn can only worry about how long the singer has been alone. Carefully, she places the deserts on the table behind, squatting down in front of the singer. Ever so kindly, she grazes Rachel's cheek with her fingers moving down to tilt the singer's chin up. Distraught brown eyes bore into hers. And, when Rachel finally sees Quinn, she begins to cry.
The pianist's face falls in concern. She uses one hand to settle around her girlfriend's waist and the other to bring Rachel head to her shoulder flush into a close embrace. For a second, it's like the first time in a New York hotel room, during Nationals where everyone else has left and Quinn is the one that's stays: comforting and protective. Now, despite the blonde's confusion, her heart breaks a little when the warm tears hit her skin.
"Hey. Hey. Rachel, don't worry about it. Are you all right?"
"I thought you left…"
The barely there whimper makes it to her ears as Rachel's small frame shakes. There's a pause as everything sinks in. Sadness takes Quinn's expression and she can only shrug softly. She tries to make her voice light and she tries so desperately to be reassuring.
"I did. I thought you'd prefer cupcakes from that place down the street from Allison's more than whatever I could come up with."
There's a playful depreciation in Quinn's tone that breaks through the thoughts clouding the singer's mind. When Rachel looks up, Quinn will smile gently, relieved to see warm brown eyes again. She lets her hand rest on the singer's cheek as her thumb draws small circles. She'll never be empathic like Brittany, but perhaps Quinn has always had a little too much trouble ignoring Rachel because there's moisture in her eyes as well as she chokes out.
"You were always the baker out of the two of us."
Rachel finds herself smiling as she shakes her head exasperatedly at the memories, fun afternoons in the kitchen with chocolate icing and attempts at perfect lettering. But…she sobers up. She realizes that something that used to seem so natural, an irreplaceable personality quirk, like other things had gotten buried in all the bright lights and big city. In the past, it had been worth it and she worked so hard to get here. It was never something in question. So, it'll be quietly shocking as the truth of what she says next frightens her.
"You know none of this means anything you know. I would give it all away tomorrow if it meant choosing you."
Rachel looks around the room hollowly, avoiding Quinn's piercing gaze. She doesn't want the pianist to see her when she's like this: weak and doubtful of the gold star next to her name. And maybe after having to be so confident and capable for the people who adored her, Rachel has finally reached her breaking point.
In the silence, Rachel doesn't want to disappoint and Quinn doesn't know how to tell her that she never could. The pianist speaks tentatively.
"Thank you Rachel… for saying that, but… you're wrong you know."
The blonde tilts her head, waiting for the singer to pay attention. Quinn grins when Rachel does. She can't help it; the singer has always had an effect. She'll start slow. She'll continue until Rachel is convinced and reminded.
"This… It means everything. Everything about what happened tonight is a part of who you are."
The singer opens her mouth to interrupt but she's stopped by the softness of Quinn's lips. The pianist tongue traces the seam of Rachel's, asking for a chance. It's given. The kiss is sweet and slow, they'll need each other too much to break apart completely. So, barely a hairs width apart, Quinn has a strong grip on Rachel's hand as she whispers determinedly.
"Rachel, you're the girl who's holds everyone attention. You're the girl who will stay until even the last fan in line receives a little bit of your time. And you're Rachel Barbra Berry, maybe even Berry-Fabray someday, if I'm lucky..."
It still hurts to smile, but Rachel can't help but be charmed by Quinn's words. She will be comforted by the knowledge that the pain isn't forever. She can't wait for the day when they're both lucky.
Somehow, she manages to say.
"I love you Quinn, so much. Why doesn't any of this bother you?"
There's a moment as Quinn is thoughtful. She'll think of the cleverest, most poetic things to say but the words that escape her lips are anything but.
"Because you're mine."
Quinn doesn't take it back, even when the singer stops breathing for a second. Instead she'll try to explain.
"And when I say that, it's not a possessive term or anything like that. But, you're a part of my worldview, my hopes for a future."
Attentively, Quinn presses her lips to Rachel's when the singer begins to get embarrassed.
"I'm the one you come home to."
She'll let this noses touch in butterfly kisses when Rachel's doubtful.
"I'm the one that will always wait for you."
And she'll keep them breathing the same air until the singer is on the verge of believing: persistent and dedicated to the let-go.
"So Rachel, you can sing to the millions and for the movies, you can pretend to be in love with a few, but I'm not worried and I'm not scared."
Under the force of Quinn's conviction, Rachel finds herself nodding. Her heart races just a little too fast and their anxieties don't feel so overwhelming. They'll share the same thoughts and feelings as the last words fall peacefully into the conversation.
"Out of all the people in the world, I still can't believe that you chose to love me."
That night, home finds them. Keys are hastily turned in locks and the lure of romantic nightlights barely reaches their notice. All they can think about is the next moment, as a hand makes a slow graze to the side and lips burn a trail downwards. Dresses fall to the floor, eagerly removed and easily forgotten. Their path is a mixture of fumbles and frantic movements, but somehow they'll keep each other upright and close. Quinn's aware of the obstacle beside the sofa when Rachel isn't. And, Rachel can twirl to turn them away from the sharpness of the countertop corner. Lights dance in their brown and hazel eyes, tinged with something richer, as pupils dilate and breaths quicken.
It'll be simple. It'll be effortless, as they'll lose themselves in each other.
/
The next morning, Quinn finds herself sitting by the window ledge, contemplating the world. She has a warm mug in her hands and a soft smile. The morning sunlight wakes her mind and convinces her that nothing in life is out of reach. From the corner of her eyes, she's astonishingly content as watches the rise and fall of Rachel's chest under the covers. She thinks that it will be all right if this is her life now. Mornings, afternoons and evening spent loving the singer's small doubts insecurities away is all she wants.
And, as her mind travels over all the trials and tribulations, she thinks that it is almost funny how in the end, they're the ones to find happiness in locked a room together. Past misdemeanors are forgiven and other people aren't even considered. So, for a second and against all her sensibilities, Quinn lets herself consider the notion soul mates and meant-to be.
"You know, you should just take a picture. I'm told that it lasts longer."
Rachel's amused sleep filled voice slips into the quiet. Her face remains half deep into the pillow, sighing, as the stubborn part of her tries to fight the day. In an endearing fashion, she wraps the covers a little tighter in effort to convince herself that the bedside clock is wrong and its not time to face the world. Quinn has long since given up trying not to be charmed by the sight.
"I already did."
The blonde's response is lightly teasing. She's comforted by the fact that Rachel's responses hasn't changed all that much as the brunette springs up to a sitting position on the bed. Her eyes are wide, darting around adorably for a camera as she self-consciously rearranges her haphazard bed-hair. This time, Quinn can say that all of these small quirks make her smile, causing all her worries to be that little bit smaller. And, she decidedly does not want to punch Rachel in the face.
Instead, she'll raise her hands up in laughter and surrender as the singer realizes the joke and dives to tackle. Air is a difficult thing to grasp as Rachel's warm skin makes contact with Quinn's. The singer's weight causes the pianist to twist and turn in an effort to stay balanced. There's a playful and determined glint in Rachel's eyes as she slides her hand sensuously down her girlfriend's sides. For that second Quinn stops struggling. It's an attempt at control, as electricity travels down her spine to become something else completely. Her hazel eyes darken to an unrecognizable shade and all of a sudden the yesterday night doesn't feel over.
Rachel's silver star-necklace swings in between them, hypnotizing back and forth.
They both swallow, hoping to rid the dryness from their mouths. The red stands out in a powerful contrast under pale cheeks as blonde hair is spread out in an untouchable halo. At Rachel's mercy, Quinn appears so focused on the moment and the sensations, taking deep powerful breaths.
Somehow, the singer barely manages to whisper her thoughts as her head leans down. Her lips meet Quinn's in a bruising intensity andshe's the most honest she's ever been as her words linger in the silence.
"So damn beautiful…"
Eventually, afternoon will make itself known in the form of grumbling stomachs and tired limbs. They'll have cereal, fruit and yogurt opposite each other at the kitchen counter because neither girl has the energy to cook. And even if they did, they're not sure that they can command their attention to leave each other alone. Rachel is mischievous as she leans over the bowls of food. She'll smirk at Quinn's distraction and sneak the last of the milk. And by the end, Quinn can't bring herself to be mad as she eats her cornflakes dry, smiling softly.
"After this, Rachel would you like to go out with me today. I want to show you something."
The blonde asks. She'll rarely be nervous but there's something in the occasion, as she waits for an answer.
BRRRR.
The vibrating of a star covered mobile interrupts. Rachel's expression falls as her breathing slows. Her gaze flickers to the screen, seeing Santana's name flash impatiently against a multi-colored background. And for a while, the girls will pause, reluctant to move. They'll understand that on the other end will be a new itinerary, another circus and a whole new list of people to convince.
There's nothing else to say as Quinn quietly extends her hand. With no pressure in her eyes, she's simply giving Rachel another choice, another opportunity. In the silence, Quinn is kind, fully ready to accept that she can't and won't always come first.
And, Rachel thinks to herself about the state of affairs. She thinks about how complicated her life might always be. With the path that she's chosen, she can't have many flights of fancy. She hates the idea of letting anyone down even if it's something as unintentional as being sick on a night on tour.
But Quinn is singular. With the pianist, Rachel doesn't feel guilty when she has other responsibilities. Perhaps that's what makes things different. And, maybe that's why they keep surprising the world when nearly 6 months later; they're not scandalous on magazine covers and still side-by-side at major events.
So, there'll be a minute to deliberate. Rachel will smile as she takes Quinn's outstretched hand. In the end, she doesn't have to, but there are times where she can choose to make Quinn the most important.
/
The fourth time is in public. It's 2013, and the Academy awards ceremony has arrived. Lewis is a gentleman, ever so helpful as he opens doors and clears the path for the women who have become his closest friends. He'll bicker playfully with Santana and engage in a spontaneous dance sequences with Brittany. Rachel will treat him like a confidant and an irreplaceable brother figure as they're asked about their movie reaching the nominations. And, when the others aren't looking Lewis and Quinn will engage in great literary debates about the classics. They'll argue over Tolstoy to Roald Dahl, looking for moments of reprieve under that flashing attention.
The category is Best Actress in a Leading Role. There's stiff competition as the camera pans to each table, zooming in on the hope and the curiosity of the entrants. It seems like slow torture, as the hosts makes sweeping compliments and delay the opening of the cardstock white envelope.
Reassuringly, Quinn reaches down to squeeze the singer's hand in luck and encouragement. She quirks her lips and tilts her head warmly, taking the stress away from the moment. It works, as the frenzied quality lessens in brown eyes and Rachel leans their heads together.The award will mean a lot to Rachel, recognition and a permanent mark in history; more than her productions on tour but always less than that National's victory in glee…
The singer wins.
The name Rachel Berry is enthusiastically spoken into the microphones as clapping and congratulations, erupt. Quinn barely has the chance to say anything, as the singer is swept away by directors, producers and fellow cast members to the stage. Quinn stands clapping, as the brunette gets further away. The last thing that makes it through the loudness is Rachel's loving gaze as she turns her head to grin brilliantly at Quinn. They mouth three words across the distance and none of the rest matters.
Rachel glows on stage, barely moving her hands because the trophy is heavier than it appears to be. She's authentic in her surprise as she stutters through the beginning of her thanks to the producers, crew and fans. It'll follow convention, until the end, where dues are given to that significant person that mattered most, that kept Rachel strong. And, for a moment, with the attention of thousands, Rachel doesn't know if she should say; if she's allowed to say. After all, the girls were told not to make a huge splash. They were told not to provoke the public.
However, when Rachel gazes to their table and Quinn is supportive, happy to shoulder the consequences of any path that the singer chooses, Rachel gives in… She will roll her eyes, muttering a joking 'screw it' into the microphone as she hurriedly descends the steps.
Ignoring the audience's bated breath, she runs to Quinn, throwing herself into awaiting arms and lips.
/
There's a segment or snippet that never appears on the live television broadcast, but... the whole academy reacts to the two girls.
Every actor, actress and presenter stands with kind smiles and encouraging gazes as they watch Quinn and Rachel embrace in the center of the isle. A slow clap builds momentum, showering them with an almost thunderous approval and an odd soundtrack. And shockingly, no other production of the year seems quite as movie-like as this moment, an honest happy ending.
And as the crowd continues their applause, an old interview may play in the background of their minds. It didn't seem like much at the time, but it resonates now…
One of Rachel and Quinn's earliest interviews together, the girls seemed almost nervous with their fidgeting hands that only seemed to calm in the presence of each other. After a seemingly pointed and invasive question, Quinn looks away for a moment. The camera follows and enlarges her frowning expression and viewers would undoubtedly miss Rachel's concerned gaze and comforting gestures lying just beyond the frame. All they'd see would be a brief look of conflict before the pianist's eyes soften as she regains a calm sense of purpose.
Her voice is quiet but never desperate as she meets the public halfway.
"Don't get me wrong. I know how unexpected this is and I understand that people feel like that they have some stake in this. Because let's face it, they do. They love Rachel."
There's a pause as the statement sinks in. Rachel looks down, blushing. She'll never quite understand why but compliments and truths seemed to matter more when they slipped from the blonde's lips. Maybe it was because they had always been so few and hidden during their earlier high school years. Or maybe, it was because Quinn was always so certain in that frightening passion. But it was those times, when Rachel really believes that she 'mattered' in a way that her talent or fame couldn't measure.
The interviewer appears surprised by the response, expecting something loud, different and a lot more broken. Still Quinn continues, with a quiet determination in her eyes.
"The only difference now is that Rachel's fans know that there is one more person that does. Is it so terrible that that person is a girl? A mother? Me?"
The last question is sad and almost resigned. Rachel feels a stab in the chest as she ignores everything and guides Quinn's attention to her. The haunting clarity in those hazel eyes takes her breath away. And in the end, all she can do is smile sweetly, bringing their interlaced hands to her lips. I love you.
Quinn's eyes flutter closed, trying to mask her reactions to the contact. A rush of affection floods her body and she shakes her head, willing herself under control. She finds that she wants to protect this moment, because forget the cameras; this touch and these feelings were theirs.
Her voice is raspy and thick with emotion.
"I could sit here and be on every television channel to try and convince you that this is real; that we're more than out dredged up pasts make of us…"
Her eyes open and she swallows, gazing at the singer beside her.
"Because, I believe it. I. Love. Her."
Rachel smiles at the confession. She thinks that she can hear it a thousand times and yet, each one would still sound slightly different. There would be more feeling and less pain, as their history and the burdens of being convincing slips away.
So when Quinn's attention returns to the camera, she's confident and warm in a way that doesn't sound threatening. Those working on the set pause and look their way.
"…So, it's ok if you don't see it yet. And, we're all the more thankful if you do. Nothing worth fighting for happens overnight, so we'll fight for your support."
Quinn and Rachel look to each other. Their heads are slightly tilted and loving smiles grace their faces. Those in the room wonder about the wordless conversation occurring before their eyes.
"Give us time. And we'll do our best to give you something to believe in…"
/
So now, in the large auditorium, on a night of fame, accomplishments and trophies, the on looking audience thinks that the girls have achieved their goal. As the depth of their emotions move tables of their peers and enamored strangers to their feet, Rachel and Quinn manage to give the world something to believe in…