It's nearly midnight when I'm startled from my needlepoint by a loud din echoing through the forest. I jolt upright in my chair and look around wildly, thinking for a second the raucous was right next to me. I place the needlepoint down on the table and pad over to the window. I stick my head out and turn it ever which way to see where the shouting is coming from. It's unsurprising that it's coming from the camp. The Lost Boys are always shouting and taunting each other, they love violent games and to jeer each other on. Playing doctor to them get tedious with all their minor bumps and bruises, which wouldn't be as big an issue if they just washed themselves to ward off infection. They seem to think, however, that I can fight off whatever medical ailment they have. I tried to convince Pan years ago that I have minimal medical training, just that that my mother, a nurse, passed on to me. Pan wouldn't hear any of it, and here I am now, in the middle of the night, grabbing my medicine bag and venturing off into the woods to go fix whatever nasty scrapes those grimy boys have gotten into.
As I trek further and further into the woods, I begin to realize that these shouts are far from the normal ones. They're filled with terror and anger and they shoot daggers into my heart. I pick up the pace and urge myself faster towards the camp. I run as fast as I can, almost flying over rocks and around bends but my feet get caught in all the vines and roots on the forest floor with the minimal light. The moon's always full, but the heavy tree canopy blocks out a lot of the light. Soon enough though, I burst out into the camp to find the whole of the Lost Boy clan in a complete state of disaster. Swords clang and clash violently and arrows fly haphazardly through the air. I was right. This is not a normal violent game, these boys are out for blood.
I drop my bag and begin to move around the circle trying to decipher what exactly the problem is and also, where Pan is. He doesn't usually let the boys fight for real. The boys fighting makes them divided, and a divided kingdom is not what Pan wants. It makes his rule unsteady and it makes him nervous. If anyone ever poses a problem, he usually just kills them off to appease the Lost Boys. However, this time, he is nowhere in sight. I search frantically for his second-in-command, Felix.
Felix and I dislike each other even more than Pan and I. I think he sees me as a threat to his and Pan's relationship, but I don't see why. I've been here twenty years and Pan is still just as fond of Felix as ever, and as nasty to me. Finally I locate the slim, blonde boy at the edge of the crowd, not contributing to the violence, but cheering it on. I grab hold of his arm and shake him.
"What the hell is going on?" I yell over the racket.
Felix just looks down at me and grins. "The boys are teaching one of the newbies a lesson," he explains. He folds his arms and looks out on the melee with satisfaction. Felix, like Pan, thrives on chaos.
"They need to stop fighting, someone's going to get hurt!"
Felix looks at me as if I'm a dolt. "That's the point, Wendy. That's the lesson," he grinds out. I've spent two decades here and I'm still surprised at these boys' hunger for violence.
"Pan won't like this," I warn him. Felix shrugs off my warning. He's been here much longer than I have and seems to think that whatever he does Pan will approve of, but he often forgets that Pan's reign is not as secure as he'd like it to be. He seems to forget about when I first arrived on the island and Neal had almost lead a revolution against him. It was squashed and most of the boys who sided with Neal were killed. Pan never told me what became of my brother, and I like to hope that he made it out, but the more time that passes, the more my hope for his life falters. "Where is Pan, anyway? I demand of Felix.
He rolls his eyes at me. "Recruiting. Where do you think?" Of course, the more boys, the strong his army. I shake off the though of Pan before trying to assess the situation. The boys seem to be focused on the centre of the fuss. They all scream and curse and knock each other's teeth out. It's been long enough that I don't cringe at all the blood and bruises anymore. What sickens me is the pleasure they take it in, how I can see the happiness they feel when they sink their knives through each other. It's like that don't realize that these boys are people too. It used to scare me, but now it just makes me angry. Angry enough to try and burst into the crowd to stop them.
The first time, I don't even realize I'm doing it. I just feel myself getting knocked back and having the wind forced out of my lungs. I skid across the forest floor and wait for my world to stop spinning. I slowly sit up and tell myself that perhaps that was not the best tactic. This time when I force my way into the crowd I don't run in, I slip between the colliding bodies. They don't seem to even see that I'm there which explains why I end up getting elbowed in the face. I don't even realize that my nose is bleeding until I taste it on my lips.
I drop to the ground and begin to crawl on my hands and knees towards the centre of the fight. I don't even know why I'm doing it. For all I know, one of their violent games has just gotten out of hand. But it may also be that someone innocent is in danger. There's so little innocence on this island that I've got to protect it. It's all I can do.
I make my way slowly, painfully. I don't get elbowed in the face, but my hands get trampled over and I'm fairly certain that at least three boys have tripped over me. No one seems to notice my white nightgown slipping through the crowd. Soon I arrive at the centre of it and I let out an audibly gasp that's lost in the shouting. In the centre is one of the small, younger boys who I've actually come to like. Gavin. He's one of the youngest boys here, only five. He's small and quiet and kind. He's a favourite of mine and dote on him all the time, he sometimes even comes to my treehouse for bedtime stories and cookies. Oddly enough, Pan's quite fond of him, too. I know he's taken him to teach him how to swim at least three times. He's unlike any of the other boys. He didn't even come to Neverland of his own volition, he followed his older war-like brother, Christopher. What a terrible thing for their parents, to lose both boys. Gavin's in the centre of the mess covered in his own blood. I can see that some of his teeth have been knocked out, and he's definitely got a dislocated shoulder. My heart aches for the tiny boy. I crawl forward and when he sees me, he begins to cry. He weeps and thrashes around and reaches out for me, as I reach out for him, but before I can grab his hand, he's being pulled back by the collar. I fall forward as I jump out to grab him by the feet. I get up immediately and reach out for Gavin again. I register that he's being held by one of the older boys, Gregory. He's all angles and points and dark hair and eyes. He's one of the most violent boys I've ever come across.
I rush towards Gavin and grasp his small body. His tiny hands tangle in my hair. He cries out my name. "Give him to me, Gregory!" I shout. "He's too young to be involved!" Gregory jump laughs and lets go of Gavin's collar only to grab him by the neck. He shakes him once and Gavin's eyes bulge out. He's neck is so small and Gregory's hands are so large.
"Don't you dare hurt him, Gregory. You'll have Pan to answer to, but most importantly, you'll have me!" I warn. I realize that the din of the battle has quieted down and that all the Lost Boys are now standing silently watching Gregory's and my stand-off.
Gregory narrows his eyes at me. "Oh, the fearsome Wendy! So terrifying!" he grinds out.
"Let him go, Gregory. He's done nothing wrong," I plead.
Gregory throws his head back and laughs. "No, he's what caused all of this," he says vehemently. He shakes Gavin. "Because of him Christopher's dead." My stomach drops. He must be lying.
"Gavin is five. It's not possible," I tell him.
"Gavin went after Christopher, tried to told him back while he was sparring with some other boys. He though Chris was in danger. He ended up distracting him and Chris got a sword through the chest," Gregory explains. He turns towards Gavin and I can see his fingers clench tighter around Gavin's small neck. He shakes him and Gavin begins to cry again. "Do you hear that!" he shouts. "You're brother's dead because of you! You're a murderer and you have to pay!" I jump forward and grab Gregory by the wrists. He shakes me off and I stagger backwards.
"He didn't hurt anyone! He was trying to help! He is in no way a murderer! Now you let him down right now or else you'll be the murderer," I yell. Gavin just cries even louder. His crying is a comfort however. It means he's getting enough air to breath and cry. It's a good sign, I tell myself.
"Oh yeah? Says who?" Gregory sneers.
Before I can form an answer, a voice comes from behind me and I almost jump out of my skin. "Says me, Gregory," Pan says, stepping around me. "Put him down." Gregory's eyes bulge and he immediately drops Gavin, who runs as fast as he can to me. I scoop him up and hold him tightly, reassuring him and comforting him.
"It'll be alright," I whisper again and again. Gavin's tiny hands curl into my hair and his tears soak the shoulder of my dress. I pat his back and try to calm his tears.
"No one gets to decide who lives or die here except for me, Gregory," Pan says stalking towards Gregory. He looms over Gregory and Gregory begins to shake. "You should be killed for that."
Gregory gulps. "If I die for that, so should the kid. He killed his brother," he says, pointing frantically at Gavin. "If not for him, Christopher would still be alive."
"You stop telling lies, Gregory," I shout. "Whoever shoved a knife through Christopher is responsible. Gavin didn't understand and it was not his fault." I look at Peter. I know he kills just for fun and Gavin would be easy. I clutch him closer to me. "Don't kill him, Pan. He did nothing wrong."
Suddenly, Felix materializes beside me, shaking his head. "He was the instigator, Peter. He needs to pay for what he's done. Maybe the boys were wrong to try and punish him, but he deserves it," Felix urges. I feel like hitting him. How can they not see that this was just an accident?
"No, he does not, Felix!" I yell. I turn to Pan. "He's done nothing wrong, and you know it. You can't kill him, he's just an innocent."
"The rules state that anyone who causes a death must pay," Felix implores. He shoots me a half grin. He knows he's won, but I can't give up on Gavin.
"He didn't know any better. He thought his brother was in trouble," I urge Peter. "Have some mercy." Pan narrows his eyes at me and I almost believe for a moment that he'll kill Gavin, who I know is a favourite of his.
"Pan, it's clear-"
"Shut up, both of you!" Pan bursts. "And let me think!" He turns around and takes a few paces away from the crowd. He runs his hands through his hair and snarls a few words to himself. I've never seen him so torn. He spends a few more moments arguing with himself before he comes back to us. "He lives," he grinds out. I almost laugh when I hear the news. Gregory and the other boys roar in disapproval and Felix looks as if he's been knocked over by a boulder. The crowd erupts into an uproar and I just cling tighter to Gavin. Pan grabs me by the arm. "Take him back to your place. Fix him up." I nod and start of running with Gavin in my arms. I pick up my bag of supplies and run faster than I ever have back to my treehouse.
I begin work on Gavin quickly, who's calmed down sufficiently by now. He doesn't cry anymore and is a brave little boy when I begin to stitch him up. He hardly even squirms when I pop his shoulder back into place. There's not much I can do about his teeth, but he's so young that these aren't his adult ones. I tell him that new ones, better ones will come in soon.
I run him a warm bath and soak him in it, scrubbing out the dirt and grime. I scrub at his hair and make sure he's cleaner than he was before. I get him out and dry him off, and then I get him into a new set of clothes. I scoop him up and wraps his tiny arms around my neck. It's this gesture that makes my heart ache. If I were back home, I'd have had children his age and older by now. I would know exactly what it feels like to do this for my own child. I squeeze him tight and whisper comfort to him. I lay him down in my bed and tuck him underneath the covers. He stares up at me with big blue eyes and he looks so much like Michael when he was younger that my heart almost breaks.
"Thank you for saving me, Wendy," he says quietly. I smile and kiss him on the forehead.
"You're welcome, Gavin. You didm't do anything wrong," I tell him softly. "You'll be okay." At this, Gavin begins to cry, I think less about his injuries and much more about his brother. I'm not sure what will happen to the body or the person who actually killed Christopher. I gather Gavin into my arms and rock him, telling him that he did nothing wrong, that Christopher is in a better place, that he's safe now. I rock him and kiss his head until his crying stops, and even after that when I begin telling him bedtime stories to soothe him. Eventually, he falls asleep in my arms and I tuck him back under the covers and let him rest. I curtain off the area around my bed and begin to pick up all the bloodstained clothing before I noticed that Pan's sitting at the kitchen table, examining my needlepoint. If he notices the fright I have seeing him, he doesn't let on.
"It was stupid what you did, bird. Stupid and reckless," he grinds out without looking up.
"Gavin needed to be saved," I tell him, crossly. "There's no two ways about it."
"Doesn't matter. What you did was stupid, and it was even stupider trying to convince the Lost Boys otherwise," Pan explains. "You didn't see, but all of them had their weapons trained on you. You could have died."
I sit down at the table across from him. "Not much I have to live for here. If I died saving Gavin, I'd been fine with it." Pan finally looks up and glares at me.
"I wouldn't be. I need you for the Lost Boys," he grinds out.
"So that would be worth innocent blood being shed?" I shoot back.
"You don't realize your importance," Peter says, bringing his fist down on the table.
"If it's important to you, it's unimportant to me," I say, unfazed.
"You can't just go around challenging everyone," he continues on, ignoring me.
"I was doing what was right, Peter. Something you actually did for once," I tell him.
"It was against the rules," he says. He barely even looks at me, as if he's ashamed. His jaw is set and his mouth is a thin line. "If one of them breaks the rules and gets away with it, then all of them can."
I narrow my eyes at him. "If I hadn't been there, you would have sacrificed Gavin for stability?"
"I think you forget that I don't care about morals, bird," Pan grinds out. "I don't care about Gavin, or anyone for that matter. Gregory was wrong and I couldn't let what he was trying to do come to fruition. They can't make decisions without me." I shake my head and push back my chair. I begin to pace the room. I've known Pan for twenty years and I'm still amazed at how little he cares for anything. I can't believe he fooled me into it once.
"You showed mercy today," I tell him. I turn and face him. "Whatever you call it, or justify it with, you showed mercy which is morally correct." Pan rolls his eyes.
"I don't care what you say. My decisions are driven by my needs, not by morals. It's been two decades, when are you going to get it through that thick skull of yours?" he growls out.
I shake my head. "Why are you even here anyway?" I ask. "I know spending time with me isn't exactly your favourite late night activity." Pan slides his eyes and glares at me.
"Came to see Gavin." He stands up abruptly and makes his way over to the curtain. He tosses it back and I follow him. "I'm going to punish Gregory accordingly." When he looks down at Gavin's tiny figure though, I can see all thoughts of punishment flying out of his mind. I know he cares for Gavin, even if it is hardly anything. He bends down and tenderly brushes back his tangled blond halo. He looks so peaceful. "He looks better. You did a good job."
I murmur out a thank you and then we both let the silence hang in the air as we watch over Gavin sleeping. We don't say anything and it's the longest silence I've ever experienced with Peter. He just brushes back Gavin's hair and I know that no matter what he says, he cares for Gavin and saved him because it was the right thing to do. Pan's a monsters, but monster's can still care for others. Right?
Soon, Peter leaves with orders to keep Gavin with me for the week, which I'm delighted to do. I finish cleaning up and collapse into the cot that I keep for Peter. I feel as if I've only closed my eyes for a second before I'm being shaken awake. I flail around before I come face to face with Felix. He grabs me by the hair and covers my mouth with his hand.
"You bitch," he sneers. "You made me look stupid in front of everyone today. You've ruined everything." I bit down on his hand but he continues to talk. "I've never seen Pan act this way, and I know it's because of you. You're changing him, weakening him. It's taken a while, but I knew you would fuck him up." He tugs at my hair and my scalp burns painfully. "I've hated you from the moment you came here, and if I had any say in the matter, you'd have been six feet under as soon as I could get my hands on you." His hand moves from my hair to my neck. "You haven't gotten away with it this time. Someone's got to pay." He then throws me back onto the bed and stalks off into the night before telling me, "You've ruined him, you bitch." And with that he disappears into the night.
After that, there are no more unexpected visitors. Gavin and I spend the week together, playing and laughing and healing. Pan comes in twice to give us food and to give Gavin some toys. He spends half an hour each time playing with Gavin. It's the first time I've ever seen him really interact with Gavin and he's wonderful. He's more than decent. he's kind and caring. He's human. I watch quietly, not wanting to break the spell.
Soon however, it breaks and Pan rushes out, almost angry both times. And soon, the spell that Gavin and I had while we spent the week together breaks, and it's time for him to join the other Lost Boys. He cries on the short walk to the camp and I only get him to calm down when I promise to come back that night and put him to bed in his tiny room. I agree and assure him that it won't be long until I see him again. In fact, it will only be an hour or two before his bedtime. I'm simply going to go replenish my herb kit and come back. He consents and I kiss his forehead and wave goodbye.
Two hours pass quickly, and I'm surprised to find myself trekking back to the camp to say goodnight to Gavin. The herb picking went well and I'm excited to show them to him. I slip through camp and take the twisting staircase down the roots of the trees to the underground network of the Lost Boy's rooms. I stop and Gavin's door and knock. When he doesn't answer, I figure he must have already fallen asleep and I open it just a crack, but when I peek inside, I don't see him in bed. I swing the door open, and look frantically around until my heart practically stops at the sight.
I scream as loud as I ever have before when I see Gavin dead on the floor, a knife in his chest. I rush to him, screaming and crying, trying desperately to find a pulse. I don't find one. Oh, God, he's so small and so broken. I gather him up in my arms as I did the first night with him and rock him, crying and screaming. I bury my face in his neck and weep, my heart shattering.
Soon, strong hands pull me back from Gavin and I realize it's Pan. I turn on him and begin to pound on his chest. "You bastard!" I cry. "You killed him to keep the balance! You murderer! He was just an innocent!" I beat against his chest, but Peter just looks on, confused. He grabs my wrists in one hand and grabs my chin in the other.
"Calm down!" he shouts. "I didn't kill him, bird."
"Then who did?" I shriek, and suddenly, I've answered my own question. Felix. Felix said someone had to pay. Oh, God, Gregory and the others must have gotten to him. "It was Felix! He threatened me and he threatened Gavin! The others must have gotten him!" Pan's eyes widen. He drops my wrists and is out the door before I can say another word.
Pan ends up publicly killing Gregory and some of his accomplices. I hear from the other boys that it's bloody, but don't attend. He doesn't kill Felix. He likes him too much. But the next time I see Felix, he has a long scar running down his face and looks as if he's been beaten to a pulp. He's too proud to ask for help and I'm too angry to give it.
I bury Gavin on a cliff overlooking the sea. I put a small white cross as a grave marker. I spend the first two weeks after Gavin's death there. I hardly eat or sleep. Peter visits too. His eyes and voice are hard, but when he looks at the grave, it's like he sees Gavin's small broken body again, and I know he misses him and it breaks his heart. We don't talk for hours, just mourn silently.
I think he feels bad about having to have killed the other boys. He didn't need or want to. And for the first time, I realize that Pan does not have complete control over everything and that maybe he doesn't enjoy killing nearly as much as he says. I almost want to say sorry, that his hand was forced, that it wasn't his fault. But I can't bring myself to comfort a monster. Instead I give him a pat on the back. He doesn't look up but places his hand on my knee, for just a second. I glance over at Peter and I almost think that I see a single tear slip down his face. I know that's the closest thing we've ever had to being good to each other, to being kind, to showing humanity and compassion. Too bad what brought us together is dead. I suppose pain is what brings us together, I think to myself.
After three weeks of mourning, Peter gets up and walks off. He never mentions Gavin again and I don't see him come to the grave ever again. He never shows any of the other Lost Boy's ever the compassion and kindness he did Gavin. I suppose his humanity is buried with Gavin.