Chapter 26: Family Goth
(A/N: Sorry if this chapter seems pretty long, but I wanted to put a subplot in it. Anyway, enjoy)
It was Saturday night at the Griffin place. Stewie, Maddie, Tilly, CJ, and Cody were at home being babysat by Liddane playing board games.
"This sucks," said Maddie annoyed, "We're stuck here playing bored games while our parents are having the time of their lives in the town."
Meanwhile at a karaoke bar, Lois is singing the theme to 'The Bodyguard... while drunk... and off key.
"AND IIIIIIIIIIII WILL ALWAAAAAYS LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!" she sang loudly and shrilly causing all the other customers to scream in agony. A gunshot sound could be heard from the distance and one of the screams stopped.
Back to the house...
"Yup, the time of their lives," sighed Maddie.
"Okay, it's your turn, Tilly," said Liddane.
Tilly rolls a 4 and moves her game piece to the community chest. She then picks up her card.
"The dollar has dropped in value, dropping the economy by 13 percent and you must foreclose all of your property and file for bankruptcy!?" asked Tilly in surprise, "Cripes, I hate this new modern economy edition!"
"I'm sorry, but this was the only board game your grandfather had," said Liddane, "Well this and Operation: Jenna Jameson edition."
She pointed to a board of the female pornstar where the lights where on the breasts instead of the nose. At that moment, the parents come home from their night out.
"WILL ALWAYS LOOOOVE YOUUUUUU!!" sang Lois loudly as she collapsed and began to vomit.
"Finally!" said Stewie in relief, "I was getting SICK of getting fined for hiring illegals."
"Thanks for babysitting the kids while were away, Liddane," said Zack as he paid the babysitter.
"It's no problem," said Liddane, "If there's anything else I could do for you..."
"Hey listen," said Meg, "I was thinking that maybe we could hang out at the mall tomorrow."
"Uh, yeah, I'm kinda busy tomorrow," lied Liddane.
"We can hang out the next day!" said Meg, "Or whenever YOU wanna hang out!"
"Meg you should stop," said Liddane, "You're beginning to sound desperate."
"No I'm not!" said Meg in desperation, "PLEASE hang with me! I'll give you money!"
"I'll just go now," said Liddane uncomfortable as she was about to leave. Meg then clamps onto her leg.
"Please don't go! I NEED PRETTY FRIENDS!" she begged before she let go.
"How pathetic," said Stewie, "That cow is almost as pathetic as Hamburglar when he went to prison."
Cutaway
Hamburglar is sharing a prison cell with another prisoner.
"What are you in for?" asked Hamburglar.
"My girlfriend cheated on me with my best friends so I cut both their heads off," said the prisoner, "What about you?"
"...I stole a cheeseburger from Ronald," said Hamburglar.
End Cutaway
The next morning, Lois is trying to make breakfast in the kitchen with a killer hangover.
"Dammit woman, where are my Apple Jacks?" asked Stewie in annoyance, "I can't begin my endeavor of world conquest without having a part of a complete breakfast filled with vitamins such as A, B,and C!"
"Please don't make loud noises. Mommy has a headache," groaned Lois, "Why does my breath smell like a combination of beer, cheap wine, and a very bad rendition of 'I Will Always Love You'?"
"She ran away from me like everyone else," said Meg sadly, "Am I really that lame that I drive away everybody from being my friend?"
"Is the sky blue?" asked Stewie, "Does a bear sh(bleep)t in the woods? Is the Pope Catholic? Do birds fly? Do you spell KKK with a K? Is FOX raunchy and have a habit cancelling shows without a proper conclusion in the first season? You know, Meg, I could kill you right now and you wouldn't even know it because your that stupid. AHHH!!" Stewie shouts as Cody pushes his high chair over.
"Cody!!" said Lois in discouragement.
"What? It's called parenting. You should try it once in a while," said Cody as he shrugged.
"You call THAT parenting?" asked Maddie.
"Didn't say it was GOOD parenting," said Cody.
"Meg, you shouldn't try to make yourself sound desperate," said Lois.
"But I AM!" said Meg, "I'm in my junior year and I'm still treated like a nobody!"
"That's not true," said Peter, "...Zack loves you... And so does Maddie... No you're right. Wow, you suck, Meg."
"Peter!" said Lois angrily, "Meg, I'm sure someone out there will want to be your friend."
"Yeah, all you've gotta do is keep looking," said Zack, "Just try to be yourself and you'll get somebody."
"AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!" laughed Peter, "Oh be yourself! That's rich!"
"Shut up," said Zack, "It's how she got me."
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Oh you suck, too- OW!" shouted Peter in pain as Zack punched him in the chin.
Later during lunch at the James Woods High cafeteria, Meg spots Connie and the cheerleading squad sitting at a table. There was one extra seat.
"Is it alright if I sit here?" asked Meg.
"Sure," said Connie.
As soon as Meg takes her seat, the cheerleaders all get up, walk away and sit at a different table.
"Be yourself, indeed," muttered Meg.
"Hey, is this seat taken?" asked an unfamiliar girl.
Meg turned around to see a teenage girl dressed in gothic clothing that consisted of a black shirt with fishnet sleeves underneath, a black skirt with a studded belt wrapped around it, black and red striped stockings, and black gothic boots that made her seems a little taller than she really was. She had on black lipstick, purple eye shadow, and a black bob haircut with even bangs. She had a bit of a big nose like Lois, Meg, and Diane Simmons.
"Yeah, but I'm sitting here," said Meg sadly.
"Cool, then" she said as she sat next to Meg.
"Wait, you're sitting next to me?" asked Meg.
"Why not?" she asked, "You seem like an okay person. By the way, name's Raven."
"I'm Meg," said Meg as she smiled at Raven.
"I like your hat," said Raven, "It looks cool."
"You really think so?" asked Meg in excitement.
"It matches your shirt," said Raven, "And those glasses really bring out your eyes."
"Wow, this is so exciting!" said Meg with joy, "We've been talking for 30 seconds and you haven't left, run away, shot yourself, or insulted me!"
"Really?" asked Raven, "You mean you don't have any friends?"
"Well I do, but like me, they're losers" said Meg.
"C'mon, they can't be that bad," said Raven reassuringly.
"Owowowow! My brashesh are shtuck in your armpit!" complained the red haired one.
"Ouch! Stop pulling!" complained the black one, "I knew this dare was a bad idea!"
"I'll get the janitor! AH!!" screamed the brunette one as she slipped on some food and fell.
"Forget what I said about them," said Raven quickly as she turned away.
Meanwhile at the Preschool center, show and tell was about to begin in the classroom.
"Alright, class, does anyone have something they'd like to show us for show and tell?" asked Mrs. Lockheart.
"OOH!! OOH!! MRS. LOCKHEART!!" called Maddie.
"Anyone BESIDES Maddie?" asked Mrs. Lockheart, "Anyone? Anybody at all?... Please?"
"What's wrong?" asked Maddie, "Don't you like my show and tell projects?"
"Maddie, I like you as a student and a person," said Mrs. Lockheart, "But your projects tend to be a little... sucky."
"C'mon, it can't be as crappy as Tilly's," said Maddie.
"I'm going to just pretend I didn't hear that," said Tilly as her hair was dyed rainbow colored.
"Anyway, what I have is a Chinese fingertrap," said Maddie, "It was given to me by my grandma."
"Would you care to show us how it works?" asked Mrs. Lockheart.
"It works like this," she said as she stuck one finger in one hole and put the other hole onto Stewie's finger.
"Huh? What the devil is this?" asked Stewie, "How dare you ensnare me!"
"And we are now stuck," said Maddie.
"Impressive," said Mrs. Lockheart.
"Yes, it's right up there with the second of Jesus," said Stewie dryly, "NOW GET US OUT OF THIS INFERNAL CONTRAPTION!!"
"Okay, just let me... um... a little twist..ummm..." panicked Maddie as she was trying to get them free.
"Well? Hurry it up, woman!" shouted Stewie.
"I can't! I think we're stuck!" said Maddie.
"Let me see," said Mrs. Lockheart, "Wow, you both really are stuck. Let me go see if I can find somebody."
As soon as Mrs. Lockheart leaves the classroom, Eliza walks up to Maddie.
"Awww, is the li'l baby stuck?" asked Eliza mockingly, "Wha's tha matta? Can't hit me cause you're not left anded? I'll bet you wanna hit me right-"
Maddie then silences her by swinging Stewie like a club, sending Eliza flying across the room.
"Here, let me get you guys out," said Cody, "The trick is move your fingers closer together, like so."
And with that, the two were free.
"Finally! Freedom!" said Stewie with joy.
"That was close," said Maddie, "Could you imagine if we had to spend the rest of our lives together like that?"
Cody then grins as his mind begins to get an idea.
"Hey, were your fingers touching each other when I did that?" asked Cody.
"Why yes they were," said Stewie.
"Oh, that's not good," said Cody in concern.
"What do you mean?" asked Maddie.
"Well according to Chinese customs, that means you guys got.. engaged," said Cody.
Everyone in the classroom gasped except for Tilly.
"Engaged. Right. And I have rainbow colored hair," said Tilly sarcastically before realizing something, "...Dammit."
"Isn't there some way out of this?" asked Maddie.
"Yes, some sort of loophole or something?" asked Stewie.
"Well, there is one..." said Cody.
"Anything!" said Stewie.
"Both fiances must inhale their respective father-in-laws underwear for 3 straight minutes," said Cody.
Later at the house.
"You may now kiss the bride," said Cody as he performed a wedding in front of Stewie and Maddie's stuffed animals.
"I can't believe I'm married to my uncle," said Maddie disdainfully.
"I can't believe I'm married my niece," said Stewie disdainfully.
"Damn! And I almost had them sniffing underwear, too," said Cody disdainfully.
Later that night at the dinner table...
"So Meg, how was your day?" asked Lois.
"The most incredible thing happened to me!" said Meg, "I-"
"Boring!" said Peter, "Hey Chris, how was your day."
"Well, I'm glad you asked," said Chris, "See, me and my friends-"
"Boringer!" said Zack, "No one wants to hear that."
"But you didn't even let me finish," said Chris.
"I don't have to," said Zack, "Every time you open your mouth, something stupid comes out."
"Now that's not true!" protested Chris as he spat out a blue and white striped monkey with a baseball cap and a shirt that reads, I'm not with Stupid... I AM Stupid!
"...I think it's better if I don't ask," said Zack.
"I think so, too," said Chris.
"At school today, a girl actually talked to me!" said Meg.
Everyone in the room then gasped.
"Did she know you were a girl?" asked Peter.
"Yes, and before you ask, she's straight," said Meg, "She actually likes me!"
"That's wonderfully, sweetie," said Lois.
"Yeah, I really hope you two become best friends," said Zack, "Unlike Solid Snake and Sam Fisher."
Cutaway
Snake and Sam are both captured in the enemy prison.
"Hide in the cardboard box, you said," mocked Sam, "We'll both fit, you said. Next time, let's NOT hide in a box in a tight corridor where an enemy soldier can trip over. That was REAL stealthy."
"Oh look who's talking Mr. I-Wear-Goggles-In-The-Dark-With-Three-Green-Lights," mocked Snake.
"Again with the goggles!" said Sam, "It's so the player can see me. What about you. You carry freaking cigarettes around. Oh, nobody will definitely find you with the smell of smokes around."
"You know, I'll bet the Tetris blocks and the Column jewels don't bicker as much as we do," said Snake.
"Don't bet on it," said Sam pointing to an L block smashing 3 columns of jewels.
End Cutaway
"Tomorrow, I want to invite her over to meet everyone," said Meg.
"Are you sure you want to do that?" asked Brian.
"Yeah, I mean this family isn't exactly Leave it To Beaver Material, you know," said Zack.
"Hey, we're not that bad!" protested Peter.
"Peter, remember when we invited Angela over for dinner in hopes of a promotion?" asked Zack.
Flashback
One night, Angela was being greeted by Lois and Zack.
"Thank you again for inviting over for dinner," said Angela.
"It's our pleasure, actually," said Zack.
"Why don't we introduce you to the rest of the family," said Lois, "KIDS! WE HAVE A GUEST!"
AHHHHHH!! EVIL MONKEY!!" screamed Chris as he ran around the house like a maniac.
"HAHAHAHA!! VICTORY SHALL BE MINE!!" shouted Stewie as he fired his gun everywhere.
"Hey, Angela," said Peter drunk... and naked, "I'm ready for my... promotion... thingy."
"Mr. Griffin! You're naked!" said Angela in shock and disgust.
"Nono, I'm just a little under dressed," said Peter as he then fell over.
"Hey there, baby," slurred Brian who was also drunk, "There's a waterbed in the back so... use your imagination."
"Sir, you're a dog!" said Angela in shock.
"So are you, but that's not stopping me!" slurred Brian as he vomited on her shoes.
"Oh my god, I am so embarrassed!!" cried Meg as she ran upstairs.
Suddenly, a plunger flies right into Angela's face, knocking her down. Maddie then jumps on her and begins to pump the plunger rapidly.
"DIE, YOU!!" she shouted, "I WON'T LET YOU TAKE MY SOUL!!"
"Maddie, what the hell's wrong with you?" asked Zack.
"But you're the one who said that your boss was an evil witch!" said Maddie.
Zack just looks at Angela and chuckles nervously.
"I'll see you tomorrow, Murdock," said Angela bitterly as she walked out of the house, plunger and all.
End Flashback
The next day in the backyard, Cody is pushing a large cardboard box with windows and doors on it.
"And a new home for the newlyweds," said Cody.
"A cardboard box?" asked Maddie.
"Hey, this thing wasn't easy to obtain, you know," said Cody.
Flashback
Somewhere in a back alley, Cody comes across a hobo sleeping in a cardboard box.
"I'll give you some pot for that box," said Cody.
"Do you really think that I would give you this box?" asked the Hobo, "My shelter from the cold for some measly drugs that would probably only last me a few hours and would put me even further down in poverty and depression?"
"...Yes?" asked Cody.
"Well, you read me like a book, kid," said the hobo as he took the pot and Cody took the box.
End Flashback
"It was SUPER easy to obtain," finished Cody, "I'm gonna leave you two newlyweds alone to get acquainted with your new home."
He then leaves their "house", leaving the two alone.
"Well, it certainly looks okay," said Maddie, "But with a few decorations..."
"A few decora- WE'RE FREAKING MARRIED!!" shouted Stewie angrily, "How can you think about decorations at a time like this?!"
"Hey, I'm just trying to make the best out of a bad situation!" argued Maddie.
"Oh right, of course," said Stewie sarcastically, "You mean like how the slaves would sing on the plantations... Okay why no flashback?"
"Because we already did three in a row," said Maddie, "We can't overdo it."
"Well I suppose we must set some rules in order for this marriage thing to work," said Stewie, "Rule number one: You must always cook and clean for me when I want you to, even if I'm not hungry or my clothes are dirty."
"Screw that!" said Maddie, "I'm your wife, not your slave!"
"Wife... Slave... Tomato... Tomahto," said Stewie,
"Alright then," said Maddie, "Rule number two: You're getting a job!"
"A job?!" asked Stewie in fear.
"Yes, a job. I refuse to be married to a bum!" said Maddie, sternly.
"Show some respect to your superior," said Stewie, "I shall be ruler of this world someday."
"Yeah... a ruler without a JOB! Now get to looking in the ads!" said Maddie, "I'll have dinner ready in a minute."
Outside of the "house", Cody is laughing his butt off as Brian walks up to him.
"HAHAHA!! Oh this is too rich!" laughed Cody.
"Cody, Tilly just told me that you tricked Stewie and Maddie into thinking they're married," said Brian, "Is this true?"
"Of course not," said Cody.
"SOMETIMES I THINK YOU DON'T EVEN CARE!!" shouted Maddie from inside, "TO THINK THAT I WASTED SOME OF THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE WITH YOU!!"
"Best years- WE'VE BEEN ONLY MARRIED FOR A FREAKING DAY!!" shouted Stewie, "THIS MARRIAGE IS A SHAM!!"
"AND NOW I HAVE ABANDONMENT ISSUES!!" sobbed Maddie.
"Cody, tell them their marriage isn't real," said Brian.
"Let me think about," said Cody, "Okay I thought about it... no!"
"Okay, I'll tell them myself!" said Brian before he was downed by a tranquillizer dart, "Hey... Where did... you... get.. that?"
"Take a wild guess," said Cody.
Meanwhile at Quagmire's house...
"Ewww! Why did you shoot a spitball at my neck?" asked a random woman.
"Spitball shooter?" asked Quagmire, "This was supposed to be a tranquillizer dart... NO WAIT!!I MEANT-"
But it was too late and he was slapped. A few nights later, the family was all dressed up and getting the house ready for Meg's new friend.
"I feel like such a queer," said Zack as he was wearing a suit and had his hair tied in a ponytail.
"Well I think you look very handsome," said Meg.
"I agree," said Lois, "It makes you look less scruffy and more like a gentleman."
"Yeah, and it makes you look like a queer, too!" laughed Peter.
Meg then licks her tongue and rub Maddie's cheeks with her spit.
"Sweetie, you have a little smudge on your cheek," said Meg all mother like.
"Eww! MOM!!" complained Maddie.
"Meg, your friend is just coming over for dinner," said Lois, "It's not a big deal."
"But tonight has to be perfect," said Meg, "I don't want her to think that I'm some kind of lame-o."
"Oh no, she wouldn't think that at all," said Stewie as he was trying to hold back his laughter,"...Why don't you show her your vast trophy collection of all of your accomplishments," he said as he burst with laughter. Maddie then whacks him on the knee with a stick, Nancy Kerrigan-style.
"OOWWWW!! OWWWW!! OOOOOOWWWW!!" groaned Stewie in pain.
"Reverse domestic violence, dear," said Maddie.
Suddenly the doorbell rings.
"Oh my gosh! That's her!" said Meg in excitement as she ran to the door, "Everybody, look your best!"
"Okay, remember to make her feel welcome," said Lois, "We don't want her to think we're a bunch of weirdos."
"Everyone, this is my friend Raven!" said Meg.
Everyone was looking on in excitement... until she stepped into the room. Everyone was shocked to find out that Meg's friend was a Goth.
"Hey everybody," said Raven "Wow, cool place you got here."
"AAAAHHH!! ZOMBIE!!" screamed Chris.
"Meg, what has your mother and I told you about digging up corpses and forcing them to be your friends?" asked Peter sternly.
"Hey, and they have a sense of humor, too," said Raven.
"Raven, this is my family," said Meg, "These are my parents, Peter and Lois, my brothers, Chris and Stewie, my husband, Zack, my daughter Maddie, and his son Cody."
"I didn't know you were married with kids. I LOVE kids," said Raven as she held Maddie.
"Cool! Can you teach ME how to put jewelry in my mouth?" asked Maddie.
"Wait, where's Brian?" asked Meg.
Meanwhile in a closet, Brian is tied and gagged.
"Um... Hey, there he is!" said Cody.
"Here I am!" said Jasper, Brian's extremely gay cousin who was now naked and had his hair trimmed to look just like Brian, "That's me Brian, that pooch with a wit as dry as his martinis and also apparently dry in bed since I can't keep a woman... OOOH!! I'm so nasty! He'll probably kill me if he heard this."
"Peter... doesn't Brian seem a little strange to you?" asked Lois.
"Oh, I am so loving this Au Naturale look," said Jasper, "Everybody can see Mr. Dangles and everything."
"Seems the same to me," said Peter.
"Um, Meg can we talk to you in the kitchen?" asked Lois, "In private?"
"I'm coming with you," said Zack as he, Lois, Meg, and Peter walked into the kitchen.
"Meg about your friend-" said Lois before she was interrupted.
"I know. Isn't she the best?" asked Meg.
"She seems pretty nice," said Zack, "And it looks like the kids like her, too."
In the living room, Cody walks up to Raven.
"How YOU doin'?" he asked like Joey from Friends.
Back in the kitchen...
"Meg, I don't want you hanging out with her," said Lois.
"Why not?" asked Meg.
"Because she's a Goth," said Peter, "And because they do not conform to society's view of normality and act like individuals, they are considered freaks."
"But that's not fair!" said Meg.
"Yeah, I mean, come one!" said Zack, "This the first friend she's had that I didn't need to hold at gun point."
Flashback
Up in Meg's room, Meg is talking with her stuffed animals. With Zack standing by the door with his shotgun.
"I was thinking that we could stay up late and have a party," said Meg.
"And I suggest you all stay," threatened Zack, "Unless you all want to do to you what I did to Mr. Potato head last time."
The camera then pans to the microwave with a melted Mr. Potato.
"Wait, Mr. Potato head didn't try to run away," said Meg.
"Well, those removable eyes scare me!!" said Zack.
End Flashback
"Meg, I just want the best for you," said Lois.
"Then why won't you let me be Raven's friend?" asked Meg.
"Because she's different!" said Peter.
"No, it's because she might be a bad influence on you," said Lois, "I hear nothing but bad things about Goths. They do nothing but be all depressed, sad, and gloomy and I can't imagine you being like that."
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAWait, you're serious aren't you?" asked Zack.
"But she accepts me!" said Meg, "She actually says Meg without adding, 'you're fat' or 'you're ugly' or 'I thought you were a boy' or 'Stop doing that thing with your tongue because I'm not in the mood'."
"Hey, Peter roshamboed me for the remote that night," said Zack, "Let it go already!"
"But Meg, she-" continued Lois.
"I don't care what you guys think about her!" protested Meg, "She accepts me and that's all that matters!"
Meg then walks into the living room to talk to Raven, but sees her about to leave the house.
"Wait, where are you going?" asked Meg, "You just got here."
"I heard you guys arguing," said Raven, "It's about me, isn't it?"
"Raven, it's not what you think," said Meg.
"Meg, it's not your fault," said Raven, "Coming here was a bad idea."
"No, please stay!" begged Meg, "Maybe I can get them to go out or-"
"It's okay. I get this alot," said Raven, "I was just kinda hoping this time would be different."
"Raven, I don't care if you're Goth!" said Meg.
"But they do," said Raven, "And I don't want you to have to go through flack because of it. Goodbye, Meg."
And with that, Raven walks out the house. Meg eyes begin to fill with tears.
"What's going on?" asked Lois as she and the others walked into the room.
"Did you see that?" asked Peter, "She just walked out like that. Some friend you are. Driving her away like that."
"Well, I hope you guys are happy!" said Meg angrily, "She's gone! It's not fair! I don't have friends, you give me crap! I do make a friend, you STILL give me crap! Sometimes I think you guys just don't want me to be happy! I HATE YOU!!"
And with that, Meg runs up to her room, sobbing loudly.
"Oh thanks a lot!" said Zack, "Now I've got to deal with crying sex... AGAIN!"
"I know she seems a little upset, but she'll be thanking us in the long run," said Lois.
"Thanking you?" said Maddie sarcastically, "You just drove away the only friend she ever made. Face it, you guys suck as parents."
"Yeah, sometimes I think Meg would be better off if she was raised by wolves," said Zack.
Cutaway
In the deep woods, a pack of wolves are feasting on a deer. Meg then walks into the scene.
"Megan, where have you been?" asked the mother wolf, "You were supposed to hunt with the pack an hour ago."
"Your mother and I were worried sick," said the father wolf, "You better not have been hanging out with that wolf from the other pack."
"But I like Jeremy!" protested Meg.
"I don't want you seeing that boy," said the father wolf.
"Your father is right," said the mother wolf, "He's from that awful rival pack of ours."
"But-"
"As alpha male, I forbid you to see him!" said the father, "I'm putting my paw down, young lady!"
"Sometimes, I don't think you guys even care about what I want!" cried Meg as she ran to a cliff on all fours and began to howl at the moon.
"Do you think we were too hard on her, John?" asked the mother.
"Just let her howl, Vivian," said the father, "Just let her howl."
End Cutaway
The next afternoon at home, Lois and Peter are in the living room watching TV.
"Meg still hasn't come back from the mall," said Lois, "Do you think she's still mad at us over last night?"
"No, Lois," said Zack as he entered the room, "Meg just happened to have won the lottery and moved to Las Veg- OF COURSE SHE'S STILL MAD AT YOU GUYS!! God, how dense are you people?"
"Dammit, she's still in Quahog," whined Peter, "Thanks for getting my hopes up, Zack."
"I think you guys should try to make it up to her," said Zack, "Spend time with her. Do something that she'd like to do."
"...Let's buy her a puppy so we don't have to interact with her," said Peter.
"Yes, let's," agreed Lois.
Suddenly, Meg walks into the house, but she was now changed. Her hair was dyed a deep dark red, her pink hat was now black with a small skull on it, her lipstick was black, she wore deep dark eyeliner, a spiked choker, a black Metallica T shirt, a black leather skirt, fishnet stockings, and tall black buckled boots.
"Meg?" asked Lois, "What the hell happened to you?"
"Last night, Lois, you made me realize something," said Meg in a deadpan manner, "My life is depressing. I have no friends, my own family doesn't care about me except for two members, and you know what? I just don't care anymore. That's why I have decided to become a Goth."
"...That... is AWESOME!" said Peter.
"Peter... Meg, you aren't a Goth," asked Lois, "You're just a little upset over Raven, but you'll get over it."
"No, Lois, last night was the last straw," said Meg without emotion, "If I can't have a friend, there's no reason for me to even try to conform and look for acceptance. I'm just going to be a loner."
"That's good for you, Meg," said Peter, "Now the death toll will finally lower, now that people won't have to deal with looking at you."
"Normally a statement like that would make me run to my room and cry," said Meg still without emotion, "But not I feel absolutely nothing."
"Really?" asked Peter.
"Oh, and Peter?" asked Meg as Peter looked at her, "Piss off."
Meg then walks out of the room.
"Peter this is awful!" said Lois, "Is our little girl really so miserable that she has to become a soulless Goth?"
"Lois, some things are better left a mystery," said Peter, "Like the REAL reason why Lyman is no longer in the Garfield comic strips."
Cutaway
Jon's old mustached roommate, Lyman, walks up to him holding a magazine.
"Is this Vogue?" asked Lyman.
"That's not mine," said Jon.
"But your name and address and everything is on here," said Lyman.
"...Listen, why don't we talk about this in the basement," said Jon.
"Okay then," said Lyman as he walked downstairs.
Jon then picked up a shotgun, cocked it and followed Lyman. Needless to say, he was never seen again.
End Cutaway
Later upstairs in Meg's room, Zack enters and to his shock, Meg had changed everything about it. There was almost no lighting at all, the curtains were gothic, the bed sheeting was gothic with a spider design on it, the walls were gothic, and her posters and his were replaced with Horror movie posters.
"Um, wow, I like what you've done with the place," said Zack nervously, "I really like your choice of colors... black and red... and black..."
"My room now represents my soul," said Meg still with no emotion.
"At least let me get my coa- AAAAHHHH!!" screamed Zack as he found a severed head of Connie in the closet.
"Stop screaming like a scaredy cat," said Meg, "That's just a wax head I made."
"Actually I was screaming with joy," said Zack, "Meg we seriously need to talk about your new lifestyle."
"If you're here to convince to give up my gothic lifestlye, you're going to fail," said Meg.
"Oh really?" asked Zack.
"First you'll talk, then notice something attractive about my new look, and we'll have sex," said Meg, "Just like last time."
"That ridiculous," said Zack, "I want to tell you that I liked Raven as much as you did, but this is not way to deal with... Are those fishnet stockings?"
"Okay, let's go," said Meg as she laid down in bed.
Later, Zack walks downstairs to Lois and Peter. Lois then sniffs the air a little.
"Zack, why do you smell like a mixture of sweat, anger, shame, and pleasure," asked Lois.
"I couldn't do it," said Zack, "But I'm thinking that maybe we should give this whole Goth thing a chance."
At that moment, Lois the telephone rings and Lois answers it.
"Hello? Meg's what?!" asked Lois angrily, "Mmmhmmm... I understand... I'll see you about it tomorrow."
"Who was that?" asked Peter.
"That was the principal from Meg's school!" said Lois, "He said that she was suspended!"
"Wonder what she was suspended for?" asked Zack.
Meanwhile at the school gym, Connie was tied to a cross hanging from the ceiling.
"God, I really need to stop being a bitch to Meg," said Connie.
Meanwhile at Olivia's house, Maddie is speaking with her friend about what's going on with her life.
"So according to Chinese customs, we're married," said Maddie.
"Wow, that is a big problem," said Olivia, "Have you thought about getting a divorce?"
"I did," said Maddie, "But I don't want to divorce without a reason."
"...Well maybe if he caught you cheating with someone..." said Olivia.
"That's it!" said Maddie, "I'll have him catch me cheating on him. I just need to find someone who'll do it. Someone who I know closely. Someone who has a crush on me! Someone who will kiss a girl!"
"You mean?" asked Olivia as her eyes lit up.
"That's right!" said Maddie, "I'm getting Bertram!"
"Oh... Bertram," said Olivia in disappointment.
"What?" asked Maddie, "Who did you thought I meant?"
"Never mind," said Olivia.
Meanwhile at Chuck E. Cheese's, Stewie, Cody, and CJ are hanging out, having a few pizzas.
"Dude, what's wrong?" asked Cody, "You haven't touched your pizza at all."
"What's wrong?" asked Stewie, "I'm freaking married is what's wrong! And to my niece, no less!"
"Dude, cheer up," said Cody, "It ain't that bad. You've just lost all of your male freedom is what it is."
It's not just that," said Stewie, "All the women in my life has betrayed me in one way or another. Liddane, Olivia, Janet..."
"Dude, they didn't betray you," said CJ, "You betrayed them."
"What the deuce do you mean?" asked Stewie.
"Think about it," said CJ, "You got Liddane fired, you were being bad to Olivia and caused her to cheat on you, and Janet... You just didn't have the cookies."
"My god, you're right!" said Stewie, "I've been driving away the women I loved without realizing it. Maddie could be my last redemption. I won't let her get away! I'M COMING MADELINE!!" he shouts as he runs from out of the restaurant.
"...Holy crap!" said Cody, "That's his freaking niece! I've gotta stop him before he does something stupid!"
Cody then runs out of the restaurant after Stewie. CJ then begins to eat the rest of the pizza all by himself.
"I'm so smart, it's criminal," said CJ.
Meanwhile, Lois, Peter, and Zack are walking up to Raven's house.
"This is all that Raven's fault!" said Lois angriy, "Corrupting her with her gothicism! Well I'm going to have a talk with that girl!
They ring the doorbell, and Raven answers it.
"Oh, it's you people," said Raven disdainfully, "I can't be a 'freak' at my own house, either?"
"You corrupted our Meg!" said Peter angrily.
"Oh really?" asked Raven, "I thought that was your job."
"Don't give us that!" said Lois, "We love our daughter!"
"Yeah! She loves our daughter!" said Peter.
"And we only want the best for her," said Lois.
"Well if that's true, then why won't you let me be her friend?" asked Raven.
"Because of your ways!" said Lois, "Thanks to you, she's a depressed and mopey Goth."
"Oh really?" asked Zack, "You mean to tell me that she's always been happy and that you've treated her right?"
"Of course!" said Lois, "She's our daughter!"
"We've never done anything terrible to her," said Peter.
"Oh? ROLL THE CLIPS!!" shouted Zack.
Flashback # 1
"Dear Diary," read Lois, "Kevin is so hot. Today he was out in the yard raking leaves. God I wish he'd throw me into that pile of leaves."
The family then laughs as Meg enters the room.
"Hey, what's everybody- Oh my god! My diary!" said Meg in horror, "I hate you all!!"
She then runs out of the room sobbing.
"Keep going," said Peter.
Flashback # 2
During the boating race.
"We gotta lose some extra weight!" said Peter, "Quick, everyone take off your clothes."
"It's working," said Brian.
"We just need a little more," said Peter as he tosses Meg off.
"AAHHH" she screams.
"We love you, honey," said Lois.
Flashback # 3
"Hey everybody! Brian's the new Meg," laughed Lois.
"Brian's the new Meg! Brian's the new Meg!" sang Chris.
"Yeah, you're the new me!" said Meg.
"Shut up, Meg," said Peter.
Flashback # 4
"Hi dad-" said Meg before she was shot by Peter.
End Flashbacks
"I'd hit you right now, but my arm is sore from hitting you all the time," said Zack.
"Wow... I never knew we made her THAT miserable," said Lois.
"Listen, if Meg's as depressed as you say she is, let me help her," said Raven.
"I don't know..." said Lois.
"You have to trust me," said Raven.
"...Okay, I'll trust you," said Lois.
"Perfect, because I have a plan..." said Raven as she whispered to the family.
Exactly what is the plan? That's for later. Meanwhile, back in Stewie and Maddie's cardboard home, Maddie has Bertram over.
"Okay, so I get to kiss you just to make Stewie mad?" asked Bertram.
"That's pretty much it," said Maddie.
"Then what the hell are we waiting for?" asked Bertram.
"I think I'm having second thoughts," said Maddie, "I still remember what Stewie did to Olivia... You know, burned her alive?"
"Oh c'mon, just one kiss!" said Bertram as he tried to force himself onto her.
"Bertram, get off me!" said Maddie in frustration.
At that moment, Stewie bursts through the door.
"Maddie! We have to talk- What the deuce?" asked Stewie as he found Maddie with Bertram.
"Stewie! It's not what you think!" said Maddie.
"It's exactly what I think!" said Stewie, "Bertram has caught you vulnerable and is using you to get to me! You keep your hands off my niece and wife you swine!"
Stewie then tackles Bertram and they both get into a fist fight. They both strike each other in the head, trading blows until Stewie gains the upper hand and pummels Bertram bloody.
"Stewie! Are you okay?" asked Maddie.
"I'm fine," said Stewie, "Listen, I know it's weird and you're my niece, but I want to give this marriage thing a chance."
"But why?" asked Maddie.
"I've already lost a bunch of important women in my life," said Stewie, "I guess I'm afraid of losing you, too."
"Yes, but this is incest!" said Maddie, "It'll never work!... But since we are bound 'till death do us part..."
"Just think about it," said Stewie, "You and me, side by side, ruling the world as king and queen! I'll even change your DNA so we aren't related!"
"Hey guys!" panted Cody as he entered the room, "You wanna hear something really, really, really, really, reeeeeally funny about the Chinese marriage thing?"
"Yes, what about it?" asked Stewie.
"I made it all up," laughed Cody, "HAHAHAHAHA!! Isn't it just so darn FUNNY? I mean, it was just so funny in a humorous, funny, harmless, please don't kill Cody kind of way, huh?"
"...You mean, I almost fell in love with my own freaking niece?!" Asked Stewie angrily as his blood began to boil.
"...And I almost let Bertram kiss me all for NOTHING?!" asked Maddie likewise.
"C'mon, it was just a joke, right?" asked Cody nervously.
"Here's a joke for you," said Stewie, "What has black hair, no teeth, and a broken spine?"
"I dunno..." said Cody.
"Let's find out!" said Maddie as she and Stewie jumped him.
The camera then cuts to an exterior to the cardboard house. With the sounds of pummeling.
"OW!! MY RIBS!!" shouted Cody in pain, "OW!! MY SPINE!! NO NOT THE FACE!! OUCH!! THAT DOESN'T BEND THAT WAY!! NOOOOO!! ANKLE LOOOOOOCK!! Hey a Dollar! STOP TWISTING IT!!"
Later that night, Meg is walking in a graveyard alone with a note in her hand. The note read: "Meet me at the graveyard. We have to talk. Signed Raven. P.S. I think I left my right glove at your house when I was there. I really wish your parents didn't make me leave or I'd still have it. God, I hate that bitch. And your mother's annoying, too." Anyway, Meg makes it to the middle of the graveyard to see Raven and a bunch of other Goths hanging out on the tombstones.
"You wanted to see me about something?" asked Meg.
"Yes," said Raven, "Word on the streets is that you've become a Goth."
"Yes, and don't bother trying to change me," said Meg.
"Oh by no means," said Raven.
"Yeah, you're one of us, now," said one of the male Goths.
"Not quite," said Raven, "We're all about to do something wicked and if you can do it, you'll become one of us."
"And what's that?" asked Meg.
"Well because our lives are so depressing we're going to cut ourselves," said a female Goth.
"You mean, suicide?" asked Meg.
"Of course," said Raven, "I mean you have nothing to live for, right?"
Raven then hands Meg a razor blade. Meg just looks at it emotionlessly and brings it to her wrist.
"Um... here goes," said Meg unsurely. At that moment, images of Zack and Maddie flashed into her mind. Then Lois, then Chris, then Stewie, then Brian, and then... and then... Homer, "No... that's not it..." she thought and then Peter showed up. She then dropped the razor blade, "I can't do it. I can't even be a decent Goth to fit in."
"Meg, being a Goth isn't all about suicide and depression," said Raven, "And you don't need to be a Goth to be my friend."
"Yeah, too bad it has to be vice versa," said Meg.
"No it doesn't," said Lois as she came from behind the tombstone, "Raven, I'm sorry about how I treated you. You're obviously a good person, and good enough to be Meg's friend."
"Thanks Mrs. Griffin," said Raven, "Alright, guys, show's over," she said as she saw that all of her Goth friends had cut themselves, "AW, GODDAMMIT!! See, this is why I was looking for new friends."
"I feel sorry for the poor soul who has to clean this mess," said Lois as she and the others walked away.
The next afternoon in the living room, The Griffins, Murdocks, and Raven were all watching TV together. Suddenly the doorbell rings, and Meg answers. There stood Liddane.
"Liddane?" asked Meg, "What are you doing here?"
"Listen, I wanted to apologize for ditching you the other night," said Liddane, "I guess the peer pressure got to me."
"Really?" asked Meg, "What changed your mind?"
"Raven over there told me how good a person you are," said Liddane, "So I want to give you a chance. How about we hang out at the mall?"
"Really?" asked Meg, "No fooling? You wanna come too, Raven?"
"Only if we stop by Hot Topic to make fun of the emos," said Raven as they walked away and left.
"Well, I'd say we all learned something today," said Peter.
"I know I did," said Lois, "I learned not to judge a book by its cover. I also learned that Meg is a person just like us and deserves respect."
"...You're going to forget this by the next episode, aren't you?" asked Zack.
"Probably," said Peter.
"You know, I can't help but thinking I forgot something," said Cody wrapped in bandages.
Meanwhile in the closet, Brian is still tied up, smelling like urine, and cussing.
"Oh crap, I forgot Brian!" said Cody.
"That's not the only thing you forgot," said Japer, "Now where's my f(bleep)king paycheck?"
End Chapter