Decisions

Spencer let himself in to Jaye's and found Truan pouring juice for her breakfast. "Hey, hi Truan. How is she today?" he asked immediately.

Spencer noticed that the big Spaniard was more subdued than usual, his customary animated greeting absent.

"Good morning, Doctor Reid. She hasn't been sleeping well." he replied.

Spencer handed him the bag of Jaye's favorite cranberry orange muffins he'd brought and began to get concerned. "Any reason for it?" he asked.

Truan gestured with the juice glass for Spencer to sit at the kitchen table and he did, Truan joining him. He looked across the table at Spencer and said. "There no physical reason for it if that's what you're asking."

Spencer looked at him, confused. "I'm uh, I'm not sure what..." he began.

Truan looked at him full in the face. "It is very difficult to be her right now, Doctor. She is not only dealing with her physical limitations and the imminent arrival of the bambina, but she has many thoughts and feelings that most people aren't noticing. She's keeping everything very closed-off, very locked down, and it's starting to take a toll," he finished, his voice soft.

Spencer looked at the other man, hearing him, and becoming fully concerned. "I understand. What can I do?" he asked.

"You need to speak to her, Dr. Reid. You need to have a conversation where you just let her tell you, where she can open up... even if you might not want to hear what she needs to say."

"Jaye and I don't have any secrets, Truan. At least none that I know of." Spencer said.

"Exactly. None that you know of." He stood up and handed Reid the juice glass. "Why don't you take this to her today." he said.

Jaye was sitting up, flipping through the tv channels when she heard Spencer's unmistakable soft knock on her door. "Oh balls," she thought. She took a deep breath and exhaled. "Come in Spencer," she said.

"How'd you know it was me?" he said, smiling at her.

For once, Jaye was glad to be sitting. His smile made her knees turn to jelly. And he looked so adorable in his sweater vest, standing there with the little plate of muffins. She'd be damned if she would tell him that, though.

"You look like hell," she said instead, reaching for the juice.

He grinned at her, handing it over. "Thanks."

She helped herself to one of the muffins and said. "No, I mean your darkeye is really prominent today. Haven't you been sleeping?"

"I was going to ask you the same thing," he said.

"My blabbermouth nurse say something?" she asked.

Spencer said "Can I sit?" gesturing at the bed.

Jaye shrugged. "Do what you want."

Spencer sat on the edge of the bed and looked at her. "I'd really like to know how you're doing... I mean... if you want to tell me... or... anything." he finished lamely.

Jaye stopped chewing her bite of muffin and looked at him. He was fidgeting and nervous and... damn that Truan. Her eyebrows went up.

"So is this when I'm supposed to just spill my guts? Just open up my mouth and let all the words come tumbling out? Because you're sitting in front of me now, because I have your attention I'm just supposed to fork it over?" Her gaze turned sharp as she looked at him.

Spencer knew that look and he steeled himself. "Jaye, you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. I just -" he started.

"-Well that's not really true, is it Spencer?" she interrupted. " I have to sit here. I have to stay in this bed, I have to not work, I have to take medicine and be taken care of like I'm some sort of invalid. I have to put up with you and your team traipsing through here every day whether I want to or not... and the huge prize at the end? I have to become a mother! To your baby!" Her voice became shrill at the end.

"Yes. You do." Spencer said softly, looking into her eyes. "You're right. So tell me what I can do. What can I do, to help?"

"You're doing too much, Spencer! That's the point! You're ALWAYS here. Or JJ is, or Garcia, or Morgan. Everyone I see who isn't you reminds me of you! Do you have any idea how hard that is?"

"Okay, okay, I get that," Spencer said, annoyed. "But tell me, what's the alternative? Everybody just cares, Jaye, would you rather nobody did? I know that none of this is easy but what else would you have me do? Am I supposed to just leave you completely alone until our daughter is born? You know I can't do that... I'm trying... I'm trying to let you know, show you that you're not alone and that I'll do anything to help if you'll just tell me. Tell me what it is you need."

He looked at her with such a question on his beautiful face and she knew he was sincere. It didn't help.

"The truth is, Spencer, that I AM alone. When it comes down to it that is exactly what I am. And what I need... what I truly need? You can't give me."

He looked at her, his brow furrowed, struggling to understand.

"I need you." she said flatly. "I just need... you. Damnit Spencer. I still love you."

She lifted her eyes to his and he could see the truth in them, and the sadness.

Spencer sat looking at her for a long moment. He knew what he said next would be very important to the both of them. He had hoped that she had been able to let go of some of her feelings for him over the past months, but looking at her, he could tell that wasn't so. She needed a break. A clean break. Him being around all the time wasn't helping her get over him, it was just prolonging the pain of their break-up, and reminding her every day that they would never be together.

Spencer's first instinct was to move towards her, to reach out to her, offering some kind of comforting physical connection, but he realized that wouldn't help, would in fact make things worse. He stood up and put his hands in his pockets.

"I'm not going to insult you by reminding you of where I am in that regard. I wish you didn't feel that way, but I know there's nothing I can do about it, either. Whether you believe it or not, I do care about you. I just cannot be there in the way you need me to be. I've tried to be accessible, and I will always be that to you. All I can do is what I know to be right." He took a breath before continuing... "So I won't be coming by most every day like I have been. I'll stay in touch with Truan so he'll always know where I am, and I'll tell the team to not come by any more. Although I don't think Garcia will listen, I know the rest of them will. I hope that helps, Jaye."

She shook her head. "At this point, I don't know that anything will. And I know you're right, a clean break is better... but... it's going to hurt like hell." Her face crumpled as she looked into her lap.

Spencer needed to get out of there or he was going to put his arms around her, despite his rationale. He felt so badly for her, and so sorry for his part in it. He wished he could take her pain onto himself, he'd give anything if he could take away her hurt.

"I'm going to go now," he said.

She nodded. "Goodbye, Spencer." she said as she turned her back to him, lying on her side, dying inside.

He looked at her small, rigid back and wished he could push all his regret through it straight into her heart. It wouldn't solve anything but it might make her feel just the tiniest bit better to know that he was hurting too.

"Bye," he said as he left the room, closing the door behind him, his heart heavy as lead.