Calm – Xmas Interlude (or the Sansa situation or that's not proportional)
December 24, 2005 (or Tyrion's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Christmas Eve)
Arya
Sansa was right to be worried about Tyrion and Gendry. The moment that Arya noticed Sansa suggesting to Tyrion that he go to the kitchen and be alone with her husband, she knew there was a chance for trouble. In fairness to her sister, it was good in theory. If Tyrion were just a stranger to Gendry they could stand in the kitchen and make small talk. The short blond man would be comfortably secured from the snarling beast that was her Rob Stark in the kitchen with Gendry. But Tyrion wasn't a stranger. He was the man that gave Arya the acid that produced the worst night of her life. She took it of her own free will and didn't blame him for what happened. However, neither Arya or Gendry liked the idea of seeing Tyrion again because of that terrible memory. He was the beginning of a chain of events that led to Gendry losing control and kicking in a door - an action that Arya only recently began to understand deeply bothered her husband.
"I'll be right back," Arya told her sister as she turned from the living room and made her way into the kitchen. It seemed that dinner was almost ready, and based on her mother's hurried motions it would be ready at seven as she promised, even if it killed her. Gendry appeared to putting the finishing touches on his potatoes and was whipping half and half into the mangled spuds.
"Everything okay?" Arya asked Gendry softly so as not to alert her mother.
"Yep," Gendry replied with a quick nod as he ground the potatoes with the stainless steel masher his mother-in-law provided.
"You sure? Because Tyrion just ran upstairs looking like you stole his lunch money after giving him a noogie."
"What's going on Arya?" her mother asked as she pulled the turkey out of the oven.
"Oh...nothing," Arya muttered, motioning Gendry away from with a snap of her head, and he dutifully followed her away from his work.
"What happened?" Arya asked him once they were out of earshot of her mother.
"Nothing..." Gendry lied.
"No, if you did nothing, I wouldn't be over here."
"Well...maybe something happened...and I got a little testy."
"And what exactly happened?"
"He came in here and we start talking, and everything was good."
"Yeah?" Arya asked, raising an unbelieving eyebrow.
"Well, maybe..."
"Goddammit Gendry..." Arya growled under her breath. "Just tell me what happened."
"Fuck. Okay. The little shit got under my skin and I might have told him your mom would never love his son."
"Gendry..."
"And I might have called his kid a bastard."
"Gendry..." she hissed though clenched teeth.
"And..." Gendry muttered with a deep exhale.
"And?!" Arya exclaimed under her voice, shocked at the prospect that it got worse.
"I might have mentioned that I've seen Sansa and your parents naked...and that your mother and sister shared birthmarks on their breasts...and that you and your dad have similar moles on your inner thighs."
"Wait what?" Arya sputtered. "Why did you tell him that?"
"Because it's really weird and for the rest of the night Tyrion will be thinking of what your parents look like naked."
"But, wait," Arya said as she whispered her thoughts out loud. Not only were the thoughts bizarre, they didn't make any sense. "I don't have a mole on my inner thigh. Do I?" she asked, knowing that Gendry might know the terrain between her legs better than she did.
"No, I doubt your father does either" Gendry answered flatly.
"You're really fucked up, you know that, right?" Arya softly said to the love of her life.
"Yeah, I know," Gendry shrugged, clearly not proud of his actions. "It's just...we started talking about Halloween. And...just..." Gendry struggled to get the words out. He didn't want to talk about this, he never wanted to. It took Arya two years, multiple late night conversations, and a condom-free marriage pact to convince Gendry to finally go to therapy and deal with his shit. But, in her mother's kitchen, surrounded by Arya's family that had never truly seen that side of Gendry, he would rather be eaten by wolves than talk about his shit.
"It's okay," Arya said with a shrug. "You don't have to...I know."
"Thanks," Gendry said with a smile and looked down. "I do feel bad for Tyrion though."
"Good. Because if you didn't you'd be reaching some freaky Hannibal Lecter level."
"Actually, Hannibal Lecter would be useful in this situation..." Gendry said as he looked up to the ceiling in thought, which caused Arya to give her mother's food a suspicious glance.
We are having turkey tonight...right?
"What the fuck are you talking about?" Arya asked.
Gendry laughed with a shrug. "Sorry, it made sense in my head. Dr. Lecter was a shrink, who could help Tyrion's current situation with some drugs."
"Huh?" Arya asked.
"You know, like anxiety drugs," Gendry said with a little tilt of his head.
"Like your Xanax in my coat pocket?" Arya asked with a grin, finally understanding Gendry's idea.
"Yeah, why not? We know he is at least a recreational user...two years ago. You go give him one as a peace-offering," Gendry explained.
"Why me?" Arya asked with a perturbed tone.
"'Cus I have to finish my potatoes and help your mom with a couple other things first. And if I were to be alone with him right now he might try to choke me to death."
"Fine," Arya said with a stern face. "But you owe me."
"I'm okay with that," he said with a small smile. Even though he had done something terrible she still loved him. He was a fucked up kid with severe daddy issues, but he was her fucked up kid with severe daddy issues.
"I love you," he added.
"I know," Arya said, giving him a devious grin, happy to quote 'Empire' when she could. "I'll be right back," she added, then kissed him on the cheek and made her way down the hallway.
She stalked down the hall, quick as deer, quiet like a shadow, then snaked around the hallway to the closet that held her coat. The door creaked as she opened it and her body cringed at the specter of someone wandering by. She was amazed at Gendry offering Tyrion a Xanex, because he would be telling a stranger that he actually had Xanex. But she suspected that he didn't want anyone else knowing about his prescription. Hastily, Arya peeked into the living and saw Sansa talking with Jon, Ygritte, and Bran.
Stay down here big sister.
Arya scampered up the stairs, soft like a bunny, quiet like a mime, until she reached the darkened upstairs hallway. Arya hadn't been in this hallway since she moved out and wasn't sure where Tyrion was. On the right were the three bedrooms that tonight would be filled with Jon and Ygritte in Arya's old room, Bran and Jon in the middle room, and Sansa in her old room. At the end of the hallway on the left was her parents bedroom. There was no light anywhere except for stream escaping underneath the bathroom door to Arya's left.
The little shit is taking a shit.
"Hey," Arya whispered to the door as she pawed it lightly. "Tyrion, it's Arya."
A moment past and all Arya heard was some rustling in the bathroom. It wasn't a ruckus, but it was something. "Tyrion," Arya hissed one more time and knocked a bit louder.
"Busy," was all Arya got in return.
"Well, finish up," Arya ordered.
"Well, stop distracting me," Tyrion shot back.
"Distracting you? How hard is it for you to shit?"
"Just...shut up and leave me alone. Go hang out with your psycho husband."
"Dammit Tyrion," she sighed, and reached for the door knob but found it was locked. She turned it a couple more times and noise loudly rattled off the walls.
"C'mon, Tyrion. Just let me in. We need to talk," she begged to no response. Her fingers drummed on the door as she thought. There had to be a way in. Gendry had found a solution to this problem before which started this whole mess. However, the 'Kool-Aid Man' approach was maybe not right for this situation.
Wait...I've been here before.
She had been here before, but with Sansa. Sansa has an annoying habit of hogging the bathroom most mornings when they were growing up. At first Arya would just barge in and brush her teeth, or quickly run a comb through her hair, much to Sansa's chagrin. Over time, Sansa began to lock the door and Arya needed a new way in. As she thought of that her thumb rubbed the door knob and found the small hole in the center.
There we go...there it is.
Arya had work to do, but she had to be silent and fast. In the darkness she guided herself into Sansa's room and flipped on the light. Her suitcase, which was large and blue, sat on the bed, and there was a matching blue satchel off to the side. Arya unzipped the satchel and began to rummage through Sansa's bathroom supplies.
Toothbrush, toothpaste, hair gel, hair spray, hair brush...where are you...ahh, there you are!
Arya lifted her prize into the air – a bobby pin. A small object, normally of little significance, just meant to hold some hair in place. To her it was the key to the bathroom. She exited the room, turned off the lights, and began to bend the bobby pin out of shape so it was straight. Arya found her way back to the door knob and jammed the pin in the hole and began to twist it. She couldn't find the spot - she hadn't done this in a while and she was out of practice.
I'm sure this happens to people all the time. Like at least one in three men. Oh..c'mon on baby...you know I love you.
Her motions with smooth at the beginning but they grew more frantic with each failed attempt. A small bead of sweat began to form on brow, feeling the pressure to perform growing, and fear of failure setting in.
No, I can do this...
With one last mighty jam she thrust the metal strip into the dark little hole, turned it, and finally there was a click and the knob turned with Arya's hand. "Yes," Arya whispered under her breath as she opened the door.
"What the hell!" Tyrion yelled as she entered, and he had good reason to be upset. Tyrion straddled the toilet, facing the opposite direction, with his pants and underpants off. His hand and penis both glistened with the distinct glaze of the hand lotion that rested beside him on the bathroom counter. His face was flushed as he began to scuttle off the toilet and reach for a wad of toilet paper to wipe the lotion off his hands and his penis.
And...his penis. Now...Arya wasn't an expert. In person, she had only seen a handful of penisia, and her only 'hands on' experience was with Gendry's. Besides Gendry's equipment most of the penisa she saw were usually flaccid in movies. But this was...different. Again...she wasn't an expert, but it seemed odd to her. To her understanding, a man's height usually correlated to the size of penis. But, that was not the case with Tyrion...he was not proportional. Gendry was probably a foot taller than Tyrion, but to Arya's eye there wasn't much difference south of border between the two men. And her eyes kept on betraying her. It seemed very rude to stare...probably no more rude than breaking into a bathroom...but she couldn't help herself. It was like dead squirrel on the side of the road. The head was bulging, the body was abnormally elongated, and fluids were dripping everywhere. Arya knew she shouldn't stare...but was mesmerized by it.
"What the hell?" Arya asked in a hushed tone as she closed the door behind her. She wanted to remain quiet and not have anyone 'investigate' the situation. "Are you fucking jerking off?" she asked, her eyes desperately wanted to look down, and her mind fought the urge.
"Not...none of your business," Tyrion answered as he finished wiping off his hand, then looked at Arya. The next part would be to wipe off his cock, which she could tell he thought would be improper given the context. "Would you mind?" he asked and motioned his head to the door.
"No," Arya said in a sure voice. "We need to clear the air if we are going to make it though tonight."
"And the best way to do this is break into the bathroom I'm using?"
"I thought you were taking a shit," Arya defended herself.
"Well clearly I wasn't."
"Why the hell would you jerk off...in my parent's spare bathroom...on Christmas Eve?!" she asked and couldn't help but raise her voice as her eyes darted down against her will.
Now I can't look away because he's pointing the damn thing at me.
"Not that it's any of your fucking business, but I was just trying to relive a little stress. Stress that was caused by your fucking evil asshole husband."
"And you couldn't just have a drink or something?"
"I tried to have a drink and then Gendry told me he saw your entire family naked!" he yelled, also in a hushed tone. At least they were in agreement they didn't want anyone else involved in this. "I mean...what the fuck is wrong with him!"
"You hit a nerve. Gendry still feels really...weird..." Arya said with a pause, unsure how much information Gendry would be comfortable having revealed. "He was just a pissed about the acid trip and his misguided blame landed on you. And he's sorry about it."
"Well, that's just great." Tyrion sarcasticly remarked. "At least he's sorry about being a tremendous fucking douche-bag."
"Hey," Arya said with steely resolve, taking a step closer to Tyrion. "Don't fucking call my husband a douche-bag. Especially after he sent me up here to apologize."
"Well, I call them as I see them. And as the saying goes, if the douche fits."
Arya growled under her breath, angry at his comments, and furious that he was right about Gendry's behavior.
Stupid Gendry making me defend his stupid douchey behavior.
"Okay, look," Arya said after taking a deep breath. "Gendry and I are both sorry. I don't blame you for Halloween. I took the damn acid on my own. Gendry is still sore about that, but he's sorry about the truly shitty stuff he said." Arya's eyes darted down one more time and she realized something.
What the hell! Why is he still hard! Deflate already!
"We just want to get through the rest of the night in one piece. We'll be cool, you'll be cool. You'll tell Sansa...everything...and someday we'll all laugh over this."
"Fine," Tyrion spat out angrily, clearly wanting her to leave to either finish cleaning up, or finish up his previous task.
"And, as a peace offering," Arya began and took the orange plastic pill bottle out of her pocket. "We brought you a present."
Tyrion's eyes instantly widened at the sight of the bottle. His stance straightened up, his hands clenched, and his breathing went from a soft rhythm to near hyperventilating. 'What's that?" he asked, his eyes not looking away from the bottle.
"Xanex. Based on what we know about you we thought it'd be a nice ironic peace offering."
"Really?" Tyrion laughed and gazed at the bottle.
"Yeah, sure," Arya shrugged, trying to keep a calm attitude about giving Tyrion a controlled substance, and handed him the bottle.
"Where'd you get that?" Tyrion asked as he inspected the bottle.
"It was given to us by the united brotherhood of none of your damn business," Arya groaned, regretting giving Tyrion the bottle as she had just realized it had Gendry's name on it.
Tyrion stood there for a moment, entranced by the bottle, like it was a dead squirrel on the side of the road. "Are you for real?" Tyrion asked, unable to break the trance the bottle had on him.
"Umm, yeah," Arya answered quizzically, not understanding the question. "I'm not a cop. And I won't tell anyone."
"Is this for real?" Tyrion mumbled, not asking Arya, not really asking anyone.
"Ummm...you okay?" she asked.
"I haven't had a Xanex since my son was born...since I got back with Sansa..." he sighed.
"Ohh," Arya moaned, now understanding the problem.
"And now, a hot young girl just broke into this bathroom, can't stop staring at my dick, and is offering me free drugs."
"Hey! I'm not staring!" Arya couldn't help but yell, more bothered that he was right then him saying it.
"It has to be a dream," Tyrion mused with a laugh.
Arya was greatly torn. Now not only was she alone in a bathroom with her sister's half naked boyfriend, with a penis that was not proportional, but she had just given him drugs that might cause a relapse. She, and Gendry too, probably just thought he did some drugs on the side for fun and they didn't judge. At least once a year they spent a wonderful night at home with their copy of 'Gremlins' on DVD and a platter of delicious brownies. They assumed Tyrion's relationship with pills was probably the same. They assumed badly. They didn't think he wouldn't be unable to look away from the bottle.
Should I try to take the pills? What if he gets pissed? What if I touch...it..in the struggle?
"Tyrion...why don't you give me that back," Arya suggested as she reached out her hand.
"But...I really don't wanna..." Tyrion whimpered, his voice breaking as he spoke. He wanted the pill. He wanted it so fucking bad.
"Do it for Sansa." Arya told him softly.
That seemed to get through to Tyrion as his eyes finally darting away from the bottle back to Arya.
"Okay, I'll give you back the pills," he mumbled as the bottle began to shake in his uneasy fist.
"Good," Arya nodded with a grin.
"But, you need to let me finish jerking off...it's all I got at this point."
"Fine," Arya chuckled, a mix of nervous laughter and true amusement. "I'm already on my way out the door," she said as she opened the door and began to back out of the room. He need the space and she didn't give a shit if he jerked off. He would probably be gracious enough to wipe up afterward.
"Okay, good," he replied and then laughed as he followed her out of the room to hand her back the bottle. "Could you imagine if your mom saw me right now?"
"Oh fuck. It'd be terrible," she answered and they both began to laugh.
Arya heard a rustling down the hall and she glanced back towards a figure that stood at the top of stairs. "What the fuck?!" Sansa yelled at them.
"Oh...great," Arya moaned as she swiped the Xanex back from Tyrion who relinquished the pills with ease. His attention was now fully on Sansa.
"What the fuck is going on!?" Sansa screamed again, her shrieking echoing throughout the house.
"It's not what it looks like," Arya meekly offered, not exactly sure what it looked like, but knew it wasn't good.
"Yeah, it's okay Sansa," Tyrion pleaded softly.
"No! What the fuck is going on!" Sansa screamed.
"Hey, be quiet!" Arya screamed back at her hysterical sister.
"Sansa, I can explain," Tyrion stammered, still naked, with his erect penis now pointing squarely at his furious girlfriend.
"No!" Sansa yelled again as her eyes filled with rage and she swiftly turned around and was about to stomp away.
"No! We need to talk!" Arya screamed back and moved after her sister. Sansa couldn't get away. No one else could know about all of this. This had to be dealt with now. Quick like diarrhea, mighty like Tyrion's unyielding erection, Arya caught her sister, grabbed her by the waist, and hoisted her off the ground
"Lemme go!" Sansa shrieked as Arya wrapped her arms around her.
"We need to talk!" Arya countered, using all her strength to lift Sansa off the ground. Arya struggled to stay balanced as her sister thrashed against her. Tyrion looked on in amazement as she carried her sister, literally kicking and screaming, into the bathroom. "Come in here!" She yelled to Tyrion who followed them into the bathroom and was clever enough to close the door behind them.
"What the fuck!" Sansa screamed again, like a confused and angry parrot.
"Just relax," Arya said calmly. "And listen."
"Or what? You won't let me out?" Sansa asked.
"Just listen," Arya repeated.
"I left my rape whistle at home," Sansa angrily spat. "I didn't think I'd need it for Christmas Eve dinner."
"Don't be dramatic," Arya scolded her sister.
"Don't be dramatic!" Sansa screamed and pointed to Tyrion. "Why aren't your pants on?! And why were you giving my sister pills!?"
"Okay," Arya said, trying to keep as calm as possible. "Sansa...do you remember Halloween a few years ago when Gendry kicked in your bathroom door?"
Sansa's gaze on Arya tightened. "No! Arya! I don't remember the Halloween when you were blonde, high on drugs, and Gendry kicked in my door! It wasn't memorable at all!"
"Okay, stupid question," Arya admitted, wanting to ease Sansa down out of hysteria, and not pour any more fuel on the fire. "Anyways, that night, before we came over to your house, we went to a bar. And at this bar we ran into a guy I knew from Harren's Hall – he was a customer I had a memorable experience with."
"Not involving sex," Tyrion added in a tone that indicated it was highly necessary for him to add that detail.
"Wait. It was you?" Sansa asked Tyrion, who nodded.
"Yeah," Arya sighed, "he was just a guy I vaguely knew. Gendry and I sat down with him and his brother and had a round or two."
"You had drinks with Tyrion and Jamie?" Sansa asked Arya as things began to fall into place.
"Yeah, I did. And at some point in the evening, I truthfully do not remember, it was just Tyrion and I...and...we dropped acid together."
"Wait...so...Tyrion gave you acid?"
"Yeah," Arya sighed as one weight was lifted from her shoulders in the form of a secret, and another was added because of the the possibilities of Sansa's reaction.
"Okay..." Sansa nodded, taking in the information better than Arya excepted. She had no idea what life was like dating Tyrion, but it must have been complicated because Sansa was taking the news 'I dropped acid with your boyfriend' totally in stride.
"Yeah, it was the night I found out Shae was pregnant," Tyrion explained with a regretful sigh. Sansa and Tyrion shared a look and Arya knew they had talked about this before. Sansa must had known about that 'blonde' girl that Tyrion gave acid to.
"Anyways, Gendry and I leave the bar, me tripping on acid, and go to your house," Arya further explained. "And you know the rest."
"Why didn't you tell me?" Sansa asked her sister with a glare.
"Well, you kept your boyfriend such a good secret I didn't know about him until my bachelorette party. And then I didn't want to talk about it...and I hoped he had just forgotten about it."
"Really Arya? You didn't think I'd want to know about it?" Sansa asked.
"Hey! I'm telling you now. Maybe I should have earlier, but I didn't want to have this conversation at all."
"And I just found out about Arya earlier tonight," Tyrion said softly. "I would have told you earlier, but I didn't want to talk about my acid trip in front of your mom."
"Okay..." Sansa muttered, seeming to believe them, but then focused again on Tyrion "So, Arya was the blonde girl from Halloween. That actually totally makes sense." Sansa chuckled a bit under her breath, but then looked Tyrion with fury. "What about the pills tonight though?" she asked in a piercing tone. "You promised me!"
"They aren't mine!" Tyrion defended himself with a loud outburst.
"They aren't," Arya agreed with a reluctant sigh, knowing Sansa's next logical question.
"Then whose are they?" her sister asked.
"They belong to Gendry...okay." Arya explained forcefully, hoping it would end the conversation.
"Gendry?" Sansa asked, bucking her head back in surprise.
"Yeah. It's personal," Arya said coldly and her eyes focused on Sansa, instructing her to drop it.
"Oh, okay," Sansa stammered, seeming to catch the drift. They stood for a moment in silence as Sansa tried to make sense of the flurry of new information. Tyrion looked worried about Sansa's reaction but still freakishly 'excited,' and Arya stood awkwardly between them, stuck between Sansa and a hard place.
"Okay...ummm...I'm going to go head downstairs. Hopefully no one heard us yelling, but if they did we'll just say it was some sister stuff between Sansa and I."
"Yeah," Sansa agreed with a nod. No one in their family would want to know about the shouting match. They knew from experience that further discussion of shouting could lead to more shouting.
"Okay, yeah, I'm going too...yeah..." Arya muttered as she walked past Tyrion, made sure there was no touching, and got the fuck out of the most awkward bathroom she had ever been in. That was saying something about the awkwardness, because she once dropped acid and gave a shitty blow job in a public bathroom.
AN:
So, last time I know I promised a lot more, but Thanksgiving and a Hodor sized case of writer's block befell me. But, a lot more is coming in the next chapter.
Thanks again to my reviews, favs, followers, and well-wishers. Means a lot and does spur my creativity.
I really don't have anything else funny to add.
Next time – a lot of stuff happens in – Calm Part 3 (or without mentioning that I'm naked)