CPW: I have a headache, let's just post?
Risbee: That's fine with me, but we should remind people about the golden lemon awards. We are nominated for Best Car Fuck after all.
CPW: Oh yeah, voting ends on the 30th, so rush over to http : / bit . ly / glvote (remove the spaces people!)
Risbee: and CPW is nominated with Flightlessbird11 for best dirty talk for Maybe I'm Falling For You
CPW: And there's that.
Risbee: We don't own Twilight; however CPW just got home from Ribfest and I got home from my husband's high school reunion. Take pity on us. LOL
EPOV
Two days after Thanksgiving break ended, I found myself back in my dorm room, tossing a ball into the air as I lay on top of my bed. Emmett was out, as per usual, with Rosalie and they were doing a piss poor job of hiding the fact that they were dating. I was literally stewing in my own misery and it sucked.
I hadn't seen Bella during the rest of my time in Forks. I was tempted a few times to head over to her parents' house to talk to her, but then I began thinking about everything that had gone down between us and I would get angry again. If I was Bruce Banner, I'd spend all my time transformed into the Hulk and breaking shit. So far, the only thing broken was my heart.
On Saturday night before I was due to head back to school my mother called me down to the living room and proceeded to try and talk some sense into me. "Charlie is driving Bella back to school tomorrow, but don't you think it would be better if you offered?"
"She'll say no."
"How do you know that?"
"I know her, Mom. She may not love me anymore, but I know how stubborn she can be. Why waste both of our time with a stupid phone call that will piss both of us off?"
"And how do you know she doesn't love you, Edward?"
"She just doesn't mom. I saw her on Thursday at the Diner and you didn't, so you can't act like you know something I don't. She didn't… Bella didn't even look at me like she used to. She didn't look happy at all," I admitted remorsefully as my mother sat down beside me on the couch and reached for my hand, trying to be sympathetic.
"What if I did know something that you didn't… would it make a difference?"
"To be honest, the only thing I want right now is an apology and I don't think I am going to get that any time soon. So whatever it is you want to tell me, just keep it to yourself, alright?" I let out a sigh as my mother squeezed my hand tightly. When I looked up, my mother had such a sad look to her face that I felt like crap. I had failed her and I hated it. All she ever really wanted was my happiness, and I had it… and literally threw it away.
"Bella is hurting just as much as you are."
"Then why isn't she talking to me?" I questioned as my voice choked slightly and tears threatened to spill from my eyes.
"She's confused and doesn't know what to do. I know how it feels. I've been there Edward."
"I tried mom, I really did. Sure, I over reacted when we broke up, but every time I've attempted to talk to her, it has been one screw up after another. I'm on the verge of giving up completely." Esme let out a slight gasp as her eyes locked on mine, which were telling her that I was serious about it all.
"Don't give up."
"I think it's just not the right time for us. Maybe in a few years, when we've both matured, we can try again or something. But right now, I don't think it's good for either of us to be together. Even though I really hate to say it, I think we were just better off as friends." Okay, so it really hurt to say that, especially considering I didn't actually believe it, but after spending my entire Thanksgiving break basically ignoring my family and hiding away in my room, , I decided I needed to do something… anything.
So on Sunday morning I drove back to school with just Emmett, and I saw Chief Swan drop Bella off at school a little later in the day as I was crossing the quad to go to the school store. I felt like shit as I watched her walk up with her head down as she gave him a hug before he got back into her mom's Toyota and drove away. She looked so alone as she went into the dorms and I was tempted to go help her with her bags before I realized that she would probably yell at me for interfering in her independence. Instead, I continued on my way and did my best not to think about her as I went to pick up a book my history of film teacher emailed to us would be a great resource for the rest of the semester.
Of course, a hell of a lot happened in the time I was in the store, which was why I was lying on my bed, tossing the ball and wishing like hell that Emmett would come back. When seven o'clock rolled around, I was relieved when he walked in the door since I was both hungry and confused.
"You wanna go to the HUB for dinner?" he asked as he grabbed his jacket from his closet and looked at me impatiently.
"I need your help."
"Can I provide this help over dinner, because I'm really fucking starving? Rosalie and I worked up an appetite," Emmett said with a wink as I fought the urge to throw up.
"You guys are doing a shitty job of hiding this relationship."
"I know, but I can't resist her man. It's like… it's like I'm a fat kid and she's an all you can eat buffet. Take that anyway you want to by the way."
"Ok, enough." I pulled my jacket off of the back of my desk chair and followed him out the door. As we walked to the HUB, I opened up to Emmett about everything that had happened at thebookstore a few hours earlier.
When I walked into the store, I head for the film section, immediately looking for the book in question. If I was being honest, I just wanted to get in and out. The quicker I was out of the store with the book, the happier I would be.
Unfortunately for me, they appeared to be all out, so I headed to the main desk to inquire if they had any elsewhere, and that was when I met her. "Hi there, can I help you find something?" she asked sweetly, her voice sounding very delicate.
"Yeah, I'm looking for A History of Narrative Film by David A. Cook. I checked the shelves, but came up empty handed."
"Well, that's a shame. Let's see what we can do for you." Lucy, as her nametag informed me, began typing away furiously on her computer her face contorting with confusion as she pushed some of her fair hair behind her ear. "So, it says on our system that I have a few copies left. Are you sure they aren't on the shelves?"
"Well, I have had a rough weekend, it's very possible I missed them," I said with a sigh, even though I didn't think I had missed anything. I looked, three times in fact, and found nothing by David A. Cook.
"Follow me, let's go check it out," Lucy said as she stood from her seat and I was surprised to see how tall she was. Bella was short, like 5'4", but Lucy was much closer to my height and stood just a bit under my 6'2". I followed her as she walked from behind the counter and led me back to the area I had just come from. "Cook right?" I nodded. "I have another Cooks here in film studies, but not him. Come with me, let's go check inventory."
I let out a sigh, feeling a bit frustrated that we couldn't find the damn book because I would have just ordered it from Barnes and Noble online if I knew it was going to be such a hassle. "So, I'm Lucy, by the way," she said genuinely as she pushed open the back doors to the store and we stepped into the stock room.
"Yeah, I noticed… on your name tag."
"Yeah, but you clearly don't have a nametag, so do I get to guess your name?"
"I'm Edward."
"It's nice to meet you, Edward. I didn't peg you for a film student if I am being honest. Are you picking this up for your girlfriend?"
"Uh… no. I don't have a girlfriend." I hesitated for a moment as I said it, because it stung a little bit more than I expected it to. Then again, it was the truth. "You have me curious as to what you thought my major was."
"You look like one of those cute medical students or something." I snorted loudly as Lucy raised her eye brows at me in confusion.
"Oh sorry, my father is a doctor so it's funny you mentioned medicine. I'm also a freshman, so you have my age wrong too."
"Damn, and here I thought you were some sort of Doogie Howser type." Lucy stared at me a beat longer than necessary as we stopped in front of a large box from the publishing firm who issued the book I was looking for. We both bent down at the same time as Lucy then pulled the box open and we began to sort through it.
My eyes lit up excitedly when I saw the cover I was looking for and Lucy and I both reached down at the same time, my hand covering hers roughly as I grasped both the book and her. She gasped softly and turned her face to mine, staring at me intently. "Do you want to go have dinner?" Lucy asked, surprising both of us.
"Uh… tonight?"
"No… well… soon, but not necessarily tonight. I have to work until eight. You can tell me more about being a freshman film student and I can tell you about being a psychology major, or we can talk about anything other than school. It's your call," she stammered, and I could tell Lucy was nervous and it was a bit endearing. "Or you can say no and crush me."
Lucy and I both laughed softly at her comment as I stood up and she handed me the book. I stared at it for what seemed like forever before finally responding to her. "How about Thursday night? Do you work then?"
"No, I'm off Thursday. It sounds good. I live off campus… are you in the dorms?"
"Yeah, but uh… how about I meet you somewhere?" Suddenly, the date didn't seem like such a good idea. It would probably hurt Bella's feelings to know I was going out with someone else and if she saw us together at the dorm, it would be even worse. But the look on Lucy's face was one of pure excitement, so even though I had just met her, I couldn't just reject her. I'd go on one date and that would be it. Even if I liked her, I knew my heart belonged to Bella and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her. Well… hurt her more than I already had.
"Give me your phone," Lucy said as she extended her hand. "I'll put my number in, and you can call me when you know what time and where you want to meet. Does that work for you, Edward?"
"Yeah… sure. I'll probably call you tomorrow or something, alright?"
"Perfect. Now let's go ring in your purchase." I followed Lucy back to the front of the store and she processed my sale with a huge grin on her face before waving sweetly as I walked out, eight bucks lighter and feeling like shit.
"Why the hell would I accept a date from another girl when I was hung up on Bella?"
"You wanna know why, jackass?" Emmett questioned me after we found seats at the HUB and began to eat the sandwiches we got from Subway. "Simple, it's because you want Bella to hurt the same way you did when you thought she was hooking up with Liam."
"This isn't some sort of revenge date or whatever you think it is. Lucy was nice and asked me out. She was pretty, smart and I am attracted to her. I want to go out with her."
"No, you want to go out with Bella, but you're settling for Lucy." I took a huge bite of my sandwich as Emmett stared me down. "All during the car ride back here, you talked only about your parents meddling in your relationship, how you saw Bella and the diner and how you wanted to see more of her. That doesn't sound to me like a guy who is ready to date."
"But I am… I have to be."
"It's only been a month Edward. You spent years fawning over Bella while hiding your love for her. That shit doesn't just go away overnight."
"Thanks, I think I know that," I replied with a sigh as Emmett groaned, knowing full well I wasn't agreeing with him. "I still have feelings for her. Fuck, I will probably always have feelings for her, but I can't let it rule my life. I can't sit around and feel sorry for myself. I need to move on and Lucy is the first step to doing that."
"This whole thing is going to backfire in your face, Edward. I can feel it."
I steered Emmett onto a whole new conversation about the Seahawks and their season, something I knew he was very interested in, as we continued eating. Of course, I didn't listen to a word of his rant as I was busy focusing on the fucked up situation I had found myself in. Why did I accept the date? Why couldn't I just talk to Bella and sort everything out? When we were best friends we could talk to each other about virtually everything, there were some things that were sacred after all, but at least we talked. All I wanted was the chance to speak to her and see for sure that we were over.
And I was about to get the chance.
"Um… dude," Emmett said with a mouthful of his cold cut combo. "Bella's here with Rosalie. Oh shit, and they are coming right towards us. Try to look like you didn't just make a date with some hot blonde girl." I brushed my hands over my face and groaned, feeling worse because that was exactly what I had done.
"Hey boys, I'm surprised to see you out so late," Rosalie said as she winked at Emmett and Bella just stood nervously, her eyes darting back and forth between Emmett and me.
"Well, I worked up an appetite this afternoon," Emmett replied as I fought the urge to shove my fingers down my throat and puke. "How was your thanksgiving, Rosalie? Did you have a nice time?"
"Oh shut up with the asinine chit chat. You guys don't have to pretend in front of Edward and me, because we already know you guys are the worst liars on the face of the earth. Can we just get our Chinese and go, Rose?" Bella replied, her voice sounding rough and tired.
"Uh… before you go, can we talk for a few minutes?" I asked as Bella perked up a little bit and nodded her head.
However, God apparently hated my guts because at that exact moment, as I stood up from my seat, Lucy showed up, bouncing happily as she stopped in front of me. "Hey… I just wanted to say that I'm looking forward to our date on Thursday night. Call me." Then she walked away as I closed my eyes and prayed that that hadn't just happened.
When I opened my eyes again, only seconds later, Bella was already darting out of the HUB, her loud sobs filling the air. "What the fuck have you done now, Cullen?" Rosalie shouted at me as she put her hands on her hips and looked down on me with pure fury in her eyes. "I finally got that girl to stop crying after her horrific Thanksgiving, and you make plans to go out on a date with someone else and then rub it in her face."
"I didn't mean to… I mean… I wanted to ask her… fuck!"
"You most certainly are fucked. Emmett, get us some Chinese for dinner and bring it back to my room. I'm gonna go find Bella and hopefully she won't be crying like a mad woman again." Rosalie narrowed her eyes at me and then turned on her heel and ran out of the HUB, desperate to find Bella.
"Well, I guess you have your answer about how Bella feels about your date huh?"
Thursday Night, as I sat at a small diner near Pike's Market, I felt like I was going to be sick. I had texted Lucy on Monday afternoon and suggested this place, far away from campus, and she seemed just as excited as before. Unfortunately, I was not.
Rosalie told me on Monday that she spent the night with Bella and Siobhan, both girls consoling Bella who was shocked I had decided to go on a date with someone else so early after our breakup. Rosalie kept telling me that Bella wasn't over me, and though I insisted to Rose that it was Bella's fault that we weren't talking, I knew I was to blame too. I could have chased after her on Sunday night after the Lucy debacle, but I didn't.
"Have you been waiting long?" Lucy inquired with a sense of excitement as she sat down across from me, a huge smile covering her face. It was interesting to see how different she looked in comparison to how she was at work. Though she still looked attractive, her hair was pulled up tightly into an ugly up do thing and she had way too much makeup on. I felt like she was trying to impress me, and failing miserably.
"Just a few minutes. I wasn't sure how traffic was going to be, so I left campus a bit early to be safe."
"Well, wasn't that sweet of you. I like a guy who is on time." I glanced at my watch and noticed she was five minutes late. Odd that she couldn't extend me the same courtesy. "Interesting choice of restaurant. I've never been here and I've lived in Seattle for four years."
"Oh, so you're a senior?"
"Uh no… I'm a junior, but I had a rough go of it my first year."
"Really?" I inquired, actually interested in what she had to say, as our waitress appeared and took our drink order. I watched her pale blue eyes as she examined the menu and had a pang of regret as I realized how much I missed looking into Bella' soulful brown eyes all the time. She had gorgeous eyes, the perfect shape and color and when I looked at her, I felt like I could see forever with. Hell, until a month ago, I did see forever with her.
"Yeah, I was dating this guy and things just sorta got out of hand," she said as she closed the menu and then clasped her hands in front of her. "Things were just messy and they got a bit ugly. There may have been restraining orders and charges filed."
"You had to issue a restraining order against him? What on earth did he do?" I asked, not hiding the shock in my voice.
"Actually, it was the other way around. He pressed charges against me for vandalism and breaking and entering. Then when I tried to talk to him about his accusations, he filed the restraining order. It's still in effect oddly enough, but he moved from Seattle and went to Yale instead."
"Wow, from UW to Yale, there's a big move."
"Well, his family is from the East Coast and he got a job offer teaching at Yale, so it made sense, you know? Plus, his wife was all over him to leave Seattle and get away from me, the stupid bitch." My mouth dropped open in complete surprise. Lucy had dated one of her professors, who filed charges and a restraining order against her, and he was married. What in the fuck was going on? "I swear things are all normal now though. I have one more year of community service to do, but then it's all done."
"Oh… okay then."
Our waitress came back shortly after Lucy's big bombshell was dropped and took our order. The rest of the date went… well, it went pretty much like I expected it to once I found out who she really was. Lucy talked all through dinner, venting to me about her past liaison with her former abnormal psych professor or complaining about her family disowning her back when all the drama went down. I had to admit, I couldn't blame them really.
When dinner was over, I honestly couldn't wait to get the hell away from her. However, Lucy had other plans. As we stood in the parking lot of the diner, saying our good nights, she tried her best to not be… well… crazy. "Why don't you come over for a drink?"
"I don't drink. I'm eighteen remember?"
"I can make hot cocoa."
"I actually have an early class in the morning, so I think it would be best if I headed home."
Suddenly Lucy stalked towards me as I reached my car and as I turned around, she pressed her hands against the roof on either side of my head, holding me in place around her. "You know, I've never done it in a Volvo."
"I'm shocked," I said sarcastically as I clenched my teeth. If I was having sex with anyone in my car, it was going to be Bella. Of course, in my head I was also assuming Lucy had fucked someone in virtually every make and model of car, SUV and light truck known to man. "So… dinner was nice."
"Are you sure I can't convince you to come over. I'm only a few blocks from here," Lucy said suggestively a she trailed her finger down the chest of my coat and I thanked god that the jacket was heavy enough that I couldn't feel it. "I have toys."
"Like board games or Mr. Potato Head?"
"No Edward, like vibrators, paddles and sex swings. Don't act like you aren't interested… all men are, baby. Sure, my court-ordered sex therapist wouldn't approve, but you are so fucking gorgeous, Edward. I'll deal with the repercussions."
"Okay, this was fun and all but I really need to go," I stammered in embarrassment and confusion as I pushed Lucy out of the way and shoved my key into the lock as I tried to open the door.
"Edward… come on… I can make all your dreams come true. I'll barely spank you with the paddle, if you're worried."
"Uh no. No paddles, no sex and definitely no more Lucy. This was interesting and all, and good luck with your community service and sex therapy, but I … I love someone else and this was just so fucking stupid."
Without another word, I got into the car, quickly locking the doors and sped off into the night, feeling violated just from her words alone. This awkward silence thing between Bella and I needed to end… now!
BPOV
I felt numb. I felt completely, utterly and totally numb. I felt worse than numb actually, but couldn't think of the right words to describe it.
Edward was going on a date.
You know what? Forget numb. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, kicked in the throat and run over by an eighteen-wheeler followed by a steam-roller. I couldn't wrap my head around it at all. I mean, I knew we were broken up and if he wanted to date other people, then that was his choice, but I just couldn't imagine him seeing somebody else, much less seeing someone so fucking soon.
Well, I guess that answered my question about whether or not he missed me too. To think, I'd spent days trying to figure out how to work things out with him and here he wastes no time. The joke was on me this entire time, too bad I can't get these past however many days back.
Unlike my trip from UW to Forks with Renee, the ride from Forks to UW with Charlie was silent. He dialed the radio to NPR and we listened to the soothing droning of somebody… did they even have names? I couldn't tell you. I just knew it wasn't Delilah and for that I was thankful. Though speaking of Delilah, I did get find it hilarious that she played an Avril Lavigne song – yeah, take that you punk chick wannabe. You're on fucking Delilah. Snort.
I wasn't exaggerating when I said that the trip with Charlie was silent. We maybe exchanged ten words, fifteen at the most, but I honestly didn't expect any different. With all the yammering and scheming Renee had done over the past week, I think we were both happy to get away from the chaos. And this way Renee and Esme could get together and talk about the 'Edward and Bella situation' because really, we both knew it was inevitable. At one point on Thanksgiving Day, I found Renee huddled in the downstairs coat closet talking on the phone, though she claimed she was looking for the cranberry sauce and got lost. Uh huh, right. I don't know about you, but I confused the pantry and the closet all the time… especially when I had my phone in my hand.
For three hours I got to think and figure out what I wanted to do, and first on my list was talking to Edward. I missed him. A lot. Even if we decided that we weren't meant to be together in a romantic relationship, I missed being able to talk to him as my friend. I was pretty certain that we'd never get back to where we were before, well before London I guess, but I was willing to take what I could get.
There were so many times that I wanted to call him while we were home, so many times I wanted to get in Renee's car and drive over to his house. Okay, so I may have driven by the Cullen's house whenever I had the opportunity, but I never stopped and got out of the car. Not out of desire, but because I was absolute chicken shit.
At the diner, when we made eye contact, it felt so good. So right and so normal, then of course Jessica had to rub herself all over him and open her mouth. Hearing him explain our situation to her had stung and when even she acknowledged that we were meant to be together, it was like pouring salt in my wounds. I couldn't stay and listen to it anymore and as much as I wanted to pull her off of him and kiss him until we were both gasping for air, I knew that wasn't an option, so I left.
Thanksgiving dinner sucked.
We pulled up to the dorms and I told Charlie he didn't even have to get out of the car. I mean, I was hardly home for a week and I'd be back in a few more for Christmas. I was pretty sure I could handle my few bags, you know, since I was all independent and shit.
I was beginning to hate that word.
After getting my things out of the trunk, I walked around to the driver's side of the car to give Charlie a big hug. I laughed when his moustache tickled my ear and wished him good luck with Renee, promising him relief the next time I was home.
"I'll be home in a few weeks, Dad. Get her involved with something to keep her busy – get her to wrap presents at the Assisted Living center or something. Oooh, tangle up all the Christmas ribbon in the bin in the closet. That will keep her occupied for a few days at least." I couldn't help but laugh at the vision of Renee playing with a big ball of tangled ribbon, like a cat. Sweet jeebus, I needed some sleep or food or something. I was losing my mind.
"Don't you worry about me little girl, I've been around a few blocks with your mom and I have some tricks up my sleeve. We'll be just fine. You just take care of yourself and don't worry too much. Get through those exams and be happy."
Be happy… I wasn't sure I knew what that was anymore, but I wanted to find out.
Before he could see the tears I was trying to keep from spilling over, I nodded and kissed his forehead. I pulled myself back out of the window and picked up my bags, hitting the top of the car and walking towards the door to the dorm. I needed to get to my room and regroup and figure out my strategy. I was determined to fix this situation, because it sucked and I was tired of it.
When I got to my room, I saw a piece of paper taped to the door and my heart skipped a few beats hoping that maybe… just maybe, it was from Edward. Instead, it was from Liam asking if I wanted to meet for coffee and talk. Talk about disappointment. Part of me wanted to rip the whole thing in itty bitty tiny pieces and burn it in the sink, but then I thought better of it considering UW probably frowned upon having fires in their bathrooms. Besides, I didn't need to project my problems on him since he wasn't in the relationship. I needed to get beyond it so I just rolled my eyes and refocused on getting things right in my world, and by world, I meant Edward.
The first thing I saw after I closed the door to my room was the box of Edward's stuff under my bed. Maybe I was a glutton for punishment or maybe I was truly sick in the head, but for whatever reason, I thought now would be a good time to go through it and start weeding out what I wanted to keep, what I wanted to toss and what I wanted to give back.
Keep.
Keep.
Keep.
Toss… no… keep.
Keep.
Keep.
By this point the tears were flowing, but I was smiling, thinking about all the memories we shared and all the good times we had. I rubbed at my hip where my tattoo was and smiled again, since there was a little piece of him always with me. The tattoo had healed up nicely and I managed to keep it hidden over the break, so I was more than a little excited about it.
Renee knew nothing about it and other than me and the tattoo artist, Angela was still the only other person who had seen it. Siobhan had been busy with schoolwork and keeping odd hours, so even she didn't know about it. Although Edward knew about it he still hadn't seen it, so it was like my secret, my permanent link to him that nobody could ever take away. A little something that I could never sort into a pile, that I could never give back to him to keep, and would always remind me of him.
I snorted to myself when I looked down and saw that I had sorted the pile of his stuff into…yup, just one pile. Yeah, not the most productive project ever but it just reaffirmed my decision to try and work things out.
Without even realizing what I was doing, I found myself holding his Forks baseball shirt up to my chest. Give this back? Hell no, it was mine forever. I pulled off my sweater and pulled the shirt on, the soft worn material caressing my skin and feeling like an old familiar friend. I pulled it up at the neck and smelled it and even though it has been with me for years, there was still a hint of Edward. I couldn't describe it, but it still smelled like grass and leather and Edward.
I missed him. Dear sweet lord, I missed him so much.
A fresh round of tears racked through my body and I curled up fetal on my bed, the movement of my body as I sobbed caused all the things from the piles on my bed to slowly cave in until I was literally immersed in my memories, and that's where Rosalie found me.
"Shhhhh. Bella, take some deep breaths. This isn't healthy."
I looked over at her, not caring at all that my nose was running, my face was splotchy and my bedroom looked like I needed to be on an episode of Hoarders. Who was she to tell me what was and wasn't healthy 'Miss I'm secretly dating one of my students."
"How did you get in here?" I knew good and well that I had locked the door behind me so that I'd have some warning before Siobhan came in. I didn't want her to catch me upset. Again.
"I have a key to all the rooms on the hall. You know, to check for alcohol and pot and shit. Because I'm such a rules girl you know."
"Riiight, and that's why you're fucking Emmett." I don't know why I was mad at her, but I was. She had her relationship in check and me… well I couldn't even wear a t-shirt without becoming hysterical. But what she and Emmett had… Damn, now thinking of Emmett reminded me about Edward and the tears came again.
"We'll discuss my relationship issues later but for now, you have to calm down, Bella. The girls next door called me when they heard your caterwauling. They thought a wolverine or monkey or something had been trapped in here over break. Now, dry your eyes, wash your face and take a shower. Get yourself cleaned up and come find me when you're done. We're going to go grab some food and you're going to spill it."
"I don't want to go ge…"
"Right now, I don't care what you want. I'm hungry and I'm your RA and you have to do what I say. You have no choice." She stuck her tongue out at me and walked out the door and I may or may not have flipped her off when her back was turned. Okay, so I did but I also knew she was right. I couldn't spend the rest of the semester wallowing in my misery, not if I wanted to make an effort to fix things.
And I wanted to fix them. I did, I did, I did.
I quickly cleaned up the mess from my bed and put the Forks t-shirt in my drawer to wear later. It was step in the right direction, because I knew couldn't hide from my issues any longer and I had to start facing them head on. Putting everything back in that box wasn't doing anything but getting them out of sight. They'd still be there until I decided what to do with them.
Admittedly, the shower felt fantastic and I grumbled a little bit more knowing that Rosalie was right. Siobhan still wasn't back yet from being away with one of my classmates at her parents place for the holiday, so after I showered I threw on some jeans and a cute top. The shirt had been part of Renee's hopeless attempt to bribe me with in an effort t get me to ride back to school with Edward. Obviously, I came back to campus with Charlie, but I took the shirt anyway.
I took the time to fix my hair and I even put on a little bit of make-up just in case we ran into the boys somewhere. At least, I hoped we would. Once I was satisfied with my appearance, I scribbled a note for Siobhan letting her know where we were going on and that she could text me if she wanted me to bring her some food. I was feeling a bit generous and lord knows I owed her for everything she had done for me lately. The girl was crazy, but she was a good soul. Huh, I seemed to have lots of people like that in my life. Renee… Angela… Nettie… Siobhan… I wonder what that says about me.
Rosalie was waiting for me in the lobby and nodded approvingly when I came into view.
"Much better. You don't look like death and you're not wailing like a banshee."
You know, honestly I was getting a little fed up with everybody criticizing how I cried. Who looks good when they're upset? Really? I was just getting ready to say something about it too when she continued.
"So… a little birdie filled me in on where Emmett and Edward are right now." She paused and looked at me for a second, almost as if she was waiting for me to object. When I didn't, the smile on her face reminded me of Mr. Burns and I almost expected her to tap her finger tips together and bust out with an 'excelllent'. "Based on how you look, I'm assuming that you wouldn't mind if we just happened to run into them. I was going to suggest eating somewhere off campus, but suddenly I'm in the mood for the HUB. Huh, never thought I'd ever say that."
I should have objected.
I should have turned around when I saw Edward and Emmett having what appeared to be a serious discussion and the panicked look on Emmett's face as we neared their table.
I should have been suspicious when Emmett and Rosalie put on their pathetic attempt at being surprised to see each other. Their innuendos made me a little bit nauseous and I didn't ever need to hear anything about Emmett working up an appetite.
"Oh shut up with the asinine chit chat. You guys don't have to pretend in front of Edward and me, because we already know you guys are the worst liars on the face of the earth. Can we just get our Chinese and go, Rose?" I was really starting to feel uncomfortable and suddenly I had this incredible urge to leave. It was getting harder to breathe and it felt like my bra was too tight.
I should have paid attention to the red flags that started waving frantically in front of my face when Edward asked if we could talk for a few minutes. Instead, I falsely assumed that maybe he wanted to try and work things out. God, I was such a dumbass.
If only I had trusted my instinct and gotten out of there, maybe just maybe I would have been prepared for the shock of my life when this cute girl who looked way too put together… and older… announced that she was looking forward to their date.
I just wanted the floor to open up and swallow me whole, because I couldn't imagine feeling any worse than I did at that moment. I felt utterly destroyed.
Did Rosalie and Emmett know about it too? Was this a big joke on their part? I know I fucked up and screwed over Edward, but was this just one evil way of getting back at me and making me feel worse, because if so, then mission accomplished.
I had to get out of there and I didn't want any explanation from anybody. I took off running and didn't look back when I heard Rosalie yelling my name outside. I didn't look back when I knocked over some poor girl saying goodbye to her parents at the dorm, though I did apologize as I passed them. I didn't stop until I was on my bed and under my covers.
Then I did the unthinkable. I called Liam and I accepted his invitation for coffee.
If Edward was ready to move on, then there was obviously no reason for me to expect him to come knocking on my door trying to get back together, right? I didn't particularly want to go anywhere with Liam, but who else was there? Emmett? Rosalie… though I'm sure Emmett wouldn't mind? But, just no.
I wasn't exactly the type to ask a random guy out and it wasn't like I had them beating down my door to get to me to begin with. Besides, I was hardly in the mood to be all romantic and shit with another guy. I wanted Edward. He just didn't want me back. I just needed somebody to be my friend and while Liam was definitely not my first choice, at this point I felt like he was my only choice.
"I have to admit that I'm a little shocked that you called me, Bella. Happy, but shocked." Liam held the door open for me on Thursday night as we walked inside Thai Tom. Thankfully he hadn't eaten dinner yet and was more than willing to meet me when I said that while coffee was fine, I was starving and would rather get away from campus for a bit.
"Well, you know. I ate all this food at Thanksgiving and I'm just not ready to go back to existing on Oodles of Noodles and HUB food just yet, ya know? Besides, there's going to come a time when I can't afford to eat like this." I tried to joke, but it hurt to smile. Still, it wasn't fair to him for me to be in a bitchy mood.
"You've got quite a ways to go before you have to start worrying about anything like that. You're a beautiful girl, Bella. Inside and especially out." He walked passed me to pull out my chair and… did he just brush up against my ass on purpose? I looked at him for a second, but he was already moving around to the other side of the table. I decided that it was accidental, so I relaxed a little bit.
"Well, I meant when I was on my own and had my own bills, after we graduate and can't call up our parents to tell them we need money."
"That's a concern for you, really? I don't give money a second thought and you shouldn't either. If you need anything, just let me know. I'll give you anything you need."
Um, okay. This was just a little bit creepy, but Liam had always been one to be a little on the eh-side, so again I just gave him the benefit of the doubt. We'd finish our dinner, I'd use him as a distraction and then I'd be home to lick my wounds and consider transferring to a different University across the country. That was doable, right?
I picked up the menu to look it over, though I always ordered the same thing, Pad Se Ew with Chicken. It was the only Thai food I ate and Edward always made fun of me and said I was missing out on life because I was scared to try new things.
Yeah, well look at me now, asshole. Try this.
The waitress came over to take our drink orders and when Liam made the comment that his side of the table was sticky, he asked if we could move to the booth over by the windows. There was no ass touching this time, but I did find it a little creepy that when he returned from washing his hands, he gestured for me to slide over and sat on the same side of the booth as me. Who does that?
It had to be for convenience, or at least that's what I was telling myself, but the red flags were starting to pile up a bit.
Maybe we had to share a bowl of rice or something.
You know yours has noodles and you don't need rice.
His thigh is touching me.
Ewwwwww.
I slid over until my ass was halfway between the wall and the booth. I couldn't have been more obvious if I tried. My body language was literally screaming 'back off' and yet Liam was messing with his napkin, seemingly oblivious to his actions. Maybe he was just that way with everybody and I'd never noticed since we'd never been alone before.
You liar. You were alone Halloween night.
Yeah, for two minutes and let's not bring that night up again, 'kay. I'm already miserable enough without being reminded me of what I was missing. Just shut the fuck up and let me get through this, then we'll have a big ol' pow-wow and you can tell me where I went wrong and what I should have done instead.
Deal.
Our food finally arrived and for the next few minutes, I actually managed to enjoy myself a little. Liam told me he talked to Randall over break and there was talk of us all meeting somewhere over the summer for a mini-reunion of sorts. I relished the idea of any reason not to go back home over the summer and risking awkwardness that was sure to surround Forks and my family, so I lost myself in the idea and made my fatal mistake.
"So you don't think Edward would have any problem with you going away for the weekend to meet up with your friends? I know how he doesn't like any of us."
"Edward's not an issue considering how he's going on a date with somebody else."
Fuck. Why did I say that?
"Oh, really?" Liam's voice dropped what seemed like an octave and when I looked over he was making this face that almost made him looking like he was in pain or possibly having an allergic reaction to his food.
"Are you okay?" I started looking around frantically trying to grab the attention of our waitress because somebody was going to have to call 911. I was praying to every god and deity possible that I wouldn't have to do CPR until the medics arrived.
"I've never been better actually, and if you play your cards right, we can both have a night to remember Bella." Then he leaned over and did the unthinkable… he motherfucking sniffed me.
I tried to steady my breath but with each second I spent with Liam, I found myself more and more uncomfortable. Our waitress came after we had finished dinner and took our plates, asking if we were interested in dessert.
"No, thanks," Liam said stoically as I narrowed my eyes at him. Of course I wanted dessert. Bella Swan had never turned down a dessert in her life and I wasn't about to start now. Just as I opened my mouth to say something though, Liam had turned and had pressed his lips hard against mine.
Holy mother of fuck… just… no!
I pushed against him and tried to get his thin lips off of my mouth just as his hand slide against my thigh and was moving between my legs, rubbing higher and higher towards the promise land.
Oh. My. God.
That was it. I thought back to every self-defense move Charlie Swan ever thought to teach me and every girl-power mantra that Renee ever subjected me to. Every maneuver I learned when my two best friends growing up were two stinky boys.
I pushed back against him again with all my might and he fell off the edge of the bench seat and onto the floor of the restaurant as all the patrons began looking at us. As I slid off the bench, he stood up and then I did something that felt really wonderful - I punched Liam.
Hard.
Often.
A few times in the jaw and the gut and then finally once in the nose, until I heard the tell-tale crack.
I left him crying, cursing and screaming about how he would need to get reconstructive surgery on his nose thanks to Edward and I both punching him there. However, all I did was smile from ear to ear.
I apologized to the waitress, left her enough money to cover the entire bill and walked out the door.
Fuck my life. Edward was right all along.
I walked out of the restaurant in a huff. It was cold and I was miserable, so I figured why not prolong the night and walk back to the dorm. I sure as hell wasn't going to ask Liam for a ride, in fact I was kinda hoping that his face was so swollen that he wouldn't be able to drive. That would serve him right for sticking his nose, his lips and his hands in places they most definitely did not belong.
Fuck him for pretending to be my friend.
Fuck him for causing all this shit in the first place.
Fuck him for making me trust him.
And fuck me… I had to tell Edward he was right. As much as I hated it, as much as I dreaded it, it had to be done.
The walk back to Mercer Hall never went faster. I swear it was like time travel, but without the Delorian and plutonium.
I got to his door and stood there for what seemed like forever, but was probably only a few minutes, trying to come up with some way to both eat crow and save face. I didn't want him to think it was some pathetic attempt to keep him from going on his date, but I wanted him to know that I was willing to acknowledge my mistake. He had made it perfectly clear that he was prepared to move on, but the only way I was able to do it was to get this closure. It was time to put on my big girl panties on and man up.
The knock didn't happen though. What if he had that girl in his room with him? I didn't hear any noise, but I also knew that he was capable of being quiet when necessary. Instead I unclipped the dry erase marker from the board and wrote a simple message on his door.
"You were right. I was wrong. I am sorry." Then I walked away.
Halfway down the hall I turned around and went back, wiping my message and any sign of my existence from his door. I couldn't do it, not yet, and certainly not via a dry erase board on his door.
He deserved better than that. Hell, he deserved better than me.
The days quickly turned into weeks and before I knew it, December was almost halfway done. Everyone around campus was excited about Christmas break, but I was stewing in self loathing. I had seen Edward a few times around campus and even tried to visit his room twice, but he was never there. Though on one visit Emmett told me in confidence that Edward only went out on one date with the girl we saw and then rebuffed her. I felt somewhat buoyed by this and after my class on Wednesday afternoon, I finally gathered enough courage to go talk to him. I wanted to sit down and hash out all of our issues and let Edward know that he was right, even if I felt like a complete idiot in the process.
As I walked up to his door, I was surprised to see is wide open as Emmett tried to talk to him, but Edward was frantic. "Listen, your parents said to stay here and they would call and let you know what was going on. There's no reason to get too bent out of shape."
"Too bent out of shape? Fuck you Emmett. You would do the same thing if you were in my shoes, so don't start with me. I'm going back to Forks right now."
Edward and Emmett both froze and looked at me standing in the doorway. "Uh… hi."
"Hi," Emmett said solemnly as Edward bent his head back down and continued to shove some jeans and sweaters into his bag.
"What's uh… what's going on here?"
"Edward is heading home."
"Are you dropping out?" I asked, my voice ripe with fear. It would really be karma if I finally showed up to talk to him, only to have him be leaving school forever.
"No. Alice was hurt in an accident. I'm going home. My family needs me."
I moved forward and reached out to Edward, my hand covering his and making him still completely. His entire body was tense, but I could feel him relaxing under my touch, which soothed both of us. It also gave me a small bit of hope, because I could sense that our electricity was still there… the current that always drew us to one another.
"His parents said to stay here, but he won't listen to reason. He's worried and not really in any shape to drive." I nodded at Emmett, who was gravely concerned for his friend and I did the only thing I could think to help both of them.
"I'm going with you, Edward."