AN: I dedicate this chapter to my dad.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Focus. I learned quickly that if I didn't want the pain to start creeping in I had to focus on something. I left my audience from my father's funeral and immediately went upstairs to get on the phone to start making calls. I had two full days to put together one hell of a performance. Focus, Bella.
"Heeeyyy…B." A very surprised Justin answered after two rings.
"Justin, I need you. I need a really big favor." I started without so much as greeting.
"Uh…well I'm sorry I couldn't make it today. I heard. I'm…so sorry, Bella." Justin sounded sincere.
"Don't." I stopped him from going further on that sentiment. "I appreciate it."
"Did you get the flowers? I sent you flowers, well to you and your family." He interrupted.
"Uh…yeah. They're beautiful. Thanks." I had no idea which flowers he sent. Our house looked like a florist shop and I started to hate it. Seeing the flowers reminded me of why they were sent. The smell reminded me of the indoor mausoleum where my sister was interned and it would make my stomach turn. I would need to get rid of the flowers soon.
"Look, I know that this is horribly last-minute but I really need a huge favor. I was asked to perform at the Grammy awards and well I have decided to change the direction of my performance. I wrote a piece of music and I know you can play piano. Could you do this for me? I would, but I really don't know if I could focus enough to play the piano and sing."
"Bella, why are you doing this? You just lost your father. I'm sure that AEG will understand, I think you need some time…"
"Can you do it or not?" I snapped. "Look, if you don't want to, I'll ask someone else but I need to do this. I don't expect anyone to understand but I thought that maybe you would help me out. Obviously I was wrong." I started to hang up the phone but he called after me.
"B. Yes of course I'll do it. I owe you that much. I'm in Vegas but I'll fly back tomorrow and then we can go over your music." Justin affirmed.
"Thanks. Truly." I whispered.
"No prob. See you tomorrow morning at your house." He hung up and I exhaled. I hated that I went off on him a little but I needed to stay focused and anyone who wasn't going to help me, needed to stay the hell out of my way.
The next person I needed was Marcus.
I fired off an email to him because I couldn't bear to deal with him if he felt the need to educate me on my fathers' loss as well.
Marcus,
Sorry I'm cutting this close but I really need your help. You did a fall fashion show last year where you showed that Avant garde black dress. The full one. I know I can't possibly fit in it but do you think you could tailor it for me for the Grammy's come Sunday. I have decided to do the show and no, I don't want to hear anything about it. Please just let me know, yes or no. I owe you big with this one. Please let me know.
Bella
I was pacing about in Edward's and my bedroom and about finished typing up my email on my iPhone when Edward walked in.
"We need to talk."
I held up my finger silently asking him to wait, wanting to finish my thought before he started in on me. I hit send and looked up.
"What is it?" I replied clipped.
"Bella, I don't think this is a good idea. There is no reason why you should even be contemplating this right now."
"I have a very good reason why I need to do this. I appreciate your concern but I'm fine." I walked over to the closet and started to change out of my modest black dress. I was about to hang it up when it occurred to me that I never wanted to wear it again. The memories from it being too great. I threw it at the trash which was right next to Edward.
"Sorry, I wasn't throwing that at you. I meant to hit the trash." I pulled my leggings off and started to slip into some yoga pants and a comfy t-shirt. Edward reached down and picked up my discarded dress and held it in his hand.
"Could you please get rid of that for me?" I asked.
He looked down at it and sighed before dropping it into the trash can. "Honey, I think…you need to take some time off."
"I'm fine." I insisted.
"No. You're not. I know you and no matter how many times you tell me you are fine. I know better. You can't lie to me. You are not thinking clearly and I am telling you; you are not going to do the Grammy's." he contended.
I pulled the shirt over my head, gave him a good stare and then I brushed past him like he hadn't said a word to me. I headed off to the bathroom to start washing the makeup off my face. Focus.
"Bella, I mean it." Edward reasserted.
"Let me make something very clear to you. I am doing the show. No one is going to stop me; in fact it would take an act of god to keep me off that stage." I replied quietly, darkly.
"I can stop you." He countered.
"Oh, right. Your little Tria Fata play group. Using their power for your own good. Good to know that you guys can do something…" I spit.
Edward took a firm grasp of my shoulders. "Bella, I know you blame me for not being able to help your father but we don't have the ability to change life or death. I would do anything for you if I had that capability. You're hurting and you're in pain. I understand that. Please just let me help you."
"I don't need your help." I yelled. "What I need is to put together a performance and you've already made it quite clear that you don't plan on helping me, so do what you want. I can't waste any of my time standing here fighting with you. I have a show to put on." I pushed his arms away and stormed off.
I refused to sleep with Edward that night and wanted to opt for the couch in my office but as I was passing by Savannah and Gracie's room that evening I couldn't help but stop and check in on them. They were already in bed asleep. We had taken them out of school the past couple days because they too needed time to grieve. My dad had become a grandfather to them even in his short time of knowing them.
I walked into their fairy forest bedroom and went to sit down on the edge of Gracie's bed. I loved watching them sleep. It was now above all else you could truly see the innocence of a child. How I missed being that age.
"Mommy." Gracie stirred a little.
"Hey, I'm sorry. Go back to sleep." I whispered.
"Are you and Uncle Edward fighting? I heard him tell Uncle Jacob he was mad."
No matter how hard you may try to keep things from children; they always know.
"Well, we are just trying to figure out how to deal with our sadness." I wanted to breakdown but I couldn't. I wouldn't do that to my five-year old. Instead I slowly climbed into bed with her and lay down next to her.
"Go to sleep, mommy. When the sun rises up, it doesn't look so bad anymore." She patted my arm and placed her blankie on top of me before snuggling down under the covers.
It wasn't my intension to sleep there that night but when I was shaken awake the next morning I realized that I must have fallen sound asleep before the thought of retreating entered my mind.
"Bella."
"Bella." Edward said my name gently over and over.
"Wha?" I opened my eyes slightly while wiping my mouth clear of any residual drool.
"Justin's here." He replied.
"Oh…okay." I started to push myself up off the bed trying to ignore the pounding headache I had. Edward helped me up and steadied me.
"Thanks." I whispered before heading off to our bathroom so I could try to at least make myself presentable for Justin. Edward followed me.
"Can we talk?" he asked.
I soaked a wash cloth and started to clean my face. "Honestly Edward, I don't really have the time and I know that I certainly don't have the energy. You have made yourself quite clear on where you stand. Noted. But you don't understand and I need to focus because this is greater than you or me. I'm sorry." I splashed my face full of water to clean off the remaining soap.
"I don't understand." He agreed. "I know that everyone has a different way they grieve. I wish you would…I don't know grieve with me but I know now that it's probably not going to happen. I don't think that this performance is a good idea. I don't understand what could possibly be going through your mind but like I said before, I will always love and support you. So if this is what you need to do; then I support you."
I slowly turned to face Edward. "Really?" I asked in the smallest voice.
"Yes, baby." He came a little closer and gently pulled me to him. "Please don't sleep away from me anymore." He added softly in my ear.
I nodded and started to pull back. "Okay." We stayed there for a moment and then I needed to get moving. "I have to go."
Edward gave me one last lingering kiss upon my forehead before he would release me.
I felt bad making Justin wait for me since he was doing me a big favor but when I finally was able to find him downstairs I could see I wasn't causing much of an imposition as my mom flounces around the kitchen making one of her large breakfast's.
"Man, momma Swan this has to be the best French toast I've ever tasted." Justin said through a mouth full of food.
"Oh, well thank you. You just eat up. I have plenty more. How would you like your eggs?" she asked.
Savannah and Gracie were sitting at the table trying to crane their necks over to the cartoon network that played in the family room right across the way from the kitchen table.
"Hey." I announced my presence. "Sorry, I took so long."
"No prob." Justin got up haphazardly to give me a quick hug.
"Bella, why don't you sit on down. I have bacon and toast all ready. Let me get you some French toast." My mom pointed to the chair.
"Well, we gotta get going. Justin and I have a lot to work on." I tried to weasel my way out of breakfast.
"That's nonsense. You need a decent meal. Don't think I didn't notice that you barely ate anything the past couple of days." She pushed a plate in my hands.
"Mom." I whined.
"Now, Bella."
I sighed and sat down at my place. I hope Edward wasn't taking notes. After all these years she still could put me in my place and tell me what to do.
I looked over to Justin and he smiled widely with his mouth full.
When I was finally able to pull Justin away from the table and out to my office where my grand piano stayed, my stomach turned from the food I was forced to eat.
"Okay, so where's the piece?" Justin took his place at my piano. I went over to a filing cabinet that I had put in and unlocked it.
"I wrote the music a couple of years back but never could find any words." I pulled the music sheets from out of my folder and walked back over to the piano and laid them out for him. He started to play the notes. A slow suffocating tune came out. Each note sounded darker than the last. The slow tune turned fierce and then dropped off to a place where no hope could ever be found.
Justin exhaled when he was finished. "Wow…uh…that is really something. Do you need me to make changes to the tempo?"
"No. That was perfect." I said just staring at the keys. "Really. I want it played just like that."
"Uh…okay. Well, how bout them lyrics." He looked up to me.
"I don't have any lyrics." I admitted softly.
"B. This performance is less than two days away. You were supposed to go to a rehearsal today. You will probably need to be at a rehearsal tomorrow. What are you going to do?" he said slightly panicked.
"The words…I'm not worried about. They'll come." I shrugged my shoulders.
"Oh…well I'm glad you're not worried." He replied sarcastically. "You do know this is the Grammy's. Thee biggest stage in music. I don't think you should be so cavalier."
"I'm not. Look, I get it. You're worried. You don't want to put your reputation on the line for this. I understand. I will find someone else." I huffed and walked away from the piano pulling my music sheets from off of it.
Justin sat in silence at my piano for a few moments while I went over to my desk with the intention of locking everything back up.
"Would you just wait a minute?" he snapped. "I didn't say anything about my damn reputation; I just wished you had more of a plan."
He walked over to me and held his hand out. "Give me the damn music." He demanded.
I looked him over; still fuming slightly.
"I mean it. Give me the damn music." He raised his voice. I handed him the music sheets; never taking my eyes off his.
"I know of a couple of violin players that can really make this great. I will see you for rehearsal tomorrow at Staples, okay?" he asked and I nodded. "I gotta get going. I need to practice. See you tomorrow, B."
He walked toward the door and before he left through it I whispered, "Thanks."
He paused as if he wanted to say something but then thought better on it.
I arrived at Staples Center the next day. Stefan and Seth were there already to greet me and probably assure themselves that this was a good idea. I don't think I managed to assure anyone after that rehearsal however.
If it wasn't for Justin I probably wouldn't have had as much as I did. He took care of directing lighting and sound. The violin players were there and situated. Their rehearsal went flawless. It was the only time in Grammy history where the producers of the show allowed a performance to go on without having seen it first. It wasn't because I had a certain amount of clout either. Everyone there knew that I was the low man on the totem pole when it came to success. But due to the recent publicity that I managed to garnish from my father's passing; something in them said that it would make for good television to have me sing that night.
I have to pull you out of the story for a moment and briefly try to explain to you a few things. You see when I first thought about writing out my life story I was a tad reluctant because I knew in order for my story to be accurate I would have to go into details of my life that I wanted to bury. When my dad passed it was the lowest I ever was. I treated the people around me horribly. I treated myself horribly. There was never a moment in my life that I could look back upon that was darker than this. I hated myself. All I could focus on was my bitterness. I was angry at god. My family. The circumstances. Even my father though I would immediately feel even more guilty after those thoughts. I just wanted to curl up and allow my mind to disappear.
I never will understand what the producers at AEG were thinking when they green lite my performance for the next day. I hadn't even sung at the rehearsal. All they had to go off of was Justin's piano playing and the violinists.
That performance earned me a spot in the top five Grammy moments of all time. It's not something I was proud of either. Seeing a person suffer a breakdown on live television was definitely not something a person should be given honors for. I never watched my performance after until I was on being interviewed by James Lipton a couple of years after and even then I cringed and turned away. The Entertainment community at the time praised it for it rawness. But you know those crazy people in Entertainment.
It was twenty minutes till curtain up for me. Marcus never replied to my email. I was planning on going out with what I was wearing. I didn't do the red carpet. I came through the back and sat in a green room with Edward until my performance time. Thankfully they had placed me thirty minutes into the program so I wouldn't have to wait too long.
Marcus came rushing through with a couple of P.A.'s pushing people aside.
"Wardrobe coming though. Move out of my way." Marcus snapped at the stage crew.
"Marcus." I stood up shocked. "You came."
"Well, it does take time you know." He looked at me with questions and possible fury. "Let's get you dressed." He sighed.
I went into a dressing room with him.
"What were you planning on wearing? That?" he looked me over with disdain.
I don't blame him I was wearing some dark jeans and a black tank top. Definitely not Grammy worthy. I shrugged my shoulders in response.
I pulled the clothes off from me; tossing them to the side. Marcus unzipped the enormous bag and out popped all the black tulle one could ever need. He made a job of hoisting it up and over me. The dress probably weighed thirty pounds. He had to help me move around to ensure I didn't knock anyone or anything over.
I'm not sure why I picked that dress. When I thought about the moment I would be standing on stage; the dress from Marcus's previous season fashion show popped into my mind. Maybe because it was black and depressing. Or maybe because it looked like a vortex down a really fucked up rabbit hole with the mounds and mounds of tulle. When I looked at the crazy mixed up dress; it reminded me of me.
Edward had already taken his seat and Justin was there and ready to go. I walked out to my mark. The lights were down and even though the sounds from the crowd were almost deafening I couldn't focus on a thing. Those next few moments were like an outer body experience.
The lights slowly faded up and there I stood in front of millions of spectators and what I prayed was my father; hopefully being allowed to watch from above. Those first few moments of Justin's piano playing; I will admit that I hadn't a thought in the world. I had finally gotten what I wanted. I wanted to be up here; I fought for this but now what do I say? How do you tell someone I'm sorry? Somehow I'm sorry just didn't seem to validate all I had done to my father.
I search all around for you
You're nowhere to be found
I'm lost without you.
Dear god please let him listen to me now.
And just like that I started to sing everything I could think.
I hope that you can hear me.
This is my last plea.
I'm begging you to forgive me
As I pray you're in heaven; the precious, the few can see.
You told me to reach for the stars
Your life you spent helping me to touch the sky
But I'm falling back down to earth
And in misery, here I lie.
And it's the higher that you are
The farther you will fall
I wouldn't speak to you
I wanted you to say you were sorry
Now I'm the one asking for you to forgive me.
I was finally able to cry. I held it in as long as I could; the tears just barely brimming.
And it's the higher that you are
The farther you will fall
This was the day, a very gloomy day
They put you in the ground, And took my heart away.
My mistakes piling up one by one
I'm the one to blame, no one can argue.
I used to laugh and sit upon your knee
And I now I will be dancing solo at my wedding
No one to walk me down the aisle
Now one to blame but me.
I finally couldn't stand; my legs breaking beneath me. And it finally hit me; my dad was dead. He was gone; he couldn't see me. He would never hear my apology. This was all for nothing.
I'm breaking down
Why won't you hold me?
All alone now
Darkness comes over me.
I'm reaching out for you
Just out of my grasp.
All alone now
I'm all alone.
Ending up in the pile of tulle which surrounded me like a dark cloud. I was all alone. Blackness. My mind was gone.
I don't remember exactly how I got off stage when the lights finally went down. Jacob told me later that it was Justin and that helped me off. It was the single most eerie moment to hear Staples center so quiet, most people probably in shock of witnessing career suicide.
Marcus helped pull me off the rest of the way and briefly like going in and out of consciousness I was able to know certain things going on around me. Marcus pulling the dress from off of my body. I remember him dressing me back into my jeans and black tank top himself, probably realizing that if he didn't I wouldn't know any better at the moment.
Then Edward was there; calling my name trying to reach me.
"I'm ready to go home now." My voice not even sounding like my own.
He nodded and slowly walked forward to pull me into his arms and help steer me out of the venue. He held me tightly while we were in the limo riding home. My Edward. My dear poor Edward, who I probably aged during our lives together worse than father time could do. Always the dutiful one. Always taking care of me.
He took me up to our bedroom and set me on the bed, helping me out of my clothes. He kept watching me like he was waiting for something but all I could allow myself to do was to just stare. My mind already swallowing me up. He helped me under the covers and then went to the closet to undress out of his suit. He came back and got into bed softly rubbing my back. And there I stayed not leaving that room for over a weeks' time; only leaving the bed to use the bathroom.
I went to sleep that night and I had a dream of my father. He was sitting on a park bench and I walked up to him and we took a stroll in the park, just like we would have if he was still here. I woke up that night and then something finally occurred to me. I could see my dad in my dreams. I could see my dad and suddenly that's all I wanted; sleep. When you sleep you dream and when I dreamed we weren't in pain anymore.
AN: THANK YOU FOR READING AND REVIEWING! I really appreciated the high amount of Guest reviews from the last chapter.