The Things We Hide
By Akasha Ravensong

Chapter Twenty-Six

"Oh no,
Here it is again
I need to know when I will fall in decay

Somehting wrong
With every plan of my life
I didn't really notice that you've been here

Dolefully desired,
Destiny is a lie."

Heavan's a lie, by Lacuna Coil

Of all the stupid things I could have said and I had to let that little snippet slip out of my mouth. Great Gods, I was either beginning to go soft or I was beginning to loose my wits. I had actually admitted to her that I thought she was beautiful. That was not necessary! I had only needed to calm her down so that she would allow me to help her. I had most definitely not meant to allow those words to tumble from my mouth. After all, I was still her professor for another year and such admissions were entirely inappropriate.

Although, Severus, you've found yourself in many positions that are entirely inappropriate since she moved into the castle Professor or not.

I shook my head at my hopelessness as I wandered the corridors, making the last of my rounds. Eventually I decided that I had had enough and headed towards the dungeons and my chambers. I was inclined to believe that I was indeed loosing my wits. As much as I hated to admit it, I did care for the girl. What happened to her mattered to me.

Perhaps it was that she reminded me of myself as a child. She was so eager to please and so keen to learn as much as humanly possible, and then some. There was great pain in her past, most of it stemming from things her parents had done to her throughout her childhood. There was also an immense amount of misunderstandings between her and her peers. She was set apart from them in the same way that I had been as a child. I had noticed the way she always set herself apart from them, and they from her. It was even more noticeable when the 'Golden Trio' split up and she lost the two friends that made others seek out her company.

She was mature beyond her years in a way that I never was, though. For if I had truly been mature, I would have grown from my experiences rather then allowing myself to fall down the path that eventually led me to the dark lord. Yes, Hermione had changed. She had become more sarcastic and more caustic in her view of the world, but she had not fallen into darkness. In Hermione had been the strength, or perhaps just enough remaining innocence, to allow herself to trust again that I had been lacking in my youth. That and she had me, whether she realized it or not. Whether she liked it or not.

I often wondered if having somebody to trust in and believe in me would have made enough of a difference for me when I was a youth. It was possible that if I had somebody that I trusted enough to confide in that I would never have made the mistakes I made or committed those horrific crimes during my life as a Death Eater. It was true that I had been through much more then Hermione had in my childhood, but it was always conceivable that one true friend would have made the difference in my life.

However, it was more then the simple fact that she reminded me a great deal of myself growing up. The things that made her herself and no other allowed her to work herself under my skin in a way that no other had in over two decades. I allowed her to see a side of me that no other had ever seen, except by chance perhaps Albus Dumbledore had seen on rare occasion. She had a grip on my heart in a way I was at a loss to describe.

In truth more then half of me wanted to push her away before she wound herself even deeper under my skin. After all, old habits die hard. From years of living my life as a spy I had learned to live a solitary life to ensure that nobody could be used against me as well as to ensure that I would have nobody to leave behind should something happen to me during the war. Years of being ridiculed and disdained by my peers had also given me plenty of reason to loose faith in humanity. It was hard to not push her away.

I entered my chambers and headed towards my bathroom, stripping and leaving clothes strewn along my pathway as I went. I relaxed as I soaped up and let the warm water flow over my body. It had been a very long and tiring day, and there were only more such days to come. With a match and tinder I carefully fed fire in my bedroom until it was roaring. Then I set a charm so that it would continue to blaze all night long and keep the room at the same temperature. That was one of the very few things I preferred to do without my wand when I had the time. I climbed into the sheets of my bed after muttering a simple drying charm on my hair and body.

I was a solitary man by nature. The social behaviors of my fellow human beings mystified me. I much rather keep my own company and brew my potions or focus on a good book. Potions and books were easy enough to control, books didn't hurt you. When your entire life there had been no single trust that had not been betrayed you tended to remain solitary and therefore safe. Those social endeavors that did not mystify me simply annoyed me and were classified as not to be bothered with.

I was a man who lived a lonely life and I enjoyed it. I liked not having to explain myself to anyone and being able to do things my way without question. Even Dumbledore let me do things the way that I wanted to for the most part. He tried to lure me out of my shell but for the most part he failed. I was very set in my ways.

No, there were no words that I could find for how she was changing me. In a way, that change scared me. However, another side of me welcomed the change wholeheartedly. I had been alone for far too long and I would welcome the chance for friendship. After all, there wasn't much she could do that would hurt me anymore then I had already been hurt. In the last month before school Hermione and I had begun to treat each other like equals. That balance was about to tip itself slightly as the school year began. I would be her teacher once more, but perhaps we would be able to remain equals in the company of each other.

Maybe, if she proved to me that she too thought of me as a true friend, I would tell her about myself. Perhaps I would reveal some of the many sordid details of my past. And one day, if those details did not scare her away, I would tell her everything. And if she still chooses to remain by me, then I would trust her completely without holding back. Still I was a cautious man. I would be there for her, but I would not reveal anything more then necessary about myself until I knew she was trustworthy.

I doused all the lights in my chamber and rolled over into a more comfortable position in the bed. With a sigh I closed my eyes. Yes, someday I might just do that, was my last thought as I quickly fell into a deep and dreamless sleep.

I groaned as I sat in History of magic class while professor Binns droned on and on in a completely monotone voice. This was the one class I barely managed to stay awake during, never mind take notes. I only passed this class by reading the books beforehand and taking my notes directly from them. It was all I could do to not fall asleep in this class.

History of magic was a fascinating subject so long as I wasn't listening to the ghostly professor. It was amazing and horrible how a teacher with no enthusiasm could ruin a subject for the entire student body. Even Professor Snape at his worst was very thorough in his teaching methods and his students, if they bothered to pay attention that is, could not deny his interest in the subject. His obvious enthrallment with the subject was contagious often times.

My stomach growled as the bell rang and class was dismissed. Good, it was almost supper time. The first day back to classes and so far I had managed to avoid Harry and Ron during all the classes that we had together. The Slytherins that I had come across seemed more subdued in their attitudes to me. In fact the first one that had made a point to harass me was told quietly to step down by the baffling Draco Malfoy. One of the students had started giving me a rough time earlier in the day but Draco had stopped him simply by putting a hand on the boy's shoulder and shaking his head disapprovingly. Since the 'King of Slytherin' had spoken for me it seemed that I was under close scrutiny from the rest of the house. Perhaps I had acquired a bit of grudging respect from them as a result of this. This year was looking far better then expected already.

I had one class left for the day, potions, and as always the majority of students in the class were Gryffindors and Slytherins, although there were a few students from other houses due to the fact that this was the newt level class. I picked one of the small tables near the front of the room wondering how things were going to be in class for this year, especially where Severus and I were companionable with one another now. I supposed that things were going to be almost exactly as they had been before, after all the man was still my teacher and I couldn't expect his attitudes to change overnight. Perhaps I might be able to look forward to less stinging comments about being a know-it-all.

I had a few minutes alone in the classroom before I noticed the back door open as Severus came striding into the room looking ever the part of the evil Potions Master. I smiled at him.

"Good Evening, Severus."

He looked at me for a moment as if slightly confused and then frowned slightly. "Hermione, I hope you realize that our friendship changes nothing of our relationship in the classroom and before other students."

"What sort of simpleton do you take me for Severus? Of course I realize that. I just thought I'd say a simple hello before the other students arrived if you don't mind." I smiled impishly at him. "After all you wouldn't want the students to get any ideas about you possibly being human beneath the guise of the greasy, vampire-ish, overgrown bat Professor with cantankerous tendencies that you have donned. After all you wear the guise so well."

He opened his mouth looking indignant and as if he wanted to say something to counter my statement, but my peers could be heard approaching. I did my best to look as if he had said something to upset me and Severus wore a particularly cross expression upon his face. Several of the students shot sympathetic looks my way at being the first student to arrive.

Once the clock chimed to signal the beginning of class everyone rushed to their seats. After all nobody wanted to induce the wrath of Professor Snape, especially not on our first full day of classes. In the end I was lucky enough to have the seat beside me remain empty and thus ensured that I would be able to work alone until Severus decided to assign partners.

"The seats that you have chosen shall be yours until I see fit to change them, so remember them!" barked Severus. "This is a newt level class, and that means that every single one of you in this pathetic bunch has managed to scrape together enough points to get a Outstanding or higher on your Owls for potions. As such, I expect a certain level of excellence from all of you. As much as I hate to admit it, you are now the elite of Hogwarts for this class. Prove that you deserve it, and if you can't keep up you had best drop out of the class now and save me the trouble."

"There is a potion on the board; do any of you recognize it?" I dared to raise my hand. "Put your hand down Miss Granger no need to be a know it all, after all I'm sure this entire class is aware that you have most likely memorized the entire book already. Stop showing off it doesn't become you."

A few brave souls snickered quietly at that. Damn! I knew it was too much to hope for. I glared at him. I supposed I deserved that for my comment to him. So much for getting the last word! Still, it would have been nice if his retaliation had not been in front of the entire class. And if he thought I didn't see the smirk behind his sneer directed towards me as he insulted me then he wasn't as smart as everyone believed.

"Well apparently Miss Granger is the only one of you who bothered to come to this class prepared as this is the Dreamless Sleep draught found in the very first chapter of your textbooks. How pathetic, and to think this is the best that Hogwarts has to offer. Open your books to page 13 and get started. I expect this potion brewed and bottled and sitting on my desk before the end of class." Nobody moved. "Well, what are you waiting for? Get working!" he shouted.

Class went smoothly, the potion was easy enough for me to complete, and was in fact a potion at about fifth year level. The steps were simple, but if you missed the timing by more then a few seconds the potion would be completely ruined. I focused entirely on the potion before me. At one point I noticed Severus hovering behind my shoulder, his cloak draping casually against my back as studied my cauldron intently, something that usually never happened. Normally, despite the occasional close quarters Severus had the remarkable ability to keep his cloak at least a finger width from your person at all times.

"Good. Don't vanish your potion at the end of class Miss Granger."

I smiled. That meant he approved of my potion. I heard him go around the room and tell Malfoy and Goyle the same thing. I bottled my sample and brought it up to Severus' desk at the front of the room. As I sat down in my seat once more the five minute warning bell rang.

"We will often be brewing medicinal potions as a part of this year's curriculum. For those of you that mange to brew potions of a high enough standard, your potions will be used to restock the Hospital Wing's supplies. Except for Miss Granger and Misters Malfoy and Goyle none of you were able to even come close to reaching those high standards. By the end of this semester I expect more then half of you to be able to manage this feat."

The final bell rang and the students filed out of the classroom as fast as humanly possible. This was the last class of the day and everyone was rushing to the Great Hall to fill their stomachs. I lingered, moving slowly while I gathered my things. I received a few cursory glances from a few students, but soon Severus and I were alone in the classroom. Then I proceeded to I sling my bag over my shoulder and walk up to where he was seated at his desk.

"Couldn't resist the know-it-all jibe, I suppose?"

"I haven't the foggiest idea of what you're talking about." He said with a smirk.

"Don't play innocent with me Severus Snape I'm no fool to your game."

"Why ever would I commit such a ridiculous act such as that? Really Hermione I do believe that you are loosing your wits."

I raised my eyebrow at him. "And you sir, are loosing your touch."

"Ahh that is where you are mistaken Miss Granger, but perhaps I am playing in far deeper waters then you can handle."

"Try me."

He stood up and leaned over the desk with his face only inches from mine. A shiver ran down my spine and unconsciously I licked my lips. I looked right into his eyes, not willing to back down, or back away. Curiously enough, a great deal of me wanted to lean nearer and close the gap between us. I gulped and he smiled, mistakenly reading the reaction as nervousness. Abruptly he sat down and fingered through the papers on his desk.

"Go up to supper Hermione, before somebody realizes that you never left Potions class and wonders if the 'vampire-ish' professor made you his victim." He said without looking up.

"Goodnight Severus, then. And relax, your shoulders are tense and you were clenching your teeth all class. You'll give yourself a headache for sure. Sleep well."

I turned and left the room without another word, though I sensed his eyes on my back the entire way up to the Great Hall. At least I had managed to have the last word. That had to count for something, didn't it? All well, no matter. I knew my victory would be short lived one way or another but I planned on gloating while I could.

September flew by quite quickly. Ginny and I continued our tentative friendship and Malfoy warily tested the waters between him and I carefully. Occasionally he had even gone as far as to sit with Ginny and myself in the Library on several separate occasions to have a discussion on different subjects with the two of us. I was mistrustful of his motives but his intentions seemed honest enough. Draco never asked probing questions and steered clear of any subjects that would inevitably end up in a discussion concerning Ron or Harry.

I had seen Ginny eyeing Draco shamelessly on several occasions and when he thought she wasn't looking he had done the same. I had my suspicions on whether they had been talking without my presence but I kept them to myself. If Ginny was brave enough to pursue Draco despite her brother's undoubtedly horrific reactions should they find out, then power to her. And if he dared to dream of Ginny despite the repercussions of his and her family's opinions of such a thing then I would not stop him. After all, if he dared to court Ginny then perhaps there was another side to Draco then one I had known in my earlier years.

I tried several more experimentations with different elements using the muggle texts I had found on Wicca, Paganism, or whatever each author preferred to call themselves. Without a wand or any sort of spell I was now able to call the wind to me at any time as well as make the water in a bowl move clockwise and counterclockwise in a bowl. I had a much easier time calling flame as well. I kept all of my tests as well as my progress and my exact wordings with spells I tried logged in a notebook.

I spent many long hours meditating in my rooms to relax myself. I still wasn't quite over my ordeal from the summer. I had found that meditating, grounding, and centering kept me sane. In the back of my mind I knew that I was not really dealing with the trauma but merely pushing it aside, but it was the best that I could do for the moment. I still had nightmares but they came less frequently and weren't as vivid anymore.

Eventually I found another way to cast a circle as well. In my opinion calling the quarters was completely unnecessary, altogether too much ceremony over so simple a thing. I simply envisioned my aura solidifying in a protective egg-like shell and then expanded that shell around my working area. Then I called visualized the energies of each element joining with my aura and set it. It took me less then five minutes and felt right to me.

Severus and I barely had time to talk with our demanding schedules. I was Head Girl and as focused as ever about getting as close to perfect marks as I could manage. He had his classes as well as the duties of Head of House. I owled him some of my notes discretely, as well as a comment or two, so that he could remain up to date and he often relied with a casual remark or two as well. He was quite curious about my progress in the elemental magic. He had pointed out a few books in his library that spoke of ancient wizarding customs that were like what I had found in the muggle community. It was all quite interesting.

Before I knew it, October had passed as well and it was only a week before the Halloween ball. The prefects had decided that it was to be a masquerade this year and all years would attend as was customary. As Head Girl I would be required to attend the first part of the dance for ceremonial reasons, but afterwards I was hoping that I could slip away and get a chance to talk to Severus. I missed his company. Now all that remained was taking a day to go to Hogsmede with Ginny and get my costume…

Author's Notes

Hope everyone is doing well

Blessed Be
Raven Lynne

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