Family Secrets: Part Two – chapter 6
Hope you enjoy this trip into Sam's head. Being Sam and Sammy I felt that he needed to be honest with Alta. Sammy would need to come clean and Alta deserves to know more. AND I just wanted to explore behind the wall…
In the eyes of the Confessor there's no place you can hide
You can't hide from the eyes
Don't you even try
In the eyes of the Confessor you can't tell a lie
You cannot tell a lie
Strip you down to size
Naked as the day that you were born
Naked as the day that you were born
The Confessor - Joe Walsh
Alta woke up spooned against Sam; his arms wrapped around her holding her to him; his chin resting on her head. His body was relaxed; his breathing regular and she knew he was still asleep. She didn't think she'd ever seen Sam asleep. Even wounded and sedated, he would rest; he would lie quietly with his eyes closed but never really sleep.
It felt good to know he was relaxed and sleeping and it felt good to wake up in his arms but it was hot and he was kind of heavy. So she squirmed out of his grip as easily as she could, trying not to wake him. When he rolled over on his stomach and ground his face into the pillow before slowly relaxing back into the rhythmic breathing of sleep, she knew she made it without waking him. Grabbing some clothes she quickly slipped into the bathroom.
... ... ...
Sam watched himself fucking a woman he hardly knew... had just met... interviewed her for a case... and... fucked her in a public bathroom... the men's bathroom... slammed her up on the counter and fucked her, for God's sake! ... He heard his own voice...
Next time I'll bring my cuffs. ...
It felt good... He could feel his dick hard and pounding into her...
How could I? ... I didn't even like her... didn't know her.
Because she wanted it... She wanted it hard and fast… She asked for it…
Cuff me...
You liked it.
No...
Yes!
Two Sam's warred inside his head.
These are my memories. This is us.
...
He saw the man's face… weak… begging…
Help me… please…
...get them to the hospital…
Sam watched himself pull the trigger… felt the recoil of the gun… watched the bullet hit point blank between the eyes… again… again… again…again… again…
No, I couldn't have…
I did… we did
Executed… six men… why?
They were already dead… the Arachne poisoned them… they were dying…
I shot them?
I did what I had to do.
…
He saw himself in a filthy alley behind a dumpster... The stench overwhelmed him... pushed her down to her knees...
"Make it fast."...
Held her head and forced her... growled with each thrust... paid her...
No... it's not me...
Yes... it's me. It's us... It is who we are.
…
The familiar searing pain was coursing through his head; nausea already overwhelming him. The best he could do was to roll to the side of the bed and hang his head over as his body convulsed retching bile on the floor. Each jerk of his head intensified the pain until his body gave up all that he had and finally stilled.
Alta walked out of the bathroom freshly showered, her hair still damp. She was shaking her head and running her long thick hair through a towel when she spied Sam hanging off the bed, his head slumping, his hair damp with sweat, his eyes tightly shut against the light and the pain that threatened to tear his head apart.
"What happened?" She threw the towel over the thin acrid fluid pooled on the floor below his face, noting that there was no substance in it, just bile. The sound of her voice... his own voice echoed in his head, beating against his brain.
"Sorry... I..." His head continued to pound so that he couldn't focus... the light hurt his eyes. He flinched with the effort of breathing.
"Shhh. Don't try to talk." Placing a cool cloth from the bathroom across the back of his neck she spoke quietly. "When did you eat last?" She moved the cloth to his forehead, holding it against his limp head.
"Sometime... before yesterday." he whispered and winced at the pain it caused him to talk.
"Well, when you can move, we'll get some food in you. Can you drink something?"
Sam knew this wasn't just a lack of food. But he didn't want to tell Alta about the dream. He didn't want her to know... not that dream... And he knew she would ask. He didn't want to remember the dream.
But they're my memories... You have to know.
Alta returned from the kitchen with a bottle of water. Handing it to him, she fluffed the pillows pushing them behind to prop him up. "Here. Take this. "Vicodin. It'll help with the pain. I'm gonna get you something to eat, something easy on the stomach." She cupped her hand to his cheek. "I'm not used to seeing you like this."
He snorted. "I've never been like this. It's..." He shuddered. "I'll get over it."
She made him drink the water... made him eggs and toast and finally the pain eased enough for him to shower. When he came out of the bathroom, clean and dressed she ran her hand down the side of his face enjoying his smooth freshly shaven skin. "Mmmm, feels nice." She smiled and led him to the sofa, motioning for him to sit. "I told you everything I did... while you were gone. It's only fair you share with me now. What happened?"
... ... ...
It had been a dark time for Sam. When he first became aware… he couldn't see anything. The darkness was complete and oppressive. Sam wondered... alone... until he found it... the wall. They shoved me behind the wall... All he could feel was blinding rage and he beat himself against the wall, over and over until pain began to seep through the rage... Then he felt the loneliness. The quiet dark isolation was overwhelming and he clung to one thought... I have to get past this wall... I have to get out!
It was useless to try to bring down the wall by brute force. But there had to be some way to get through, some way to get back into life and out of this dark nothingness. When he was quiet, he could hear beyond the wall. He heard Sammy's voice... Saw Sammy living his life...
No! Not Sammy... Sam! ... I'm Sam... Remember me!
The rage surfaced in him again. Sam kicked and called and beat against the wall; his fists bloody and bruised from the useless effort. Finally he dropped to the floor exhausted.
When he was quiet again, he could feel it… deeper in the darkness… farther from the wall… Quiet desperation, fear, pain and loneliness deeper than he could bear, seeping up to envelop him like a fog, threatening to overwhelm him.
No… stay away… don't touch me…
Sam crouched against the wall and felt something he had not felt before… He was afraid.
…
Sam missed living... missed hunting... missed the kill and he missed Alta. He waited... waited and listened and watched Sammy live his life... a normal life.
I'm a hunter... It's what I do... It's all I know... Sammy's voice echoed in the darkness.
It's not all you know... Dean's voice answered.
Yes it is… Sam screamed.
And it's not the only life...
Sam stood before the wall and willed Sammy to hear him.
Yes it is... Sammy... yes it is! Take the gun... your gun… where it belongs… back of your jeans… feel the cold steel against your back… the knife... your knife… feels right... feels like me... you are a hunter... a hunter... Hunt!
Sam watched him walk the streets, looking... hunting.
There! You smell it... Carnivore's breath... rotting flesh... Listen...
Hissing breath...pulling through fangs...
Werewolf... smell it... fresh blood... already made a kill...
Sam watched... and felt... and lived the hunt with him; through him... felt the gun in his hand... squeezed his hand as he pulled the trigger... felt the recoil... watched the bullet hit. Dead on… through the heart... Watched the werewolf drop...
Yes!
Sammy went home, cleaned his gun and hid his hunt from Dean while Sam slumped down next to the wall and waited... in the darkness. He knew what he had to do. Get his thoughts past this wall. He had to connect to Sammy. He could stay alive… live through Sammy… hunt… feel the kill… find Alta… Sam stood at the wall; he placed his hands on it, splayed his fingers across the surface and pushed his memories through the wall.
Remember… remember me… don't leave me here… remember me…this is who we are…
… … …
"A dream?"
"Not a dream, Alta. It was real." He watched her reaction, wondering if she would think he was insane.
"You are different. Are you… Sammy?"
"It's Sam." He spoke the words as a reflex and wondered who exactly he was. "But…" He didn't know what to answer. He didn't know who he was. "I'm me… I know you." He got up and began to pace. "I've got memories… all the memories… jumbled together… coming at me in bits and pieces…" He stopped at the window, gazing out onto the street below. "Some of them I don't like."
"I have memories I don't like too." She said softly. "We all do, I suppose." It was so different to see him uncertain and questioning. He was not the Sam she knew… not the Sam she fell in love with. He was struggling. Was this Sam with a soul; torn and indecisive?
"It's worse than you think. I know how I treated you." He turned from the window to face her. "I separated you from your family, the clan. I knew what I was doing. I was using you. I didn't love you." His face was pained. "I don't think I knew how."
"Sam… don't." Alta knew she wouldn't like where this was going.
"I tried. Because I wanted you. I tried to do the things that people do when they love someone. I tried to act the right way; the way I thought I was when I had my soul. I tried to make you think I was that man. But I wasn't very good at it."
"I don't understand what you're saying."
"I used you… I wanted you... I wanted your body… I wanted you hunting with me. I wanted to take you away from Samuel because you were his best hunter and it was a power play." Sam knelt in front of her; his face inches from hers. He held her eyes with his, watching the tears forming. "It was all about what I wanted; what I thought I needed from you. I set you up as bait for the djinn. I didn't care that I risked your life."
"Stop… stop it." Alta tried to push Sam away but he trapped her hands and held them to his chest.
"It's part of me. It's who I am. You should know the truth." She was caught in his gaze like a rabbit in a trap and his eyes were hard, boring into her. "And if you hadn't gotten your eyesight back… if Cas hadn't healed you… I would have left you." He watched the pain twist across her face as silent tears fell. "If you couldn't hunt, I had no use for you."
"Don't. … just let me go…" She knew what he was saying was the truth; truth she already knew but had refused to believe.
"No… there's more."
"I don't want to hear it, Sam." She choked on her words sobbing, not caring that he could see how much he was hurting her; not understanding why.
"That part of me is hard, really hard and cold. And when I didn't have my soul, that's all there was left of me. A cold, calculating monster… unable to feel… to care… to love." His eyes began to soften as he continued to hold her gaze. "But that's the part of me that had the strength to force my way back across the wall. Without me, Sammy would have stayed in that apple pie life. He wouldn't have ever hunted again. I forced him to hunt. I forced him to remember me." He still held her hands tightly against his chest and his eyes were now pleading with her to understand. "I forced Sammy to remember you! When he made love to some other girl, I made him see you! I made him feel you, not her. I forced him to search for you."
"Why? If you don't love me… why?"
"Because I knew if I could get to you, I could get out of that place… I could get through the wall." He finally broke his stare and lowered his head. "And if I could connect with him, I would feel… because… he would love you… and… I could know what it feels like to love you…"
Alta was stunned. Her hands trapped on his chest, held in his tight grasp. She looked at his bowed head; his back bent; kneeling on the floor before her. She'd never seen Sam like this. The Sam she fell in love with was strong. Power radiated from him like rays from the sun. He was fearless. The man before her now was humbled, beaten… She didn't know who he was.
He waited for her response and felt the silence stretch between them. He felt her doubtfulness. She sees me now. He held his hands away, releasing hers, feeling the loss of her touch and wondering if he would lose her. Now she knows the truth. He couldn't bear to look in her eyes. He stood and looked down at her, waiting. She didn't move; her eyes still focused on the place he had been as he knelt before her. He turned and slowly paced through the room pausing at one of the paintings on the wall. He ran his fingers along the frame and gazed at the dark river and the little boat by the tree. "You said these paintings were dark, but you liked dark. I didn't know what you meant… but I do now." He heard her release the breath she didn't know she was holding… a quiet, trembling sigh.
He paced to the window. "I don't deserve you but… could you possibly love me?" His face was pained and he stared out the window. As she watched him, she could tell the moment he changed. He became focused. His eyes narrowed, his lips became a tense line. He cupped his hand to his chin; deep in thought. This looked like the Sam she knew.
"This is not over." He turned from the window to face her. "We're being watched."
"Samuel?"
"I don't know, but if Samuel wanted you back in the clan… if he wanted you to hunt with them… why would he send Christian? Samuel's a lot more persuasive than Christian."
"True. And I know what Christian said, but I don't think that's what he wanted." She began to think back on their encounter. "He goaded me… like he didn't really want me back in the clan."
"Something's not right with this. Whatever it is we need to get out of here." He grabbed his gun, stuffing it down the back of his pants. "Get packed. Let's go."
Alta was already packing her duffle, grabbing her weapons and arming herself. He stopped her at the door, pulling her into an embrace and gazing intently into her eyes. "I finally got back to you. I'm not gonna lose you!"
TBC
Next chapter will have more action as Sam and Alta go on the run and Samuel and Christian make a move.
Please comment or review. I love to know what you think… Many thanks for the comments and alerts and favorites so far. It keeps me going. I'm honored that you like my story.