Not allowed to love you
Prompt: falling in love with their best friend's partner au
Published on September 1st 2014
Part 1
Emma was friend with Milah for fifteen years, since they met in the primary school, and she knew her well enough to know how Milah reacts when someone wants something or someone that was hers. But no. Emma didn't want something. Not even someone. She would never want something that is already Milah's.
What the hell is she saying?!
She wants that. She wants something that Milah already has. She wants someone that Milah already has.
She never intended to fall in love with Killian, she never intended to kiss him when she was drunk and she knows that she made a big mistake when she done that but she just found that Neal cheated on her and after they broke up, she wanted to have a drink, or two, or three. But he was there and at that moment she already felt something for him. So when he came and asked her if she need company, she just said "Why not?!" They had a few drinks together and when he took her home, she couldn't resist, because he was so close to her and she was drunk, so she kissed him.
She wanted to stop when he did not react, but right when she was prepared to take a step back, he kissed her back. She felt good in that moment. His kiss made her feel good and she was sure that when he pressed his lips on hers she felt something coming from him. But they realized that that was very wrong so they broke the kiss and Killian left. That night, it was the first time when she dreamed about Killian Jones.
Yet, the next day she felt horrible. She felt horrible because she kissed her best friend's boyfriend, she felt horrible because she knew she should've not do that and she felt horrible because the next day Killian was cold with her. And she had a very bad hangover.
It's been three months since that night and they never talked about the kiss. On the contrary, Milah told her that in the last three months, her relation with Killian was better than ever and she started to believe that what she felt when he kissed her back, was actually something that she felt and she thought it was from him.
Now she was sad, alone and she knew that she will never have what Milah and Killian have. She will never have him. She will never have someone to kiss her like Killian kisses Milah, she will never feel how she felt when Killian kissed her. And she could lose her best friend if she would find out about the kiss.
What could she do now?
Her cousin, Mary Margaret sent her a message a few weeks ago and told her that if she wants to spend the summer out of Storybrooke she could go to spend it with her in New York. Maybe she should do that. Maybe she should spend a few weeks out of Storybrooke and maybe when she will come back she will feel better. Maybe she will meet someone in New York.
Emma thought a few more minutes and in the end she decided. She will go in New York and she will try to forget Killian.
Now she had to talk with Milah about this.
"Hey Emma!" Milah said when they met thirty minutes later. "What happened?"
"Hey. I just wanted to talk with you." Emma said nonchalantly.
"Oh? It's everything okay?" Her friend looked confused at her.
No, it's not. I'm in love with your boyfriend. And by the way, I kissed him a few months ago.
"Yes. I just wanted to tell you that I won't be here this summer."
"Why?!"
"I'm going in New York to spend some time with my cousin."
Please don't ask why.
"Why?"
Really? Why you have to do this so hard?
"Well… It's been some time since the last time we saw each other and a summer spend with her is exactly what we need." Emma told her, hoping that Milah will believe her. Emma was close to Mary Margaret and they speak often, but Milah didn't know that.
"Oh. I hoped we will spend some time together this summer. But it's okay, I'll have Killian."
"Sure." Emma said smiling at her. "I hope you'll have a great time together."
"Thank you, Emma. When will you leave?"
"Tonight." She said quickly. She realized that if she would leave today, she won't have time to change her mind.
"Tonight? But it's so soon!"
"I know. But she said she wants to go at a festival tomorrow and she wants me to go with her."
"Okay, then." Milah hugged her. "I hope you'll have a great time with your cousin!"
"Yeah. Me too!" She said smiling back.
Emma went back home right after that to be sure that she will find tickets for a flight to New York.
It's been five hour, but Emma finally had everything prepared. She found a flight to New York and she had to be at the airport in two hours so now she just looked again in her room to be sure that she took everything with her. Milah called her when she was back home because she wanted to ask Emma if she needed help with her things, but Emma refused telling that she won't take many things and she won't need help.
When Emma was sure she had everything prepared, she heard a knock on the door. She didn't expect anyone, so she had a shock when she opened the door and she saw Killian.
"Wh-what are you doing here?" She asked still shocked.
"Milah told me you are leaving. It is true?" He asked her, ignoring her question.
"Yeah."
"Why?"
"To spend time with my cousin." She simply said taking a step back and letting him entering in the small apartment.
"That's what Milah said." He said looking at her.
"Then what are you doing here?" She asked again. "You don't believe what your girlfriend said?" Emma asked a bit harsh and she almost regrets it. Almost.
"I did. But I wanted to hear you saying it. Now, why don't you tell me the truth? I promise I won't tell Milah."
"This is the truth Killian." She turned her back at him and he grabbed her hand.
"Emma?"
"What?! What do you want from me, Killian?"
"I want to know why you are leaving the town. And I know you haven't told me the truth. Maybe a part of it, but not all."
"That is the truth. If you don't like it, fine." She tried to look at him, but her eyes refused to leave the floor.
"Emma?"
She hated him. She hated him so much right now. She could fell how he started to read her. She refused to look in his eyes, but she knew he is reading her. She hoped he won't realize the truth, but deep down, she knew he will, and this thought brought tears in her eyes.
"Emma…?" She knew they had to speak sometime about what happen, so why not now, if he was already there?
"Why? Why you were so cold with me all this time?" She knew that if she would talk more, her voice will break.
"Emma… That… That kiss… was…" He couldn't finish because she stopped him.
"I know. It was a mistake. I understood that the next day when you started to be cold with me. I understood it was a mistake. But you were like that three months. Not a few days, not a week, not a few weeks. Months, Killian! Why?" This time she looked in his eyes.
"Emma I kissed you back that night."
"And then you avoided me."
"Because I have a girlfriend, Emma." He looked tired and she couldn't understand why.
"You could at least talk with me!"
"I am sorry, Emma." Killian tried to excuse his behavior, but Emma didn't want an apology, she wanted an explanation.
"I just want to know why."
"Because… because…" He looked in her eyes and then stopped.
"Because what?" She asked back.
"Emma listen. When you kissed me, you took me by surprise, but then not even twenty seconds later, I realized that it felt good. To have you kissing me, felt good and then I wanted to kiss you back, so I did it. It felt good and right to kiss you and it was better that kissing Milah. Then I realized something, I didn't know at that moment, but I did it in that night. I realized that I started to have feelings for you, but I was, I am, in a relationship with Milah. She was your friend for a very long time and I knew that if I will talk with you about that kiss, you will feel guilty -"
"You don't know how I would've feel." She interrupted him.
"Let me finish. I thought you will feel guilty and you will try to blame all the alcohol we had that night. So I thought that it will be better if we won't talk about the kiss. I cared about you all this time. I still do! I didn't want to avoid you, or be cold with you, Emma."
"But you were!"
"And I'm sorry!"
Emma didn't look at him. She didn't know what to say. He just told her that he cared about her. That is all she wanted all this time, but now… Now that she actually heard him saying it, it felt wrong. She remembered how Milah talked about her relation with him and how much she loved him. It was wrong to have feelings for him, she knew that, but it was even worse for him to have feelings for her. He had a girlfriend!
Emma looked at the clock and she realized that in an hour and a half she had to be at the airport. She looked back at him and she spoke.
"I have to go."
"You're really going in New York."
"I haven't lied when I said I'm going there to spend my summer with my cousin." Emma told him.
"But you lied when you told me why."
"You already knew that!" This time Emma admitted that she lied. She knew he will be able to tell if she was lying again and she was tired after this entire thing that happened in the last thirty minutes.
"Tell me the truth." Killian said looking straight in her eyes. "Please."
"I think you should leave, Killian."
"Emma, please!" Killian begged her again.
"You want to know the truth Killian? You want to know why I want to leave?!" This time Emma was nervous and she started to scream at him. "I want to leave because I have feelings for you for more than three moths! I want to leave because I don't want to spend my whole summer looking at you and Milah being a happy couple, because when I see you together, I can't stop thinking that I would never have that! You would never look at me like you look at her! You would never kiss me again, because the first time it was a mistake that will never repeat. I just can't stay here watching you because I wish it was me the one you kiss and hug, not Milah!" She said everything quickly without thinking, but she didn't regret. She said what was true and she could see on his face that he understood that this was the truth.
Emma turned her back at him, took her bag and then looked again at him. All this time Killian stood frozen in his place.
"I'd appreciate if you would leave now. I have to go."
"Stay." Was all he said.
"No. I just told you I can't."
"Emma…"
"No, Killian! Now please, get out." She told him harshly.
Killian turned his back and get out of her apartment. He let the door open, so she was able to see him when he turned to look again at her and she could see he was sad. But Emma didn't care. She was like that for more, he would go at his girlfriend who will kiss him and he won't be sad any more. But she? She won't have someone to hold her.
Emma exited from the apartment ten minutes later, when she was sure that he was gone, she entered in her car and she left. All the way to the airport she was nervous, but when she was finally in the airplane she let the tears fall.