#49 – 'Inner thoughts' part one by Larlar.

Disclaimer: I do not own South Park or any of its characters.

Author notes: God! Sorry it's been so long since I posted anything to this – I fail, huh?! Well, I'm back now and with a request by Milkweedhawthorn. Now! I'm cheating just a tad here and doing two for this one theme; Partly because I couldn't decide which POV to do this from, partly because I thought it worked better that way and partly because that gives me fifty-six drabbles which is easier to divide by two is hit I like this okay – I haven't written anything like this in so long and I've only grown more and more nervous about coming back to this challenge again the more I tried. I guess what I want to say is in a way, this is my own 'do or die'. I hope I did okay. We're starting with Craig's POV and I'll post them together, so PLEASE, review both? Thank you!

xox

Years.

I think it's been years, anyway.

I'm not sure, I've spent too long trying to convince myself I'm wrong in as many different ways as I could that I lost track of time somewhere along the line.

Doesn't matter. Today's the day.

The ones before don't matter and the ones after...

If I think about those too much, I think I'll go crazy.

Not that I'm a stranger to taking risks, but then there are risks and there are risks.

Like the ones you look back on when you're older and realize just how stupid you were to jump off that high-wall and trust the two feet of snow to save you or go skating on the thin ice on this lake and believe in its ability to stay solid when you're a kid.

You're immortal when you're a kid – those risks don't count.

This though... There are real risks here.

Life changing in a way that will last for as long as you're still breathing, whatever the result.

Living with your actions is a hell of a lot harder than dying because of them – Kenny told me that once.

I thought he'd just hit his head one too many times but now I think about it...

I guess I can understand.

Doesn't make me feel any better about what I'm about to do, but at this point, I don't see that I have a choice.

Do or die.

Maybe not literally, but it feels that way.

Try or lie, that feels better.

All these lies when we're together when he asks what I'm thinking or what I want to do or why I am looking at him that way...

By the end of the day I will either have Tweek Tweak in the way I want... No, need him, or I won't have him at all.

And trust me, right now?

I don't have him anyway.

He's there and I'm there but there's nothing the connect us like there used to be. No endless conversations about nothing, no silly secrets between best friends, no us in the way it had been for so many years.

It's not the same anymore.

Sometimes, you just have to do something, you know?

Okay, maybe that doesn't make much sense, but if you've been there, you'll know what I mean.

A thing, an opportunity, a person... Something will come along and you won't be able to not go for it, no matter the risks or the hurt or the stupidity involved, basically.

Might take you a while to realize that, but that time will come and you'll 'do or die' because that's about the only choice you'll have.

My time has come and Tweek Tweak is that person.

I'm going to try.

Because I love him too much to lie to him anymore.