Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, et al.
Author's Note: Thanks for reading. I appreciate your time and comments!
Chapter 11 – Round Here – Part 3 of 4
As I walked up the steps to the fourth floor I had one giant hope: that I would be able to offer Derek some encouragement if he needed it. I liked to think that's why he wanted to see me, that is wasn't for something surgical, which is hilarious to ponder, the fact that I, Meredith Grey, wanted to be there for something more. As I jogged up the last flight of steps my heart began to beat faster and faster and the energy and inertia of the events of the last hour were somehow propelling me into the future, rather than forcing me into the shell of my former self.
Suddenly, I wanted more from Derek and I wanted to give more to him and this was unchartered territory for me – to expect more and to give more – but for some reason I felt like it was time, time to let go of the old wounds, time to open myself up, even if there was a possibility of being hurt again, for once in my life, I felt like it all might be worth it. It was as if watching Cristina battle her demons of abandonment only strengthened my resolve and desire to fight my own. But truth be told, I had an unnerving feeling of unrest churning in my stomach knowing that there was one unresolved matter I needed to attend to, and quickly. If anything, the events of the day necessitated this change and I would have to deal with it as soon as tomorrow.
I walked through the threshold of the stairwell and headed for the Nurses' Station in hopes of finding Derek when I spotted him enter one of the conference rooms along the outer side of the long hallway up ahead. My heart quickened, I couldn't get look at his face, but his shoulders seemed to be raised and just from his stance I could tell he was carrying the weight of the world on his broad shoulders. I headed down the hallway and was at the doorway in about two seconds. The door to the room was slightly ajar and I was about to lightly tap on it when I heard the Chief's voice.
"There's never a good place to hide in this hospital," came his somber voice.
"I'm trying to get perspective. Everything feels enormous. Like it's all just...I ...I can't get perspective," Derek said just above a whisper.
"Twenty-five years ago, I had a secret affair with...Ellis Grey. And today, I found out that my wife knew the entire time. There was no ... secret. And she stayed with me," he boldly confessed.
"Hmm. Can I ask you if you've thought about telling Meredith?" Derek asked hesitantly.
"Not until recently, but with her mother's mind working the way it is, she'll find out in no time, and I think she should hear it from me," he said solemnly.
"That's a wise idea, she's been … you're right she's worried about it, this affair, I don't think she knows it was you though," Derek said softly.
"Hmmm … I feel terrible about her childhood, how things must have been for her, how things ended for all of us," the Chief offered sadly.
"You should tell her and soon, I'm ah … I'm still in love with Meredith, when the divorce is final … we'll finally be able to be with each other, the timing could work out perfectly if, you know, well and given our past, I'm sure you can appreciate that I don't want your secret on my shoulders … I um, I have enough on my plate at the moment," Derek said with haste.
"I'll talk to her, when the time is right; it's my responsibility to do that, in light of her mother's condition. So, why are you hiding?" the Chief inquired.
"Dr. Burke...I...I respect him. He's decent. He's honorable. He's an arrogant ass who just hogs the OR but thinks he's God, but...he's decent and he's honorable. I respect him. He's one of the foremost cardiothoracic surgeons in the country and I've gotta just ... it's his hand. I cannot get perspective. I can't do this. I can't be responsible for it," Derek confessed.
"Preston's an honorable and decent man, but, Derek, so are you. You are honorable and decent. And you're too honorable and decent to run …like I did all those years ago," the Chief said sternly.
As I stood there and listened to their confessions my heart went wild trying to absorb the shock of it all. It was one thing to speculate, but quite another to hear the Chief's confession out loud. That he was with my mother … and he left her … of course, I knew her heart was broken, but from what it sounded like … the Chief was heart-broken too. And Derek, what could I do to allay his reservations? To help give him the perspective he was looking for?
It all felt so big, but this is the stuff of relationships, and if I was in it, I was in it. No looking back, second chances and risks still hung in the air. Before I knew what I was doing I pushed the door open and stepped into the doorway. Both men looked up and squinted from the bright fluorescent light that infiltrated their mutual hiding place.
"He's right, you know," I said to Derek softly from my spot.
"Meredith," Derek sighed, smiling with his eyes, his relief over my presence was evident without words.
"How long have you been there?" the Chief wondered to himself aloud.
"Long enough," I said cautiously.
In that moment, I looked at the Chief, not as my boss, but as the man who my mother loved enough to end her marriage over. And as I did, I saw for the first time, that the way he seemed to always look at me was not because I reminded him of my mother, as much as I reminded him of what he lost or gave up or ran from all those years ago. I turned my gaze to Derek then and realized how blessed I was that he had the fortitude to change his life, his path, his destiny … that he was not running from his love for me ... rather he was embracing it. I smiled.
The Chief stood and walked towards me. "We'll hash all of this out … and soon," he said as he patted my shoulder with one of his large warm hands, his brown eyes scanned mine – back and forth – and then he exited the room, quietly closing the door behind him.
I stood just inside the doorway for a second allowing my eyes to adjust to the dim, filtered light within the small room. Derek stood and I took a couple shorts steps over to him and landed straight in his embrace. I inhaled his familiar scent, allowing myself a moment within his arms to still my racing heart. I was home in arms. He was safe. He was home in my arms. We were safe. It was all I could say to myself as I got lost in his arms and in his heartbeat as it thumped wildly into my ear. It felt like I hadn't seen him in years, even though it had just been hours.
He pulled back from our hug first and swept his hands through my hair. "Hi," he smiled widely, his eyes shining albeit the dull light.
"Hi," I choked out. I leaned up and kissed him lightly on his soft lips, pumping once, twice, because I just couldn't help myself.
"Come here and sit," he suggested.
We sat down on the couch and Derek just stared at me. I had so much running through my mind – so much between Burke, Cristina, my mother, the Chief, Derek and my desperate search for him – like I said, it was almost too much. Tears suddenly sprung from my eyes, popping over as they went, streaking my face with their residue. Derek sighed and reached over and pulled me to him. I willingly went pliant in his arms and let him hold me, hold me tight.
"Meredith, it's okay, we're all okay … Burke's gonna be fine, he may not come out of this thing one-hundred percent, but damn close to it, I just need to do my best, keep it in check, he's at eighty percent now, which isn't good enough," he said trying to soothe both of us with his words, but I couldn't help but think about how brainless he was sometimes.
I pulled back from him and smiled. He wiped my tears away with his thumbs; I leaned over and kissed him. "You know, it's just overwhelming, all of it, what happened with the shooting and all the victims and Cristina and Burke, my mother and the Chief," I chuckled. "But none of that is as overwhelming as the thought of being without you, Derek … that's what put me over the edge today," tears clouded my eyes with my admission and blurred my vision of him, if only for a second before they fell onto my face.
"I was so worried when I heard that gunshot, I needed to see you," he said, his voice raspy.
"It was the same for me," I offered. "I want to talk to you more about that, but you know, I'm bound to get emotional and I know you have Burke's surgery and I want you to be able to focus on that – get the perspective you need – but tonight, even if we don't have that much time before tomorrow, will you stay with me?" I asked softly. "I have to go home – I have to – I don't have a choice, I have to get something before tomorrow…," I stopped myself from rambling. "But if Burke's stable enough, will you? Come and stay with me?" I asked, my cheeks turning pink as I spoke.
"Yes, yes … you're amazing," he chuckled and I blushed even more. "No blushing, you are, after today, there is no place I would rather be, but with you," he said sincerely and I knew he meant it.
Derek leaned forward again and captured my lips with his, instinctually I opened my mouth and deepened our kiss, his tongue darted into my depths and even though we were just kissing my whole body became warm like a smoldering, crackling wild fire that was poised to burn up acres and acres of land ... I simply could not get enough of him. I pulled away and Derek stole my breath one last time with his dark blue impassioned eyes, I smiled and felt like all my problems just washed over me, his kisses cleansed me and cleaned me and healed me like nothing else.
"So, is there anything I can do?" I said once I found my voice again. "For you, for Burke … anything at all?" I asked, standing up. I offered my hand to him and pulled him to me with one fluid motion, he reflexively wrapped his arms around me.
Derek sighed heavily into my hair, warming me with his breath. "No, other than keeping Cristina in the right frame of mind, Burke's gonna need her, he's speaking with her now. I think … I think he's apprehensive," he sighed. "So am I … he could lose all function in his arm, one small mistake and it would be over for him, as a surgeon …," Derek rambled on, but I took his skull in my hands and he looked down straight into my eyes, his unwavering gaze locked on mine.
"You can do this, Derek," I whispered and brought his lips to mine, kissing him fully. "If anyone can bring Dr. Burke back from almost getting his arm blown off, it's you Derek, you're a genius … don't you already know that?" I kidded lightly.
"Hmm … I guess I forgot," he said with a small unconvincing smile.
"How could you?" I teased. "I mean you changed your whole life just to be with me," I laughed.
"And that makes me a genius?" he smirked, craning his neck down to pump my lips.
"Something like that," I said into his mouth, deepening our kiss – because what else was I gonna do – our proximity was intoxicating and he was there for the taking.
We walked to the door. "Lets see how things are going for Cristina with Burke, he may want to wait, but I think we need to go in and at least see what we are dealing with," he said solemnly. He released my hand from his grasp and kissed me once more, his lips lingering on mine for a split second, before we exited the privacy of our enclave, together.
***
Several hours later I waited with Cristina in the scrub room outside Burke's OR. Everything seemed to be going well. So far, Cristina seemed to be fine. She wavered slightly when we finally met up with her in Burke's room, but I kind of forced her to stay in there while Derek and Burke agreed to a course of action.
"Cristina, how are you?" I asked cautiously.
"I don't know, I'm numb, I can't get perspective here," she said with a tiny scoff, still unable to believe this was actually happening.
"You sound like Derek," I said, a small smile playing on my lips. "He said the same thing," I offered.
"Hmm … I know he's good enough, it's just the risks, the complications, whatever, just let it be over and then we can see what we're dealing with," she pleaded quietly, never moving her eyes from the OR.
"We?" I asked unable to hide my surprise, smiling again.
"Yeah, we," she breathed.
As I watched the surgery with her, a tidal wave of "what if's" crashed over my mind. I so desperately wanted to be in the moment with Cristina, but my thoughts wandered and I couldn't help but wonder what I would feel like in her shoes. Surely I wouldn't be able to breathe, surely I would feel lost, surely I would die a slow miserable death if anything ever happened to Derek.
Soon enough the depths of my feelings would be revealed to Derek; that I had fallen deeply in love with him again in a maelstrom of circumstances, risks and second chances ... our coming together was imminent now, a matter of a day or two at best. But perhaps even more important than the timing was the fact that I wasn't entirely scared of how big those feelings were … that even now, I wouldn't change a thing, not even the vulnerability I felt at this moment and not all that it took to get me here either.
I made a sidelong glance at Cristina, it hardly seemed like she was breathing at all and I thought about how wonderful it would be tonight when I could finally breath again too … alone with Derek in the solace of my room, safe and sound at home. If Cristina was in a good enough place later, there was nothing more I would rather do. I glanced down at my watch, by the time Burke was safely in recovery, we would indeed have just enough time us to talk about today and what I wanted to do tomorrow and unwind, relax and maybe even sleep for a couple of hours too.
I looked up and without warning there was a bustling of activity inside the OR, something was amiss … that all too familiar busy nervous energy was percolating in the room. Derek and the Chief looked up at the monitors, Derek barked an order and then I heard the Chief boom with one of his own.
"Can you tell what's going on?" I asked Cristina, trying not to voice my alarm.
"No, I'm going in there," she said strongly as she grabbed a surgical mask from the nearby stack. Her intense eyes darted around mine as she made an attempt to tie the mask around her face. Her hands shaking were slightly and an unraveling worry was etched deep within her typically smooth face.
"No, don't, let them –" I started to speak, but Derek waved in our direction so I quickly grabbed a mask, donned it and both Cristina and I walked into the busy OR.
"Cristina, I have to do a wake-up test, he's coming out of consciousness, I need to test his nerves," Derek spoke to her without taking his eyes off of Burke.
I watched as Cristina followed Derek's instruction and moved closer to Burke's head. I followed her in case she couldn't handle the pressure, just to back her up.
"Okay, Yang? You're up," Derek said.
"Oh ... what do you need me to do?" she asked timidly, a tone I had never heard her use before.
"When he comes to he's going to be disoriented and he's probably gonna fight the intubation. We can't numb the arm because we need him to move his fingers. So, he's gonna be in a lot of pain. We need you to keep him focused, okay?" he instructed.
"Okay. Yeah," she said slightly unsure.
"Ok, let's, let's wake him up," Derek ordered.
"Burke, it's Cristina. I'm sorry. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Burke. Baby, wake up. Do it for me, open your eyes," Burke opened his eyes at the sound of her voice. "Hi!" she exclaimed softly, her eyes shining as she spoke.
I felt an overwhelming sense of relief, but that quickly diminished when I saw Burke try to fight the intubation.
"Cristina, get in there! Get in his face! Talk to him, Cristina!" Derek instructed forcefully. I saw her hedge and shift on her feet.
"Yang!" the Chief shouted as Cristina remained frozen with fear and insecurity.
Reflexively, I took a step forward and put my hands firmly on her shoulders. "Get in there. Hold him down. Hold him down. Calm him down. Cristina, you can do this, this is Burke," I coached her forcefully. She heaved a sigh and then focused again.
"Burke? Burke, look at me. Look at me. Right here. Listen, listen. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Listen, there was a complication. Derek can fix it. We need you to move your fingers on your right side. Can you do that? Come on, you can do this," she said loudly, he still tried to fight her, but his eyes were locked on hers, he wouldn't even blink, they were in a zone for sure. "Look at me. Look at me. On your right hand. Okay? I know, I know. It's just you and me," she coached loudly, unwilling to give up. "We can do this. Okay. Come on. Focus. Focus. Now you're going to move your fingers on your right hand. Can you do that? Come on, Burke. You can do it. Move your fingers. Move your fingers. Come on. Come on. Come on, come on, come on, come on," she chanted.
I held my breath along with everyone else in the OR. I held my breath for Burke and Cristina and the Chief and Derek because he just had to move those fingers – for the love of medicine and all of these people I cared about so much – he had to. In that moment, I am not sure if I had ever prayed so hard and so intensely with a purpose before in my life. As she chanted her command over and over and over again, all I could do was chant too and then like a ray of hope: he moved those magical, life-saving fingers, ever so slightly, touching each finger to his thumb. With that, Cristina turned to me and her waiting tears popped over her eyes and began to soak her surgical mask and I swear I had never seen a more genuine emotion cross over her eyes in all the time I had known her.
I slowly backed away from the table and glanced quickly at Derek, his eyes met mine for a split second, and that was all I needed. It was all I needed in that moment, one brief moment in our bubble was all I needed to quell my fears and calm my heart.
"You did good," I heard Derek say to Cristina.
I was struck by his choice of words, my heart lurched into my throat and – a fleeting thought of Dylan raced in and out of my head – I smiled, would my encounter with him ever stop reminding me about taking risks, going after what I wanted, and taking bold second chances? I hoped not.
It seemed my new ideals permeated to those around me and that suited me just fine … everyone seemed, stronger, different. George's voice, Izzie and Alex making it work together. Maybe it was them or just my view of things since I began this journey, but whatever it was, I would take it. I sighed with relief, Cristina did it, she may be scared to death, but she did it … she did good.
Chapter 11 – Round Here – Part 4 of 4 to follow.