Gravity (Wolf's Rain)
'That is often what happens when one loses a loved one.'
"Loving a loved one?" Pitch repeated after him, questioning before answering himself in an almost proud but absolutely enraged matter. "Jack was fucking everything Sanderson! Not just another loved one..." He calmed down just as quickly as he burned up and slunk back from other man, head shaking viciously before he pulled himself up to full height with a new burst of determination pulsing through him. "And I'll be damned before I lose him!" He pushes his way past the shorter man who immediately smiles and waves to Pitch. Instead of taking the time to feel sorry about himself and do nothing, he was actually taking action and trying to pull his relationships back together...Sanderson allowed himself a tiny applause after Pitch slammed the front door shut from the outside.
And then ripped itself back open as Pitch returned in a rush, quickly dashing upstairs to retrieve the most precious thing in his possession to take with him – almost as an afterthought – before rapidly moving back downstairs.
'And with that, my work here is done.' Sanderson thought as he typed out one last message to Pitch before he left, not quite caring whether he got it or not but still wanting to make sure the taller man was still in a sane state of mind. "Don't drive like a nutcase. I know you are a nutcase but don't drive like one. And wear a seat belt."
Considering the fact that the car took more then ten seconds to fully drive off at an insane speed, he'd say he did his part.
Now was the business of collecting those books.
Pitch parked his car directly outside the Frost residence – taking careful time to fix himself up in the mirror as best he could, sizable bandages he often kept in the glove compartment 'just in case' finally being put to good use on the less then unnoticeable at first glance cut on his wrist. He silently hoped Jack wouldn't see it but didn't hope for much – Jack was young, he certainly wasn't blind.
The rather cloudy sky was rapidly changing from its morning bright morning blue to a strange mixture of burnt orange and miscellaneous intense reds and midnight purple. 'Surely... couldn't have spent that much time getting the shit kicked out of me by Sanderson?' He pinched his lips together in distaste and thought but remembered how terrible he was at guessing the approximate time just as he ran his hands over his face and examined himself in the side car door mirror – a heavy weight left his shoulders.
Not that many bruises on his face aside from a split and bruised lip – he licked at it before leaving the car.
In a concerned haste regarding him and Jack's well being he quickly swept himself up the steps of the porch and knocked impatiently, but lightly, on the door of the home.
It swung open almost immediately to show a rather blithesome and sweet faced Katherine in jeans and a light blue t-shirt, looking more like a teenager then Jack did half the time. "Oh Pitch!" She said happily, opening the door for him to come in. "I guess your visiting Jack again?"
If she noticed that Pitch looked like he just got mugged, he was thankful she didn't make it the topic of conversation. Pitch assumed that it must be her own experiences of being beaten, her own abusive past, that may have desensitized her to seeing others looking battered.
"Um, no." For the first time in a long time he was actually fumbling around his words, trying to think of what to say. "I just came to invite Jack for extra study that one of the college teachers is offering." He hoped that in her obviously sober state she wouldn't deliberate too hard on what he was saying and mine him for any more information – especially with his current state of appearance.
"Oh okay, give me a second – husband's sleeping in the other room." He wasn't sure whether that was Katherine propositioning him or just some random fact that she thought he needed to know. He prayed it was the latter – as attractive and loving as Katherine seemed he wanted no romantic involvement with her. The housewife quickly left the door half open, striding towards the door that lead to his beloved's room – Pitch watched her carefully while he looked around the living room.
No signs of a struggle or anything would point to William even attempting to hurt Jack. It was a good start but he still wanted to see his white-haired beloved just to be sure.
Sure enough, the young high-schooler came downstairs with his mouth half open as he looked towards Pitch with disbelief. The older man exhaled happily, he appeared to be fine. No broken bones, no blood stains. Nothing.
He had even changed his clothes to something that was much more appropriately 'Jack' – sweatshirt, loose fitting jeans, no real accessories.
Good.
Everything was good.
Nervously Jack approached the older man, slipping on some sandals by his door way as he passed and looking at Pitch tentatively. "Hey, Pitch..." it was a low, quiet voice that was near a whispering tone. "Umm...what?" He gestured to the older man in a hopeful skepticism. He finished the sentence mentally, 'What are you doing here?'
There was so much to talk about, so much he actually wanted to break down and say right now but Katherine's ever-obvious presence broke the mood and enforced a sense of caution – a need to keep on lying about his intentions. It was times like this where he wished he and Jack could go public sooner rather then in three long, tortuously painful months.
He noticed the rather stunningly extended pause he put in between him answering Jack's question while looking directly at him in a less then decent way. In a wanting way. Not good. Katherine was just about to start giving him looks until he gave what he deemed to be a sufficient answer. "Bonus study time." He gave a rapid and flawless delivery on the white lie but didn't spend time dwelling on it, instead Pitch gave Jack the sweetest eyes he could as he approached, trying to relay his emotions as best he could. 'I want to talk to you', 'I want to make things right', 'I'm sorry'.
"Ummm..." He sent Katherine a questioning gaze before receiving a nod and giving them both a tiny smile. "Sure, let me just get my phone..."
A burden of relief washed over him and his features and he let himself unwind just a tiny bit as Jack seemed to step away, hasty to retrieve his cellphone from his room. "I'll be waiting for you in the car then." He yelled after Jack with a noise of delight hidden in his voice, disregarding the flash of displeasure shown on Katherine's features – if she was honestly irritated by his long pause during answering she would have glared then, not now. 'Well good...hard part's over.'
–
Pitch tried not to seem more nervous then he actually was – what he was doing now felt like the equivalent of a suicide mission even though he knew Jack and he knew the truth about September...he was still terrified about it.
Though if he took a moment to think when in fact, when was he not? When was he not afraid of looking at the calender just because of that dreaded month when his life might as well have turned to ruins around him? When was he not dancing on emotional pins and needles trying to keep his life straight whenever the time came?
'Never.' He answered himself mentally and realized briefly that the neighboring front seat of the vehicle was actually empty with Jack awkwardly standing outside his window, shirting his weight from foot to foot. He looked up with 'The People's Eyebrow' and got a painful sigh in response.
"Pitch I can't." The young icicle haired teen said with a diminutive shake of his head, arms crossed. "I mean...Mary, you, my parents, my life Pitch." he explained, voice becoming more and more exasperated as he went on and the older lover felt inexplicably guilty though none of the madness was focused on him. "I have to focus on my life for right now okay?" His voice almost sunk down into a whisper. "I feel like everything's...falling apart a little and I need to fix it or else..." He let his voice trail off.
He spent his entire life trying to keep everything from falling apart – trying to keep the police out and the family together. He didn't want it to all be ruined now when it felt more normal and more survivable. The word needed to say such though, lingered on his tongue like an awful taste. Without any significant words to say between them that annoying, all too familiar silence that had disappeared for such a long length of time now returned with a vengeance.
It stretched on and on without a clearly visible end with Jack kind of half-wanting to take it back and hop in the car, but not wanting to go back on his word since he already felt as though he had already gone back on too much and half-wanting for Pitch to kind of drag him in, push him to come with...and unbeknownst to him Pitch actually wanted to do the latter.
But Pitch refused to do that because it was the same exact thing that got them into this fight in the first place and so they just let the silence stretch on for as long as they could, but of them avoiding all types of eye contact and freely letting their skin itch with the bothersome awkwardness that filled the air, neither capable of gathering the boldness required to actually try to do something.
And for some reason...that pissed Jack off on a basic level. What got him here anyway? The unwillingness to explain his relationship to Mary and keep on facing Pitch. The same weakness that was currently making this angering silence.
He took a deep breath. "So yeah." Just those two words took a heavy toll in meta-physical strength to say and he prayed that he was making the right decision...
To go back inside his house and pretend none of this ever happened. "I'm gonna go no-"
"Jack, you know that I know what you're going through..." Pitch said without warning, hints of sadness and sympathy sprinkled throughout his statement as he tried to actually translate his emotions correctly – he didn't want to be misunderstood like last time.
"N-No..." The embarrassment and shame was coming back full force and he couldn't find it in him to concede to Pitch. He stayed on the defensive more out of pride then any sense of actually needing to defend himself, knowing that Pitch wasn't assaulting or insulting his pride or him in any way, shape or form. "You don't...you never have- and I wish you would stop acting like it."
Pitch shut his eyes tightly and took a noisy inhale of warm breath through his nose. That stung and hurt, not because Jack was resisting his advances to talk but because it was a reminder that everything was not fine. He had lived in this relationship, put his all in fooling himself with the lie that Jack was just some how knew his every thought or action – or at the very least knew about September. It was comforting to think that he didn't have to explain himself when he didn't want to and so he idealized the young man before him..."...Jack, come here." He reached out the window towards the young man who stepped back, trying his keep himself calm and relaxed.
"Pitch, can you just stop?" His voice raised against his will, a life living with William and trying to defend both him and his mother now clearly oozing through the cracks like blood on a graze – he was just holding all these emotions in from everything from his family to Pitch to himself to Jamie. He didn't want to defend himself, it was like caring for Mary and...wanting to be with Pitch. Just second nature for him now. "I just can't..."
It felt like the honest truth. He felt like he was a glutton for getting hurt and harmed by the people around him and now he was just bursting over with it. He didn't think Pitch would come back to him – he didn't think that he would be standing he right now, having this conversation of Pitch trying to urge him into his car so they could actually have a real discussion about early this morning.
Pitch moved himself over to the passenger's seat and reached through the window, fingers just brushing against Jack's skin before the teen stepped back again, lowering his head to stare at the concrete instead of anywhere near Pitch. "Jack I watched you..."
He already knew how weird that sounded, how crazy and dementedly stalker-ish that appeared to really be but he didn't care – Jack would either leave his life now and he'd die inside or he'd know the truth. That was the beginning and the end of it on the older man's side. "Almost every time you walked past the cafe with your little sister, when he headed straight to school."
"Great." He shrugged without meaning to and feigned raised eyebrows, still refusing to make eye contact. "You stalked me. That's great..." Then he squinted in thought and chuckled self-deprecatingly. He didn't see this coming, it was upsetting his emotional balance – or at least all the balance he thought he had before today, he wasn't sure whether he wanted to go back inside or go with Pitch and really, he wasn't sure where either path would lead him.
Unsure, exhausted on a level that surpassed his physical tiredness and not able to find his footing...defensiveness just kept on coming, it was his only real option. He had no idea what else to do. "So you literally followed me home from school or-"
"Jack, that cafe has been a part of my daily routine for the past year..." A soft, truthful and gentle explanation that Jack just shook his head to, why did it hurt to try and keep listening to him?
"It doesn't matter." He raised his hands in surrender – to what he really didn't know – and began stepping back at a quicker pace with light shakes of his head. "Let's just...let's just forget this ever happened okay? I'll stop trying to meet you in the cafe and just tell my parents I didn't need a study partner anymore."
"..." Pitch stares dolefully at him for a time before frowning deeply, grasping at the precious item around his neck thoughtfully as if pleading for strength from some unseen source. "Jack...come with me to the cafe." He say it without opening his eyes and pulls himself back into the car, trying to bite back the painful waves of his own conflicting feelings and raging sadness.
He couldn't look Jack in the eye while he spoke. Something in him that was just barely holding together would break if he gazed into those twin snowflake eyes. What was the chance that telling Jack about September would actually fix things between them?
"Pitch." A plead to stop yanking heart strings and just let him go. He didn't want to be let go but be wanted this to just stop hurting.
"Please?...A few brief moments of your time are all I ask..." He couldn't even put any hint of influence in his voice and could only faintly hear the robotic twang it carried. Letting any feelings out now would just cause them to overflow. He didn't need to overflow on Jack right now – his beloved was already clearly reaching his limit.
"Pitc-"
He looks up at Jack with his immense need and golden star-like eyes that he swears feel like they are full of tears and god damn everything seems to break down at once, all over again just like last time and his voice cracks from the strain of it all. "Please."
He can't even feel his chest anymore, every part of him is burning up with a flame of twisting agony near his heart – he had no idea what to do. He wanted Pitch but oh god facing Pitc-
No. He took a deep breath and tried to summon all his courage and strength from bottom to top – trying to muster the level of bravery that he used to stand against William despite the two being completely different men. He grit his teeth and made a split second decision that had Pitch scrambling to move.
Jack stormily pushed himself inside the front driver's seat, nostrils flaring and taking massive breaths to try and keep the temporary emotional boost going. "Go. Drive. Please." He said as Pitch gathered himself in shock in the neighboring chair. "If you don't go now, I'm not sure I can ever even look at you again so just go."
"As you wish." Pitch buckled himself in and began his drive back to the Cafe.
–
The cheerless and quiet drive is much longer then they both could have predicted – Pitch believes so at least. The heavy, copious amounts of pliable tension is doing neither of them any favors much less making either one of them really want to stay in the car and music isn't playing since despite him actually enjoyingplaying music while driving he really has nothing that would help the mood – the last thing he wants Jack to hear coming from his stereo right now is some melancholy song about how difficult life is. And there's also the fact that, again, he sucks at estimating time.
Jack though, being the glorious social butterfly that he is does make an attempt at conversation. "So um...Pitch-"
"..." Pitch is too focused on driving to really show him the slightest bit of attention at the moment.
"Your wrist, did...did something happen to it?" Jack speaks, knowing full well that attempted suicide is really the most likely cause but wanting to believe that Pitch was stronger then that – that he could live without him if the need arose and that he wasn't going to kill himself because of their fight. Though judging by the rest of him, the bruises and the split lip it could just as well be that he got into a fight with someone on the way here.
A stressed out sigh signaled to Jack that Pitch wasn't actually deaf or going through some weird listening loss. In reality, he really was just ignoring him – but only because Pitch had no idea how to answer, no idea as to what he could say that would alleviate the mood or give an answer that didn't sound something like 'I got into a fight with a razorblade...on my wrist', as darkly funny and nonsensical as it would've sounded.
He just doesn't know how to respond...and so he doesn't.
He does know though that eventually, with what the dark clouds in the air promised earlier, rain came. Luckily it was gentle as they came to a stop with no reason to get out any umbrellas or hoods yet. As he pulled the keys from the ignition and shoved them in his back pocket, he licked over his lips and questioned himself. 'Are you actually ready to talk about this?'.
And a damn good question it was with the only sane answer he could give being NO. He glanced at Jack through the corner of his eye. 'Just because it was hard didn't mean he wasn't going to try.' Jack at least had a right to know...
He could see the young teen getting antsy and restless, eyes somewhat trembling back and forth in their sockets and his hands rubbing the opposite arms in a cradle. Pitch pulled himself out and helped Jack escape from the rain and into the quiet haven of their original meeting place – where it all sort of...started really.
Jack lets Pitch lead, unsure of everything right now and feeling too wounded, too damaged to try and lead anything right now. The other lover sees this and acts on it, leading the dazed boy by the hand insistently but at the same time gently and carefully. He didn't want him to feel forced in anyway. He sweeps him away to a booth away from the sparse and spread out reposeful people spread about the room – none of them looking like they were from town and all of them seeming to be older and reserved with the few that glanced around on doing so protectively.
Except for Toothiana who was, for no real reason wearing a bright blue and green sequence dress that made her gleam like a turned on light bulb under the fluorescent lights of the cafe – luckily she was dreaming peacefully in the back room, well hidden through the bright red curtains of hid the door between the kitchen and the rest of the cafe.
Pitch predicted that they wouldn't care if he had a hysterical, insane, overemotional crying fit here – therefore tonight's group was perfect.
As was their booth...it was in the perfect position. Right across from the relatively new parking lot that glared him in the face like a rotting wound. It was the same one their met at as well.
'History repeats itself...'He mused and took the window seat opposite Jack – he was looking less and less dazed by the minute with a tiny grin playing at the normally happy features. Pitch hoped that he too could see the deja vu.
They in complete silence for a moment that left Jack's skin itching and Pitch feeling off-balance with no real idea as to why but deciding he was tired of having to seat somewhere and be awkward around the man who should be his lover.
He raised his hand impatiently and a rather annoyed looking Bunnymund, his mood undoubtedly caused by Toothiana's decision that right now was just the perfect time to sleep, quickly rushed over to fulfill the quiet and concise order of coffees and plenty of sugar packets for the occasion.
As the waiter returned with the order Jack chose to speak now rather then later, his normal personality returning to him with haste. "I suppose that...we talk about it over coffee?"
A pleased nod from Pitch. He was glad Jack understood his intentions – it made everything feel a little bit more natural and normal despite the new water they were treading. He realized that he and Jack had never had an argument before – not one of any significant importance or urgency like this one anyway. Not one that involved storming out of houses to get away from each other...he wasn't sure whether or not this was their relationship progressing forward.
"So..." Jack interrupts Pitch's thinking without noticing and turns to face away from him, preferring t o look at the boring cream colored counter of the cafe. "Are you going to tell me why you brought me out here or...?" His self-protective second nature was coming back and really, Jack decided that maybe it'd be best if he just shut his mouth for now since he lacked the control needed to make his tone less volatile.
Pitch failed to be insulted or turned off by it, catching the moderate insincerity in the note of unfriendliness – Jack didn't mean to be like this. Not knowing quite how to respond he simply uses a single finger to trace the outer edge of his coffee cup, enjoying the feeling of steam on his fingertips before picking up at least three sugar packets and violently tearing them open with much more force then what was needed.
Jack wanted to kind of intervene or say something since Pitch seemed to just be ignoring his presence entirely. He held back his want to defend himself from attacks that weren't and probably would never truly be directed at him and tried to insert some level of yearning into his voice without seeming...artificial. "Don't drag me all the way over here and just make me sit here."
He bit his lip in annoyance at his tone of voice; wrong emotion. Still too defensive, too demanding. He tried to start again but all that escaped him were broken, half hearted sentences that went lacking as soon as they were said. Pitch still didn't seem to even give him any attention and instead gently moved the second, untouched coffee in his direction with a push of his finger.
Jack nodded in thanks but said nothing, grabbing coffee creamer – along with probably far too much sugar then what could be considered sane much less healthy – to momentarily entertain his hands. But it could only do so much before they had another unoccupied space of time in which neither said nothing both gazing to their respective sides with Pitch's golden eyes gazing across the street, directly at the empty parking lot with a sense of great anxiety and depression looming over him.
'I miss you so much...'He thought and wrapped both his hands around the heated porcelain mug, the atmosphere feeling as if it was freezing him to death, it made him feel choked, scared and alone in an excruciatingly familiar way that frightened him. 'But I...I've got Jack now. You'd love him...I don't want him to leave me.' Another chill, this time up his spine and almost lifting him from the seat – he used the shock of feeling it and the energy it gave to open his mouth and speak. "Jack."
The teen immediately looked at him attentively but avoided his eyes – he didn't want to look into Pitch's eyes right now. Everything felt too...breakable and easy to destroy. "Yes?" He felt as if just speaking was taxing him and 'them' some how, like it was adding too much 'weight' to their relationship.
Judging by the way Pitch's jaw tightened he would've guessed it was the same thing but then a familiar sensation crawled over his hand and he glanced down to see that his older lover was trying to actually hold hands with him.
"Pitch." A tiny frown that barely showed through and a tone of miffed disapproval. They couldn't possibly actually touch now could they? Was Pitch really that forgiving of him, believing they could get over this here and now?
"I..." Pitch gazed down at their hands and let out a huff of hot air. "I apologize..." He looked back at the window with a look of morose coming over him, gaining Jack's attention. "I need to touch you while I tell you this...I need- I need something to remind me that I'm not..." A deep breath had Jack reeling and upon closer inspection he could see that Pitch was actually blinking away tears. "That I'm just not there anymore."
His expression and entire physical presence changed like he was frightened and paralyzed due to his overwhelming fear, trembling and shaking beneath a threatening power that he had no control over. Jack's concern comes sprouting through his defenses until it shows clearly through his face as he patiently waits for Pitch to right himself - the only time he allows his eyes to wander from the gray man's form is to meaninglessly observe the other less then intriguing or reasonably intrigued cafe-goers.
"It's the first time I've told anyone about this, so umm..." Hearing Pitch's uncertainty and wavering voice actually scared Jack by proxy. Pitch wasn't a man that he knew to indulge in fear and doubt – this was the first time Jack could see him break down from something that didn't at least appear to be related to them and their relationship. "Please have some patience with me." Pitch whispered softly and rested one of his hands on the table while Jack nodded and listened.
A few more deep and empowering breaths, in, out, in, out...relax...and he began.
"Well..." A nervous swallow ended his sentence before it began – and he started over from there. "I suppose I should start from the time I was in my late fifteenth year..." A sort of melancholy Nostalgia shined through the golden eyes Jack found himself gazing in once again, interested and hooked onto every word despite Pitch's tale clearly only just beginning.
"I was young." A wistful sigh and Jack prodded himself as a mental reminder that Pitch wasn't even past twenty five yet. What exactly did he consider young? "In the middle of and in the more generous years of pubescence – luckily I started earlier, it was hell really...I shot up in height but stayed thin and gangly until I finally got some muscle...and even then I stayed sort of paper thin..." A slight frown made Jack grin just a little. I know the feeling. "This was before the gray skin so as you could easily imagine...lots of young women focused their attention on me."
With much more relaxed and calmed movements and actions Jack pointed to himself and then pointed to Pitch, face stained with a layer of confusion. "But I thought..." That you were gay.
Pitch reads his mind and continues onward with a slight grin. "I never said I slept with all of them...I was experimenting around that time and even though didn't know what I really liked or was looking for...I only slept with a few girls before I realized I was more interested in other men more but, before I could really cement that I found out that one of the girls I was with was, well, pregnant-"
"Wait...wait..what?" Jack gasped and gazed around the room in total disbelief of what his ears just heard – unable to fully swallow it. Pitch, a player. Really, who would ever believe that? He wanted to say that he must have been bullshitting him but it felt too early to start another argument, even one like this one that would become undoubtedly comical or at least awkward instead of aggravating.
Much to his surprise as he calmed down – and Pitch stared onwards in a curious gaze trying to gauge his emotions—he felt no real anger come over him, only a sense of having made a strange misconception about his boyfriend.
"Alright then." Pitch's brow furrowed and he started once more, eyes gazing up to the ceiling more then once with shimmers of difficulty shining through them. He was trying very hard to pick his words right now..."I really had no idea how or when it actually happened but the child was apparently mine." He shrugged in apathy and continued. "Fortunately enough for me my parents were wealthy enough so that me and her were quite well off, my mother even got a nanny to care for her while I had school..."
"Umm wait-" Jack felt childish and foolish for interfering but Pitch's eyes seemed welcoming and the mood seemed light enough to allow him to ask. "Where was the mother during all this?"
Pitch sucked his teeth and looked away, shoulders slumping very lightly. "She refused to be part of taking care of the child in any way, shape or form after my parents refused to pay for an abortion since I actually wanted the child..."
"I named her Seraphina Pitchiner and..." Pitch looks away as if considering something inside of himself before he blinked rapidly, as if owning back a great many tears. Then suddenly his hand was once again squeezing Jack's painfully, the younger teen winces but doesn't complain about it for his sake. After a short time of more uncomfortable silence he relents his viper-like clutch and sends Jack an apologetic smile.
"And no matter what anyone says, I don't think I was that bad of a parent really." His voice brightens up and his eyes almost glow in pride and happiness – the younger boyfriend tilts his head to the side and continues to gaze at his significant other in interest, entranced by Pitch's story and emotions. He'd never seen him give off such a wide range before, not even during the earlier fight. "For a little while at least...after she turned three and I was in college with a job I still had lots of time for her – I think...I was always taking care of her whenever it was needed. Buying her plenty of gifts and toys. Spoiled her rotten really, and she deserved it. For my eighteenth my parents got private tutors and teachers for her as a gift for me...she spoke very good German before she turned six-"
"And English?" Jack intervened again, brimming with curiosity about this child he never met, amazed in her story and who she was...but something was wrong. Why couldn't he put his finger on it?
"This was far before I moved here, even my English wasn't that good yet..." Pitch absent-mindedly toyed with Jack's fingers using his own before interlocking them. "Can I...Can I move over there? Next to you? Next to the window?"
"Um...sure..." Jack pulled his hand away and Pitch moved over next to him, moving next to the window and directly next to him, before intertwining their fingers once again and hiding their connection hidden under the table.
"She was five when her mother came back into our lives...less then-" Pitch cuts himself off and pouts lightly in regret, not the biggest fan of his next choice of words. "Mentally stable to say the least."
"What was wrong with her?" Part of him thought it was rude to ask questions like that regarding Pitch's past – the one much ruder then the last one. It was as if he was a young child listening to his father read him a storybook, but still he wanted to know more. The was the most information that Pitch had ever revealed to him about himself and so...he was starving for it.
"She stalked me." He practically spat out the words in a venomous and offended tone, eyes narrowed at the cooling coffee in his hands like it was the face of his mother's child. Jack almost felt sorry for asking until he realized it was more aimed at her then at him. "Followed me around in broad daylight even when it was obvious I didn't want anything to do with her. She would keep asking me about Seraphina 'How is my child?' 'Where is my child', 'Who is my child with right now'..." Another bit of less then joyous nostalgia before a razor-sharp intake of breath and frightfully aggressive look from Pitch. His teeth grit until the sounds of light cracking were detectable and his jawline sharpening to a point as he hissed out. "And note: 'My', never 'Our'. Made her intentions clear enough."
"She didn't want anything to do with you, she just wanted the kid." Jack summarized smoothly and almost mirrored Pitch's look of anger. 'How could someone just walk out of their child's own life, let someone lay the groundwork for them and then act like they can waltz right back in once the hard work is done?'
He's given a mild nod that bellies the aggressive nature from before and then the story teller continues. "Eventually we just got a restraining order against her but since she never caused us any physical harm and was technically Seraphina's mother – despite literally walking out of her life." His eyes narrowed viciously, clearly it was against his own decision to have the 'mother' back in Seraphina's life. "It didn't hold for very long and the very same day that she somehow found out it expired, she was back to following us again...only this time a little more forceful – not enough to get arrested or keep her away but enough that it became rather..." His face twists and he rubs the back of his neck and glances around as if trying to find the right word just lying around the cafe somewhere. Eventually he was able to pull it out. "'Disquieting' being in the same town as her, and so my parents and I decided that the smartest move would be to move to another place..."
"Here, to Burgess?"
"Yes. Somehow a different town became an entirely different country for safety's sake. Don't ask me how..." He waves his free hand in the air in passive dismissal. "But it doesn't matter...we got here and moved into that green, leafy hide away back behind the town..." He stops and gazes longingly at the parking lot across the street. "and Seraphina loved it, especially the river behind the house. She loved the water, the nature, the occasional young stray deer..."
Jack's heart nearly stopped in his chest. That's what was wrong. If Pitch loved Seraphina so much why wasn't she here, why did he meet a childless and lonely Pitch sitting alone in this seat...why was he referring to her in past tense?! He gripped his hand tightly between two of his own, slowly shaking his head. "Please..." His voice was veering on tears – he swore he didn't want to here the end of it, he didn't want to hear how much the man he loved had lost. "Please stop."
"Please let me finish-" He could just barely see the readied tears now prickling at the stressed and reddened edges of his eyes and he brought his hand up to wipe them away.
"I can't sit here and listen to you while you sound like you're dying inside." Younger, smaller hands worked to wipe Pitch's tears away while Jack cried his own – already feeling Pitch's pain, already knowing how this was going to end.
"It's a story that needs to be told Jack. You believed that I didn't understand and so...now you have to learn why." The voice wavered and cracked, breaking painfully like someone had stabbed it in some places. It was as if he had suddenly lost vocal cords with certain words.
"But it hurts..." He felt as if through an invisible connection he could feel Pitch's pain, his heart-ached and he didn't want to know any of what had happened...but at the very same time he wanted to be there for him like a supporter, like someone he could depend on.
"I know...I know all too well..." Pitch snuggles comfortingly into Jack's shoulder and before the snow-haired teen can stop himself his fingers are grazing the edges of the black hair line and holding him protectively as if keeping him safe from the rest of the world. He can feel wetness, heaves and gentle bit-back waves of silent screams.
And then he pulls his arm out, bending it awkwardly to reach down his shirt and capture the item that he had been holding onto all this time...
A golden, shining locket with carvings of stars and moons adorning the edges with a bright sun shining in the center, Jack thought was beautiful...then with a tentative motion Pitch clicked it open, revealing the face of a little innocent girl with a youthful, sweet smile and long black hair.
Unmistakable.
She was Seraphina Pitchiner.
Pitch continues to talk as Jack stares at the photo with mouth half-agape as he sees the resemblance between her and Mary – just change the hair color and you have splitting images. "We were...happy. For the first time in a long time we were happy and safe. I kept on spoiling her, finishing my college work and I just- there were no words to describe how good everything felt. I've heard people complain about their children before but...Seraphina was the sweetest thing ever. Polite, quiet, gentle, smart – she...she was perfect, and the feeling of knowing that I-" Pitch cuts himself off there forcing one hand over his face to hide his face away from Jack. 'Don't over flow...if you over flow you can't reel yourself back.' He took a deep breath – for once the emotions he was holding back weren't the cutting, slicing, aching wounds that September left on him...
He was proud. "The feeling of knowing I fathered that. That she was what I brought into this world – she was something I helped to create and form – it felt like...like I had done something incredible and miraculous every moment I spent with her. I cannot think of a single time where she or I were upset or angry with one another...it was the most wonderful year of my life." Pitch balled his hand up, enclosing it around his mouth in order to try and quell the distressed sounds coming out of it.
Jack ran his fingers through the jet black hair and gently kissed his forehead, tears of his own making their way down his face. He didn't know that Pitch wasn't just being sympathetic when he said he knew what his situation was like.
The fight between them just seemed so fucking stupid now that he was hearing and seeing all of this, seeing Pitch through new eyes with a new sense of understanding.
Pitch leans into his touch and releases a dense, depressed breath that splits the few remaining heartstrings that Jack believes he has left. "And then...it was a day like any other really...I remember every detail so...vividly..." He squints as if staring at an ant in his coffee. "God knows I don't want to but I do."
"It was a Thursday. Very sunny. I had the day off both school and work and so I dedicated that day to Seraphina. She was six, I was twenty-one. She was so happy and carefree all the time but especially that day. It was the first time she ever used English in public too...perfect pronunciation...and to this day I wish she actually got it wrong." Pitch takes a deep breath that he doesn't release without licking his lips and shaking his head first. "I know that sounds strange but...I really do..." He twists his body so he's still sitting but his face is pressed firmly into Jack's chest, his voice coming out as a muffle. "I took her to the local candy shop, that is now the empty lot across the street."
"It happened so fast..." His gray fist slammed down on the table in a furious mixture of choler and despair. Jack yanked his hand away from his own coffee, in fear that it may be hot as the force of the strike made some of it spill out. "I couldn't even see it coming...All I remember is asking her 'What do you want?'...she told me 'Cotton Candy'." He shakes his head, rubbing his face into Jack's sweatshirt while the younger only gave careful butterfly touches in an attempt to calm him, finding himself capable of doing little else.
"She gave me this wide smile that could block out the sun and then...just a loud screeching of some drunk moron slamming on the brakes-" Another slam that drew the momentary attention of the sparse numbers of cafe-goers, who then promptly grew bored or didn't care. "Then rumbling and then..." He was shaking his head in a sense of nostalgic disbelief, the entire scene playing itself out behind his eyes. "the entire front of the store was gone...lots of screaming." Pitch shivered frightfully. "I only had a few bruises, I didn't even fall over...Seraphina was literally right next to me...but...s-she."
Jack winces as he gasps back his own tears and feels Pitch's own drip through the cloth. He clenches his eyes tightly in sympathetic melancholy and then curls his own body around the shaking one in his arms, cradling him further. "She just..she- she was gone Jack, just gone, here then...nothing. I didn't even...I didn't fall or anything and the shop was full of kids Jack, but she was the only one, why?" Pitch's hands dug into his sweatshirt as he futilely tried to muffle his cries while speaking. "What did me or her do? W-why?"
Jack tries to summon up an answer, but can't find a single one inside of himself. He didn't go through what Pitch went through, he didn't have the experiences that the man holding him had. 'I don't even think there's an answer...'He pulls him in closer and shares his tears, trying to whisper reassurances to him through his own gasps and shudders of tears but only saying apologies as if it was his fault. "I'm so sorry...I'm sorry."
The minutes ticked by and for all the couple knew they could've been hours, maybe even days – the passing moments even felt that long. Either way they failed to care about the passing of the time as Jack continued to cradle a broken down and self repairing Pitchiner who rubbed his hands up and down his lover's back in a sort of trance. His eyes fixed to the spot where he was standing when his whole world seemed to fall able before his very eyes – oh if he could only tell Jack.
Neither Bunnymund nor Toothiana ever come out to their knowledge and the silence is deafening and splitting on their ears. Eventually Jack lowers his head and faces his pained lover with apologetic eyes and tries to speak but Pitch simply presses his lips to his, grazing against them like a passing breeze while he releases more and more of his tension.
Jack holding him was doing wonders.
With a burst of bravery that was all his own Pitch continued on in fear, not precisely wanting to continue his speech but feeling as if Jack just needed to know this. "I...that's why I think I know what you're going through." He swallows, his throat full of cotton and a wavy, blurry sense of choking. "The alcohol...by drunk moron I mean drunk moron...the bad parent...the responsibility...I know how it feels."
Jack offers him the sweetest, most compassionate smile that he is capable of ever giving – but it is tainted and crooked ever so slightly by the sadness of the story. He finds himself feeling as if he can barely gaze at him any more – almost unworthy of being blessed by his presence and happiness. "And that's why I love you."
And now he's bewildered – side winded by Pitch's abrupt and surprising words. His breath hitches and he looks up to the sky as if the ceiling has the answers he seeks but he can't move his head too far, Pitch grasps his chin and forces him to look him in the eyes...and then he kisses him
Jack releases an indecent noise that stirs up a completely inappropriate feeling in Pitch's lower stomach and the older can't resist but to ravish him, he deepens the kiss and moves his way up until he's once again equal to Jack. His tongue slides smoothly alongside Jack's – his boyfriend's sweet, smaller, delicate tongue that just tastes like faint sugar and snow.
He doesn't want to keep talking.
He wants to love Jack. He wants to drown himself in an ocean of him and his sweet love if he can, holding him close and never letting him go. But the younger pulls away and shakes his head in a way that politely rejects Pitch.
Then they just sit there holding one another – the tiny, faint night sky glitters of stars that glisten in the window besides them slowly begin to disappear to their eyes as the sky begins to light up in a faint way.
Then the talking begins once again. "You know...You went through it too...but you didn't need money and it wasn't even your child. You didn't have to do this. You could've turned a blind eye..." Pitch wistfully glances as his now room temperature coffee. "You're so dedicated, you're so much more committed – you're a much better father."
There is a moment of quiet introspection from the seat next to him and then Pitch finds his own lips intertwined in a passionate dance with Jack's once more. He almost feels light headed like this, with his love giving him contact that he needs but couldn't ask for...then it ends again. Jack runs his hands down the sides of Pitch's tear stained face and frowning in disagreement, even as his fingertips move down and outline his lips in a teasing way that makes Pitch give an audible gasp.
"Are you kidding me?" He shakes his head in disbelief as he speaks, staring the other man straight in the eye as he talks to him. "I...I could never compare to you!" His voice is full of wonder and love, eyes wet but out of a mixture of joy and sadness he couldn't explain even if he had the vocabulary needed to describe it. "– I mean I...I could never give Mary the life that you gave Seraphina Pitch! You were willing to move, to go to court, move to a whole different country, live an entirely different life in a new place for her – I...I didn't even call the police on my father during his drunken bouts until recently...and even then I really didn't do anything...You were an incredible father with Seraphina. I can tell."
"Jack you don't know tha-"
"Then why are you here?" Jack asked incredulously, pointing to the floor with a smile. "Right across from where Seraphina died? You miss her, you loved her and you did everything you could for her. Even right now you're breaking down for her..."
"Jack I just...I can't believe that.." Pitch removes himself from Jack's hands and distracts his own by tracing the outline of his coffee cup.
"I wish you could." Jack timidly places a single hand behind Pitch's head and moves their lips together – happy when his older lover doesn't resist, then pressing their foreheads together as if leaning on one another. "I wish you could see just how good of a Dad you were...and are."
"Are?"
"You saw how I was with Mary but you didn't notice how I was watching you and Mary?" He chuckled in happiness and sincerity. "You actually care about children Pitch – you strive to entertain and protect them like a guardian..."
"Ridiculous Jack-"
"It's not. You." He took a deep breath and shut his eyes tight, relocating himself to the opposite side of the seat so that he could prepare himself to say this. If it was painful for him he knew it would hurt Pitch to hear it. 'Alright, Pitch...bare with me.' He bit his teeth and ground it out. "You couldn't have done anything to save Seraphina."
The look Pitch gives him is a fierce brew of hate and crying, tears once again specking at the edges of his eyes. "I know, it's hard to believe but...really...how could you have known that car was coming? Out of the sounds of tens of other cars how were you supposed to know which one was about to crash into the candy store? You were rewarding her for being smart Pitch. You were doing the right thing! It was beyond your control."
"Then why doesn't it feel like it?!" He near screamed, pulling himself away towards the window glaring at the empty lot in a melancholy anger Jack find heart-breaking. "Why do I feel like I have this heavy weight on my shoulders, dragging me down? Like it was my fault? Like I might as well have killed her myself?!"
'Is this what you were carrying all this time?' He thinks and gives Pitch another tainted smile. "Stop saying that, its not your fault." Jack exclaimed, reaching forward and wrapping his arms around Pitch "You don't deserve the blame for any of what happened, you shouldn't have to place all that weight on your shoulders to begin with. If anything you're the most blameless person in your situation right next to your daughter."
Pitch squints his eyes in thought as he enters into the welcoming embrace and lets out a self-depreciating chuckle as he remembers: he told Jack the exact same thing."I know I should've applied that to myself but...it's so hard...it's just so hard...even now."
"It's fine..."
Another stretch of silence overtakes the cafe for a measure of time that neither of them could possibly care for – all that matters is that they are together. That Jack is here in Pitch's arms and Pitch is here in his and every thing just feels right and okay and stable.
Pitch tries to pull away and Jack could almost sense something wrong. "Take your time." Jack whispers, sensing the older man's hurry and rush. "I'm not going anywhere." The gray-skinned man exhales happily and embraces him even more, warmer and more lovingly then before with the slightest sound of a song on his breath.
The silence isn't so bad now, it isn't as weighty and painful to carry and listen to with Jack sitting next to him, unwittingly – or perhaps now knowing since learning about the existence and end of Seraphina – calming him down...
But he chooses to end it anyway, preferring the sound of that youthful voice to the sound of nothing at all. "The coffee is cold now..."
"Yeah." Jack gives a simple answer and kisses Pitch on his cheek, neither moving from their caressing position.
"We really should leave, it's gotta be at least 2 am..." He looks out of the window once more, for the first time gazing through it without glancing directly at the candy-store turned parking lot and instead at the sky above it, half-admiring and half-worrying about the on-setting brightness of the moonlit sky.
"Yeah..."
"And we didn't even touch our coffee.." He fingers the edge of the cup with disinterest – he really had no want or need for coffee...'Why did I even buy this?'
"Yeah..."
"And you just keep saying yeah..."
"Yeah..." A hint of mirth.
"Let's get you home, you must be tired..."
"I'm fine. Really."
"Your parents will actually kill me if I bring you any later then this."
"And my house is like, five minutes away by car – which would make you five minutes later then this." Jack gave him mischievous wink. "Let's just go to your place or something." He tossed Pitch a less then publicly 'decent' tone of voice and look, uncaring for anyone that was around.
"I never liked driving in the dark." He replied with a look of clearly suspicious and unconvinced mirth that practically yelled'Nope, I already know what you're trying to do. No'. After a moment of clearing his voice he continued. "Don't make me drive through the woods, emotionally exhausted, and in the dark." They both knew it was more of a plea to not proceed teasing him – and the younger of the two didn't care within the slightest.
"Please?" He cooed with a wide grin that already gave enough of his intentions away not accounting his ice blue eyes that were dancing with devilry in the snowflake-like irises.
"I love you, I really do-" Pitch futilely tried his hand at bargaining with the younger man. His defenses were already dropping and Jack practically zoomed in on him like a hawk.
"Pleeeeease"
"Saying it longer won't help sweetheart..." He had no idea where the nickname came from and didn't really question it – too tired from the night's events to really pay any sizable amount of painstaking attention to his speech.
"Mmmm I like that nickname...call me that again." Jack grinned happily as he saw the last few wall of resistance begin to crumble down.
"Sweetheart, I'm taking you home-"
"Yay-" Jack began to cheer with delight.
"To your place."
"Boooo." After hearing that Pitch knew that that playful side would be the death of him. He bit back a grin and tried to keep on resisting..
"Why do you even want to be with me? I look pathetic." Pitch motioned to his tear stained and exhausted face and Jack just smiled.
"I wanna be with you because I love you..." Jack huddled up closer and snuggled next to him. Pitch groaned, obviously fatigued, and gave in to the younger man's demands.
No point in fighting. His ass was getting sore from sitting down so long anyway. "...Fine. We'll go to my place. But no funny business tonight, understand?" He slid smoothly out of the seat and began heading for the door with Jack in tow.
"Pitch, in a couple weeks I'll be legal – technically that really doesn't matter – but yeah I'll be legal...You can say 'No fucking your brains out tonight.'" Jack smiled tiredly and slid out of the booth after him, narrowly avoiding knocking over the two abandoned cups of coffee.
"Let's just go" Pitch said, an invisible grin painted on his own lips while he shook his head at the lack of decency in Jack's language.
Funfact: Secret running gag, Pitch isn't anything like he is in RoTG with the exception of his 'We're alike, let's be together' relationship to Jack. He likes children, loves them even, actually tries to escape people who see him, gives Jack good "day" dreams and hides himself in a place away from the world (as compared to his movie counterpart that wanted the whole world to believe in and see him). In fact Jack and Pitch are even more alike then they were in RoTG. Both have less then decent mothers in their lives, both wish to take care of and did great amounts of self sacrifice for a child, both of them are horny about 97 percent of the time – as we'll see in the next chapter.