Darcy yanked Jo behind the barn, well away from the house while Eli slept. She stopped and glared at Jo until the taller girl felt two feet tall. She didn't know what she was in trouble for, but it was obvious that Darcy was not happy with her. "Let him sit for an hour or so and then see if you can't kneed the knots out. The heat and the herbs should do most of the work for you." Her words were clipped and business-like, not friendly and teasing or soft and warm like she was used to hearing from her friend. In the six months she'd known Darcy, she'd come to think of her as the best girlfriend she'd ever had. She didn't have much basis for comparison, but she still wasn't used to Darcy being short with her.
"Where are you going?" Jo whined. She sounded weak and needy and she hated it.
"I'm going to deal with my own husband, my own house and my own messes. I didn't make that mess, so I ain't going to be the one to clean it up." Flabbergasted, Jo stood there staring blankly and Darcy rolled her eyes, "You can't be taken care of forever JoAnna! It's time to give a little back. He was only up and outside by my good graces. He is not supposed to be taking two mile walks or painting walls because you gave yourself the vapors over a damn house. You might have injured him permanently by letting him baby you and carry you along. It's time to grow up, Buttercup. Give him an hour, clean up the kitchen, put supper on and for god's sake, don't let him carry anything for you! You aren't a princess anymore!" The blonde smirked appreciatively and seductively. "In my experience, its very few and far between when what is under a man's shirt is as nice looking as what you're turning down right now." She took a deep breath and shoved back the silky flyaway hairs from her face. Her green eyes glared at Jo. "Throw the man a bone for god's sake! Either love him, make the leap of faith and trust him or set the guy free. What you're doing to him is wrong. So very wrong." Her breath drew in, sharp and ragged at the thought of him loving someone else and a smile crept across Darcy's face. "That's what I thought. One hour. Figure yourself out, JoAnna." She stalked away to her own little house, leaving Jo to stew in her own juices in the yard. She was terrified to go back in that kitchen, but knew she had to. What was worse was that Darcy knew she would do what she was told. The blonde was counting on it. For a few minutes, Jo stomped around, huffing and puffing at the nerve of her friend, telling her she had to give more to Eli when she wasn't ready. Who was that little hussy to give her orders? But her anger was short lived, she didn't have much fire left after the morning's drama. She was tired, too tired to fight. With a heavy heart and a conflicted mind, she went back to the house and tiptoed around Eli while she did what Darcy asked.
By the time the hour was up, the kitchen was spotless, supper was on the stove, Eli was fully asleep, snoring softly with his head on the table and Jo was seriously considering a shot of whiskey to try to make her heartbeat slow down. She had worked herself up into a lather taking Darcy's advice to figure herself out and it felt like hummingbird wings were banging against her ribs. She scrubbed and chopped and all the while searched her own mind for what was making her so reluctant to get past chaste kisses and hand holding with the man that she loved more than herself.
That was one problem, she DID love him more than herself and so his love felt misplaced. She spent so long convinced that she didn't deserve real love that it was hard to accept it when it was staring her in the face. The other truth she came to was that the next step, the next few steps if she was completely honest, that relationships took scared her to her core. The way she experienced physical intimacy and marriage were not treasured memories, but painful nightmares. She was terrified that her understanding was the truth, that once she gave herself to him, it would mean giving herself over to the pain that Gordon showed her in their bed. Somewhere inside her, she knew that couldn't be true, but it was easier to push him away when Eli got too close than it was to risk really and truly losing the image of him, his gentle touch and soft, sweet words, to the harshness of what she knew as reality. But Darcy was right. She had to trust him. He trusted her with the control of their love, and she'd been selfish with it, lording it over him like a tyrant. Like her mother had done with her power all her young life. That biting truth was all it took to propel her across the kitchen to where he sat sleeping.
Her hands trembled as she lowered the woolen blanket and laid the damp, green tinged towels in the empty basin. His skin was so hot to touch that she feared she would have blisters from squeezing and rolling the dense bundles of muscle in her hands. As the tension released, he let out quiet grunts and moans. What once felt like thick rope became pliable under her gentle touch, and the heat that was radiating out of him was now trapped in her gut. Anytime she had touched a man in any way other than an embrace before this, it was by force, but he sat, placid and submissive under her hands, not demanding anything from her, and that ignited a fire in her belly. Her arms trembled in exhaustion and her hands ached, but she didn't want to stop touching him, afraid that the moment she pulled away her brain would start to whisper the lies about him again. JoAnna's eyes opened wide as he stretched and writhed, releasing the last traces of tension in the muscles that rippled beneath the smooth, pale skin of his back. The track that the hook took up his shoulder blade was still red and puffy, but it was the only mar on the perfect expanse of skin. Her mouth watered at the sight of him. He leaned back in the chair, the crown of his head grazing her stomach as his hand snaked up over his shoulder and patted hers as she gently continued to massage and touch. "Thank you, JoAnna" he murmured sleepily.
"Did you know it was me this whole time?"
He nodded, a slow smile spreading across his face. His big hand wrapped around hers, covering it completely, and pulled it around to press a chaste kiss to her palm. "Her hhhhands are tiny. I know your hands." Looking at that big hand wrapped around hers, hearing that he knew her touch by heart broke down the last wall. She traced the outline of the deep purple scar on his back and he shrank away from her. "D-d-don't," he hissed.
"Does it hurt?" she asked.
"No," he answered quietly as he stood and turned to face her, his hair falling over his forehead that was furrowed from brow to hairline. His eyes wouldn't meet hers, and the amount of pain in them sent a pang to her heart. "But you can't t-touch me like that, I c-c-c-can't..." He shook his head and tightly closed his eyes as tears filled hers and blurred her vision. He couldn't bear for her to show him anymore affection just to be brushed off again.
She rushed the step forward and pressed her face into his skin, wrapping her arms around his back and digging her fingers in. "I'm so sorry. I was so scared. I'm so scared now. I knew it was hurting you, but I couldn't stop. I couldn't see clearly. I don't think and I'm so selfish..."
He pulled her face up with a gentle finger under her chin. "Tell mmmme what you w-w-w-want." He didn't care about what had passed between them whether in the past 6 hours or the past seven years. He only cared about what she wanted going forward.
She finally had an answer for him, but time for words had passed. She took his hand and kissed each fingertip, planted one in his palm, at his wrist and on up. She listened as his breath grew shallow and his heartbeat quickened under her ear. When she reached the crook of his elbow she took the hand she had just finished lavishing affection on and placed it on her chest, just like she had in the attic of St Xavier's so long ago. He swallowed, staring at the contents of his hand and then back up into her deep, brown eyes, searching her face but she just smiled. "I trust you, Eli, and I'm not that little girl anymore. I know what I'm asking for. You would never hurt me. Never." His eyes darted around in a panic of confused feelings, lust and caution, love and fear. He sucked the inside of his bottom lip in between his teeth and worried at it adorably. "I can't promise not to hurt you, my head is still...lost sometimes. But I can promise to trust you. I've always loved you, so that feels too easy. Trust is hard. I promise to always trust you, even if I need to be reminded."
He looked down at her, his eyes darkening to a point where they were almost teal. She held her breath, afraid she might fall in to those deep blue depths. His hand raised and gently ran down the side of her face, down her neck, over her collarbone, coming back to rest right where she placed it moments before. He ducked his head so that his mouth was right next to her ear, gently caressing it with his breath as he said, "Mmmmore kit...kit-ses. I wwwwant mmmmmore." A delightful shiver ran down her spine and her skin was covered in goosebumps under her dress. He didn't have to promise her anything. He'd kept every promise he'd made to her. It was her hang ups holding them back.
Her head pressed in closer to his and a fluttering sigh exited her body as he drew her earlobe into his mouth. "More everything," she agreed and reluctantly pulled away to take his hand, pulling him towards the stairs and up to her room. He paused for a moment, looking at all of the other doors in the upstairs hallway, but she smiled. "They're all outside, supper's taken care of. No one will miss us."