Chapter 26 - Love In the Dark

Ana's POV

"You'll regret this, Anastasia." His words sound in my head, and I go to slap him, but he pulls a gun on me. The trigger is aimed at my head, and I drop to my knees.

"Good girl." He praises me, and I feel myself weaken.

"Is this what you want, Anastaisa?" He asks, and I can't respond.

"I'm going to fuck you now." The room has changed, I'm in my childhood bedroom. I want to scream, but nothing comes out.

"You're such a good girl." He says thrusting inside of me and I'm internally screaming, trying to get out of his reach. I'm motionless, speechless.

The room fades to black. I'm on my knees again, thankful to be out of his hold. He's standing in front of me holding the gun again. I wait for him to pull the trigger.

"Ana" I hear him. Where is he? Please, save me.

"I love you Ana." I'm staring at the gun he has pointed in my face. This isn't love.

"Please. Let me go." I hear myself say.

The shot rings in my head.

I bolt awake, sweating and panting. Christian is holding me, and I'm crying.

"Ana, baby. I'm here." He breathes, into my neck. I'm wrapped around him like a vine.

"Chris." I manage to get out between sobs.

"It's okay, Ana." He whispers, and I feel myself calm.

"What happened?" I normally don't have nightmares when I sleep with Christian. I hate that he was able to invade my dreams.

"I couldn't stop him." I try to tell him what happened, but I'm trying to keep calm.

"I know, baby. I know." That's all it takes for me to become a mess. I know I don't have to explain it to him. I fall back asleep with Christian holding me.

Christian's POV

When I wake up, Ana is wrapped around me. I'm dying hot, but seeing her sleeping peacefully keeps me from moving. I hate that she had a nightmare last night. She's so good at taking my nightmares away, I hate that I can't do the same for her. She normally sleeps so peacefully. I know that ever since Saturday she has been more stressed. When she told me how Linc was trying to get her back, I wanted to kill him even more. I'm glad she slapped him, and he's lucky I didn't know what he said sooner.

I gave Ana full access to my team, in hopes that she will use them to get back at Linc. I offered to help her more, but she refused. She said she needs to do this herself, which I guess I can understand. I'm happy that she has let me in, but I still hate that it's not enough to keep her demons at bay. I've been so happy since she came into my life, but I still feel like Ana has had nothing but grief since she came back to Seattle. Maybe I could take her so Aspen, she won that trip after all. She needs a break from everything going on.

I'm rubbing Ana's head gently, and she finally starts to stir.

"Hey, baby." I whisper.

"Christian." She says, looking up at me with bright blue eyes.

"Good morning." I say, I love waking up with her.

"Morning." She yawns. Stretching a little bit.

"I should get up." I say, I've normally already left the house by now.

"What time is it?" She asks, she closed her eyes, obviously not ready to get up.

"7." I say, glancing at the clock on the bedside table.

"I should get in the studio early." She says, and ever since her commercial aired I know things have been crazy for her. She got bombarded by paparazzi at the beginning of the week. My PR team has had neverendless calls about the article in Sunday's paper. I hate that this has become such public news, I should be able to have a picture taken with my girlfriend without it getting blown out of the waters.

Now that it's Thursday, the press has only died down a little. A few of them have snuck into her rehearsals at the Dance Company. You need a pass to get in the building, but they had no other security. I'm glad I had Sawyer there with Ana, he was able to get the media out. I donated money just for them to update their security, but they won't have it installed until next week. All of their upcoming shows are booked, and I just hope they have security measures taken. I've hired another person on Ana, just so I know she is safe. Ana hasn't noticed, as Prescott mostly stays at the front of the building, where as Sawyer stays close to her. I don't know how she would feel about more security, but I just want her to be safe.

Ana's POV

I get through the paparazzi, and head into the studio. I work on my routine for when the party's over. I practice through the day, having the studio to myself. Tomorrow we work on our group routine to get ready for the Saturday show. I make sure Sawyer has the car ready for me at Noon. I have my appointment with Flynn at 3. I decide to grab lunch for Christian and I, and take it to Grey House. I've never really been there before, and I want to see what I can do about the Linc situation.

There's a woman in the driver's seat, and she looks oddly familiar.

"Ana, this is Prescott." Sawyer introduces us from the passenger side.

"Ms. Steele." She says formally, not taking her eyes off the road.

"Ana, please." I say, I wonder when she started and why Christian didn't tell me. She doesn't respond and the ride to the deli is quiet. Sawyer grabs the food, not letting me leave the SUV. I feel like a child, but with paparazzi following us, I try not to let it bug me.

We pull up in front of Grey House, I can't believe how tall the building is. Christian's success never ceases to amaze me. Prescott parks the car, and Sawyer escorts me in the building. I feel lost when I enter the large lobby. I realize I have no idea where to go, and I'm thankful Sawyer leads me to the elevators and gets me on the right one before disappearing. I couldn't help but notice the glances from the blondes in the lobby, all surely better dressed than me. Although I showered after rehearsal, I changed into joggers, a t-shirt, and cardigan. I wanted a casual outfit for my therapy session, but now I suddenly feel very out of place.

When I reach the top floor, I see a blond sitting at a large round desk, and ask for Mr. Grey's office. She points me in the right direction, giving me a once over. There's a smaller desk outside his office with yet another blonde, does he only hire barbies? She's talking over a headset, and when I walk up she gives me a quick glance before ending her call.

"Can I help you?" She asks nicely, I think the first women here to be decent towards me.

"Is Mr. Grey available?" I ask, I feel really stupid for trying to surprise the man who is seemingly unaprochable to the outside.

"Do you have an appointment?" She asks, looking at her computer screen.

"Umm. No." I admit, ready to get kicked out.

"Can you just tell him Ana is here to see him." I ask, and she glances back over at me a little more surprised.

"Anastasia Steele?" She asks, and I feel like a bug in her magnifying glass.

"Yes" I'm not sure if it's a question or an answer.

"He's on a call right now, but you can go right in Ms. Steele." She smiles and gestures me to the large double doors. Thankful to finally get to see Christian, I miss my footing when opening the door to his office. The bag of food falls to the floor, and I landed on my hands and knees. This day really couldn't be any worse.

"Ana." He exclaims from his desk, hanging the phone up and making his way over to me, he helps me off the floor. I adjust myself, and grab the bag from the floor, giving Christian a weak smile.

"What are you doing here?" He asks, leading us over to the couch in the corner of his massive office.

"I thought we could eat lunch together. I also wanted to talk to the guy who got the photos of Linc." I explain, I didn't mean to interrupt his day. I would have waited for him to be free, or just dropped his lunch off for him.

"What's your plan with Linc?" He asks, while I take the food out of the bag and set it on the glass coffee table in front of him.

"I want his business financials, everything I can get." I explain. I'm not sure what I'm doing with it yet. I want to destroy his business, then his life. He's playing with fire by threatening me, telling me I would regret ending things with him. He will regret ever starting anything with me.

"Okay. I'll get it for you after we eat lunch." He says, opening the sandwich I got for him.

"You don't have to eat with me if you're busy." I tell him, not opening up the chicken salad I got. I don't want to be in the way of his business.

"I want to eat lunch with my girlfriend." He says between bites.

"Good, because I have some time until I have to go to Flynn's office." I tell him, taking a bite of my salad.

"Will you come over tonight?" He asks and I shrug.

"I should probably go home tonight." I feel like I'm never at home anymore. Not that I don't like staying with him.

"You don't have to. You can always stay with me."

"Christian. I have to go home eventually." I try to reason with him.

"What if I gave you a key?" He asks, he's stopped eating and he's looking at me a little unsure.

"I mean, what if I gave you a key, and you kept some stuff there?"

"Keep all of your stuff there, and you slept you know..."

"Not at your place." He adds, finished rambling. I've never seen him at such a loss for words.

"Are you asking me to move in with you?" I ask, I've never seen a cuter side of Christian.

"Mmm-mmm." He says, and I smile.

"Are you sure?" I ask.

"Yes. I want you with me all the time." He says, and I know he means it.

"Okay." Is all I say, before his mouth is on mine. Lunch forgotten, we find ourselves taking off each others clothes. I give him a blowjob, making sure to stop before he comes. He's sitting on the couch, and I get on top of him positioning myself so I can move easily. I use all of my leg strength to ride his length, feeling myself reach closer and closer to my climax. He leans up, pushing himself further into me and kissing me neck. He pulls me closer to him, and my movements slow, not wanting to remove my head from the crook of his neck. Soft and gentle, I just enjoy the feeling of him inside of me.

"Oh, Christian." I moan, not wanting this feeling to end.

"Ana, I love you." He breathes into my neck. Those three words, and I come apart in his arms.

I head to Flynn's office, wishing I would have eaten more for lunch. I only got a few more bites of my salad, before I remembered to ask Christian about Prescott. When he told me he hired her on Monday, I was a little pissed I went half the week without knowing. He didn't even tell me, I had to find out for myself. I was irritated, and told him he can't keep secrets from me. I have made sure to tell him everything, I can't handle it if he doesn't do the same.

I tell Flynn about my week, dwelling a little bit on the conversation I had on Saturday.

"So you and Grey?" He asks, we are a casual distance apart, and it's like we've become strangers. I'm glad he doesn't try to get any closer.

"I love him." I tell him honestly. I know it's a blow to the chest.

"Love is for fools." He's pissed, because I don't love him. I know the truth about him.

"Why did you want to dance anyway?" I ask. Bidding an insane amount of money is one thing, but then he interrupted Christian and I anyway.

"I was hoping to change your mind." He says, a little bit more confident than he should be right now.

"You're not going to change my mind. You hurt me. You're hurting other girls." Cats out of the bag.

"I helped you. What are you talking about?" He asks.

"You abused me. What we did wasn't consensual. I was 15, you took advantage of me. I'm not the only one."

"I taught you control, how dare you accuse me of abusing you. I never forced myself on you." Nothing I could say will change his mind.

"I don't want to be friends anymore. I hate you." I admit.

"Ana, forget the other girls. I only want you." He says, so he admits there's other girls.

"Get it through your head. I. Hate. You." I say clearly. He needs to understand this is over.

"Grey is just going to hurt you like he has in the past. He's going to take what he wants and leave you on the curb. When's he's done with you, you'll have nothing left. He doesn't love you like I do. You'll regret this Anastasia." He says, every word hitting me a little deeper. I slap him out of instinct. He storms off, and just when I think I can make an escape Carrick is coming up to me.

"Ana, can I have this dance?" He asks, and I lighten.

"Sure." I say a little sheepishly. I know he just saw me slap Linc.

"What was that about." He asks the question I knew was coming. I don't know how to respond.

"We used to be friends." I say, not wanting to tell Carrick the truth about his friend, just yet.

"Ana, I want to be there for you. However you will let me." He says, and I just look into his same blue eyes.

"I know. I'm sorry I've pushed you away." I need to reconcile with the Grey's, they are Christian's family. I don't want Carrick thinking I hate him, because I don't. He's been a good father to his kids, and just because he wasn't there for me shouldn't stand in the way of our relationship. He actually did what was best for me, in a really weird way. Sure, he could have saved me from a lot of misery. If he had been my father, I could never be with Christian.

"Christian loves you Ana. I don't think I've ever seen him happier." He admits and I smile.

"I love him." I say, and we dance quietly like everything is normal. I know there are still a lot of things to fix in our relationship, but for once in my life things really are starting to feel normal, or at least as normal as it gets.

"How do you feel about the conversation with Lincoln?" He asks, pulling me from my thoughts.

"I had a nightmare." When he said I would regret ending things, I took it as a threat.

"What happened in the nightmare?" I tell him as much as I can remember, most of it doesn't make much sense to me.

"Why do you think you were in your childhood bedroom?" He asks, and I shrug.

"I don't know." I try to think about it, but it still doesn't make any sense to me.

"Ana, I think you're realting what Lincoln did to you, and what Stephen did to you." He says, and I think about it for a moment.

"He coerced my consent, he took advantage of me. I guess I never considered it rape." I never really tried to compare the two.

"The law would consider it statutory rape." He says, and I realize how stupid I've really been.

"I can't go to the police." I can't have my story out there for the world to see. I hate that I'm being selfish, I want revenge. I don't want to take him to court, and hurt myself in the process.

"I'm not asking you to, Ana. I just want you to know your options." He says, but I still feel guilty.

"What if he does it again, to someone else." I ask, already knowing the truth. The 17 year old may be at the age of consent, but she's still young and vulnerable.

"I wouldn't be surprised. He's a pedophile." He says, and I nod. Even Flynn knew the truth before I did.

"Did you write your letter?" He asks and I nod, unfolding the piece of paper from my pocket.

"Do you feel comfortable reading it?" He asks, and I shrug staring at the page long note. I take a deep breathe.

Dear Andrew,

How cliche is dear Andrew? I can't put into words how you've made me feel. At 15 I thought it was love, but now I know the truth. You used me and took advantage of me. You knew my past, and you used it against me. There was a time where I thought I could only ever have a contract with someone, and now I know the truth. I can love, I just didn't love you. You hurt me, what feels like it's beyond repair. I feel like I've shattered into a million pieces since finding out the truth. I've been holding myself together, but every time you come around I crumble. I go back to the humble and weak submissive you taught me to be. I hate that girl, and it's not me. I'm not going to let myself be taken advantage of anymore. I may not know who I am right now, but I'm not what you want me to be. I hate that I ever let you into my life. I hate that I have to write this letter. I hate that you still have the nerve to try and get me back. I hate you for everything you have done.

Anastasia

"I want you to burn it." He says handing me a lighter.

"After all that work I did, I'm going to burn it?" I ask. I hate these stupid assignments.

"Are you going to mail it?" He asks, and I shake my head.

"No." I say, I'm not going to give him that satisfaction.

"Do you want to keep it?" He asks, and I shake my head again. Okay, I get where he's coming from. I burn the letter, careful that it stays over the empty garbage bin. I watch it fade away in my hands, before dropping the remains in the garbage. Just like that, any existence of it is burned away.

"I have one more task for us to accomplish today." He says, and from out of nowhere he is pulling a bottle of scotch out and setting it on the coffee table. I freeze.

"We are going to look at this bottle every session, until one day you will take a drink." I want to puke at the thought.

"What do you think about when you see the bottle." He asks, my eyes haven't moved off of it.

"The smell." I manage to get out.

"The scotch didn't hurt you, Anastasia." Obviously.

"I want you to say it, Ana." He says, and I glance at him quick, before turning my eyes back. What am I afraid it will jump at me?

"The scotch won't hurt me." I say poorly. I don't want to do this.

"Again." He says, and I do it two more times trying to sound like it means something to me.

"When you're ready, we are going to open the bottle and pour a glass, you won't have to drink it at first. You might not be ready for this for a while, and that's okay." He says.

"Why are we doing this?" I ask.

"These triggers, shouldn't have a hold on your life, Ana."

"What comes to your mind other than the smell?" He asks and I cringe.

"Him coming into my bedroom at night." Him raping me.

"He drank scotch." He says, and I nod. Every night I would smell his breathe it's like he bathed in it.

"Do you think him drinking it had any part in what he did to you?"

"No." He would have raped and beaten me sober, there had been several occasions where he had been sober.

"The scotch wasn't the problem." I say confidently.

"I want you to keep thinking about that." He says, and I nod. Thankfully, he puts the bottle away and I feel myself calm.

We end the session there, and I make my way over to Christian's exhausted from the day. He's not home yet, and I lay on the couch just wanting the world to pass me by. I hate that Stephen and Linc still have so much power over me. I want to get through my triggers, I can't keep letting them affect my life. I fall asleep, into a blissful nap thinking about the progress I've made. There was a time I wished I was dead. Now, I am just trying to live my life without letting my past weigh me down.

When I wake up I have no idea what time it is. There's a blanket on top of me that wasn't there when I fell asleep. Mrs. Jones is in the kitchen making dinner, and judging by the light coming through the windows, I assume Christian is home by now. I get up, and look in his office, finding him on his computer at his desk.

"Hey." I say, I sit on his lap, and snuggle as close to him as I can in the office chair.

"Hey, baby." He kisses the top of my head, and I smile.

"I had Welch get the information you wanted." He says, and I sit up a little. He gestures to the manila envelope on the desk and I open it. I find all of his business that he owns, and make a note of the ones I'm familiar with.

"Christian, do you have that money I gave you for your business?" I ask him. I don't want his money by any means. It was a gift, not a loan. I also need some financial backing on this little project.

"You can have whatever you need, baby." He says, he opens something on his computer and when he shows me his bank account I stare in disbelief.

"You can have it all for all I care. I wouldn't be here today without you." He says, kissing my cheek. I'm still shocked by the numbers on the screen.

"I don't want it all. I only want you." I say, his money doesn't mean anything to me. I explain to him what more information I need. Unlike Christian, Lincoln Industries has a board of directors. I think that's my way in to all of this. He wants to give me full access to his financials, which I refuse. I just need enough for the plan I have formulating in my head, no more than that. It's his money that he worked hard for, and I won't have people thinking I'm a golddigger after his money.

We eat dinner together, talking about the options I have with Lincoln Industries.

By the time Friday morning rolls around, I'm all too excited to be back at work. We are rehearsing our group performance, getting it ready for tomorrow night. We are doing it on stage, so that we have everything set up just like it will be for tomorrow. We are mid song when there's a commotion at the large double door at the end of the isle of seats. A group of paparazzi come storming through the doors. Everyone on stage stops immediately, and stare frozen. What feels like a million lights and cameras flashing, come towards us. "Anastasia Steele." "High School" "Christian Grey." "Dating." "Billionaire" "Money" All their words form together, and I can't make sentences out of any of them. When they start getting on the stage, I panic. I run to the nearest exit, some of them getting blocked off by Sawyer. Where is Prescott? Jose comes running towards me and leads me to one of the dressing rooms. He locks it and shoves furniture in front of it blocking the door off, and we hide. I'm sitting on the floor past the barricade, panicked. They have been around the building, some of them sneaking in on occasion. Sawyer always got them away from me before they accosted me. I never would have expected a mob of media coming straight towards me. During practice nonetheless, what if they fire me? Who knows the damage they caused.

"Ana, calm down. Give me your phone." He says, and I hand him my phone with shaking fingers. I vaguely hear him talking on the phone. I hear commotion outside the door, someone tries to open the door, and I panic even further. "Ana?" I hear a female voice call out. I don't recognize it at first.

"It's Jose." Jose calls out for me, afraid that someone found us.

"It's Prescott." She announces herself, and I'm thankful it's only her outside the door.

"She's in here. She's safe." Jose answers for me.

"I'll be here." She says, but I still don't feel completely at ease. They got through her once already.

No further movement, and we sit staring at the door.

"Ana it's going to be okay." He tries to comfort me, but I can't calm down. Another try at the door, after I don't know how long.

"Ana it's me!" I hear Christian's voice through the door.

"Christian!" I yell, finally moving from my spot on the floor. I'm helping Jose push the couch out of the way and unlocking the door. I fall into his arms, finally feeling myself calm down.

"It's okay, baby. They're gone." He assures me, and I regain my senses.

"What happened?" I ask, why did they suddenly bombard our practice?

"They got through security as a pack, and Prescott couldn't get to you in time. There were too many of them. They are pissed I haven't given a statement." He explains. I know he's as surprised by what happened as I am.

"Chrsitian. Everyone is probably so mad at me. I ruined the rehearsal." I say, not really caring about anything else.

"You're fine baby. I'm just glad you're safe." I never realized the media could be so vicious.

"Christian, I should go finish practice." I say, I already ruined part of the day.

"Okay. I'll stay back here for you to finish." I head back into the auditorium, afraid of what's ahead of me. Everyone is cleaning up some of the lights, and others are standing around gossiping.

"Ana, I have to say the knights in shining armour are impressive." Jojo says, her and Kaycee are standing with a group of dancers.

"Huh?" Is all I say unsure of what happened while I was locked away.

"Grey and his men came storming the building to get the media out. I have to say I haven't seen anything like it. It was like the DEA on a drug raid." Kaycee chips in. I can only imagine what it looked like with Christian and his team of security swarming the building. I'm surprised he didn't land a helicopter out front.

"I'm sorry." I say, going to help the group cleaning up.

"You don't have to be sorry. I didn't realize we had a celebrity." I can't tell whether they are trying to lighten the mood or if they are pissed at me.

"I'm not a celebrity." I say, far from it.

"You're dating Christian Grey." Kaycee points out. I just shrug. He's just Chris, to me.

"Leave her alone, you guys." Jose tries to come to my defense. They stop their questions, and make themselves busy while we clean some of the broken lights up. After we replace the bulbs, we do two more practices before deciding we have everything ready for tomorrow.

Christian's POV

I'm mid meeting when I get a call from Ana, I answer, ignoring the department heads in the room.

"Christian. It's Jose. Ana is in trouble. You need to get down here?" I panic, and rush out of the office, passing andrea I tell her "Taylor. 911. All hands on deck." I rush towards the elevators, knowing that Taylor will understand my 911 message. If I'm in a panic, it's for a reason. If I ask for all hands, I want the best of the best.

"What happened?" I ask Jose on the phone, I only needed to hear Ana and trouble to be panicked.

"The media is everywhere. You need to get down here quick." The elevator seems to take forever.

"Are you safe?" Please tell me he got her away from those sleazy fuckers.

"For now, yes. Just hurry. I hear him tell Ana it's okay and I rush off the phone before the elevator opens to the garage. Taylor is waiting ready in the SUV, and when I get in I tell him the situation. Thankfully, 4 other SUVs follow us with sixteen of the best security men from my building. I know I'm leaving Grey house short handed but this is an urgent matter. There's no time to call the police, and I want this dealt with quickly and efficiently. I understand Sawyer and Prescott are probably beating off the pap's, but what the fuck were they doing before they got in the building? How did so many of them get through the doors and where was Prescott? Why is Jose with Ana and not Sawyer? What kind of Clusterfuck situation is this? When we get there and enter the auditorium it only takes about 10 minutes from the time Jose called. I walk behind my dozen or so members of security and each one of them hand picks the pap's and grabs them to leave. Sawyer is found trying to get the group of pap's out by himself. Where the fuck is Prescott? When I look for the dressing rooms that Jose mentioned, I see Prescott standing by one of the doors. I know instantly that Ana is in there and run to the door trying to open it and find it look. I look at Prescott who has the decency to stand guard of the hallway.

"Ana it's me!" I call, open the door baby. When she opens the door, and falls into my arms I'm so thankful she's okay. The relief sets through me.

"Okay. I'll stay back here for you to finish." I can't let her go right now. I need to make sure she's safe. When she leaves I head to Mrs. Anderson's office. I don't want to make trouble for Ana, but I need to make sure this never happens again. She lets me review the security tapes, and just as I guessed they push past Prescott with enough force to push an elephant down, and although Prescott attempts to stop them she's outnumbered. I watch Ana escape with Jose, and Sawyer and Prescott fight the paparazzi off. After they manage to keep a few of them at bay, Prescott makes herself disappear to find Ana. Most of them run off trying to find Ana, but most of them stick around interviewing the dancers. I watch all the way up to where my security comes bursting through the door.

After assuring me that my donation to upgrade security will be put to use to make sure everything is in place by tomorrow night. I decided to write another check, and make sure this place is as equipped as Grey House. Everyone has already gone far away from the scene for fear of getting arrested for trespassing. I kept four guys here to monitor the building and the rest went back to Grey House. I offer Mrs. Anderson a phone number, which happens to be Barney's and tell her to have him get her whatever she needs and quickly or I will never be making another donation to her again. I covered security expenses for the rest of this building's existence. I know it's her family's company, and she refuses to sell. No amount of money can take away a person's lifelong dream, and that I can understand. She promises me that if she ever decided to change her mind I'll be the first to know. I don't count on it, and it was just better to do everything I could, apart from buying the company. I don't see anything wrong with making sure it has state of the art security.

I'm so glad when I finally get to take Ana home. I'll rest easy knowing that she will be safe tomorrow when she returns. I know there will be media there tomorrow, but I plan on releasing a statement saying that Ana is my girlfriend and asking for privacy on my personal life. I'm a businessman, not a movie star, I don't want all the attention on my personal life. If they want to write articles and harass me about my business ventures, go right ahead. Don't harass the love of my life just because you're curious.

Ana's POV

Exhausted from the events that happened today, I fall asleep quickly. By the time that I have to head to the studio, I feel ready for tonight's performance. Christian has assured me that tonight will go off without a hitch. I'm excited for today's show, and I am completely ready when showtime hits. After a few of the starting performances, I dance my solo to when the party's over. After, I change my outfit for the final piece. There's one last solo, and then we are all ready for the final piece. The curtains open and Jose and I ready ourselves in the dark, staring to dance as lights start to flicker around us.

Take your eyes off of me so I can leave. I'm far too ashamed to do it with you watching me. This is never ending, we have been here before, but I can't stay this time cause I don't love you anymore. Please stay where you are. Don't come any closer. Don't try to change my mind. I'm being cruel to be kind.

I dance with my light by my side, like it's Christian who has given me this light I won't let anyone take it away. The love I'm running from is Andrew's hold on me.

I can't love you in the dark. It feels like we're oceans apart. There is so much space between us. Maybe we're already defeated.

You have given me something that I can't live without. You mustn't underestimate that when you are in doubt, but I don't want to carry on like everything is fine. The longer we ignore it all the more that we will fight. Please don't fall apart. I can't face your breaking heart. I'm trying to be brave. Stop asking me to stay.

That's why I can't love you in the dark. It feels like we're oceans apart. There is so much space between us. Maybe we're already defeated.

Cause everything changed me, and I don't think you can save me.

Feeling lighter, we take our bows. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for being there, and being my light. I love you Christian Grey.