"Oh my God, I feel horrible…"
Pam groaned as she sat beside Ryan on the small hospital bed in the chemotherapy room. It was the week of Valentine's day and both were spending their morning together as snow gently fell from the gray skies outside.
In this small amount of time, there had been lots of changes in Pam and Ryan's life's. Pam admitted that she did have feelings for Ryan and that she was just terrified now knowing how sick she was and that she had decided on keeping the baby. There really wasn't a lot that could be done other then just hoping. It was so much pressure on the two that after Pam had ran into Ryan's arms she invited him inside her parent's house where they just sat together talking for hours. Both admitted they were scared, and truly had no idea what they were going to do. It seemed as though it was some unspoken thing that both now knew how they truly felt about each other. Sitting there on Pam's parent's couch, Ryan held Pam in his arms and promised her everything was going to be all right. That's when Pam wiped her tear filled eyes and made a promise herself. He wasn't going to do this alone, much like the same promise he told her in the coffee shop when they decided they were going to raise this baby together. She told him if his family didn't care then her and this baby would be his family. That she would take care of him and make damn sure he would beat this thing and watch their baby grow up. Ryan smiled listening to her, thinking how funny a few life changing events could change two people. He knew he loved her now and that all these promises would in time be broken. But until then…he would fight beside her.
Pam's parents were very supportive and even offered for the two of them to stay with them. Instead Ryan said he wanted to go on with a normal lifestyle as long as he could. Both weren't fully sure on where their relationship was now, only that both were having this baby together and were going through Ryan's illness together. They now held hands, and each other. They kissed here and there in the beginning, still awkward and slightly shy about the entire thing. Both would nervously laugh whenever Ryan would visit her and walk to his car, saying goodbye they would kiss once on the cheek and then once quickly on the lips. Both holding back from blushing as their hearts pounded in their chests.
Pam told her mother that she really did think now that she was falling in love with him.
Ryan's family were supportive, but knowing that Pam was still continuing with the pregnancy caused some arguments. Ryan told his mother that this was what they wanted and if she didn't like it then it was her fault for not caring. His brothers called him a few times a week and tried to help out, both were very friendly to Pam and seemed happy for him. Ryan most nights would lay awake worrying, he felt perfectly fine…why was this happening to them? Pam meanwhile would go into crying fits in private. She prayed that all of this would be one big nightmare. She was ready to have this baby with Ryan…but to loose him? She couldn't grasp her mind around it just when she started opening her heart again.
Both informed Toby shortly after their first doctor's visit. The entire time Ryan squeezed Pam's hand as the doctor looked her over and let them listen to the heartbeat. They couldn't see the baby just yet on the fuzzy little screen, but the doctor informed them the baby seemed perfectly healthy and everything was going fine. Ryan seemed almost more excited then Pam when they left. Pam kept smiling as they drove back, looking at his eyes sparkle as he talked about the baby and it's heartbeat.
That's when they decided to go to Toby and break the news of Pam's pregnancy. They would wait, Pam was only three months so far, and Ryan thought maybe waiting another month wouldn't be that bad of an idea. He wanted to be safe about this. Instead Pam told him word got around the office so quickly that as nervous as they were, it would be better to just break the news right away. Of course everything went as Ryan saw it. Kelly was listening as Pam and Ryan told Toby who looked completely stunned. Right away in just a few minutes Pam's pregnancy was known all around the office. Both were very embarrassed since mostly everyone had the same reaction.
"You two? We never knew you guys were together?"
Angela and Dwight of course met them with disapproving looks, Kelly cried, and Michael came out smiling ear to ear before touching Pam's stomach.
"Well I know one thing! This baby is going to be hot!"
Pam felt uncomfortable as she stood back, Ryan stood right by her side. Both could of died just then, but knew it was best to let everyone know.
Both Pam and Ryan decided to keep his illness under wraps, it wasn't anyone's business and Ryan wanted to keep working until he couldn't. Pam was his cheerleader and told him he would be fine, maybe if the treatments worked they wouldn't have to tell anyone at all. Ryan just smiled and told them sure. He knew this was a lot for her and the gossip in the office still hadn't died down. Everyone always stared at them and asked questions.
"Are you two together?" "Are you getting married?" "When did this happen? Was it a one night stand?" "How are you guys going to do this? Are you raising it together?" "How long have you known?" "How far along are you?" "Are you two seeing each other?"
It was so much, but anytime Pam felt overwhelmed she would just look over at Ryan at his desk and he would wink at her, making her smile and making her forget about her worries for just a moment. It had only been less then a month but both were doing this together.
A week after they had told everyone in the office, Pam and Ryan went to Ryan's first doctor's appointment dealing with what was going on. They discussed what the tumors would do, what would start happening within a timeline, and of course treatment. Inside Ryan knew the treatment really wouldn't do anything, much like how he was informed the first time. Dr. Marks told him treatment would slow things down, but more then likely make things much more painful for him. But for Pam treatment was all this wanted to talk about. Ryan knew now, she was in love with him.
Pam seemed very on edge, but put together as she talked with the doctor, listening closely and looking over all the different options, whenever Ryan tried talking about how it might not work she wouldn't hear any of it.
"Of course it's going to work…it has to."
He saw how desperate she was, so he just went along for the ride.
The chemotherapy was an off option for these tumors, but Dr. Marks told them in several cases certain types of treatment would get into the bloodstream and begin to shrink the tumors. That was all Pam needed to hear.
The two still lived at their separate places, and came to work in their own cars. Everyone was still talking behind their backs and it seemed now at every possible moment Michael was saying something to Ryan and winking at Pam. But the two had began trying to find a balance in their now crazy life. They saw each other every night at their own places. They would have dinner, talk, watch TV and try to make each other laugh. All Pam seemed to want to talk about was how he was feeling and when the next hospital visit would be. Ryan just wanted to talk about the baby.
Now the two sat together as everyone else, sickly cancer ridden patients surrounding them as nurses made their rounds. Pam was dressed in pink sweats and a long sleeve T-shirt, her hair tied back in a ponytail. Ryan meanwhile more a hoddie and jeans, both looked exhausted and drained. Pam groaned, shutting her eyes before Ryan grabbed the small plastic bucket that was on the counter beside them and held it in front of her. The morning sickness had gotten really bad lately. Dry heaving at first, Pam threw up a little as Ryan held the bucket and rubbed her back. Seconds later his own face turned pale and the second Pam brought her head up he put his face in front of it and threw himself. Pam reached her arms around his waist for comfort as he threw up again, straining with all his muscles. After a minute he spit, wiped his mouth and grabbed a tissue and handed one to Pam while he used the other himself. Just then one of the nurses came over with ice chips and smiled.
"You two are really amazing."
Both Ryan and Pam looked up, they were exhausted.
Setting down the ice chips, the nurse explained she had never seen a couple so close before. Telling them to yell if they needed anything, she gave them a new bucket and walked away. Ryan laid back, bringing Pam with him, Both laid together as Pam put her head on his chest.
"You hear that? We're a couple."
Ryan smirked.
"Yeah…I guess so."
Pam sighed looking around the room before looking back at him.
"What if we really were?"
"Huh?"
"A couple…like maybe really be together."
"Is that what you want?"
"Is it what you want?"'
"Of course it is…but Pam, I'm sick and…"
"Shhhh…don't."
"But I have to."
Pam shook her head.
"No…I want you Ryan, just like how I want you to get better and raise this baby with me."
Ryan stared down at her, feeling his heart dully ache. He never felt so tired before in his life. Finally he nodded.
"Okay."
Pam smiled.
"Really?"
"Yeah."
Pam snuggled beside Ryan as he stared up at the ceiling, he all ready sensed things were falling apart.
A few hours later Pam drove him back to her place. It was a Saturday and they didn't have work. Helping him on the couch, she covered him with one of her blankets and told him she was fixing lunch.
"I'm really not that hungry…"
Pam looked at him.
"You're starting these new meds, you need to eat."
Ryan rubbed the side of his temple, his head was pounding.
"No it's okay…I'll eat later, you eat."
"No."
Ryan looked up.
"What?"
Pam put her hands on her hips.
"If you're not going to eat then I'm not going to eat."
"Pam come on…"
"No, I'll starve myself and our baby if you keep this up. We agreed I was going to help you right?"
Ryan looked up at her.
"Right."
"Then you're having something."
Watching her storm into the tiny kitchen Ryan couldn't help but laugh. She had so much energy and was so feisty. A few minutes later they ate together even though Ryan felt sick to his stomach. He held back from throwing up.
"Pam…I think I should let Toby know what's going on."
"With what?"
"This. The doctor's said these treatments are going to make things worse…I'll be weaker and I'm going to start feeling the effects soon."
Pam shot him a look.
"I think you're jumping the gun."
"Pam I feel horrible and this is just the beginning…I can't lie about this."
Pam stared at her plate that sat on the coffee table in front of him. She bit down on her bottom lip, her eyes worried.
Ryan knew once they said it out loud to other people it would be a reality. That so much was happening so fast that Pam could barley wrap her mind around it. Here she was barley four months pregnant and the man she was having this baby with was dying. That within eighteen months he would die or be bedridden. Ryan hated himself for this. They had planned on so many things and here it was crashing away. Before any of this had happened Pam's biggest problem was being bored at work, dreaming of going to art school, and missing Jim. Now here she was pregnant and the guy she was falling in love with was sick and would leave her within time.
"Okay, if that's what you want."
"I don't want this to upset you Pam. I know how people can be at work…I'll talk to them."
Pam snorted.
"Yeah good luck with that…"
Ryan then put his arm around her shoulders and brought her in closer.
"Hey, don't be sad…we're a couple now remember?"
Pam looked up at him and gave a soft smile, her eyes looked glassy like tears were coming. Ryan kissed the top of her head before looking serious into her eyes.
"Promise me something?"
"Anything."
"Don't do that again."
"What?"
"Use the baby was a threat. Pam I'm sick…don't take it out on the baby."
"Ryan…"
"No I'm serious…okay?"
Pam nodded.
"I'm just really scared."
"I know…"
Both stared at each other before Ryan opened his mouth again.
"Pam I…l-lov.."
"Shhhh, I know."
Pam then reached up and kissed him.