I know, I know. I'm so sorry. Have I lost all of my reviewers because I made you guys wait too long? I hope not! I'm prepared to get on my knees and beg for forgiveness!
Idea submitted by Araloth the Random
Dear Elrond,
Here's the deal: What would you do if you loved some random Elf-chick you met in the forest, and said Elf-chick's dad gets pissed and sends you off on a mission to get three sparkly jewels from the Dark Lord's crown? Oh, and then you get imprisoned by the aforementioned Dark Lord's chief servant. It seems I'm in a slight bit of trouble, so if you have any suggestions, please send them to the Tower of Tol Sirion, Beleriand, care of Sauron. Thanks, dude.
Beren the One-Handed
P.S: Oh, and you might want to help out on this one - you're going to be one of my descendants, apparently.
***
Dear Beren,
YOU. It's because of YOU that I'm going through this hell with my daughter!
YOU.
I've half a mind to completely ignore your letter. But, as you said, if you're dead then who knows what the hell is going to happen to my ancestors, so against my better judgment…
Have your future wife (did I spoil the ending for you? I'm sorry) sing something pretty and yadayadayada some stuff will happen and blahblahblah Manwë will send some eagles and everything will be wonderful.
Wasn't that just terribly helpful?
Lord Elrond
Idea submitted by Jedi Master Luthien
Dear Adar,
Why does Elrohir have more fangirls than me? We're identical twins, for crying out loud! I'm even 7.4391728 minutes older than him. This is not fair!
A very disgruntled Elladan
***
Dear Elladan,
Well, dear son, for some reason females seem to be attracted to males who are, dare I say, sensitive.
I know. I don't understand it either.
But, nevertheless, I really do think it's the twincest fangirls who you should be wary of, and not your brother's fangirls. Actually, you should be glad that you have less because really they're scary little brats.
Lord Elrond
Idea submitted by Melibells
Dear Elrond,
Ever since we got back to the Shire, life just hasn't seemed as exciting as before. We've all gone back to our normal routines and, well...it has gotten quite boring. As such, Merry, thinking that he is cleverer, has taken to playing pranks on everyone. I admit it was fun watching those being pranked, but I unfortunately have become one of them.
It was after one night in which I had perhaps one too many refills to my mead, ale, some pirate rum...oh at that point I don't even remember what I drank...and woke up with a horrible headache and no hair on my feet! Now, as you know, this is one important feature for any distinguished hobbit, and having no foot hair has severely diminished my confidence so much so, that I've considered investing in some shoes...or at least some socks. But how foolish that would look! How am I to find a nice girl now?!?! Anyways, I was wondering if you had any ideas on how to get back at him. And perhaps any ideas on what to do about my feet.
I'd appreciate any suggestions,
Pippin
***
Dear Pippin,
Like usual, I will refer all prank requests to my demon-sons because I can't be seen giving advice of that nature…it will lead to nothing good.
As for your feet, I have noticed that Mithrandir (or Gandalf as you silly little hobbits know him) has insanely shaggy eyebrows. Maybe someday when he's sleeping you could sneak over to him and with a little snipsnip and some adhesive, why, you could have hairy feet once more!
Let me know how it goes…
Lord Elrond
Idea submitted by Robbie the Phoenix
Dear Elrond
I just wanted to let you know that we of the Society Against the Abuse of Sentient Inanimate Objects (SAASIO) find your treatment (direct or indirect) of the One Ring to be appalling, and you will be hearing from our lawyers within a month.
Hope you are well,
The Hogwarts Sorting Hat
Co-Leader of SAASIO
(Written by the Hogwarts Enrolment Quill)
***
Dear the Hogwarts Sorting Hat,
First of all, congratulations on your marriage to the Scarf of Sexual Preference. I do hope you have a nice life together. As for the treatment of the One Ring, have you ever met that ridiculous thing? Because if you had then you would be begging me to continue my "abusive treatment" on the stupid golden band.
Lord Elrond
P.S: Oh, and my lawyers actually have brains and opposable thumbs, so don't mess.
Idea submitted by TheFightingTemeraire
Dear Elrond,
I was playing my bongos on the balcony last evening when I saw this odd little creature bumbling about the walkway below saying something about a ring and how he wanted to see it only one more time. It was a very strange thing to overhear. This isn't what concerns me however. What I was really wondering
about is why he appears to be a guest of yours (he had on a very small Last Homely House fluffy white bathrobe), and why on Arda I cannot tell WHAT he is. The last time you had a guest was about sixty years ago, and if I remember correctly the guest was a slight bit taller, though I cannot be sure when it concerns mortals.
Cordially,
Lindir
***
Dear Lindir,
Ah, well, I've told Bilbo a thousand times not to wander around at night, as the elves could quite possibly mistake him for a very large rabbit or perhaps a rather small dragon (though the former is more likely) and shoot him…
I'll have to talk to him once more. And Bilbo is a hobbit, you silly minstrel. Jeez.
Lord Elrond
P.S: I so do enjoy your rendition of "Womanizer" on your bongos. Could you possibly come and play it for me later?
P.P.S: Ignore the part about the ring. A ring? What ring? Who? Where am I?
Idea submitted by Dinelleth
Dear Elrond,
Last night I had the strangest dream in which I watched as Boromir and the Lady Galadriel made love passionately on the Lawn while he was in Lórien. Now this has me confused. I was told by Aragorn that Boromir had said he could not find any peace there and wasn't the Lawn the place where the Fellowship
stayed? If so would they would have had to see them and judging from what I saw it would have been quite a show!
Anyway I would appreciate your clarification on this.
Sincerely,
Faramir
***
Dear Faramir,
Er, that is quite disgusting. Almost as disgusting as Gimli lusting after my mother-in-law. Please never repeat that to anyone else, or it's quite possible the nice men in white coats will come and take you away.
Lord Elrond
Idea submitted by Aearwen22
To: TheHeadDelinquent at Rivendell . elfrealm . ME
From: GreatElvenking at Mirkwood . elfrealm . ME
Subject: Advice column my ass!
Dear Perv:
I am shocked - SHOCKED, I tell you - to discover that not only is my one and only air-headed heir shacked up with a DWARF (Ew… kissing around all that hair has got to be just… yuck! *shudder*) has a Prince Albert AND one of those "extra" adornments with… erm… reinvigorating properties (that musta HURT, dontcha think - and do you think that would give the fangirls a better…. Never mind…) only to be informed by a recently deceased messenger (not my fault - he shoulda ducked!) that it was YOU who advised this…this…
Oh Elrond! How could you?!
This is even worse than the drag queen act that he learned in Rohan (which is your fault too, because you sent him on that blasted Quest. I had him SO nicely caged at home before YOU stuck your toes in…) and embellished with new moves from Erestor (the one with that thing he does with his hips IS quite
intriguing; although when I tried it, all I did was throw my back out.) As a father (those monsters ARE yours, right?) I would have thought you'd have known better!
So… This is your fault. You fix it. I insist. You SO owe me huge for this one, sucker!
Oh yes. And, by the way, while I appreciate your attempt to provide me quality feminine companionship by urging me to hook up with this "Mirror Image" being, it seems she found livelier sport long before she came anywhere near my Halls. I am told that the new sounds that accompany her revised song come from none other than Haldír of Lothlórien. And my squirrels have informed me that you are attempting to ride to his rescue.
Well, be informed that your heroic efforts may be underappreciated. Not all those shrieks sound horrific - there are an awful lot of giggles, both masculine AND feminine, not to mention more than a few easily-understood "Yee-Haw!"s. I do believe the two love-birds have found an abandoned
spider web, turned it into a hammock, and are enjoying whatever it is they're doing while hanging suspended from two trees. If you insist on your rescue attempt, just follow the giggles. It's as good as SONAR. The spiders will enjoy the peace and quiet again, and have asked me to tell you thank you in advance.
Remember: send me back my son, sans Prince Albert and resized One Ring. And do NOT include the Dwarf in the package, if you hope to find peace at any time in the near or distant future. Understand? NO DWARF!
Thranduil - Great and Powerful King of the Greenwood (who knows better than to write advice columns and get himself in trouble. That he leaves to you. Yee-Haw!)
***
To: ChestHair at Mirkwood . elfrealm . ME
From: GreatElvenLord at Rivendell . elfrealm . ME
Subject: Oh, poor, naïve Thranduil…
Dear Lame-o,
Listen, dumbass: King Henry VIII hasn't been born yet, and therefore divorce still isn't invented. I know you read this advice column every week (you're not fooling anyone—I know the lovesick anonymous entries that don't get put in the column are from you!) and if you're too stupid to realize that you raised a MORON then it isn't my problem.
In short, piss off.
Now that I've gotten that out of my system, labradorite is on her way to rescue Haldír (I don't believe a word you say, as I have personally spoken to Haldír about his rivalry with MI and I can assure you that his heart and "Yee-Haw!"s belong to someone else) so you should expect her within a few days. If you want to keep her there, I wouldn't say no.
And how exactly would you know that Legolas is sans Prince Albert & co.? Hmm? I mean, I know incest has been embraced in the fanfiction community, but c'mon…that's just wrong.
Lord Elrond
Idea submitted by JimandSteve
Dear heehee Elrond,
I have, uh, these scars you see on my face and I'm constantly having people come up to me and ask me how I got them. So, instead of being boring, I've been coming up with lots of different stories (don't worry, nothing too far from the truth. I'm a man of simple taste) only one very big problem has
happened. I really don't remember how I DID get them.
Batsy here told me you're an elf, so OBVIOUSLY you have all the answers. So...here's what we're going to do. Find out how I really got my scars or I'll give your sons much needed…erm…smiles.
The Joker
***
Dear the Joker,
How the hell am I supposed to know how you got those scars? I've only seen your new movie once (it was quite good, for the record. You're scary as hell) and it was so damn long that by the end I had forgotten all the stories you told!
I'll tell you what. Think of the 34th story you told, and settle on that one as the real one. Sound good?
Lord Elrond
Idea submitted by TheOneAndOnlyGlitter
Dear Lord Elrond,
I'm not sure how exactly I'm writing to you, but at this point I don't care because I'm so desperate. You see, my life was good at first; I had an owner named Steve who treated me well even though it seemed that he was high all the time and saw "clues" randomly floating above his head. I know. What a nut job.
Later on, he went off to college (even though he looked to be in his 30s) and I got stuck with his brother Joe. Joe was just weird and to be honest I didn't like him that much, but I prefer being with him than how my life is now. Somehow, I got turned into a puppet! How did I deserve that? Well, you're an elf and you're wise, do you have any idea how to get me back to normal?
Please help!
Blue Who needs a Clue
***
Dear Blue,
You know, I didn't know you were a girl until someone told me! I suppose that's just sexist of me, but I thought you were male and your friend Violet was your girlfriend, or something. Isn't that silly?
Anyway, I do not possess powers to make puppets back into cartoon dogs, but I think my friend Pinocchio might, so you should ask him. He's a real boy, after all.
Lord Elrond
Dear Elrond,
THE VOW I MADE WAS FOR HERRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
And I royally effed up. Help?
Prince Derek
***
Haldír and labradorite have composed the reply to this letter via cell phone, as Elrond couldn't figure out a nice way to tell Prince Derek he's a total loser.
Dear Derek,
You should write a book. How to Offend Women in Five Syllables or Less. We've started some for you.
Well, there's the classic: What else is there?
You look like my dad.
Your face is shiny.
I'd rather not.
My therapist says…
You smell like fish.
What is that?
Don't touch that.
Good thing love is blind.
Make me dinner.
Wear something else.
It's not that small.
This won't take long.
That's what she said.
Tickle my fancy.
Who are you?
That tastes weird.
Put those away.
You should shave.
Those should get you started nicely. I'm sure you'll find some more ways to insult the "love of your life."
Haldír
My Dearest Elrond-muffin-pants,
You know my love for you runs deeper than a bowl of rice, but I must speak with you about something. I went to talk to your friend Thranduil and not only was he completely unhelpful (there were random women running around half-dressed and speaking in a very confusing way. But he seemed to enjoy it, so I took some notes) but he threw me into the forest! He was not very welcoming at all.
Haldír (he is quite dashing, isn't he? I didn't realize the elf who was writing back to me all this time was so cute!) found me first (well, technically some spider whose collar read "Bruno" found me first, but that isn't the point) and we're on our way back to Imladris.
That partner of yours (you aren't cheating on me, are you, honey? I understand if you are, but we should at least talk about a three-some first) isn't making the trip back with us, I don't know why, but I'm happy to have more private time to stare and drool at Haldír.
Don't be jealous, my love. No one could ever take your place in my heart.
We'll be back soon, and then our romance can commence once more.
With all of my love and a bowl of rice,
Mirror Image
P.S: wud u like it if i tlkd lyke this? Teh fangrlz do + thranduil is vry happy bout it! lolz xoxo
***
Dear Mirror Image,
Your face is shiny.
Lord Elrond
A/N: I think someone stole my muse…so if you see a purple fluffy thing wandering around with a nametag that says "Ronnie's Muse" on it, could you please FedEx it back to me? Thanks.
Police Officer/Sailor/Pirate/Firemen/Doctor characters for reviewers this time! I think some role-plays are in order ;D Enjoy!
And thank you to those of you who have reviewed anonymously and who have added this story to their Favorites. Your love is what has kept this story going :)