This Means War!
Featuring: The Fifth Doctor and the Hatter, along with brief appearances of companions Tegan, Turlough, and Lily Winters.
"Are you sure you won't stay?" the Doctor asked hopefully, his hands stuck inside the pockets of his cream and red striped trousers, standing just outside the front of his TARDIS doors, while the Hatter leant casually against the doorframe of her own TARDIS, parked next to his own, currently disguised as a large, abstract alien sculpture.
They had just spent the afternoon together with their companions walking amongst the alien market place located on an asteroid famous for its technology, pausing here and there as they went to take a peek at the alien stalls, the Doctor and the Hatter practically giddy with childlike excitement as they bounced from stall to stall, much to their companions exasperation. It had been a wonderful day, however, though the Doctor would argue that any day that he got to spend in the Time Lady's company was always amazing, even when being shot out or thrown in prison, which they had thankfully managed to avoid this time.
The Hatter gave him a knowing little smile, her forest green eyes twinkling and the light catching her brown hair just right, making it almost look dark red, "It is very tempting…" she said slowly, and he felt his hearts skip a beat, "But…I still have so much left to do out there," she went on, her expression softening, "I'm sure we'll see each other soon enough, you'd get bored of me if we spent all day together".
He forced a smile onto his lips, though his hearts weren't in it, "Never," he said at once, "I could never get bored of you, my dear, Hatter. It's one of your many amazing talents".
"Just as one of your many talents is flattery, Doctor".
He laughed at that and she quickly joined in, "Well…" his laughter died, but his smile remained, tinged slightly with sadness, "Until we see each other again, Dame Hatter…" he gave her a tiny wink and even risked giving her a cheeky bow, knowing how much it would annoy her.
The Hatter huffed and crossed her arms over her chest, her eyes narrowing in a glare, "Is that truly how you wish to play this, Lord Doctor?"
"I was merely saying my farewells, you can't possibly be upset with me for that," he said innocently, though his baby blue eyes glimmered playfully.
"Oh, I know exactly what you were doing, mister," she pointed a finger at him, still looking slightly annoyed, though the lightness of her tone reassured him that she wasn't really upset, "And I have to give you credit for the cheek. Lily!" she called suddenly, making him blink at her sudden change of attention as she turned towards where her young companion was standing a few feet away, speaking to the Doctor's own companions, Tegan Jovanka and Turlough, "Come along, now. We'd best be on our way, we've got adventures awaiting us!"
Lily pushed her glasses up her nose, looking a little surprised and disappointed, "Are we leaving so soon?" she asked, looking over to them.
The Hatter raised her eyebrows at her, "And here I thought you would be eager to leave," she commented, eyeing her with a hint of amusement, "I do seem to recall you moaning about a lack of clothing stalls".
"Well, I just thought that we would…" she paused, glancing briefly at the Doctor and quickly away again, a faint blush filling her cheeks, much to the Doctor's suspicious eyes as he noticed Tegan and Turlough exchange a quick look, "You know, hang out with this lot a while longer," she went on, waving a hand to Tegan and Turlough, "That's what you usually do, right?"
"Perhaps another time," she said lightly, the corner of her mouth twitching very slightly, much to the Doctor curiosity and slight trepidation that she was up to something. She reached behind her and pushed the hidden door of her TARDIS open, stepping aside as she made a dramatic sweeping gesture towards it, "Come along, Lily," she said with a sterner edge, making Lily sigh as she quickly nodded goodbye to Tegan and Turlough, before disappearing inside the time machine. Once her companion had stepped inside, the Hatter gave them all a bright smile, "We really must do this again, it was wonderfully fun".
"And no one ended up getting arrested or shot at," Tegan remarked dryly in her thick Australian accent.
"That must surely be a record," Turlough added, slipping his hands inside his trouser pockets.
The Time Lady laughed, shaking her head at them, "I look forward to our next meeting," she began to head inside her TARDIS, only to pause and look back to the Doctor, giving him a fleeting grin, "Though, I sense we'll be seeing each other sooner then we all know".
And with that rather mysterious goodbye, the Hatter disappeared inside the time machine and slammed the door shut before the Doctor even had a chance to try and ask what she meant by that, all three of them watching as the familiar wheezing noise filled the air and a light breeze ruffled their hair and clothing, until the mock stature dematerialised into the Time Vortex.
The Doctor stared at the spot that the time machine had been standing only moments ago for a long moment, the same sense of worry that always washed over him whenever he and the Hatter parted filling him. It terrified him, if he was being honest with himself, that something might happen to her while on one of her own adventures, he dreaded the idea that she might end up getting hurt and regenerating all by herself, even with her latest companion, Lily, with her, it still didn't ease his concerns because if anyone knew how best to handle a recently regenerated Time Lord, it was one of their own kind. And that wasn't even to mention if something went wrong with the regenerative process, he would never forgive himself if something like that happened. It was a very, very dangerous lifestyle that they both lived, after all. He could practically feel her old Gallifreyan signet necklace burning a hole in his breast pocket of his blazer right now.
"She'll be fine, Doctor," Tegan's soft voice broke through his thoughts, making him blink rapidly and look over to see his companions eyeing him with knowing looks.
He frowned very slightly and tugged at his blazer, straightening it, "Of course she will be," he said at once, annoyed that he had allowed his thoughts to show so clearly, though when it came to the Hatter, he didn't seem to be very good at concealing anything, even if she might be blind to it. Trying to recover some of his dignity, he turned to unlock his TARDIS and pushed the door open, striding inside the pale grey console room, only to stop short, staring in shock at his control panel in the middle of the room, "What the…"
The entire control panel was covered in brightly coloured sticky notes, covering every surface and control, some even cut in half in order to cover some of the smaller instruments. Even the Time Rotor had been plastid with sticky notes, making the console look like a badly wrapped, giant birthday present. Slowly, still feeling shocked by what he was witnessing, the Doctor reached out to pluck one of the notes off, only to blink as he found a smiley face with a top hat grinning back up at him cheekily from off the neon pink paper. If there had been any doubt as to who was responsible for this, there was none now.
"What on Earth happened to the console?" Tegan exclaimed, stepping into the room with Turlough, staring at the control panel with wide eyes.
"The Hatter happened," the Doctor replied absently, his eyes narrowed thoughtfully as he looked down at the smiley face calling card she had left behind for him.
"What?" Turlough raised his eyebrows, plucking one of the notes off the Time Rotor, "She did all of this?" he looked amused, throwing the Doctor a look, "Did you make her mad again?"
"No," he gave him a withering look, before looking back at the controls. Oh, she was good, though she always had been at pranks, how she found the time to do it, he had no idea since they had spent all day together. It was actually quite impressive, still, he couldn't allow her to get away with this, a smirk already crossing his face as he moved around the console, plucking bits of paper off the instruments as he went until he found the button he was looking for, pressing it and turning his attention across the room to the screen that appeared on the wall opposite.
"Why, hello stranger," the Hatter grinned as she appeared on the screen, actually holding a neon yellow pad of sticky notes in her hand, "I told you we'd be seeing each other sooner then you thought".
"Excellent prank, Hatter," the Doctor told her, his smile holding a slight edge to it, "Most impressive. Of course, you are aware that this means war, yes?"
"Oh, Doctor, why would you wish to embarrasses yourself? You might be able to win against the likes of the Master or the Daleks, but we both know that you can't out prank me".
He moved around the console until he was standing directly before the screen, meeting her eyes firmly, "I suppose we'll see," he said confidently.
"Yes," the Time Lady slowly broke into a smile, "I suppose we shall," she gave him a mocking little salute before ending the call, the screen fading to black.
The Doctor smiled to himself, staring at the screen without even seeing it, a million ideas already popping into his head on what he would do the next time he saw the Hatter. Oh, this was going to be so much fun.
…Six months later….…
"So, Doctor," the Hatter began as she strolled casually down the hallway of the Doctor's TARDIS towards her bedroom, glancing at the fair haired man beside her, "It's been a while, hasn't it?"
"A few months, I believe," the Doctor said with a small shrug, though the edge of his mouth was twitching.
She hummed in acknowledgement, eyeing the side of his face, "You know, I felt for certain that you would have pranked me by now," she remarked suspiciously, "I've been travelling with you for the past week and not once have you so much as switched the sugar for the salt. Have you perhaps come to your senses and realised that you can't win?" she grinned at him, raising her eyebrows smugly.
He scoffed loudly, giving her an amused look, "Hardly".
"Pity," she mock sighed, just as they reached her bedroom door, her name written in neat, loopy lettering in gold across the dark wood. She grabbed the door handle and looked back to him, smirking playfully, "Still, I suppose it's no fun beating you if you don't join in".
The Doctor merely smiled, sticking his hands inside his trouser pockets, "Shall we meet up in the music room later?" he asked her, making her narrow her eyes, though she didn't detect any hint of deception. Noticing her reaction only made him smile wider, enjoying watching her grow more and more suspicious of his every move, more paranoid. Of course, the moment that they stepped outside the TARDIS, their prank war was put on hold, but it was free for all once the adventure was over.
"Sounds like fun," she nodded slowly, still watching him closely, "I do rather feel like dancing, and you do play the piano so beautifully".
He gave her a sweeping, dramatic bow that made the Time Lady feel as though she ought to be wearing a large dress and offering him her hand to kiss, but she resisted the temptation. Instead, she mockingly curtsied and shook her head as she rose, laughing at their antics as she caught his grin as she pushed her bedroom door opened and stepped inside, closing it behind her.
She removed her beret from off her head and hanged it on her coat stand beside her door, before starting to kick her slightly muddy dark red Mary Jane's off. The adventure had been a little bit more then she had been expecting when the Doctor had offered to take Tegan to visit her grandfather, but as it so oftened happened, the TARDIS seemed to have had different plans and they ended up finding themselves in a little country village during the celebration of an old battle that had taken place centuries before hand, but there was more going on then what it first seemed, like usual. She was rather looking forward to her shower, and so she messily disregarded her clothing on the floor and grabbed a fresh set of the exact same navy blue skirt and navy and red striped peplum jumper with navy tights, laying them out on her made bed before heading into the bathroom.
The hot water felt wonderful, so much so that she couldn't help singing a totally random song that she didn't even know, but the tune had been catchy and she remembered the lyrics for the chorus, singing it at the top of her lungs as she finished soaking her hair and reached for the apple shampoo bottle sitting in the small square alcove built into the wall of the shower. She paused, however, her eyes narrowed as she realised just how easy it would be to switch the shampoo for something else, but as she carefully poured it into her hand, she found merely her apple scented shampoo. She checked the conditioner next, but once again it was perfectly fine. But just as she was starting to relax, carefully picking up the bar of soap and lather up the skin of her arms, did she realise that it wasn't actually working, in fact the bar even seemed to be more slippery then normal and she very nearly ended up losing an eye when it slipped violently out her hand, smashing into the wall.
"What the…" she blinked water out of her eyes, frowning deeply as she picked it up again, and that's when it hit her. The soap had a clear coating painted over it, clear nail polish, if she was to guess, that made it completely impossible to use and terribly slippery. She dropped the bar, glaring at the white tiled wall, "Oh, well done, Doctor," she muttered, impressed despite herself, "Well played".
She turned the water off and stepped out, bringing the bar of soap with her as she placed it on her vanity and grabbed her towel to dry herself, all the while imagining all the pranks she could pull to get the Doctor back for this little stunt. Oh, she was going to enjoy this, but first…she needed to return his 'gift' to him, she was rather tempted to throw it at his head for ruining her lovely shower, but she thought that might be a little extreme. Just a little.
…A Week Later….
The Doctor cheerfully whistled to himself as he strolled into the kitchen, he knew he should probably be worried, that he should be looking out for trip wires or whatever else the Hatter might come up with to get him back for the soap incident, but he wasn't. It was probably silly of him not to be, she had been rather cross with him and he still had a small bruise from where she had thrown it at him, only managing to clip his shoulder, much to the Time Lady's annoyance. But the Hatter hadn't shown any signs of being up to anything recently; she hadn't disappeared for hours on end or given him any little smirks that told him that he ought to be careful, so he was confident that he was safe for the time being. After all, he had taken six months before getting his revenge; she would surely wait a few months before doing anything, too.
"Good morning," he greeted Tegan, Turlough, and Lily as he entered the kitchen, finding them sitting at the large, rounded table in the middle of the room, eating their breakfasts, Turlough reading the newspaper.
"Someone looks chipper," Turlough noted, sipping something from his usual plain black mug.
"And why shouldn't I be?" he asked brightly, "It's a new day filled with possibilities".
Lily eyed him as he happily walked over to the fridge and grabbed the milk out, before leaning closer to Tegan, "Why do I get the feeling this is going to go horribly wrong?" she whispered to her, having a bad feeling.
Tegan leaned closer to her, her eyes fixed on the Doctor's back as he sat the milk down on the kitchen counter, humming to himself, "You're not the only one," she muttered, picking up her tea cup.
The Doctor was totally oblivious to the humans concerns, however, still humming happily to himself as he reached up to open the cabinet with the cups inside it, only to give a shriek of fright as something grey and furry suddenly came showering down upon his head in a great rush. He frantically began brushing himself down, while his companions and Lily all gasped loudly and jumped out of their seats. He quickly looked down at the floor, only to blink as he found himself surrounded by toy rats, and very obviously toy ones, too.
"Well…" an amused voice came from the doorway, "That was far more satisfying then I expected".
He whirled around, his eyes wide still with fright and his hearts feeling as though they were about to burst out of his chest, only to find the Hatter leaning casually against the doorframe with a cup of tea in her hands, smiling faintly, "Hatter!" he exclaimed, his voice still high pitched and embarrassingly squeaky, "You…you…"
She grinned wickedly, walking into the room, "Ready to give up?"
He narrowed his eyes, ignoring the toy rats as he marched over to her, stopping short a mere three inches away from her, towering over her height of 5'7, "This is so far from over," he promised her.
She leaned closer to him, her nose very nearly touching his, and even with his mind racing with ideas of how to defeat her he still wasn't able to stop himself from wanting to close the gap between them, the urge almost overwhelming him in the moment as he stared into her green eyes, feeling her warm breath flutter across his lips.
"Bring it on," she whispered, before winking wickedly and turning on her heel, walking back out of the door and disappearing off to the right of the hallway.
The Doctor stared after her, breathing heavily as he mentally struggled with the emotions filling him, the urge to chase after her and kiss her to the urge to want to win this war of theirs…and then kiss her. He barely restrained himself from going after her as he moved towards the door, but instead he made himself go off to the left, needing to distance himself if he had any chance of not doing something completely stupid right now. This whole prank war of theirs was affecting him a great deal more than he had anticipated.
Lily rolled her eyes as she picked up her tea cup, "When will those two just kiss already?" she sighed loudly, shaking her head. She had been travelling with the Hatter for several months now and even she was growing tired of the Time Lords obvious feelings for one another that the Hatter totally seemed to miss and the Doctor seemed to be repressing to the point of almost bursting.
"The Doctor does seem to be close to doing himself an injury if he keeps this up," Turlough remarked ideally, though he didn't seem to be overly interested since the excitement had faded, looking at his newspaper.
"They'll figure it out eventually," Tegan said with a shrug, "And if they don't, we can always revisit the locking them in a closest idea".
"Wouldn't work," Lily shook her head again, swallowing her mouthful of tea, "Tried it the other week, they just ended up telling each other scary stories, or something like that. Face it, the Hatter is to blind and the Doctor is to terrified, nothing's going to get them to admit it".
….Two Days Later…..…..
The Hatter moved around the Doctor's console, lightly running her hands over the controls as she did so, receiving a gentle hum from the ship. She crossed the room to where she had parked her own TARDIS, pulling her key out of her pocket and inserting it into the lock, but the moment she opened the door, an avalanche of bright coloured balloons suddenly came spilling out at her, forcing her to stumble backwards, instinctively holding her arm up to protect her face, though there really wasn't any harm that could be done to her from balloons.
She slowly uncovered her face, glaring at the doors of her TARDIS, balloons still spilling out as though the entire inside of her console had been filled by them, which it likely had been, "Doctor!" she shouted, wondering how she was supposed to get inside now.
Up the hallway, the Doctor's laugh echoed back to her, mocking her. Oh, he would pay!
…..…Three Days Later…..…..
The Doctor walked into his console room, only to stop short and groan loudly. The entire floor had been completely covered with white disposable cups, filled with water, some filled with black food dye to make the word 'Got you!' in large lettering. It must have taken hours, he was almost impressed…almost.
…..…..…Later….….….…
"This is getting completely absurd," Lily huffed as she stood in the console doorway, watching as the Doctor moved around the room, picking up the cups and dumping the water into a bucket.
"I know," Tegan agreed, speaking softly, "The other day I walked into the bathroom and a foghorn went off behind the door, I almost had a heart attack".
"I walked into a doorway that had been covered with plastic the other week," Turlough admitted with a disgruntled expression, his arms cross over his chest, not the slightest bit pleased.
"We have to do something," Lily muttered, looking thoughtful, "And I think I've got an idea…"
….…..Four Days Later…..….…..
The Doctor and the Hatter eyed each other as they walked down the hallway towards the swimming pool, neither one willing to take their eyes off the other whenever they were in the same space together, not trusting the other one not to have something planned. It was starting to take a toll on their friendship; they had barely spent any time together without constantly being suspicious and watchful of each other in weeks. They reached the double doors to the swimming pool and both stopped, eyeing one another carefully.
"After you," the Doctor waved his hand towards the doors.
"No, after you," the Time Lady said firmly. There was a long moment of silence, neither one of them daring to be the first to step over the threshold, "How about we go together?" she suggested slowly.
"Right…." he nodded, hesitating before reaching out to take her hand, feeling a rush of warmth spread through his chest at the simple contact with her.
Together, they both reached out to grasp a door handle each and looked at each other, nodding before swinging the doors open and stepping through together, when suddenly something lurid green with bright gold glitter came flying from above them, covering them completely as they barley had a chance to blink. They both gasped in shock, standing completely motionless as the substance clung to them, rolling down their faces and sticking to their clothing, completely coating their hair, before slowly looking at one another.
"Did you…?"
"Was that…?
They began, only to stop suddenly as they heard laughter coming from within the room itself, echoing off the tiled walls of the swimming pool. They looked up to find their companions practically rolling around on the floor with giggles; even Turlour was sniggering so hard that he was gripping his side.
"That was…priceless!" Lily gasped out between giggles.
"Should have seen your faces!" Tegan added breathlessly.
The Hatter blinked slowly, reaching up to take her soggy, slime covered hat off her head, "You ruined my hat," she said weakly, but it only seemed to make them laugh harder. Slowly, she looked back to the Doctor, unable to stop the slight smile from crossing her face at the sight of him covered from head to toe in green goo and glitter, until her smile turned into laughter herself.
The Doctor couldn't hold his laughter back either, wrapping his arm around her shoulders as they leant on each other in order to stay up right on the slippery floor and through their giggles, both quite a sight to see in their messy state.
"I think this call's for a truce, don't you, Hatter?" he asked her, grinning down at her.
She nodded at once, still giggling to herself, "Yes, Doctor," she agreed, "I rather think it does. Now…shall we race to the pool?" she raised her eyebrows challengingly.
The Doctor didn't even pause, instead he picked her up, making her yelp in surprise and ran with her over to the deep end of the pool and leaped in, both fully clothed and covered in slime, but neither of them cared as they emerged a moment later, playfully splashing one another as their companions soon joined them. It was all just fun and games, after all.
So how many of you thought I'd forgotten all about this story? I kind of just started writing this chapter and before I know it, I'd finished it, which I hadn't been expecting when I remembered the story suggestion that .ivy had sent to me years ago, so a big thank you to you. I do believe I only have one more suggestion left on the list from all those years ago, so I am making may way through it, slowly but surely.
I had a lot of fun writing this one-shot, I found most of the prank ideas online and that one about using clear nail polish on soap is brilliant, I never would have come up with that one. I imagine that the chapter is set shortly after 'The Five Doctors,' carrying through to just before 'Resurrection of the Daleks'. I hope you guys liked it, tell me what you thought and if you have any ideas for one-shots, please tell me. Please review :)