It was late, so I went back to my mansion, which was large and beautiful and empty because Fenris had killed all of my family and friends, except Orana who I whipped to get my frustration out, but it's ok because she's a servant. Actually, you know what, she was a slave. I stopped paying her. Take that, Fenris, you slaver whore!

Anyway, once she had recovered from her lashes and stopped crying, Orana told me that I had a letter for me in my letter drawer. I was upset, because everyone knows I can't read because I'm not a mage, but for some reason people keep sending me letters instead of talking to me face to face like a true servant of Andraste. Also Orana can't read because she is an uneducated knife-ear slave, like everyone in Tevinter.

I was gonna ignore the letter and go to sleep, but then I remembered how momish Anders would get if I didn't read my letters immediately because as he says "sometimes they contain important information" and I'm all like "if it's really important they would have just used a phone". But phones don't exist in this universe, so I needed Anders to read me the letter.

I stomped into Darktown, killing bandits around in a flurry of holy light because I was so frustrated and I didn't have any friends to watch me and compliment me on my killing skills and excellent hair style. At that moment it hit me - I really only had Aveline and Anders left, and Aveline didn't even count as a friend because she was married and everyone knows married people are boring.

The poop from Darktown got all over my armor boots I recently made Orana shine, which made me even so much more mad I killed a mage child hiding in the sewer. Finally, I reached the door which wasn't even a real door just a vague opening to Anders' clinic. But no one was there and there were no lights on, not even Anders' hot alter ego blue light.

"ANDERS!" I yelled imperatorally, but no one answered, so I broke some stuff louder than I yelled. After breaking like seven vases and two patient's arms, I heard a grumble and what I had previously thought was a pile of garbage on the floor moved. Then I broke another shelf holding dozens of valuable health potions, and Anders rose up from his pile of blankets like a seductress snake.

"What do you want, Mercie?" he asked bitchily, yawning and running a hand through his loose, unkempt, wild golden hair. He was rudely not wearing a shirt, so I could see all of his hot abs that he used to seduce old ladies like my mom, who Fenris, my worst ever enemy, killed cruelly and unnecessarily.

I didn't even say anything, I just shoved my letter in his face, because he should know his place by now. He ducked so I could not punch him, and then glared at me and grabbed the letter.

"Yo bitch," he began and I was going to punch him before I remembered that he was reading the letter, "meet me at the gallows at tomorrow. There's some shit goin down with the O man. Hearts. Your numba one gal pal, Meri- Dee - Dizzle. P.S. If you need me to recommend any more young, hot templars-"

I grabbed the letter away from Anders. "Wait I was reading that," he said.

"No, you weren't. It was over," I explained, putting it between my cleavages.

"So…" Anders said awkwardly, "I guess you need someone to come with you to the Gallows, tomorrow, since you killed all of your friends."

"Umm excuse me Fenris killed them all, I think you mean," I corrected him because he was clearly confused. "And thank goodness I have that whore out of my life. He was clearly a slaver and Lyrim-pusher."

"Amen to that, sister," Anders said. "I never liked that mage-hating son of a bitch."

"Well, at least he wasn't a mage, like you, the worst-worst."

"What is your damage?" Anders demanded heatedly. "Did a mage kill your dad or something?"

I turned to the seductress with the melting hot flames of hades in my eyes. What did he know about my family!? He had tentatively killed my sister, Bethany Hawke, and he DAREDDD to besmirch the name of my most holy father, Malcolm Hawke? HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT FAMILY WAS. I BET ANDERS NEVER EVEN HAD A FAMILY! He probably was just created by some creepy demon for the express purpose of annoying me for my entire life! That's what mages are - gross demon spawn babies who live in poopy baby towers and whine about how hard life is for them! But they don't even know - they've never felt the pain of loss! The horror of a murdered sister! And a murdered brother! And a murdered father! And a murdered mother! And an unmurdered uncle because no one would take care of that ingrate for me, even if I hired them to and paid a great wage because I was their king.

"My dad WAS a mage!" I yelled. "AND HE WAS A GOOD AND HONORABLE MAN. DIFFERENT THAN ALL OF THE SLIMEY VAMPIRES THAT ARE THE OTHER MAGES LIKE YOU. You would know about this if you ever took time to LISTEN to me when I talked to you about my close personal life and family, which I have done many times because I thought you were my friend."

Anders took a moment to process what I had just laid down on him. "And what made your father any better than the rest of us? He was an apostate, too! He ran away from the templars, just like all of your VICTIMS. How was he honorable, compared to the rest of us?"

"HOW DARE YOU COMPARE YOURSELF TO HIM!?" I yelled, pushing him lightly into the wall, so that he wouldn't actually fall through it. Some of his patients started to leave the clinic in fear and awkwardness and pain at their broken limbs. "You are nothing but a poser, a criminal, a slut and actual whore!"

"HA! So you admit that I actually was a whore!" He laughed. "You said no one would pay to sleep with me because I am a mage and therefore gross! Back when you were with that snivelling mutt, Fenris!"

"That is not true! Of course you were a whore!" I replied. "You are a hot seductress with perfect hair and abs and a beautiful bod, and eyes that sparkle like the most crystaline pools of a -long-forgotten waterfall in the deepest, most enchanted pits of the fade."

"Wait hold on…" Said Anders.

"BUT THAT MAKES YOU EVEN WORST!" I exclaimed. "You seduce good people, like even templars, into your wily mage ways! With your charming demeanor, your radiant smile, your soft like butterflies skin, your plump, alluring lips…"

We stared into each other's eyes for a moment. I hadn't realized, but in the past few sentences, I had moved forward, pinning him HOTLY against the back wall. My face was inches away from his, and, in a flash, we were kissed!

This kiss was unlike any that I had ever experienced before! It was not the gentle smooch of an elven virgin, nor the experienced lip-lock of a wily pirate whore queen, nor the ruthless makeouts of a bdsm demon. It was wrong, but so so right. He was so weak, but I felt the magic pulsing through his face, and that made it hot.

I pushed him up the wall with my strong yet lithe warrior arms, pulling off his feather pauldrons like I was plucking a sexy chicken. Then I ripped the rest of his clothes off because he was wearing next to nothing! It was weird because I am used to having to take off a lot of armor, but also ok because it was less work.

So then I took off everything, too, which took a good few minutes, and Anders was no help because he didn't understand how armor worked but I don't really care. We kissed again nakedly and angrily, because we really wanted to punch each other but the urge for kissing was winning out (but if we did, I would totally win). A few of his patients were still in, so I picked him up and took us somewhere where we wouldn't be watched and it didn't smell like poop - Fenris' old house, because he suggested it.

We "took" each other in the wine cellar and on the bed and even on his drinking table where he probably did it with his dwarf whore. Then we did it some more on the roofs, and the people of hightown clapped for me because I was bringing it home.

We both finished at the same time in anger and passion, then passed out next to one of the unmoved corpses that had been there for six years.