A.N. With apologies to the guest reviewer who doesn't enjoy it when the characters think too much.

And When I Wake

Chapter 26

It had been a long, eventful day, and Spencer Reid had a lot to think about. And, for a change, he had time to think about it.

It had turned out to be one of those evenings he would have always treasured, if he'd known. But he'd taken them for granted, before. A night without commitment. No hotel room in the middle of nowhere, no late night writing of reports, not even any coursework to do this late into the spring. No mentoring, either chess or FBI, no girlfriend in town.

The last thought brought him up short. No girlfriend in town. He still wasn't used to it. Until about six months ago, that particular thought had always ended after the words 'no girlfriend'. But he had a girlfriend now. And, heaven help him, he was relieved that she was away. Relieved.

He had no idea if this was a normal phase in a relationship. He didn't have a huge basis for comparison. All through high school and college, he'd been so much younger than his classmates that dating hadn't been much of an option. And his male classmates weren't exactly interested in discussing their romantic adventures with a thirteen year old. There had been a little talk the last year he'd served at a teaching assistant. By then, he'd only been two years younger than some of his students. They didn't mind talking in front of him. But all they really talked about were their conquests. And none of that jived with what he'd expected. He'd grown up on the kind of romantic love he'd heard about from his mother, and read about in the literature of a few centuries ago.

Maybe that's my problem. I'm fantasizing about an eighteenth century lifestyle, but living in the twenty-first.

Almost without warning, he'd been thrust into his adulthood, in the form of the FBI. Since he'd been with the agency, he'd barely had time for anything outside of work. So his romantic mentoring had all been vicarious, as he observed the relationships of the members of his team. First, Gideon, already divorced before Reid had even met him. Then Hotch, whose marriage deteriorated virtually right in front of their eyes. And whose subsequent relationship, with Beth, had been eroded through distance. Rossi had arrived with three ex-wives in his wake. Three. And then there was Morgan, who cultivated his role and reputation as a 'playa' for reasons Reid could never quite understand.

At least he's got someone now. It seems real enough. I can tell, because he doesn't really talk about her. He keeps her to himself.

Either way, he wasn't exactly going to learn about romance from the example of the male members of his team. So his thoughts turned to the female members, and landed where they always landed first.

JJ. He could never quite reflect on JJ, and his relationship with her, and her relationship with Will, without a sense of turmoil. Way back when, it had almost seemed like Gideon was pushing him toward her. Looking back on it, Reid thought it was more like a parent sending two children out to play together. As much as he'd enjoyed her beauty, and been intrigued to know what lay behind that guarded exterior, Reid had never actually entertained any idea of a romance between them. He hadn't known how. And he'd been guarding his own exterior at the time.

But, with time, experiences were shared, and guards let down, and, very gradually, he'd come to know a true, deep friendship for the first time in his life. It had been difficult for him to stand by….stand aside…and watch as she moved away from him and toward Will LaMontagne, no matter how different the natures of the two relationships. But he loved her, and wanted only for her to be happy. For a time, for a very brief time, it seemed that he would get his wish. But that time had come, and gone. And, although he knew she would never say it aloud to him, he also knew that JJ wasn't happy. It may not have been evident to the others, but he saw it each time they were together, in the smile that didn't quite reach her eyes, or the untaken opportunity to hurry home to her husband. No, it seemed, Reid wouldn't learn about the true nature of a romantic relationship by studying his best friend's marriage.

And Emily…..ah, Emily. There was always that little 'pang' associated with thoughts of Emily. In some ways, they couldn't have been more different. But, he'd often thought, in this one way, they were so very much alike. They were both solitary creatures, traveling through life in the service of a mission, even while not quite understanding what that mission might be. Neither had ever really had a functional family. Neither had ever really thought to engage in the search for a life partner. But partnership had found them. For Emily, it had been the tragic and doomed relationship with a man she'd been sent undercover to bring down. For Reid…..

That was one thing he did have in common with most of the others in the BAU. He'd lost someone he loved to a violent death, just like Gideon, Hotch, Rossi, even Emily.

That he'd had someone to love, and lose, had caught him completely off guard. He'd been taken by surprise with Maeve, seeking one thing…..relief from the unrelenting pain in his head….and finding another….a sweetness of spirit that gradually awakened a true sense of longing. Before Maeve, he'd wondered at what really went on in a relationship, but there had been something almost academic in his curiosity, something removed. He'd studied his friends, and their relationships, so he could understand more about them, and not about himself.

But, suddenly, everything changed. Improbably, unexpectedly, his life had been graced with Maeve Donovan, and he'd experienced that deep, validating connection that formed between one core and another. That 'something' that told him he was more than he'd ever even realized, that he was more than the sum total of his IQ points, and his collection of PhDs. She'd inspired in him a desire to be the man she thought him to be. His better self, a worthy companion to the woman he loved.

He'd begun to experience a richness to his life, one that he'd not even known existed. He'd never quite seen it in any of the others, and he couldn't help but wonder if it was just invisible on the outside. But it didn't feel invisible. He felt different, and the world looked different, all because her love was changing him. He couldn't help but wonder if he was the only one among them with a true experience of love.

The wondering had ended abruptly, as had all of the rest. The fullness had given way to an aching emptiness, the richness spent into a mocking poverty of love in his life. For a long time, he'd felt only that, and he'd nearly succumbed to it. He'd been grateful when the pain had faded into a tolerable numbness.

But the numbness had given way to anguish once again when he'd almost lost the most sustained and sustaining relationship in his life. After Will, and after a painful secret kept from Reid had nearly destroyed what they had between them, JJ had made her way back into his heart...and then nearly broken it in two once again when she'd almost died. It had been enough for him to remember what caring felt like, and how much like death it had felt not to care. He'd been able to save her, and saved himself in the process. But it had cost him.

Once awakened, his heart remembered. It remembered the pain, but it also remembered the sweetness. The craving for more. And, then, so recently acquainted with a loving relationship, Reid had begun to long for it, in earnest.

If not for that longing, he might have shied away from taking a chance on Stephanie. He might have tried to be content with his friendships, and his career. But the longing wouldn't be ignored, nor dispensed with. Not then, and not now.

It wasn't as though things were coming to a head. It didn't feel as dramatic as that. There wasn't enough emotional energy behind it. But he knew he could no longer lie to himself. He'd tried to believe all relationships were like theirs. Comfortable. Friendly. Vaguely supportive. That's certainly what it had looked like with JJ and Will for a long time. He'd tried to tell himself that what he'd had with Maeve was the atypical love, the one that eluded most people. The kind of love that he couldn't expect to have for a second time in his life.

But it was becoming increasingly clear that he and Stephanie had to make a decision. If he stepped back and studied his own behavior, he had to admit that he'd been miserly in granting her access to some parts of his life. He'd shared his feelings about Maeve, and been grateful to do so with someone who'd carried a similar sorrow. He thought she understood that one thing about him better even than JJ. But he'd not shared anything about his early life, save that he'd been a child prodigy of divorced parents. His mother's illness, his father's abandonment, the victimhood of his youth….all of these, he'd kept from her.

Do I not feel safe with her? She's never done anything to make me think I couldn't be. I don't think she would ever purposely hurt me. No, that's not it. So, what? Did I hold back because I knew it wasn't right between us? Because I'm still looking for that connection that I had with Maeve? The one that may never come again?

In truth, he did have that connection in his life. But it was with his best friend, who was committed to another man. It was different with JJ, from what it had been with Maeve. With Maeve, it had been exciting, and new, and energizing. With JJ it was just warm, and comforting, and deep. So very, very, deep.

Maybe that's why I didn't let Stephanie in all the way. Because I didn't have to.

From time to time, he'd wondered if things might have gone differently between himself and his best friend, if either of them had been in a different emotional place as their friendship formed. But I was lazy. Or scared. Or maybe I just wasn't ready. And then, before I knew it, there was Will.

So he'd let it go, without even giving it a chance. He hadn't really thought about it again until the whole blowup over Emily. And then, it had been to privately gloat over how smart he'd been not to get involved with someone who could hurt him so much.

But the anger had faded, if not the hurt. And the love had surmounted everything, and they'd found their way back to one another.

His thoughts returned to Stephanie. He would see her this weekend, if he wanted to. The last thing he wanted to do was to hurt her. But he sensed that she was very much in the same position as he was. She'd suffered a loss, that had devastated her for years. She'd told him that, while she'd dated a few others, her relationship with him was the first one that had taken root. And yet….

I don't think she loves me. I don't. Not that way. I would feel it. Right?

It felt like a deadline loomed, and yet it was a deadline of his own making. He should talk with her this weekend. But could he? Would he?

Will I be giving up something that's 'as good as it gets'? If I do, does that mean I'm willing to settle for nothing? Or should I not be settling at all?

Reid was still in the midst of his dilemma when his phone sounded. He almost let it go to voicemail, knowing that it wouldn't be Garcia, contacting him about a case. Garcia always texted. But his sense of responsibility won out, and he looked at the display on the screen.

JJ. Oops.

He should have called her. The team's plans to convene late in the day had been derailed, and he hadn't spoken with her since before he'd left for Kimura's office. He knew how anxious she was about his health, and he should have let her know. So he took the call.

"Hey, JJ."

"Hi." Short silence, broken by, "What a mess, huh?"

"I know. Idaho and California. Kimura was beside herself."

JJ misinterpreted. "She's not thinking she's responsible, is she?"

"No, of course not! Well, not directly. But she's convinced it's coming out of the lab, and they all report to her. So…you know."

"So she's bearing the weight of the world on her shoulders right now."

"Kind of. I guess there's somebody higher up who's on her case. Doesn't want NIH or the CDC to look bad, so it sounds like they're looking around for a scapegoat."

"And she's it? Dr. Kimura? Oh, Spence, that's so unfair! It's just another reason we have to get on top of this thing."

"How did you and Rossi make out?"

"Well, it turned out that was what postponed our conference call with them. They'd just gotten the reports on the new cases. They told us they'd just decided to stop all vaccine delivery, but Rossi talked them out of it."

Reid agreed with his senior colleague. "We'll only be able to find the place where the pipeline is compromised if we allow it to continue to operate."

"That's what Rossi said. He laid out a few scenarios for them, and they finally got it."

"Good. But we also have to keep the kids safe. What's the plan on that?"

"Hmph. That's the dilemma. So far, the press only knows there have been cases of meningitis on the west coast, but not that it's been caused by man-made bacteria. And they'd like to keep it that way."

"Yeah, I can just imagine the reaction if the word got out. But there has to be a way to be sure that no more kids will be inoculated with the contents of the contaminated syringes."

"I know. That was mostly what we ended up talking to them about."

"And?"

"And, they're trying to come up with something plausible to put out to the end users. Something that won't sound too alarming, but will postpone the deliveries to the offices."

"Good luck with that."

"Yeah, I know. And that's not even taking into account the actual vaccine manufacturers."

She'd hit on something that excited him. "I know! I was thinking about that. Since we don't know which of the vaccines is contaminated….or even if more than one of them is…..we need to answer that question first."

"Why?"

"Because, if it turns out that multiple vaccines are involved, made by multiple manufacturers, then it's less likely that the contamination is happening in the vaccine labs, and more likely that the contaminated syringes are being added at distribution points."

"More likely. But not absolutely."

"Nothing is absolute. But we have to deal in probabilities here, if we want to get anywhere."

She trusted him. "All right, I'll bite. How do we find out which vaccine it is? Or vaccines?" Emphasizing the plural.

It was exactly the question he'd been waiting for. "We tag it! Linda walked me through the vaccine development process, and then she ran through what was happening in her lab. And, it turns out, she can tag the man-made pneumococcal strain with a radioactive isotope. If they're channeling the bacteria from the lab and into the vaccine supply, it will show up. We just have to scan for it."

He sounded so excited that she didn't want to put a damper on it. But logic begged a question.

"But, what if they already have their supply? What if they just keep using what they already have?"

He was ready for it. "Kimura ran some tests as soon as the first case report came in. The lab bacteria strain doesn't remain viable for too long at the temperatures required for vaccine storage. So she's pretty sure they'll have to keep replenishing the supply."

She thought about for a minute, then acceded. "Sounds like a plan then."

"She'll get on it tomorrow."

"Good. You know, I'm glad we're up to speed on the case, but that's not really why I called. I just wanted to see how you were. And how Kimura said you were."

The words caused him to flash back to his conversation with Kimura this afternoon, and that seemingly year-long ten seconds that it had taken for her to respond to his question. "It's bad news, isn't it?"

"My God, it's terrible," she'd said, not even turning around. And his stomach had plummeted. When she did finally turn, and saw the look on his face, Kimura realized her error.

"Oh, no, Spencer! I wasn't talking about your test results. Oh, I'm so sorry! It's just that I've gotten terrible news from the CDC…" and she'd proceeded to tell him about the new cases of meningitis. They'd both gotten so caught up in the new development, and how to deal with it, that he'd nearly forgotten to ask again, until just before he'd left. And now he told JJ what Kimura had told him.

"She said it was neither good nor bad. I've made a little progress, so that's sort of good. But not as much as she would have expected. Except that she's never dealt with someone who's had both anthrax and hanta before."

Of course not. She couldn't keep the concern out of her voice. "So, what does it mean?"

He tried to assure her, even if he wasn't exactly feeling assured himself.

"She said she wants me to try some pulmonary rehab therapy. I'm supposed to go and meet with someone tomorrow."

"What is it?"

"The therapy? Don't know for sure, but she said they'll help me gradually get back my lung volumes. As long as it doesn't involve running, I'm game."

She laughed. It was a long-standing thing between them, that she was the runner, and he the walker.

"Well, I'm going to pray really hard that it works. And here's fair warning. I'm going to harass you to make sure you go, and that you do whatever they tell you to. And when I'm away, I'm appointing Garcia to sub for me."

"Oh, man."

"No, oh wo-man. Do not try to fight us, Spencer Reid."

He laughed. "Heaven forbid."

"So, the other thing I was calling about was to tell you that I won't see you until next week."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. It seems that my 'husband' didn't want us to waste almost a full day traveling, so he decided we'd go down to New Orleans a day earlier. So we can have more time with the cousins." Sounding like she was looking forward to anything but.

It was one of the things that had been bothering Reid of late. He and JJ had managed to not talk about the quality of her relationship with Will, or even to reference it, until a few months ago. It had been an unspoken agreement between them, a rule of sorts, that her marital status would remain outside the bounds of their friendship. But, more and more often, she'd made allusions to discord, or her own upset with something Will had done. Reid took it as a measure of how much emotional turmoil she was in. What he had trouble sorting out was whether the turmoil was primarily because of Will, or if it stemmed from the traumas she'd been subjected to over the past few years. And he simply didn't know if he should break their unwritten rule, by asking.

Instead, he tried to be encouraging. It sounded like something that was already done, so there was no point in poking the wound.

"Look at it this way. You get an extra day off, and I know you can use it."

"Hmph. An extra day of making nice with a houseful of Will's cousins isn't exactly my idea of rest and relaxation."

He didn't really have a comeback for that. "Well, Henry will have fun, anyway. Won't he?"

He heard her sigh. "We'll find out. I think he might like the idea of cousins more than the real thing, but who knows?"

"Well, I hope you both have fun, anyway. When are you back?"

"Tuesday. Will also managed to 'mistakenly' prolong the trip on the other end, but I made him change the ticket dates."

"Ouch, doesn't that cost money?"

"Too bad. I told him I didn't want Henry missing so much school. I guess he didn't take me seriously. Now he can pick up an extra moonlighting shift to pay for it."

Reid held his tongue. This really wasn't like JJ. The fact that she wasn't filtering information at all concerned him. But he waited her out, just long enough for her to fill the silence.

"Did you decide if you're going to the concert?"

"Yeah, I think so. I've actually never been before, believe it or not. The orchestra will be playing behind the fireworks, so Steph won't be free until it's all over. But she doesn't have much time in town before she leaves for China, so I thought we'd meet up for a little bit."

And maybe for the last time, if I'm brave enough. Who knows?

He heard another sigh come through the phone. "You guys are good at managing a long distance relationship. That was something I never mastered."

"I don't know…." I don't know that we have a relationship. Not the kind you mean.

"No, really. You act like adults about it. You each have a job to do, and sometimes it takes you away from one another. But you just deal with it."

Dr. Logic replied. "Is there any other way to do it?"

She chuckled, more to herself than to him. A bitter chuckle. Apparently not.

"No, I guess there isn't. Okay, I'll leave you to whatever you were doing. I just wanted to let you know I was leaving tomorrow. And mostly I just wanted to hear that you were okay." Not having actually heard it.

He knew she bore that particular burden, even when it wasn't really hers to bear. She still blamed herself for his having contracted the hantavirus.

"I will be okay. I've got a great doctor looking after me, and a world class harasser who's just promised to make me do whatever my doctor says."

She laughed, as he'd intended. "Yes, you do. And I will. Good night, Spence. Have a great time with Stephanie, and I'll see you next week."

"I will. Give Henry a hug for me, will you? And tell him I'm looking forward to going to the museum with him."

"Actually, he must have known I was going to call you, because he sends his regards. And a reminder that you promised him popcorn during the movie. And candy."

Pause. "Um..."

"You are so busted, mister."

"Good night, JJ."