There's no sign of the morning coming
You've been left on your own
Like a Rainbow in the Dark
Rainbow in the Dark ~ Dio

Rainbow in the Dark part I

Sean's pov….

We just kept driving, I would wake up and see Dad and later I would open my eyes to Dean driving. I was always in the truck; I guess there was no place for me to hide in the cab. Hunger finally woke me up as the sun rose. We had just pulled over and dad handed me some kind of breakfast sandwich and some chocolate milk. We gassed up and got back on the road. Dean continued to be my chaperone.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"I'm just following Dad," Dean answered.

"Whatever," I shot back and finished my breakfast.

I had no idea what state we were in and there was no point in asking Dean. I tried to see if anything looked familiar, but I ended up dozing back off. I finally felt the truck slow down and I looked out the windshield and instantly recognized the rectory and Pastor Jim coming out the front door. I should have expected this. Dad will have Jim try and fix me, make me all better so I can get back to hunting.

We had barely stopped when my door opened and Dad slid me out into his arms. It was like he was afraid if I touched the ground I would run away. He carried me into the house and sat down next to me on the couch. He looked exhausted and I began to feel bad about what I just put him through.

Jim waved Dad into the kitchen as Dean replaced him on the couch. He flipped on the TV and we began watching some 24 hour news channel.

I got up and headed to the bathroom. I had just finished when a loud pounding sounded from the door. My dad was yelling my name and shaking the knob.

"I'm fine, I just needed to pee. You need to relax," I stated as I came through the door.

"You are not fine. I don't know how you got to the place where you were last night, but we need to find out why and get it fixed."

"Get it fixed? I'm not a broken down car, Dad. I got there because my life is one screwed up mess. When you can tell me how I ended up in this hell, then we may find some answers. All I know is death and disaster, how do you expect me to put a smile on my face and greet life with happiness? Have you even paid any attention to my world?" I yelled.

Jim put his arm around me and told Dad and Dean to go up and get some sleep that he would stay with me.

We decided to go for a walk and enjoy the brisk fresh air.

"You scared the hell out of John last night. What brought this on? Was it one thing in particular or just the last straw? It certainly seemed like you had it all planned out in advance," Jim queried.

"It was like trying to stay awake when your eyes just keep closing. You finally give up and sleep. I just wanted to sleep, even if it was forever. I know Dad is really pissed at me, but I just wanted it to be over. I wanted my hell to be over, I didn't want him to be disappointed or angry with me anymore," I explained.

"Oh, Sean, he isn't angry or disappointed with you. He loves you and your brothers more than you can know. Your lifestyle demands so much that the emotions run very high. His reactions are very normal. Imagine yourself at age four, you run across the street without looking forcing the driver of a car to slam on their brakes to avoid hitting you. Your dad watches the whole thing what do you think the reaction will be?"

"Actually, I lived that scenario. He grabbed me and hugged me and then he spanked me. He was pretty scared."

"I'm sure he was. In parenting as well as in other areas, fear brings out anger. You guys live with a lot of fear and John is just reacting as a typical parent in an atypical situation. Things in life may change you, but you like everybody start and end with your family, the family that maybe you didn't choose, but they are a gift to you as you are a gift to them."

"I don't feel like a gift. The people that know of my so called gifts think they are wonderful, but there is such a thing as perceiving too much. There's more that goes on than your senses perceive, but I perceive it all and it's killing me. I feel like information is being force fed to me constantly and nobody knows how to help me."

"You're right; nobody knows the weight of your burden. Whether you like it or not, you have to accept the role you have. Acceptance is not approval or permission, but you must come to understand that your ability is what it is and that you are possession of it. You have a great responsibility and it is yours alone," he explained.

We continued to walk and tears started slipping down my face. I was beginning to understand that I had no choice but to embrace the gifts that had been given to me and help the world and it didn't matter whether I agreed or not. We had circled back to the house and we sat down at the kitchen table. Jim was making me a cup of hot cocoa and I was trying to regain my composure.

"Sean, it's okay to cry, to mourn what will never be, nobody will fault you for that. It takes great strength to be happy. It takes much more courage to live life, face fears and deal with the unknown than deciding to leave life. Suicide is always an option, and having that option may possibly make life bearable. But I can't really recommend it. Suicide is very final and difficult for so many left behind. Sometimes it's only after a painful process that we can look back and see how much we gained from surviving the situation."

"But death can be a friend, a freeing process; it releases us of our responsibility and heartache," I countered.

"True, but now you've added those things to persons that will not be prepared for them. They are in deep distress and now they are forced to take on so much more. How is that loving gesture, how is that brave or well thought out? When it is the right time, death is a friend, but not until then."

John's pov….

I dozed off but I knew it would be a long time before I would have any restful sleep. I got up and headed downstairs to find out what was going on. Jim was in his study moving piles of papers around. As I looked at him with concern, he pointed to the window and told me Sean was out with Dean.

"They are playing dodge ball against the back of the church; Dean couldn't sleep either. I figured the fresh air and activity would do them both good."

I opened the window in time to hear Sean admonish his brother for throwing the ball at his head. The comment managed to bring a smile to my face. I followed Jim into the kitchen where he served me a nice hot cup of coffee.

"He has a lot of healing to go through, but I truly believe he will be just fine. He is a very strong boy who had a moment of weakness. You need to reassure him, give him some time to understand what his life is and then he'll be ready to resume the hunt."

"How could I let this happen? How could I be so blind to his needs? What kind of father am I? What if he had been successful?"

"You have a great many distractions around you, John. The fact that he was protected shows that somewhere someone knows that it is impossible for you to handle everything."

"But he is my child, he should be the priority. How did I allow him to slide right out of my vision?"

"You've always been attentive, John. You've tried to guide and teach your boys every lesson in the book. I even thought you went too far on occasion, were too hard on them, but…"

"Now you know why Jim, if another parent slips up and their kid makes a mistake, they may miss the bus, fail a test or something minor. If my kid screws up they may very likely die. How do I live with that? Both Sam and Dean had close calls, but I have never felt as vulnerable as I do with Sean. It often seems as if he is calling the shots not me. Sometimes I feel like I'm too hard on him and other times I feel like I'm not hard enough. I don't know what the answers are for him. I just know that most of the time he hates me," I interrupted.

"John, if you've never been hated by your child, you've never been a parent. You need to treasure him for what he is, make sure he knows how much you love him."

"That's where I made my mistake with Sam. I didn't treasure him for what he was only for what I wanted him to be. It didn't work and he took his own path…right out of our lives."

"You need to pick your battles with Sean, big enough to matter, but small enough to win. I know you will never give up on him, but his load is so large he will need extra help getting through life. I think Dean's worn out already, here they come," Jim said as his gaze was trained on the window.

The boys tumbled into the kitchen with rosy cheeks and something resembling a smile on Sean's face.

"I think I won," Dean announced.

"No, you would be wrong; you can't count the headshot, so that would mean I'm the winner," Sean argued, speaking of their dodge ball game.

"Why don't you have a seat, Dean, and drink some of this wonderful coffee while I try my hand with your brother," I said.

Sean's face grew concerned, but he readily followed me out the door. We walked to the back of the church where there was bench which sat by an empty space that was filled with flowers in the summer.

The first thing I did was pull him into my lap and hug him as tightly as I ever had. I needed to feel his breathing, his heart beating, his warmth.

"Dad you're squeezing me to death," he squeaked.

"I'm sorry; I just want to hold you." I let him slide over to sit next to me.

"Dad, I want you to know that I didn't really want to die, I just needed to get away from the horror and I didn't know how else to do it. It was like I needed to get away from me, how do I do that? I just wanted it all to stop. I didn't think about it being forever. Please forgive me, Dad."

"Sean you don't need my forgiveness, I just want you to know that you can come to me no matter what. I know I am hard on you, but you are such a tough customer that I don't know how else to parent you."

"You do fine, I push your buttons. I get what I deserve most of the time; I guess I know you love me if you are using your energy to discipline me."

"Well, I guess I need to use some of that energy to do other things with you, too."

"I know I'm not an easy child, and my life is not an easy one, but please don't ever give up on me," he said as his eyes began to tear up.

"Never, will I give up on you son, never. What you did was reckless and selfish and should have never even occurred to your ten-year-old brain. I need to understand that you are far from typical and adjust. But you need to remember how we all felt when Sam left. Now imagine if he had taken his life."

"You're right, it was selfish and you have every right to be mad and not trust me ever again."

"I don't have that luxury, Sean. I have to be able to trust you and Dean in all situations. I'm sure if you gave me your assurances that this will never happen again, we could leave this in the past. Just promise me that you will never let anything get this bad before you bring it to my attention, no matter what."

"Yes sir! No matter what, you have my word."

"I know I can count on your word. You are important to a lot of people; live from your heart, many are counting on it."

Sean's pov…

We spent the week helping me get back to mental health. We all rested up and I was feeling much better about life. I think if I just get some time in between the tragedies, I could handle things much better. I shuddered as I thought about what I nearly did. Then I shuddered about how I was saved. How did it all come to be, how did the intervention happen? I really must have guardians out there somewhere. I would think about Mr. St. James and how he must have been the James that had been woven into my dreams; the James that I had asked my Salem guide, William, about. Somewhere in my brain I must have seen this scenario. I wish my brain came with instructions. I told Pastor Jim that at one time, I thought the James might be him, but it just didn't seem to fit.

My dad was great; he stayed away from all things supernatural for 5 days. I was his priority; both Dean and I were first and foremost in his mind. But of course the world does not stop turning and we were forced to give up our vacation.

There had been a rash of men disappearing in the area. It is highly unusual for men to vanish, but that was the emerging pattern. The good news was that it was taking place nearby and the rectory could be used as home base. Dad was keeping me out of this one, at least for now.

Jim was next door at the church and Dean was trying to figure out patterns while Dad pulled out of the driveway to head to the store.

I went upstairs to collapse on my bed, but as I passed Dad's room, I spied his duffel bag. I have always been forbidden to go into his private area and most especially his bags. Even Dean and Sam still aren't allowed into this most private part of his life. Once a few years ago after we had arrived at a motel in the wee hours of the night I got up for a drink and saw the bag on the table. I stuck my hand in the bag and came out with my mother's journal. I opened it and read about how she was trying to decide what to name me. I only read a paragraph when fear made me put the book back in the bag. It was only seconds later when the light came on and Dad was asking why I was out of bed. But here I knew I had at least 20 minutes before he would be back. I would be able to hear either Dean or Jim on the stairs, so began the biggest reconnaissance mission of my life.

I approached the bag as though it might bite me. I unzipped it and saw Dad's journal on top. I opened it and skimmed, amazed at all the information he had collected so far. My heart was pounding wildly and my breathing sounded labored. My hand was shaking as I pulled out a feminine-looking book that I know my mother held close to her for several months. I opened it and saw a picture of her sitting in a rocking chair, her hand over her expanding belly. She had a genuine smile on her face. She was glowing, just like every pregnant woman is supposed to. I allowed the book to open to where it chose and began to read.

I am so sorry Sean that you will do this alone. John will always be with you, but as hard as he tries he will never be able to understand the horrors that you will face. You have to understand that he will be forever limited, but his love will never be. Please trust in him always.

Okay that seemed like timely advice, weird. I again allowed the book to choose a place.

I feel you inside kicking and moving. You are an active little guy and I feel your energy growing. You will be something to reckon with. I have already begun my protection ceremonies and you will have so many on your side. The dark hides many secrets, but remember not all of them are harmful. Embrace the help that is offered, lead with your heart. You will make life better for so many.

Alright, this would have been good to know last week. Why did Dad continue to hide this from me?

Listen to those with more experience, whether it is your father, Dean, Sam or any trusted adult, they hold wisdom that you will need. Don't try and find all the answers yourself, you will only come to a dead end.

Okay this was getting creepy.

The real teacher of your life is you. You have to decide of all that comes your way, what is true and important and what is not; what applies to you and what does not. If it works for you, fine – use it; it's yours. But if it doesn't don't hesitate to go find what does. Remember, what we think about, we become.

Wow, she was quite a thinker. I had no idea how long I had been in Dad's room, it felt like only seconds but I knew it had been much longer. To be honest, a plane could have crashed in the room and I never would have heard it. One more look and I better move along.

Please my baby boy, understand that you can have anything you want but you cannot have everything you want so choose wisely. Don't hurt yourself and don't hurt others. And if nothing else, please take care of yourself so you can help take care of those around you. This is what I hope for you and your future. Please be strong and know how very sorry I am that I am not on this journey with you. I have every faith that you are strong enough to endure on your own.

I closed the book, but something was sticking out the bottom. I opened it to that page and saw a picture of my dad holding very tiny me in his lap with Sam kneeling on his left and Dean kneeling on his right. I was the one that looked like he was glowing. There was another picture of me the day I joined the hunt and made it the Winchester four.

I was snapped out of my reverie by Dad clearing his throat. I couldn't even try to get out of this one so I sat down and immediately apologized.

"Why haven't you given the book to me? I'm ready, I know I am," I told him.

"Because you're not ready andIknow that. There is more in there than what you read. And in case you have forgotten I'm the dad, the one in charge, and it is my decision, whether you like it or not."

I swallowed hard and hung my head. "I guess I'm ready," I said meekly.

"For what?" Dad asked.

"My punishment, I just broke cardinal rule number one, stay out of your stuff."

"When I was you age, I got into a fair amount of trouble myself. Once a year my dad would take me aside and say that everyone deserves a break once in a while and he would give me one free pass. So consider this your freebie."

"Dad you've never even told that story or ever given me a free pass on anything. Don't start now. I want things to be the way they were, I want my normalcy back. I want my dad back, the dad that gives no free passes for the mistakes I make."

And that was the dad I got back. I went to the room Dean and I were sharing with a sore butt, but a smile on my face. Things were finally getting back to normal.

Dad and Dean left in the early evening to go and scout out the area, they promised to be back before morning. I felt safe with Pastor Jim, but I really missed my father and brother. Jim tried to cheer me up with some board games and cartoons on television. I was never much into cartoons, but I tried to relax to appease my babysitter until I finally went up to bed.

Later that night my eyes snapped open. It was still dark outside, but I could hear Dean's steady breathing in the bed next to me. I climbed out of bed and pulled the covers up little higher over my brother. I then shuffled down the hall to the room my dad was in. I opened the door and peeked in, Dad was sleeping soundly. I tiptoed in and his duffle bag caught my eye. I was still very curious about the journal but had decided to obey my father, at least for now. I climbed into bed and slid over next to my dad. Almost instantly he wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close. I fell back into a peaceful sleep.

The next morning I joined the conversation at the breakfast table.

Dean began the discussion. "Well there are definitely Banshees out there, but what is causing the disappearances is a mystery," he said with his mouth full of pancake.

"I think we are probably looking at a Leanhan Sidhe; she seeks the love of mortal men, but her love destroys them. Hence all the missing men," Dad explained as he reached for the syrup.

"Banshees just announce a death right?" I asked.

"For the most part they do, but it can get complicated. In fact why don't you spend your day learning about these creatures and report back to me later this afternoon. It will be a day better spent than snooping around my personal belongings," Dad told me.

"If I do the research, can I come with you tonight?" I begged with a slight whine to my voice.

"No, just do what I asked." He said as he shot me a do not argue look.

"Yes sir," I said as I looked into my cereal bowl with disappointment.

Dean put his hand on my shoulder and said he would help get me started on my research.

We hit the computers at the library and I found out quite a bit about these ancient beings.

"So what did you find out, little brother?" Dean asked.

"Banshees wail and cry when certain people are about to die, but this one seems to be warning for everybody. Often it is the spirit of a woman who died in childbirth. There is also a fatal kinship with duine shee or people of the spirit race. Dean, is that what my mom is; someone who died in childbirth and has a relationship with the spirit race?"

"I don't really have that answer. I don't think your mom is out in the woods warning of impending deaths though."

"They are unearthly attendants to ancient families of Ireland, true descendants of a noble Gaelic race, generally with names beginning with Mac or O," I said with my voice full of heartache.

"What are your grandparent's last names?"

"My mom's last name was MacGregor, but that side is from Scotland, my grandmother's maiden name was O'Conner and I would guess that would be the connection."

"Interesting, maybe they are trying to reach out to you. Maybe we should petition Dad again to let you come."

"Sounds good to me. It says that in Irish lore, it is bean si or woman of the fairy mounds and in Scotland it is bean nighe or washer woman. I don't know if the means much. But there is something about a silver comb. Please try and convince Dad to take me tonight, pleassssse!" I begged.

TBC