Chapter 26

It wasn't until forty minutes later that Santana texted me back.

I'm at Gabe's. I need some time to think. I promise I will be home later- Santana

Relief washed over me. She was okay and she was coming back. I would grovel at her feet then to fix this.

Okay. I love you- Brittany

I love you too- Santana

I promised myself that I would do whatever it took to make things right. I got my laptop and started doing some research. I looked up a lot more information about rheumatoid arthritis to get a better grasp on the things I was going through and what the next step may be. I knew I needed to call Dr. Burke again since my pain was back. Obviously the medication wasn't working, so we needed to move onto a different treatment plan. I researched what would be the next best step.

Then I started looking up some other things. I knew that my temper and my lack of interest in things weren't normal. I needed to do something about that before things continued to get worse and I drove my wife away for good. After some surfing around, I had a pretty good idea what I needed to do.

I decided it was best that I did some things around the house while I waited for Santana to come back. It wasn't good for me to sit and wallow, and she had been doing so much lately that I knew I needed to do more than I was. I put my clothes away like she had asked, and I picked up the clutter around the house that I knew I had been the biggest cause of. I was moving slowly due to my joints, but I was moving and that was the important thing.

I was starting to prepare things for dinner when Santana walked in.

"Hi," I greeted her softly and a little unsurely.

"Hey," she replied, her voice a little guarded.

"I am so sorry," I told her earnestly. "I have absolutely no excuse, and I promise to work on the way I've been behaving."

Santana didn't say anything and stood at the edge of the kitchen with her eyes on the floor.

I took a step toward her, hesitant that she wouldn't want me to get too close. "I've been doing some thinking," I began.

"Me too," Santana said. She looked up at me then, her face set. "I think you should get some help. I've been trying to get you through this, but I'm obviously not enough." She took a breath, letting it out in a sigh. "I think you should see a counselor or something. Someone who is better equipped to get you through the emotional problems that your disease is causing."

I could feel my mouth starting to turn up into a smile at how amazingly smart my beautiful wife was. Santana gave me a strange look, obviously not expecting my reaction to be a positive one, much less a smile.

"I agree," I told her. "I spent the time you were gone looking up counselors in the area who specialize in these things, and even some support groups. I realized that how I was acting was really out of line, and I haven't been able to deal with my diagnosis and my pain the way I hoped I would."

I took another step toward her, noticing that she was softening toward me now that she realized that I wasn't going to snap at her again. "You have been so great, San," I said honestly. "You have actually been amazing. I couldn't have asked for anyone better to be with me, and I've taken you for granted and treated you like shit. And I am so, so incredibly sorry."

My voice broke as my emotions overwhelmed me. Santana closed the distance between us and took me in her arms.

"I know, Britt. I know," she soothed softly in my ear. "I know you didn't mean any of it."

"I didn't," I promised. "But I know it still hurt you, and I hate that I made you feel like that."

Santana was silent for a moment as she held me, her hands stilling on my back where they had been running up and down gently. "It did hurt," she said truthfully. "I never thought I'd hear you say things like that to me."

"I never thought I would say those things," I whispered. "That's when I really realized I needed to get help."

Santana pulled back to look at me. "I'm really proud of you for doing this. And I am so proud of how strong you are. I know how much pain you have to deal with every day. And I promise that I will continue to do whatever I can to make things easier for you."

I nodded gratefully. "I promise to help out more, too. I've been making you do everything, which isn't right."

Santana shook her head at me. "I can handle it, babe. I don't want you to do things when you're hurting."

"No, Tana," I objected. "I need to do more. It isn't good for me to sit around and do nothing. Not only does it make my joints worse, but it makes my attitude worse. I love that you help me, and the only thing I ask is that you will continue to do so if I need you to. But don't take everything on yourself, okay?"

"Okay," she said, nodding.

"I need to call Dr. Burke Monday and let him know that the medication isn't working," I said.

"Yeah," she agreed softly. "What do you think is going to happen?"

I shrugged, stepping back from her to continue prepping the dinner I had been neglecting. "I'm not really sure. I looked up some things that may be what he recommends we try next, but I really don't want to keep trying medication after medication before we get to the big guns."

Santana leaned against the counter next to me while I cut up some chicken. "Okay. So you want to go for the more potent meds then?"

I nodded. "I think that is probably the best thing for me, but I want to see what he says first."

Santana agreed. The rest of the evening we spent talking about what we could expect at the doctor and with me getting counseling. Santana offered to go to the counselor with me, but I told her that I appreciated the thought, but the issues I was having weren't related to her so I didn't need her to go. I needed to talk to someone about what I was feeling about my health problems without Santana worrying about me anymore than she already did.

We slowly eased back into our normal interactions, and I made sure to show Santana however I knew how much I loved her and how sorry I was. Santana took me out to the pool the next day and I was feeling a lot better after the exercise and the hot tub.

Dr. Burke told me to restart my oral steroids and I would just see him at my normal appointment scheduled a month from now. I had done well on a combination of the two medications, so I agreed. I started feeling relief shortly after I started the steroids again, and my mood drastically improved. It didn't mean that I didn't still need to talk to a counselor.

I scheduled an appointment for a highly recommended counselor that dealt with a variety of mood disorders, including anxiety and depression. She was very pleasant. Almost too cheerful for me, actually, but I gave her a shot. And that turned out to be the best thing I could have done.

Diane, as she asked me to call her, was incredibly knowledgeable and it felt like she was reading my mind when I told her about what was going on. We discussed the way I had been feeling after my diagnosis and how the pain and fatigue had been constantly wearing me down. She gave me coping mechanisms to deal with helping myself calm down when I was getting too frustrated with it since I still didn't have a good treatment plan for my arthritis yet.

The best thing she helped me with was understanding that I needed to not let my diagnosis get me down. There was nothing I could do to change it, so I needed to learn to adjust to living with it. I had done it once before after my myasthenia gravis diagnosis, but for some reason this one was hitting me harder. We talked at length about why I felt like it was worse, and I came to the realization that there were many factors making me think that way. From having the feeling like things couldn't go right for me, to having it feel like something bad always had to follow something good, to the biggest pain of feeling like I wasn't ever going to be good enough, especially if my body couldn't do the things I wanted such as have babies.

Diane really helped me work through my issues and I was doing so much better after meeting with her for several sessions. Santana and I both noticed my improvement, and it helped our relationship significantly. Santana was still my rock, and I relied on her more than ever. I confided my fears and my revelations with her after my sessions, and she provided loving advice and support.

Dr. Burke decided to start me on a biologic drug since the pills didn't work on their own. I was relieved that he suggested that since it was the decision I would have wanted him to make. There were additional serious side effects, but the risks were worth it. I couldn't live like that anymore, and my body needed relief. It was an injection that I needed to give myself every two weeks. And I did have to give it to myself, because Santana couldn't stand the thought of poking me with a needle. It was hard enough to do it to myself, so I understood that it would have been harder to do it to Santana if the situation was reversed.

After a couple of months doing well on the new medication, I was weaned off of the steroids once again. I was a little nervous about stopping that extra little bit of help, but I knew I needed to get off of them. Once I finally stopped taking them, I was relieved to find that I was doing really well. I still had good days and bad days, but the good days far outnumbered the bad, and the bad days were honestly not even very bad. I was able to easily continue my normal routine with only minor pain, which got even better over time.

Santana and I continued our trips to the pool. The exercise was good to keep my joints in shape. I also needed to keep up my activity since I had put on more weight due to going back on the steroids. I had gained nearly ten pounds, which stressed me out. Santana reassured me that she found me as beautiful as ever, and she made love to me as often as possible to show me that. I felt it when she looked at me and touched me, but when I looked into the mirror I couldn't help but see the extra weight and frowned when I had to buy bigger pants.

It wasn't easy to try to lose the weight. Santana knew I was self-conscious about it, and she did her best to make me feel good. She automatically started eating healthier with me, knowing that it would help me, and she helped me come up with good exercises to do since I wasn't able to swim for super long periods of time. She would have been perfectly happy with me the way I was, but she knew I was determined to lose the weight I had put on so she was supportive. I was so happy when the roundness in my face disappeared, but it was still taking time to get the weight off of my middle. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I wasn't going to give up.

After awhile, I knew I needed to have a talk with Santana. Diane had been pestering me about sharing my biggest concern with Santana. I had been delaying it because I honestly didn't want to think about it. But I understood that it had to happen.

Fall was upon us and we had been married for six months. We were snuggled up in bed naked after having some spectacular sex.

"You are so good at that," Santana said, still a little breathless as she curled into my side. Her head was resting on my chest as we were bundled under the covers and I was running my fingers through her hair as I loved to do.

"Not as good as you," I replied, referring to the amazing things she could do with her tongue that I hadn't seemed to have mastered quite yet.

She chuckled. "Well, I have been doing it for longer, but I'm sure you will catch up someday," she teased.

"Whatever," I huffed, pushing her shoulder playfully.

Santana giggled and burrowed further into me, wrapping her arms tighter around my waist. She turned her head to press a light kiss just under my collarbone, causing goosebumps to spread over my body. She was so relaxed and I hated to ruin that, but I needed to get it out before I chickened out again.

"Hey, baby," I began.

Santana hummed, letting me know she was listening.

"I need to talk to you about something."

Santana lifted her head to look at me, hearing my serious tone. She bit her lip nervously, and I could see the apprehension in her eyes.

"Okay," she said hesitantly. "What's going on, Britt?"

"You know what we discussed me having a baby first when we decided to have kids and all?" I asked, my heart thudding with nerves.

Santana's brow furrowed a little, clearly not understanding what was going on. "Yeah."

"Well, I don't think it's a good idea for me to have a baby," I said sadly.

Santana frowned. "I know it isn't a good idea right now, babe. With you being on the medications and everything, and just getting in a good place and all, I definitely don't think you should get pregnant yet."

My heart hurt as I realized I was going to have to crush Santana's dream as well as mine. I tucked her hair behind her ear before I cupped her cheek, holding my eyes on hers with an apologetic gaze. "No Santana. I mean I don't think I should have a baby ever."

Santana sat up suddenly, her face an unreadable mask. I could see pain in her eyes, but she was doing her best to hide it. "I don't understand," she said quietly. "I thought you wanted to have a baby with me."

"Oh, baby, I do," I cooed, sitting up myself and taking her hands in mine. "I would love nothing more than to carry our baby, but there are just too many risks."

I let out a frustrated sigh and Santana looked at me as if she was so lost. "There are just too many things that could go wrong. Not only with the medications I am on causing issues and me needing to stop the one before I could even get pregnant, but the fact that I could have serious complications with my myasthenia gravis on top of it. And there is the chance that any child I gave birth to would have health problems like me, and I just don't think I could do that to our baby, San."

I was fighting not to cry. I had thought about this for awhile, and had cried about it at sessions with Diane, but it was still hard. Santana looked as if she was going to start crying too but was biting her cheek to keep it in.

"But you know that there's a chance that things could go wrong even if I carried or even if we adopted," Santana said, her voice trembling.

"I know there are always risks, but there are just so many more if I were to carry. And I can't bear the thought of being the reason of risk to the health of our baby. Plus, the thought of something serious happening to me on top of it is just that much more scary," I said honestly, hating myself a little for being scared for myself.

That seemed to hit Santana like a ton of bricks. She was silent for several long moments and I could practically see the fear of every possible worst case scenario cross her mind. I could see how scared it made her. "I don't think I could handle either of those things," she confessed. "I have to admit that I would love to see you carry our baby, but if it meant any serious danger to our child or you, then I have to agree with your decision."

"I'm so sorry," I apologized shakily, seeing the hurt she was trying to hide.

"Oh, sweetie, don't be sorry," she said as she cupped my cheek. Her voice was thick with emotion. "It isn't your fault. I love you. Even though it does make me sad, I would much rather not have anything happen to you. And the thought of you being sad at having to give up something I knew you wanted so badly makes me even more sad. But I can always carry at some point too like we were planning on."

I nodded, the thought of a pregnant Santana helping to ease my sadness. As hard as it was to let go of my dream of giving birth, I knew it was the best thing to do.

"Have you talked to your doctors about it?" Santana asked.

"Yeah," I replied. "They all told me that pregnancy was possible but it would be high risk. And I would have to consult with so many specialists and they all seemed to think that it would be best not to get pregnant if it was an option not to."

"Okay," Santana said quietly. "And are you sure you're okay with this?"

I let out a breath. "It's hard, San," I confessed. "But I have talked a lot about it with Diane and I think that it is the best decision for me. And hopefully for us."

Santana took in a deep breath before letting it out slowly, puffing her cheeks as she did so. "Okay," she said again.

"Are you sure you're okay with it?" I asked carefully.

"Yeah," she said honestly. "I mean, your doctors all seem to think it is best, and you know what is best for you and your body, so I am 100% behind you."

I gave her a small smile, grateful that she understood. "Thank you. I love you."

"I love you, too," she replied, pulling me into a tight hug.

I buried my face in the crook of her neck, inhaling her scent and letting it calm me. I trailed my fingers lightly over her bare sides making her squirm and pull back a little from me.

"Babe, that tickles," she admonished.

I pouted playfully. "Awww, honey bunches of oats, what's wrong? Can't take a little teasing?"

Her eyes rolled. "You did not just call me that," she laughed. "You're such a dork."

I shrugged my shoulders with a smile. "But you love me anyway," I stated.

"That I do," she answered, leaning in for a kiss.

I smiled into it, bringing my fingers back up to tickle her sides. Santana squealed and squirmed away and I giggled.

"Fuck no, Britt! You are so gonna pay for that!"

I laughed harder as she pushed my hands away from her before poking my ribs, making me buck away from her relentless fingers. I became breathless as my laughs became almost manic while she continued to tickle me. I tried rolling away from her only to have her straddle my hips to hold me in place.

"St- stop!" I gasped out between giggles. "I.. can't breathe."

Santana immediately stopped her assault on my sides, her delighted grin and laughter fading slightly as she became concerned. "You okay?"

I nodded, still laughing a little as I tried to calm down. Thankfully her smile grew a little wider as she saw I was telling the truth, and her eyes softened as she looked down at me.

"You are so amazingly beautiful," she said softly, her eyes searching my face.

My heart skipped a beat, even as I averted my gaze bashfully. "I'm sure I look so beautiful with my face all red and sweaty," I joked.

"You do," Santana said adamantly. "You are beautiful all of the time. But I do have to say that I have a particular fondness when you're underneath me and your face is all red."

A jolt of arousal hit me at the husky tone her voice got when she told me that. "Is that so?" I asked, my voice low with desire as I put my hands on her thighs and used my thumbs to rub light circles on the insides. Santana shivered a little and leaned down, placing her hands on either side of my head to lay over me.

"Oh yeah," she husked. "Especially when you are biting your lip as you moan."

Santana traced her tongue along my lower lip to emphasize her words. I parted my lips to let my tongue meet hers and we kissed so deeply. Santana ground her hips down onto me, letting me feel her wetness. I couldn't take it anymore, so I slid my right hand from its place on her thigh to her folds, finding her clit right away to rub it gently.

"Mmmm, fuck," Santana moaned as she broke our kiss. Her mouth latched onto my neck and began to suck as I played with her clit.

She suddenly sat up and pulled my hand away from her, shaking her head at me.

"What?" I asked, confused.

"No distracting me," she commanded. "I want to see how beautiful you get when you come."

I bit my lip as my wetness grew and I could feel my blush rising. Santana smirked at me, then took both of my hands and put them up by my head, instructing me not to move them. Then she proceeded to make me feel as beautiful as she said I was.

I had expected things to maybe be a little strained between us after the discussion about kids. But Santana was just as loving as ever. She continued to give me loving goodbye kisses in the morning and hugs when she got home from work. She still cuddled with me every night and gave me those special little looks when she thought I wasn't paying attention. My stress of the decision faded away and life was better than it had been in quite awhile.

It was a couple weeks later when Santana surprised me. It was nearing Thanksgiving, and we had made plans to have dinner at our house with my parents and Gabe. Bonnie, Adam, and Chase couldn't make it in this year, which was kind of sad since Bonnie had told everyone last week that she was pregnant again. I would have loved to see my sister to congratulate her in person, but I understood that the timing didn't work out this year.

Santana and I had just finished discussing what we needed to get from the store for the dinner. I got up from the couch to take the list I had made back into the kitchen when she grabbed my wrist and pulled me back down. I landed partly on top of her, and she smiled as she leaned back and pulled me so I was laying with my back on her front. She parted her legs so I slipped down between them and settled into the v of her thighs. I sighed in content as she wrapped her arms around my waist, and I put my hands over hers to hold them in place.

"You're in a cuddling mood tonight," I said playfully.

Santana kissed the top of my head before speaking into my hair. "I always want to cuddle with you," she answered. "But I also want to tell you something."

"Okay," I prompted when she paused.

"I think we should have a baby," she whispered.

I started in surprise, my eyes widening and my heart starting to beat a little faster. "What? Like a real baby?" I choked out.

Santana chuckled behind me. "Yes, Brittany. A real baby."

"Now?" I squeaked.

"Well, yeah," she said timidly.

I moved to sit up and Santana let me. I turned to look at her and she was looking back at my shocked face bashfully. She was biting her lip nervously and she started to play with her fingers in her lap which I knew she did when she was really nervous.

"San," I breathed, astonished. "Why now?"

Santana met my eyes imploringly. "It's just that, I've learned that life is too short to wait on things that you want. Anything can happen at any moment. We've lost loved ones too soon, and our health can change at any moment."

She paused, letting me take her words in. She was right. Santana lost most of her family and I lost Sam unexpectedly so young. Anything could happen with my health if my history was anything to go by.

"I don't want to wait anymore, Britt," Santana continued. "I want to start a family with you before something else goes wrong. I want to raise babies with you and I don't see why it shouldn't be now."

I felt a fluttering in my chest. I wanted to have a family with Santana so badly. I understood why she wanted to do it now, but I was worried that she was jumping into things out of fear.

"I want to have babies with you, too," I said softly, looking at her with love. "But with all of my health issues right now, are you sure that it is the best time?"

Santana sat up on her knees and took my hand in hers. "I get that you're worried, but are we any more sure that you will be healthier in a year? Two years? Five years? Right now you are doing well. Your counseling sessions are going great, and you have minimal weakness and pain. Our relationship is strong, and we both want to have a family together. I don't know of a better time to try than now."

I studied her for a moment, seeing the pleading sincerity in her eyes. She really wanted this. She wanted to have a baby for us so our family could grow as we had both dreamed of. It wasn't necessarily the way we had pictured it to start with, but one thing I had learned over my life was that things don't always go according to plan. And that it sometimes leads to the best things in life. If I had kept my life according to the plan I had laid out, I never would have met Santana, and she was the best thing that ever happened to me.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that Santana was right. There was no particular best time to have a baby, but we most definitely couldn't predict how things would be in the future. Things were going well right now, so why risk something else going wrong before we were able to start our family?

"Okay," I said softly.

Santana's eyes widened a little. The corners of my mouth started to turn up as she looked at me in disbelief. "Really?"

My smile widened, and I gave a happy laugh. "Really, Tana. Let's have a baby. I want to have a baby with you."

"Oh my God!" Santana exclaimed, darting forward to wrap her arms around my neck tightly. I put my arms around her waist and held her back. "I am so happy you said yes. I can't believe you said yes!"

"How could I say no to you?" I asked, only half joking.

I pulled back from the hug to look at her happy face. She smiled at me so lovingly, and I knew that I would never regret this decision.

"We're going to have a baby, Brittany," she said in awe.

"We are," I confirmed. "Now all we need to do is find a donor."

Santana laughed a little. "Oh geez. I never thought I'd be shopping for a good man to get knocked up with his sperm."

I giggled. "Well, you know I would do the honors if I could, but I just don't have the right equipment."

"And I am incredibly grateful that you don't," Santana said, giving me a peck.

I sighed happily as her lips met mine and I leaned back onto the couch, pulling her on top of me. Santana settled onto my body, her head on my chest, and I let my hands caress her back, occasionally twirling the ends of her hair around my fingers because I couldn't resist it. I pictured a little girl with hair like Santana's or a little boy with her dimples and I grinned. I couldn't wait.

A/N: So everything worked out and Brittany realized that she needed treatment for her depression. Even though it took her being an utter bitch and the fear of losing Santana for it to sink in (though Santana was absolutely in no way ever going to leave her). So now she is getting the help she needs physically and emotionally and things are back on track. Santana can continue to be the proper support Brittany needs and Brittany can be what Santana needs.

Even though there wassadness with them deciding that Brittany shouldn't have a baby, they are getting through things stronger than ever. And they are going to plan for Santana to get pregnant now! Yay!

Do you guys think they made the best decision about Brittany not carrying a child? Do you think they are moving too fast in planning for a baby now? Any other thoughts? I appreciate you guys reviewing and favoriting! You're awesome! I truly never thought this story would get the response it has, so it means so much to me. And as we are getting close to the end of it, I just wanted to let you all know again how amazing you are for reading this and liking it!