A personal thought or two?
Virgil waited for his bedroom door to open and stepped in promptly. He looked at the current painting he had been working on; it was a portrait of their family, including his mother. He paused and starred deeply at her, her eyes matched his, his hair colour, mimicking hers. He smiled at the smile his mother was pulling but then frowned, knowing it was the same one he shared. He turned and looked at the real photo he was copying from, and noticed something, something he had never realized before. This small piece of detail sent shock waves through his memory and back to when he saw Alan's break down on TB5. He noticed in the picture, Alan was holding his hand, and what appeared to be with immense strength; it also looked as though Alan had been crying. Virgil thought back to that day, Alan had fallen over and no one was around to help him, apart from his older brother Virgil. Not much happened that day, apart from the photo being taken, and that was all Virgil remembered. He placed the photo back down and looked back at the painting. Virgil hadn't known it, but he stood there for 12 minutes, just starring. He was reliving the night of when he was almost drowned, and how it had ever come to such a matter.
"Oh my god, Alan, I am so dumb, I can't believe you just didn't kill me there and then, I broke you, I saw you broken. You were cracked, you should of just killed me, everything in the world you loved, taken by me, you should of just killed me, why didn't you? I shouldn't be here, I should be dead, and I deserve it, man, I never knew how much in the wrong I am, I let myself belief everything was going to be alright, simply because I stole what was yours. I bet Allie hates me, no matter what happens know, he'll never forget I did that. I can't believe Tin-Tin means that much too him, he should of just killed me, but why didn't I die? Why did Gordon save my pathetic excuse of a life?"
Virgil looked up to the painting and then to the side, he snatched the water pot and threw it at the balcony door, a dull mix of red, splattered the window,
"DAMMIT!"
He ran over and grabbed an old t-shirt and whipped the window, and the red cleared, he saw his youngest brother and Tin-Tin on the beach together. Virgil stopped whipping and dropped the t-shirt and sat crossed legged, watching the two skim stones out to sea. He thought back to when he was down there with her.
"Your one lucky guy Allie, I just hope you make things work. I'm truly sorry for mucking up your life, and somehow I've buggered up my own. Mum? I need you... I need you to tell me everything is going to be alright, I really need you to tell me to grow up, I can't stand this guilt, please, I ca-n-tt..."
Virgil hadn't noticed how dizzy he had made himself; he had started to hyperventilate and had slipped into unconsciousness.
"Virg, honey, hey sweetheart, you ok?"
Virgil stood in whiteness, and looked around cautiously, trying to find someone, anyone.
"Oww, sweetheart what's wrong?"
"Mum? Please tell me that is you?"
As soon as Virgil questioned, a young brunette women stood in front of him, she looked so young, possible his age. She wore a white gown and stood holding her stomach, almost hiding something, evidently it was a bump.
"Mum, it's really you? Please tell me it is?"
Lucille, stood in front of her son, her image growing stronger with colour and vibrancy before she elegantly opened her brown eyes,
"Of course it is darling, mummies here for you"
Virgil jumped at the opportunity to hug her; he held her close and only released when he realized he was squeezing her a little too tight. He looked down and smirked,
"Which one? I'm sure I have a 1 out of 5 chance of guessing right?"
Lucille looked down to her small bump and rubbed it, she looked fantastic, she was glowing with motherly hood and her smile would brighten anyone's mood. She glanced back up at her middle child and noticed a sadness in his eyes,
"You, you were the easiest to carry around. Aww, baby you need to understand whatever happens between you and your brother's, you need to let it go, I've seen what's happened between you and Alan, and I do feel that you are the only one who can make it right sweetie, one day Alan will need you, just like that day when he fell over and only you were around to help..."
All of a sudden, the two were standing in what appeared to be a farm. Virgil instantly recognised it as his Kansas family home, his childhood home, and where he grew up. He saw the farmhouse, giant yet rustic and saw all its features along side. A play ground hid beneath a tall oak tree, in which sat a tree house, and nearby a large fish pond, with a small wooden jetty running into it. Just as he looked away from the pond, a little blonde caught his attention, down in the dirt crying. Virgil felt helpless and watched as he saw another boy, brunette this time rush over and pick him up.
"You were very kind to him that day darling, he would of been in a great deal of pain without your comfort, I am proud of what you have done for your brothers, not just Alan. So why do you let so much guilt reach you?"
"Mother, I've done something terrible, and I can never take it back. I hurt Alan badly, and I'm sure you saw him when he was on the spaceship. He was torn, devastated, and it was my entire fault. Seeing him like that, broke me-
"Honey, I know. I know sweetie, but you need to let it rest, your harming yourself. Alan has almost forgotten, you should do the same"
"But mum, how can I forget something so horrific? I mean..."
"Shhh, darling, please, your winding yourself up, hiding from the world is making it worse, and I will agree what Alan did was out of the question, but he has suffered and he too needed me on that thing your father calls a space station, more like a tin can to me!"
Virgil laughed at her comment, if only John had heard her say that, he would not have been a happy bunny.
"Mother, I just want to forget, I want to let go the harshness I bought upon him, and myself, it's killing me! In fact, not to be rude but why am I here? Am I dead?"
"No sweetie, no. But you will need to wake up, Alan is coming"
"How do you know mum?"
"Sweetheart, I have seen your future, and believe me things are looking up, hmmm, my how you've grown"
Virgil once more chuckled and blushed slightly as Lucille brushed aside some of his thick hair, she held his face in her hands and looked deep in to his dark brown eyes.
"Darling, understand, what's happened between you and Alan is past, please for you sake too, look onward, you never know what is round the next corner, now sweetie I must leave, Alan's trying to bring you round, he never did stay away did he, I don't know, I guess it's in the Tracy blood"
"Yeah, I guess it does run in the family and thank you mum, my mind feels at ease. Oh and just before you leave, one small thing..."
"What is it darling?"
Virgil thought carefully, the next question was vital, and he didn't want to miss out on this chance, whether real or fantasy, he was seeing his mum right in front of him, and couldn't miss this opportunity,
"Please, tell me, did you suffer?"
Lucille knew exactly what he was talking about, she held her small bump once more, and glanced into his eyes again, and shock her head slowly as she started to faded away,
"No darling, I felt nothing..."
"Mum, no please come back!"
-"Virgil, Virgil, VIRGIL!"
Virgil looked around the white empty place, to here a familiar voice piercing his ear, he struggled to see what was happening as everything turned black. His vision turned into blurred colour, and a figure was standing over him.
"Virgie, are you ok? What have you done to yourself?"
Virgil felt himself lift up to a right-angled position. He struggled to breathe but felt his head clear.
"Virg, are you hurt?"
Virgil's vision focused on a very scared looking Alan. He thought to himself mum was right? She must have been there, how else would she have known?"
"Allie, oh my god Allie, I love you please don't go! Please Allie, I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Alan couldn't move, he was practically being suffocated by Virgil's tight gripping hug, and when he noticed Virgil sobbing into his shoulder, he stepped back into reality, realizing there being a lot of red, around Virgil,
"Virg, it's ok! I'm not going anywhere, are you ok?"
Virgil let go and looked around at the spill of the red mixed water that had splattered the floor, he let a tear roll down his face as he made eye contact with Alan,
"Oww, yeah don't worry that's only paint water, I got a little carried away and kinda threw the paint pot, but Allie, oh Allie I saw mum! She said everything would be alright, she thinks could only get better, I'm the only one that can fix everything, Alan, I'm so, so sorry! Please forgive me! It's killing me!"
Alan sat in shock at Virgil, but quickly held him in an embrace, and didn't dare let go,
"It's ok Virg, I'm here now, and yes I do forgive you, just relax ok?"
"Alan, I will never let you go, I will never be so horrible again"
"It's ok Virgil, It's going to be alright, you'll see, mum told us it will be..."