Dance Again
How long can she keep doing this? Being a mediocre bounty hunter. Earning not much more than the basic wage sometimes. Living alone by herself. Trying to survive and live through just another month. Trying her best to make everyone happy. Trying to be something. Trying to make fewer mistakes. Trying to learn from her mistakes. Trying not to hurt anyone. Trying not to get herself hurt. Trying to be smart. Trying to be brave. Trying to be a better person. Trying to find love. Trying to be loved. Trying to stay true to herself. But does she really know who she is? Stephanie turns on Ranger's monstrous TV, flips through the channels and wonders. Does she even like herself? Does she have it in her to become a kick ass chick? A Taekwondo master? A remarkable marksman? A master chef? A top-notch baker? A fusion of Wonder Woman and Catwoman? A wife? A mom? A worthy lifetime partner? A cherished lover? Will she have to get out of Ranger's bed one day? Will she have to watch him slip through her fingers and melt away? What if she doesn't want that day to come? What if she die of heartbreak? Will he turn around for a very last glance? Will she ever stop doubting him and herself? Will she learn to cope and change?
Joe didn't call again. She didn't run into him at TPD when bringing in a new skip earlier today. She hasn't heard anything from the Burg grapevine, either. Maybe the harsh words she told him worked. The long tangled history between them has now come to an end. She can finally forgive that mean arrogant eighteen-year-old. He can finally let go of his broken leg. Now they can both start anew. Maybe they will both find happiness. But no, they won't stay friends. Too many memories involved. Too unpleasant. Too embarrassing. Too complicated. It's better to walk separate ways. It's better to become strangers. It's better to learn to forget. That's the clean break up her mother told her about. That's for the best.
And maybe she's actually the clingy needy type. The longer she thinks(or stall?), the more reluctant she is to go back to her apartment. She doesn't want to be alone. She's going to think of Rex and start missing him. She's going to have dark gloomy dreams. She's going to wake up alone in the middle of the night and feel miserable. But Ranger won't be there to wrap her in his arms and make her feel safe. The cold loneliness will choke her and strangle her to death. She will cry like a helpless child in her narrow queen size bed. She doesn't know why she can't stop wanting and needing Ranger. She just knows she always wants to be near him. But sooner or later he will want his own space back, won't he? He's the lone wolf. He's not the marrying type. He's not exactly family material. He likes his freedom. He treasures his privacy. When will he run out of patience? When will he lose interest? When will he let go of her and move on with his own life? When will he meet that perfect someone?
Stephanie lets out a sigh. She wishes she's not so weak. She wishes she's not so whiny. She knows she shouldn't be lost in self-pity. But she's indeed weak and pathetic. Well, not always, but definitely sometimes. And she does love to whine. Deep down within she knows she's selfish and self-centered; she's childish and immature. And she always wants the impossible. She dreams but doesn't act. And now she's scared of what's to come. It's up to Ranger now. He will let her stay here for as long as she wants. But will he want to have her by his side? Will he let her have a permanent place in his life? Will his no-marriage/babies/relationship rule budge? She has told him she loves him that night. But did he just shrug it off like it's some sweet nonsense said in a moment of passion instead of a confession? Did he hear what she said? Should she just ask and get it over with? What if she doesn't like his answer? What if, once again, she can't understand his answer? What if his answer only makes her more confused? Should she ask him to be more specific? Should she ask again and again till his answer changes? Will they have their someday?
Or maybe first she should make sure her worst enemy is not living between her own two ears...