Oh my gosh! If you are reading this first of all...THANK YOU for still being here. I am sorry for being gone for a year. I honestly don't have a good reason. Life has been...life. Busier, I guess sometimes. But I'm not lying when I say it doesn't feel like as year because I think of these girls every day! I think about every little detail of their lives and so this story moves slowly. Transitional chapters are really hard.
I do want to get you to the chapter quickly but I will say one more thing. I think my muse has suffered because s13 was so horrible. And don't get me started on 14...I'm on twitter SaveJapril behind a pretty cool campaign to get things trending the next couple of weeks. I'd love it if you joined us, followed me there blah blah blah etc. etc. etc. I'd also LOVE LOVE LOVE comments on this chapter, though I'm not sure I deserve them. I hope the girls are as lovely as you remember.
April
"I'm gonna be a spy to see what daddy's wearin' mama."
I gritted my teeth, thinking. "Ok, but you' better knock if he's in the shower. Arabella I'm serious."
She wrinkled her nose at me. "How is it spying if I knock?"
"Well, he doesn't have to know you're going to come back here and tell me, but if you want to accidentally see his butt, ok."
"Ew, gross. No. Ok, I will knock. Do you wanna come spy wit me, Tenley?"
"Yeah." She nodded, running to the door.
"Oh mom, what should we tell you?"
"If he's wearing a bowtie, a tie, or just a shirt or a sweatshirt."
"OK, we got it. Tee, be bery quiet ok? Or if we talk to him we can't tell him we tellin' mama, but she hafta know what to wear fer the date."
I shook my head when they shut the door, smiling. It was date night, or date afternoon to be exact, but Jackson refused to tell me where we were going or even how to dress. Dr. Whethers said that because we never really dated traditionally there was a hole in or relationship. He wouldn't even let me call it a gap. He insisted it was a hole. We were doing OK with our parenting communication now, and there would be nothing wrong with the sex whenever it happened. We were too cautious with each other to be doing great with friendship, but that wasn't where the hole was. It was, surprise, surprise in the non-sexual romantic love department. That's what the doctor called it.
Non-sexual romantic love. He said we barely knew what it was because we had never dated. I knew what it was, I had dated guys other than Jackson. I dated Matthew and had one other boyfriend in college. But…Jackson. He basically jumped from sex to monogamy in every relationship he'd been in. That was backward to say the least. Because there was nothing like courtship involved.
It didn't mean we had no romance at all in or relationship, but we definitely needed to work on it. I appreciated Jackson's effort so soon after the session. We didn't really have much time to start. Arabella's show was this week. So just choosing to do it instead of waiting was a big deal. I also knew he wouldn't choose anything formal, but playing spies gave the kids something to do.
"Mama he's wearin' a button shirt and jeans."
"Yeah, it's blue mama."
"Thank you girls, you did such a good job. No tie?"
"Nope." Tenley shook her head back and forth.
"No bowtie?"
"No mom. He's just feeding Adelaide begging her not to be messy 'acause he forgotted to do the babies' feedin' afore he gotted dressed. And he's staying far away from Braelyn saying 'feed youself…'assept it's hard for her wit the cast. Oh mom, they so funny to watch, I can't even handle it." Arabella jumped up on my bed and fell backward.
"Did you talk to him?"
"No, we did real spyin'. That's hard stuff."
"Oh man mom. I almost laughed so many times. I wish you seed it."
"Well you could go help him," I suggested, pulling two dress options out of the closet. But I knew the answer to this already.
"No. We wanna help you get ready."
"All I have to do is pick a dress. Do you think I should wear a dress or jeans like dad?"
Tenley's eyes widened. She was on the floor reading a book. "No mom, don't do that or he will know we are spies."
"Yeah, don't," Bellie agreed.
"OK, so which dress?" I held both hangers up in front of me.
They huddled together, whispering. They liked to pick the same outfit when I asked them, or else I picked a different dress all together, because there were tears over it one too many times. "We like the flowers one, mom."
"Yeah, flowers." Tenley whispered agreement, nodding.
I laid out the cream colored dress with multi-colored flower print. "Mom, we can help with your lisstick?"
"Yeah, why don't you go pick stuff out to do with Nikki and get your chap stick and we can all get ready together. No screens today, pick fun things. And remember please include things your sister can do with her cast," I screamed after them as they ran in their rooms and dressed quickly so that when they got back all I had left to do was put on lipstick. Sometimes, letting one of them watch was OK. I would answer their questions as they watched me in the vanity mirror and let them hold the tissue out so I could blot. But dealing with both of them while getting ready in the middle of the day was too stress provoking.
"Mama, why you have a date when it's light out?" Arabella asked when they came back.
"We have dates all different times of the day, anyone can. Besides, we want to be back to tuck you in at least, what's so bad about that?"
"Nothin.'" She sighed and came to sit next to me on the vanity bench with her chap stick. Tenley did the same. "You really gonna tuck us in?"
"I think so, yeah babe. It's only like 10 now you just had breakfast a few hours ago. I love spending time with daddy but I don't think he planned a date until seven at night, silly."
"Dat's my bedtime." Tenley announced, smacking her lips together.
"I know."
"Why'd you call me babe, daddy calls you that."
"It's just a name you can call anyone you love. Also, it's the name of a pig in a very good movie."
"You called me a pig?"
"No."
"Daddy calls you a pig?"
"I hope not."
"He doesn't." Tenley answered for both of us.
"They are two different 'babes' I didn't mean to confuse you, Bella."
"How come I have so many names you and daddy call me and Tee doesn't have as many or Brae?"
I sighed. "Your name's longer…let's go show daddy and the girls our lipstick. I think Nikki's here. What are you gonna play?"
"We assided supermarket, board games, and a craft or we will play what Nikki says, she has good ideas, we miss her."
"She does? That makes me happy. I missed her too."
Jackson
"Hey, you look nice," I kissed her cheek when she came down the stairs with the girls. "Ready to go?"
"No, hold on. Where is everyone? I want to tell Nikki some stuff."
"In the basement, playing. April, she knows. No screen time, I showed her the stuff in the fridge, she's done this without you…" I regretted the words before the whole sentence was out of my mouth.
"I know. But I'm back now. And there are things she needs to know. I always check in. Can't I say hi anyway?" she turned abruptly, headed toward the basement.
"April, I didn't mean it like that, I…." but she was already out of earshot and the girls were trailing behind me.
"Daddy, will you bring us a present?"
"What? Arabella, no." I started back toward the foyer so I could meet April by the door and save this date before it started. She kept following me, Tenley trailing behind. "Girls, go down in the basement, say bye to mom."
"But you didn't say bye to us, dad. And I want a present," she whined.
"Stop that right now. You're not getting a present, especially whining. I thought you were a big girl with a show this week. Your sister's not whining like you."
"I don't know where we're going Arabella, but if there are presents I'll get you one, I promise," April announced, when she entered the room. "Next time, remind daddy when your chart is full and you want him to pick out something for you. Is your chart full?"
"Yeah, it is mom." She nodded at the floor, suddenly a bit shy.
"Ok. Is yours full, Tee?"
"Not yet. I don't want it from here."
"Ok. I know you like to pick it."
"Yeah, you knows that." Tee smiled, the smallest things her mom remembered made her happy, but she was still cautious often. "I can go play?"
"Kiss us bye first, silly."
"Oh yeah," she complied. "Can I put more sparkly on?" she asked April.
"Of course, it's just chap stick." Tenley nodded and ran off.
"You can go too, diva. Come here." She pulled Arabella into a hug and kissed the top of her head.
"Mom, I in trouble?" It was really my decision, but she wouldn't look at me, and I had already made April feel insecure about mothering by accident. I had to tread lightly if I wanted this date to be successful.
"No. Just be good for Nikki. Please don't whine. You know how to explain things well. Next time, just breathe and explain what you mean. Crying doesn't get you presents."
"I know. I love you, mom."
"What about me? Will you look at me a sec? I'm sorry. You should have just…"
"I know, I know. 'Splain 'cause I'm biggest."
"No. Look at me, Bellie. Explain because you can," April qualified. "If Tenley did this, I'd say the same thing, I promise."
"Okay. Can I go now, please? I wanna see if they wanna play a talent show afore Tee picks Candyland. I will let her but first we should do the show."
"Go sweetie."
"No running." I reminded, before she got too far.
"I know, I know, dad," she grumbled, but slowed down.
I took a deep breath and faced my wife. "I meant that Nikki has been with us for years. That's all I meant. She took care of them alone when they were babies and we were away. I didn't mean it viciously. I promise you."
"I'm not mad, I was just a little surprised. Thank you for clarifying, though."
"You're welcome."
"Jackson, be a little patient with Arabella, please. You are snapping at her so fast lately. She literally just wants a cool prize like a shell from the beach or a book from a museum. She gets bored with toys. She wants to learn. She knows not to ask if she didn't earn it."
"She was just whining. All I knew was she was whining for something I didn't know she earned."
"I know. I'm telling you, though. Next time she asks, go with her to check the chart. And don't do that 'big girl' crap. Not right now especially. She needs to know she's allowed to be her age and make mistakes."
"Ok. I agree. Sorry."
"Thanks for saying sorry to Bellie."
"I was wrong. Can we go now, we good? And can I pick out her prize? I need points right now."
"Yes, and yes," she kissed me, ending it.
"You sure? Because I'm really committed to this date, when we step out that door, minimal talk of any kid in this house right now. I need this. I need to just hang out with my wife."
"I know, I know Jacks." She rolled her eyes a little, reminding me of her daughter a few minutes before. But I quickly shook the comparison as soon as we stepped outside. I needed this day to be about reconnecting with my wife.
April
"This is great, Jackson." We'd spent the morning walking around a botanical garden, enjoying nature and science and each other and were now having lunch at a restaurant on the premises.
"Can we get another bottle of sparkling water, please?" he asked the waiter before turning to me. "I'm glad you're enjoying yourself babe. I am too."
"We can drink you know. I can drink responsibly on the meds."
"I know. But let's just…not."
"Okaaay. But you know we do have to talk about things. Just because one topic is off limits outside the gift shop, doesn't mean we don't have to talk about tough things, even if we just do the 'learn about each other's' past' thing."
"And you need to be drunk for that?" He was smirking, so I knew he was amused more than anything. But there were still degrees of wrong, however I answered.
"No, I shrugged. "Just tipsy might be nice, together. We have fun."
The water arrived, delaying his reply. "We do," he answered, after the waiter left the table. "But just give me a rain check on that and start easy with the questions."
"Fine. I just don't understand why you're so insistent I don't drink. You are many things, but controlling was never exactly one of them."
"I'm not trying to be con…" he sighed and shook his head, taking a deep breath. "Can you just do this for me?"
"Sure, fine," I took a bite of salad. "Do you like Dr. Whethers?"
"I do. I think he's really focused on helping us together….and he understands we don't want to save anything. We just want to fix us."
"Yeah."
"Yeah? That's all you have to say?"
"Yes Jackson. I agree. We need to fix things. But I love you and I made a vow before God. I'm in love with you. I'm not going anywhere."
"I know that. And I know you know I'm not going anywhere. Do you like him?"
"Yeah. I think he was really good at keeping it light but still making sure we made the progress he intended, at least the first session."
Jackson nodded, mid-bite of his sandwich. "So, should we do this? One fact I don't know about you. Big, little, medium-sized. Go…"
"Ummm….My favorite book growing up was 'Harriet the Spy.'"
He smiled. "Tell me why." But before I could answer his pager went off.
"Jackson, really? I thought you took a leave of absence."
"I did. This is part of the date. I asked Mer to text me when she had a good surgery so we could go watch together. I didn't think you'd want to be tipsy in front of everyone," he smirked. "Eat faster. We gotta go soon."
I made a face at him, but started taking bigger bites. Other people may think it was weird, but we'd had some of our deepest, biggest moments in the operating room. Even though I didn't see the romance in us watching Meredith's surgery, I did understand why he thought it was romantic to be in an operating room together. Our first love was surgery, after all. I had no desire to be in there besides the connection with Jackson, but I was a surgeon before I was a wife. I was a surgeon before I was a mother.
"I'm gonna go for you. But I'd rather have had champagne and that strawberry cheesecake I saw on the specials board."
"All right, well…later."
"Not later. Later we'll be home with the girls. And we leave as soon as I want to."
"April fine, we can start in the gallery and work out way down."
Jackson
"Why are we just…sitting." I blinked at her, looking around the empty gallery. "Don't you want to watch?"
"I'm not stupid, Jackson. We didn't just change into scrubs to 'be more comfortable.'" She used a mocking tone I'd never heard before, which startled me. Our kids didn't even use that voice. They whined and Arabella used the word "stupid" too much and called people ridiculous names ending with "face" but I couldn't recall them ever mocking anyone. April saw me flinch. "Is this our date or not?"
"You know the answer to that," I cleared my throat and took a seat next to her.
"OK, so…we were given the task of getting to know each other better and I intend to complete it. I don't mind sitting in a gallery while we do it, I understand why you chose this location but…there is just no way I'm going down there."
"You know you don't have to 'win' at every task anyone ever gives you, right?" It was an inherently sarcastic question, but I didn't mean it to sting her quite so much as it did. I saw it on her face right away.
"Well, let's see. I've been fired twice from the same hospital, decided not to balance work with raising babies, so I pretty much quit the job I worked my whole life to earn, but I wouldn't even have the babies if I didn't marry an atheist whose beliefs go against mine in very significant ways. But that's not it. I ran away from the perfect man on paper because I loved said atheist. Literally ran away from my dream wedding. To go on and have babies whom I love but can't take care of on my own, even though I decided to dedicate my life to it. Yes, Jackson. I think I know I don't have to 'win' all the time."
I gulped. "You think you made the wrong choice." I wasn't angry, I was hurt. It came out as barely a whisper.
"No, I…."
"If you're including choosing our wedding in 'losing' you're saying it was a mistake. That you're here because of the vows….and maybe the girls."
"That's not what I said…don't put words in my mouth, Jackson." She got up and walked to the gallery window. I couldn't help the smile that sneaked across my face. This was progress, and that was the whole point.
April
I walked up to the gallery window, wiping tears from my eyes. The person on the table was a MVC victim. She was stable, but had multiple injuries; they could use hands. The whole scene kind of reminded me of my marriage. The team was holding it together, doing the work, but no matter what, there was always a stitch gone in jagged, something at risk of rupturing; she seemed constantly on the verge of bleeding out.
I took a deep breath in; and let it out, clearing the metaphor from my mind. I watched Meredith complete a splenectomy, quickly but carefully making a midline incision; more carefully than she should have. This patient had experienced severe trauma; she didn't need her splenectomy to be pretty. I physically bit my lip to keep myself from shouting. It was done, and she couldn't hear me anyway. Plus, I wanted to hear what the abdominal cavity looked like.
"Guys, it's worse than I thought over here. I'm going to do what I can, but she may need a liver transplant eventually." She'd always annoyed me, assessing damage even in life-threatening situations like this. I was trained to give the patient right now, and worry about the rest later. "There's damage to the stomach, here, too. We're gonna need more hands, page Bailey."
I felt him standing next to me, saw his hand drop down to his side. He cleared his throat. "My favorite place to be in the entire world is with you…in an operating room."
"Jackson, we have children. I didn't even ask you. But what kind of answer is that?"
"I thought we were just learning about each other. It was an honest answer."
"Why?"
"Of course I love our time with the girls, no question. But with just you? We can get romantic anywhere. In the operating room, your eyes light up. You're efficient, you finish everyone's sentences, not just mine, in the interest of saving lives. But you're thorough, because you're self-conscious about being fired. It made you better. And your closure stitch if you do have time? I won't deny that I'm the best but….it was beautiful."
I sighed. "Was. And only a plastic surgeon would care about the closure stitch, come on!" I rolled my eyes.
"She's going to crash any minute, get paddles ready."
I reached out and took his hand. We stood there, quiet, holding hands; and in that moment, I felt like the worst person in the world. I could operate. Everyone would give me privileges instantly. People in administrative surgical roles operated all the time. But I was standing there, having a moment with my husband. A necessary moment to keep a nasty argument from getting nastier, but a selfish one all the same.
"Dear God, I just need the strength to say the words, two words. I know he wants me to, it would make him happy. But this is about more than that, it's about saving that young girl's life. Give me the strength to say them for her, like I would want someone to say them if one of my daughters were on the table."
"Let's go…" I started toward the scrub room, not letting go of his hand.
Jackson
She ran to the operating table without hesitation, calling for clamps and supplies right away. Her confidence stopped me in my tracks. I stood back for a second, watching her. I'd expected a deep breath, at least. The patient's condition had escalated when we were up in the gallery, but we hadn't exactly rushed down at first. She didn't seem to want to. "April…."
"I'm fine, Dr. Avery, go where you're needed." She didn't even look back at me while suctioning.
"April, just wait a second…."
"Dr. Avery seems fine, Jackson. I assume she has privileges or she wouldn't be here, right?"
"Of course."
"Well, Carly here has a pretty bad facial lac. Since you're here, would you mind tending to it?"
I grumbled a yes reluctantly, arguing would be a disservice to the patient. But I wish I'd thought of an excuse to assist general before we entered; I'd rather be closer to April overseeing the repairs to Carly's stomach. Just in case.
But the patient had more than one facial lac. All I could do was steal glances her way. She always seemed busy with gauze, a clamp or suction; never a scalpel, never a stitch.
April
I eased in as Meredith's assistant right away, pushing two little first year residents aside too quickly. I made note of that to tell her she needed to teach them confidence, later. They'd been going way too slow. I'd seen it right away up in the gallery, but wanted to be sure I was ready when I stepped in.
I'd felt the rush as soon as I stepped inside the room, and it stayed with me, even as I just packed, suctioned or handed over instruments. When she didn't have to worry about clueless interns fumbling over themselves nearly dropping scalpels and handing her the wrong tools, Meredith had everything under control. I got into a groove, anticipating what she'd need before she said it. Standing at the operating table, I remembered everything I loved about surgery.
It wasn't just the rush; it was the clarity of mind the rush brought with it. Nothing mattered except saving the life in front of you, fitting all the broken pieces together to make a God-given body whole again. It was a powerful, beautiful honor; it always had been. But today, today felt differently. Jackson was going to get the best thank you sex of his life tonight. Being at that table was healing for me. He knew it would be, even before I did and he deserved to be rewarded intimately. I decided not to even mentioned the glances he kept shooting me every two seconds or so, brow furrowed with worry.
"DR. AVERY…KEPNER…KEPNER AVERY!"
"Whaaaa…."
"My stitch isn't holding. The one in front of you? It's really deep, I need you to repair it…April! Stop suctioning that's not stopping anything... I said I need you to…Quickly…..April!"
"I…I…I can't…"
Stitching never was part of my plan. I knew Jackson would get me in here, convince me to come down. I couldn't in good conscious come down here just to watch incompetent residents put a life at as soon as Meredith said "repair it" my rush traveled up from where it lived between my head and my heart, allowing me to work and feel compassion at the same time. It flew to my mind, clouding my thoughts and making my knees feel weak.
Jackson led me away from the table and to the scrub room, helping me scrub out as if I were Arabella in her learning process and in need of guidance. I was conscious through all of it; shaking, dropping tools, Jackson at my side rushing me away, washing my hands under his with warm water for longer than we needed to in an attempt to calm me. And then I was alone in a hallway, wrapped in his arms and furious.
"YOU…YOU….I'M A MOM. I WASN'T READY. I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO COME! I'M A MOM!"
Jackson
"Ok, ok. You're a mom. I know, sweetheart. I'm sorry. It seemed to be helping for a little bit, there…"
"Don't 'sweetheart' me. I'm not fragile. I know what happened. I know why. I went in there for YOU. I walked into this hospital for YOU. She pushed me every time she screamed, but I just came back for more. "I wasn't ready…"
"All right. So, I made a mistake…I…You…We need to go slower with work. I get it."
"Pssh. This wasn't a MISTAKE. You PLANNED it. You just PUSH me and PUSH me and PUSH me…"
She demonstrated what she meant every time she said the word. This time I stayed where I was, done with being her punching bag. I steadied her, careful not to push back. I looked her straight in the eye. "SOMEONE has to…"
"You are the WORST…."
"Mistake of your life. I know, you've made that crystal clear tonight. I let go of her and strode down the hallway. She followed behind me, silent. But our anger made enough noise. Tonight was going to be fun.
April
"My girls better not be destroying their playrooms, trying to convince Nikki to give them screen time." I hurried in to the house ahead of Jackson with the bag from the souvenir shop in hand. I didn't have to fake my joy. But I was confused when I didn't get answers back, not a peep. Not even Arabella answered, "We not, Mama," in that tone I just know is accompanied by an eye roll.
But I found them all on the first-floor den, sprawled out on bean bags with their noses in books; their hair was wet from baths and they were all in PJs at 5 p.m. I loved having a nanny who took initiative. She was on the floor with Adelaide, tiring her out with tummy time.
"You broke out the bean bags, huh?" I went for the easy target first, tickling Braelyn and smothering her with kisses when she burst out in hysterics.
"We did two shows, a puppet and a regular talent one. We eated lunch and taked bathie for so you and daddy have more break, and den Nikki still said no screen. So, we gotted books out." Arabella only looked up at me when I was standing in front of her. "Mama, you don't look pretty anymore."
"Bellie Catherine! Your mom's always pretty!" Nikki handled it for me; another perk of sticking with a nanny long-term, she handled these situations and it wasn't a big deal.
"I know dat, Nikki!" Bellie huffed. "I just means…she have daddy's scrubs on, not her makeup or a pretty dress."
"I know what you meant, sweet diva." I plopped down next to her on a bean bag of my own and kissed her cheek. "Buuuut, these are my scrubs, believe it or not. Daddy made me do a show today, too."
"A show of surgery?" Tenley scooted her bean bag closer to Arabella's other side.
"Yeah, silly huh Tee?"
Arabella's eyes grew wide and she looked up from "Amelia Bedelia." "A real surgery?" She was absolutely enthralled by everything surgical. Jackson and I couldn't agree on an age for her to visit the gallery. I had a feeling it'd be soon, but the tricky part would be whose she'd watch. I wanted Jackson to be in the gallery with her, answering all her questions; that was a moment they should share alone.
"No, no," I sighed loudly. "It was totally pretend isn't that the silliest?" It was a half-truth.
"What are you doing reading Amelia, diva? I thought you think she's annoying." I hadn't even heard him come in. He walked past the front line of bean bags and took Adelaide from Nikki.
"She's the annoyingist," Bellie shrugged. "We did a trade so we don't have to take too many books down the stairs."
"Smart ladies," I nodded.
"Um, mama?" Tenley's voice was barely a whisper.
"Speak up, princess. What?"
"Bellie minded me of a cooking show we want to do. We eatin' dinner, right?"
"Of course we're eating dinner, goose. I'm gonna be hungry soon, what about you?"
"Yeah."
"What'd you eat for lunch?"
"Jus' a turkey sandwich and vege-ble dip."
"It was yummy?" She nodded. "You have something to ask me, don't you?"
"Can me and Bellie and you do a cooking show for daddy today?"
"I think that's the best idea I've heard all day. I want you to give Nikki goodbye kisses and go potty. Meet me in the kitchen. Don't open anything, even the refrigerator. I will know. I have mommy senses. I'm gonna go get my jamas on, we can have a family slumber party."
"Can we watch a movie?"
"No, we'll make dessert, play board games."
Bellie groaned. "What eben is the point of no screen days? My friends don't have them."
"So you can be a real surgeon like your daddy one day. Now go say goodbye and thank you to Nikki, please."
"What about you mom? Like you too?" Bellie always took her questions right where I didn't need them to go at the worst times.
"No, I'm just your mommy. Not a surgeon. Just your mommy." Bellie rolled her eyes at me. But Tenley kissed my cheek before running off.
Jackson
"Welcome to Avery's Amazin' Eats. I'm Bella Avery."
"I Tenley Aveeery."
"'Dis our Mama…." She pointed at April.
"And we have a 'prize for you daddy."
"Shhh, Tenley, you on Teebee he's not dare, 'member?" I was right across the kitchen table from them, with Braelyn and Adelaide.
"It just a show, not teebee one."
"Girls, no fighting. You've done well building suspense. Brae will be excited too, right?"
"Oh, yeah, you will love it Brae, you don't throw deese."
"See? Now you talkin' like you not on teebee."
"You're not on TV, we can touch you. I'm hungry what are you makin' me?" The one argument would go on all night if I didn't stop it. I'm sure April would've, but she had more tolerance for their imagination and faith they'd eventually agree. Plus, she wasn't speaking to me. She'd let them go all through making dinner just to punish me.
"We are makin' you…" Tenley started.
"Waffles for dinner."
"And some bacon."
"Tell them who thought of it sweethearts. Did mama tell you what to make?"
"Oh no. We thinked of it."
"'Acause every of us likes loves dem 'specially you and Brae."
"And daddy you looove bacon." Arabella giggled.
"I do. This is the best idea girls. I'm so excited."
"Mama sayed we hafta have eggs an' fruit though. No dessert."
"We makin' scrambley eggs today."
Arabella sighed. "But the bacon…" She looked me square in the eyes and paused before continuing. "It's the turkey kind. And kids only have one waffle. Mama's job to keep us healthy and lots of sugar don't make bellies full."
"Yeah well, your mama's the best around, what she says goes." She averted her eyes. I knew she was upset with me, but that didn't mean I had to be mad at her. "Now, are you gonna start this show or just warn us about how healthy the meal is? We're hungry! Should we call out for food?" Brae wiggled in my arms, restless.
"No silly, firs' we making the batter. We makin' a bew-berry and a plain one."
"It's blueberry, Tee."
"Come on, Bella, you know she's younger and doesn't say everything like you do yet. Now what do I get for this batter, do you know?"
"'Course I know."
"I know too."
"Ok, take turns, what do I get?"
"First, two bowls. We need two for a berry spific reason, daddy. 'Case if we don't do two, we will ony make a blueberry waffle. 'Cause you can't take blueberries outta the batter to make the plain ones."
"Thanks for the tip, diva, good to know."
"You welcome." She smiled proudly.
April
"No, you need more bowls for eggs and the wet stuff."
"Good girl, good catch, Princess." I kissed the top of her head and grabbed two more bowls for them.
"Oh oops, yeah. I don't do dis a lot." Bellie shrugged.
"It's Ok, we're so glad you're here, helping. Right, Tenley?" She nodded.
We went through all of the other ingredients: eggs, flower, milk, butter, salt baking powder and, most importantly, blueberries. I helped the girls measure out their dry ingredients, taking full advantage of the chance to go over math skills. They poured and mixed by themselves, giving Jackson and Brae the play-by-play.
I was too upset to look at him for too many seconds at a time, but that's why I had been so enthusiastic about this cooking show idea. If we were just hanging out without a structured activity, if it weren't a no screen day, it would be easier for the girls to tell something was up. But sitting between my oldest daughters, helping them separate eggs and pour out milk and add butter and a dash of vanilla; helping them fold the wet mixture into the dry one, guiding their hands as they started to mix and helping them later when they asked for it because it got too hard…I got lost in the moment. I didn't have to pay much attention to Jackson at all, even though the girls were providing him with quite impressive commentary.
The girls. That's who I cared about, and I didn't want them noticing anything.
"Mama, is this ready?"
I kissed the top of Bellie's head and checked the consistency of her plain waffle batter. She wanted Tenley to have the blueberry batter because Tenley was the better "cooker."
"Yes, sweetie, looks good."
"How many of deese I'm making?"
"One for me, definitely." Jackson announced.
"And one for me, and we're going to make some for Brae for breakfast, right? These are easy for her to feed herself? But I want you all to eat blueberry for dinner so we're gonna make more of those right now, OK?"
"Yeah, those are yummier. Maybe we shoulda just made all dis batter with blueberries."
"Nah. I like a good old-fashioned plain waffle sometimes."
"Oh yeah! All you get on waffle Sunday is the plain and then you steal daddy's choco-late fer the cost of kisses. Ew." She lit up at the memory.
I shrugged, sighing. "Mabel makes a good chocolate waffle, but cub wastes food if she doesn't share. I gotta do what I gotta do."
For some reason that cracked both the girls up, and I caught Jackson's eye, noticing him notice their laugher too. "You little food waster you," he tickled Brae and messed with her curls, cracking everyone up further. But I knew he was just distracting himself. The cheaper thrill for everyone, the move that would have made the kitchen positively roar with giggles would've been if I leaned over the table and stole a kiss in that moment. But I was busy helping Arabella pour her batter into the iron and clamp it shut. So no one even noticed the tension. We wanted it that way. It was bad enough we knew it was there.
The girls only lasted for two waffles, but I expected as much. Tenley could help me cook an entire meal alone before, but we were living in the after. She was growing and changing and relying on her sister more than me.
And that was OK; while I was cooking the rest of the meal and she was setting the table with her sister. While I was still cooking and she helped her daddy change Laidy. It was fine with me at dinner when we were eating and the conversation was centered around making sure bellies were full and the babies (Braelyn) didn't throw food and the peaks and pits of our days. (Mommy's and daddy's peak was the cooking show, for convenience.) And it was fine that Tenley was on daddy's team for Hungry, Hungry Hippos before bed, because mommy and Bellie and Adelaide won.
But when Tenley was asleep and I was curled up in bed alone, I cried. Quiet tears so Jackson might not notice when he came in, but he did. I had a bit of déjà vu when I saw the glow of his laptop enter the room, but this wasn't before. My tears were quiet, not silent. And Jackson never ignored tears he could hear if his anger wasn't fresh. He climbed in bed and threw his laptop underneath it, wrapped his arms around me.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, but I pushed him away.
Jackson
"I'm not crying because of you…I'm crying because…. Tenley…" I pulled her close to me again and wouldn't let her pull away. I kissed her neck and felt her relax despite her tears. "I'm mad at you."
"I know."
"Stop kissing me."
"Nope." I kissed her jaw. "I'm sorry. I pushed you too hard and I'm sorry. I shouldn't have."
"That's it? You just know and you're sorry?"
"Yes?" I tucked a stray piece of hair behind her ear.
"OK." She turned and kissed me. "I'm sorry too. You're not the worst mistake of my life you're the best one…that night in San Francisco was my best mistake."
"OK."
"'Harriet the Spy' was my favorite book because I found journaling through it. I didn't use it for the same reason, but I connected with Harriet because of it. I don't know, as a kid I thought she was a pretty brave girl."
I kissed her, not really sure what to say to that, though I realized she was continuing out date, which I appreciated. "Thanks…for telling me that."
Her cheeks reddened. "I was really lonely as a kid. Those notebooks got me through a lot. They were the only place I felt I could be myself."
"You're my notebook, then." I whispered into her neck. "You…and the kids really helped me find myself. No one really made me look before you. I know I have work to do but…I liked who I was, with two kids."
"I like who you are now. I've always liked who you are, just not how you acted."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. You kinda broke the rules, though. That was an issue we could talk about in therapy, not really like a random fact. It doesn't have to be fun…. just…"
"I tried. I'm trying April. I do suck at talking. I'm probably better at non-sexual romantic kisses."
"I don't think I want those to be a real thing."
"Me either."
"Just don't remove my clothes."
"Fiine…." I smirked. But before we got too far there was rustling at our door. And then suddenly a crying baby at the side of April's bed.
April
"Mama! Baba!" Braelyn wailed, already red in the face from crying.
"Shoot!" I mumbled, turning to my bedside table. Brae's monitor had been off.
"Mama! Baba!"
"Ok, sweetheart. Come here, come on. Did you have a nightmare? Ok, cub. Daddy will make you a baba." Jackson gave me a quick surprised look, but yawned and got up. "Warm some milk for her? Like a half a bottle." He nodded and I picked her up.
Instantly, she threw her hands around my neck, her little cast rubbing against it, and sobbed into my chest. "Shhh. Shh. I'm here now. I'm here. Let's sing a song, Cub! You know 'Wheels on the Bus.' I started singing, turning her around and bouncing her up and down on my legs. She calmed down, and by the second verse was doing the "shh"'s with me for the driver on the bus. It was her favorite part.
"Here you go, cub, here's your baba." Jackson came in with it and got back into bed. He threw his hands up, questioning me.
"I told you they all get nightmares. This is only like her second one. It's fine, she needs to cozy with a baba, that's all. The milk will put her to sleep, then you can put her back in bed." I kissed the top of her head. We'd gone back to snuggling. I'd forgotten how much I loved these moments with Brae. My older girls were different, easier to cajole into the cuddle. But Brae only wanted to "cozy" as she called it, when she was sick or after a nightmare. Even once she fell back asleep the first time, I'd known it was safe to put her back in bed.
"What do the other girls do after them?" He tried to mask his tone as just curious, but I could tell he was annoyed.
"Bellie and Tee? They come cuddle too. Tee just likes to be quiet and let me sing her to sleep. Most of the time Bellie isn't crying, she just comes in and likes to tell me what happened and says 'I just need you to be wit me for good dreams tonight.'" I kissed the top of Brae's head.
"Why did it never happen when I was home? I was home a lot."
"Jackson! Come on. Don't do this. I told you about the nightmares the other day. You're mad at yourself, not me. You weren't. You weren't home at night any more than you were during the day. It just varied. It happens randomly, not a lot. How could I control when it happened? Don't start a fight about their nightmares."
"I don't want to; I really don't want to. It's just…. there are so many secrets."
"There are going to be more, I can't control it. I'm not doing it on purpose." I whispered down towards Brae's head.
"I know. I'm sorry, just…" He leaned over and kissed me.
"…This marriage is hard right now." He nodded.
"Mama…." Brae gave me the bottle. Her eyes were heavy with sleep she was fighting.
"It's Ok Cub. You can sleep. Do you want to stay in mama's bed or do you want to go to your crib, hmmm?"
"Dada bed."
"Daddy's bed and mom's?" she nodded. I eyed him, but he did too, so I moved her to the middle of the bed.
"Hi dada," she said, turning toward him.
"Hi Cub. Close your eyes. Come on, I don't want to see your eyeballs anymore. Close them tight." He shook his head at her, smirking. But she listened to him and he kissed her forehead, pulling her close to him.
"Goodnight babe," he whispered to me.
"'Night babe. I love you so much." I had waited so long for this simple moment. Braelyn cuddling, yes. But also watching my husband effortlessly show affection and not think twice before sharing our bed with our daughter. Brae's cast softened him, but he was getting better about it every day.
Just as I was falling asleep I saw him reach a hand under the bed and pull out his laptop. "What're you doing?" I yawned.
"Answering a few e-mails, don't worry."
"You've said you aren't working, though."
"I still get a salary from Harper to run the hospital. I've been doing it for weeks….no big deal." I sighed. It felt like a big deal to me, and that's what should matter. But I was tired, and he hadn't taken his arm off of Braelyn, so I let myself drift.