Chapter 26
Abby sighed to herself as she looked at the bed. She couldn't bring herself to cover up Tim's white cotton pillow cases. She just couldn't do it. All her satin pillows were on the floor, the covers in a mess. She hadn't bothered to make the bed since Tim had left. The only reason she was still sleeping on the bed was because she couldn't bear the thought of the bed being completely empty.
Jethro was starting to really miss Tim. She could see it. Every day when she had come home, he would lick at her...and then look for Tim. Yesterday, he had actually whined when he'd realized that Tim wasn't coming.
The thought brought more tears to Abby's eyes. She couldn't believe how empty her world seemed now that Tim was gone. If she had felt even a particle of doubt that she had loved Tim, it had been banished the constant feeling of anguish and regret she felt.
I destroyed my perfect world...and I didn't even realize how perfect it was.
All she wanted was to have Tim back with her, back in her life, loving her again, needing her again. ...but this desire was coupled with the realization that Tim himself would only come back when he was ready, when he felt it was safe to do so. It was like when they had been dating, only she hadn't understood, then, just how cautious Tim was being. She hadn't understood the reasons behind it. She had been so willing just to have a good time that she hadn't paid attention to how cautiously Tim had approached their relationship.
It had taken days of complete solitude to force her to understand. It had taken nights of intense loneliness to open her eyes to what she had done, to the real magnitude of what she had done.
Abby almost felt she understood a little of what Tim was going through. Not all. She was the betrayer, not the betrayed, but all these days...she went to work knowing that Tim wouldn't be there. She came home at night knowing she'd be alone.
...and she knew that it was her fault things were the way they were. Yes, it was true that Gibbs' actions had made everything harder for them, but in reality, she couldn't blame Gibbs for her loneliness. There was only one person to blame: Abigail Sciuto McGee.
She had blithely assumed she understood Tim, understood what he thought, how he felt about things. She had assumed that she knew it, not because she had taken the time to figure it all out, but because Tim loved her and she loved him. They had made it through two years of marriage with her thoughtless love. The first test of that love...and she had failed. She had failed because she hadn't bothered to think at all. It was all about her and what she wanted. She didn't even bother to wonder why Tim wasn't answering his phone. She hadn't bothered to consider that something might have happened to him.
She loved Tim and Tim loved her...but in her mind that translated to Tim doing what she wanted and she rewarded him by loving him...and Tim had allowed that to be the way things went.
The thoughts came fast and furious as Abby went upstairs. She washed all the makeup off her face and looked at herself in the mirror. With her hair down and makeup gone, she was just another person. There was nothing particularly special about her...and yet, Tim loved her.
Do I really love him?
Yes. Abby was sure, now, that she loved Tim...now, after she had torn his heart to pieces, after he had nearly died, after he had left her alone. Now, she knew. It was like that sentimental song by Stephen Sondheim. The drama club in high school had done A Little Night Music once.
"Where are the clowns?" Abby whispered. "Send in the clowns."
Before she started bawling again, there was a knock on the front door. Abby sniffed and took a deep breath and headed downstairs. Jethro looked excited and that almost broke her heart anew...but she sternly told herself to get over herself and she opened the door.
"Abby!"
"Hi, June," she said. "What's up?"
"I was about to ask you that question. I've noticed that Tim hasn't been around for a while. Did something happen?"
Abby was about to lie...and found that she didn't want to.
"Yes...lots of things have happened...and most of them are my fault, June."
June's eyes widened.
"You want to talk about it, dear?"
"It might be too much information."
June smiled. "I had a husband for more than 50 years and raised 6 children, plus fostered another 5. There's not a lot that can happen that'd be considered too much information for an old lady like me."
Abby couldn't help but smile back...but still she hesitated. This was supposed to be private. ...and yet, at the same time, it wasn't in the worst way.
"Come on, dearie," June said. "I think you need a no-nonsense confidant...like me."
"Okay...but it's not a fairytale anymore, June."
June laughed. "Well, of course, it's not. Did you think that fairytales were the way marriages work? If so, you're dreaming. There's a reason fairytales end right after a marriage and they just say that they lived 'happily ever after'. No one wants to read a fairytale that involves Cinderella's difficulties in being accepted by the court because she's a commoner. No one wants to find out that Rose Red began to resent her sister's better fortune simply because she was the less lady-like of the two...and not a blonde. No one wants to see the problem of increased taxes for the shoemaker after his spate of good fortune. We want to believe that love and good conquers all. ...and does so easily without any further conflict. We don't want to know that it doesn't work that way...because we have reality for that. Fantasy...is just fantasy."
"Well...the fantasy is over now," Abby said, feeling teary again.
"All right...so tell me about it."
"Okay."
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Ducky heard the knock on the door and was grateful that Tim had decided to go for a walk. If this was another unscheduled appearance by Gibbs, he wanted to have the chance to tell him to call first. He opened the door...and was surprised to see a shame-faced Tony standing on his front steps.
"Anthony...whatever are you doing here?"
Tony smiled...or rather grimaced. "I was hoping to talk to McGee...if he'll talk, although if he wanted to punch me out, I'd let him."
Ducky smiled. "He's out walking right now. I could point you in his general direction, if you like."
"I'm not sure that would be a good idea. I should probably...give him a chance to say no."
"You could do so. If he chose to ignore your presence, you would know he did not wish to speak with you."
"True."
"I believe he went in the direction of the Naval Observatory, not that he'd be getting inside."
"What kind of a mood is he in?"
"I dare say about the same as he has been for the last few days. Not particularly happy, struggling to recover his good health, and wondering about his future."
Tony winced. "Man, I feel like the biggest jerk that ever walked the earth."
Ducky laughed slightly. "I doubt you warrant that description, but I would not expect a warm greeting. The best you might get at this moment is wariness...and perhaps some confusion as to why you are here."
"Yeah...that was kind of what I thought."
"It is worth a try, I believe."
"Yeah." Tony took a deep breath and looked in the direction Ducky had indicated. "Well, I'm a glutton for punishment. See you later."
"All right." Ducky closed the door. He hoped that Tony's overtures wouldn't make things worse...although he couldn't really see how that was possible.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Tony walked down the sidewalk, expecting to turn back with every step he took. He felt as though he were walking to his doom, even though he knew that was stupid. The worst Tim could do was reject his overtures.
And it's not like I deserve better.
He kept walking. When he got to Dumbarton Oaks Park, he saw a familiar figure.
"Hey...McGee?"
He waited. Tim stopped but didn't turn around for a moment. Tony had almost decided that Tim was going to ignore him after all, but then, Tim turned. He looked at Tony and then clearly resigned himself to talking to him.
"Hey," Tony said again.
"Hi. I got your message."
"I figured you must have."
"I didn't know how to answer it."
"I figured you must have decided not to at all."
Tim shrugged. "I was going to...but I didn't know what to say."
"You want me to leave you alone?"
Tim sighed and walked over to a bench. He sat down and stared at the ground.
"I don't know what I want from you, Tony. I want to be able to look at you and forget that you thought I could beat my wife. I want to be able to go to work someday and have the worst I get from you be another stupid McNickname."
Tony laughed weakly.
Tim smiled at the ground briefly.
"But...I just don't know how I can forget...what you thought of me, Tony. I would almost have preferred if you had thought I was a murderer...because you wouldn't have done that without evidence. Lots of it. But now...you were so sure that you told Gibbs about it. You were so sure..."
"I wasn't sure, McGee," Tony said, sitting beside him. "I thought of it...and then, I couldn't think of anything else. I thought that if I told Gibbs, he would take care of it and I could...not think of it anymore. I was passing the buck because I was too chicken to deal with it myself."
"But why did you think that was even a possibility?" Tim asked, finally looking at him. "I've thought a lot of things of you, but even when you were framed for murder, when everyone thought you were dead...I didn't! ...even when the evidence pointed to it."
"I don't know what to say, McGee. I really don't. There's no good reason for what I thought. There's no good reason for what I did. You were acting different. Abby was acting different...and that's not a good reason. I know you said not to push you and I don't want to. I just..."
"What?"
"I just wanted to say that...it'll be nice to have you back at work. It's not the same."
"It's not going to be the same," Tim said. "Not ever."
"All things considered, that's probably a good thing."
"Yeah, maybe." Tim took a deep breath. "Tony...I'm not ready to forgive you yet."
"Does that mean you might be able to sometime?" Tony asked.
A fleeting smile. "Maybe. I don't know. There's so much going on. I don't know how to deal with it all."
"Yeah...I think that's how everyone at NCIS is feeling right now. Gibbs came back to work today...and no one knew how to treat him."
"Does everyone know what happened?"
"Only the broad strokes. You know how scuttlebutt works."
"Yeah."
Tony looked over at Tim...as Tim continued to stare at the ground. He could see the remnants of the bruise from where Gibbs had hit him. He could see the worn look in Tim's eyes that showed how not recovered he was. Tim just looked...defeated, and Tony hated that he had contributed to that look.
"Tim?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm really sorry. I mean...I'm probably not as sorry as you are that all this happened, but I'm really sorry that I'm the one who started it."
Tim smiled at the ground again. "You're not the one who started it, Tony."
"Huh?"
"You're not the one who started it. Abby started it when she slept with another man. I continued it when I tried to keep that private. You were just the next link the chain. ...and maybe it's melodramatic, but I feel like I'm being beaten with that chain over and over again."
Tony winced, both at the comparison and at the reminder of what else Tim was dealing with right now.
"So...are you sure you want to come back to NCIS?"
"Yes."
"Why?" Tony asked. "Because...man, Tim, I can't imagine wanting to come back and work with the same people who...did all that to you."
"I'm not going to lose the one thing that I still have from my dream," Tim said, almost fiercely. "I'm not giving NCIS up. If Gibbs can't handle working with me, then he's the one who will have to leave. I'm staying. It's my job, and I can treat it like a job. I've never been part of the NCIS family anyway. I'll just stop wanting it."
Tony opened his mouth to deny it, but his words died in his throat. He could see that Tim wouldn't believe it. To be honest, he wasn't sure he believed it himself.
"I'm sorry," he said instead.
"Sorry for what? That I've finally clued into reality or that you helped me do that?"
Ouch. Another wince. Tony couldn't remember a time when he'd heard so much bitterness in Tim's voice before.
"I'm sorry for that," Tony said, without even realizing he was going to.
"For what?" Tim asked.
"That you...that I helped you become so bitter. I've never seen that in you before...and I'm sorry that I contributed to it. Really sorry."
Tim lifted his head and looked at Tony, surprise in his expression.
"You're the one who's said time and again that I'm not in touch, Tony. Why should you be sorry that I've finally caught up?"
"Because...I've...kind of...envied your outlook."
Tim looked at him for a moment longer and then looked away, but not before Tony noticed the tears in his eyes.
"Well, I don't have it anymore. You'll have to find someone else to envy. I don't think I have anything to be jealous about right now."
"And you still want to work with us?"
"Yes. You're good at your job."
"Just not at being your friend."
"I hope you're not expecting me to disagree."
"No."
"Good."
They sat side by side on the bench for a few minutes and then Tony had to ask the question most on his mind.
"McGee?"
"Yeah?"
"When you come back to work, do you want us to leave you alone?"
"In what respect? If we're in a gun fight, I'd hope you wouldn't."
Tony smiled a little. "We wouldn't. But when we get lunch or go to the bar after work, stuff like that...do you want us to leave you alone then? Or do you want us to keep inviting you along?"
Tim was quiet for a few seconds and then took a deep breath.
"Leave me alone. If I ever feel like I can hang out with you, I'll let you know...if you actually want that."
"Okay."
Tim stood up and started walking back toward Ducky's. Tony walked beside him, but neither of them spoke. It was more like two complete strangers who happened to have the exact same pace. When they got to the door, Tim walked up the stairs and then turned back.
"Thanks for asking, Tony."
"You're welcome."
Then, Tim went inside without looking back. Tony sighed. He'd known that Tim might not be any happier to see him than he had been before, but it really bugged him to know that Tim had suffered so much because of his choices.
For now, however, he figured the best thing he could do was to do what Tim asked of him, i.e. leave him alone.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
"...and Gibbs was back at work today, but I don't even want to talk to him...but what I did is so much worse than what he did...and...and I just don't what to do anymore, June!" Abby said. She was crying, but her tears were much less theatrical than they had been.
"What about Tim?" June asked.
"He won't come back until he trusts me again. I don't want to try and force him or anything. I don't deserve to have him back."
"Has he asked for a divorce?"
Abby shook her head. "No. But he's gone. It's probably only going to be a matter of time...and I'll lose him forever."
"Is that what you want?"
"No!" Abby said, sniffling. "I don't! I love him...so much...even though it's my fault he's gone!"
June smiled. "Did you ever think that maybe he might want you to fight for him?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that from what you've said, Tim has done a lot of the compromising. He's been the one who has lost and lost...even to the point of the being the one to leave your home. Now, he's tired of being the one fighting for the marriage. Maybe he wants you to do some of the fighting now. I could be wrong, but if you want your marriage to make it, you have to exert some effort...effort that you don't seem to have exerted before."
"But he asked me to let him leave!"
"Yes, and it's probably good that you did, but if you don't want to lose him permanently, you'll have to make some changes...and you'll have to fight for him."
"I don't know what to do!"
"Well, I'm not sure I know either. Tim is your husband, Abby. You should know him better than anyone else does. When has Tim been the happiest? What moments? What times, beyond this one, has he seemed the most put out or the most saddened? You need to learn who your husband is...and then fight to keep him. It may not work. I've seen a lot of people who can't last beyond infidelity."
Abby ducked her head in shame.
"...but there are those who do...if changes are made. The situation that made you feel that was acceptable behavior can't be repeated. The attitude that justified it to you can't remain. You have to change that. Do you understand?"
"Maybe. I'm not sure."
June smiled. "Good. That's a good start."
"What is?"
"Not being instantly certain that you know best. You can feel free to talk to me anytime. You should know that I can be discreet."
"I do."
"Then, I'll leave you to think about it, and if you need some extra comfort, come on over anytime."
Abby wiped her eyes. "Thanks, June. ...for not hating me."
"I'm sad that you made the choice you did, Abby...but I hope that you can both recover from it."
June stood up and made her way out of the house. Abby sat where she was and looked at Jethro who seemed rather morose.
"Jethro?"
He lifted his head from his position by the door.
"Maybe...maybe tomorrow, you can go and see Tim for a while...if he doesn't mind. Would you like that?"
At the mention of Tim's name, Jethro perked up and looked around. Abby sniffled again but she smiled a little.
She made herself some dinner and then walked into the study. She hadn't really gone in there since Tim had left. It was his room, pretty much the only place in the house where his tastes reigned...and she was suddenly struck by how different it was. It seemed...dull...and yet, it wasn't because whenever Tim was in there, she had never noticed it being uninteresting. It was a study, full of books, Tim's record player, his typewriter. It was as if everything that made Tim who he was had been confined to that one room. It was the same with their bedroom. Tim's pillows were hidden away in lieu of what Abby deemed good decor.
Maybe this was a place to start. It was minor and kind of simple, but it was something. Abby walked over to Tim's typewriter and sat down. Carefully, she rolled in a piece of paper and started to type out everything she could remember about when they had discussed the decorations for the house.