Chapter 26: How Much Do You Love Me?

The walk out of the hospital was hell in its truest form. Carlisle and the others had to sneak me out due to concerns about others seeing or recognizing me. The Cullens looked normal enough. Their eyes were a close enough shade to the average person's light brown, and they'd adapted well to fitting in. I, on the other hand, still had some adjusting to do. I had to hold a cloth drenched with that scented bathroom cleaner over my nose and mouth so as to make certain I didn't have another outburst due to lack of self-control. To me the smell was so strong it burned my nostrils, but it was the only choice I had. As long as I smelled that, hopefully I wouldn't smell anything else.

The urges were still there, buried, ignored, but there. It was all I could do not to think about them. And then, when I was concentrating so hard on not thinking about them, that only made me think about them even more. I was sick. I knew that. All I could think about was human blood. Blood. Steaming, hot, crimson liquid that flowed freely…oh, dear God. I was sick. I hated myself in that moment. How could I possibly be thinking this? I tried to remind myself that Edward and his family all got the same urges. That they had all gone through the same thing, but they were so…normal. So controlled. I had no self-discipline.

I clutched Edward's hand as we ran down the long, white hallways to the exit, my iron grip getting tighter whenever we passed a patient's room or any room blood-related for that matter. The lab. The OR. Anything that was currently or that had ever been used with the intent of removing, storing or injecting blood. I could smell it everywhere…even through the cloth.

I impressed myself though, at how quickly I was able to run without tripping and falling. It felt as though the world was moving at a much slower, more manageable pace than it had been before, giving me the chance to be in control. To move with an almost effortless grace. This, at least, gave me some confidence. But it also frightened me a little when I thought about how easy it would be to sneak up on someone, to outrun them or wrestle them to the ground. This thought was far from comforting.

Once we were out of the hospital and in the clear, outdoor air, I lowered the cloth from my face with the intent of breathing in a deep, clean breath. But this was clearly a mistake. I only smelled many other things that I didn't need to smell. I could smell people, animals, exhaust, flowers…everything. This was definitely something I would have to get used to. At least the strong smell of blood was gone, I had to give myself that much. The thirst was still there, but more easily maintained. I didn't have to think about not thinking about it as much. This made it easier.

Two cars sat in the parking lot of the hospital. Edward and I climbed in his silver Volvo while Carlisle, Esme, Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett rode in Carlisle's vehicle. I took advantage of the situation. I finally had a chance to be alone with Edward again. All at once I regretted not taking the time I had with him earlier to ask these questions. But first I had to close my eyes for a moment. I knew I couldn't sleep, but I felt overwhelmed to the point of exhaustion and so I lay my head back against the seat's headrest and let my eyelids slide shut, focusing my attention on breathing evenly as I enjoyed the simple, harmless smell of leather and vampire. The relief I felt in that moment was almost unfathomable. We drove. I finally relaxed. Only when I was certain it was safe for me to tune in to the world around me again did I open my eyes and glance across the front seat at Edward. He was already looking at me, smiling encouragingly, but it didn't touch his eyes. I had to ask him now.

"Where are we going?" – Not really the most important question on my mind, but I couldn't seem to quite get any of the other ones out just yet. Perhaps I wasn't as ready to talk about it as I'd thought.

Edward sighed deeply and took one hand off of the steering wheel to run it stiffly through his bronze-colored hair. "Denali…I think." Was his only answer. The fact that he didn't seem at all certain unnerved me.

"You think?" I repeated, my voice wavering as I scrutinized his face with my eyes, examining his expression carefully. If he were lying to try to protect me from the truth, I would know it. I knew him too well to let him get away with that.

He nodded, turning his eyes from the road to look at me again, this time unsmiling. "Yes." He replied seriously. "I think so. Carlisle got in touch with Tanya and I believe he's planning on taking us to Alaska, to stay with her coven. But I'm not sure…" he paused, his expression frustrated. "He's so hard to hear at the moment. He's always so careful with his thoughts around me."

"Alice?" I couldn't keep the question off of my lips. I had been thinking about her a lot in the last couple of hours. Where was she? Was she all right? Were we already too late? I couldn't bear to think it.

Edward nodded a second time now, indicating that he had already thought of this. "I'm sure Carlisle knows what he's going to do about that." The respect for his father-figure was unmistakable in his voice, but irritation was also evident there as well. I dissected this easily: Edward was concerned about his sister and wanted to do something about it, but his priority right now was me and he wouldn't do anything without Carlisle's permission in the first place anyway. I felt spirits sink into a downward spiral of guilt. As if I wasn't already enough trouble. But I stayed on subject.

"You don't think she's…" I swallowed hard as I thought about something happening to Alice, "hurt. Do you?"

But Edward shook his head, displaying a clear front of certainty in his answer. "No." He replied quickly. "The Volturi said six days. They may have problematic ethical standards concerning people, but they consider themselves an honorable clan. They won't go back on their word."

I lowered my eyes to my hands then, which were folded neatly in my lap, my fingers twitching anxiously among themselves as I thought. I wasn't sure where we were going at the moment, whether it was back to the motel – which would have been a five-minute drive – or to the nearest big state highway, which we were to follow all the way to Alaska. Finally, I decided I didn't want to lose this opportunity to talk to Edward, just in case we were only headed back to the hotel and didn't have much time.

I opened my mouth, but before I could make any words come out, Edward was talking. "I'm sorry, Bella." He startled me by saying. Clearly taken aback, I let my eyes widen as I looked over at him, stunned. That was what I was planning on saying. "Sorry for what?" I demanded, almost angry that he felt any small part of this was his fault. "Sorry for changing me?"

His eyes snapped over to me then, his expression hard and unreadable. "Are you sorry I changed you?" He returned the question, bouncing it back to me as though it were nothing more than a tennis ball. I had to think about this for a long moment. My face fell into my hands and I groaned. He waited patiently. "I don't know." I replied finally, but I quickly regrouped when I realized what I was saying. "No." I corrected hastily. "I'm not."

His dark eyes examined my face. "Are you sure?"

"Yes." The answer came easily, my voice more certain than ever as I was finally able to organize my thoughts. "I'm not sorry you did it, Edward. I'm glad you did. If I could go back and do it all again, I wouldn't change a thing." I had to assure him of all of this before I got to the true meat of my statement. "I'm just sorry for what I've let myself become."

He raised one, perfect eyebrow inquisitively. "And what is that?" He inquired, seeming more curious than anything, although his tone was careful, as though he were bracing himself for a painful verbal blow.

But my answer came in a soft whisper. "A monster."

Now his face turned from stone to rage. His eyes hardened to a further extent. He looked at me with an intenseness that I'd never seen before. "Is that what you think you are to me?" He questioned, his voice no longer gentle. I thought I heard a vicious snarl building in the depths of his throat. But I didn't stop myself there, as I should have. I pushed the envelope even further. "I know I am." I replied, my tone colored vibrantly with anger and shame combined. Now I did hear it. A low rumble emitting from Edward's chest and working its way into his throat. Like a lion who had just been unpleasantly surprised.

I didn't let him say a word before I continued. "I can't get this feeling out of my head." My fists came up to beat once against my temples as I squeezed my eyes closed tightly and shook my head in enraged frustration. "I shouldn't feel like this, Edward. I feel like, wherever I go, whatever I do, I will always be this…this…beast. This thing that lurks in the shadows of people while they sleep and then…kills. A murderer. Nothing more than a monster." My voice was dripping with resent for myself as I spoke, but I couldn't not tell him. I had to get it off my chest. But even then I didn't feel any better. I still felt sick…disgusted with myself. The feeling was relentless.

His expression had softened now, but only slightly. His voice was still hard, scolding, reminding me a painful enough amount of Charlie when he was angry. "Bella," he half-shouted, half-whispered, his tone pleading for my attention. He reached across the front seat with one hand and took mine in it, giving it an affectionate squeeze, "we've all felt like that at some point or another. You can't blame yourself for these things. They are going to happen. And someday…you'll be able to accept them."

I shook my head defiantly, unbelieving. "How could I ever accept something like this into my life?"

"You will." He sounded too certain for me not to listen this time. "Trust me. Someday it will be much easier for you to resist. And when that time comes, there will be no need for you to see yourself as something awful."

Still, I wasn't convinced. "But until that…" My voice trailed off as Edward cut in before I could finish.

"Until that day comes," he interrupted, his tone much softer now, "you have to know that you are loved. We all love you too much to let you think these terrible things about yourself. You are worth so much more than that. You have to know that." He raised my hand to his lips and kissed the back of it tenderly, the corners of his mouth turning up in a good-natured smile. This time it reached his eyes. He meant it. "We're going to help you." He promised me gently. "You are going to get through this. It's not easy for anyone, especially at the beginning. You can't torture yourself for having natural instincts. You're already so much better at resisting them than many, no," he rethought this, "all of the vampires I know."

I was quiet for a long moment now, lulling this thought over in my mind. I wasn't entirely certain I believed him. "Really?" I had to confirm it. It was possible, after all, that he was only telling me this to make me feel better. This time I was guarded for the answer. If he lied, I would know it.

But his voice was sincere. "Really." He answered. I believed him. "Hell, when I was first created, Carlisle had to practically tie me down to keep me from killing anyone and everyone in sight." He shrugged and laughed now at the ridiculousness of it all. "Carlisle was so disgusted with himself he was throwing himself off of buildings just to try and rid the world of what he thought…" he took a long pause and his eyes bore into me, "was a monster."

Recognition flickered across my mind. I remembered the story well. Edward had told it to me the first time I had been to his house and met his family. They had all been so wonderful…I had trouble believing that Carlisle, the strongest, most composed of them all had once felt this way. Did he still feel this way? He couldn't. Not when he knew how much his 'children' loved and respected them. I knew each and every one of them would lay down their lives to protect their father's good name. He was an icon; an example of what dark, evil monsters could so easily become if they had the will and compassion for human kind to do so. There was no way I could ever be like him…could I? Was it even possible?

Or Esme. I certainly had trouble envisioning sweet, motherly Esme losing what control she had and going on a killing spree in the beginning. It very well could have happened…I shuddered at the notion. I couldn't let myself think such things. Not about her. Not now.

Then Edward's gentle fingertips were beneath my chin, lifting my eyes to meet his as he pulled me from my thoughts. "Bella," his voice had lowered to a whisper now as he took me in, smiling ever so slightly, "I love you so much." For a moment he looked as though he were about to continue, but I didn't give him the chance.

"Do you?" The words slipped out before I could stop them and Edward's gaze turned hard again as he looked at me. But he didn't pull back.

"What are you talking about?" He asked seriously, his tone taking on the atmosphere of an interrogation.

I wasn't intimidated. I made myself be straightforward with him, honest. "How could anybody love me like this?" My voice was tight with emotion as I raised one hand to cover my eyes, resting my face against the palm as I leaned my elbow against the door. I couldn't bear to see his face when I asked him that question. I was genuine about it. I didn't know how he truly felt, but I had to ask. This was the most important question I'd been waiting to ask. The one that would decide my fate. If his reaction was agreeing, I wouldn't burden him with my presence any longer. It was difficult to think such a thing, but I would understand if he said he didn't love me anymore. How could he?

"I can't believe you would even ask that question." His voice was sharp. I looked up. "Bella, you have to know by now that I would love you even if you were a wrinkled old hag with gray wire for hair."

I wanted to laugh at this, but I couldn't. I didn't feel like laughing. He continued. "But you are more gorgeous than you have ever been." He promised me, making me blush inwardly, invisibly. "You were already so beautiful before, and I didn't think I could ever love you more than I did then, but I was wrong. I love you, Bella. More than you will ever know. You are a sweet, kind person with so much…light radiating from you even now. You haven't changed as much as you think." His tone was lightening, pleased that he'd gotten his point across. His hand went to my face then, touching his palm to my cheek affectionately as his eyes took me in for the hundredth time. I leaned into his touch, placing my own hand on the outside of his just to make sure he didn't pull away before I wanted him too. I never wanted him too. His touch was so different, so…warm. Did he feel the same way? That was when I started to understand. The feeling was mutual, the differences the same. He loved me more because of this, not less…just as I did him. The changes were wonderful on both accounts. Not just one.

I managed a small, sad smile. "I love you, Edward." I told him quietly, my voice strained. I couldn't let him think that he was the only one enjoying the changes now. This was a two-way street. He had to know that. I didn't want him feeling like he was giving so much and not receiving a thing. But he leaned across the front seat of the car then, pecking me quickly on the cheek before returning his eyes to the road. I would have liked for him to have gotten my lips, but I supposed that would just have to wait until we weren't traveling a hundred miles an hour in a small, cluttered town.